Download - Fallen Angels
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FallenAngels
poetrybyresidentsoftheCyndiKrierTaylor
JuvenileCorrectionalTreatmentCenter
inpartnershipwithGeminiInkacenterforliteraryarts&ideas
Summer2004©2004GeminiInk
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Foreword
Thepoetryinthisanthologywaswrittenbyyoungpeople,butit’snotkidstuff.It’sgrittyanduncompromising,reflectingtheveryadultpainandstrugglethewritershaveexperienced.Itspeaksoflovelostandfound,ofthejoyofcommunityandthelonelinessofseparation,oftrustandbetrayalonthedeepestlevels,offaithanddespair,offierceprideandabjecthumiliation,ofmistakesandmisjudgmentsandattemptstosetthingsright. Butmostly,itspeaksofcourage,foritalwaystakescouragetospeakthetruthnecessarytotheprocessofrebuildinglives. Fortwoyears,GeminiInkwriter-in-residenceDaveRutschmanhasworkedwiththecourageousyoungpeopleattheCyndiTaylorKrierJuvenileCorrectionalTreatmentCenter.Inpoetryworkshopsliketheonethatresultedinthisanthology,theyexplorewaysoftellingtheirownstories,foritisthroughsharingstoriesthatwelearnhowtolive. Inthisanthology,theyoungpoetsarejoinedbystudentsfromSAYSí,agraphicartsprogramforinner-cityyouth.Theirphotographsspeakasloudlyaswords,reflectingtheirinnerthoughtsandemotionsandthestarkbeautyoftheworldaroundthem. Read,reflect,andsharetheirstrugglesandtheirtriumphs.
--BettButlerDirector,WritersinCommunities
GeminiInk
GeminiInk’sworkattheCyndiTaylorKrierJuvenileCorrectionalTreatmentCenter
andthispublicationweremadepossibleby:TheBexarCountyWomen’sBarFoundation
TheNationalEndowmentfortheArtsThe San Antonio Express-News
TesoroPetroleum
Specialthanksto:DaveRutschman,Writer-in-Residence
GlennFaulk,ActivitiesDirector,CyndiTaylorKrierCenterJonHinojosa,ExecutiveDirector,SAYSí
ClaudioAguillon,VisualArtsAssociateDirector,SAYSíRosemaryCatacalos,ExecutiveDirector,GeminiInk
Cover:Plaintive
Brian GonzalezAge 17
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FallenAngels 5
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FallenAngels 5
StephanieO.
WoundsandSorrowsDedicated to my love, we’ll always be together
ThinkingbackandsometimesforwardIseemebeinglowered.Iamyoung,beautiful,andhaveavoiceofanangel.Imakepeopleweakthewayhemakesmefeelinatangle.Iamthecolorthatrepresentsstrength.IamHispanicwiththefullestlength.Iamaqueeninforeigncountries.Iamaloverthatisassoftasadoveandassweetasarose.Iamaleaderofunknownthings,Iamagirlfriendandeverythinginbetween.Iamagoddess,Apreciousgem.Iamsomethingyouwanttolookwithin.SometimesIcryatnight,youcan’tseeitbecauseyoudon’tknowmysecretsAndeverythingthatliesinside.MystomachturnsAndsometimesIyearntofeellikeI’vebeenerasedandsomisplaced.IhavesomanyscarsandpainthatsometimesIwanttocryinvain.Youseewhypeoplewanttojudgeme,Yettheydon’tunderstandmyinsidesandconfusion.I’mnotabigillusion.Ihaveasignwhenpeoplecomenearthatsaysnointrusion.Ireallycan’texplainit.WhatIdonowisLife.ThinkingbackandsometimesforwardIseemebeingbitterlylowered.
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6 FallenAngels FallenAngels 7
RaymondU.
MyLifeHasChanged
Iusedtosellalotofdrugs,Andhungoutwithgangmembersandthugs,Ihadsomanythingsandalotofmoney,AndwhenIhurtpeopleIthoughtitwasfunny.I’vegottenintoalotoftroubleandranawayfromcops,Andmyhomeboysgavemealotofprops,I’veseensomeofmyfriendsgetkilledinfrontofmyeyes,Becauseofsomeofourstupidlies,I’vehurtmyfamilyandmyself,Takingawaymyfutureandmyhealth,IneverthoughtIwouldgetlockedup,AndwhenIdidmylifewasstuck.
ButnowIthinkI’mdoingalotbetter,Andmylifehaschangedjustliketheweather,IneverthoughtIcouldsucceed,ButnowI’mstayingawayfromtheweed,Myfutureissomuchclearer,AndIseeadifferentpersonwhenIlookinthemirror.
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Water SpotsAaronGallegos
Age 14
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JoshuaG.
Success
Successisawonderfulfeeling,kindoflikewhenyouputonthatprettydresswithoutanycauseofstress.
Issuccessthegainingofwealthandfameorisittheoutcomeofawonderfulgame?
Isitonewhosucceedsevenifitmeansjusttopee.Somepeoplethinkit’sgreed.ButIthinkit’sthebeginningofanewseed.
Successiseverythingtogainright,butyoucanreallyloseeverything,itcanleaveyouwiththatremainingbruise.Kindoflikewhenyoufindthosematchingshoes.
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8 FallenAngels FallenAngels 9
RoyG.
WhatisPain?
It’sthestuffthathurts,It’sthestuffatwork,Everytimeyoucry.
It’sthethingsyousee,It’stheheavyweight,Wheneversomeonedies.
It’sthephysicalandmental,It’stheemotionallystressing,Attimeswhenyouwannagiveup.
It’sabullettotheheart,Orarelativedying,Thestuffthatmakesyoustoptrying.
It’swhattheworldhasalotofAndlikestogivetoothersButwon’tshowloveforthemselvesoranother.
It’swhataltersyourdecisionsIt’stherootofallevilAnditmostdefinitelycandestroyyou.
It’sthedirtythingcalledpain.
