HIJRA LIVES: NEGOTIATING SOCIAL EXCLUSION

AND IDENTITIES

Mrinalini Mazumdar

A Project Report Submitted In Partial Fulfilment Of The Requirements For The Degree Of Master Of Arts In Social Work

Centre for Community Organization and Development Practice School of Social Work

Tata Institute of Social Sciences 2016

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DECLARATION

I, Mrinalini Mazumdar, hereby declare that this dissertation entitled ‘Hijra Lives : Negotiating

Social Exclusion And Identities’ is the outcome of my own study undertaken under the guidance

of Dr. Sohini Sengupta, Assistant Professor, Centre for Community Organization and

Development Practice, School of Social Work, Tata Institute of Social Sciences, Mumbai. It has

not previously formed the basis for the award of any degree, diploma, or certificate of this

Institute or of any other institute or university. I have duly acknowledged all the sources used by

me in the preparation of this dissertation.

22nd March, 2016 Mrinalini Mazumdar

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CERTIFICATE

This is to certify that the dissertation entitled ‘Hijra Lives : Negotiating Social Exclusion And

Identities’ is the record of the original work done by Mrinalini Mazumdar under my guidance and

supervision. The results of the research presented in this dissertation/thesis have not previously

formed the basis for the award of any degree, diploma, or certificate of this Institute or any other

institute or university.

Dr. Sohini Sengupta

Assistant Professor

Centre for Community Organization and Development Practice

School of Social Work

22nd March, 2016 Tata Institute of Social Sciences

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CONTENTS

Acknowledgement v

Glossary vi

Abstract 1

Introduction 2

Childhood and Family 22

Apprenticeship and the World of Work 41

Love, Intimate Relationships and ‘Hijrapan’ 67

Conclusion 88

Bibliography 93

Appendix I 95

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

I would like to thank my research guide, Dr. Sohini Sengupta, who helped me channelize my

thoughts and ideas to come up with this research. Her inputs have been greatly valuable as she

always added a new perspective to my work and helped me view my work through a new lens

with our discussions and reflections.

I would like to take this opportunity to express my profound gratitude to Mohua mashi. She has

been my 'mirror' and helped me reflect everytime I felt lost in the maze of my own thoughts. She

has been my anchor for this research and has helped me understand my value as a researcher.

This research would not have been possible without all her help.

My sincerest gratitude to all the members of the NGO, especially Sarita didi and Pradeep bhaiya

for introducing me to my respondents and investing their time with me on the field. They truly

inspire me. I would also like to thank all my respondents who took out time to share their life

stories with me and for the love and care that they showered me with.

Additionally, I would like to thank Arushi, with whom I could bounce off ideas and vent my

frustrations and victories. I thank my mamai, for helping me in more than one way through this

process. A special thanks to my dog Rudy for being there by my side throughout the time I wrote

this research. His presence has been therapeutic. I would also like to thank Amit Mehta for

distracting me when I needed it the most. Heartfelt gratitude towards my babo who supported me

and tried to keep all my unnecessary worries at bay, while I focussed on my research. I would

like to make a special mention for my dadai who silently stood by me and had faith in my ability

to fulfill the goals I set out for. I really wish didai were there to see my work, but I thank her for

looking out for me from above.

My research would not have been what it is today without all the individuals I mentioned above.

Thank you once again!

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GLOSSARY

Janaani - male who identifies as female, typically used by hijras to refer to

themselves; this is also similar to Persian-hindi – ‘zanana’ – pertaining to women

Apnapan - feeling of belongingness

Majboori - compulsion

Didi - literally meaning sister; has been used during the course of the research to refer

to hijras

Dupatta - scarf (all didis wore it to cover their heads in the presence of others, much

like all traditional Indian women)

Bhaang - weed

Hijra - this word was used by the respondents to refer to themselves as a transgender

(even before joining the hijra community) due to the lack of a better word in hindi,

however it has been distinguished based its literal definition and how they used it in a

particular context.

Chakka - rude way of referring to transgender individuals

Toli badhai - traditional occupation of singing and dancing on auspicious occasions

Giriya - used to refer to a hijra's boyfriend/husband (partner)

Guru-chela relationship - mentor-disciple relationship

Ilaka - area

ISBT adda - also referred to as bus adda – The Inter-State Bus Terminus is a common

site of work for hijras

Taali - clap

Kadhe - it’s a word in the hijra language - farsi and is used to refer to male-to-female

transgenders who dress like men

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ABSTRACT

This research explores the lived realities of transgenders who enter the Hijra community and the

various forms of social exclusion that these individuals face and the ways in which they respond,

thereby shaping their identity. It focuses on the lives of the transgenders that helps construct their

identity as a 'hijra'. The symbolic interactionist perspective and labelling theory are used as

theoretical anchors. Some of the main forms of exclusion that the respondents spoke of are

familial ostracisation, physical and verbal abuse, forced sex, extortion of money and materials by

the police and arrests on false allegations; restricted access to education, health services and

public spaces and a severe curtailment of livelihood options. One of the significant coping

mechanisms is the process of becoming members of a hijra community and enrolling in a 'guru-

chela' relationship. In exploring the nuances of this turn and the experience of exclusion, the

study contributes to a discussion on the implementation of affirmative action of the state.

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CHAPTER 1

INTRODUCTION

I have always been intrigued by 'the unusual', 'the unexplained' and 'the misunderstood', because

despite my apprehensions, it also always made me wonder, 'why?' Individuals, part of the

transgender community in India, known commonly as 'hijras' have inherently always been

introduced to children from a very young age. As new borns, they are the ones who bless us even

before our first rice ceremony, as children, once we develop cognitive abilities, we see them in

family weddings or when we or our close ones shift to new houses and so on. Despite this

informal introduction to this community, as a child I remember being pulled close to an adult and

made to stay close by their side in the presence of these individuals who seemed 'different' and

nobody cared to explain 'why?'.

Given this ambiguity, one starts to develop their own perceptions, based on the reactions of

people around them. I must confess, so did I. One day, this changed as I got startled at a red light

by a hijra asking for money, seeing my reaction, I could see it made that individual angry and

uncomfortable, but I realized that such a reaction also had an affect. My next encounter with a

hijra was when I decided to acknowledge the hijra's presence and smiled. Seeing the hijra's

reaction after this encounter is what motivated me to transform my curiosity into this research

study.

On my first day in the field, as I approached the yellow building towards which I had been

directed, I remember feeling extremely anxious. Maybe because it was the first day of my

fieldwork or maybe because I had let the others get to me. Before starting data collection,

whoever I spoke to told me that I was going to have a hard time with the hijra community as they

are too closed off and are often very rude. I was told to be careful and be cautious at all times, as

it could be unsafe for me, especially in the areas I would find them. However, trying to suppress

the anxiety, I walked towards a dark, dingy alley with puddles of dirty water. I began to walk up

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a broken flight of stairs with no railings. This obviously, did not help my anxiety much. Just then,

I heard someone running down and as she saw me, she held my hand and we exchanged huge

smiles. Immediately, I felt a strange sense of relief. Relief from that unexplained anxiety. She

was Sanjana didi, a hijra who worked part time in the NGO office. She became my first

respondent and this was how my journey with the hijra community began.

Throughout this journey, I saw my motivation evolve; the motivation for this research. It

progressed from curiosity to interest, then to a passion. A passion to do something for the

transgender community even beyond this research. In all those weeks I spent interacting with

hijras and other members of the LGBT community, I felt accepted and respected. I cannot deny

that these feelings played a great role in my evolving motivation. However, it led to one very

frustrating question in my mind - if they could accept and respect a complete outsider who is with

them purely for her own interest and is giving them nothing in return, then what stops us

'outsiders' from extending the same courtesy to them?

The time spent with them was not simply a journey for me as a researcher, it benefited me

personally as well. It helped me see myself in a completely different light and made me question

my identity very often. Here, I do not mean my sexual identity (as one might immediately think),

but simply my sense of being and how all my experiences have today, formed who I am. In

retrospect, it was probably my most cherished experience as I learnt so much, not just about

many individuals who are part of a community but also about myself.

In this research, even though I attempt to understand 'Hijra identities', I have treated each

respondent as an individual. Yet, individuals in a specific context, that being the hijra community.

I have attempted to trace the journey of a transgender, who becomes a hijra, after joining the

community.

Here, I would like to clarify that while all hijras are transgenders, all transgenders are not hijras.

Being a transgender relates to one's gender/sexual orientation whereas being a hijra is the close

association or belonging with a community that has its own rules, behaviour, sentiments and

beliefs. While I emphasize the difference between a transgender and a hijra, I also attempt to

understand these characteristics peculiar to the community and how it affects the identity of a

transgender who resorts to joining the community as a result of many factors such as oppression

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and violence within the family and the subsequent ostracization, economic conditions and a need

to find acceptance as well as employment in alternative structures, among many others.

“Transgender is generally described as an umbrella term for persons whose gender identity,

gender expression or behavior does not conform to their biological sex”. The term “transgender”,

in contemporary usage, is used to describe a wide range of identities and experiences, including

but not limited to pre-operative, post-operative and non-operative transsexual people, who

strongly identify with the gender opposite to their biological sex; male and female (SC judgment,

2014). In India, 'Hijra'1 is term used to refer to transwomen (male-to-female transsexual or

transgender individuals).

In India, this social category has been a recent addition to the census. The data about the size of

this community is largely inaccurate and there is very little information, knowledge and

understanding about them. Despite their seemingly invisible status in official records, members

of the transgender community inhabit a crucial space and are very much a part of our public

worlds. It is well known that in urban communities, they are invited to perform their customarily

ordained roles during auspicious occasions. The response that members of the transgender

community draw from society at large, does not stop at their invisibilization but also includes

withdrawal, disdain, anger and violence from various actors. These negative and prejudicial

responses are most visible when members of such groups try to access their entitlements, pubic

facilities or deal with officials.

This research focuses on the transgender community, specifically, the Hijras in India. My

research attempts to explore the lived realities of transgenders who enter the Hijra community. It

focuses on the various phases in the lives of the transgender that helps them to construct their

identity as a 'hijra'. The research also attempts to understand the various forms of social exclusion

that transgender individuals face and the ways in which they respond, thereby shaping their

identity. Through this research, I attempt to understand a different system of rules, behaviours,

sentiments and beliefs, prevailing in the hijra community.

This study attempts to elucidate the complex ways in which Hijras experience exclusion, and the 1 As explained by Pamment (2010), hijras are socially considered less than a man, but they take on a persona that is also more than a woman, whereby they portray a comically exaggerated initation of femininity, that is incongruous to conventional female demeanor.

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ways in which they negotiate their identities. The study draws insights from social theories such

as symbolic interactionism and labelling theory to analyze the experiences of social exclusion of

members of the Hijra community. The research aims to create awareness about the community as

well as the individual members' identity with focus on their lived realities in order to enable

transgender people to overcome the challenges they face in society. This has been done with the

aim of enabling the implementation of affirmative action by the state.

LITERATURE REVIEW

The existing literature on the transgender community focuses on a unidimensional understanding

of exclusion faced by this community. This inadequacy of the research on the hijra community

stems from the fact that many studies were conducted in the context of interventionist projects to

alleviate their condition (Bockting et al., 2005, Brener et al., 2013). There is very little research

on the subjective experiences of exclusion among this community. The available literature on this

subject focuses on issues such as HIV/AIDS2 and tries to establish a causal relationships between

behaviour, identity, community and their problems (Chakrapani et al., 2011). The focus in these

studies, seems to be on the diminishing sense of responsibility and increasing risk taking

behaviour, particularly in terms of STIs/HIV (Khan et al., 2009). This not only marginalizes and

excludes these populations by targeting the transgender people as repositories of the

virus/perpetrators and branding them as high risk groups (Goel and Nayar, 2012), but also

undermines the depth and significance of their experiences of exclusion.

Therefore, my research aims to address this lacuna as it would enable institutions such as the

government, educational institutions and the likes to effectively orient their inclusive practices, as

mandated by the Supreme Court judgment of 2014. This would also help implement the court

ruling which came after hearing a petition filed by a group of transgenders demanding equal

rights. The supreme court recognised the hijra community as a marginalised group. The ruling

also directed authorities to implement policies to improve their socio-economic status. This

would be achieved by recognizing the third gender for the purpose of all official documents and

extending protective discrimination through reservation in educational institutions and

2 When an additional stigma, such as that of HIV/AIDS is attached to such groups, the results are further damaging for these groups as well as the society at large because extreme social exlusion diminishes not just self-esttem but also the sense of social responsibility (Nemoto et al., 2010).

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government jobs by being included in the OBC category. However, in order to implement this

ruling effectively, the society must understand these identities in order for them to be 'included'.

Therefore this research aims to trace the life of a transgender individuals who enter the

community of hijras, to be able to carve out a life for themselves, seeking legitimacy and

inclusion. Their experiences of transformation and exclusion forms an important part of their

identity and therefore must be understood in order to fulfill the claims made in the well-meaning

judgment. However, for academic purposes, their lived experiences brings to the fore some less

explored nuances in the study of social exclusion.

Discussing Gender, Differentiating Sex

Gender identities3 are central to who we are and how we behave. Transgenders clearly represent

the 'other', those who remain outside the gender binary and therefore, one of the fundamental

organising principles of social life.

A discussion of the gender binary seems pertinent in this research. The gender binary refers to the

classification of the population into two distinct groups of male and female. A correspondence

between bodily characteristics, gender, sexuality and performativity is considered essential.

Being born with a penis translates into the child being classified as male and those born with a

vagina are categorized as female. These characteristics are linked with the formation of gender

which then must correspond with the prescribed norms of sexuality. That is, a male must be

attracted to a female and vice versa. At another level, these prescribed gender roles are

performative whereby men are expected to adopt masculine behaviour and women must display

feminine characteristics. It is when one tries to negotiate with these norms, the gender binary is

challenged. Therefore, a male displaying feminine characteristics is seen as a disrupting this

binary but at the same time one can critique this by saying that the man trying to perform the

female role is reaffirming the gender binary. This reaffirmation takes place more so because of

the performance of the masculine and feminine roles as per the socially prescribed norms,

keeping the gender binary intact (Butler, 1988).

Sex is what is biologically determined whereas gender can be viewed as more fluid and can vary 3 Bochenek and Knight (2012) define gender identity as each person’s deeply felt internal and individual experience of gender, which may or may not correspond with the sex assigned at birth, including the personal sense of the body which may involve a freely chosen, modification of bodily appearance or functions by medical, surgical or other means and other expressions of gender, including dress, speech and mannerisms.

