Domestic violence and family dynamics

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Permissive / neglectful parenting styles

Children may have & abuse power over one or both parents

Authoritarian / abusive parenting styles

One or both parents abuse power within the family

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Both parents are equal in power and above the child in the family power structure – power is wielded the interests of protecting

and teaching child to become a self-regulating individual. Parents having a focus on the child’s interests, with a healthy eye on their

own needs also

Parenting in the child’s best interests

Parenting continuum

Ordinary parenting programmes

Therapeutic parenting

‘Caring dads’ ‘Who’s in Charge?’

Interventions to move parents along the parenting continuum

Which of the following are abuse?

Smacking a young child for running on the roadHitting a young child with a slipper for running on the road10-year-old boy gives 12-year-old brother a black eye in a fight10-year-old accidentally gives 4-year-old brother a black eye while play

fighting. 10-year-old deliberately giving his 2-year-old brother a black eye.A baby biting his mother.10-year-old biting his mother.10-year-old saying I hate you! to a parent.A parent says I hate you! to 10-year-old A teenager who has seen his dad hit his mum for years attacking and injuring

his dad when dad has been yelling at mum againA teenager attacking his dad because he won’t buy him a motorbike

Family agreement

• Selecting goals

• Consequences and rewards

• What if’s

• Safety plans

Steps for ordinary child discipline

• Modelling• Giving clear instructions as to what you want the child to do• Giving praise and attention for good behaviour• Ignoring bad behaviour• Confrontation - “NO, don’t do that” followed by firm

authoritative instructions • Incentives – star charts work for younger children – set them

up for agreed behaviours and maintain them consistently until better habits have formed. Incentives charts work on older children with agreed rewards when the child has earned enough points from agreed ‘goal’ behaviours. Contracts may also work with older children.

• Consequences – offer choices and speak of the logical consequences first (eg. if you make the

choice to wear only a t-shirt then you will end up cold) for more serious issues where you are not willing to allow choice insist that

the child must first do …… before you will co-operate with her in any way. negative consequences for bad behaviours (eg. Confiscation of toys for

younger children)

• Family rule discussion – for older children – sit down as a family and discuss the problems. Gather your children’s ideas about what are the key problems and how to address them. Try to reach compromise and agreement.

• Time out - time out should not be an alternative to completing a task, but a consequence of bad behaviour.

Modelling• Who is important in your child’s life?• What behaviours from you set good examples of how to communicate

with these people and how to manage frustration?• How you rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 in communicating and

managing frustration with others - especially those important to your child?

• How can you appreciate others who are important in your child’s life to the child (eg. Other parent, foster carers etc?)

Praise• Get them to share ways they remember being put down or

felt they were negatively labelled as a child • How did this affect them?• How did they feel to person to said those things to them?• How do they do that to their own child?• How can they praise their own child – both for specific skills

and attributes but also for specific behaviours. Ask them to log praise for their children in the coming weeks.

Caring dads – child centred parenting

• Establish long term goals of discipline – to teach certain values and behaviours even when the parent isn’t there – to teach self control

• Consider specific examples of behaviours the father finds challenging and/or has punished – ask in who’s interest is it to change this behaviour? How child _parent centred is it?

• Compare the goals with impacts of the punishment. In who’s interest is using this method of discipline? How child parent centred is it?

• What better ways might you achieve the goals?

Who’s in charge?• Your influence• Other parent• Relationship between parents• Step-parent• Brothers & Sisters• Other relatives• School• Friends• Any other people• TV, other media• Temperament (elements of personality your child was born with)• Physical: appearance, size, health, age reaching puberty • Free will & child’s own choices• Specific events• Any other influences (give your influence 10 points and use this as a standard against which to

measure others’ influence - you can do this on specific issues such as violence - you can work out the final % influence you think you actually had on that issue)

Impacts on children

• Attachment styles(eg. Howe, D (2003) – ‘Attachment disorders’ in Attachment and Human Development (5:3) pp265 – 271)

Understanding children’s communication

girl – 5 - always plays up at bedtimeboy – 11- steals sweets and then more precious thingsGirl - 9 - breaks her parents precious things intentionallyBoy - 6 wets bed and sometimes urinates in the corner of his bedroom

• What might the child be trying to communicate?• What can parents say to child?• What can they do?