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RosalieV.
I’magirlwhositsaloneatthemiddleofthenight,WonderingwhyIputmylifeaside,BeforeIevengottothelight.I’magirlwhoseneverfacedphysicalabuse,Butsomehowledintodruguse.Itterrifiesmetonotknowwhathappenedonthosenights,Whateveritwasmessedmeupforlife.ManytimesIaskmyself,wheredidIgowrong?WhydidIusethesesubstancestomakemefeelbetteraboutmyself?IguessthisisthepriceIhavetopay,knowingIhavetoliveitdaybyday.AttimesIfeelalone,Iwannamoveonbutdon’tknowwheretostart,Ikeeptellingmyselfalltheselies,Iwannaforgivemyself,AlthoughmyeyesstarttowaterandIbegintocry.Somethinginmeisburningforlove,somethinginmeiscallingforattention.Ibelievesomewhereinmeisanintelligentgirl,ButIhavetowannatrytogettothefantasyworld.
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VanityA.J. Saucedo
Age 16
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StephanieO.
Lil’ChrisDedicated to my homeboy Chris. You will always be in my heart. R.I.P., May, 2002.
Hewasmyboy,Theonewhoshowedmemyfirstsilvertoy.Hewasmybestfriendtilltheveryend.HewasmyhomiewhoneverdisownedmeEvenwhenmymomdisapprovedBecauseofmybadattitude.ThedayhetookhislifeWasthedayIdiedanddroppedmymic.IreadtheletterandtearspouredoutofmyeyesHittingthefloorasheavyasmycries.Hediditfromtheceilingfan.Whycouldn’tIhavebeentheretoholdhishand?Hislittleboywillneverknowhisdaddy,ButI’llseethatheknowshowmuchhecaredEvenifhecan’tbethere.AskingmyselfifIcouldhavestoppedhim.Wonderingwhyhisownhomeboymockedhim.Helovedhisgirlmorethananything,Weusedtoflowabouthimmarryingher,Whydidyoudoit?Whydon’tyouanswerme?Ican’tbelieveyouleftme.Ilovedyoumorethanlife.YouweremybrotherYoustoppedmefrompickingupthatknife.SlowingitdowniswhatIsaidButyoudiditanywaynotlisteninginstead.Nowyou’redead.Istillseeyouhangingfromyourbelt,YouthinkIdidn’tknowhowyoufelt?Iloveyou,Cease.I’llalwaysbeyourgirlIcanfeelyourightnowSittingnexttomeWithnodoubt.
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ReneS.
Idonotwishtobeapoet,Makingriddlesandrhymes,Idonotwishtobeapoet,Makingpennies,nickels,anddimes.
Iwantthebigdollars,Iwantthebigbucks,IwantmytrashtolookLikeamillionbucks.
Doesthissoundsogreedy,Seemsounfair,Ifyoulookatmyexpression,YoucantellIdon’tcare.
ButthetruthisthatIdon’tneedmoney,AllI’mreallydoingistryingtobefunny.
SoIhopeyouhadalaugh,Hopeyoucrackedasmile,BythewaycanIborrowtenbucks,I’llpayyoubacktomorrow.
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TimothyR.
TheMazeofMyLife
Onthebrightestnightsandthedarkestdays,leftwithnotimetoplay.Stuckinalifelikeamazedoingcrimestogetpaid.Inandoutofjail,walkingdownatrail,halfwaytoHell.Iwasflyingthroughtheskywatchingmyfamilyandfriendscry,notwantingtoseethetearsfallfromtheireyeswhenIdie.Timeaftertimethecopscometoshine.Standingatmydoorhearinghitthefloor,Idipoutthebacktohearagaugecrack,fallingtomykneeswithbloodonmypants.Iwokeupwithchainsattachedmakingbabystepslookthroughthecracksseeingmylifeslippingbyandonceagainthecriescomebacktotheman,asthedaysfalloffandthetimedropsbyonthestreetImeetthemiseryofmylifeagainhittingadeadendsittingwithafriendsmokingthesamedrugsoverandoveragain.Comingbacktothemaze,I’mlockedupagain,thankingGoditisn’tthestatepen.Ilost3kidsand2babymammas,ifIlosethislastonethereisgoingtobesomedrama.WellallI’mtryingtosayisIwillseeyouwhenImakeitoutofthismazeandtoGodIgivepraise.Asnightturnsdayanddayturnsnightthebirdstakeflightthisisalittleofmylife.I’mthebirdthattakesflightfortheevilismynight,andgoodismyday.Stuckinthisplaceitlooksliketheendoftheroad.There’smanywaysoutbutonlyoneforme.Seeeverybodyhasonewaytoescape,mywayisdeath.Nomatterwhattimeofdayornight,allIwantistogiveupmylife.NoonethinksIcandoanythingright,wellit’stimetoletgoandshowwhattheworldwouldbewithoutme,Timothy.Iwillleavemygirl,myfamilyandmylife,Igiveuponrunningtostayalive,thereisnooneformesonowIshalllayinR.I.P.Don’ttrytostopmenow,withthe9tomyheadIshallbedead.FortoolongIledmysoldiersintowarandlessthanhalfcomeback.Allissilent,thelakes,rivers,andoceanlaystill.Nowindblows,notreemovesfromsidetoside.Nobirdinflightonthiscolddarknight.“Bang!”Likeapetalfromarosefallstotheground,Ifallinabloodbedwhilemysoulfloatsaboutmylifelessbody.Allmypainisgonewithmetoroamtheearthtostopthemisery.
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BandagesBrian Gonzales
Age 17
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16 FallenAngels FallenAngels 17
CrystalV.
Life
Iammyownfriend,Proudofbeingaliveinaworldofhate.Self-employeeontheghettostreets,GhosttownCassianoCourtsiswhereIsleep.
EverydayIwatchmybackNeverknowwhensomeonewillpullOutagap.AthugfromtheWestSide,ButyetIthinkofsuicide.