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despite of one's biological sex. Sex is a biological construct that encapsulates the anatomical,

physiological, genetic, and hormonal variation that exists in species. It has also been emphasized

that the categories of male, female, other etc are relative to place and time and not biologically

inherent. This is because different cultures interpret sex variation based on its subjective

understanding and context (Johnson and Repta, 2012).

Gender on the other hand, refers to the attitudes, feelings, and behaviors that a given culture

associates with a person’s biological sex. Behavior that is compatible with cultural expectations

is referred to as gender-normative; behaviors that are viewed as incompatible with these

expectations constitute gender non-conformity (Ehrensaft, 2011). Gender too, like sex, is a

multidimesional construct. It builds on biological sex to give meaning to sex differences,

categorizing individuals with labels such as woman, man and hijra, among others.

Feminist theories discuss androgyny where the rigid dualism of male and female is broken and

the inter-mingling of male and female characteristics in each individual is accepted. The

androgynous person is seen as one who can engage freely in both feminine and masculine

behaviours and as one who is equally capable of both feminine and masculine tasks and does not

prefer one above the other. Androgyny is a gender identity that is distinct from the sex of the

body. lt is not biological nor is it synonymous with sexual behaviour, nor necessarily indicative

of sexual preference (Woodhill and Samuels, 2004).

According to Nanda (1999:114) “Gender identity is the private experience of gender role, that

sameness, unity, and persistence of one's individuality as male, female, or androgynous,

especially as experienced in self awareness and behavior. Gender role is everything that a person

says and does to indicate to others or to the self the degree that one is either male, female, or

androgynous. This includes, but is not limited to, sexual and erotic arousal and response.”

Nanda appears to be making a distinction between gender identity and gender role and defines

gender identity as a private experience, whereas I explore gender identity as being dynamically

constitutive of private and public domains. The above quote from Nanda's work is in fact a

glaring instance of how the understanding of Hijra identity is caught between such dualistic

categories of the private and the public; the gender binary, identity and role; thereby overlooking

the dynamic relationship between all of these in people's experiences.

Gannon (2007) argues that asexuality, castration, religion, the bodies of Hijras as sex workers

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and their performance of gender, function together to construct the gender as well as sexual

identity of the Hijra.

Judith Butler(1990) describes how the boundaries of the body as per the socially prescribed

norms, reaffirm and naturalize taboos. It is when this line is crossed, that a person is considered

to be polluted or having developed a negative condition which is seen as a danger. This type of

pollution/danger only occurs when the lines of structure are clearly defined.

These prescribed boundaries of the body are maintained in order to ensure social regulation

whereas, bodies based on their sex/sexuality are repulsed, only to consolidate the culturally

hegemonic identities further. This exclusion consolidates identities by creating the “other”, who

live on the margins and do not fall under the socially constituted gender binary.

When talking about sexuality, it is infused with certain norms that links sexual attraction and

expression with the formation of gender identities, in a way that sexuality equals heterosexuality

(Mackinnon, 1989). One of the forms of disruption lies in taking away the masculine identity

from the biological male. Gender, when seen as performative can also have punitive

consequences if not performed 'correctly'. Judith Butler(1990) argues that it is the various acts

associated with gender that creates the very idea of gender, without which there would be no

gender at all.

Tracing identity formation through history

Historically, the corporeal act of emasculation4 is considered to be at the centre of the hijra

identity. Taparia(2011) attempts to trace the meaning of the hijra identity from the Mughal era to

contemporary times by focussing on the link between sexuality, economic gain and livelihood

and political power . This study5 demonstrates that this link was being used by kings as a power

enhancement machanism. For instance, emasculated men (hijras) were commoditised and

exchanged as slaves, known to remain loyal to their masters and protect harems as they did not

4 The ritual of emasculation and other similar rituals associated with religious devotion was used by the Hijras as a collective cohesive group of people, who engaged in the creation of a shared pool of knowledge that offers them a sense of oneness as a community (Taparia, 2011). 5 The study also showed how the hijras exercised their agency by taking refuge in religion to escape the criminalization hijras that took place after the end of the Islamic traditions, by the colonial rulers. They deployed their position through religion creatively, to reconstruct their identities and demand their rightful place in society (Taparia, 2011)

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threaten the masculinity of the kings and ensured the exclusivity of the women in the harem

towards the kings. They were also given other high administrative positions owing to their

loyalty towards the king resulting from the abandonment from any other community or familial

life.

Apparently, these positions were of privilege, however, as Taparia (2011) explains, these

positions were given in order to serve the interests of those in power.

In addition to blessing auspicious occasions, in contemporary times, the hijras are engaged in sex

work and begging. The former, however, serves to maintain historical continuity and is also used

as a mechanism of alignment with the traditional Indian society, marked by the caste system,

through occupational status.

Drawing from Taparia's argument, the corporeal act of emasculation was central to the creation

of the marginal, the citizen who does not fall into the established socially accepted gender binary.

In the changing socio-political contexts, hijras took recourse to mythology and religion to

validate and give meaning to their identities. The very basis of their marginal status, is therefore

used by them as a means of livelihood, struggle for survival and as a way of resisting

discriminatory structures and attitudes. This fusion of their castration, the means to attain

economic security and their subjugated status as well as the lack of rights is what perpetuates

their exclusion.

Understanding social exclusion

For the purpose of this research, I understand the meaning of social exclusion to be “an

accumulation of confluent processes with successive ruptures arising from the heart of the

economy, politics and society, which gradually distances and places persons, groups,

communities and territories in a position of inferiority in relation to centres of power, resources

and prevailing values” (Estivill, 2003). This understanding of social exclusion emphasizes the

structural dimensions of exclusion.

The Hijra community faces exclusion6 due the failure of the society to recognize them as a

6 Factors such as poverty, gender non-conformity, sexuality, engagement in heavily stigmatized practices such as sex work and injection drug use along with incarceration, individually or in combination, can determine the extent to which an individual or group is socially included or excluded from access to information and services (Sugano et al., 2006).

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separate gendered identity beyond the male-female dichotomy.

Dominant ideologies such as heteronormativity7 as being the 'acceptable norm, arise from and are

manifested through individuals and institutions that include families and the state. It seeks to

regulate the sexuality of all individuals irrespective of their caste, class, religion or sex in the

effort to maintain the inequitable distribution of resources, power, safe spaces and the likes,

resulting in a restrictive expression of human sexuality and people's human rights (Sharma and

Nath, 2005). This further deprives them from positioning themselves in society as humans with

agency, potential and security8.

Experiences of exclusion begin within their families when expectations of fulfilling gender roles

by their children do not take place. Experiences may include negligence, humiliation and abusive

incidents (Khan et al., 2009). Vulnerable groups9 such as those belonging to lower classes or a

minority gender suffer from economic disadvantage as well as various forms of symbolic

devaluation that are reproduced in everyday social practice. Therefore, social exclusion relates to

both economic as well as socio-cultural processes of impoverishment (Kabeer, 2008 cited in

Hickey and Toit, 2012). Social exclusion that is based on gender inequalities is the product of

institutional processes, group dynamics and social practices (Jackson, 1999 cited in Hickey and

Toit, 2012).

“In the social world, whether one is welcomed, represented, or provided for by the mainstream,

or whether one is ostracized, ignored, or bemired, the outcome is a collection of social practices.

These social practices result from various degrees of intimacy and interactions between friends,

strangers, families, colleagues, kinship groups, communities, cultures, and even whole societies. ”

(Allman, 2013:1)

7 Heteronormativity refers to cultural/social practices that coerce men and women into believing and behaving as if heterosexuality were the only conceivable sexuality. It also implies the positioning of heterosexuality as the only way of being ‘normal’ and as the key source of social reward (Flowers and Buston, 2001) 8 The impact of higher level influences such as laws, public policies, social norms and cultures remain unfavourable to vulnerable communities such as that of transgenders, thereby creating a hostile environment for the integration and needs of such groups (Keatley et al., 2004). 9 Among the forces that render them such vulnerability, homophobic and transphobic stigma and discrimination play a major role along with human rights violations and the absence of legal frameworks offering protection (Khan et al., 2009).

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Pocock (as cited in Allman, 2013:2) believed that processes of inclusion and exclusion were

features of all hierarchies and that it is used to define the social positioning of groups in a

hierarchically structured society. In this context, the community of hijras, which remains isolated

from the society at large, act to protect and defend themselves against the injustices, oppression

and intolerance inflicted upon them by 'superior' actors in the hierarchical society. This inturn, is

used by the society as a way to legitimize the community's exclusion as they are perceived as a

'gated community', unwilling to accomodate 'others', thereby creating a cultural space structured

by exclusion (Allman, 2005).

Mainstream society fails to accept those who venture beyond the male-female gender norm and

therefore those who choose to live beyond this continuum become easy targets of humiliation and

harassment. This further leads to a life without dignity for the hijras, whereby their deprivations

are rooted in the non-recognition as a 'differently gendered' human being beyond the binary.

Additionally, social exclusion of this nature is detrimental to their self-esteem and reduces their

sense of social responsibility (Khan et al., 2009). The respondents of this research, much like the

respondents of the various researches that have been conducted in the past and as cited in this

study, claim that mainstream society does not understand their culture, gender and sexuality, let

alone their aspirations, hopes and dreams.

CONCEPTUAL FRAME AND THEORETICAL PERSPECTIVES

For the purpose of this research, I have drawn from symbolic interactionism as well as labelling

theory, whereby I have used it for the analysis of the narratives, as shared by the respondents.

Symbolic interactionism is a theoretical framework that focuses on how individual interactions

between people influence their behaviour and how these interactions can impact society.

According to G.H. Mead, society is made up of symbols that teach us how to understand the

world (Mead and Mind, 1934). In the case of Hijras, the interaction they have within and outside

their community helps them form their identity and further validates it. This interaction is both

positive and negative. I have explored how they create a social space for themselves through

mutual interaction and the ways in which their identities are constructed in that process.

The perception they form of themselves is heavily influenced by the perception that the society

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holds of them and subsequently how society expresses it.

This expression informs not only their behaviour, but also has a deep impact on their aspirations.

For instance, on being constantly taunted by being called a hijra (an identity with a negative

connotation), from a very young age, pushes the individuals to identify themselves as hijras,

eventhough they simply might be transgenders (not associated to the community of hijras), or in

the case of the respondents in the research, males who identify as females. At the young age of 6-

10, mostly when the individuals begin to realize that they are 'different' and unlike others of the

same sex, they are not aware of a community or identity of hijras. It is over time, when they

realize that it is only that group that provides acceptance to them, they feel that the hijra

community is the only place where they would not be condemned for being themselves. This

community subsequently provides many other opportunities and the emotional support that the

individual has longed for their entire lives, and thereby also shapes the individual's identity as a

hijra. This social theory has also been an integral part of the research process, whereby, I, as a

researcher, located myself in the everyday life of the subjects and was aware of the meanings I

ascribed to the interactions with them.

In order to delve into the kind of exclusions face by the community, I tried to use the lens of

labelling theory. Labels are often conferred upon minorities, who are seen to be deviant from

standard cultural norms and such labels often construct the identity and behaviours of those

individuals for whom such terms and labels are used to describe and classify them. It is therefore

interesting to try and understand the impact of the labels and categories society ascribes to

individuals, and the response it generates. Labelling individuals not only alters their self-concept

but also the tangible aspects of social exclusion. There is evidence that supports the notion that

the stigmatization of labels can exclude individuals from mainstream opportunities such as

education and employment, thereby multiplying the effects of social exclusion. Labelling

therefore, has the ability to stigmatize individuals in ways that may push them further away from

conventional society, negatively impacting the individual's available choices (Restivo and Lanier,

2015). This also informs the person's self-concept and identity as well as the response that

conventional individuals have towards the labelled individual.

In the case of transgender individuals, they are labelled as 'chakkas' or 'hijras' from a very young

age. This labelling is done by members of the society in many different ways and on numerous

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occasions. The label of a hijra, intrigues the individual as much as it insults them, till it reaches a

point where the individual is compelled to believe that they in fact, fit within the label of a 'hijra'

and subsequently join the community due to the lack of acceptance in the 'normal society'.

Labelling theory highlights societal reactions to deviance from the norm, whereby transgender

persons are considered a disruptive force that alters a carefully manicured society. According to

Raybeck (n.d.), “Deviance refers to any human attribute (behavior, appearance, belief) that

departs sufficiently from a norm to elicit a sanction (a response from others intended to terminate,

or at least moderate, the unacceptable behavior)(p. 3).” Such manifestations of deviance can not

only alter the nature of cultural context but may also lead to the emergence of new cultural

patterns. As a response to this deviance of gender, based on the culturally constructed patterns of

meaning, in the case of transgenders, the departure from what is considered 'normal', is clearly

considered unnatural and deviant. It then results in alternative ways of being which creates a

flexibility in the socio-cultural system that would otherwise be absent. Therefore, for such

individuals facing pressures for change, the deviant behavior becomes the accepted cultural

pattern in another community, where such behaviours are not considered deviant, but infact the

norm. However, this elicits behaviours of individuals or acts of the apparatus of the state that

intend to promote conformity to social norms and this behaviour is called a sanction (Raybeck,

n.d). This maybe in the form of a frown of disagreement to ridicule and gossip and such sanctions

are used to control day-to-day deviance.

Exploring the links

There is a need to question whose or which labels count and the consequences it produces. Using

Mead's symbolic interactionism theory, various proponents of labelling theory (earlier used to

categorize deviants) advanced the theory by proposing that people build and re-form their

identities/self-concept through ongoing interactions within society such that the 'identity' of a

person is profoundly shaped by the ways in which others identify and react to the labelled

individuals. This perpetuates stigmatization of those considered to have a the deviant label and

causes the individuals to take on the deviant identity more, than if they had not been so labelled.

Therefore, such labelling is both powerful and consequential, especially when promoted by

authoritative state agents such as police, courts, government officials and the society in general.

(Moncrieffe, J., & Eyben, R., 2013).

14

Using these arguments as a theoretical base has helped me identify nuanced aspects about the

Hijra identity. It has also informed my understanding about their behaviour and the tactics they

use to negotiate the stigma and exclusion meted out to them by the society.

