Download - The Descent of Dan
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
1/23
John Fogarty 4950 words3635 Chateau Lane All RightsIndianapolis, IN 46226 2008,[email protected] John Fogarty
The Descent of Dan
By John Fogarty
He was about to bust the game open with a Bishop sacrifice on h7 when the
telephone rang. At first, Dan tried to ignore it. Few things annoyed him more than a
ringing telephone; so shrill, so demanding. So damned imperious. And it was always
some mindless, motor-mouthed automaton selling something, or an appeal for donations,
or some other IQ-83 tele-dork dialing for dollars.
But it could also be his publisher, and that was one shrill, imperious call Dan
didnt want to miss. He glanced at his screen and sighed.
Excuse me, Caissa.
Of course, she replied.
He turned to answer the phone, knocking a copy ofFinnegans Wake onto the CD
player as he did so. Ravels Daphne et Chloe, which had been coursing smoothly
through the First Movement, now skipped into the frenzied Second and, like that, Dan
Acumens tranquil home became bedlam.
Illegitimati! he cursed. He rescued the CD, turned off his stereo and picked up
the hated device.
What? he barked. I mean, hello?
Hey, Einstein, came the reply. Hows the universe this morning?
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
2/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 2
It was Steve Norman, one of his few remaining friends. Steves IQ was a modest
150.
Fine. But, in future, Stephen, please dont call me Einstein. He was a vastly
overrated media creation, and a suckpoop. If you must compare me to great brains of the
past, please reference Nietzsche, Shakespeare or Plato.
Suckpoop? asked Steve.
Yes. Similar to ass-kisser, a suckpoop is one who adoringly laps up the crap
that our governments lapdog media-machine spews each day from its collective rectum.
Collective Rectum? Sounds like a neo-punk death-metal band.
Dan Acumen sighed. So, whats on your mind? If you can call it that.
Did I catch you at a bad time? Steve asked. You sound a little . . . shitty.
Well, actually, I was playing with
Yourself? Again?
No, I was
Ah, gazing at a heavenly body, then?
No, wimple-dick, I was about to say, playing with Caissa.
Caissa? Havent you been diddling around with her a bit much lately?
Nonsense, Dan returned. She is the finest companion a man of intellect could
ever have.
Yeah, if she had boobs.
That is no way to speak of my chess program.
So, why didnt you? Steve asked. Program her with boobs, I mean?
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
3/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 3
Boobs, he muttered. Stephen, your obsession with the female mammae borders
on the perverse.
Oh, so youve gone gay, then?
Negatory, Dan stated. No peter-puffer, I. Its just that I refuse to let the media
turn me into yet another sex-addled meat-puppet like the rest of Ameri-Kwa.
Say what?
Im saying there is a time and a place for everything, Dan replied. Boobs
included. Right now, I have more important things on my mind. You, however
Nothingis more important than boobs.
You, however, Dan continued, seem only too eager to join the moronic masses
mesmerized by mammo-vision. Those hapless twits kept perpetually distracted from real
issueslife-threatening issuesby a pair of silicon-bloated jubblies on the boob-tube.
You really are anti-television, arent you?
Yes, thank you, I am.
But . . . why? asked Steve. How can the brainiest guy I know be such a close-
minded, isolated hermit?
The better to avoid exposure to television, newspapers and all other forms of so-
called media.
Jesus, not that again. Why does everything have to revolve around the media?
Because everything does, Dan replied.
Steve paused, obviously wrestling with strong emotions. Finally, he said: Im
sorry, I just . . . I dont get it.
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
4/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 4
Thats all right, Stephen, I know you dont, Dan replied. But they do. Dont
you see? Its the oldshell game, my friend, but with a distinctly Levantine twist: while
distracting us with increasingly greater doses of sex, and passing legislation that permits
perversion of every stripe, they pump the country full of nigs, nogs, and pollywogsthe
better to dilute our raceand dismantle our Constitution so we cant protest our own
destruction.
Thats why you dont like tits?
Erroneous conclusion, thou cringing catamite of hell, Dan replied. I love tits.
Especially creamy, white Anglo-Saxon tits. Tits arent the point. The point is that, thanks
to the last 40 years of Televitz and Hollyweird, its now perfectly permissible to fuck
anyone or anything you wantmen, women, children, dogs, American piesjust dont
look up long enough to question whats going on.
