Download - Cardozo FL Report
AN INTRO TO
Avoiding an UGLY
Divorce
Navigating the Pennsylvania Family Court System
WITHOUT Sacrificing your Sanity
Cathy Cardozo
The Law Offices of Catherine Cardozo LLC
1147 Easton Road
Abington, PA 19001
TABLE OF
CONTENTS Introduction
Why Did I Write This Book?
Why Should I Listen to You?
Chapter 1 The Five Essential Tips For Avoiding an
Ugly Divorce
Tip #1: Honesty As The Best Policy
Tip #2: Save Your Sanity!
Tip #3: The Rules of The Game
Tip #4: Taking the Road Less Travelled
Tip #5: The Most Important Rule Of All
Chapter 2 Myths About Family Law Cases
Chapter 3 Do You Really Need an Attorney?
Chapter 4 What Should An Experienced Family Law
attorney Do for You?
Chapter 5 How an Experienced Family Law Attorney
Serves You
Chapter 6 A Word on Meaningless Legal Advertising:
Deconstructing The Average Legal Advertisement
Chapter 7 Our Ideal Clients
Chapter 8 Working With Cathy
About The Author
2
INTRODUCTION
“Start By Doing What Is Necessary; Then Do What Is Possible;
And Suddenly You Are Doing The Impossible”
~ St. Francis of Assisi
WHY DID I WRITE THIS
BOOK? Divorce Sucks
There is no other way to put it. Next to the death of a loved one, or being
diagnosed with a terminal illness, coping with a divorce is one of the most painful
processes you can endure. Regardless of how long you have been married, you
suddenly find yourself having to completely redo your identity; completely
revision your future; and likely make some gigantic adjustments to your current
way of life. Even when divorce is the best thing that could have happened to your
marriage, it is a time of tremendous change and uncertainty. It also brings
opinions out of the woodwork. Friends and family who have probably never
successfully represented someone else in a courtroom will offer you all sorts of
suggestions on exactly what your attorney should be doing or should not doing in
your situation!
Getting a divorce is a difficult and stressful transition for anyone. Each individual
in the relationship must reformulate the plan for their ideal future - while at the
same time contending with whatever stage of the grief process they are in. When
children are involved, the burden and stress of each decision increases and the
consequences of every decision are compounded and amplified. This creates
circumstances that cause great anxiety and stress and causes many decisions to
seem overwhelmingly impossible to resolve.
Most clients come to my office mentally exhausted. They are overwhelmed and
overloaded with information coming at them from every direction. My hope is
that this book will provide a way to clean the mental clutter so you can really
assess what your situation is right now, where you want this crazy journey called
life to take you and what we can do to put you on exactly the right path for you to
get you there. 4
“WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?”
I credit my social work background with being able to step back and see the big
picture without judging or blaming. It is incredibly hard, when in the midst of
emotional turmoil, to try to think through the long-term consequences of
decisions you make about your divorce. My job is to do exactly that; to help you
think through each decision that you need to make, and to help you understand
how to make the best decisions for your needs based on the limits of the law.
And trust me I’ve heard it all. I had one client who was convinced the
government had planted a chip in his head; there is nothing you are going to
share with me that I have not heard from at least one other client before you.
I also love working with people. I actually never intended to be a lawyer. I
wasn’t one of those kids who liked dressing up in black robes and holding mock
trials. I majored in social work in school. I became involved with the law when I
took a job as a paralegal. After being a paralegal for over a decade, I discovered
that I loved what I did, but that I really wanted the opportunity to be involved
with my clients on a much deeper level. I couldn’t help with day-to-day
problems like unclogging a toilet, but I wanted to see them through their crisis
from start to finish. I despised seeing a client only once or twice and then
watching them go on their way. (I will always prefer working with fewer clients
and being able to get to know them and their situation in depth to having a
large quantity of clients with whom I only have a surface relationship.) And
frankly I figured I was just as smart as the lawyers I was working for as a
paralegal so I decided to go back to school to get my law degree.
5
I really want to be a partner with you in this process. I have worked with plenty
of clients who have essentially given me free rein, but I genuinely prefer those
people who want to be involved in the process. I’ve known too many people who
have come out a court proceeding and have zero idea what was decided, or why
it was decided, or what it means for them, or what happens next. I want to make
sure that if we are in court, you know why. If we are filing papers, I want you to
understand what they say and what we are hoping to achieve. And if something
does not go the way we hope I want you to be in a position where we can have
an honest discussion about why we got the result we did. This is your divorce
and I want you to feel that you have as much control as possible.
Most importantly I am always going to be very honest with you. Even when the
news isn't great because - after everything else you have been through recently -
you deserve the respect of an honest answer. That being said, even when the
news is less than ideal, my primary goal is to work with you to develop a good
and workable solution for you. A lot of what I do is telling people what to expect
and bringing their expectations in line with reality.
For example many people assume that in a custody battle primary custody
almost always goes to the mother. Here in Montgomery County that is not the
case. Unless there is an extremely compelling reason (such as a breast-fed
infant or a clinically diagnosed mentally ill parent), the court starts with the
assumption that custody should be 50/50. So if you are someone going through
a divorce and have children, we will spend as much time as needed figuring out
a custody arrangement that takes into consideration the best interests of
everyone.