Myheartisfullofdeepwoundsandscars,Ihadnofearaslongasmystrapwasnear.NowI’mlockedupbehindfourwalls,SoIjustguessitwasmytime,Ihurtsomanypeople,I’minconsiderateascanbe.Toseeoneoverdoseitwasn’tscary.
Iwaslivingalifeofnegativity.Iwanttogohomebutyetit’sbroke,ThesescreamsIhearIsometimesfear.
Igrewupwithhate,soItreatthesame.Icouldstillhearthosefiendspagingandcallingme.Pleasejuststop,waitit’sjustallinsideofme,IfeelI’mgoinginsane.Everything’sspinningI’mtiredofallthispain.
IreminiscewhenIhungfromthestairsWithanextensioncordtiedaroundmyneckIreallythoughtthatwouldbemylastbreath.
NowIstandstrongwithmyheaduphigh,Iwon’tbackdown,Ihavetoomuchpride,ButwhenIwillbefreeIdonotknow,Ifeellikeananimalwaitingtobereleased.TheysayI’mathreattosocietyYettheydon’tevenknowme,IbarelyknowmyselfI’montheedgewaitingtoFinallyletgo.
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JanieG.
Chance
Here’satoasttotheoneIlovethemostTomyjefatheonenevertoboast
SorryforIhavehurtyouinthepastIneverwantedforthispaintolast
IwishIcouldchangemywrongstorightsCausewhatI’veputyouthroughreallybites
YoulookedsostressedoutDamnIhatemyselfBecauseIwonderwhatyoufelt
SopleasenevergiveuponmeCauseyou’remyjefaTheonewhomademe
You’reastrongbrownChicanaMuchoamorpormimamaYoustuckaroundwithmeEventhoughIhurtyouWiththeloveporvida
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LauraP.
AsthedaysslowlypassIalwayssaytomyself,whycouldn’tIlast?IsaidIwasnevergonnagetlockedupagainButnowlookwhereI’mat.OnlyifIknewhowtoact.IthoughtIwasallgrownupAndknewrightfromwrong,ButobviouslyIcan’ttellrightfromwrongBecauseifIdidIwouldn’thavetofaceAllthestrugglesandpainThatInowfaceeveryday.Beinglockedupisnoteasy.EspeciallythatI’m3monthspregnant.It’sjustsuchashameButI’mtheonetoblame!NowallIcoulddoispraytoGodTohelpmechangemyfoolishwaysAndleadmetherightwayIwannaopenmyeyestotherealworldAndstopplayingchildishgames!Whilemybaby’sdaddyisoutinthefree,Onlyifheknewhowitwouldhurtme,Tofindouthe’sseeingsomeonenew.SometimesIwonderifthisistrueOrjustadreamOramIeverleavingthisplaceItallseemsendlessIt’scausedmesomuchstress.
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AbandonedLauren Martinez
Age 15
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TimothyR.
MyLoveforYou
Myloveforyouissogreat,Myloveforyouisnomistake,Myloveforyousplitstheocean,Myloveforyoushakestheearth,Myloveforyouissohigh,Myloveforyoufloatsinthesky,Myloveforyouiseverlasting,Myloveforyouisnevercrashing,ThisismyloveforyoufrommyheartpraytoGodItneverfallsapart.Myloveforyouisheretostay,SowhatI’mtryingtosayIloveyougirleveryday.
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Anonymous
Wokeupthismorning...
Wokeupthismorningblamingmyself,MymompassedawaywhenIwasonlytwelve.Shewaswithmetwenty-fourseven,AndIcriedwhenshelefttoheaven.Shewaslikemybestfriend,ButnowIknowI’llneverseeheragain.Aftershediedmyunclewouldabuseme,Thenmywholefamilystartedtoaccuseme.Ialwayskeptittomyself,Inevershareditwithnooneelse.IstartedrunningawaycauseIneededsomehelpAndIendedupbehindacell.IdidsixmonthsatCampbellGriffin,WhenIgotoutsomestuffwasdifferent.Ihadajobandwenttoschool,Andatthatmomenteverythingwascool.Imetthisguywhotreatsmeright,Andhealwaystoldmethatit’llbeallright.AftertwoyearsIwentbacktoJuvy,Forrunningawayandbeingsoscrewy.NowI’mhereatSouthtonDoingninemonthsandthinkingofthefriendsIshould’vechosen.I’vegonethroughroughtimesandsometimesIfellButIthankGodcauseHewastheretohelp.Lifeishardandweallmoveon,AndnomatterwhathappensinlifeWeshouldalwaysstaystrong.
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MeganY.
Areyouthere?
AsIsitherewithsorrowandpain,IthinkbacktowhenIsawyoulyinginyourgrave.BeforeyouleftyousaidnottoworryButyouleftinsuchahurry.WhatdoIdowhenIamdown,Ineedyoubackaround,Areyouuptherewatchingdowninthecloudsthatareround?Areyouuptheresmilingdownthroughtheholethatwasfound?WellIloveyouIhopeyouknow.Rememberthatandneverletgo,SoholdmenearandwhisperinmyearallthelovelythingsthatIlovetohear.Don’tworryIknowyou’renear,Andnowmyfearswillsoondisappear.
Dedicated to:Trudie Ward, in loving memoryR.I.P. 4.16.03
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Virgin MaryDesaray Elizondo
Age 17
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JanieG.
TheWestSide
TheWestSideismysideoftown.Iwouldprefertolivetheretherestofmylife.
TheWestSideisghettobutIloveit.
TheWestSideisthebestplacetobe,withthesummerbreezehittingyourface.Thewarmsunlightagainstyourbody,itjustfeelssoright.
TheWestSidestreetsfullofkidsrunningaround,playingball,runningbehindtrees,playinghideandseek,eatingwatermelon.Youcanseethegirlsplayingjumpingropeandtheboysplayingfootballinthestreets.