RESEARCH QUESTIONS

What are the lived experiences of exclusion and discrimination10 of the hijra community and how

do they negotiate these obstacles in their everyday lives?

a) What are the various experiences of social exclusion faced by transgenders?(police harassment,

mainstream employment, education, violence, access to public spaces)

b) How do the members of this community negotiate such experiences in the public and private

spheres?

OBJECTIVES

To outline the kinds of discrimination faced by the hijra community in their public/private sphere.

To understand the ways in which they form and negotiate their identities, means of livelihoods

and their everyday lives.

To articulate the concept of social exclusion through the experiences of the transgender

community.

METHODOLOGY

Design

For this study, exploratory research design has been used to explore the different experiences of

social exclusion and discrimination faced by the Hijra community. Since the focus of this

research was to understand the subjective experiences of this group, this research design was

10 For the purpose of the research, I have understood the term discrimination in the context of sexual minorities such as hijras. As explained by Roque and Rodríguez (2012) discrimination is seen as any distinction, exclusion, restriction or preference based on sexual orientation or gender identity which has the purpose or effect of nullifying or impairing equality before the law or the equal protection of the law, or the recognition, enjoyment or exercise, on an equal basis, of all human rights and fundamental freedoms.

15

considered most suitable. The ways in which the community negotiates with such experiences

has also been explored in this study. The researcher went into the field with an open mind and

explored the ground realities of the various experiences of the Hijras. The research is qualitative

in nature and the method of case study has been used to look into the different aspects of the

distinct forms of discrimination and exclusion experienced by the Hijras. Case study has been

used because the kind of information that the researcher aimed to look at was very personal. Also,

a deeper understanding of the subject matter under consideration was achieved through this

method.

Sampling

The universe of the sample in this research was transgender individuals who identified as Hijras.

It included those who are living either within the community as part of the community or the

Hijras who are living independently outside the community but still have strong bonds within the

community. In addition to this, one man who had been in a relationship with the guru of the

community and who was recognized as the husband was also interviewed to gather additional

data. Some conversation with the NGO members, that also included 'kotis' (effeminate men) who

were closely associated with this community, were also recorded to enrich the data. This sample

is chosen to get an insight into their day-to-day living and the challenges that they face as a result

of being part of this community. The study was conducted in Delhi, specifically in in East and

North Delhi, where many of the respondents associated with the NGO resided and worked. Being

a city so rich in its history, it amalgamates people across many cultures and regions. Hence, one

found Hijras from varied geographical locations within the city. Finding varied respondents

added a fresh perspective to the research study.

Sampling technique

Purposive and convenience sampling technique was used in this research study as the sample was

selected based on a desired purpose. The data collection was facilitated by an NGO based in

Delhi. The organization identified transgenders who identified as being Hijras, who then

willingly shared their life histories. The sample fulfilled the characteristics required to achieve

the desired objectives of the study. Then snowball sampling technique was applied. It was used

because the sample under study is usually hidden and difficult to access. The Hijras are a closed

16

community and have strong networking among them so it helped identify them by this sampling

technique.

I conducted interviews with 12 Hijras. Among them, some were living in the community and

others lived outside the community, but they too had strong ties with the community.

Data collection and analysis

For the first phase of data collection, a survey was used to understand the profile of the

community as well as to identify the broad issues to be explored. The tool used for the next phase

was an unstructured interview schedule through which in-depth information was obtained. The

interview schedule included a combination of open ended and closed ended questions and was

used as a checklist. It gave freedom to the interviewer to ask questions in a sequence that would

make the respondent feel most at ease. It also provided scope to probe for more elaborate answers.

However, the order of questions kept changing as the respondents were narrating very personal

events and in order to maintain the flow and respect their sentiments, the conversation was kept

flexible. Some of the questions were modified, based on the nature of information being shared

by the respondents.

The interviews were done face-to-face to have a better understanding of the responses and to gain

in-depth knowledge of the subject matter. There was sometimes a need to speak to the

respondents more than once and therefore full days over a span of two months was spent with the

respondents besides the interview process, so as to build rapport and continue the conversation at

a later time.

During the whole process, observation was used as a tool to gain insight about the community.

This was done by accompanying willing respondents to their workplace or their homes if possible.

Interviews were conducted after an informal introduction and in addition to the interviews, two

months were spent observing the members of the Hijra community in their homes, in social

gatherings like marriages and during their work.

Some of the interviews were conducted in the NGO office, whereas some were conducted in the

their homes and workplaces such as the ISBT 'bus adda' where they went to beg. I also engaged

in casual long dialogues with various members of the the community including gurus, chelas and

the husbands of the Hijras.

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Insights from the NGO members and employees which also included kotis and hijras were an

essential part of informing the research. I actively participated in the daily activities of the hijras

by eating with them, accompanying them to the 'bus adda', listening to them sing and engage in

conversation amongst themselves in 'farsi' (a language used specifically amongst members of this

community), and attending marriage functions as well as daily conversations over snacks and tea.

I also conducted visits to 'Deras' (community households) where the guru held monthly meetings

and where many chelas (newcomers assigned to a particular leader) resided to gather more

information. The data collection was completed over a period of two months in Delhi.

Multiple meetings during the course of data collection helped break the ice and develop a rapport

with the respondents. Most of the interviews were conducted in private, with no family or

community member or others around, which helped the respondents re-think past events and

remember other associated experiences and give frank answers. The interviews were recorded on

the phone with the participant's consent and transcribed subsequently. Other written narration and

field notes were also referred to as it gave more insight into the hijra community's behaviour,

feelings, aspirations and other aspects of their identity. I behaved in a friendly manner that gave

the hijras an assurance of acceptance on my part, as a researcher. Additionally, personal questions,

if posed by the respondent, were also answered to build trust and a feeling of mutual sharing of

experiences. This also facilitated answers, especially of personal nature and created a sense of

understanding between the researcher and respondents. Sitting on the floor with the hijras in their

homes and workplace, drinking tea with and eating from their hands when offered also increased

the comfort level of the respondents with the me and vice versa. This was also done to overcome

the apprehension of the hijras that was sensed. This was made clear as some respondents

confessed that they presumed that I might have felt/was feeling a sense of discomfort in their

presence, much like others do.

Data analysis is the most important part of the research process. It helps the researcher

understand the data that was collected and reflect on it.

In this particular study, data analysis was done manually, without the assistance of any technical

software. Data for analysis included transcripts of audio recordings from the in-depth interviews

as well as typed field notes from all data collection activities. It was a process that involved

rigorous and detailed reading of the transcribed interviews multiple times, after which codes were

18

identified and broad themes were deduced. Subsequently, the data was thematically organized for

further analysis. Simultaneously, the field notes taken during the data collection were perused to

find and organize the links between my observations and transcripts. Most of the data was kept in

Hindi (through the coding process), as that was the primary language used by the respondents and

so as to not lose the essence of the responses, however, they were translated to be used in the

research. The narratives have been presented with some thematic editing and pulling together

aspects that occurred at disparate points in the narrative, but which belonged together

thematically. There has been effort made to try and capture some of the rhythms and idioms used

by the participants during the narration of their story, and therefore some grammatical errors have

not been corrected. Some of the stories are also presented with the internal contradictions that

they came with as they have been treated as part of the process of trying to bring coherence in the

midst of complex experiences and therefore, and has been analysed as such. The analysis brought

out various patterns and relationships within the data that was useful to understand the various

ways in which hijras negotiate their identities and the ways in which they contemplate their lives

outside the known social network they resort to inside the hijra community. This process helped

bring out similarities and differences between the various interviews which further enriched the

research findings.

CHALLENGES

The study was intended to uncover the lived experiences of the hijras in the city of Delhi,

focusing on aspects of social exclusion and identity formation.

One of the limitations of this research is that because it is based on fieldwork with a close-knit

community, a coherent collective narrative emerges. Due to the lack of time, it was not possible

to effectively cross-check and triangulate some aspects of this coherent narrative. One of the

ways that I have dealt with this problem is by careful reading between the lines to present not just

what people were telling me but also that which is hidden or silenced.

Since many of the respondents were from outside of Delhi and the few who were from Delhi had

no ties with their families, the case studies did not have the advantage of voices from their

families. Additionally, while the issue of intersectionalities in terms of caste did arise, I could

only examine how this was negotiated by some of the hijras. Possibly a more full-fledged study

could bring out the complexities of caste, class and non-conforming gender identities.

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ETHICAL CONCERNS

Various ethical dilemmas were faced and dealt with during the process of the research. Since

sexuality and gender are sensitive and personal issues, I had to be sensitive to the kinds of

questions asked. I, as a researcher, had to ensure that I communicated a sense of respect to all the

individuals who were part of the study.

Further, consent and confidentiality had to be considered with utmost sincerity. Therefore,

consent was taken prior to the interview from all the participants. However, verbal consent was

taken in order to avoid a situation that could invoke fear and suspicion amongst the participants.

Consent was also taken before recording the interviews. Confidentiality of the participants was

recognized and respected. Each participant was taken into confidence that the information shared

by them would not be revealed anywhere apart from the dissertation and that their real names

would not be used.

I also had to be comfortable revealing aspects of my own life. The respondents very often asked

similar questions as was directed to them. This sometimes created a dilemma; the extent to which

personal details could be revealed and whether that would compromise my professional position

as a researcher.

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CHAPTER 2

CHILDHOOD AND FAMILY

Throughout the research, the respondents have been referred to as 'she' as they expressed the

desire to be addressed with the said pronoun, during the interviews and conversations.

Navnisha's house was situated in a filthy lane, swamped with flies, open gutters and people

gambling while making 'bhaang' (weed). After walking for sometime, I reached a tiny flight of

stairs, which led me to Navnisha. Her house was a room where she managed to fit her bed,

belongings and her kitchen. She fit her utensils under the big bed which was at the left corner of

the room. Everything was kept in its place neatly and the whole room was spotless. Despite lane

leading up to her house smelling of rotten garbage, her house did not even have a trace of it. In

fact, it had a distinct 'home smell', one that we all have but at the same time is distinct. She

greeted me warmly and insisted on making tea, even though she had been feeling unwell. The

stove was kept on the ground right outside the door of her room and she had arranged the cups

and plates beside it. She took two cups and filled them with tea. We sat down with our cups and

she began telling me about her journey as a hijra. She was shy at first and blushed as I asked her

to speak. She coyly said, “aap pucho, mein bataungi” (you ask, and I will tell you).

Formation of identity, aspiring for legitimacy

Self-narratives can be seen as a way people use story-telling to give meaning to themselves.

However, it is also an interactive process through which the narratives are created. This informs

and strengthens the formation of their identity as individuals with a differently gendered 'true self'

(Mason-Schrock, 1996). One of the most significant aspects of the narratives was that the hijras

felt a need to communicate and establish the understanding of their own location in the gender

continuum. For this, they had to look beyond their natural bodies as it was a site that was

conflicted, clearly open to multiple interpretations, and bore the stigma of 'difference'.

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Transgenders look for evidence beyond their natural body to find signs of their true self and as

was found from the research, the first place they look is their own past. They recall past events,

beginning from their childhood, to convey the signs they first noticed and which helped them

understand themselves as being 'different'. Additionally, Hijras also learn from others in the

community, ways to find biographical evidence of a differently gendered 'true self', in order to

express their identity as a transgender (Mason-Schrock, 1996). The participants of this research

started their narrating their stories by recalling their childhood characteristics as being 'girly'. The

male-to-female transgenders felt like they were girls born in a wrong-sexed body and never truly

identified as a boy, that never truly captured their 'true self'. In order to be sure and secure of

expressing their female true selves, they invoked evidence from their past, even as they spoke to

me. In a sense, they re-interpreted their past experiences as evidence of their transgendered

identity. This would include early memories of doing gender in an unconventional manner, such

as washing dishes (engaging in household chores), being interested in boys, taking interest in

singing and dancing as well as dressing up, amongst other things.

“Bachpan se hee mein saara ghar ka kaam jaise saaf safai karna, khana banana, kapde dhona, jo ladkiyon wale saare kaam hote the, mein who sab karti thi.” (Since childhood, I used to do all the household chores that all girls do at home.)

“Ladkiyon waale lakshan toh kudrati hote hai, tv ko dekhke ya logo se seekhke nahi aate. Log bas aisa sochte hai.” (Contrary to what most people believe, our feminine characteristics are natural and not learnt by watching people or television.)

“Mujhe doosre ladko ki tarah kabhi bhi cricket khelne ka shauk nahi tha, mujhe bas ladkiyon ke saath ghoomna tha. Mein mummy ke saath saara ghar ka kaam karti thi kyunki mujhe wahi pasand tha.” (I was never interested in playing cricket like other boys, I just wanted to hang around with girls. I used to help my mother with all the household chores because that is what I liked doing).

Through the narratives, it became evident that they used certain collective strategies to establish

their identities such as evoking past events, using sports and engaging in household chores as

metaphors for disrupting masculinity and to emphasize their feminine sides.

Childhood was seen by them as a time when their innate impulses were not restricted by gender

boundaries. Participation in sports is one of the most common indicators of masculinity, therefore

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such accounts also seemed to be powerful resources for constructing their identity. The

respondents emphasized that they were naturally averse to playing sports such as cricket,

especially around other boys their age. They all said that they preferred playing and hanging out

with girls as they felt more comfortable. However, in some cases, it was soon after they began to

show these signs, that parents and relatives began to push them to go out to play sports with boys

as they believed, it would rid them of their feminine characteristics and replace it with more

masculinity. Therefore, one could see these individuals trying to legitimize their true identity by

emphasizing that their behaviour came 'naturally' to them and was not learnt or added later. Such

statements were explicitly made as well.

There was however, one individual who conveyed a nuanced understanding of gender and her

narrative, did indicate a different aspect of her gendered life.

…This is how gender is taught. If one dresses like a male, his gender is considered to be male and this is because our parents tell us that we are a boy, so therefore, we should wear certain things or not wear certain things. This is how we feel we are males when we are young. Our gender is told to us, taught to us, but we are not allowed to discover it for ourselves. This is why even I considered my gender to be male; I hadn't realized then that I was 'different' or actually a female.