6
CHAPTER
1 The Five Essential Tips For Avoiding an Ugly
Divorce
TIP #1:
HONESTY AS THE BEST POLICY
Contrary to all the jokes about lawyers, a good family attorney really does have
your best interest at heart. She genuinely wants to be your advocate and to ensure
that she helps you create the best, new, future possible. The only way that your
lawyer can help make this happen however is if you are completely honest. Failing
to disclose all assets and information can end up costing you more money, more
stress and more time that could be spent creating the best future possible for
yourself. Even if you think something may be insignificant it is important to tell
your attorney everything you can think of that will better inform them about the
stakes in your case.
It is also wise to remember that what is insignificant to one person is often
significant to another (maybe your ex has a weird collection of taxidermy squirrels
wearing Victorian era clothes or antique fishing poles that you have absolutely no
interest in that can be used as leverage in obtaining something you would like to
get in the settlement). If there is something you truly have a connection to -
knowing that helps your attorney really focus their efforts on the most meaningful
things for you.
Failing to disclose all relevant financial and asset information is this biggest area
where honesty is ABSOLUTELY necessary. Without it your attorney is not able to
thoroughly develop a strategy to really advocate for an optimal outcome for you.
One of the most important roles of your family law attorney will be to work with
you to develop a strategy (and a backup plan if necessary) that utilizes all of the
facts of your situation and how the laws will apply to your unique situation. This
gives you the best settlement possible and a more accurate best/worst-case-
scenario so you can sleep better at night knowing the person you've selected to be
your advocate is operating with the best information possible. 8
Almost without fail, "hidden" information gets uncovered during divorce
proceedings. The other side may be more aware of assets than you realize or
their attorney may have done an expert job accounting for every last cent of
your income and expenses as a marital couple and when they bring up
something in court that your attorney has no knowledge of it immediately
causes you as the client lose credibility and decreases the likelihood of you
obtaining a satisfactory outcome from the divorce. For example, I always put in
my property settlement agreement that if my client later discovers that his or
her ex hid an asset of a thousand dollars or more, than my client can go back to
court and revisit the agreement.
I am confident that I’m not the only lawyer who does this. People may think
“hey I’m saving in money in the short run by not telling my attorney about that
other bank account I have that my ex doesn’t know about so it won’t get
included as part of our assets,” only to have to go back and spend more money
on legal fees, plus pay a monetary sanction, when this ownership later comes to
light. It’s much simpler and cheaper to disclose everything at the outset.
9
TIP #1
HONESTY AS THE BEST POLICY
TIP #2:
SAVE YOUR SANITY!
Imagine you are sitting at your table and in front of you is a massive puzzle
you’ve had for as long as you can remember with 10,000 pieces (or so it seems)
The test of time has worn the box out. The image is faded and hard to discern.
Heck lets be honest… the only reason the box is a box and not flat as a pancake
is because it’s held together by rubber bands and a whole lot of tape. But inside
that box are 10,000 pieces of something real. And good. And amazingly
beautiful. Memories and dreams and goals that might have gathered a little dust
since they last saw the light of day - But all of them are there – waiting for you
to dust them off and examine them closely again. Pieces that give you purpose
and make you feel connected to yourself and the world again as you concentrate
intently on whether that speck of green on one small piece is an eye or a blade of
grass.
It’s a puzzle you know is going to take a long time to put back together, but you
plan to work on it five- maybe ten minutes at a time. A little on nights and a
little more on the weekend when the house is quiet and the kids are asleep.
You’ll have a week or two you miss when your youngest has the flu, your boss
has instated mandatory overtime and your oldest is stressing out over going to
the prom or college. There will be a lot of memory searching and concentration
but you’re pretty sure you can remember how to restore it to its former glory.
You think to yourself that maybe when you finish it you’ll take a new picture of
it and firmly tape it to the outside of the box so the world knows again what
amazing contents are inside and by adding that tape and paper that you have
lovingly printed out you have made the box stronger and more resilient.
10
Reaching that point in your life where you wake up every day feeling good and
recognizing the power and capacity of your own strength, dedication and
persistence in becoming the best person you can for you can take a long time
and is a is a tough tough process – especially if you’re going it alone. Getting
the help you deserve will help you get all the pieces back together again MUCH
quicker than if you tried to go it alone. Your divorce lawyer and a trusted
therapist can team up to work with you to get the pieces in place a lot quicker.
The eagle eye of your attorney will spot all the edges of the puzzle and have
them together before you can blink an eye and a good therapist will be able to
point out that maybe that bunch of oddly colored pieces that you can’t swore
was a might just be something else that you had forgotten was even in the
picture.
A therapist can also provide your children with a place to work through all of
their own feelings about their parents divorce. Sometimes it’s hard for a parent
to step back from the feelings their child is having and understand that those
feelings are not a reflection of their love or devotion to you as a parent, but are a
part of the natural emotional processing that has to occur for them to move
forward in the healthiest way possible.
Divorces bring out extremes of emotions you never even envisioned that feel
like a roller coaster that seemingly never ends. You will have days where you
don’t want to get out of bed or times when you cannot stop crying. You might
even have extreme revenge fantasies; you may experience anger so intense it
scares you.
11
TIP #2
SAVE YOUR SANITY!
