The Signs as KeysmashesBy Celestial Mistress, Maiden, and Minion

Aries

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Taurus

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Gemini

PLSSShwhsnakkakskdodkdj

Cancer

OHHHHMYGODDDSDJIFOSDJFIOSDF

Leo

hehehehehehehehehehhehehe

Virgo

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Libra

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Scorpio

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Sagittarius

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Capricorn

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrndfgnfdfoiungiodfngidigiyui

Aquarius

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Pisces

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The Signs as Spotify WrappedInstagram Storiesby Celestial Mistress, Maiden, and Minion

AriesTop song: Castaways by The Backyardigans Cast. “Love this

show!”

TaurusTop artist: Lil Nas X. “No homo”

GeminiTop moods: happy and soft. “SSRIs work!”

CancerTop artist: Glass Animals. “This is all because of tik tok.”

LeoTop podcast: Red Scare. “It started as a bit.”

VirgoTop moods: Melancholy and wistful. “Hit me up with SHAW smilepills or a boyfriend STAT”

LibraTop song: Rain Sounds Twelve Hour. “No bc this shit slaps”

ScorpioTop song: good 4 u by Olivia Rodrigo. “no one’s surprisedabout this one. fuck you Kevin”

SagittariusTop genre: K-Pop. “I may be vegan but I consumed a lot ofButter this year…”

CapricornTop artist: Adele. “Iss mento iwness innit??”

AquariusTop song: Kiss Me More by Doja Cat ft. Sza. “You heard her!”

PiscesTop genre: Broadway. “Can y’all guess my major??”

The Signs Stop by The SpencerGrilleBy Celestial Mistress, Maiden, and Minion

Aries“The Secret Menu”: Mix two packets of Splenda, one packet ofsalt, three packets of pepper. Mix with sweet baby ray’s sweetchili sauce. Pour over fruit salad and serve at room

temperature.

Taurus“Surf and Turf”: Goldfish and beef jerky

Gemini“The Stemmo”: Spicy black bean quesadilla and a mountain dew

Cancer “The Professor”: Spinach feta croissant and a cortadito.

Leo“Pretty Privilege”: Small strawberry raspberry peach smoothiein a large cup. No lid. No straw. No chia seeds.

Virgo“Dairy Darling”: Strawberry milk and four hard-boiled eggs

Libra“Post-Practice Potluck”: Two crispy chicken sandwiches, mozzsticks, Gatorade, and a big brownie cookie.

Scorpio “The Pall Bearer”: Guacachips, a peach Palmer, and a ClifBar. RIP �

Sagittarius“The Exec”: Lemon San Pellegrino and a cup of iced water.

Capricorn“Old Faithful”: dirty iced chai, sriracha chicken bites, and10 mozzarella sticks.

Aquarius“The Mom Friend”: Blackened chicken salad and a diet Pepsi,hold the ice.

Pisces“Bucksbaum Break”: A Trilogy kombucha and Uniquely Veganpanini.

The Signs During CuffingSeasonBy Celestial Mistress, Maiden, and Minion

AriesHas awkwardly waved at the cutie they had a romantic meet-cutewith at a High Street party, only to receive a simple nod inreturn. How tragic, just two ships passing on a manure-scentednight.

TaurusSobbing and shaking uncontrollably whenever they see the emptyhammock poles. How are they going to find a lover withoutbeing able to strategically splay themselves seductively onthose rustic ropes 10 minutes before the lunch rush?

GeminiOrders handcuffs and accompanying leather harness. Don’tworry, they’re cruelty-free … for the cows at least �

CancerNegging their physics tutor during mentor sessions with thehope that they come across as a hot edgy bisexual, not a cold-hearted mean bisexual.

LeoTreating the walk down the middle aisle of D-Hall like a firstepisode entrance on The Bachelor. Anyone care to accept thisrose at a date table?

VirgoSpends a dangerous amount of time in the athletic buildinglooking for a big hairy gay man, to no avail. They reallynamed this place the Bear for nothing, huh?