Oh, please
And dont even begin to notice that our new state religion is Negro Worship. All
hail the Mighty Sambo, and yall bettuh jes' bend obuh an like it. And dont ask why
youre not allowed to ask why, either. You can piss on the cross, outlaw Santa Claus and
burn the flag all day longbut dont ever let slip the dreaded N-word or even question
the Holocaust. Theyll lock you up.
Whatever, Steve said, sighing again. I guess asking you to come out and chase
secretaries with me tonight is out of the Q, eh?
Not at all, Dan replied. Id be happy to join you on your never-ending quest for
the female pudendajust not tonight.
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
5/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 5
Why not?
Because it is Thursday night, Dan said, and I know that on Thursday nights
you insist on flinging yourself at the denizens of Morries Cove.
What the hells wrong with Morries?
It is ein yahoodinhaus, Dan replied. Packed to the nostrils with hebes, yids,
kikes and other hook-nosed, bubble-lipped bandits, all yammering away about how to
filch still more money from the hypnotized goyish cattle. The very sight of them makes
me retch.
Oh, come on, man, Steve said. Pussys pussy.
Again, negatory. Pussy is most assuredly not just pussy. If I ever woke up next
to one of those camel-faced cunts, Id stick a toilet plunger down my throat. And use it.
OK, forget it. Youre hopeless.
Look, Steve, if you would only chase white, European females, Id come along.
But your lemming-like rush over the cliff of miscegenation not only puzzles me, it
repulses me. Your children will all look like Bullwinkle, and theyll have nothing but
contempt for you. Besides, I have a novel to finish.
Oh, yeah. Your sci-fi thing, right?
No, no. Finished that weeks ago.
Well, then. No need to stay cooped up tonight, right?
Actually, Im working on another onean allegorical tale of aliens invading
earth. Clever, greedy, ruthless aliens who dress up like normal humans and go among us
seeking whom they might devour. They look just like us, except for their schnozzes:
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
6/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 6
huge. Not merely huge but grotesque. Their hideous noses are the only way to tell them
apart from humans. The books almost finished.
Then you can afford to break out for one night. And we wont go to Morries.
No, really, Id better not.
What is it now? No, dont tell me, I think I can guess: you dont want to harm
any of those precious little gray cells with beer, correct?
Ehh . . . yes. Correct.
Look, Dan, I know youve got this marvelous brainhell, everyone since grade
school has knownbut, still. Does that mean you have to sit around the house and
admire it all day?
Yes.
Dude, youre 29, not 92. Come on, youve been shut up in that apartment of
yours the past six months working on your eleventh or twelfth novel, or whatever,
playing computer chess and surfing racist web sites. Isnt it about time you took a break,
got out among real people? Youve earned it.
No. Thanks, Steve, but I just cant.
And Caissa is waiting.
Exactly.
Dan, youre an android. An anti-Semitic, racist, homophobic, genius android.
You make Mr. Spock look like Hugh Hefner.
Why, thank you, Stephen. I appreciate that.
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
7/23
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
8/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 8
And sat there, transfixed.
Dealing with life from an IQ of over 200 had conditioned Daniel P. Acumen to
avoid most television shows whenever possible, and network programming altogether. He
was unfamiliar with such household names as Roseanne Barr, Halle Barry, and Martin
Lawrence. The closest he came to watching chimps copulate was Wild Kingdom.
Now, as he sat gaping at his television, he knew why hed been reluctant to buy
one in the first place. It had taken his alleged friend, Steve, several years to talk him into
getting a TV. Hed finally yielded, but only to get Steve off his back.
And, now, here he was, absolutely riveted. Glued to the tube in horrified
fascination, as sit-coms and newscasts danced in his brain. He would remain that way
until 11:00 pm, when he finally fell into a troubled sleep.
* * *
The next morning, Dan booted up his computer and loaded the Caissa program,
which hed created several months earlier. Hed modified his Compaq with a voice
synthesizer and had programmed Caissa to respond verbally to over 1,000 spoken
commands. One of which was:
Good morning, Caissa.
Good morning, handsome.
Id like a game, please.
And Id like your body, Dan.
Not now, darling. Pawn to King Four, please.
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
9/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 9
He normally beat her within 40 moves, even though hed designed her for
International Grandmaster level play. Still, she was the only real challenge he had
anymore. That and the telephone, which now began ringing in his ear.