The good news is that you (probably) aren’t crazy. You just need a good
therapist who will allow you to work through your emotions in a safe and
healthy way. He or she will also help you develop lasting coping strategies for
dealing with the intense changes in your life.
There are a lot of great therapists in our community that can help you with all of
the emotions that you are working through. As an experienced divorce attorney
MANY of my clients have utilized therapists to help process the anger and fear
and depression that occur during a divorce settlement. Many of my former
clients who have come out the other side of their divorces successfully and
happier than they ever dreamed they would have done so with the help of an
experienced therapist. Connecting you with one of the wonderful adult, child or
family therapists in the Abington, PA area is something I am always happy to
help my clients with. The American Psychological Association provides an
online therapist locater, (http://locator.apa.org/) which can also help you find
someone in your area.
You are, of course, always welcome to share all of your thoughts and feelings
with me; just remember that I’m a very expensive therapist and a lot less
effective and experienced at helping you navigate the emotional side of things.
As for the legal side… That’s a piece of cake
12
TIP #2
SAVE YOUR SANITY!
TIP #3:
THE RULES OF THE GAME At some point during every divorce proceeding, the court is going to give an
order that is not in your favor, that you do not like, or that you simply feel is
unfair. And it is going to be extremely tempting to simply ignore the court's
orders. For example a court may order you to work with your ex to put your
house up for sale, demand that the car you bought together be given to your ex,
or may ask you to attend family counseling or parenting classes for your
children. Failure to comply with a court order is called contempt; and courts
take this extremely seriously. Refusing to comply only prolongs the divorce
process. At worst your refusal can land you in jail.
If you fail to follow through on a court order, opposing council will go back in
front of the judge to ask for sanctions to force you to comply. Failing to pay
child-support is probably the most well-know example of non-compliance. In
one case, upon hearing of failure to pay child support for 10 months, the judge
ordered that support to be paid within 30 days or the parent would face jail
time. Not only did the offender have to pony up a lump sum of several thousand
dollars, they also had to pay thousands of dollars in attorneys fees – for both
their own attorney and the attorney fees of their ex. And that’s just one
example.
A judge, upon hearing that a parent has been denied visitation rights, may
order additional visitation to make up for lost time; he or she may impose a fine
as a penalty; and jail time is always a possibility. It is also extremely likely that
you will be ordered to pay the attorney fees incurred by your ex for having to
seek legal means to force your compliance.
13
So even if your ex is acting like a complete waste of oxygen and failing to follow
every ruling handed down by the court, when every friend you have is urging
you to simply ignore an "unfair" ruling, remember that we can always work to
fight against a truly unfair ruling. In the short run however the cheapest
solution, and the one guaranteed to keep you out of jail, is to follow the court's
orders.
14
TIP #3
THE RULES OF THE GAME
TIP #4: TAKING
THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED
This is THE HARDEST piece of advice for clients to follow and it is a
continuation of Tip #3. As you go through your divorce there are going to be
plenty of times when all you want to do is scream; or slam the door on your ex
and their new trophy girlfriend/boyfriend when they drop the kids off (who are
conveniently overloaded on sugar and caffeine every time they come home and
haven’t even begun working on their homework even though it’s 9:00 on a
Sunday night). You will want to refuse to be cooperative when your ex asks to
switch visitation nights or holidays; and are temped to bake ex-lax laced
brownies for their birthday. (Trust me. I’ve heard some pretty out-there ex-
spouse revenge tales!)
When your ex says they will be there Friday night at 5:00 to pick the
kids up and the kids are still waiting on the couch with bags packed
at 5:30 brace yourself for some serious High Road Travelling.
At 6:00 the kids will shed their coats because it’s getting a little too warm to be
inside with a coat on
By 7:00 the shoes are off and they are getting lost in whatever their favorite TV
show or video game is to divert their attention from thinking about what is
going on.
At 8:00 they will start nodding off, but resist going to bed because “they
promised they would pick me up tonight!”.
15
TIP #4: TAKING
THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED
The whole time this is going on you are texting your ex furiously and leaving
voicemails to find out where they are and when they are going to be there. Your
heart aches for your child because they might genuinely just wish for things to
go back to the way they used to be and you know that is not an option.
While it may not feel like it right now, the best thing you can do for yourself and
for your family is to take the high road. This is the time to NOT SAY ONE BAD
WORD ABOUT THE OTHER PARENT, order some pizza, find a good Netflix
movie you have all been wanting to watch and make some popcorn (or grab that
cookie dough and a couple spoons!). Or you can throw an impromptu camping
trip in the backyard or build an indoor fort out of the couch cushions with
them! Whatever your plans were for a night without the kids should go on the
backburner in an effort to make the best of a crappy situation.
Trust me - It will be therapeutic for you and your kids and as you fall asleep that
night you will secretly be able to give yourself a Superstar Parent Of the Day
award knowing that you were able to rise above a crappy situation and make
your child’s disappointment as bearable as possible. Caving to the urge to be
negative only results in kids that grow up remembering how angry everyone was
after the divorce. Making lemonade out of lemons creates lasting memories of
all the times you really came through for them when they were having a tough
day.