LibraThirst-yakking in the wee morning hours and chickening outwhen an eager burrito emoji takes them up on their offer.

ScorpioComing up on week seven of the talking stage … Scorpio knowsthat U-hauling is only a stereotype, but does it have to be?

SagittariusSwitches their Tinder bio to “hooking up has left the chat,only swipe right if you’re ready to snuggle up and watch TheGreat British Bake Off.”

CapricornFigures out their crush’s schedule to the T and plantsthemselves at a town square table just hoping today’s 2:15p.m. walk-by will be the one to push this casual acquaintance-ship into the great unknown of friends-who-accidentally-but-purposefully-make-eye-contact-with-each other-across-the-HSSC.

AquariusCompiled their best main character Spotify playlist and sitssipping their lavender latte from Lucky Cat whilst buriedbehind books in Burling. Someone, someone will turn the cornerand ponder over Aquarius’ mysterious aura.

PiscesBroaching the topic of baby names with the friend they alwayscall ‘wifey’. Pisces really hopes that after their forced

enthusiasm for a name like ‘George,’ they finally catch thevibes.

The Signs as MakeshiftHalloween CostumesBy Celestial Mistress, Maiden, and Minion

The Signs as Last Minute Makeshift Halloween Costumes

AriesBrown pants pre-soaked in water + brown shirt pre-soaked inwater + red solo cups = Fairgrounds carpet at 4 a.m.

TaurusPlaid button-down + yellow lab Webkinz + hat crafted frompopsicle sticks and a Casey’s box = Ben Newhouse

GeminiToy Story bedsheets + clothespins + a flimsy paper wreath= Aclassics major who wishes Grinnell had frats

CancerUgly pink prom dress from second mile + corn syrup + dollarstore tiara = Carrie

LeoWalmart bathing suit + jean shorts + hot pink lipstick +borderline hypothermic legs in late October = Malibu Barbie

VirgoBlack T-shirt with “Grinnell Dining Services” logo + closed-toe shoes + long pants + label maker + black hat = SpencerGrille Worker

LibraCardboard box pulled from the mailroom recycling bin + redtissue paper + a few pulls from a close friend’s vape = the

loggia vending machine that caught on fire

ScorpioSnapback + Monster energy drink sweatshirt + Cookie Monsterpajama pants = that one kid in middle school who always walkedthe mile

SagittariusGreen spandex + yellow tanktop + a complex about going toschool in Iowa = corn cob

CapricornA ghost face mask + a sexy body = Sexy Ghost Face

AquariusMetal baking sheets taped into a breastplate + name tagslabeled “chocolate,” “vanilla” and “out of order” + ice creamcone = a controversy

PiscesColorful striped sweater + overalls from last year’s sexyminion costume + the $300 auburn dye job you splurged onduring fall break before checking the stylist’s rates = Chucky

The Signs’ Roommate HorrorStoriesby Celestial Mistress, Maiden, and Minion

AriesBeing off the meal plan is a wonderful, cost-effective perk ofliving off campus, unless your roommate is a die-hardpescatarian and lackluster dishwasher. Those flecks of burntsalmon really put the crispy into Aries’ homemade rice crispytreats!

TaurusTaurus’ roommate is taking the NSO bonding crafts a little tooseriously. Matching friendship bracelets were kinda cute, butDIY D-Hall napkin lingerie??

GeminiLooked under their roommate’s bed to identify where thestrange smell that had been following Gemini like a petulantmusk, only to find dozens of filled to-go boxes shoved behinda lump of dirty laundry. They’re pretty sure they saw the moldstirring….

CancerHas a single but keeps hearing soft giggling at weird hours ofthe night … this twin XL is not big enough for Cancer and thenot-so-friendly Haines ghost who has absolutely no regard forpersonal space.

LeoGrowing up as the youngest sibling made Leo sure they wereready for a roommate, and yet nothing could prepare them forGrinnell’s entrepreneurial forced-quad doubles. Twin bunk bedsare NOT the look, especially when Leo’s 19 and can’t run tomommy and daddy’s room to escape the snores.