TheWestSideismykindofhood,theadultsplayingcumbañamusicfromtheircars.OntheWestSideoftownyoualwaysseeorsmellsomeonehavingbar-b-que.Thepinata’scandyfallingtotheground.Childrenruntothecandyandpickitupoffthefloor,afterthattheyseewhogotthegoodcandyandthemost.Allofthegrandma’shousesarealwaysfullofpeople.Thegardenstheyhavearecolorful,beautiful.
TheWestSideyoucanfeelwelcome.Everyoneknowseachother.YoufeellikeonebigfamilyandformelivingontheWestSidemakesmehappy.
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The Beauty Upon the MessJessica Barrera
Age 17
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TimothyR.
HereISit
Iwaslostinthistimeofpainandcrime,FeelthatI’mlosingmymind.Mygirlsitswithasmileonherface,Walkingthroughthetrailswithoutatrace.Imetyouatafriend’shouseonarainynight,Forthethunderandlightgaveyouafright,IheldyoutightnotknowingyouweregoingtochangeMylife.NowasIsitinaplacewherethereisnosunlight,Ihaveapictureofyouthatmakesmynightsbright,Wewouldlaughandjokeplaygamesinthesnow,ButasI’mlockedawaywhenIseeyouIwishtostay.Asmyblooddripsdownfrommyopenwounds,YourloveIlookupontoclosethemsoon.HereIsitinthedusttoreadyourletteryes,Imust.FornowIsleepalone,SoIloveyou,Can’twaittogethome.
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RiverAli Huser
Age 14
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MeganY.
MakingitThrough
Dedicated to my loved one, you will always be in my heart. I love you.
AsIsithereandthinkofyou,Ithinkofhowwe’regonnamakeitthrough.Rememberwhenyousaidyoudidn’twantmetoleave?WellI’mrightheresoyoubetterbelieve.We’vebeenthroughhardtimesandstrugglesButIknowwecancompletethispuzzle.I’mforreal,thisisn’tagame.Solet’sjustmaintain.Myloveforyouwillneverfade,Itwillalwaysbeablazingflame!
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ThomasC.
FallenAngel
Thefallenangelfelltoday.Hefellfromheaven,helosthisway,hiswinghasbroken,hishalohasgoneaway.Thefallenangelfarfromhomeontheearth,aplacetohimthat’sdifferent(it’sworse).Helooksaroundatthesuffering,thepainheremembersfreewillbutthisisinsane.Whywouldapersonletanotherstarve,whenhehadfoodandhisstomachwaslarge?Whathappenedtocompassion,tocharity,andsharing?Togivingyourneighbortheclothesyou’rewearing?Hisfatherwassadyetthisworldhewassparing,hecouldenditwhenever,westillhaveachance,toturnourlivesovertohimwitheverygesture,everyglance,toprotecteachotherandalltheanimalsandplants.Toturnourlivesovertohissonandaccepthisplan.Hegaveusasavioragifttoacceptandeverydaysincehe’sneverslept.
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Youcameoutofthepen,Youwentbackin,YoucameoutagainandmadethoseN’s.
Backonyourfeet,Thewaylifewasmeanttobe.Youhelpedmesomuch,YouevenhatedwhenIdiddrugs.
AtonetimeIlivedwithyou,IneverhadthecouragetosayIloveyou.Youtreatedmelikeyourveryown,Eventhoughyouhadyourbabygirl.
Iloveyousomuchfortakingmein.Iwon’teverforgetaboutthosetimesweHadbackthen.IreallyhopeyoureminiscethetimeyouLivedwithme.Weallthoughtwe’dlivetheretildeathSetusfree.
Nowyouhaveafamiliaofyourown,IreallywishIcouldcomebackhome,Primoyouwerelikemydad.
YoutoldmeifIgraduateyou’dhookmeup.AtleastIknowitwon’tbedrugs.
Yourideonspinna’s,Andhaveagreatamountofferia.IknowyouwerehurtwhenIgotlockedup.YouhadaguiltyconscienceandyourmindWasallmessedup.You’reprobablythinkingyouhavetoomuchOfacoldhearttocare.ButI’monewhoknowsthestuffyouHideinside.
YougotasoftspotthatIcanseewhenIlookinyoureyes.Behindthatsmileandbeneaththelies,Thereisamanwithalotofpride.
Wellpontetruchaandpleasedon’tscrewUp,Don’tworryaboutmecauseI’llbefineI’llstandmyground,AndIwon’tletyoudown.
CrystalV.
Primo
to my primo
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AndrewA.
TheTruth
Thetruthyouhaven’ttoldMe.ThingsthataregoingOn.WhatI’mfeeling.IdoneedsomeonetoholdMe.IhavethatparticularpersonInmind.YoulookbeautifulinallbutIdidn’tthinkyoucouldlookSofine.MybrotherlockedupforsomeThinghedidn’tdo.IdothinkGod’stryingtoSendmeasign.AndwiththatpersonguidingMethroughlifepassingawayThinkaboutitdoyoureallyThinkI’mfeelingok?
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Gabrielle
Strong,Beautiful,andIntelligent
Strong,beautiful,andintelligent,thatiswhatIamLikethesunthatkeepsusgoingAndshinesacrosstheland.
Yes,strong,beautiful,andintelligent,thatiswhatIam,LikethewomanwhogavebirthTotheboywho’snowaman.
Strong,beautiful,andintelligent,thatiswhatI’llbe,Liketheraindropsthatfloodtheground,soontobecomeasea.
Strong,beautiful,andintelligent,ThatiswhoIhavebecomeLikethedayGodchosemysoulBeforemylifehadbegun.
Yes,strong,beautiful,andintelligent,ThisiswhoIamLiketheshellthatpondersamidstthesea,andhasdriftedtothesand.
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32 FallenAngels FallenAngels 33
StephanieO.
UsingMe
LoveisawordthatcomesfromtheheartButsomanysayitrightfromthestartNotknowingitneverfadesapart.
