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Conversational Styles: Men and Women
Communication between men and women can be like cross cultural communication, prey to a clash of conversational styles.
Deborah Tannen (1990)
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Women’s conversational styles
Men’s conversational styles
Conversational styles in relationships
OVERVIEW
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Establish and maintain relationshipsConversation is an
essential part of a relationship
Share and learn about others
GOALS of WOMEN’S SPEECH
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Show equality Show support Include others Tell about themselves Are tentative
FEATURES of WOMEN’S SPEECH
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Show equality by matching experiences“You’re not alone in
how you feel.”“I’ve done the same
thing many times.”
EQUALITY
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Women respond and build on each other’s ideasRather than “you-tell-your-idea-then-I’ll-
tell-mine,” voices weave together to create conversations.
Make others feel valued
SHOW SUPPORT
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Understand the other person’s feelings“Tell me about what happened.”“How did you feel when it occurred?”“Do you think it was deliberate?”
Express sympathy“Oh, you must feel terrible.”“I think you did the right thing.”“I really hear what you are saying.”
SHOW SUPPORT
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Make others feel valued and included Women often start topics for others
“How was your day”“Tell me about your meeting”“Did anything interesting happen on
your trip”
INCLUDE SPEAKING PARTNERS
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TALK ABOUT THEMSELVES
Stories about themselves
Share experiences about themselves
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Verbal Hedges “I kind of feel you may be overreacting”“I’m not the best judge of this, but...”
Use tag questions that invite responses“That was a pretty good movie, wasn’t
it?”“We should get out this weekend, don’t
you think?”
TENTATIVE
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MEN’S SPEECH
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Achieve goalsSolve a problemWin an argument Make someone
laughGet information
Improve status.
GOALS of MEN’S SPEECH
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Show off Speak in general
terms Are less
responsive Talk assertively Dominate
conversations
FEATURES of MEN’S SPEECH
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SHOW OFF
Knowledge Ability Skills
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Offer few concrete experiences and personal feelings
Talk less about themselves Talking about personal problems shows that
you are weak
SPEAK in GENERAL TERMS
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Use more “minimal response cues”Yeah, uh-uh, hmm,
etc. Show less
sympathy Sympathy is a way
of looking down on someone
ARE LESS RESPONSIVE
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TALK ASSERTIVELY
Direct & forceful Advice is what you
should do Men use fewer
hedges
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DOMINATE CONVERSATIONS
Talk more than women Talk more frequently Talk longer Select the topic of
conversation Interrupt (stop other
people from talking) more
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RELATIONSHIPS
WOMEN A relationship is
going fine if there is talk
Talk is a process to support a relationship
Talk is a way to show closeness
“We need to talk,” shows that we care about each other
MEN A relationship is
going fine if there is no need to talk
Talk is to solve relationship problems
Talk indicates a problem
“We need to talk” is a signal to run away.