(Gender ke baare mein toh iss tarah se sikhaya jaata hai...pehenna orhna, dress male wala kar rahe hai toh male hai, kyunki humaare ma baap humein batate hai ki tum ladka ho toh ye nahi pehenoge, yehi pehenoge. Toh isse humein mind mein lagta hai ki hum male hai. Bataya jata hai, sikhaya jata hai gender, lekin khudse nahi pata chalne diya jata...Isliye maine socha tha ki mein male hee hu, mujhe pata nahi chala tha ki mein alag hu ya female hu).

This highlights an interesting aspect about gender. The recognition and subsequent expression of gender is not allowed to be ‘discovered’ by the individual, but rather is socially imposed. Transgender narratives reveal the socially constructed nature of gender identities.

Neglect by the primary institutions of care

Respondents of this research spoke about their intimate relationships and through analysis, it

became clear that the root of the issues that they face, whether it be exclusion, oppression or

rejection, all begins from these relationships. They primarily spoke about kin relationships and

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peer groups. The narratives give insight into their interactions as well as the way in which it

affected their social world, as has been elucidated in the subsequent sections.

This chapter highlights three major themes that emerged from the narratives of the respondents.

The first is the humiliation and violence perpetrated by family members, neighbours and peers

which pushes the individuals to look for the comfort and care that they would have received from

the primary institutions of care, outside. The second, is the lack of financial support that acts as

force that makes transgendered individuals, from low economic backgrounds feel compelled to

seek alternative structures where they might be able to find a livelihood and survive in the

absence of a family. The third, is the issue of shame and honour that a family reiterates to their

transgendered children, which ultimately pressurizes them into thinking that their behaviour and

actions cause harm to their loved ones. This results in a gradual withdrawal from all ties, so as to

protect those they care about. The evidence for this section will be drawn from the narratives of

Pallavi, Kangana, Aarti and Navnisha.

Ridicule, humiliation and violence

Continuous humiliation is a pervasive and a destructive influence on the behaviour and choices of

individuals. Humiliation involves the experience of some form of ridicule, scorn, contempt, or

other degrading treatment of individuals at the hands of others. This ridicule begins at home, by

the family and is also seen in other institutions such as schools.

As explained by Klein (1991), humiliation is used to socialize children and engineer conformity

among adults. It acts as a major weapon in the oppression of women, people of color, and other

stigmatized groups.

Chettiar (2015:752) describes 'transgenderism' as “a phenomena where the 'transgendering'

person gradually but recurrently perceives and recognizes his/her gender as different from the one

assigned at birth, discovers and unfolds ones 'sexuality' in the midst of perceived as well as

publicly expressed rejection and isolation in society at large.”

For Pallavi, the humiliation and rejection began at home, but did not stop there. She expressed

how the humiliation would cause her to feel helpless and confused. She wished she could

disappear and she emphasized that no matter how many years had passed, the experiences

remained vivid in her mind. While recalling these experiences, she confessed that she felt as

24

vulnerable as she did when she actually experienced them.

Even my family became certain that I was going to become a hijra. They started

saying all kinds of things infront of outsiders which would embarrass me, and see, I

am a very sensitive person, always have been since I was a child, and so I would get

easily affected and upset by such remarks and behaviour. So eventually, slowly, I

began to realize that as long as I am the way I am, I would never be able to survive in

this society. It is not for the lack of trying, trust me. I tried for a very long time and

even tried to fit in by taking up a job, but even they fired me soon enough and I have

no idea why.

Upon asking, why Pallavi would feel offended if people called her a hijra and whether she knew

what 'being a hijra' meant, she opened up and tried to explain.

I used to feel bad because of the way people would talk about me or speak to me. It is not nice to be referred to as something that you are not. Moreover, I believed I was a girl, so I would feel worse when people called me a hijra. “Sab aise bolte the..uhm..main hindi mein bol du..sun loge? Dekho, gand mar jaa raha hai aur bahot se gandi gaali dete the, toh mujhe bahot ganda aur bura lagta tha.” (people used to say...uhm..can I tell you in Hindi?...they would abuse me and call me an assfucker, which made me feel terrible). Back then, I did not know that even people like me can be classified as hijras. I used to feel like escaping it all, going elsewhere to complete my education, maybe even abroad. I aspired to have a sex change operation, get married and adopt a child. ….I mean it is true though, that every transgender (janaani- male who identifies as female) does not become a hijra. If one studies and does well, it is not necessary that one has to become a hijra. Back then, I had decided that I would never become a hijra. I studied further, went to college and thought I would take up a job. Sadly, I was not able to ever get one. I have no idea why fate was against me.

Here, the respondents make it quite clear that the word 'hijra' was used with a negative

connotation, almost like an abuse. The word 'hijras' is often used as an adjective to describe the

effeminate male. It is a derogatory adjective describing an unacceptable 'condition'. It is an

expression of disapproval of a trait which is inappropriate and unsuitable to the biological

construction of the body.

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To me, a hijra, is an individual who has been grappling with social unacceptance of the non-

correspondence between their sex and gender. They are individuals who have, therefore,

internalised the existence of an 'oddity', a perversion that results in the identification with an

already present group, in order to be able to negotiate such an identity. While joining the group is

meant to tackle the societal rejection, associating themselves with this group, distances them

further. The irony, however, is that this group, which has existed throughout history and is meant

to give refuge, was formed due to the very same societal unacceptance that ensures its continuity

today.

Such individuals, who have a hard time placing themselves in a binary category, face many

challenges trying to find their own identity. Due to the lack of adequate vocabulary, they are

unable to express themselves. They can barely justify their identity to themselves, let alone to

their family or the society. This adds to the frustration caused by the humiliation and stigma that

they are subjected to.

Navnisha confessed that she thought to herself that if society already thinks of her as 'bad' and as

a hijra, she might as well become that way. She smirked and said “now that I am a hijra, no one

asks me and no one calls me anything.”

Labels are often used for those who are seen as deviant by the society. This deviance is based on

the individual's inability to conform to standard cultural norms. Labels have a large impact on the

construction of identity and behaviour of the labeled individual. It alters their self-concept and

stagmatizes the individual, which causes further exclusion. In the case of the respondents, they

were labelled as 'chakkas' and ‘hijras' from a very young age. Eventually, the acceptance of the

label of 'hijra' is expressed as a desire to become part of the community, identification with the

community and the tendency, therefore, of giving up the biological family or home and moving

into the fold of the community. It was seen from the narratives that the respondents who were

labeled due to their deviance, negotiated a space for themselves in a community, where their

deviant behaviour was in fact, the norm.

During this conversation, I asked Pallavi what her age was and I was shocked to know that she

had recently turned 24. I couldn't help but make a remark and say “Oh, you're almost as old as

me!”. I said this because I was shocked to learn that she was so young. Her experiences and

hardships seemed to have added many years to her face. She looked tired and had a very sad look

26

in her eyes, even though she always had a smile on her face. She looked like she had lived the life

of someone who was at least 35. However, as soon as I said that, there was a long pause and she

looked at me in an upset manner, pouting her lips slightly, as if she agreed but felt sorry for

herself. Her experiences did not make her feel as youthful. It was almost as if she felt the pain of

losing her youth as I said that. I extended my hand and touched hers and we shared a moment of

brief silence, before I tried to distract her with my next question.

This kind of humiliation makes one feel cornered and excluded by the oppressor. The

perpetrators of such humiliation, one that often involves various forms violence, attempt to put

the individual in a situation where the individual loses control. It violates the individual's

personal space and boundaries. This humiliation causes much more damage when it is done in

public, as it exposes the vulnerability of the individual and causes further rejection.

It causes harm to one's personal integrity that has a deep impact on an individual's identity and

sense of self.

Pallavi also spoke about an experience that disturbed her greatly.

You know, back then, I had just started growing out my hair. It made me feel good, made me feel closer to being like a woman. One night, while I was sleeping, my brother chopped it all off. As it is, I felt terrible about my life but that really upset me. I cried for days and could not bare the sight of myself. I refused to look into a mirror for weeks. That is when I completely withdrew from everyone.

In the following narratives, I also try to view and examine humiliation as one of the reasons that

acts as a deciding factor for individuals to choose a life of a hijra. The lack of understanding and

care by their loved ones, pushes them towards a community that offers the acceptance and

support that their own family was unable to provide.

Pallavi elaborated on the positive aspects of the community that motivated her to seek inclusion

within it. She spoke about 'apnapan' (feeling of belongingness) that the community provides.

It feels nice when finally people refer to you how you always wanted to be referred as; like a girl. Finally you find people who speak to you lovingly and who make you feel comfortable. This makes one want to share all their feelings and pour their hearts out because they have been suppressing all those emotions for so many years. You are able to find people you can count on because they accept you for who you truly are

27

and they understand you. Ek community bas aisi ho jati hai, jaha sab comforable feel karna shuru kar dete hai. Waha pe mere jaise log hai, mujhse ache se baat karte hai, mujhe ache see poochte hai mein kaha jaa raho hu kya kar rahi hu, ya agar mein make up karu ya 'shringar' karu, boyfriend bhi banalu toh koi dikkat nahi hai, aisa lagta hai ki sab kuch ye normal hee hai (It automatically forms a community of similar people where everyone begins to feel comfortable. There are people like me there, people who speak politely to me, care about what I do, where I go. They are interested in my dressing up and make up and even if I get into a relationship or have a boyfriend, noone objects. It feels like everything we do is normal). This is how people get attached to hijras. It is all about acceptance! If the society also begins to accept us, maybe there won't be as many 'hijras' in the world.

While joining the hijra community provides a safe space and a supportive structure for

transgenders, it also binds them in exploitative relationships and furthers their isolation from the

wider social context.

After having faced various forms of discrimination and oppression, once they finally find people

who are similar and like-minded, for the first time they experience the joys of having a social

world. It is indeed a very liberating experience for most of them. While the narratives I collected

document this experience of joy and liberation, I am also deeply aware of the negative

undercurrents in the narratives. The 'hijras' turn to this community and the guru-chela relationship

as a last resort. The recognition of this relationship as a safe space, as one of bonding and care is

apparent. Yet, the narratives suggest that these relations are also unequal, exploitative and further

bind the individual in a system of isolation and stigma. To read their being in this community as

liberating would therefore amount to a simplistic analysis.

I first met Kangana at Aarti's house but did not get a chance to speak with her. She had promised

to meet me later so that I could ask her a few questions. Kangana was a shy, timid and quiet

person and her eyes had a depth of sorrow, something that struck me. I went to meet her as the

ISBT bus depot in Kashmere Gate, where many hijras, under Rasbhari (their guru) would go to

beg. I waited for them on a bench right at the centre of the elevated stage in the middle of the

depot to come back from their shift. They always went in groups or pairs to beg, to ensure each

other's safety and to also keep a check on each other. This way they could ensure that noone kept

more than their share and all their collective earnings would be divided fairly. I sat their, trying to

gather my thoughts in the midst of loud reverberations of the engines and the cacophony of chaos

28

and hurrying passengers, trying to catch their inter-state bus. As the buses started moving, I

spotted the group of hijras coming towards me, welcoming me with smiles. By then, I was

already well acquainted with most of them. They would call me didi and so did I. Sanjana didi (a

hijra who also worked in the NGO) came running towards me, hugged me and asked me how I

was. She offered to buy me a cold drink, suspecting that I was feeling very hot. We all sat there

sipping on our drinks bought from the shopkeeper who knew them as his regular customers. They

spread a sheet on the floor where they all gathered to count their day's earnings, while I took

Kangana to the side to speak with her privately. As we got on with our conversation, a few men

who were staring at us from the corner, came close to us, hoping to overhear our conversation.

They had a confused look as they could not seem to understand why I was sitting so comfortably

with the hijras, with a pen and notebook in my hand. I suspected that they thought I was a

journalist. I couldn't help but ask them what they wanted and they casually replied saying “bas

dekhne aaye hai kya chal raha hai.” (We have just come to see what is going on). I requested

them to move aside so that I could speak to Kangana without their prying eyes.

Kangana began by speaking about her misunderstood childhood and the failure of her parents to

provide the acceptance that she required in a time, where she herself did not fully understand

herself.

On being asked whether she always wanted to become a 'hijra', she looked at me and smiled,

almost as if she wanted me to know that the answer was no, and replied with a wavering yes.

Upon further probing she said that she became a hijra because she always felt like a girl and

therefore wanted to act like one by joining them.

Maine apne dil ke armaan, aise poore kiye (I realized my heart's true desire by joining the hijra community). Mein sochti thi ki duniya ab jaise mujhe jeene nahi deti, sab taane maarte hai, gaon wale bhi bolte the ki tumhara ladka kaisa bolta hai, kaise chalta hai, ladkiyon ke saath rehta hai, arre yeh toh hijra hai, isko hijro mein bhej do, yeh toh hijra ban jaega (I used to think that the society did not allow me to live the way I wanted. Everyone used to taunt me and put me down constantly. They used to tell my family “look at the way your son walks and talks, he always hangs around with girls, he is definitely a hijra, you should send him to them, he will become like them). So when people used to speak about me this way and ridicule me, I used to go into deep thought and wonder what to do. I did not know where to go or how to continue living.

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For a long time, I could not find a way to cope, and then I joined this community. Now when I go home, everyone knows, even my family does. Now noone says anything to me anymore. I send my family everything I earn and that is also one of the reasons why they have stopped objecting. Even the people in my village say that it was a good thing that I went to the Hijras. Earlier, I had way too many tensions. My father used to get angry and say “issko hatao, yeh toh hijra hai, isko nikalo” (remove him from my sight, he is a Hijra, tell him to get out!). I used to keep crying and think to myself, that if the people who have given birth to me can say such things, then how will the society ever accept me? So I found someone from the village who was traveling to the city, and I ran away. Now, its difficult for me to return to my home. You see what happens when one identifies as a hijra ('transgender') is that, if they decide to stay at home while being associated with a gender non-conforming identity or an identity that is considered deviant by others or not understood at all is that, they have to face a lot of humiliation not just from the society but also their own family. People wonder why the person who does not fit within any norms or stay within their 'boundaries' should stay at home. When this happens, where does the person go? What choice are they left with? They are only left with two options, that they join the hijra community, away from one's family so that they can never return (once an individual joins the hijra community, it is believed that all ties with the family are severed and there is no way to return to them) or they do something to end their life. This is the kind of compulsion we have to face.

Kangana did not use the word 'transgender' to describe herself or those who identify with their

biologically opposite sex. She used the word 'Hijras' as it is the only term she knows and

identifies with. It is the only term that she associates with a gender non-conforming individual.

However, the distinction between the terms was clear from what she was trying to explain to me.