LoveisawordpeopletakeforgrantedWhenyouusedtotellmeyoulovedmeItmademybodywarmthenI’dsitthereLookingallstupidanddumbLikeapieceofgumThatyouhavechewedsomuchitlosesitstasteNowIknowitwasjustawasteAndnowI’mbeingreplacedYoudidn’tcareaboutmeorhowI’dfeelyoujustneedsomeonetohavethatpleasure.Yousaidthiswasadesperatemeasure.JusttoletyouknowI’msomethingtotreasure.ButIguessthat’sitnoonetocareItwasonebigdare.Okay.YoufooledmemorethananythingbutIdon’tcareBecauseIliveanotherdayAsyouaremimickingandwantingmetostay.
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34 FallenAngels FallenAngels 35
GregoryS.
Life
Lifeistooshortsodon’tthrowitaway.IprayatnighthopingthatGodshowsmetheway.ButwhenwegotbeeforwhenitcomesdownTothe9mm.heatIhopeI’mnottoBetheonetobelaidtosleepwhilemyFamilyandfriendspraytoGodthatIrestinpeace.BeingbehindbarsdreamingandthinkingAboutdrivingfancycarsthinkingwhyisLifesohard.LivinginthefastlaneorbeingInthedopegameain’tthethangwhenyouSittin’behindbarswishingthatyoucouldHavechangedwhenyouthoughtlifewasAllaboutbeinginthedopegame.AndafterawhileyougettiredofhearingControl,openFox2oryou’llgettiredofWearingthosecountyblues.Lifeistooshort:Don’tdocrimeBecauseonlylosersdotime.
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34 FallenAngels FallenAngels 35
DumpsterAaron Gallegos
Age 14
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36 FallenAngels FallenAngels 37
GregoryS.
What’sUp,World?
WeliveinthisworldlikeRatsinacageateachothersthroatsbecauseofBloodyrage.ThisworldcouldmisleadyourefusetogoastrayDrugsweusetakemanylivesaway.AmanwhohasfaithwillfindabetterwayLostinaworldofinsanitytruthcanbeFound.SomuchangerandhatewegetaswegoroundWewillneverberespectedashumanbeingsUntilwereactasnormalorintelligenthumanBeings.ManismindandallowthemtofindthetrueDesign.WearetheAmericandreamBecomecleanfollowmedowntotheJORDANSTREAMrememberwearethe AMERICANDREAM.
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36 FallenAngels FallenAngels 37
WendyG.
MySweetMother
Ihadamotherandshewasverysweet.Duringthefuntimes,shealwayscaredaboutme.
WhenIwasdown,ordrowninginself-doubt,AllIhadtodowascallhername,andshewouldalwayshelpmeout.
Wehavebeenthereforeachother,alwaysthroughthickandthin.WhentherewasasecretthatIdidn’tknow,shewouldalwaysletmein.
Shewillneverleavemyheart,nomatterwhereshegoes.She’smyoneandonly,she’smyonlytruelove.
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38 FallenAngels FallenAngels 39
WendyG.
Iam
Iamagirlwho’sbeenlockeduptwice.Iamapersonwho’shadaroughlife.Iamadaughterhidingdepression.Iamacousinmakingabadimpression.IamyourfriendactinglikeI’mfine.Iamawisherwishingthislifeweren’tmine.Iamafriendwhosometimesiscruel.Iamagirlsittingnexttoyou.Iamtheoneaskingyoutocare.I’myourbestfriendhopingyou’llbethere.
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38 FallenAngels FallenAngels 39
HotlineNicoleAnnVasquez
Age16
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40 FallenAngels FallenAngels 41
MeganY.
Please
AllthesestrugglesAlltheseliesAllIwanttodoishide.AtnightIsitinmyroomandcry.ThenIaskGodwhy.Whycan’tIjustdie?Mylifeisnothingbutaroughride.Please,God,tellmewhy,WhydoIhavetotakethisride?IsitbecauseIsnortedcocaine?OrisitbecauseIleftwhenyoucame?PleaseGodI’mgoingthroughsomuchpain,EvenmyfamilythinksI’mlame.AmItheonetoblame?Pleasestaybymyside,Andthenwe’lltakethisride.
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40 FallenAngels FallenAngels 41
IhaveawallyoucannotseeBecauseit’sdeepinsideofmeItblocksmyheartoneverysideAndhelpsemotionstheretohideYoucan’treachinIcan’treachoutYouwonderwhatit’sallabout
ThewallIbuildthatyoucan’tseeResultsofmyinsecurityEachtimemytenderheartwashurtThescarswithingrewworseandworseSostonebystoneIbuildawallThat’snowsothickitwillfall
Pleaseunderstandthatit’snotyouContinuetryingtobreakthroughIwantsomuchtoshowmyselfAndlovefromyouwouldreallyhelpSobitbybitchipatmywallTillstonebystoneitstartstofall
IknowtheprocesswillbeslowIt’snevereasytoletgoOfhurtsandfailureslongingrainedUponone’sheartfromyearsofpainI’msoafraidtoletyouinIknowImightgethurtagain
ItrysohardtobreakthewallButseemtogetnowhereatallForstoneuponeachstoneI’vestackedAndleftbetweenthemnotacrackTheonlywaytomakeitfallAreimperfectionsinthewall
IdidthebestIcouldtobuildAperfectwallbuttherearestillAfewsmallflawswhicharethekeyTobreakingthroughthewalltomePleaseuseeachflawtocauseacrackToknockastoneoffofthestack
ForjustasstonebystonewaslaidWitheveryhurt,witheverypainSostonebystonethewallwillbreakAslovereplaceseveryachePleasebetheonewhocaresenoughTofindtheflawsnomatterwhat
JanieG.
StonebyStone
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42 FallenAngels FallenAngels 43
LauraP.