VirgoVirgo thought they’d be okay with their roommate’s threeemotional support lizards until learning they’d be accompaniedby a small horde of constantly chirping crickets. At leastthey always have lo-fi hip-hop insect noises to study to :/

LibraIt’s rude to go through another’s belongings, Libraunderstands that, but in an act of desperation they wentsearching for a post-it and discovered the largest collectionof pleasure paraphernalia they’d ever seen. Who knew theirroommate has been operating SHIC out of a dorm on James 2ndthis whole time?

ScorpioHaving a hookup always on hand is hot, but you know what isn’thot? Arguing over the state of the food-spattered mini fridgepost-coital. Tensions are rising and not the sexy kind.

SagittariusSagittarius’ main goal this semester was to find love (andbecome a badass woman in STEM of course). Little did they knowthey’d be an outside observer to the cutest roommates-to-friends-to-lovers story unfolding under their own roof. Maybethey’re down for a throuple … Sagittarius could work withthat.

CapricornWaking up in the middle of the night to a rhythmic squeakingnoise. Capricorn is hoping for a rat infestation but has asinking sensation that it’s more likely ancient bedspringsplus three weeks of pent-up lust between the roommate andtheir long-distance girlfriend.

AquariusAquarius decided to try their luck parsing through the classof 2025 Facebook group for a roommate. Melanie seemed sweetenough from her post, but she really wasn’t kidding when shesaid she likes “The Office.” If they have to wake up to SteveCarell’s nasally cackle one more time, Melanie’s gonna findher “World’s Best Boss” mug hurtling off the Main 4th fireescape.

PiscesA low-key spa night turned feral when Pisces’ roommatemisjudged the vibe and brought along a ouija board and a baggyof shrooms to get everyone “in the right headspace.”

The Signs as Second Years Who

Are Actually First Yearsby Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion

AriesSpills chloroform during O-chem lab, forcing their entireclass to evacuate Noyce. Guess they weren’t as much of anatural as they thought while reading the instructions viaBlackboard last year.

TaurusTries to pay for their $70 Hometown Heroes bill with diningdollars. After finding out this is not the grill everyone’sbeen talking about, they attempt to barter with the medallionAnne Harris gifted them at the commencement stage last week.Sorry, Taurus, looks like rookie of the year is going tosomeone else. �

GeminiBoth getting TikTok famous and doing a year of college fromtheir childhood bedroom killed all of Gemini’s brain cellsresponsible for remembering libraries exist. After walkinginto Burling for the first time, they declare, “Wait … it’s sodark academia vibes in here…”

CancerDedicating a week of early morning study seshes to solidifytheir regular status at Saints Rest only to get whiplash with

the daily rotating cast of baristas. How many large icedraspberry steamers with soy no cinnamon does Cancer have toorder before they walk in with one ready at the counter?

LeoBoldly asked their groupmate what their class year was,expecting to have found their own personal “babie freshie”only to garner the response “um… I’m a fourth year.”

VirgoWhat does Virgo get for staying up the entire night beforetour guide training memorizing the campus layout? Cussed outby a fourth year for shouting to a gaggle of first years thatwe call the JRC “the Joe.”

LibraDesperate to be indie and edgy, Libra found a new hiddenhangout after picking the lock to that cool-lookin’ bluebuilding by Cowles. This gym would be so fun to dance in, whydoesn’t anyone throw a party here??

ScorpioWalking into their anthropology advisor’s office was a realshock for Scorpio when they realized the WebEx camera reallydoes add ten years.

SagittariusSagittarius has been getting dinner in to-go boxes every night– not for Covid safety reasons, of course, but strictly tofeel the S1 nostalgia of garlic tofu inflected with notes ofdisposable plastic.

CapricornArriving late to the first day of POL-111: Intro to PoliticalScience in the Humanities and Social Studies Center afterrushing out of Martha Cleveland Hall with wet hair, stoppingby the Joe Rosenfield Center for a cortado at the SpencerGrill. Maybe they’d get their quicker if they didn’t run outof breath every time they had to say a location, why doesn’tanyone at this school use damn acronyms?

