Download - Telling ! ?
Telling ! ?Telling ! ?Sandra StewartSandra Stewart
Who Are You ??Who Are You ?? Why this studyWhy this study How was it doneHow was it done What have I learnedWhat have I learned
Should You ?Should You ? Why now?Why now? Or even should you?Or even should you? What are your motives?What are your motives? Is it necessary? Is it necessary? How might they react?How might they react?
Coming OutComing OutComing out is a process not a single Coming out is a process not a single
event. We have been coming out all event. We have been coming out all of our lives and we need to of our lives and we need to remember that when we wish to remember that when we wish to share with others that which is such share with others that which is such a large part of us part of us.a large part of us part of us.
It’s Not About YouIt’s Not About You I know you find that's hard to believe I know you find that's hard to believe You must address their concerns, You must address their concerns,
not yoursnot yoursComing out is a process, Coming out is a process,
you have had years learning to deal you have had years learning to deal with it,with it,
or not or not
Success Factors Success Factors Who you areWho you are Who the other person is Who the other person is The relationship you shareThe relationship you share How you tell!How you tell!
TimingTiming Chose the time carefully, if Chose the time carefully, if
other things are intruding other things are intruding into the relationship it may into the relationship it may be wiser to wait.be wiser to wait.
Chose the location sensibly, in a car Chose the location sensibly, in a car with them driving is probably NOT a with them driving is probably NOT a good placegood place
WhereWhere A neutral location, A neutral location, Park Park A restaurant may be most A restaurant may be most
favorable locationfavorable location..
AllyAlly Consider enlisting an ally, for Consider enlisting an ally, for
example a therapist or example a therapist or knowledgeable friend or sibling.knowledgeable friend or sibling.
The MessageThe Message Frame the message Frame the message
positively! positively! Not I have a problem Not I have a problem More I have something I wish More I have something I wish
to share with you. to share with you. A relationship based on truthA relationship based on truth
FIRSTFIRST The First impression IS THE most The First impression IS THE most
importantimportant Advertising Advertising And political addsAnd political adds What you say first What you say first
AnswersAnswers Have the answers! Have the answers! Do your homework! Do your homework! Do your homework! Do your homework! Do your homework! Do your homework!
ReactionReaction The news may be up setting and the The news may be up setting and the
reaction negative. reaction negative. It is a process. Just as it has been for It is a process. Just as it has been for
you a life time process so it will for you a life time process so it will for them them
Testing testing 123Testing testing 123 Testing the waters, it is possible in Testing the waters, it is possible in
conversation to obliquely bring up a conversation to obliquely bring up a subject. There are various other subject. There are various other ways including what I call the ways including what I call the Tootsie approach (using movies and Tootsie approach (using movies and television programs). There is also television programs). There is also the Halloween approach, a fairly the Halloween approach, a fairly safe time to express “variance”. safe time to express “variance”. After all it is our national holiday. After all it is our national holiday.
ExampleExample I used to tell my kids "picture stories", which were like I used to tell my kids "picture stories", which were like
crude comic strips. We'd do this as the bed time story. To crude comic strips. We'd do this as the bed time story. To tell them, I did a picture story along these lines: "There tell them, I did a picture story along these lines: "There was once a little boy who felt like a little girl, but didn't was once a little boy who felt like a little girl, but didn't feel he could tell anyone because he was scared of what feel he could tell anyone because he was scared of what everyone would think. He grew up and had a partner and everyone would think. He grew up and had a partner and kids and they eventually separated. After they separated, kids and they eventually separated. After they separated, the little boy, who was now a man, still felt like a little girl the little boy, who was now a man, still felt like a little girl inside. He decided that he really need to be that little girl, inside. He decided that he really need to be that little girl, so that he could grow up and become a woman. The little so that he could grow up and become a woman. The little boy was me, when I was a lot younger, and so now I am boy was me, when I was a lot younger, and so now I am going to start being a woman." This was accompanied by going to start being a woman." This was accompanied by pictures of a little boy, over-drawn with a dress, then a pictures of a little boy, over-drawn with a dress, then a picture of a family with a Mum, a Dad and two children, picture of a family with a Mum, a Dad and two children, and then finally a man, with an over-drawn dress on. After and then finally a man, with an over-drawn dress on. After that I made sure they knew that I loved them very much that I made sure they knew that I loved them very much and I would continue to see them as often as I did at the and I would continue to see them as often as I did at the time.time.