Dan turned down the Ravel and reached for the hated device. As he picked up the
receiver, an awful realization swept over him: Ravel was sounding a bit . . . maudlin this
morning. A bit mushy. Perhaps it was the headache he suffered. Dan had felt weird all
morningdizzy, light-headed and . . . fuzzy, ever since his exposure to prime-time TV
last night. Nonsense, of course; he was probably just coming down the flu. That would
account for the cerebral fog.
Hello? he said.
Lo, Danny-boy, howaya?
It was Mort Stein, his New York agent. Dan detested Stein for more reasons than
one, yet he had to deal with him; there were no gentile literary agents left in Jew York.
Steins IQ was only 135dumb for a yid.
Oh, hello, Mort. How are things in Babylon?
Good news, kiddo, the agent said, leering. Nescient House has bought an
option on your book.
Really? Which one?
Ha! the agent laughed.
Mort? Which one?
Come on, you meshugganeh, cut the clowning. They wanna know which rights
were
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
10/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 10
Mortimer, Dan said, which one?
Youre serious, arent you? You feeling all right?
Fine, fine, I just . . . I dont recall . . . what was the title?
The title? Stein gurgled. Are you . . . on something, Dan? You been into the
nose candy?
No, no, its just that
So its the booze, huh? Oy, you Irish are all alike . . .
Wrong, putz. I dont drink. Its just that I cant remember the
Eye on Pleiades, said Stein. Its the one about the . . . well, you know the
story, of course.
The story? Dan asked. Oh, yes, of course. The story. Heh.
Dan, you dont sound well at all. Maybe you oughtta
Mort, do you like Ravel?
This momentarily silenced the tele-hebe, as he struggled to understand what his
client had asked. Finally, it dawned: Ravel? You mean the composer? Whats he got to
do with anything?
Do you like him, his music? Dan persisted.
Well, yeah, I guess. Personally, I like Kenny-G a lot better. I thought Ravel was
your favorite.
My . . . favorite.
What the hells got into you, kiddo? You sound spaced. You getting enough
sleep?
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
11/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 11
Sleep. Yes. ImIm sorry, Mort. I think Im . . . coming down with the flu. Or
something.
Ah, the flu, Stein said. No wonder. Fix yourself some chicken soup, go to bed
and get some rest. Go see a good Jewish doctuh, theyre the best. And dont worry about
your next book; we can push the deadline back.
Next book. Right. Ill . . . talk to you later, Mort. Bye.
With that, Dan Acumen hung up the phone and stood tottering on his feet. Next
book? What the hell was this fool babbling about? Dan shook his head and staggered
back to his computer. And Caissa. Ah, Caissa. Yes, she was the only thing that made
sense anymore.
And she beat him. Soundly. First time ever.
* * *
But, there was a first time for everything, right? It was bound to happen
eventually, and didnt really mean anything. After all, he was coming down with the flu.
Or something.
Still, over the next few days, Dan found himself turning away from his computer,
his work, and the beloved Caissa for, of all things, television. And not the PBS station,
either, but network. Prime Time. His dizziness increased commensurately.
One morning not long thereafter, he decided that, indeed, Ravel was a bit much. A
bit too sentimental. Ditto for Debussy, Chabrier and Dukas.
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
12/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 12
Moreover, he discovered what appeared to be the first draft of a manuscripta
novelin one of his desk drawers. It was pure gobbledygook, all about space aliens
coming to earth, with huge noses and sheeny-shiny hair, and trying to palm themselves
off as humans. And succeeding. Even though the humans outnumbered them 50-1, the
aliens were able to fool them and gradually gain control of the planets means of
communication.
This allowed them to disarm the host population by spreading anti-human
propaganda in the guise of tolerance and anti-hate messages. Their influence was
everywherenewspapers, magazines, radio, TV, movies, commercials, musiceven the
schools. Especially the schools.
When some of the humans finally figured out what was going on, viz., that the
aliens werent merely after communications technology and money, but had also
infiltrated the government and were enacting interplanetary immigration laws designed to
annihilate the host population, the loyal humans protested. But since questioning the
aliens amounted to hate speech, they were denounced as intolerant, anti-alien, and
haters and rounded up by the Tolerance Police.
Ridiculous, of course. No human population in any country could be so easily
cowed, like so many lily-livered sheep. He couldnt imagine who had written the book or
why.