AquariusFrantically rummaging through the closet looking for theirbest cowgirl-meets-soft-pretzel-enthusiast fit that won’tclash in the Ferris wheel lighting to no avail. Excuse you ifthey want to dress to impress – the party IS at the countyfairgrounds, right???

PiscesStill dating tutorial bae, but we’ll see if this relationshipcan make it past the one-year anniversary Dari Barn date … TheASMR flirty voice is more creepy than cute off Discord.

The Signs’ most memorable dayof summer 2021By Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion

AriesJuly 22, 2021: Blowing the last of their MAP stipend on aBikes To You shopping spree. Fingerless gloves, a helmet witha headlamp, a pair of those shorts with padding on the butt soyour booty doesn’t hurt and a hot pink 10-speed. Personalitytraits CAN be bought, folks!

TaurusJuly 16, 2021: Started off their solo backpacking fantasy withan assertive day trip along the Appalachian Trail. What beganas stalwart confidence quickly dwindled to full-blown panicthree hours in without even a cellphone tower in sight tosignal humanity’s presence. Alas, hope returned in the form ofa cheerful Minnesotan family all too willing to offerelaborate directions and a nourishing handful of Chex Mix.

GeminiJune 12, 2021: Hometown bar-hopping with the high schoolbesties on Gemini’s 21st birthday turned into quite thecelebration. Dingy dive bar lighting looked GOOD on yoursophomore year lab partner making eyes at you across the roomwhile dipping his onion ring in a vat of ranch. Gemini alwaysthought he might be bicurious, but it looks like they finallyget to put that hypothesis to the test…

CancerAugust 15, 2021: Today’s the day Cancer turned their lifearound, their come to Jesus moment, or maybe come to Megan …They redownloaded Tinder, cut all their t-shirts into croptops and winked at the hottie stacking cans of maize at thegrocery store. It’s never too late for a #hotgirlsummer.

LeoJuly 3, 2021: Road tripping to Florida sounded like a funmidnight idea, until Aries’ beat up Toyota broke down an houroutside of town. The tow truck dragged the car over toRiverside, Iowa where (fun fact!) Captain Kirk will be born acouple hundred years from now … Can’t say it made up for theirvision of a margarita on the seaside.

VirgoJuly 10, 2021: Showed up to the farmer’s market with a wovenstraw bag in hand, wide- brimmed hat secured with a ribbonunder the chin and a hankering for a cheddar-leek scone – acompliment from a stranger on their hand-stitched linen apronwas the cherry on top for Virgo, who’s finally living out theprovincial lifestyle they’d always dreamed of.

LibraAugust 13, 2021: An afternoon in Charleston during theirbookshop-hopping road trip along the Eastern Seaboard wentfrom picturesque to scary when a shadowy figure emerged frombetween the stacks brandishing a dusty copy of “War and Peace”and a piercing gaze. If Libra’s life was to take a turn intothe plot of any Netflix Original, “You” would not have beentheir first choice.

ScorpioAugust 2, 2021: A furtive glance while grappling for a tube inthe lazy river line, the slippery brush of a foot in the wavepool … A last-minute trip to the aquatic family wonderland ofthe Wisconsin Dells has become what were undoubtedly thehottest three days of Scorpio’s life.

SagittariusJuly 23, 2021: Sagittarius swore they would do nothing butread books, get drunk and look hot. And so, they’ve made it amission to visit every coffee shop within a five-mile radius,and on this lovely Friday morning, Sagittarius finally gottheir meet-cute. I mean, the way that barista just said hello… are they going to kiss right now?

CapricornJune 8, 2021: Arrived at their summer camp counselor gig eagerto develop the skills required for their dream job as apreschool teacher. Watching a kid down two consecutive tubs ofColorations non-toxic paint before 9 a.m. on a Tuesday has gotCapricorn rethinking their projected career path.

