Editing for Clarity

and Conciseness

Quality Control Team

Why is Clarity of utmost importance in writing?

We become effective only when we are clear.

Our reports can only become interesting if the findings and data are clearly explained.

We want to show our credibility and authority

as writers/analysts.

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Checkup Test: Identify what makes the following sentences unclear, and suggest how to improve the sentences for clarity

Fewer people stay away from large amusement parks on holidays.

Less attention is paid to commercials that lack human interest stories than to other kinds of commercials.

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Checkup Test: Identify what makes the following sentences unclear, and suggest how to improve the sentence for clarity

There are tweets congratulating Ita Buttrose for winning the Australian of the Year award.

Twitter – Australia is the channel with the most buzz as tweets congratulating Ita Buttrose, president of Alzheimer’s Australia who was named Australian of the Year.

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Checkup Test: Identify what makes the following sentences unclear, and suggest how to improve the sentence for clarity

The netizens had a discussion concerning the unaffordability of housing in Singapore.

Coach Espinoza was a brilliant strategist, a caring mentor, and a friend.

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What strategies can help

in improving sentence

clarity?

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1. Use a predictable and logical development mode

From macro to micro level

General Trend Brand Insights Product Insights

Industry perspective Brand Insights Product Insights

Examples:

(Macro trends) The spring trend that highlights mixing of neutral colors and

bright/neon hues garners various reactions from consumers. Younger netizens

consider the bright hues a positive addition in time for the season, while older

ones still want to stick to neutral shades for a natural look.

(Brand insight) Netizens regard Bobbi Brown products as investments, and most

choose to spend “a little more” for makeup products guaranteed to have better

quality. This stems from a fear of experiencing skin irritations that may be caused

by low-quality makeup items.

(Product insight) One of the most recurring concerns is related to removing and

concealing dark circles under the eyes. Bobbi Brown Corrector is recommended

for this purpose, alongside M•A•C Fast Response Cream, Tarte and Dr. Denese.

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2. Use appropriate transitional words

Transitional devices cue the readers on the relationship between sentences.

Examples: however, also, moreover, but, on the contrary, etc.

Examples

X “YOKA优点” generates the highest repost volume. The “瑞丽化妆品库”

attracts more reposters.

X “YOKA优点” generates the highest repost volume, while the “瑞丽化妆品库”

attracts more reposters.

“YOKA优点” generates the highest repost volume, but the “瑞丽化妆 品库”

attracts more reposters

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3. Be careful about the placement

of subordinate clauses

Improper placement of subordinate clause interrupts the flow of the sentence and causes confusion.

Examples

X La Mer buzz increased significantly by 291.25% due to promotional

campaigns, which were focused on its its new product, The Moisturizing Soft

Cream, on forums such as Yoka - La Mer Forum and 55bbs.com.

La Mer buzz increased significantly by 291.25% due to promotional campaigns on forums such as Yoka - La Mer Forum and 55bbs.com. The new product launched in the said forums was The Moisturizing Soft Cream.

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4. Prefer active over passive voice

Active voice is easier to understand.

Sentences in active voice are more concise.

Use passive voice only for certain purposes.

Examples

X On Oct 28, a review of 30 brands of lip balms was posted by a popular blogger

who often shares tips on beauty products on Sina blog .

A popular blogger who regularly shares tips on beauty products posted on Oct 28

a review of 30 brands of lip balms.

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5. Use parallel constructions

Parallel form = similar grammatical construction

Observe parallelism when you have a series of words, phrases or clauses in your sentence.

Examples

X The Helena Rubinstein Glitter Eye Pencil was said to be easy to use and with

many color selections.

The Helena Rubinstein Glitter Eye Pencil was said to be easy to use and to

have many color selections

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6. Avoid noun strings

A series of nouns is difficult to understand and affects clarity.

One way to avoid this is to change noun to verb.

Examples

X The netizens commented on the product information campaign

implementation that seemed “complicated”.

The netizens commented that the campaign on product information which the

company implemented was “complicated”.

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7. Avoid too much use of ‘nominalizations’

Nominalization = use of noun forms of verbs

Examples: conclusion, analysis, demonstration, implementation, collaboration, discontinuation

Use verbs when possible

Examples

X The collaboration between Biotherm and Clarisonic gains a significant number

of comments and shares.

X The discontinuation of membership among some consumers is due

to the increasing prices of membership fees.

Biotherm collaborated with Clarisonic in a campaign that gains a

significant number of comments and shares.