Gender IdentityGender IdentityGender IdentityGender Identity
FrequencFrequenc
yy PercentPercent Valid PercentValid PercentCumulativeCumulative
PercentPercent
ValiValidd
crossdressercrossdresser 3434 2.22.2 23.823.8 23.823.8
transvestitetransvestite 33 0.20.2 2.12.1 25.925.9
transgenderedtransgendered 2424 1.51.5 16.816.8 42.742.7 non-op non-op transsexualtranssexual 99 0.60.6 6.36.3 49.049.0 pre-op pre-op transsexualtranssexual 2727 1.71.7 18.918.9 67.867.8 Post op Post op transsexualtranssexual 2626 1.71.7 18.218.2 86.086.0
otherother 1515 1.01.0 10.510.5 96.596.5
99.0099.00 55 0.30.3 3.53.5 100.0100.0
TotalTotal 143143 9.29.2 100.0100.0
Gender IdentityGender Identity
So Initial ReactionSo Initial Reaction
SO Current AttitudeSO Current Attitude
How did they find outHow did they find out
ExampleExample The two from my first marriage The two from my first marriage
learned as teenagers, my wife's learned as teenagers, my wife's children learned when we told them children learned when we told them after we had been married a few after we had been married a few years. years.
When we told my children we When we told my children we learned they had found my clothes learned they had found my clothes and suspected something was going and suspected something was going on.on.
Example 2Example 2 describe He found my cigarette describe He found my cigarette
butt's with lipstick stains and butt's with lipstick stains and thought that I was seeing another thought that I was seeing another woman, his mother told him it wasn't woman, his mother told him it wasn't another woman that what he found another woman that what he found was my cigarett butts and the was my cigarett butts and the lipstick was what I was wearing lipstick was what I was wearing when I smoked.. Eventually telling when I smoked.. Eventually telling him that I crossdressedhim that I crossdressed
Example 3Example 3 They are all four grown with lives of They are all four grown with lives of
their own--the universal response when their own--the universal response when we told them of my crossdressing was we told them of my crossdressing was "Does Mom know? Is she okay with it?" "Does Mom know? Is she okay with it?" When she told them she knew and was When she told them she knew and was supportive that was okay with them.supportive that was okay with them.
We have two sons--#3 and #4--who are We have two sons--#3 and #4--who are gay and my "coming out" to them helped gay and my "coming out" to them helped their personal lives by realizing that their personal lives by realizing that they, too, are accepted by us.they, too, are accepted by us.
Childs Initial ReactionChilds Initial Reaction
Childs Current ReactionChilds Current Reaction
Security BreachSecurity Breach
Problems as a result of Problems as a result of some one child told some one child told
School ProblemsSchool Problems
ExampleExample Problem at school? Not yet. My son Problem at school? Not yet. My son
(and their mother) has been a bit (and their mother) has been a bit worried about my daughter talking worried about my daughter talking about it at school. My son is very about it at school. My son is very quiet and is worried about getting quiet and is worried about getting teased, whilst my daughter is very teased, whilst my daughter is very outgoing. She would say "My Dad is outgoing. She would say "My Dad is now a girl. I don't care what you now a girl. I don't care what you think". So far it hasn't happened yet.think". So far it hasn't happened yet.
This is InterestingThis is Interesting One of the questions asked was, “is One of the questions asked was, “is
there any one else in your family there any one else in your family that is T*”.that is T*”.
