The World Is Full Of Laughterby Dolly Sen (2002)

There is an introduction and foreword by Jason Pegler who has published Dolly’s work. Jason says Dolly’s work will save lives. Dolly describes the pivotal moment when she decides not to kill her extremely abusive father, over whom she is standing with a knife.

Part One: A little girl (pp10-68)Dolly’s mum and dad met on Victoria station in a bar. Dolly’s mum was deaf and her dad was Indian. A Janis Joplin and an Elvis coming together. Her mum got pregnant in 1970 and her dad made to walk out, but relented – something he describes as the worst thing he ever did. They married. Initially they stayed in Brick Lane. Her dad hung her over a balcony Michael Jackson style when Dolly was teething and screaming a lot. He is proud of that. They moved to Streatham, and Dolly had a posh accent when the area was middle class, and became Sarf London when the inner city colonised Streatham. Tooting Bec was the local asylum. She began an awareness of ghosts. When small she had a toy bus conductor’s ticket machine. She became aware of her dad’s increasing anger and he started to beat her mother. She went to a hospital when her younger sister developed a brain tumor. She befriended a Greek origin boy on the ward and he went to heaven, she was told. Her dad told her to shut up when she asked why her friend died. She experienced monsters in the dark at night. Her dad beat the shit out of Dolly yet claimed to love the kids and proof was that he forced them to march to the hospital when he had spent all the fare money on drink. She stayed at her uncle and aunt’s for a while and was spoiled. She formed a bond with her sister Sheila after Sheila came out of hospital. Her father beat her mother so badly that she lost a baby. Dolly’s dad was born in India in 1932 0r 1934 and Dolly

was named after his mother. Dolly’s dad said that his father beating him never did him any harm. Dolly’s dad was dishonest in India and had some scrapes with criminals he ripper off, and was helped by his aunt who was butch. Dolly feels this masculine side which makes her protective, although she enjoys being a woman. Dolly’s dad became an accomplished Indian musician and his father rather disapproved because of association with drugs and drink. In England her dad had to fight racial discrimination from Teddy boys. Dolly’s dad said he could have had any woman when he was famous with music and film, and demeaned her mother on that score. (Like Eddie Bruce). At age 2 Dolly’s mum got measles which left her deaf. On her mum’s side there was her grandfather who worked at Ravenscraig steel works. He didn’t get on with his son in law, Dolly’s dad. Dolly’s mum said they were poor but happy. Both of Dolly’s grandmothers were very kind. Dolly’s mum got rapped on the knuckles at school due to her deafness, and ended up in London to find work, and went to Victoria station for a drink every Friday, where her dad met her.Her dad has an operation, but returns to drinking as God is on his side. They are assessed by a social worker who thinks both parents are mad due to drink and deafness respectively. The world was indeed laughing at Dolly’s mum due to her dad’s continual put-downs. They were assessed at a mental hospital in Preston. Dolly goes temporarily into foster care. At a pre-school nursery Dolly is a tomboy and gets muddy on a slide. Dolly has a sometimes recurrent dream about being led to a golden field by an angel. This she has when close to death or suicide. They are warned about the mad people from the asylum who are on Tooting Bec Common. Dolly is returned to the abusive household, and she says that torture chambers have cushions, lampshades, TV’s and welcome mats. Irony is when her dad hits her with a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ plate. Dolly’s mum has a boy named Kenny and this sends her father into delights.

Dolly wets the bed at this time. When Dolly’s dad returns from film work he sometimes brings KFC or McDonalds, which the kids love. Her and her siblings are kept away from local children and Dolly looks out longingly as local children play. Dolly begins to dream about a spaceship taking her to a safe place and daydreams about how wonderful death will be, it will be hers and hers alone. She fantasises about being part of Evil Knivel and Starsky and Hutch on the TV. Violence continues and her dad knocks her mum out. At age 5, her dad decides Dolly must do work, so she begins to help her mum with laundry, cleaning, and babysitting. (cf Me sweeping up etc at Appledene.) At times the children are allowed to play in the garden. A neighbour was racially prejudiced, would not give them their ball back, and would say: Mixed breeds, fucking mongrels, your parents breed like rabbits, you don’t belong here, you don’t belong anywhere, go back to where you came from. Another neighbour however would give them ice cream. Dolly’s dad was angry for her merely living and breathing. She was scared of her father but he wasn’t always mean (cf Reg.) He showed them how to make roti out of bread and was proud when they did. Her father took advantage of her naivety and fooled her into giving him a hug but he just pulled her hair and hit her. Dolly thought of living on the streets but was too scared as her father told her the world was full of baddies and devils. He forced her to sit on a bench in Tooting Bec Common when he could not go in The John Company while he drank a bottle of whisky. The psychiatric patients were still there on 10-hour meditations taking stars and demons. Miss Turner took Dolly and Sheila to church every Sunday to Sunday School. Dolly gained a love of reading. Dolly began doing collages of cut outs that she made into sentences. She entered Sunday school competitions and won. Her dad took one of Dolly’s stickers and put it on his head: I am the apple of God’s eye. Other kids made fun of Dolly’s name. (‘Dolly is a

