Download - Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D
Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships
Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.
Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships
Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.
DefinitionsDefinitions
Polygamy - More Than One Spouse Polygyny - More Than One Wife Polyandry - More Than One Husband
Monogamy - One Spouse Does not preclude sexual fidelity
Serial Monogamy - One Spouse at a Time Swinging - One Spouse; Multiple Playmates Polyamory - Consensual Multiple Committed
Loving Relationships
Poly Speak: The Language of Polyamory
Poly Speak: The Language of Polyamory
Compersion loving empathy for one’s partner being
loved/engaged by others New Relationship Energy (NRE)
Limerence Other Significant Other (OSO) Primary, Secondary, Tertiary
maintain social family hierarchy Polyfidelity
sexually faithful to one’s family
Poly ConfigurationsPoly Configurations
Open Couple Independent SinglePrimary and Secondary PartnersMultiple Primary PartnersTriad -- V or Quad Intimate Network
Poly PlayersPoly Players94.3% WhiteHighly EducatedScience Fiction Aficionados
Heinlein and Rimmer (1960s)Utopian SwingersFrustrated by Monogamy Independent Idealists
Poly Cultural PracticesPoly Cultural Practices
New partners incorporated for novelty NOT to displace/replace long term ones
Disinterest in Western culture’s celebration of “the one.”
NRE viewed as a temporary state, not a reason to disrupt one’s home life. Avoidance of romantic love roller coasters
Human Reproductive StrategiesHuman Reproductive Strategies Sexy Son Hypothesis (Buss, 1994) Partible Paternity (Hrdy, 1999) Serial Monogamy (Fisher, 1994)
Adultery-Divorce-Remarriage Cycle Lover in the Wings 2-4 year Divorce Cycle
Polygamy Polygyny Polyandry
Stages of Romantic LoveStages of Romantic Love Lust
sexual interest -- love at first sight testosterone
Attraction love sick, exhilaration, infatuation, NRE dopamine, norepinephrine
Attachment stability, tranquility, peace oxytocin, vasopressin
Detachment withdrawal, boredom
Brain ChemistryBrain Chemistry
Romantic Love raises dopamine and norepinephrine levels favoritism (unwavering focus on “the one”) obsession with details possessiveness/mate guarding
High Serotonin levels can function to inoculate individuals from romantic love roller coasters. little need to be validated from the confirmation
of mutual love
Incidence of Romantic LoveIncidence of Romantic Love
A Human Universal found in nearly all non-Western societies Not a Western cultural artifact!
Considered different from Sexual Lust Can be suicidal when advances are not
reciprocatedSubject to high levels of Jealousy
Pair BondingPair BondingBanned by Oneida and Kerista
Focused on group love Starling brothers and sisters Discouraged investment in NRE
Is it possible to be in love with more than one sweetie?Is it possible to be in love with more than one sweetie? Its very possible to be in lust with many
partners Its possible to be in the attachment phase
with multiple partners The attraction phase may be largely a mono-
experience Rare instances of falling in love with a couple
Sex-Love Jealousy Biological Roots
males fear being deceived into raising a child that is not biologically theirs.
Cultural Roots may be largely a product of cultural learning, being
barely present amongst the Inuit, Marquesans and Keristans
Economic Roots females fear that their partner’s time, energy and
resources will be directed outside of their home and their children.
Kinds of JealousyKinds of Jealousy
Possessive Jealousy Exclusion Jealousy
feeling left out, deprived of time/attention Competition Jealousy
feeling inadequate comparing oneself Ego Jealousy
feeling others will judge them as inadequate for sharing a lover
Fear Jealousy anxiety that partner will leave permanently
Jealousy and MonogamyJealousy and Monogamy
Jealousy is seen as a sign of intense or “true” love.
Financial penalties for divorce reflect economic and domestic possessiveness
Jealousy occurs when displacement or replacement is feared
Jealousy and PolygynyJealousy and Polygyny Occurs when resources can be divided
unevenly Can happen when visiting times are
unequal Can arise when favoritism is suspected Can occur when it is not chosen by the
wives switching from monogamy to polygyny co-wives that don’t get along
Ways Swinging Limits Jealousy
Taste but Don’t Surrender No elaborate Seduction
Limited Sharing Preserve Social/Legal Monogamy
Safer Sex Viral and Emotional Avoid Engaging Highly Attractive Players
Polyamory and JealousyPolyamory and Jealousy
It requires personal growth to transform into no longer being jealous (Nearing)
Polyamory is a more advanced form of relationship for those prepared to evolve beyond monogamy (Anapol)
You can change the way you experience jealousy (Easton & Liszt)
Polyamory and Jealousy StudyPolyamory and Jealousy Study
229 questionnaires received 140 questionnaires evaluated
focussed on those that engaged in poly style dating
swingers who just engage others as a couple at sex parties were not included
created an11-point compersion index drawing from six compersion measures.
Research ObjectivesResearch ObjectivesGather information on how poly people
construct their social, emotional and sexual lives
Explore ways poly people address/ resolve jealousy provoking situations
Evaluate social and behavioral factors that might predict compersiveness
Data LimitationsData LimitationsFilling out a questionnaire over a 15-
minute period of time offers only a brief emotional snap shot
Most participants were ideologically inclined towards the logic of polyamory (re: Compersion Index)
Questionnaire most coherent to those living as an “open couple.”
OverviewOverview58 males82 femalesPeak Baby Boomers
male median age -- 45 female median age -- 43
Ages in 2002
0
10
20
30
40
50
60 Wolfe
Cosmo
Cavallero
Larsen
Schubach
Caust
Gilmartin
Compersion MeasuresCompersion Measures
Watching a partner being sexual with someone else
Being Watched by One’s Partner… Feelings about partner spending the night
with other lovers What happens when partner returns… Impact of poly dating on home relationship Change relationship agreements?
Compersion IndexCompersion Index11 point scaleMedian 9.12Only 7.9% less then 7.Compersive thinking is largely the norm
for the people who participated in this survey
Survey Conclusions Survey Conclusions Prior social, emotional and sexual
independence did not preclude successful adaptation to polyamory
Over 70% reported that practicing polyamory had increased their self-esteem and their love for their home partner
Upwards of 90% contended that being poly had afforded them a better perspective both on themselves and on their partners.
Statistically Significant CorrelationsStatistically Significant CorrelationsMales more compersive than females
greater number of partners per year--less attachment--sense of abundance
Those who report that they love each of their lovers equally embrace poly ideology
Heterosexuals who masturbate frequently more substantial inner life
Actualizing Compersion /Negotiating JealousyActualizing Compersion /Negotiating Jealousy Developed Inner Life
masturbation, spirituality, meditation Full Plate Life
busy with work, family, lovers Extended Family of Choice
Believe in Poly Ideology Celebrate Starling Relationships There is not just one “one”
High Serotonin Uptake Fears of Loss not actualized.
New loves did not displace/replace partners
The Polyamory BlurThe Polyamory Blur Limit NRE elevating experiences
Reduces emotional spectrum Embrace Compersive Thinking
Tolerate partners’ other loves Serial Monogamy may be practiced in slow
motion. Averts dramatic breakups / divorce
Engage in “Polyarmory” Control partners’ activities Avoid non-poly romantic engagements