Possibilities Possibilities 1 genetic family trait1 genetic family trait2 this is indicative of the general 2 this is indicative of the general
populationpopulation
Other transgendered people in Other transgendered people in your familyyour family
Are there any other transgendered people in your family?Are there any other transgendered people in your family?
FrequencyFrequency PercentPercent
Valid Valid PercePerce
ntnt
CumulativCumulative e
PercenPercentt
ValidValid
yesyes 2020 1.31.3 14.014.0 14.014.0nono 6565 4.24.2 45.545.5 59.459.4UnknownUnknowndon't knowdon't know 5454 3.53.5 37.837.8 97.297.299.0099.00 44 0.30.3 2.82.8 100.0100.0TotalTotal 143143 9.29.2 100.0100.0
MissiMissingng SystemSystem 1,4191,419 90.890.8
TotalTotal 1,5621,562 100.0100.0
ExampleExample My grandson (age 8) is showing My grandson (age 8) is showing
some transgendered tendencies. My some transgendered tendencies. My daughter and her husband are daughter and her husband are taking it as a simple fact of life and taking it as a simple fact of life and not making a big deal of it.not making a big deal of it.
Childs Initial Reaction, Spouse or SO's Childs Initial Reaction, Spouse or SO's current attitudecurrent attitude
SO's current attitudeSO's current attitude
TotalTotal
very very supportivsupportiv
ee
SupportiSupportiveve
somsometimetimeses
tolerantolerantt
TolerantTolerant somesometimetime
ssnegatinegati
veve otherother
Childs Childs Initial Initial ReactiReacti
onon
positivepositive2727 99 22 00 11 99 4848
64.3%64.3% 40.9%40.9% 28.6%28.6% 0.0%0.0% 16.716.7%% 36.0%36.0% 39.3%39.3%
indiffereindifferentnt
88 55 22 1111 33 77 3636
19.0%19.0% 22.7%22.7% 28.6%28.6% 55.0%55.0% 50.050.0%% 28.0%28.0% 29.5%29.5%
negativenegative33 55 22 77 00 66 2323
7.1%7.1% 22.7%22.7% 28.6%28.6% 35.0%35.0% 0.0%0.0% 24.0%24.0% 18.9%18.9%
otherother44 33 11 22 22 33 1515
9.5%9.5% 13.6%13.6% 14.3%14.3% 10.0%10.0% 33.333.3%% 12.0%12.0% 12.3%12.3%
TotalTotal4242 2222 77 2020 66 2525 122122
100.0%100.0% 100.0%100.0% 100.0%100.0% 100.0%100.0% 100.0100.0%% 100.0%100.0% 100.0100.0
%%
Child Age Told * Childs Current Reaction CrosstabulationChild Age Told * Childs Current Reaction Crosstabulation
Childs Current ReactionChilds Current Reaction
TotalTotalvery very
supportivesupportive supportivesupportivesupportive supportive sometimessometimes toleranttolerant
tolerant tolerant sometimessometimes negativenegative otherother
Child Child Age Age ToldTold
0-30-31515 22 11 22 00 22 33 2525
60.0%60.0% 8.0%8.0% 4.0%4.0% 8.0%8.0% 0.0%0.0% 8.0%8.0% 12.0%12.0% 100.0%100.0%
4-74-71313 88 33 33 00 22 33 3232
40.6%40.6% 25.0%25.0% 9.4%9.4% 9.4%9.4% 0.0%0.0% 6.3%6.3% 9.4%9.4% 100.0%100.0%
8-118-111919 99 66 66 00 77 33 5050
38.0%38.0% 18.0%18.0% 12.0%12.0% 12.0%12.0% 0.0%0.0% 14.0%14.0% 6.0%6.0% 100.0%100.0%
12-1512-151010 1616 22 1111 11 88 11 4949
20.4%20.4% 32.7%32.7% 4.1%4.1% 22.4%22.4% 2.0%2.0% 16.3%16.3% 2.0%2.0% 100.0%100.0%
16-16-1199
1414 1111 55 99 00 33 55 4747
29.8%29.8% 23.4%23.4% 10.6%10.6% 19.1%19.1% 0.0%0.0% 6.4%6.4% 10.6%10.6% 100.0%100.0%
20-20-2233
1111 33 22 99 00 55 00 3030
36.7%36.7% 10.0%10.0% 6.7%6.7% 30.0%30.0% 0.0%0.0% 16.7%16.7% 0.0%0.0% 100.0%100.0%
24-3024-3077 00 11 66 11 44 11 2020
35.0%35.0% 0.0%0.0% 5.0%5.0% 30.0%30.0% 5.0%5.0% 20.0%20.0% 5.0%5.0% 100.0%100.0%
31+31+55 88 00 11 22 44 33 2323
21.7%21.7% 34.8%34.8% 0.0%0.0% 4.3%4.3% 8.7%8.7% 17.4%17.4% 13.0%13.0% 100.0%100.0%
TotalTotal9494 5757 2020 4747 44 3535 1919 276276