All the narratives suggest that these individuals were able to find a space to be their true selves by

becoming part of the hijra community. They were able to negotiate a space for themselves in

society and found themselves better able to cope with the humiliation by joining a community

where they felt included and where no one would question their identity or condemn them for it.

Kangana further described how she tried to make sense of her identity not just to herself but also

to her parents. She did this as an attempt to answer the questions she was being made to face. She

was constantly questioned about her behaviour and identity. Her family believed it was her 'fault'

that she felt and behaved like a girl. However, Kangana fought to end the humiliation by trying to

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make sense of her identity to her parents. She no longer wanted to be the victim and therefore

tried to convey her innocence to those who believed it was her 'fault' for which she needed to be

punished.

...My family used to ask me, why I behaved the way I did and my only response to them was that this is how god decided to make me and I can't help but be the person god intended me to be. We are different, everything about us is different, the way we walk, the way we talk, it is like a girl's style. So, when my parents would ask me, I would just tell them that it was not my fault. If it is someone's fault, it was god's. He was the one to blame. I only walked and spoke the way I did because that was the only way I knew how. Slowly, my parent's came to realize that it was truly not my fault. Neither was it theirs because they tried to raise me like a boy, but it failed. They too realized that it was god's mistake. It was after then that I joined this community, but once my parents found out, they were very unhappy. However, now they seemed to have come to terms with it. They just tell me to lead an honest life, no matter where I stay. My siblings told me though, that now since I have joined the hijras, I should not come home. They want me to stay away from my village in Mahoba, UP.

Trans-children, like all other children, understand that adopting certain behaviours, preferences or

appearances, particularly those outside the socially accepted norms is likely to be socially

unacceptable. The restricted nature of social groupings in primary and secondary schools and the

lack of alternative social groupings available to those excluded from the school/class group,

indicates that social exclusion represents a very real threat to them if they fail to conform to

group norms. Children take time to make sense of their self and the identification of themselves

as being trans is something that is a gradual process. The feeling that establishes itself, early on,

is the feeling of being 'different'. However, children lack the ability to express this 'difference' in

words, but rather express it through their actions, which is beyond their control and is most often,

reprimanded. Since they are unable to be themselves and feel a strong sense of guilt and possibly

self-hatred for being trans, it results in even more resistance and hesitation to continue their

education. While on the other hand, those who openly identify as trans, face circumstances that

makes it unbearable for them to remain in school (Kennedy, 2013).

Harassment can take place in various forms and in various places. But when one faces

harassment in a space they considered safe, such as their school, especially when caused by their

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peers, can lead to depression, low self-confidence and a damaged self-esteem, being even more

severe in children. The victim dreads the site of violence and harassment, as he/she fears the next

attack. Such unprovoked attacks confuses and demoralises the individuals, which often causes

their education to suffer.

Pallavi and Navnisha corroborate this in their narratives where they recall experiences of their

time in school, that led to them escaping the site of harassment, by frequently changing schools in

the case of Pallavi and by dropping out in Navnisha's case. In most other cases as well,

respondents made excuses for losing interest in school and expressed a desire for discontinuing

their education due to lack of interest, fearing that they would not be able to garner support even

if they were truthful. This fear was justified because whenever they did try to voice their

discomfort regarding the problems they faced, they were reprimanded and told that their

problems were caused due to their inappropriate behaviour.

Navnisha recalled the time when she told her parents she did not want to go to school anymore.

Her father's response to this was “yeh toh hijra hee banega” (this one is definitely going to

become a hijra).

Pallavi also narrated incidents that took place in her school, where she felt ridiculed.

As a child in school, kids would talk amongst themselves and I could hear them calling me a girl and I would feel offended by the way they spoke about me. Woh kehte the “ki dekho ye toh ladies hai, aurat hai, hijra hai aise aise” (they used to say..look he is a girl, he is a hijra). I changed a lot of schools because of the way boys used to misbehave with me. They used to harass me and always wanted to get into fights and since they knew I couldn't fight back, I had to change schools many times, because even when I complained to the teachers, they took no action. Sometimes, they would scold me and blame me instead. Even though my parents did not understand what I was going through, unko lagta tha na ki dheere dheere bada hoga toh theek ho jaega ya sudhar jaega (they always thought, through my school and later through college, that I would somehow 'improve' and become better).

But once I grew up, people out rightly started referring to me as a hijra. When I used to walk on the streets to go to the bazaar, everyone used to stare at me and and say “dekh hijra jaa raha hai!” (Look, hijra passing by!). It started off with the people in my colony, then even my relatives began insulting me and do you know how that made me feel? Tab mujhe aisa lagta tha ki mein na dharti mein sama jau aur mujhe

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samajh nahi aata tha ki kyu bolte hai woh mujhko aise (I used to want to be one with the earth and die because I just was not able to understand why they would behave that way with me). I never once behaved badly with anyone, never misbehaved, in fact, I used to treat people with love and respect.

Financial difficulties and the lack of care

Most of the respondents of this research belonged to low socio-economic backgrounds. Through

the narratives, they expressed how the various challenges and compulsions they faced became

compounded due to the lack of economic support. In many cases, given the state of their

household, it was observed that poverty caused further deprivation and vulnerability, and in turn

had a profound impact of their choices, including the transgender individuals's choice of joining

the hijra community.

I studied till class 9th and then my father fell ill, so I had to drop out to earn. People

in school never treated me well. Boys used to call me 'chakka' back in the village, that

is what they call hijras there. Such remarks used to make me feel awkward so I lied to

my parents that I did not want to study further and would rather earn for the family.

Once I got out, I felt good and then could never think of returning to my village. But I

mostly left because they was no money left for education. My family was facing too

many difficulties and there was nobody to earn at that time. There was only my

mother and I was the eldest so I had to take the responsibility. Once I grew up a little

more, I came to Noida to work in an export company and post that, I joined the hijras.

See, its not like we are the only ones who feel or behave like girls. It is not like only

those belonging to poor households feel this way. There are many who come from

wealthy and educated backgrounds who are also transgenders. Its just that they don't

always necessarily have to face this 'majboori' (compulsion). They find other ways

and have more options that we lack.

We enter this community, leaving our parents behind and with a hope of starting a

new life. The community then becomes our mother, father, sister, brother and

everything else. This is because noone here taunts us or condemns us for being who

we are, unlike the way our parents humiliate and ostracize us. Here, we find the

freedom to live the way we want. If we stay at home, parents and others complain

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that our siblings won't be able to get married, and even if they do, then their families

also start feeling ashamed and behave badly. It just never ends. Koi kisi ka nahi hota

(Nobody belongs to anyone).

Jo andar Hai, woh uparwala ne hee andar rooh dala hai. Har cheez badal sakti hai,

lekin rooh nahi badalti aur jab insaan ko mushkil hoti hai toh unhe hijro mein aana

padhta Hai. Nahi toh koi nahi chahta ki woh hijro mein aaye, itni badi museebat hoti

hai (What is inside of us, our soul, has been given to us by god. Everything can be

changed, but one cannot change our soul and when people face troubles, they have to

join the hijras. Otherwise, no one would willingly want to join this community

because it is such a pain).

From such narratives, it becomes clear that the financial position of the individual has a great

impact on this feeling of compulsion; compulsion to earn and subsequently join the community

of hijras, for the lack of acceptance elsewhere. Coming from an uneducated or poor household

puts such individuals in an even more compelling situation11. The deficiency of resources plays a

role in the choices that the individual makes. The individuals feels deprived of choices and

alternatives, especially in the midst of the unacceptance of their identity, which leads them to

seek the company of individuals where they would feel more comfortable. The choice of joining

the hijra community is justified on the grounds of acceptance12 but the fact that it also ensures a

source of income and livelihood, plays an underlying role in the decision-making.

Aarti also confirmed this by saying:

There are some difficult circumstances in life that make us do such things. Now that I

have joined them (the hijra community), I can never leave. Once you're in, there is no

getting out, no matter how hard you try and anyway, what will we eat then? Pet toh

paalna padta hai na! (afterall, we have to feed ourselves, right?!)

It is evident that work and livelihood is a significant element in framing the choices that

11 Pamment (2010) argues that public manifestations of gender and sexual bending are generally unimaginable to the lower and middle classes, where most hijras hail from, which are governed by more stringent socio-religious gender and sexual parameters. 12 Hagerty et al (1996) highlight the common link between the sense of acceptance and the sense of belonging. They share the attribute of a valued involvement in which the person feels loved, needed and valued by others. However, sense of belonging also encompasses the attribute of sharing similar or complementary characteristics that allows the individual to feel part of a group, system or environment.

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transgenders have and the life paths they finally end up choosing.

Shame and honour

“ S h a m e i s w h a t w e f e e l w h e n w e … a r e d i s g r a c e f u l … t o t h o s e w h o c a r e f o r u s . ”

- Aristotle

Honour is associated with the preservation of one's social status and value and it is safeguarded

through the adherence to social norms. It also acts as a tool to maintain social structures of

authority, which is why when these structures and norms are challenged, it is seen as causing

harm to one's reputation as well as their authority. The inculcation of shame is also used as a tool

in such situations, by the family, to create a feeling of guilt for the condemned behaviour

(Azzopardi & Grech, 2012). Sometimes, this guilt is inculcated by the family so that it may act as

a motivator for change in behaviour. However, the individual who is made to feel guilty is unable

to change their behaviour and characteristics, rather he/she may form a negative image of

themselves, considering themselves to be the cause of embarrassment for their loved ones.

There are various situations due to which these transgender individuals feel compelled to join the

Hijra community. One of those reasons that the respondents highlighted, for leaving home and

their families, apart from those mentioned above, included the shame that their identity brings on

their family. Their deviance is considered to threaten the honour that the family holds in the

society. This is mostly reflected in the men of the household, whether it be the father or the

brothers. Pallavi, Aarti and Navnisha articulated this in their narratives. Sexuality is seen as

something that needs to be guarded and sexual deviance is considered to bring shame and

dishonor to the family. Therefore, sexuality directly correlates to the respect of the family and the

level of honour the society associates with the family.

Here, the idea of family honour and personal dignity is clearly contradictory, therefore, the

decision of leaving the family household meets a dual purpose. In addition to protecting their

family's honour, they also detach themselves from the family to preserve their own dignity.

Pallavi spoke about the patriarchal nature of the society and justified her father's behaviour based

on it. While telling me about this incident, she tried to explain that in the class she belonged to,

manhood was considered very important.

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There was a sense of pride attached to being a man, which passed on to the 'sons'. Being a 'son' held great value. A man cannot stand his son bringing shame to the family by engaging in womanly activities. It was conveyed very strongly to me that I had brought shame to the men in the family. My father used to hit me. From that day on, this feeling of shame attached to my identity was etched in my mind and I have never been able to overcome it. I was sent away to my grandparents to keep me away from the rest of the family. My mother has always loved me and has tried to support me. Even now, I get to speak with my mother and sisters but my father still refuses to talk to me and so do my brothers. They have made it very clear that they do not want any association with me. Kyunki woh ladko mein uthte baithte hai. Aadmi... aap toh jaante ho ki society mardo ki hee hoti hai, aurto ki nahi. Aur is chakkar mein, unko bhi sharam aati hai (See, because they hang around with men all the time. Men... as you know, man owns our society, it is a man's world, not a woman's. Because of this even they are ashamed)

Aarti stayed in a place called Dallupura which is a village on the outskirts of Delhi. It is situated

near NOIDA, UP. Of what I could tell, it was a Gujjar dominated village. Men sat outside their

homes and some in their porch outside their homes, playing cards and smoking hukkas sitting on

a 'charpai' (cot). The lanes were narrow and there flies hovering over the spilled garbage that had

not been collected for days. Hijras often face a lot of difficulty finding a place to rent. Owners

remain hesitant to rent out their places to members of this community as they have many

apprehensions. Aarti was lucky to have found a place here, she said, as house owners often

hesitate to rent their rooms to hijras.

Aarti saw us coming from her balcony. She put a dupatta on her head and came down halfway to

recieve me and the others from the NGO. We walked up a flight of stairs that seemed to have

been left halfway through construction. There were 3 stray dogs sleeping peacefully there as it

was cooler than outside and was a great place to take a nap in the shade. Aarti welcomed us to her

home. There were 2 other hijras sitting there and a young boy quickly went in to the kitchen to

make us tea. He was Aarti's younger brother who stays with her and her husband, who was out of

town. Her house was a small room with a bed on the right hand side and a TV on the left. She had

an adorable white dog who was tied to the door. There was a shelf above her bed that had some

boxes and linen and right above that was a picture of her with her husband. There were two other

didis sitting in the room. As we finished our tea with everyone, she took me to the room opposite

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to hers so that we could speak privately.

Talking about the time she left home, she explained how her behaviour was seen as a threat to the

well-being of her siblings, by bringing shame upon the family name. Her family believed that if

the society found out about her identity, no one would agree to marry her brother as it might

create doubts about his sexuality as well.

...When I found out, I thought that my brother will have difficulty getting married if I stayed at home, so I decided to leave. Actually, my father got remarried and his wife and I did not get along very well. We had a huge fight and I left home. If my mother was alive, maybe things would have been different. It has been 8 years since I left home. Now they call me once in a while and I even send them money.

An observation that I made during my visits to their homes was the clear physical

marginalization of these individuals. Since they belong to the Hijra community, owners do not

readily give their houses on rent to them. Most of these individuals cannot afford living in better

areas and therefore have to live in the peripheries of the city.

Navnisha was from Uttaranchal but was brought up in Agra along with her siblings. Navnisha

also recalled her childhood and spoke about how her feminine behaviour was condemned with

violence.

My father would hit me whenever he noticed me behaving like a girl. Like when I would want to dress up or if he caught me acting too much like a girl. My father was an army man and he considered my behaviour very shameful. Seeing this violence, my brothers also started abusing me and treating me badly. My mother, though, used to think that I would eventually change and finally start behaving like a man when I grow up.