AquariusJune 1, 2021: First day on the job as your hometown’s hot newbarista and things could not have gone worse. Several steamedmilk mishaps later and Pisces is starting to wonder whetherlisting the Grille as work experience was really the way togo. Cafe Bustelo’s cortadito ain’t got nothing on this honeylavender latte.

PiscesAugust 9, 2021: Forming a casual volleyball league with thethird years living in a house across the street seemed like agreat way to enjoy some healthful time outdoors while makinglifelong friends in the process. After today’s game though,Aquarius isn’t going to plan a friendship bracelet braidingsession anytime soon. They promise they weren’t aiming for herface, but apparently Aquarius’s spike game is just too goodfor the minor leagues.

The Signs just gotvaccinated!By Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion

AriesSparring with their weird antivax cousin over Instagram DMsafter getting a little too trigger happy with the post-vaxstory selfies – consequently curating a Close Friends listsolely based on their followers’ likelihood to suspect theynow have a microchip in their arm.

TaurusProtection from an infectious disease isn’t too shabby abirthday present, but this seriously wasn’t the type ofheadache they planned on having the morning after their 21st.

GeminiBrandishing their “I Got the Vaccination!” sticker harder thanan “I Voted” sticker in a swing-state.

CancerEagerly waiting two weeks to give all of their (fellowvaccinated) friends a little platonic smooch and then spooningthem while crying tears of joy because physical touch is theirlove language, okay?

LeoPurposefully cleared their schedule for the 48 hours followingtheir second dose in expectation of the oncoming storm sure to

rack their immune system only to make it through without somuch as a headache – the definition of being built different.

VirgoTaking the shot like a champ but then spending the rest of theday calling out literally anyone who posts unmasked photoswith something to the effect of “Yikes…Not a good look…JUSTbecause you got vaccinated does NOT mean that you haveimmunity or protection from COVID-19!” You’re signaling alittle more than virtue, sweaty.

LibraMilking the side effects for all they’re worth in hopes thattheir roommates will take a hint and serve them a deliciousbreakfast in bed, but only getting a completely crushed NatureValley bar lobbed at them from the doorway. Maybe this feverisn’t too bad after all…

ScorpioImmediately included a shot of their vaccination card as oneof their pics on Tinder. “I say, if you’ve got it – flauntit.”

SagittariusBragging to anyone who will listen that they got thevaccination back in February. Yes, your nicotine addictioncame in handy this time, but enjoy the view while you’re upthere because that high horse you’re riding won’t hold you forlong.

CapricornOver-analyzing the intimate moment when the woman whoadministered their vaccine placed the Band-Aid on their arm

and they felt their pulse quicken – did her fingers linger?

AquariusTheir love for sleuthing aside – trying to figure out who’sgot the vax and who’s just an anti-masker has given Aquarius abitch of a tension headache.

PiscesJust sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.

The Signs as MAPsBy Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion

AriesTheatrical Clowning: A Portal to Emotion and Gaslighting inthe Round

TaurusPee–wee Herman-eutics: A New Interpretation of 1980s AmericanChildren’s Television

GeminiThe Quantum Realm: Why the Physics in MarvelMovies Makes No Sense

CancerPlant Mythology: The Science Behind the Personificationof Nature

Leo90s Horror: Theatre and Dance in the Occult

VirgoBananabaBio-Power: Minions and the Foucaultian Panopticonin “Despicable Me”

LibraAstrological Destinies: How to Actually Write Horoscopes

ScorpioHormones, Pheromones and Fake Moans: The Chemistry of Sex

SagittariusPhalluses, Fallacies: Siege Weaponry of the Early ModernPeriod

CapricornPretty Little Liars: The Physiological Aesthetics of Post-Truth Politics

Aquarius HomoNeoliberal Loco-Motives: The Foundations of CriticalButtigieg Studies

PiscesSquirrelly Anthropomorphisms: Rodents in Iowan Imagery andFolklore

The Signs As Oddly SpecificFragrancesBy Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion

Aries“The Harris Afterparty”: The horrendous but nostalgiccombination of jungle juice, cigarette ash from the last 50years and the joy of finally getting control of the aux.