34.1%34.1% 20.7%20.7% 7.2%7.2% 17.0%17.0% 1.4%1.4% 12.7%12.7% 6.9%6.9% 100.0%100.0%
Age Told v Current Age Told v Current ReactionReaction
Child Age Told vs. Child Age Told vs. AcceptanceAcceptance
Child Age Told * Childs Current Reaction CrosstabulationChild Age Told * Childs Current Reaction Crosstabulation
Count Count
Childs Current ReactionChilds Current Reaction
TotalTotalvery very
supportivesupportive supportivesupportiveSupportiveSupportive sometimessometimes toleranttolerant
tolerant tolerant sometimessometimes negativenegative otherother
Child Age Child Age ToldTold
0-30-3 1515 22 11 22 00 22 33 2525
4-74-7 1313 88 33 33 00 22 33 3232
8-118-11 1919 99 66 66 00 77 33 5050
12-1512-15 1010 1616 22 1111 11 88 11 4949
16-1916-19 1414 1111 55 99 00 33 55 4747
20-2320-23 1111 33 22 99 00 55 00 3030
24-3024-30 77 00 11 66 11 44 11 2020
31 +31 + 55 88 00 11 22 44 33 2323
TotalTotal 9494 5757 2020 4747 44 3535 1919 276276
Telling and Supporting Telling and Supporting Wives and SO’sWives and SO’s
Has any one not told ?Has any one not told ? This may have the most value in being able to This may have the most value in being able to
help friends help friends Principles discussed earlier applyPrinciples discussed earlier apply Which means this section will be Which means this section will be shortershorter
However However
Significant GoodiesSignificant Goodies Your SO’s support is VITAL to the Your SO’s support is VITAL to the
children's happiness and level of children's happiness and level of acceptance!acceptance!
Except Except Her level of acceptance is dependant Her level of acceptance is dependant
on a number of factorson a number of factors
Factors in AcceptanceFactors in Acceptance When they found outWhen they found out Who she/he is!Who she/he is! What you have done.What you have done. How she found out.How she found out.
And nowAnd now
The WellThe Well My two oldest girls have heard more My two oldest girls have heard more
negative talk about me from my ex negative talk about me from my ex so when they see me they have their so when they see me they have their Mothers biases to deal with. The Mothers biases to deal with. The younger two live with me and are younger two live with me and are just wonderful about it all. just wonderful about it all.
Extreme reactionExtreme reaction My wife told them while I was out-My wife told them while I was out-
against my wishesagainst my wishes
Are u kidding me? I walked in and Are u kidding me? I walked in and found both kids hysterical, lying on found both kids hysterical, lying on the family room carpet...banging their the family room carpet...banging their heads on the floor, crying-sobbing and heads on the floor, crying-sobbing and screaming Why? WHY? Why? Since screaming Why? WHY? Why? Since then they hardly talk to me and I then they hardly talk to me and I hardly see themhardly see them
A dream come true?A dream come true? description_of_attitude_of_partner:description_of_attitude_of_partner:she loves having power over me.whenever she loves having power over me.whenever
i'm with her she makes dress as a girl or i'm with her she makes dress as a girl or else.else.
description_of_attitude_of_children:description_of_attitude_of_children:her mother is teaching her how to her mother is teaching her how to
humilate me.susan invites her friends humilate me.susan invites her friends over while i am dressed as a woman.over while i am dressed as a woman.