A patriarchal structure is upheld by the male head of the family, and to protect the honour of the

family and the head, all members have to abide by caste and gender norms. These norms include

marriage and kinship norms, sexuality, purity and pollution, behavior and attitudes. The

opposition to the gender binary is seen as a serious threat. Not just to the power and dominance

of the head of the household but also to these caste and gender norms. The structural link

between patriarchy, husband and wife, as well as the family structure, all get challenged while

also challenging the role of the head of the household and his role as the ultimate agent of

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socialization. The person who challenges the gender binary is seen as challenging the head's

ability to socialize the young into a particular gender. It is considered as challenging

heteronormativity, while also undermining the primary agent of socialization. In families,

children first encounter concepts of right and wrong, as well as role models who sphape their

sense of what is possible for them to be and do. The male head of the household or the role-

model's authority within the family and the community rests on this ability and is likely to be

questioned because there might not be any continuity to his family.

While the respondents spoke about such instances of humiliation and shame and the subsequent

policing that it results in, the source of it remains in the unacceptance of the transgender

individual's identity by the above mentioned primary institutions of care such as the family and

school. There is a radical break between before joining the community and after because one

spends years not responding or reacting to situations of abuse and violence. However, after

joining the hijra community, these individuals finally feel like they have a backing or support.

These narratives enable us to examine the institutions that are central in our lives, which if we

were to examine in our context, these same institutions, for instance schools, some of the

oppressive experiences such as exclusion, violence and discrimination is something we have all

experienced. It is the lack of the language or vocabulary to articulate such experiences as well as

the fact that it is not a heightened experience because it is mixed with the dominant hegemonic

narrative, that it is not expressed in the same manner. But, in the case of the individuals who have

been studied, the dominant is the oppression, which is expressed through their narratives. These

enable us to rethink the way in which institutions such as the family or schools have been

conceived. Family, which is supposed to be the source of love and support is replaced by a

community that offers acceptance, love and support.

Despite the clear break from the family, these individuals also reproduce familial relationships in

the new networks that they form and the new community that they live in. They also attempt to

reinstate a sense of care, longing, and responsibility towards the family, by re-establishing their

role as providers through such acts like sending money back home.

This chapter highlights how the institution of family contributes to the 'making of a hijra identity',

which subsequently leads to a separation from and rejection of that institution. The reason for the

rejection of the family, which is probably been the most oppressive institution in their life, lies in

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the rejection of the whole idea of civility and morality. There is a gradual learning to reject that.

However, what I am trying to bring out is that, while they learn to reject these oppressive

institutions and learn to be critical of them, the same critical reflection does not translate into the

common space that they are able to find, when they join a community, where they share a

commonality with others. While it is a problem that there is an absence of the critical reflection

which then reproduces similar oppressive structures within the hijra community, it is also the

basis of their identity as it is expressed to the outside, because they have to show the guru-chela

relationship, learn to be feminine and establish that commonality with others. This will be

elaborated upon in the following chapters.

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CHAPTER 3

APPRENTICESHIP AND THE WORLD OF WORK

C h a l i a a i y i m e i n l e h e r o m e i n , p e h e n l i p h i r s e g h u n g r u p a i r o m e i n ,

w a h i z a n j e e r p a i r o m e i n , w a h i z a n j e e r p a i r o m e i n ,

g i l a m u j h s e , m e i n g a a u n g i , n a a c h u n g i . . . i s h a a r o p e ,

s i t a m k e b a g a w a t c h o d d i , s h a r a f a t s e . . .

(I have come to you with the waves, I have worn the anklet again,

the same that act like a chain to hold me captive, I know you have complaints about me,

but I will sing and I will dance...to your tunes

as I have stopped revolting about the oppression and torture, with decency)

- a song sung by a hijra, who felt it was an apt description of a hijra's life.

“A hijra is someone who is feminine but not a woman, masculine but not a man, a person beyond

the boxes of man and woman. The person follows the rules and regulations of the community,

has a guru, lives in feminine attire, may or may not be castrated.” These words of Laxmi Narayan

Tripathi, a well known hijra and an activist, elucidates the question of who is a hijra. Her

definition clearly points to the social construction of gender. As Chettiar (2015) explains that a

person's gender is not simply an aspect of what one is, but more fundamentally, it is something

that one does, and does recurrently, in interaction with others.

Gender is also based on a cultural understanding of what it means to be a man or a woman in a

given society. These understandings in turn give rise to sexual ideologies and stereotypes,

thereby making gender a social relationship as well as a symbolic category (Wolosky, 2013).

Such ideologies and stereotypes often result in multiple forms of discrimination that leads the

path towards social exclusion. According to the report prepared by Peoples' Union for Civil

Liberties (2001), social discrimination against sexual minorities such as transgenders manifests

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itself in the production of the ideology of heterosexism. Heterosexism considers only the male-

female sexual relationship to be valid and renders invalid the lives and culture of those who do

not fit in that category. The ideology of heterosexism pervades all dominant societal spaces and

institutions.

This chapter begins with a discussion of the challenges that transgender individuals face in their

place of work (before joining the community) and it also highlights the nature of work hijras have

to do within the community and the relationships this world of work frames.

Officework

It is clear from the earlier chapters that the neglect from family and harassment from the primary

institutions of care such as the family and school pushes these transgender individuals to join the

hijra community. In many cases, this is reinforced by the challenges these individuals face while

finding work and earning a livelihood, outside the hijra community. Most of the members who

joined the hijra community, had previously attempted to work in various offices and factories.

Kangana's narrative reveals the journey of a transgender through conventional workplaces and

the nature of harassment and the multiple shifts and transitions she goes through before joining

the hijra community.

Kangana talked about her experiences of the time she worked in an export garment factory in

Greater Noida.

People there were not nice. They would call me a hijra, chakka among many other things and ask me “tumhe kaam karne ki kya zaroorat hai, hijro mein jao, waha toh achi kamaai hai, hijre toh ache hote hai, paise khoob kamaate hai” (Why do you need to work? Go join the hijras, they earn well, they are good and they earn a lot). They would say such things with a dirty smirk on their faces. Whenever I would pass by for some work, they would start off with their dirty comments. I used to wear jeans back then; I did not dress like a woman but still, it did not stop them from saying things. Sometimes, a few of them tried to pull me by the hand and touch me inappropriately. I worked at the factory for 6 years, I tried. There were some boys from my village working in the same factory but they went back and told everyone that I was a hijra and that I stay with them. The workers and even the manager would tear my clothes and ask me for sexual favours. They used to misbehave and say such dirty things to me. When people talk like this, we are forced to contemplate our lives

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when we are alone. It used to make me wonder, what kind of life is this? How do I even live? Then the only other option is to join the hijras, because as it is people assume that we are. Then finally I had to leave work and that is when I started wondering about my life. I did not know what to do. Then I thought, my family used to always tell me that I used to behave like a hijra and then once I left my job, I realized that I don't even have any ties with my family ever since I left home and it was after that, that I joined this community. I met some hijras on my way home one day, they called me and told me to join them. They spoke nicely to me and said “beti idhar udhar kyu ghoomti ho, duniya tumhara mazaak banati hai... hijre hoke bhi job kar sakte ho. Sab kehte hai ki hijre hai, toh hai...apne group mein aa jao, hum tumhare ma baap banenge. Apni zindagi ache se kaato, idhar udhar bhatko mat” (daughter, why are you roaming around like this? The whole world makes a mockery out of you...you can work even as a hijra. Everyone calls us a hijra, so be it, come be in your own group, we will become your parents. Live your life well, don't wander this way). This is how we join the hijra community because we finally feel like we have found our 'own'. Otherwise, no one really wants to join them, nobody wishes that life. If people don't treat us this badly, nobody would feel like joining this community. If people constantly behave badly with you, imagine how you would feel, you would get lonely and bored. I used to question myself and think of all kinds of negative things. This is why during hard times, we have to resort to this life of a hijra. Iss line mein aake insaan apna sab kuch bhool jata hai kyunki do roti chain se milti hai, apne ma baap bhi bhool jate hai aur apni nayi zindagi jeete hai, ghar basaate hai aur kaam bhi mil jaata hai. Aise zindagi bhi kat jati hai, pata bhi nahi chalta hai. Koi kehnewala nahi, ghar jao ya na jao (Once a person joins this line, they forget everything else and all the pain because finally one can earn a living in peace that feeds their stomach, they even forget their families and get a second chance at living your own life; we can set up a new home and we find work as well. This is how we spend our lives and we don't even realize how it goes by. There is no one to ask or say anything, then you go home or not, nobody cares). Once you join the this community, you live with it and die with it. They support you through thick and thin. They keep you well, feed you, dress you and help you in every situation.

Despite articulating a sense of freedom, this narrative indicates the pain of being a 'nobody' and

the pain of someone who was ostracized by their own family and the society.

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The lack of acceptance that she experienced in her life translates into a sense of belonging13 with

a community even when there is a nominal sense of care and understanding14. Joining the

community involves an erasure of memory, that is deliberate but it is also brought on by the new

relationships that they form, their new world of work and the demands of community life.

Community based support structures usually involve reciprocal exchanges and ties, there are also

rules, roles, expectations and punishment for transgression. These notions are applicable in the

context of the hijra community as well. In exchange for accepting the hijra mode of life and

existence, transgender individuals receive moral and social support, through which their basic

needs are met.

Pallavi too shared similar experiences of humiliation when she went to look for work and

expressed how it impacted her.

As soon as I opened my mouth to say my name, all of them burst out laughing...because of those encounter, my image in my own eyes dropped. I lost all my confidence and lost interest in everything. I thought I had lost all capability to do anything. It took me a long time to recover from the trauma of that experience.

Roopsie angrily shared her experience of sexual assault at her workplace, before she had joined

the Hijra community. She worked as a peon in an office in Noida.

Despite consciously trying to behave like a man so that I did not express my feminine side at work just so that I could avoid any embarrassing situation I used to be regularly harassed by the men who worked in my office. They would offer me money, ask for sexual favours and say nasty things. But I was finally forced to leave work after the day I was locked up in a room. I was doing some work and it was a little late. This one guy who worked at the office tried to force himself on me. Mera kaam choota doosro ki wajah se, mere kisi dosh ki wajah se nahi (I had to leave work because of others, not because of any fault of my own).

13 Hagerty et al (1996) describe sense of belonging as the experience of personal involvement in a system or environment so that they feel themselves to be an integral part of it. The authors also discuss some attributes attached to sense of belonging such as the experience of feeling important, valued or needed with respect to other people and the experience of fitting in or being congruent with other people, groups or environments through shared or complementary characteristics. They further elaborated on the consequences of belonging that includes attribution of meaningfulness to the psycho-social or physical involvement as well as the establishment of a fundamental foundation for emotional, cognitive and behavioural responses. 14 Pamment (2010) observes that fictive familial relations whereby the guru functions as the mother and the other chelas as sisters, provides a protective realm where a young hijra initiate can negotiate his identity.

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She blamed people for not letting hijras improve their circumstances and said “agar hum sudhar

ke kaam karna bhi chaahe, doosre humein sudharne nahi dete...iss liye transgender kahi kaam

nahi kar sakte” (Even if we want to improve ourselves and work in a normal environment,

people don't let us do that and that is the reason why transgenders cannot work in an office).

She smiled and made a remark “kabhi kabhi na samaaj humein aage nahi badhne deta, samaaj

kehta hai ki tum jo ho, wahi karo” (Sometimes, it is society that does not let us move forward,

they remind us of who we are and that we should do what we are destined to do).

These narratives serve as evidence for the strategies employed by society to impose and remind

excluded individuals of their stigmatized identity. It resonates with the caste-based structure in

India, in which individuals who have been historically stigmatized and excluded, are assigned

jobs or occupations that have been traditionally associated with their caste. This serves as a

constant reminder of their unequal status in society and further prevents them from climbing the

social ladder.

Such experiences of humiliation impacts the individual's sense of self as they are made to feel

embarrassed of their own identity. Humiliation makes them realize that their sexual identity is of

deep significance in their expression of their identity. These individual's behaviour is read as an

overt expression of their sexuality, despite there being no such intent of overtly displaying their

sexual identity. These narrative provide evidence of workplace discrimination, harassment and

social exclusion and the ways in which a workplace constraints identity and personhood.

Transgender stereotypes are employed to legitimize exclusion from certain designated workplace

and also to harass such individuals. Such forms of exclusion and restriction becomes

unacceptable to transgenders, who then find themselves unable to work in such an environment

where they would be penalized for being themselves.

Every individual has a journey, some take it up knowingly, whereas others, unknowingly. Many

ties are severed, while new ones are formed.' Trans' literally means 'across' and 'beyond'. 'Trans-

portation', 'Trans-formation', 'Trans-sexualization', 'Trans-gression'; all are part of a journey. Yet

each journey eventually reaches a destination, in the form of an address. An address to which one

can return or be traced back to - regulated, checked and kept in place, by the notion of the 'inside'

and the 'outside'. The hijra community is one such 'address'. In many ways, it signifies the end of

one journey and even the beginning of another. The whole experience of finding a home can be

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reinforced when the person commits to the work and relationships prescribed by the community.

Joining the hijra community gives access to a new world of work to the individual. The nature of

work members of the hijra community are involved in include toli-badhai (performing at and

blessing auspicious occasions) , begging and sex work. Streets, bus stations, red lights, parks,

dance bars and clubs are the kinds of work place access that becomes available to them once they

emerge as self-identified members of the hijra community.

Joining the hijra community gives access to a new world of work to the individual. The nature of

work members of the hijra community are involved in include toli-badhai (performing at and

blessing auspicious occasions) , begging and sex work. Streets, bus stations, red lights, parks,

dance bars and clubs are the kinds of work place access that becomes available to them once they

emerge as self-identified members of the hijra community.

While the chelas contribute to the community through their earnings, the community also

contributes to the well-being of the individual by providing him/her with a sense of purpose and

support. The individual who has previously faced harassment at work and is unable to find a safe

working environment, is given various opportunities to become self-sufficient, by working with

the community. Most hijras work in groups and therefore, feel a sense of safety and protection,

which they previously lacked.

I will now discuss the challenges that these transgendered individuals face after joining the

community. This will be elaborated through the world of work. There are three sub sections: the

guru-chela (mentor-disciple) relationship and the work it entails; begging and sex work, which

focus on the harassment that these individuals face from within the community, from their gurus

and outside, from figures of authority such as the police, their clients and the larger public in

general.

The following section discusses the various challenges that hijras face in their professions such as

begging and sex work. These professions are fraught with risks and uncertainties and are

considered stigmatic and illegal, giving them a marginal status. Since there is an element of

criminality attached to such professions, garnering support or enforcing the law in case of

violations is difficult. The hijra community faces both verbal and physical abuse, by various

actors; figures of authority such as the police, included. Since the perpetrators of violence are

those who are meant to protect citizens, hijras find themselves in an especially challenging and

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helpless situation.