16
Taking the high road means biting your lip and not saying to your child what a
horrible parent the other parent is even though in your heart of hearts you know
that parenting just isn’t a priority for them. Trust me on this – if you ex truly
has zero desire to be a real parent to your child you will never need to tell this
to your child. They will figure it out on their own and will respect you more for
letting them have the dignity and space to understand this really harsh reality
on their own.
Being the person that complies with the court’s orders even when your ex is
refusing to comply with a single request is taking the high road and it can also
win you favor with a judge when the circumstances are such that you just need a
little bit of something to tip the scales of justice in your favor.
When you’re travelling on the high road you are not plastering your Facebook
page or blog with status updates about how mean and petty your ex really is or
how much their new partner is a spouse-stealer and a trashy human being with
the morals and ethics of a slug – even though you have an awful lot of friends
who would rally to your support. After a while that social shaming and nastiness
that people are so quick to share on social media becomes a double edged sword
and people begin to look at you differently. They think – holy cow… if this
person is so filled with resentment and hatred, and is so determined to try to
ruin this other person’s life I can only imagine how miserable living with them
must have been. I’m pretty sure that sympathy for the devil is the last reaction
you want to create among your friends and family and the only way to
guarantee that won’t happen is….
17
TIP #4
TAKING THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED
You guessed it – The High Road!
The good thing is that it is NEVER to late to start taking the High Road! If you
haven’t been taking the high road expect the transition to be VERY challenging.
Your ex KNOWS what your hot buttons are and many of them WILL push that
button (repeatedly) if they think they can benefit themselves or their situation
by doing so.
If you find yourself struggling each day to take the High Road here’s a little life-
hack that might help get you through each day until living the High Road is just
something you do and everyone around you knows it. (When the ex and
everyone else around you has realized they can push that hot button all they
want and they aren’t going to get anything from you but a calm, focused,
confident high road response you know you have reached the coveted Master
High Road Navigator status!) Put a rubber band on your wrist. Every time you
are tempted to take the low road give yourself a quick snap of the rubber band.
You really do have to do it every time. If you need help with accountability tell
your kids what it is for and they will be happy to help you when you slip up! I
promise, after a while your instinctive responses will be high road choices and
you will be an incredible example to your children on how not to sweat the
small stuff. A little pain now will pay you back tenfold in rewards down the
road.
18
TIP #4
TAKING THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED
TIP #5: THE MOST IMPORTANT
RULE OF ALL
Studies have shown how well children adjust to a divorce is incredibly
dependent on how much conflict they are exposed to during the divorce
process. Children who have parents who minimize their exposure to conflict,
are allowed to keep steady contact with both parents (assuming that both
parents are stable and fit guardians), and see their parents present a united
front as far their wellbeing is concerned, appear as healthy and well-adjusted
within two years of the divorce as their peers of non-divorced parents.
On the flip side, allowing your children constantly hear you badmouth your ex
(even if they overhear phone conversations between you and your best friend),
witness ongoing heated arguments, or constantly forbidding them to see their
other parent is extremely detrimental to their psychological and neurological
development.
While divorce is incredibly hard on the adults, it is equally hard, if not harder,
on children. For many children a divorce between their parents comes as a total
shock. Especially if they were not aware that their parents were having marital
problems. Children whose needs are not properly met during a divorce are at
higher risk for emotional problems such as anxiety and depression, and for
behavioral problems ranging from acting out at school to drug use.
19
I know it takes tremendous energy and concentration to be a parent. And I know
it takes a toll on your physical and emotional energy to cope with a divorce. There
are going to be plenty of times where you feel as if you can barely cope with your
own feelings, let alone those of your child. That is the main reason I so strongly
recommend finding a therapist for you and your child(ren). A therapist will
provide everyone with a safe place to work through the fear, hurt, and anger and
sometimes even relief, that comes with a divorce.
It is also critical that you minimize your children’s exposure to any conflict
between you and your ex during the divorce process. Allowing your children
constantly hear you badmouth your ex (even if they overhear phone
conversations between you and your best friend), witness ongoing heated
arguments, or constantly forbidding them to see their other parent is extremely
detrimental to their psychological and neurological development. Study after
study has found that when children are shielded from this conflict, they come
through divorce relatively unscathed. And within two years of their parents
divorce, most children appear as healthy and well-adjusted as their peers of non-
divorced parents.
Children also do best when they maintain a relationship with both parents. I
know it’s incredibly tempting to punish your ex by not denying him or her time
with the kids. It’s so easy to “forget” to mention upcoming soccer games and
dance recitals. Always remember that doing so only harms your child. Younger
children especially won’t understand why they suddenly cannot see both parents
on a daily basis. Being allowed to have consistent, ongoing contact with both
parents reassures children that their world is safe, and they are loved.
20
TIP #5
THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF ALL!
Keep this information in mind as you work through the divorce negotiations.
You may feel entitled to primary custody, but your children love that it’s their
dad who takes them for pizza on Friday night. You may want to take your ex for
everything she has, but how will you explain to your children why mom had to
move to a different town (with a lower cost of living) and they don’t get to see
her very often? You may want to be cold and rude to your ex’s
girlfriend/boyfriend when she/he answers the door when you drop the kids off.
Remember that your children are looking to you for guidance and that they will
imitate your actions. Seeing you upset and angry about situations they cannot
understand will make them withdrawn and frightened. Seeing you polite and
able to hold a two minute conversation, gives your children permission to begin
figuring out how to adjust to this new world.