doll). Her speech development was haphazard from a deaf and a slurring drunk. She loved her infant school teachers. She bagan to think that people aren’t evil.Dolly was sexually abused by a regular visitor, one of her dad’s friends. She didn’t have to tell anyone as he gave her an STI. The teachers asked her if this had happened at school? She became withdrawn. The playground was full of laughter (p40 ***). All she wanted was her books and daydreams. Her sister Paula was born. Paula had to be taken to Brompton Hospital due to a hole in the heart, and the nurses loved Kenny. Dolly didn’t like bubble and squeak, and he dad asked God why he was punishing him with these children. Dolly and the others shared a bed and she went to school in rags and was called fleabag. When her mum wanted another baby, Dolly’s dad had a vasectomy. Her dad confined them to going to school, church and the supermarket. He said the world was evil.As he spent all his Giro on booze, they had to scrape around like finding change in the sofa and stealing milk from doorsteps. Her dad pawned items and did not spend the money on food, but on drink – they went hungry. Dolly fantasised about who lived in houses they passed, including one where a witch lived, supposedly. She mentions Leigham Avenue in Streatham on the way to the shops. Her mum told her bedtime stories about Elvis giving away cars to people, and she waited for Elvis to appear at the toy shop to give her a car. Her mum got her a space hopper and this made her very proud, the other kids were jealous. Her paternal granddad was called Dada and thought everyone was after his money, something her dad thought too. She visited Dada into her teens until his pain and paranoia had worsened, and he accused her of stealing his pots and pans. Her dad took money Dada had given her for school things, and spent it on drink. He did a con trick to get her shoes from Tesco. Mrs Keitch was the head of her junior school which she moved on to, and she persecuted

Dolly including in front of the whole school. She was told she must be a comedian (like her father was) because she didn’t have a bike. Mrs KI always won first prize in the school raffle. But at least Dolly stopped bedwetting. She began to work as a film extra, including on the Empire Strikes Back. Although she is now a veggie, the smell of cooking bacon still reminds her of those good days. She began to think that the ghouls and monsters on the set were real. She didn’t like planet Earth – it had her dad and school in it. She began to think that people didn’t tell her things because they needed someone to laugh at or look down on. The kids said they would come to her birthday party, and didn’t – a practical joke. She was learning that the world was full of laughter ***(p50). She threw herself into her schoolwork, and stayed away from playing kids. She was hungry at home and food was poor. She tried to steal food from other girl’s bags. One teacher told her dad her work was in decline and he threatened her (***like Reg when I was at primary school). Her dad would ingratiate himself with other kids by being funny – a comedian as he liked to think of himself. (Like Reg). But only if others were watching. Dolly bought sweets. When her dad was not at home they laughed and joked (p52). Her mum got pregnant for the 5th time and her dad beat the shit out of her. There is a dangerous time for a while after a vasectomy. Dolly loved the TV and thought that aliens on the TV were coming to her house. Dolly’s dad said kids go to work at age 5 in India, so that’s why she did too. Dolly was growing very large. They went to Lambeth council Christmas parties and one year the bus was diverted because of the Brixton riots. One good memory she has of the time is uncovering a pigsty at Hitherfield Junior School. She enjoyed school holidays in the country despite her dad’s opposition. One moment was during a 5-a-side football match where she scored a goal and all the other kids congratulated her and hug her – she only had a few moments like that at school. They got a

medal and were in the press. During her last year at Hitherfield in October 1980, they moved to a large council flat at Streatham Hill. She was convinced there was a theatrical ghost. The family went on a seaside holiday and her dad took pics of women in bikinis (cf Reg and Sonia sledging.) They went to Blackpool the next year and her dad picked fights. He asked God why he wasn’t winning at slot machines. He didn’t go on other trips to Blackpool. She went to St Martins school in Tulse Hill in September 1982. It was a deadly boring school with bullies and her dad let a paedophile loose on her again. Most of the teachers were fucked up – singing ‘Suicide is painless’ and anorexics always weighing themselves, a hippy teacher who never covered any required texts, getting in touch with themselves. A specialist dentist said her teeth were sticking out and she looked like a monkey. She worked on the set with Steven Spielburg, and was let go because she was too big to be playing a child extra. Her dad was supposed to be a ‘turban expert’ but flunked and was drunk. Her dad said: Don’t you fucking hurt my son Kenny, and threatened another extra for that. HE was the only one who could hurt his son. Her dad always acted the comedian on sets. He was superficially charming (like Reg.) Page 68: a brace in the mouth that didn’t know how to talk; shoes from Tesco; A bra that didn’t fit; knickers that had holes; body bruised; body touched by dirty old men; ignored by the rest of the world...’I was beginning to lose my mind.’

medal and were in the press. During her last year at Hitherfield in October 1980, they moved to a large council flat at Streatham Hill. She was convinced there was a theatrical ghost. The family went on a seaside holiday and her dad took pics of women in bikinis (cf Reg and Sonia sledging.) They went to Blackpool the next year and her dad picked fights. He asked God why he wasn’t winning at slot machines. He didn’t go on other trips to Blackpool. She went to St Martins school in Tulse Hill in September 1982. It was a deadly boring school with bullies and her dad let a paedophile loose on her again. Most of the teachers were fucked up – singing ‘Suicide is painless’ and anorexics always weighing themselves, a hippy teacher who never covered any required texts, getting in touch with themselves. A specialist dentist said her teeth were sticking out and she looked like a monkey. She worked on the set with Steven Spielburg, and was let go because she was too big to be playing a child extra. Her dad was supposed to be a ‘turban expert’ but flunked and was drunk. Her dad said: Don’t you fucking hurt my son Kenny, and threatened another extra for that. HE was the only one who could hurt his son. Her dad always acted the comedian on sets. He was superficially charming (like Reg.) Page 68: a brace in the mouth that didn’t know how to talk; shoes from Tesco; A bra that didn’t fit; knickers that had holes; body bruised; body touched by dirty old men; ignored by the rest of the world...’I was beginning to lose my mind.’