Prepared?Prepared?
Count Count
Preparation to tellPreparation to tell
TotalTotalnonenoneconsulted withconsulted with
therapisttherapisttalked with T*talked with T*
friendsfriends
gathered gathered InformationInformation from booksfrom books
gathered gathered information on information on
internetinternet
SO’sSO’scurrent current attitudeattitude
very very supportivesupportive 55 22 22 33 77 1919
supportivesupportive 99 00 11 22 88 2020
supportive supportive sometimessometimes 1111 00 22 11 11 1515
toleranttolerant 88 00 00 11 33 1212
tolerant tolerant sometimessometimes 88 00 00 00 22 1010
negativenegative 1010 00 00 11 11 1212
otherother 11 00 00 00 00 11
TotalTotal 5252 22 55 88 2222 8989
ExampleExample The web was an amazing resource, The web was an amazing resource,
as well as my many TS friends that I as well as my many TS friends that I had during my transition. I can't had during my transition. I can't think of any one author or site that think of any one author or site that was good. There is a desperate need was good. There is a desperate need for more information on how to for more information on how to break the news to the children. It break the news to the children. It was one of the hardest things I had was one of the hardest things I had to face.to face.
Support Group Value!Support Group Value! Spouse or SO's current attitude SO member of support groupSpouse or SO's current attitude SO member of support group
Count Count
SO member of support groupSO member of support group
TotalTotalyesyes nono
Spouse or Spouse or SO's SO's
current current attitudeattitude
very very supportivesupportive 1414 33 1717
supportivesupportive 77 77 1414
SupportiveSupportive sometimessometimes 44 77 1111
toleranttolerant 11 66 77
tolerant tolerant sometimessometimes 11 55 66
negativenegative 11 1515 1616
otherother 11 11 22
TotalTotal 2929 4444 7373
Initial ReactionInitial Reaction What was spouse or SO’s initial reaction When did spouse or SO find out? What was spouse or SO’s initial reaction When did spouse or SO find out?
Count Count
When did spouse or SO find out?When did spouse or SO find out?
TotalTotalBeforeBefore
marriedmarried
After marriedAfter marriedbefore before
childrenchildren
While While children children
growing upgrowing up
After After children children
growngrown OtherOther
Initial Initial reaction?reaction?
Very Very supportivesupportive 77 00 11 33 00 1111
supportivesupportive 44 00 11 55 44 1414
supportive supportive sometimessometimes 00 00 22 33 11 66
toleranttolerant 1111 11 55 33 11 2121
tolerant tolerant sometimessometimes 33 00 00 66 11 1010
negativenegative 33 00 99 1414 88 3434
otherother 22 00 00 11 11 44
TotalTotal 3030 11 1818 3535 1616 100100
Support!Support! The best support for wives is other The best support for wives is other
wives wives It can be as little as an e-mail groupIt can be as little as an e-mail group Better yet in personBetter yet in person They do have to be They do have to be openopen to support! to support!
Church activityChurch activityCount Count
SO's church activitySO's church activity
TotalTotal
does not does not regularly regularly
attend attend churchchurch
attends attends regularly regularly
once or twiceonce or twice a montha month
attends once a attends once a weekweek
attends or isattends or is active more active more than once than once
A weekA week
SO’s currentSO’s current attitudeattitude
very very supportivesupportive 1212 11 33 33 1919
supportivesupportive 66 33 44 22 1515
supportive supportive sometimessometimes 44 22 11 33 1010
toleranttolerant 11 33 22 11 77
TolerantTolerant sometimessometimes 33 33 22 11 99
negativenegative 33 22 00 77 1212
TotalTotal 2929 1414 1212 1717 7272