Apprenticeship through the guru-chela relationship

I had begun this research by considering the Hijra community as a space which is free. A space

where individuals escaped to free themselves from humiliation and negativity. A space available

for freedom; to express, to exist, to live and to be themselves. But, to my disappointment, I learnt

that this very space that had arisen to resist oppression and suppression, replicated the very same

structures of society that it sought to escape. After all, this space arose from within the oppressive

system that exists in society.

There are very few who fully know and understand the rules and regulations of the hijra

community, before joining them. They only find out about their way of life once they are

inducted and sometimes it is too late. While this community does provide a sense of relief to the

transgender individual who has faced many challenging situations, causing them distress, it also

imposes its own structures of violence and oppression on the individual.

Apart from the humiliation that hijras have to face while begging on the streets, they have to find

ways to manage their money. With the money that they earn, they often have difficulty managing

rent and other bills. Since they have to give a share of their earnings to their guru, they have to

cut down on some of their own personal costs, which often results in them neglecting their health

issues. This proves the extent of exploitation that they face. The guru demands the money

decided upon despite knowing the monetary constraints of the chela, sometimes even knowing

very well that the chela has had to compromise on her health to meet the guru's demand. For the

hijra, the only relationship based on trust and cooperation and care is one that places more value

on the decided amount of money. While the guru-chela relationship does resemble some kin

relationships such that of a parent and a child, it also resembles other dyadic relations such as that

of a master-servant, patron-client, in addition to a teacher-student relationship. Elements of such

relationships have been reflected upon through the subsequent narratives.

Every hijra who enters the community has to agree to the guru-chela relationship and its

structures of authority. This relationship is based on a mutual arrangement between the guru who

has authority, social status and other personal resources and the chela, who benefits from their

support and influence. One enters the community through a social contact they might have made

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or someone they were familiar with, who had some form of association with the community. This

contact may be a hijra from their village/neighbourhood or a visitor or an acquaintance. They

journey with them to the city/town to find a guru. This guru then allows the individual to enter

the 'dera'. The functional, economic units of the hijra community are households called deras.

The household comprises of the guru and her chelas. Induction in the community is only possible

if the chela has a guru, therefore, every intiate must have one. A hijra attains the status of a guru

with age and experience. The guru introduces the newcomer to those higher in the hijra hierarchy

who meet as a ‘jamaat’ (panchayat). This panchayat-like structure is the main authority who is

responsible for the resolution of all conflicts as well as the celebration of all ceremonies in the

community. When the guru introduces the to-be-chela to the elders, she presents them with some

amount of money on behalf of the new member. Since the new member, who should ideally be

paying this fee, is unable to do so due to the economic dependence on the guru (established in the

beginning of one's journey into the hijra community), the new member remains in debt to the

guru. This debt is expected to be repaid by the chela through her earnings and performance of

household chores. This is how chelas become bound to the guru and she is expected to take on

the profession of the guru. It shares similarities with bonded labour where the chela's labour is

demanded as a means of repayment for the loan taken to be initiated into the community. The

value of their work becomes invariably greater than the original sum of money borrowed.

Traditionally, hijras perform at weddings and bless other auspicious occasions, such as childbirth.

The hijras engaged in ‘toli badhai’ (traditional occupation of singing and dancing on auspicious

occasions) are considered most respectable and are usually financially secure, though their lives

are governed strict internal rules. However begging is also considered acceptable and respectable.

Another choice of profession that is looked down upon yet remains a lucrative choice as it pays

well is prostitution.

The guru-chela relationship is like a family; social as well as an economic unit. With time, every

chela is given permission to adopt her own chelas. The chelas of the third generation address the

first generation gurus as nani (grandmother). What a chela earns does not belong to her alone. It

belongs to the whole family. A portion of the money she earns is passed on to the guru who then

passes it on to her guru (nani). The chela is dependent on the guru for initiation and inclusion into

the community and defying the guru or the rules of the community can mean being pulled up to

the jamaat, where most disputes are settled. Disputes may be settled through the payment of fine

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and in extreme cases can lead to expulsion. Each household/dera divides the city into

regions/zones/areas over which they have rights. This means that if a certain guru has rights of

begging in a particular area, only her chelas can beg there and no other guru or her chelas may do

the same in that area.

A chela is allowed to change her guru if she wants but it is only possible if the new guru pays the

previous guru twice the amount that was paid to the panchayat. However, with each change of

guru, the reliability of the chela decreases as the frequent change in gurus could imply infidelity.

Reliability of a chela is very significant in the community because gurus and chelas constitute a

'family'. They provide social and emotional support to one another. Just as the chelas are

dependent on the guru for acceptance into the community and for being taught the rules,

occupations, customs and traditions of the community, the gurus are dependent on their chelas for

social and economic support. This is also a way to ensure that when a guru grows old and is no

longer in a position to work, there is assurance that someone will be there to earn for the

household and also perform their last rites.

The guru-chela relationship additionally acts as an important economic unit. In the beginning, the

chela gives all of her earnings to her guru, from which the guru gives her some allowance.

Gradually, chelas are allowed to keep larger portions of their earnings. The guru also uses part of

the earnings to pay off the police and local goons to keep their areas economically functional. As

one goes up in the hierarchy, the number of chelas they have (and inturn the chelas they have)

keeps increasing and most of the earning comes from the work of the chelas. The upward

movement in the social ladder corresponds with increase in age. This too, mirrors the nature of

kinship relations, where young members of the family (mostly women) have less rights, but as

they get older, they get more power. The community, much like a family, reproduces structures

of inequality, even as rights are passed on based on seniority.

This understanding of the dynamics of the community was derived from various interactions with

gurus as well as chelas and some details emerged from the narratives of Navnisha, Pallavi and

Kangana.

During our interaction, Navnisha confessed that “I myself used to be scared of hijras because I

used to think that they would come and take me away. But as it is people kept calling me a hijra,

so I thought I might as well become one.”

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She also spoke about her journey into the Hijra community and she explained some of the

dynamics of the community.

She had left her home in 2006 and lived with a woman in the colony who sent her to Narela,

which is a tehsil, located in the North West Delhi district of NCT, forming the border of the Delhi

state with Haryana.

There, I found out about a 'dera' (hijra household), where I went to live with other hijras. I started off by doing 'toli badhai' (dancing and singing on auspicious occassions) for a few days. I even pierced my nose and stayed with hijras to learn about them. I was 21 then and look, I am 30 years now. My guru was Sarojbala and my 'daat guru' (guru's guru is considered as grandmother) was Indira Mai. They used to kept me locked up in a room. I was made to do toli-badhai and then sent to shops to buy groceries and then also do household chores. I lived in the dera with 13 other hijras and we all had to divide the household chores of washing dishes, cleaning and sweeping amongst ourselves. We had to give all our earnings to our guru. Whenever she felt like it, she would grant us an allowance and we had to manage everything within that. If we did not abide by the rules, we were threatened to be ostracised by the community or be fined a heavy amount. Sometimes worse punishments were given where they would cut off a chela's long hair as a way to reprimand their disobedience or for going against a guru's authority. Many hijras used to avoid working by becoming informants of the guru and often they used to give them wrong information so as to get someone into trouble or to further their own motives. Some would even make bad food so that they were not asked to cook again.

Pallavi spoke about the compulsions transgenders have to face due to the unacceptance of the

society that leads them to the community. However, the community makes its own demands on

them and further limits their options.

See, listen to me, our options obviously reduce...if everyone accepted us, maybe we could have studied and maybe we could have gotten jobs as well. And if we are only to be accepted by this community, then we have to do the same kind of work that they do like sing and dance and beg and even then if it is not enough, then out of compulsion we have to do sex work as well. After facing such difficulty despite joining the community, one wishes that they had stayed at home...it is this loneliness that bothers us. (Dekho meri baat suno, options toh kum ho hee jaate hai na...agar sab humein accept

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kar le, toh hum padh bhi sakte hai, job bhi kar sakte hai. Aur agar maanlo ki yehi humein accept karte hai toh humein wahi karna padta hai na, wohi profession jo yeh karte hai, naachna gaana, maangna, aur agar us kaam se nahi hota hai toh majboori mein sex work karna padta hai humein. Yeh dukh jhel ke lagta hai ki ghar pe hee rehte..yeh akelapan hee pareshan karta hai ). Its just that, after becoming a hijra, we are somehow able to finally gain some amount of respect, that is an advantage. Before I joined the community, I didn't even get that! I used to look at myself in the mirror and cry for hours and wonder what I must have done in my previous life to have deserved to be born this way. I just feel that if hijras already know the kind of sadness we all have had to face in our lives, then they shouldn't make the rest of us feel the same way again, but they feel that since they had to go through so many troubles, so the rest should also go through the same so that they also learn. This is not a good way of thinking. Even I have 2 chelas, I let them stay in male clothes and I will always be faithful to them; I give them money, but I don't take theirs. If they come with me to do toli badhai in the heat, I pay for everything. See, this is also how one gets respect, atleast somewhere they will feel like someone is caring for them. (Mujhe bas lagta hai ki hijro ko toh pata hai na hum kya dukh jhelte hai, toh baakiyo ko waisa nahi feel karvana chahiye na, lekin unko lagta hai ki unhone itni pareshani jheli hai toh baakiyo ko bhi jhelni chahiye. Yeh gandi mentality hoti hai. Mere bhi 2 chele hai, woh 'kadhe' (stay in male clothes but feel like females) mein rehte hai, mein unke taraf wafadaar rahoongi, mein unhe khud deti hu unse paise nahi leti. Dhoop mein toli karne gayi toh mein hee saara paisa deti hu. Usse bhi isliye respect hota hai, kahi na kahi usse bhi lagta hai ki koi care kar raha hai.)

Pallavi expressed her disagreement with the means gurus choose to demand respect. She hopes to

be a better guru for her chelas. While the guru-chela relationship is the most significant and

essential relationship that exists in the hijra community, most hijras do recognize the oppression

within that relationship. Some of them even try to modify this relationship so that the newcomers

under them do not have to face the same kind of oppression that they had to face. However, given

the strict nature of rules and supervision over the community, it is uncertain, to what extent the

modification takes place.

While she acknowledges the challenges of being in the hijra community, she, like many others

believes it is the only way one can gain some respect in the society, even if it may be nominal.

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The community acts as the only source of social support15 for these individuals. A trans-

individual is able to establish a somewhat legitimate space for themselves in society, where their

identity is recognized based on their association with a group that has deep historical and

religious links.

Navnisha also talked about the politics within the community and the guru-chela relationship that

she explored when she joined the community. She gave insights into the exploitative nature of the

guru-chela relationship. She said, “the gurus make the newcomer do all their work and they take

all their chelas' earnings in exchange for being initiated in the community.”

When I asked Kangana if she had any prior knowledge about the hijra community, she explained

how she learned about the community after joining them. Her transition into the hijra community

was not as smooth as she had expected and she learnt about the rules of the community through

various negative experiences. However, she was glad to have eventually found a guru who helped

her through her difficult times and gave her support. She was able to find this guru, only much

after she had already experienced the oppression that the community otherwise entails. Kangana

also emphasized her transition caused by the new guru who gave her more freedom and provided

a friendly environment.

I did not know anything about hijras. I had no clue how they were, how they behaved or how they lived their lives. I did not know the kind of hardships they have to face or if they had any problems. I basically knew nothing. But, I had a friend who was like me and had spent some time with hijras. She was the one who told me about them and how they live. She explained how one becomes a hijra and what all one has to do to become one and the things they have to do. She told me that if the rules were not followed, people get beaten up too. She had warned me that one might even have to hear all kinds of things from them and do a lot of work for them. This is how I slowly started finding out more about the community and then I went ahead. I went and met a few hijras and began living with them in Noida and after living with them for 3 years, I shifted to Punjab. But I did not like it there at all because the hijras I was sent to, did not even let me sleep properly. They used to make me slog all night. I used to wash clothes, utensils and they even made me cook. It was a 5-storeyed building and

15 Hagerty et al (1996) argues that social support provides a sense of acceptance and can lead to heightened interpersonal skills, self-efficacy leading to adaptive behaviour under stress, lower anxiety, positive self-image and positive expectations of interactions with others.

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they made me do all the work. Imagine! They used to give me their stale food or their leftovers. They were so strict, they did not allow me to call home, let alone let me meet them. I used to think of my family often. They used to say “ab toh tum hijre ho, hijro mein rahoge, sab kuch chodh do” (Now you are a hijra, you are going to stay with hijras, leave everything else). I could not accept that. I could not forget about those who gave me birth. When I expressed this, they began to hit me and threaten me so I ran away from there. Once I came to Delhi, I was roaming around aimlessly for a while and kept searching for hijras and it was then that I finally met my guru, Rasbhari. I requested her to keep me and she was the one who gave me work at this bus adda (bus terminus). This is how I started begging. Gradually, I was introduced to everyone else and then I moved out and began living on my own and look at me now! Now I know every kinnar who works here. They are my friends now. They all know me well and love me. Even I love them all.

Once an individual joins the hijra community, she forms new relationships, learns the customs

and simultaneously begins to reconstruct her sense of 'self'. This however, may or may not

involve sex-reassignment surgery. Hence, joining this community is also a means of negotiating

the stigma and discrimination that they faced due to their non-conforming gender identity.

Becoming a part of this community gives legitimacy to their gender identity and performance.

As also witnessed through observation, some new relationships at work, apart from the guru-

chela relationship also emerge, like the one with the fellow members of the community, who are

assigned to work together in groups and pairs. It was evident that these colleagues not only

provide security, but also act as agents of supervision. They oversee each other's work and report

all information back to the guru. They keep an eye on each other's earnings as all of it is expected

to be divided equally by the end of the shift, before a new batch of the chelas come for the next

shift.

Each guru has a particular 'ilaka' (area) under her, which she is in charge of. She sends her chelas

to beg or pick up customers for sex work in these specific areas. This particular area is under her

jurisdiction, which implies that no hijra, other than her chelas are allowed in the areas. Therefore,

when police gives them trouble in their area, they cannot shift to another site as that area may

belong to another guru. This restricts the hijra's access to certain areas which is also the reason

why their site of work is very important to them and any threat to their 'workplace' translates into

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a threat to their livelihood, causing them distress and the loss of income.