21
TIP #5
THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF ALL!
CHAPTER
2 FAMILY LAW MYTHS
23
MYTH: IT’S A BAD THING IF YOUR LAWYER ASSOCIATES
WITH “THE OTHER SIDE”
TRUTH: A lot of people going through a divorce experience tremendous anger
toward their soon to be ex-partner. Those feelings are completely normal and
healthy. However, many people also expect their lawyer to be equally upset and
angry. They would really like their lawyer to do everything he or she can to
clobber their partner’s lawyer and they believe that, if the lawyers are friends, or
run in similar social circles, or have kids that go to the same preschool, the lawyer
won’t be as good an advocate because they won’t want to go up against a friend.
In reality, a good lawyer is someone who will be able to keep her emotions
separate from the facts of your case. While being angry (or at least giving the
appearance of being angry) may be a useful weapon for your lawyer at various
times, she will serve you much better in the long run if she can keep her feelings
about your divorce separate from the divorce process. Also there is a very good
chance that is not the first time he or she has gone “up against a friend” in the
legal process. Each lawyer will recognize that the other person is focused on doing
his or her job to the best of his or her ability, and that it’s not personal.
MYTH: MY EX LIVES WITH THEIR
GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND AND SHOULDN’T BE
GRANTED
CUSTODY/VISITATION
TRUTH: Pennsylvania law is extremely focused on ensuring that children live in
situations where they will be safe and taken care of. When custody is being
determined, the background of every single person living in the house in which
the child will reside is examined. The court wants to know about these people’s
criminal history, drug history, any history of mental treatment and a host of other
items. Those histories are what will be important to the judge, not how long your
ex-spouse has been living with his or her new partner or whether you like that
person.
24
MYTH: YOUR LAWYER WILL GET A BETTER RESULT
IF SHE KNOWS THE JUDGE
TRUTH: If this were the case every lawyer in town would be doing everything
possible to spend lots and lots of social time with the family law
judges. Unfortunately knowing or not knowing a judge has no impact on the
outcome of a case. Whether or not the lawyer has a personal relationship with
him has no effect on what a judge takes into consideration when making their
rulings and, in fact, if your attorney knows the judge too well personally the judge
will remove himself from the case and have it heard by another judge in order to
prevent potential conflicts of interest that may actually hurt the clients case more
than helps it.
MYTH: I WORKED HARD FOR MY PENSION
I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO SHARE IT WITH MY EX
TRUTH: Absolutely no one questions that you worked hard for your
pension. Unfortunately in the law’s eyes your pension is marital property which
means you and your ex-spouse are entitled to it jointly. There are exceptions and
your attorney can help determine if your situation qualifies as an exception. That
being said, there are options if you want to have exclusive rights to your hard
earned cash. The first step is to get your pension valued – and for that we work
with an actuary who can help us determine the full value of your pension. Once
the value is known, you can offer your ex-spouse something of similar value that
is also joint property.
For instance if the house has a high enough value, you might allow your ex-
spouse to keep the house and you keep your pension in full. That’s just one
example. Realistically, and this is the part that no one likes to hear, some
compromises are going to have to take place.
25
MYTH: MOMS ARE ALWAYS GIVEN PRIMARY CUSTODY
OF THE KIDS.
FACT: This statement is especially untrue here in Montgomery County. Family
court starts with the assumption that custody is going to be shared 50/50 and it’s
up to the lawyers to convince the court otherwise. There are extenuating
circumstances of course. A judge is not likely to automatically grant 50/50
custody to an infant who is exclusively being breast-fed. But the judges here like
to ensure that if the dad wants to be involved, he gets a fair shot.
I had the opportunity to represent a dad who wanted to shared custody with his
ex-wife. Prior to our going to court his wife had primary custody of their kids. He
was a dad who had moved into a house that had plenty of room for the kids, he
lived close by, and he wanted to stay involved in their academic and social
lives. The judge granted his request for 50/50 custody.
Assuming that both parents are stable (e.g. one parent is not an alcoholic or has
severe psychological problems), research has shown that kids fare much better
when they continue to have steady contact with both parents. In fact studies have
shown that children of divorced parents who have steady, on-going contact with
both parents have fewer behavioral and emotional problems, higher self-esteem,
better family relationships, and do better in school than children in single custody
situations. And believe it or not joint custody may benefit you as well; divorced
parents with joint custody tend to experience fewer conflicts.
And being a single parent is incredibly hard work. If your ex-spouse is a good
parent, has a solid relationship with his children, and wants to be involved in
their lives, letting him have joint custody can actually take a tremendous burden
off of you by giving you some space and time.
CHAPTER
3
DO YOU REALLY NEED AN ATTORNEY?
27
While it is possible to pursue a divorce, custody or visitation modification
without an attorney to represent you, legal issues involving family and children
can often get heated very quickly. An experienced family law attorney can warn
you about potential complications that often occur to better prepare you to
respond to those events should they occur in your situation as well.
During a divorce, emotions run incredibly high. Even if the divorce is
“amicable,” the parties involved are bound to run the gamut of emotion from
anger to grief and everything in between. Trying to sort out the complexities of
family law is difficult at the best of times, but a time when emotions are running
high, futures are being rethought, money is at stake, and children are involved it
can become an almost insurmountable task. A family lawyer can take you step-
by-step through the process and help you figure out what you legally entitled to.