Taurus“Dish Line Darling”: The lush smell of the Dining Hall dishroom, spiced with notes of soap and the Nutella-smearedsausage clinging stubbornly to the trough. 

Gemini“The Cleve Whiff”: A provocative blend of burnt popcorn,loggia brick and … is that a skunk I smell? 

Cancer“Burling Breakdown”: The salt of all your wasted tears mixedwith the comforting must of the old fourth-floor hardcovers. 

Leo“Hot Girl Shit”: Mint, lime and white rum baby!

Virgo“Know it All”: The overt scent of fresh East Campus laundryand streaks of Sharpie wafting from The S&B articles youedited to shreds two nights before. 

Libra“The Flirt”: Jasmine dabbed on your neck and inner wriststransported in a bout of tactful touching during the workhour. 

Scorpio“The Hangover”: The strange but effective concoction of pipinghot menudo, Powerade and buttery pancakes. 

Sagittarius“New Year’s Eve”: Champagne, strawberries and cherry lip glossalready smeared on the mouth of your midnight kiss.

Capricorn“Post-Scrimmage Supper”: The rich tang of sweat dripping downyour back and drying in the waistband of your sweatpants.

Aquarius“When the Failure is Fresh”: The musk of mothballs and flakesof dried skin floating through the afternoon light to gentlyland on the artificial plasticky traces of your woven Ikearug. 

Pisces“Going Home”: A misty spring rain shower with hints of carexhaust.

The Signs entertainingthemselves in the town ofGrinnell on your averageSaturday morningBy Celestial Mistress, Celestial Maiden and Celestial Minion

AriesWalking all the way down the bike path, past the high schooland the abandoned fields before befriending a group of horses.They’ll have to shower when they get home; they vaguely smellof manure.

TaurusTrying on gowns at First Look Bridal Boutique, not a romanticpartner in sight but full of hopes for that ring by spring.

GeminiHeading over to Dari Barn for a cool and sweet treat soundslike the perfect pick-me-up on this warm Saturday, but takingso goddamn long to eventually just decide on a mini vanillasundae with cheesecake bites means their friends have alreadystarted walking back to campus, leaving them in the dust. Thispick-me-up has turned into a serious drag-me-down.

CancerChoreographing an interpretive dance in Central Park to thesymphonic musical stylings of the bird noise machine.

LeoStrolling over to Saints Rest with a stuffed backpack,including their organic chemistry binder, their Roman historyreading and of course, a little Octavia Butler, because theywill not be doing homework.

VirgoWaking up at the crack of dawn to get the first pick at GrinCity Bakery. You won’t catch a Virgo expecting there will beButtermilk Bars left at noon!

LibraEnding senior year with a bang by single-handedly revivingSouth Campus’ most holy tradition: Alice. You’ll find them

splayed on fresh grass, arguing with passersby that yes, theyhave now gained the ability to look directly into the sun. Itonly takes one to dig a rabbit hole!

ScorpioReady to stunt on all the middle schoolers at the GrinnellMutual Family Aquatic Center in the new monokini they snatchedfrom last year’s dorm dive.

SagittariusGoing to the skatepark to dust off their Walmart-brand boardbut getting too intimidated by the horde of seventh graderspulling tricks on the half-pipe. Just keep walking – past thepark and around the block. Walking with a skateboard is justas cool as riding one, right?

CapricornEnjoying the sunshine during a picnic with friends atop thehill at Ahrens Park trying to ignore the intrusive thoughtsreminding them of the last four Tinder dates they brought tothis very spot.

AquariusCooing and shaking a handful of sunflower seeds on the Burlingbalcony, but there’s not a vaccinated squirrel in sight …@grinnellcollegelibraries needs to answer for this.

PiscesSpeed-reading Made for Love on the fire escape between Looseand Read before their HBO Max free trial runs out, dodgingcigarette butts dropping from the third-floor landing.