Some consumers discontinued membership because of the increasing prices of

fees. 13

8. Avoid multiple negatives

Use affirmative forms, rather than negatives

Multiple negatives are difficult to understand

Examples

X Aveda hair products were associated with speculations that the company tests

on animals and posts discouraged others to discontinue buying Aveda for this

reason.

(discouraged others to discontinue buying = to keep buying)

The netizens continued buying Aveda products despite speculations that

companies test products on animals.

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9. Choose action verbs, instead of be verbs

Instead of using be verbs, focus on actions you wish to express

Examples

X Some activities are focused on encouraging participants to share information

on their skin types, while a few are about the participants reactions to the

voice of the narrator in the newly launched television commercial of The

Moisturizing Cream.

The campaign encouraged participants to share information on their skin

types, and to give their reactions to the voice talent on the newly launched

television commercial of The Moisturizing Cream.

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10. Avoid unclear pronoun references

If possible, avoid the use of pronouns.

If using pronouns can’t be avoided, make sure there is no sudden shift in point of view, and that what you are referring to is clear.

Examples

X Users complained about the volatility of prices as they mentioned that in

Sephora you could get the foundation for €40 meanwhile in other stores like

Marvimundo and Juteco, the price was around €28 to €30.

In a discussion about the volatility of prices , users mentioned that in

Sephora, the foundation is sold for €40, but in other stores like

Marvimundo and Juteco, the foundation costs between €28 and €30.

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Answers

This sentence is confusing because of the double negative (fewer and stay away).

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Answers

Unclear (multiple negatives, passive)

Suggestion:

People pay more attention to commercials with human interest stories than to other kinds of commercials.

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Answers

Avoid the use of ‘there is’ or ‘there are’

Suggestion:

Twitter users congratulated Ita Buttrose for winning the Australian of the Year award.

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Answers

Avoid non-action words or be-verbs

Suggestion:

Twitter – Australia topped the channels as netizens congratulated Ita Buttrose for winning the Australian of the Year award.

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Answers

Avoid grammatical nominalizations A type of wordiness in which the writer uses both a noun

and a verb when the verb alone would do the trick.

Suggestion:

The netizens discussed the unaffordability of housing in Singapore.

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Answers

Observe parallelism

Suggestion:

Coach Espinoza was a brilliant strategist, a caring mentor, and a wise friend.

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Tips: Parallel structure

Form parallel structure with –ing forms or gerund

Form parallel structure with infinitive phrases.

Do NOT mix forms.

Mary likes hiking, swimming, and to ride a bicycle.

Mary likes hiking, swimming, and riding a bicycle.

Mary likes to go on a hike, to swim and to ride a bicycle.

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Use consistent verb tense

The teacher said that he was a poor student because he waited until the last minute to study for the exam, completed his lab problems in a careless manner, and his motivation was low.

Parallel: The teacher said that he was a poor student because he waited until the last minute to study for the exam, completed his lab problems in a careless manner, and lacked motivation.

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Tips: Parallel structure

Changing to another pattern or changing the voice of the verb (from active to passive or vice versa) will break the parallelism.

The Australians discussed the advantages of placing dementia patients in nursing homes, the importance of conducting research on dementia, and the behavioural changes.

Parallel: The Australians discussed the advantages of placing dementia patients in nursing homes, the importance of conducting research on dementia, and the value of understanding behavioural changes among dementia patients.

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Tips: Parallel structure

Be sure to keep all the elements in a list in the same form.

The dictionary can be used to find these: word meanings, pronunciations, correct spellings, and looking up irregular verbs.

Parallel: The dictionary can be used to find these: word meanings, pronunciations, correct spellings, and irregular verbs.

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Tips: Parallel structure

Skim your paper, pausing at the words "and" and "or." Check on each side of these words to see whether the items joined are parallel. If not, make them parallel.

If you have several items in a list, put them in a column to see if they are parallel.

Listen to the sound of the items in a list or the items being compared. Do you hear the same kinds of sounds? For example, is there a series of "-ing" words beginning each item? Or do your hear a rhythm being repeated? If something is breaking that rhythm or repetition of sound, check to see if it needs to be made parallel. Source

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Proofreading Strategies to help check Parallelism:

Exercises: Parallel structure

The production manager was asked to write his report quickly, accurately, and in a detailed manner.

The coach told the players that they should get a lot of sleep, that they should not eat too much, and to do some warm-up exercises before the game.

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Exercises: Parallel structure

The salesman expected that he would present his product at the meeting, that there would be time for him to show his slide presentation, and that questions would be asked by prospective buyers.