Failing to consult a lawyer, even when the divorce seems simple and
straightforward, can literally cost you thousands.
This is especially true if your soon-to-be ex-spouse has a lawyer and you don’t.
You may agree to terms that seem favorable only to realize months or years
down the road that you were entitled to more than you actually received. And by
that time it’s too late to do anything about it. A common mistake that I see is
that people don’t realize that the divorce complaint needs to specifically address
the distribution of property, retirement plans, cars, even household goods and
furnishings. A lot of people assume that the state will automatically just divide
everything 50/50 and that is almost never the case. Even a simple mistake like
forgetting to record a credit card debt or not giving thought to a future
inheritance can either greatly prolong the divorce process, or worse, leave you
financially destitute.
28
I consulted with one person who thought everything was covered, but there was
no mention of equitable distribution of property and this person was not
entitled to a piece of anything. The only time divorce can be quick and easy is
when two people live in an apartment that neither of them want, have no
income to speak of, have no retirement accounts, expect no inheritance of any
kind, own nothing of any particular value, and have no children.
There is also no guarantee that you and your ex-spouse will be able to work out
an agreement without help. During divorce negotiations, all of the problems
that contributed to your divorce are extremely likely to re-emerge; not to
mention that sitting down and having a rational conversation with your ex
about custody arrangements or who retains possession of the house is probably
the furthest thing from your thoughts. A competent lawyer will help you divorce
your emotions from fact, and allow the divorce process to proceed as smoothly
as possible.
Trying to file for divorce yourself can also really delay the divorce process. I
worked with one woman who was filing for divorce from her husband. Her
husband wanted to represent himself and the court sent his paperwork back.
Five times. So everything got prolonged and dragged out.
Hiring a lawyer can also benefit your children. Custody, child-support, and
spousal support are highly sensitive, emotionally charged subjects and conflict
is bound to arise. Study after study after study has shown that the less children
are exposed to these conflicts, the better off they are in the long run. So let the
lawyers fight these battles. Once the dust has settled, you and your ex can
explain the plan to your children.
29
When you are facing a divorce you need to be in a place to take care of yourself
emotionally and physically. You need to make sure that you and your spouse are
available for your children, both physically and emotionally. You are going to
have a lot of questions about everything from your financial rights to working
out custody agreements. And most importantly you are going to need to start
thinking about what your new future is going to look like.
A good family lawyer will not only help you sift through the mire of the legal
system, but will also take on that incredibly critical job of being able to help you
step back and look at the big picture. For every client I have worked with, my
focus has been on not only looking at immediate issues, but helping my clients
understand the long term consequences and actions of things that maybe aren’t
so visible when you’re really upset or in the middle of a really emotional crisis.
CHAPTER
4 WHAT ANY
EXPERIENCED FAMILY LAW ATTORNEY
SHOULD DO FOR YOU
31
YOUR
FAMILY LAW
CHECKLIST
1. Conduct an initial interview to determine your immediate
and long term needs
2. Educate you about what happens in a family law case and
what expectations you should have
3. Counsel you on all your legal rights and options
4. Make arrangements for any mediation efforts being pursued
5. Oversee mediation efforts
6. Finalize mediation agreements and submit the final
agreement to court
7. Prepare comprehensive property settlement agreement
including all assets and debts.
8. Attempt to resolve disputes regarding property division,
alimony, child support, visitation, and guardianship
9. Draft the petition for divorce
10. File the divorce petition with the clerk of the court
11. Assist in cases where a biological parent may want or have
to relinquish parental rights
12. Help determine if someone is qualified to pursue a
restraining order
13. File forms to request a Domestic Violence Restraining Order
14. Attend court with you to help obtain a restraining order
15. Determine if temporary guardianship needs to be pursued
32
YOUR
FAMILY LAW
CHECKLIST
16. Create documents to prevent foreseeable future issues
17. Gather documentation and evidence to support your
position including financial, academic and potentially
psychological reports if needed to support your position
18. Analyze the opposition’s position to determine how best to
counter their position and the potential evidence being
presented
19. Interview witnesses for custody related issues
20. Collect evidence such as photographs, hospital or police
reports in domestic violence or child neglect/abuse cases
21. Analyze the legal issues and present realistic options for you
as well as the pros and cons of each option
22. Decide if an attempt should be made to negotiate or if
litigation is the best approach for your situation
23. Go to court to set a court date
24. Prepare you (and any witnesses) for court
25. Organize the preparation of exhibits for court
26. File briefs and motions with the court to eliminate surprises
presented by the opposing counsel during the trial
27. Make recommendations to you as to whether or not to
appeal a divorce judgment or decree
CHAPTER
5 HOW A FAMILY LAW ATTORNEY SERVES
YOU
34
I understand that the disappointment, stress, and frustration that has led you to
the point in your life where you're reading a report on avoiding an ugly divorce
makes it seems almost impossible to imagine a future without pain and grief.