Twoyearsagobackin’02,MyhomeboyDomeleftme,Icouldn’tbelieveitwastrue.AsIwassippingthelastsipinmycup,MyhomeboyDomewasoutgettingshot,NowIsithereandwonderwhythatgirlhadtosethimup.IquestionmyselfwhythishadtohappentomeWasitmewholefthimtodie?ItbreaksmyheartknowingthatDomewasonly19andheain’therewithme.ButitmakesmehappyKnowinghisspiritisflyingfree.
R.I.P. Dome 72, dedicated to you.
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42 FallenAngels FallenAngels 43
La VirgenSara Hinojosa
Age 15
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44 FallenAngels FallenAngels 45
JonathanA.
SweetDreams
OnceuponatimeIwastwomonthsold.Slowlydrowningintheplacenta.
Iwasanembryo.
Kickingthewallstryingtobreakfree.Umbilicalcordwrappedaroundmyneckchokingme.
TheninthmonthoflaborIfinallybrokeout.WouldImakeit,Faithwasatdoubt.
Iopenedmyeyestoseeaflashoflight.Mylifeallofasuddenbegantoignite.
Whowasthiswomanwithreliefonherface?WhereamIat,Idon’trecognizethisplace?
AcoupleofdayslaterIwasbroughttomyhome.That’swhenIfoundoutIwasn’talone.
Ihadtwosistersandoneolderbrother.SixmonthsintolifemyfatherIdiscovered.
Whoisthisguystaringatmeamazed?Jointinhismouth,eyessoglazed.
IwassixyearsoldwhenIheardmymother’scries.Lookatthisdudewithguiltinhiseyes.
Iruntomom’sroomandfindherlyingstill.Herheadrisesupandbloodstartstospill.
Istartscreaming,mybrotherrunsin.IawakefromaflashbackdoseduponVicoden.
AnadolescentgonewrongsinceIwasthirteen.Addictedto“Mary,”I’madopefiend.
Lockedupnowtryingtochangemyways.SoIcanlivelifewithsomebetterdays.
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44 FallenAngels FallenAngels 45
AmandaR.
IWant
Iwantsomecottoncandywithastrawberrylollipop.Iwantallflavoredicecreamwithacherryontop.Iwantsomecookieswithchocolatecake,andthisiswhatI’mcraving.IfonlyIcouldhaveitnow,wouldn’tthatbeamazing.HowaboutabananasplitwithsweetJellointhemiddle.Whycan’tsomestaffjusthookmeup,ifnotalotatleastalittle.IalsowantsometeriyakichickenWithaneggrollandsomerice.IwantalargepizzawithParmesancheeseandextraspice.Iwantenchiladaswithextracheeseontop.WithanextralargeBigRedsodapop.IwantatacofromRolando’sCausethey’regoodandthey’restuffed.Eatingallthiswillneverbeenough.WantingandwantingisallIcando,Hopingyou’llseewhatpregnancycandotoyou.
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46 FallenAngels FallenAngels 47
AmandaR.
WasMe
AsIsitherefeelinglonelywithoutasmileonmyfaceIcanfeelmyheartbeatdrummingataverysoftpace.Ithenlookoutmywindowandseethesoftdropsofrain.Everydropthatfallsremindsmeofmypain.IhurtinsideforthethingsthatIhavedone.Nodoubtpaybackwillhitmehardercauseitfeelsithasjustbegun.IhadachoicetoturnmylifearoundanddowhatIthoughtbest.NowIhavetopaythepriceforfailingadrugtest.Ididn’tcarehowmuchIhurtmyfamilyevenifIcausedthempain.Ionlycaredaboutmyselfandtheheroinnotmissingthevein.InowrealizethechangesIcould’vemadeandthingsIcould’veaccomplished.IwishIhadthechancetochangethepastinsteadofbeingselfish.I’mslowlylearningtoforgiveandforgetwhichisthehardestthingtodo.ButwhenfacingrealityIrealizedandtoldmyselfthepersonwhoyouthoughtyouwereReallyisn’tyou.
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46 FallenAngels FallenAngels 47
SweetieSable Mireles
Age 15
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48 FallenAngels FallenAngels 49
JoshuaG.
Love
Loveissopainfulit’slikeaknifedeepinyoursoul.Lovecanreallyhurtandreallybreakyourheartforexamplesetyoubacktothestart.
Loveisafeelingthatshowsyoucarebuttheninasplitsecondit’sgoneinthinair.Loveisthatspecialfeelingyougetwhenyouknowyou’renotaloneandyoualwayshavesomeonetotalktoonthephone.
Loveiskindoflikeadrugandalsowhenyou’rethinkingthatyou’rethatbig-timethug.Thenittossesyououtlikeanoldbeat-uprug.
Lovecanalsomeanagreatthingespeciallywhentheyputonthatbigdiamondring.
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48 FallenAngels FallenAngels 49
LisaC.
FatalLove
WalkingaroundhidingmybruisesAndiftheywereseenIwouldjustmakeexcuses.Alwaysblackandbluefromheadtotoe,ButIwasjusttooscaredtoletanybodyknow.FlinchingeverytimeyougottoocloseIneverknewwhenyouweregoingtoexplode.Lyingeverytimeyouaskedmeforthetruth,IfyoufoundoutIknewwhatwouldyoudoIwouldscreamatnightcuzitwasyouIfeared,ButyouwouldtellmetoshutmymouthbecauseSomebodymighthear.MywholebodywouldhurtsomuchthatafterawhileIwouldbecomenumb.ButIthoughtthatwasthepriceIhadtopayIfIwantedtobeloved.
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50 FallenAngels FallenAngels 51
WendyG.
Home
ItseemssofarawayIfeelI’llnevermakeitthatwayTheselongroadshighandlow,Idon’tknowwhichwaytogo.
TherearedifferentroadsthatIcouldtakeButit’ssohardtochooseCauseI’mscareditmightbreakloose.
Homeseemssoclosetomenow,Allmyfamilyislike,“Wow!”AstheysitathomewonderinghowIgrewIalsowonderhowIdidittoo.