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How can we achieve

conciseness?

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What is concise writing?

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Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should

have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in

outline, but that every word tell.

— William Strunk Jr. in Elements of Style

What is concise writing?

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Beware of the following: And Consider the…

REDUNDANCY LEAN/CONCISE VERSION

12 midnight Midnight

12 noon Noon

3 am in the morning 3 am

Absolutely spectacular/phenomenal Spectacular/phenomenal

A person who is honest An honest person

Biography of her life Biography

Circle around Circle

End result Result

In spite of the fact that Although

One and the same The same

New innovations Innovations

Surrounding circumstances Circumstances

Tips in achieving conciseness

Avoid redundancy. Omit repetitive wording.

Delete unnecessary intensifiers, e.g. really, very, quite, extremely, etc.

Omit verbal deadwoods

Delete over-explanations

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Tips in achieving conciseness

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Tips in achieving conciseness

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Tips in achieving conciseness

Replace several vague words with more powerful and specific words.

Suzie believed but could not confirm that Billy had feelings of affection for her. [14 words]

Suzie assumed that Billy adored her. [6 words]

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Tips in achieving conciseness

Eliminate words that explain the obvious or provide excessive detail

The teacher demonstrated some of the various ways and methods for cutting words from my essay that I had written for class. [22]

The teacher demonstrated methods for cutting words from my essay.[10]

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Tips in achieving conciseness

Eliminate unnecessary determiners and modifiers

Completing the tasks by Friday is an impossibility without some kind of extra help. [14]

Completing the tasks by Friday is impossible without extra help.[10]

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Tips in achieving conciseness

Omit redundant pairs and redundant categories

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past memories

various differences

each individual _______

basic fundamentals

true facts

important essentials

future plans

terrible tragedy

end result

final outcome

free gift

past history

unexpected surprise

sudden crisis

Redundant

pairs

large in size

often times

of a bright color

heavy in weight

period in time

round in shape

at an early time

economics field

of cheap quality

honest in character

of an uncertain condition

in a confused state

unusual in nature

extreme in degree

of a strange type

Redundant

categories

Tips in achieving conciseness

Combine Sentences.

The supposed crash of a UFO in Roswell, New Mexico aroused interest in extraterrestrial life. This crash is rumored to have occurred in 1947. [24]

The supposed 1947 crash of a UFO in Roswell, New Mexico aroused interest in extraterrestrial life.[16]

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Tips in achieving conciseness

Examples

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Draft Edited

A thread starter at the HardwareZone Forums initiated a thread by reporting a supposed gas leak in a train travelling between Jurong East and Clementi. [# of words: 25]

Netizens reported a gas leak in a train between Jurong East and Clementi. [13]

A netizen started a thread asking people what they thought of the country’s MRT and public transport system. Most netizens commented about the MRT, complaining that it was slow and overcrowded. [18, 13]

Most netizens complained that the MRT was slow and overcrowded. [10]

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Draft Edited

Our Web site has made available many of the things you can use for making a decision on the best dentist.

answers

Working as a pupil under someone who develops photos was an experience that really helped me learn a lot.

The microscope revealed a group of organisms that were round in shape and peculiar in nature.

Exercises: Rewrite the following for clarity and conciseness

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Draft Edited

Before the travel agent was completely able to finish explaining the various differences among all of the many very unique vacation packages his travel agency was offering, the customer changed her future plans.

answer

Imagine a mental picture of someone engaged in the intellectual activity of trying to learn what the rules are for how to play the game of chess.

The supply manager considered the correcting typewriter an unneeded luxury.

Exercises: Rewrite the following for clarity and conciseness

Answers

Our website presents criteria for

determining the best dentist.

Working as a photo technician's

apprentice was an educational

experience.

The microscope revealed a group

of peculiar, round organisms.

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Answers

The customer changed her plans

before the travel agent had finished

explaining the differences among the

vacation packages.

Imagine someone trying to learn the

rules of chess.

The supply manager considered the

correcting typewriter a luxury.

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References

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Improving Sentence Clarity. Purdue Online Writing Lab. Available: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/600/1/

Parallel Form. Capital Community College Foundation. Available: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/parallelism.htm

Strunk Jr., W & White, E.B. The Elements of Style. Available: https://www.dropbox.com/s/7uu334v2kk9gny8/The-Elements-Of-Style-Strunk-White-4Th-Edition.pdf

Wheeler, Kip. Grammatical Nominalization. Carson-Newman University. Available: http://web.cn.edu/kwheeler/gram_nominalization.html

Thank you!

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