And another thing, he told his friend Steve that afternoon, on the phone, I
realized something today that makes me very ashamed.
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
13/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 13
Really? Steve asked with a chortle, certain Dan was teasing him. And whats
that?
That Ive been a racist, Steve. Ive been . . . intolerant.
Well, shyeah. And? Your point?
Dan blinked repeatedly, looking down his nose at the phone. My point, is that
it is wrong. Terribly wrong for any white person take an interest in his race, ethnicity, or
heritage. Its . . . why, its discriminatory.
Say again?
Were all one family, Dan told him. There are no races. Dont you understand?
Were all members of the and here his voice thickened, as if he was about to cry
the human family.
Right, right. So, you ready to go out and score some pussy to
We are all one, Dan insisted. Black, white, brown, it doesnt matter. Dont you
see?
Well, yeah, Steve replied. I mean, thats what Ive always . . . uh . . . thought.
Thought? You must believe, Steve. You must be told. Everyone must be told. We
are the Melting Pot. Were meant to blend, to merge, to meld. To become one huge,
brown, loving familyno races, no ethnicitieslike a vast and mighty bowl of oatmeal,
Steve. As long as racist, over-privileged white people exist, there will never peace or
justice.
This seemed to make sense to Steve, though hed never heard it put so boldly
before. Still, Dans message of racial unity jibed with everything hed ever learned in
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
14/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 14
school, and it seemed in perfect accord with everything hed ever seen on TV, so it must
be right. And, yet . . .
. . . and yet, it didnt sound quite right when spoken aloud like this. In fact, it
sounded
And we must nurture the Black Man, Dan said, and Steve could hear the
capital letters in his voice. We must lend him a helping hand. And what price the Jew?
Look what weve done to Gods Chosen! Oh, I feel so guilty
Uh huh. Well, sure, I mean
In fact, we must bring every underprivileged, Third World victim into this
country and give them the . . . the freedom and democracy they are denied. We must open
our hearts and homes to them, Steve. We whites have been hoarding the worlds wealth
and privilegeunearned privilege, I might addfor far too long. We must accede to the
demands of humanity.
Uh, yeah, look, I gotta get go
And one more thing, Dan said, one more very important thing.
God, what now? Steve wondered. Yet, to hear his friend finally coming to his
senses and abandoning hate was so encouraging, Steve tried to be patient. Go on
Dan drew in his breath and stated: I need a woman.
Now youre talking.
Maybe even a wife.
A what?
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
15/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 15
They are Gods gifts, Steve. Delightful creatures, really. I dont know how I ever
got along without one.
So, you want to get . . . married?
Touchdown! Dan screamed.
Huh? Hello? Dan, are you
Rams just scored again! he trumpeted. Its a classic see-saw battle!
Whatre you . . . are you watching football? On TV?
Hell, yes! Dan shouted. Best investment I ever made. I cant thank you
enough for talking me into buying one. Remember? You said it would help me
get in touch with the real world, yes, I remember. Well, I guess youre
rejoining society in a big way. Thats a good sign. Oh, by the way, hows your next book
coming along? The one about the aliens who
Fumble! Dan Acumen screamed. You see that? Ha! Rams got the ball right
back again. Incredible!
Then Steve heard a hissing, sucking noise in the background.
Whats that sound? he asked. Dan? Dan, can you hear me?
Um, um, hold on . . . lemme find an ashtray.
Ashtray?
Yeah, for my Camel.
Youre smoking?
Sure. Hey, it goes great with beer. Besides, I needed a new hobby, my man.
New hobby? Dan, what the hells hap
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
16/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 16
INTERCEPTION?! Warner, you idiot! Goddammit, we need a new quarterback
a black one. Jeff Blake, maybe, or Kordel Stewart. Someone with some fucking talent!
Only blacks have talent, everybody knows that!
Steve heard Dan throw the phone on the floor and storm into the living room,
where he continued coaching the tube. A few moments later, Steve shook his head and
hung up.
* * *
The following morning, at 5:15 a.m., Steves telephone rang.
Rise and shine! screamed the voice in his ear. Time to get up, get out n get at
it!
Who . . . is this . . .Dan?
Course its me, lugnut. Come on, get your funk on. Were going downtown to
protest white racism.
Wh-what?