NowIlookatthisoneroadthatgotmyattentionAnditlookslikeit’llbemydestination.
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50 FallenAngels FallenAngels 51
Ohio Street BridgeMaryabeth Murphy
Age 14
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52 FallenAngels FallenAngels 53
Gabrielle
PastMySoul
ThereisnotasecondoftimethatgoesbythatIdon’tthinkaboutyourbeautifulface.ThememoriesthathauntmysoulandthepasttimesIcannoterase.You’vebeenthereformethroughitall,tohelpmeseeandnottofall.Youlovedmeunconditionally,yousawthroughmysoul,whenIcouldnotsee.Andforthat,eventhoughyou’renotherewithme,foreverinmyheartiswhereyou’llbe.
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52 FallenAngels FallenAngels 53
AlbertG.
NeverTrustGirls
Nevertrustgirlswitheyesofgray.Theykissyouonceandwalkaway.Nevertrustgirlswitheyesofgreen.Theykissyouonceandmakeyouscream.Nevertrustgirlswitheyesofbrown.Theykissyouonceandturnyoudown.Alwaystrustgirlswitheyesofblue.Theykissyouonceandaskfortwo.
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54 FallenAngels FallenAngels 55
D’OndraF.
Iamabee
Iamabee.Iamabeelookingfortheonlythingthatpleasesme.Iamabeehunting,searchingforthehoneytreeIneedtofeed.Iamabeefromajunglewhoissearchingforthatstickygoldensweetsubstancetosatisfymysoul.Iamabeethat’ssearching,looking,huntingtryingtofindthatLovelyhoneytreethatIneedtosurvivethiswildlife.IamabeethathassearchedforthishoneytreeandnowIfoundthistreethatwasrightinfrontofmyeyesforthewholetime.IamabeelookingforthethingIlovemostsearchinguntilIfoundthethingthatpleasesmysoulwhichisthehoneyfromthehoneytreethatInowsee.IamabeeflyingthroughthiscolorfuljungleworldwithtreessohightheyblocktheprettyskyandcolorfulflowersIseewhenIamflyingbyheadingformyhoneytree.IamabeehappyinmyhoneytreebecauseIhaveeverythingIneedtosatisfymysoul.
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54 FallenAngels FallenAngels 55
Stand AloneErica Garcia
Age 14
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56 FallenAngels FallenAngels 57
LisaD.
Whenyoucut,itmakesyoubleedWhenyouscream,you’reinneedWhenyouwant,greedcomesinfrontWhenyouspeak,yourwordsarebluntWhenyoucry,yourtearswillflyWhenyoulie,youstarttodenyButwhenyoubelieve,youwillberelievedBythepoweroffaithWhatwillbeengravedIsthatyouaresaved.
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56 FallenAngels FallenAngels 57
Window of Broken PromisesShandaMartinez
Age14
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58 FallenAngels FallenAngels 59
LisaD.
Brother
SittinginthistinylittleroomWishingIcouldjustseeyouMaybeyoudon’tevenhaveaclueHowmuchyoureallymeantomeI’mtellingyoutothemosthighestdegreeThinkingaboutthepastarememoriesthatwillAlwayslastJustforawhileIwillbeawayButsoonIwillbehometostayLoveisnotawordIusuallyscreamandshoutIonlysayittothepeopleItrulycareaboutYouaremyoneandonlybrotherBecauseofcoursewehavethesamemotherAdoptedatbirth,ThankGodforthisearth.Asdaysgoby,IwishIcouldcallyouJusttosayhi.AndnevereverwillIsaygoodbyeBecausemeandyouwillneverbeapartNoonecanseparateusbyheart.
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58 FallenAngels FallenAngels 59
LisaD.
MyPain...
AllmypainisdeepinsideInmyheartiswhereithidesSometimesyoucanseeitinmyeyesIthurtssobadandmakesmecryatnightMypainiswhatIneedtofightIdon’tknowifIwilleverbeallrightLockedupsurroundedbythesegatesAndbehindgraydoorsMakesithurtevenmoreSometimesIwonderaboutthispainAndwillitevergoaway?AllmypainthatI’vebeenthroughHasiteverhappenedtoyou?Maybesoormaybenot,Idon’tknow,Itwasjustathought.I’vebeenbeatendown,cursedtotheground,Overdosedanddiedalmost.Gunstomyhead,millionsoftearsshedAndhospitalizedinabed.BeforeIwenttoGodasmyguideIevenattemptedsuicide.Rapedthreetimesandcommittedatleastadozencrimes.ThroughallthosethingsIwasallaloneYetnowIfeelnakedBecauseallmypainhasbeenshown.
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60 FallenAngels FallenAngels 61
CrystalV.
Chemicals
Youhelpedmethroughlife,Andit’sstillhardformetoSwallowmypride.
Istillbelievedyingiseasy,Causelifeishard.IcouldhearyoutellingmetoLivelifetothefullest,Causeweonlyliveonce.
Butit’sonlyhardformeBecauseofwhereIgrewup.Gangsanddrive-bys,Andtheyoungdying.
Killingthemselvesbyintramuscularinjections,ButyetI’mtheonefeedingthemtheseSubstances.
Chemicalsflowingthroughone’sveinsAndbloodcellsdeadinthebrain.BlueRaggersandFlakeFlaggersBeatingeachotherwithbatsanddaggers.
Deadandburied6ft.deepintheground,NotabletohearasoundOfthesobbingandmourning.
Thefamilycrytears,WithnothingbuthatetocalmTheirfears.
Icouldhearitnow,It’saperfectsound,It’smyjefe’svoicetellingmetoHoldontotheend.
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Opposing ForcesNicolas Eblen
Age 14
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62 FallenAngels FallenAngels 63
AmandaR.
WhoAmI?