Nevertheless, I want you to close your eyes for just a second and take a few deep
breaths to clear your mind of the overwhelming burden that you are carrying
around right now. I want you to imagine yourself three years from now. You are
three years older and wiser than you are right now. You have taken this
experience and used it to raise your expectations of others to reduce the chance
of future disappointments and frustrations. The people you choose to surround
yourself with inspire you and motivate you to do great things. Your ability to not
only survive, but thrive is an inspiration to others who are experiencing the
same things you are right now. Your kids are happy and rapidly growing into
amazing people who reflect your resilience and determination. Their ability to
tackle whatever life throws at them is a testament to your dedication, to your
dreams.. You feel happier than you ever recall feeling.
Take a look around and envision what things have come to pass for you to feel
this way, to be in this place to be in place. Are you pursuing an educational goal
that you have always dreamed of? Do you have more time and opportunities to
indulge in a hobby that you might have had to put on the back-burner while you
attended to the needs of everyone else? Imagine monthly bills coming in and
you hardly giving them a second thought because you've reached a point where
you are able to make ends meet and provide the best life possible for your
children. Let all the pieces of your best possible life fall into place and
acknowledge that you have survived hell and high water to get there and you
deserve the best for yourself. Life feels pretty great right now.
35
That future destination is possible to reach. The journey begins with an initial
intake meeting to discuss all the facts and circumstances that exist right now.
We will talk extensively about your needs and wants, and discuss future goals
and plans in order to get a complete picture of your short and long term needs.
Next, your experienced family law team examines how the law applies to your
circumstances, what variables may come into play to influence less than
desirable outcomes. The family law attorney then explains all of the options
available to get you to that great future you see for yourself and you decide
which path is the right one for you. One thing I know for sure is that there is no
one "right" path to get you from here to there. The journey from here to there is
genuinely a choose-your-own-adventure story and the job of your divorce
attorney is to help you consider all of the options you might encounter and
understand how your choices will get your closer to or further away from the
future you envision for yourself.
I can't speak for other attorneys, but as a dedicated family law attorney my goal
is for you to end our formal relationship by walking out of my office with an
extensive toolbox at your side, a tangible vision of the next steps you need to
take, and a detailed map of your chosen journey in your pocket. You will
understand the tools and resources available to you to achieve all of the
milestones you hope to achieve and the wisdom to know when to use each of the
tools to get you to the next stage of your chosen destination.
CHAPTER
6 A WORD ON
MEANINGLESS ADVERTISING:
DECONSTRUCTING THE AVERAGE LEGAL ADVERTISEMENT
37
Better Call Saul!
These attorneys give the legal profession a bad reputation and are the reason
Dikigorosophobia (fear of lawyers) even exists!
Often law practices that post advertisements on billboards, in the Yellow Pages
or on TV are either general practice offices where attorneys (or their staff) are
working on an estate plan one morning, a tax resolution issue in the afternoon
and are in court representing a DUI case the next day or they are
advertisements that exist out of necessity because these offices need a constant
stream of new clients to keep their doors open and the lights on rather than
establishing long term relationships with their clients. Referral based practices,
on the other hand generate word of mouth referral business based on high
quality work and Compassion, Integrity, Commitment, Tenacity and the
Creativity to always be looking for the non-obvious solution to provide an
optimal outcome for their clients.
Referral based practices deliver security and consistency to their clients and
take great pride whenever someone they have served tells a friend or coworker
“I have THE BEST attorney in town – Let me give you their number!” Referral
based practices get clients solely by reputation because when they do a great job
for their clients not only win by getting great service, but their clients win by
connecting their friends with a great service provider.
When you visit a referral based practice dedicated to serving solely the needs of
people in situations just like yours you’ll find you have greater access to
information and resources that can help you through the process. You’ll also
have the benefit of having greater security in the knowledge that your best
interests are being attended to.
CHAPTER
7 OUR IDEAL CLIENTS
39
OUR IDEAL CLIENTS
If you are looking for an attorney that is determined to make the process as
drawn out and miserable as possible for everyone involved, then I am not the
attorney for you. The primary mission of my practice is to establish common
ground whenever possible, and – more importantly – help you, your children
and your loved ones enter into this next phase of your life in the healthiest and
most productive way possible. If that common ground does not exist in your
particular situation our practice policy is to be passionate advocates for your
best interests throughout this difficult time in your life so you leave the process
feeling like you have a solid foundation on which to build your new life.
Everyone comes to me at different stages in the divorce process, both legally
and emotionally. What I can describe are some ideal behaviors, those practices
that I ask my clients to embody because they will make the divorce process a
whole lot smoother for everyone. I can also say that if you are someone who is
looking for a fire-breathing dragon, someone who will help you get revenge at
any cost, then I am not the right lawyer for you.
My ideal client is someone who is prepared to:
BE INVOLVED
As I stated earlier in this book, I genuinely prefer those people who want to be
involved in the process. I want to make sure that if we are in court, you know
why. If we are filing papers, I want you to understand what they say and what
we are hoping to achieve by filing them. And if something does not go the way
we hope, I want you to be in a position where we can have an honest discussion
about why we got the result we did.
40
THINK ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS
It can be extremely tempting in the short-run to make decisions mainly because
the outcome will hurt your ex. Remember that these types of decisions can not
only make things even more miserable for your children, but will also come
back to haut you later on in the process.