White racism! A redundancy, of course: there is only one kind of racism, and
thats white. White Anglo-Saxon Protestant, heterosexual, gentile racism! Intolerance!
White Pride! Theres a big NAACP/Workers Party protest downtown at First National
Bank, and were gonna be there.
Dan, I have to be at work by
Dont worry about work, Ive already taken care of that for you.
Huh?
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
17/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 17
You know, Dan continued, you really should consider working elsewhere,
Steve. Your boss is a racist. I know, I just talked to him. All I did was call him up this
morning to
You called him? Steve choked. This morning?
Sure. To tell him youd be late.
Hewyou didnt. You couldnt. You
No need to thank me, Steve. Just doing a pal a favor. And speaking of pals, did
you catch Friends last night? They had a guest appearance by Jamal Whatitbe, and he
was getting Courtney Cox in bed just when . . . Steve? Steve, what the hell are you
crying for? Steve?
And the phone went dead.
All right, dont go protesting, you white lackey, said Dan. With that, he
slammed he phone onto the hook.
* * *
Later that day, while his friend Steve labored under the cruelest glares an
employer ever leveled at an employee, Dan Acumen went shopping. First, he trashed all
his classical CDs and records (old dead white men music) and made room on his shelves
for the new CDs and tapes.
Snoop Doggy Dog, LL Cool J, Dr. Dre, Coolio, Puff Daddy, Dilated Peoples, DJ
Clue, DJ Quik, 2Pac, Raekwon, Memphis Bleek, Ghost-Face Killah, Xzibit, Bloodz,
Tone-Loc, Tear Da Honky Up Thugz, So Def Bootie Blam, Da Muffugas, NWA and more
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
18/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 18
now adorned the shelves in his living room. A similar fate befell his books: Turgenev and
Tolstoy were replaced by Sheldon and Steele; Hemingway and Faulkner gave way to
Robbins and Krantz. Even James Joyce was abandoned in favor of Oprah. And the
television stayed on always.
Mort, he said to his agent one day, I am in love.
Oh, with your computer? Yeah, Ive heard all about that. Great PR.
Eccentricities like that are always good for
What the hell are you talking about? I mean a real woman. An angel . . .
Uh oh, said Stein. Vats her name, Daniel?
LaQuishya. Her name is LaQuishya Shontell Bananarama Jones. Shes a lip
gloss technician down on Sixteenth Street. You gots to meet her, Mort. She a tall, noble
Mambolambo sistuh, repletely mocha-toned, wif a ghetto-bootie bubble-butt an some
serious junk-in-de-trunk.
Are you trying to be funny?
Funny? I gotchyo funny hangin, beotch. And she adore my ass, bruh. I coolios
on down ta her crib yestiddy, know whut ahm shayin, puts de big lip lock on dat stanky
love-bubble, an we had dat trailer rockin, bruh. Know what ahm shayin?
Trailer?
Word, blooph. Beotch got de trailer an de fo kids when her las old man split.
Ize gwine raise em as my own, know what ahm sh
Dan, I think you must be under some severe nervous strain. Maybe youve been
working too hard on your next novel. I told you we could move the deadline back.
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
19/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 19
There you go again! Dan shouted, forgetting his Ebonics. Novel! What novel?
I dont know what youre talking about. And for that matter, I dont even know why Im
talking to you. Who are you, anyway? Did I know you in a previous life? Thats what
LaQuishya says. She thinks she and I were lovers in Atlantis. Sure makes you wonder,
doesnt it? Well, I gotta go. And dont ever call me at this number again, whoever you
are!
Dan slammed the phone down and pimp-rolled back into his living room, where
the music of ThugBro competed with MTV Raps for his attention.
Heaven, sighed Dan Acumen.
* * *
Two days later, Dan realized that the Reverend Al Sharpton was a genius.
And the Reverend Kweisi Mfume was an Enlightened Bruthuh, too. As for the
Reverend Jesse Jackson, well . . .
. . . by this point, Jesse had attained the status of a prophet.
So alongside his rap CDs and tapes came $500 worth videos, books and
pamphlets containing all the wisdom of black Ameri-Kwa. Although this only weighed a
few grams total, it was among Dan Acumens most revered possessions.
The most dramatic change of all was when Dan suddenly lost his faith in God.
Always a confident believer in the Lord, Dan now realized that the God of his universe
couldnt possibly be some ancient, bearded white guy in the sky. No sir.