MypastdescribeswhatI’vebeenthroughAndothersmayseemedifferentlyButwithoutknowingwhoIamwithinTheywillneverknowtherealme.ManypromiseshavebeenbrokenandCarelessexpressionshavebeenchosen.AmIstrongenoughtoletthisgo,Thebadfeelingsandwordsthatwerespoken?IwashurtwhenheleftmeandHurtwhenhelied.IwashurtwithMixedemotionsandmypastwithdifferentsides.IfeelhatetowardthedrugAndtheguywhobroughtmedown.IfeelhatetowardmyselfforLettingthisbeallowed.I’vebeenhappyAndmadforthetimesthatI’vehad.BeingwhereIamtodayiswhatreallymakesmeglad.WhyatthistimeaboutmyselfIfeelconfused?IknowIamintelligent,havewhatittakes,Knowtherightthingstodo.WhydidIgothroughsuchsadnessatAveryyoungage.HopingagoodfeelingWillcomeandnotsuddenlyfade.Manythoughtsofmyselfalwayscometomind.WhoandwhatIamasapersontomeIsundefined.
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62 FallenAngels FallenAngels 63
LisaC.
MyHeartbeat...
Youweremyheartbeat,Theretokeepmealive.TheretohelpmethroughmystrugglesAndhelpmesurvive.AheartbeatissomethingNoonecanlivewithoutAndyouwerealwaystheretosavemeWhenIwasdrowninginself-doubt.YouhelpedmetogetthrougheachdayWithasmileonmyface.YouhelpedmetobestrongAndtaughtmetohavefaith.IwonderifyoueverknewHowhighlyIthoughtofyou.TomeyouweresobraveAndyouneverletanythinggetinyourway.Andwhenthingsgottough,Youneverletmegiveup.Thankyouforneverlettingmewelcomedefeat.Ilovedyoumorethananything...Youweremyheartbeat.
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64 FallenAngels FallenAngels 65
FrankT.
I’vebecome
I’vebeenlockedawayformonths,NowseeingwhatI’vebecome,RememberingwhereI’mfrom.I’mfromaneighborhoodWherenotmanykidsareuptogood,Notdoingwhatweshould.Wheretherearedrugsandgangs,Kidsdon’tcareiftheirliveshang,Alwayshearingthesoundbangbangbang.Aplacewherekidsjustreallydon’tcare,Wherelifereallyisn’tfair,Youcangetshotjustcauseyoustared,Justbeingthereisadare.Wherekidswastetheirlives,Joininggangssotheycansurvive,Causetheyreallydon’twanttodie,It’stakenme6monthsjusttorealizeThatI’mlivingthislife.
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Boot TracksAmanda Flores
Age 16
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66 FallenAngels FallenAngels 67
FrankT.
VisitingDay
Onlyseeingthemonceaweek,Wakingupfrommysleep,MyfamilyiswhatIseek.OvertonsofpeopleandtablesSeeingthemkeepsmestable,HowIwishthiswasafableThiscan’tbecapable,MebehindbarsForstealingcarsItookittoofarFarbeyondwhatIeverthought,CauseIthoughtIcouldn’tbecaught,ButIsitonvisitingday,ThinkingofhowIwanttostop.
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66 FallenAngels FallenAngels 67
Swinging Toward the FutureDesaray Elizondo
Age 17
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68 FallenAngels FallenAngels 69
LisaC.
Secrets
Youaskedmeaboutmysecrets,whattheywere,butIcan’ttelluexactly,onlythattheyhurt.Tokeep‘embottledupinside,theyleftmewithscarsthatIconstantlytry2hide.Idon’twantnobodytoknowofthethingsthatwenton,butIwilltelluthatthethingsthathappenedtomewerewrong.Inthebackofmymindthosedarksecretswillalwayshide.Maybeonedayifulookcloseenough,inmyeyesyou’llseethosesecretsifit’syouwhoItrust.
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68 FallenAngels FallenAngels 69
Raw QualityMorgan Duran
Age 17
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70 FallenAngels
RoyG.
Why?
Whydoestheearthrevolvearoundthesun?Whyismoneygreen?Whydopeoplekill?Whycan’tIseeGod?Whydopeoplehavetenfingers?Whydopeopleknowinglydohurtfulthings? Why?Why?Why?Whydopeopledie?Whyislifedifficult?Whyarepeoplehowtheyare?Whyismoneysoimportant?Whycan’tlifebeharmless?Whycan’twegetalong? Why?Why?Why?Whyaredrugsmade?Whyaregunsmade?Whydoesn’teveryonecare?Whydothesequestionsgounanswered?WhydoIhavesomany?Whydobadthingshappentogoodpeople?Whyisn’teveryoneequal?Whydosomekidshavebadparents?Whyisthereevil? Why?
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GEMINI INK is the only community-based center for literary arts and ideas in San Antonio and South Texas. During the past year, we served more than 3500 readers,
writers, and literary performance-goers representing a diverse sampling of our community’s population. Four programs currently serve our mission:
•Each spring and fall, the Autograph Series presents writers of national and international stature in a community-wide public program. Previous Autograph Series writers have included Annie Prouix, Margaret Atwood, Grace Paley, Tim
O’Brien, and Phil Levine.
•The University Without Walls (UWW) offers three semesters of workshops, classes, readings, and events led by recognized professional writers, as well as
artists and scholars whose work relates to writing.
•Dramatic Reader’s Theater (DRT) features professional actors interpreting literary works in a reading format, often accompanied by original music.
•Writers in Communities (WIC) sends professional writers with specialized teaching experience into a wide range of community settings to work alongside students of all ages, needs, interests and abilities. WIC writing workshops have
been offered in schools, justice settings, neighborhood community centers, and health care facilities, among many other venues. While in residence, WIC
writers help students create dynamic writing projects, often reflecting their own lives, that challenge, celebrate, inspire and enlighten. Most WIC residencies
culminate in the publication of an anthology of participants’ work and a celebratory public reading.
For more information, visit www.geminiink.org;or call 210.734-WORD (9673). Toll-free: 877.734-WORD (9673).
Student work has been edited as lightly as possiblein order to most closely honor the original voices.