BE OPEN TO SOME COMPROMISE
Part of our work together will be working to determine what you truly need to
have in order to live the life you imagine for yourself. In order to achieve that
life there will be times when you will have to be flexible.
MOST IMPORTANTLY
TAKE CARE OF YOUR AND YOUR FAMILY’S EMOTIONAL NEEDS
During this tough time when you are trying so hard to stabilize your life and
your children’s lives you the enormous amount of pressure and stress you are
under is tremendous.
Every day can feel overwhelming and like your emotional energy is stretched to
capacity. Scheduling a time to talk with a trusted therapist or life coach who
isn’t directly involved in your situation is the best gift you can give yourself and
is necessary to maintaining and improving your emotional well being. Give
yourself the gift of an hour or two each week to put down the heavy weight
you’ve been carrying and recharge. If you do I can assure you the foundation
you’re building for your new life is going to be solid enough for whatever
amazing dreams you chose to pursue.
I am happy to help you navigate the legal side of your divorce. A good therapist
will help you and your children work through the emotional side. Together
these two separate areas of expertise can help you create a unique and fulfilling
journey forward that might just surpass your wildest dreams!
CHAPTER
8 WORKING WITH
CATHY
42
WHEN YOU HAVE A FAMILY LAW PROBLEM
YOU DON’T WANT A GENERALIST HANDING IT
You want an experienced attorney who knows the unique aspects of
Pennsylvania Family Law and has represented a wide range of clients with a
focus on their individual needs who can evaluate your situation and act as a
confidant and advocate for your needs.
Ms. Cardozo believes that a good family law focused legal advocate will protect
you, your family and your assets and help establish a solid foundation from
which to build your new life.
Ms. Cardozo’s client relationships begin with a No Hassle Family Law Strategy
Meeting, in which we thoroughly review goals, discuss options, and create a
plan which not only addresses the pressing issues of today, but the goals you
have for tomorrow and what can be done to avoid legal problems and expenses
in the future.
What that means is Cathy’s clients leave the meeting with a completely clear
picture of where they stand, what to do next, and what issues may occur along
the way and how to successfully navigate the difficult process of obtaining a
divorce.
A SPECIAL
BONUS JUST
FOR YOU!
Our standard No Hassle Divorce & Family Law Strategy Meeting is normally $750.
BUT if you have read this report and are truly interested in Avoiding an Ugly Divorce just mention this report and
I will offer you that $750 strategy session for $150.
AND if you retain us, you'll get a full credit of $150 towards our legal services!
To Download Additional Copies Of This
Report Visit:
CathyCardozo.com/Avoid-Ugly-Divorces
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ms. Cardozo is a graduate of Temple University, BSW 1988, The Philadelphia
Institute for Paralegals 1991 and Temple University School of Law, JD 2002. She
was on staff and associate editor on the Temple Journal of International and
Comparative Law. During law school she worked as an intern through a clinical
program at Family Court of Philadelphia for Temple Legal Aid. Prior to and
during law school she had worked as litigation paralegal. Before entering the legal
field, she was a social worker with Philadelphia County MH/MR and a counselor
with local women’s’ agencies.
Ms. Cardozo is a Montgomery County Certified Mediator and a member of the
Pennsylvania Council on Mediation and has received special training in
techniques to facilitate cooperative solutions in divorce and family law disputes,
such as divorce mediation. Cathy has been a trusted advisor in hundreds of family
law cases and will work with you to find manageable solutions for any family law
related issue. Areas of expertise are domestic relations cases, dissolutions,
separations, nullity, domestic violence prevention, paternity actions, child
custody, child support, visitation arrangements, spousal and family support.
Ms. Cardozo has conducted seminars on Divorce and Custody Mediation in
addition to Child Support and Custody Issues.
Cathy enjoys a good sense of humor, and has discovered that clients who come
out of their divorces the happiest, healthiest and ready to tackle whatever life
challenges await have often relied on their sense of humor to get through the
toughest days of the difficult transitions they are making. In her free time you’ll
find her at the gym, curled up reading a good legal thriller, or just out and about
having fun with her husband and two smart and handsome sons. From time to
time she gets inspired and attempts to cook a gourmet meal. She loves
international travel and wishes she had more time to see the world.
Catherine M. Cardozo is an attorney and the founder of the
Law Offices of Catherine Cardozo, LLC. She conducts
mediations in divorce and custody, as well as acting as a coach
during mediation training sessions. She does volunteer
mediation with Good Shepherd Mediation Center.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Cathy’s memberships include the American Bar Association, Pennsylvania Bar
Association and the Montgomery Bar Association
Areas of Practice: 100% Family LawMediation
Child SupportCollaborative LawCustody & VisitationDivorce
Litigation Percentage:90% of Practice Devoted to Litigation
Certification/Specialties:Legal Intern, Temple Legal Aid Office, Family Law
Division, 2002
Bar Admissions:Pennsylvania, 2002
Education:Temple University School of Law, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania,
2002J.D.
Honors: Phi Alpha Delta (Roberts Chapter) – ClerkLaw Journal: International and
Comparative Law Journal, Associate Editor, 1999 – 2001
The Philadelphia Institute, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 1991
Paralegal CertificateHonors: Overall G.P.A. 3.71
Temple University, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 1988Bachelor of Social Work
Published Works:PA Family Lawyer, Casenote, Summer, 2006