Martin Luther King was God.
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
20/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 20
Naturally, Dan quit attending Beverly Hills Presbyterian Church. He now took his
Sunday morning worship in front of the TV in the form of BET. He joined the ACLU, the
ADL, and the NAACP. He began sending all his money to the Martin Luther King, Jr.,
Memorial Fund, the Holocaust Museum and the Southern Poverty Law Center.
Diversity, he often said to himself in trembling tones, is ourgreateststrength.
That Saturday night, Dans phone was trying its best to be heard above the din.
Gangsta Honky Killa was thumping away on his stereo, while the cast of Who De
Boss Now? was bumping and humping and TV. Dan, meanwhile, was absorbed with a
Kool, a 40 of St. Ives, and the latest issue of Ebony. He now wore his hair in
dreadlocks and had a gold tooth, which his beotch LaQuishya had inserted for him
before running off with a cocaine dealer named Mustafah and leaving him with her four
children, who were now happily smearing their feces on the walls of his home.
Dan finally heard the phone and answered it.
Yo, he said.
Dan? This is Steve.
Steve?
Steve Norman, remember?
What it eeeiz, whitebread honky?
Uh, well, Im fine, said Steve. The question is, how are you? Are you . . .
OK?
Okay, mokay, muffugah. Sheeyut. What it azzemble to, bruh? Whatchew be
callin me fo, know what ahm shayin?
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
21/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 21
What the hells happened to you, Dan? Have you lost your freaking mind?
Mbulu! Sheeyut! Muffuguh, you disaspect me I poppa cap in yo ass!
Would you please cut the gangsta act and tell me whats going on? In the
background, Steve could hear the thumping of the rap music, the yammering on MTV,
and another sound he didnt recognize at first. The only thing he could liken it to was the
noise he sometimes heard during trips to the zoo: it sounded like a cage full of monkeys
chattering for bananas.
What the hell is that screeching? he asked.
Das be my cheerens, Dan replied.
Cheerens?
Uh huh. I gots fo cheerens now: Chaquita, Chatawkwa, Cha-nille and Tyrone.
Deys my bebbes. I gets welfare, food stamps, ADC, WIC, Section 8, free medical,
dental, eyecarefree everthang, bruh. Lawdy, I hab reached de mountaintop!
I see. And what, pray tell, are you going to when the freebies run out?
At first, Dan couldnt reply. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to marshal his
thoughts. The dizziness was on him all the time now, along with a persistent itching in his
penis, which caused him to grab his crotch at all times. He could no longer add, subtract
or divide even simple cardinal numbers, but he had a feeling he could still multiply just
fine, given a new ho.
I . . . I am . . . he tried, barely able to remember the old form of the verb to be.
I is gwine becomes a star, Steve. Ize gwine be a Rap Awtist!
?
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
22/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 22
I eben be liftin weights.
Dan, need I remind you that youre a writer? Sure, lift weights if you must, but
forget about rapping, OK?
A writuh? Me?
Yes. Youve written nearly a dozen novels, remember? Youve got a computer in
your living room, which has everything you've ever
Iz dat what dat was? Sheeyut. I funk it was a TV set. Couldnt get de muffuguh
to woik, so I thew it out.
You threw it out?!
No, thew. I thew it out.
But . . . Caissa, Steve choked. What about Caissa?
Who?
Never mind, Steve moaned.
Well, bruh, Ize gots to train fo my fust rap video, muffuguh, said Dan. I gots
to go.
Right. Take . . . take care, Dan.
Yo.
Dan hung up the phone in his kitchen sink and loped into the living room, where
his four cheerens rolled and cavorted amidst their own offal. He tried to do some one-
armed push ups, but collapsed on the floor in a heap. He lay there for several hours.
* * *
-
8/14/2019 The Descent of Dan
23/23
The Descent of DanThe Descent of Dan.doc / John Fogarty- 23
And, later that night, after his cheerens had snuck out and stolen all the bicycles in
the neighborhood, Dan began drawing up in the fetal position. He tried to stick his thumb
in his mouth but missed. Instead, he drooled on the carpet while Growing Pains
babbled away on the tube.
His last conscious thoughts had nothing to do with rap, crack or cheerens; he was
beyond all that now. All he could think of were bubbles, nipples and soft, fluffy bunnies.
It was then that he decided to run for public office.
30