Kangana and her colleagues who work with her in the ISBT adda expressed their concerns

regarding the same.

Hijro ki toh job toh hai nahi, naukri toh hai nahi...maangne khaane ka kaam hai. Bolte hai idhar mat maango kahin aur maango...lekin dekho hijre toh bus addo mein maangte hai, buso mein bhi aur batti par bhi, jaha jiska ilaka hota hai..bahot se bade hijre toh apne ilaako mein ghusne bhi nahi dete, toh kaha jaenge hum? Kuch na kuch toh karenge..yeh laal batti pe maangenge ya bus adda maangenge (It is not like Hijras have jobs, begging is how we earn our meals. They tell us to beg somewhere else, but see, this is where we can beg. It all depends on whose area it is. There are so many big hijras who don't even allow us to step in their area, so then where do we go? We have to do something right? Either we will beg at the red lights or at the bus adda).

To this, another hijra added:

laal batti maangte hai toh, jinka ilaka hota hai woh hijre pareshan karte hai ki tum yeha mat maango, yeha se jao...toh ek taraf woh pareshan karte hai phir police bhi pareshaan karti hai (If we do beg at the red lights, then those hijras, to whom the area is assigned, bother us and tell us to leave that site. This way other hijras also trouble us and on top of that the police causes hassles as well).

Relations in large scale social units such as that of a buyer-seller/employer-employee, are

formalized, structures and commonly devoid of personal content (Brymer et al., 1992).

However, in the case of hijras, the 'personal content' plays a major role in establishing other

relations such as that of a 'guru-chela', where typically the guru not only helps the transgender

individual to enter the community of hijras, but also gives shape to her new identity in many

ways. This includes familiarizing the person to the rules and ways in which the community

functions and also providing a means of livelihood, first by serving the guru, who then provides

the hijra with some form of employment, typically, begging, prostitution or toli badhai. The gurus

who have already established a strong network with officials and major stakeholders such as the

police, bus drivers (whose bus they beg in), shopkeepers etc., let the hijras work in this setting

with the guru's permission, in exchange of half of her earnings. Hijras recognize their

membership in the community even though these exist within the larger society that makes its

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own demands upon them.

The world of work is framed by the apprenticeship through the guru-chela relationship. Work

plays a central role in the expression of their identities. Without this apprenticeship, they are not

able to find work and it is through the guru that the individual is able to establish their identity as

a hijra.

Rejection of the instability of gender identities, in the case of hijras, means ejection from society.

This ejection however is in no way a license for freedom, rather a permission, to be bound by

rules which are a reflection and reproduction of the society that has expelled. I therefore look at

the hijra community as a cohesive unit that is made to fuse and come together to perpetuate the

order of society. The community remains cohesive at the level of performance, reproduction,

rejection and role-taking, but also gives rise to new vulnerabilities that are experienced due to

exclusion from mainstream society.

Begging

Aarti goes to work at 7 pm everyday. She travels from her house in Dallupura, to the ISBT bus

adda in Kashmere Gate. She works with other members of the community, under her guru,

Rasbhari. Aarti shared her experiences at work, making animated faces and got riled up while

narrating some of her experiences.

The people on the buses are such crooks, they threaten to call the police or charge at us to fight. Kisi ko agar chu diya, nahi de rahe toh, aise bharakte hai ki “chua kaise tune mujhe, door hoke baat kar”. (If by chance, we touch someone, especially when they are refusing to give us money, they get so angry and they heckle at us, they say “how dare you touch us, stand at a distance and then speak”). Some passengers quietly give us money, but others don't even acknowledge our presence. They look away whenever we pass by and if we ask them for money, they ridicule us and treat us like untouchables. Even when the police gets involved, they always take their side and harass us. They never listen to us. Infact, sometimes they ask us embarrassing questions in the middle of the road and ask us to show them our body parts or open our clothes. They ask us to prove we are hijras and it has happened before, that they have stripped us of our clothes and pride in front of many people, right in the middle of where we work. It makes me so angry! I hate it when they ask us “tum hijre kaha se ho? Kis cheez ke

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maang rahe ho? Kyu maangre ho? Hafta hai? Karza hai tumhara?” (How are you a hijra? What are you begging for? Do you think we owe you?...) As if this isn't enough, some straight away dial 100 on their phones to inform the police. It is such an unnecessary hassle. Sometimes there are fights but we don't like it. “Ladke seena chaura karke khade ho jaate hai.” (Some boys stand tall with their chests out, to provoke us). No matter what we have done, the police pin-point our faults. Sometimes it is unbearable. You know, some passengers have the audacity to tell us, why we don't try looking for work and when we ask them if they are willing to keep us as maids in their house, so that we can feed ourselves, they say nothing. Arre nahi dena hai toh mat do, lekin ulta toh na bole.. (If they don't want to give us money, let them not, but they shouldn't turn around and say such things). Where do we find work? Which office would want to employ us? It is easy for them to point a finger at us, but not one of them will give us work.

Kangana also spoke about the challenges she faces while begging, which threatens her livelihood.

She fears a life without a source of income as she sees begging as her only means to earn a living.

I don't like how the police keeps bothering us. They don't let us do our work. Arre, then how will we earn? What will we eat? I often wonder, what I would do and where I would go if we are not allowed to beg at the bus adda anymore. The police and the people both use the new law as a way to stop us from begging. They say, now we have got jobs (referring to the SC judgment that provides reservation in jobs and institutions) so we don't need to do this anymore. Arre where are these jobs? Who has gotten them?

During Kangana's interview, she was being called by her friends as the buses had arrived. She

was ready to continue the interview but I asked her to go so that she doesn't miss her share or lose

out making some money in that time.

Legislation is a form of recognition and an attempt to redress deep-rooted social inequality and

while it does have transformatory potential, several other mechanisms and processes need to be in

place to transform deep rooted institutions and beliefs. In the recent Supreme Court ruling of

2014, hijras have been formally and legally recognized as the third gender and have been offered

reservation for jobs. This well-intended progressive legislation has begun to affect some Hijras

(specifically in the Northern part of India, where the research was conducted) in a negative way,

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as expressed by the respondents. While it has definitely improved their status on paper, till it is

not actually implemented and used by these individuals, hijras are unable to understand its value,

apart from their recognition as third gender on paper. While it is meant to uplift this section of

society and will definitely have a positive impact on their status and inclusion within society, in

the meanwhile, it has also resulted in the police and public using it as an excuse to deprive them

of their current livelihoods. This perception of the hijras, however, I believe is because the hijra

population in Delhi are not particularly associated with NGOs working towards using the

opportunities provided by the legislation, unlike the many organizations in South of India that are

active in this regard.

The gurus who have prior experience are aware of the challenges involved in their work. They

advise their chelas to avoid trouble and do their work diligently. They also instruct the chelas not

to attract unnecessary attention, in order to avoid further problems for the community. Public

scenes involving the police carries a threat to their livelihood, which the gurus want to avoid at

any cost. Aarti told me about her the instructions her guru gave her and the other chelas, when

they complained about the police harassment.

Our guru tells us to listen to everything being said and quietly come back, without getting into any confrontations. She tells us that there is no point in fighting and that if the police get involved, we would be insulted even more.

A similar narrative emerged from the hijra's experience of the family, where the family would

advise them to behave in ways that would not draw attention to them and conceal their obvious

effiminacy. While the familial objections and the imposition of such norms were located in an

idea of honour, within the hijra community there were clearly material justifications for this,

located in concerns over loss of livelihood.

Sex work

Police harassment often builds on and is reinforced by the fact that society looks at sexual

minorities with disgust and hatred and values them as less than human beings. Violation of

human rights of such individuals is considered acceptable because majority of the people

consider them less than worthy of the same respect as given to 'normal' individuals (PUCL report,

2001).

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Therefore in order to understand the oppression of sexual minorities such as the hijra community,

it is important to examine the various forms of oppression perpetrated by the society as well as

the state, where violence is an inextricable concept. It is in this larger framework and context that

one can comprehend the various forms of violence that transgenders and those belonging to the

hijra community are subject to in our culture and society.

Societal violence is inflicted through various sites and institutions such as the family, household

spaces, workspaces as well as public spaces. Apart from restricting their access to such sites, both

societal and state violence in the form of police oppression impinges strongly on the individual's

personal dignity. There is an element of further marginalization of such minorities from low

income and non-english speaking backgrounds of hijras. Discrimination against such groups is

institutionalized and enforced by powerful mechanisms such as the police. The position of the

law often includes aspects which empower the police to harass such individuals and groups and

while these groups are seen as subjects fit for harassment, they are also invisibilized when it

comes to them having rights or using the same state apparatus to seek justice.

Members of the community spoke about various forms of police abuse where they often use

filthy language, beat them up and even subject them to sexual abuse.

Kashish, a hijra who lives in Mori Gate and also works in the same area spoke about her

encounters with the police. She begs during the day, but to earn extra money, she also practices

sex work at night. She spoke about many policemen who ask for sexual favours. She further

added that if she refuses to have sex with them, they threaten her by saying that they would not

let her beg in the day and cause trouble for her during her work. She confessed that, “I feel

terrible succumbing to their sick requests, but I am forced to do it so that I can keep my day job

safe. I cannot risk losing my area at the red light at any cost. That is where I beg and losing that

would mean that my chelas also wouldn’t be allowed to beg there either, which would cause us

great financial difficulty. That is why to avoid all this, I have to agree to get into their police vans

and have sex with them.”

Apart from the risk of losing their area for begging, Kashish also spoke about some violent

encounters with the police.

We have gotten beaten up so many times now. They always beat me when I refuse to have sex with them. Arre they do this with my chelas as well. It is such a huge

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problem for us. They don't even let us do our work in peace.

The people who worked at the NGO (key informants of this research) mentioned many instances

where they have had to go to police stations to convince the police to release the hijras as they

were sometimes detained illegally, without any paperwork.

Some respondents also revealed that the police often forces them to take off their clothes. If the

hijra has not had a sex change operation, they file a case of fraud on them. This causes the hijras

to fear any confrontation with the police.

Kangana also spoke about her encounters with the police authorities and how it disturbs their

work and their mental state. She complained that eventhough she only engages in begging, the

police assume that since she is a hijra, she is also a prostitute.

Many a times these police men are rude to us. They misbehave with us, hit us with their laathis (sticks) and ask us to take off our clothes. They say “dikhao tum kaise hijre ho” (show us how you are a hijra) and then they tear our clothes or force us to take them off. They even ask us all kinds of indecent questions and say “tum toh dhandha karte ho yeh woh...” (you are all sex workers).

Roopsie, is a dancer by profession and she also practices sex work. She opened up about some

very disturbing encounters she has had with the police and she further explained the challenges a

hijra sex worker has to face.

She talked about the risks of working as a sex worker and the kind of circumstances it produces.

She also mentioned that the police often beat them up if they found them lurking around, waiting

for customers.

This one time, a policeman had called me with a false proposition of showing me an area, where I could practice sex work regularly, without any trouble from them or anyone else. The police man said “tum aaram se waha kamaana khana, hum nahi aayenge waha tumhe chedne” (You can earn in peace there and we won't come to harass you). He took me to a dark area and the moment we reached there, he started abusing me and threatened to put me and my friend who I was with, in jail if we did not agree to have sex with him. Humein kya pata tha, woh bhi wahi shuru ho jaenge? (How would we have known that would also start off right there?). They threatened to put false charges on us if we refused to agree. I was forced to agree but soon after that, 3 more cars and 2 bikes full of policemen reached the area. There were 17

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policemen who wanted to rape both of us. Tab bahot saare log ho gaye the, aur hum bilkul phass gaye the (There were too many people then and we were stuck). They had anal sex with me and they brutally raped us, one after the other. I remember being in a terrible state. All my clothes were torn, but I was finally able to escape. I found something to cover my body and somehow found an auto to go back home. I never thought that there would be so many of them and that we would be unable to handle such a situation. I had expected only one or two policemen to be there and therefore felt confident about being able to handle the situation. I have been raped by customers as well. They have hit me and coerced me into having sex with them and those bastards, then fled without paying any money.

Upon asking whether she filed a complaint with the police, she explained why she was unable to

approach the police to seek help.

In situations such as these, I don't ever go to the police anymore, because the one time I did, the police only taunted me more and said that such things are bound to happen in my dirty profession.

After narrating these incidents, she also told me that despite such risks, sex work is a lucrative

option as it gives large returns.

Arre there is nothing wrong with sex work, atleast I don't think so and anyhow whatever I earn is because of the effort and hard work that I put in. Afterall, even I am giving something to that person, even if it is pleasure. Lekin jaise ladkiyo ko lagta hai jab unka rape hota hai, humein bhi waisa hee lagta hai (But just the way a woman feels after getting raped, that is exactly how we feel as well).

She casually added:

…lekin yeh sab toh humaare saath hota hee rehta hai...Rape toh hota rehta hai humaare saath, yeh toh normal hee baat hai (but such things always keep happening with us...We keep getting raped, it has become normal now). I just pray to god everyday that nothing happens to me today. You know but...in retrospect, I truly believe that maybe I faced such circumstances because of the nature of my work. Mein sex work karti hu, isiliye aise yeh haalaat paida hote hai, shaayad agar mein sex work na karti, mere saath ye cheeze nahi hui hoti (I practice sex work which is why such situations arise, maybe if I did not do sex work, I wouldn't have gone through such experiences).

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Such remarks also reveal the systematic abuse suffered by the hijra community. It also indicates

the degree of internalization of self-hatred wherein one believes that they actually deserved to

have gone through such brutal experiences. This is also a serious pathological consequence of

abuse (Brownmiller, 1975).

While rape is seen as a risk attached to the profession of sex work, Roopsie's narrative indicates

how transgender individuals who go through such violating experiences on a regular basis,

normalize rape. They seem to accept rape as simply a hazard of the job. Hijras practice

professions that carry stigma, which they feel is the reason for the violations that take place. This

also indicates the extent to which they have internalized the stigma of the professions that they

practice. Despite a strong sense of self-reliance and an understanding of rights and a desire to live

free and independent lives, they also embody the stigma that people attach to their identities. On

the one hand, while they recognize the violence of the rape, the injustice of the police behaviour

and the gross human rights violations, they are also quick to brush it away as a part of their

everyday lives.

The narratives indicate that are many instances where the police constantly degrade the hijras by

asking them sexually implicit questions, touching their breasts, stripping them, and in some cases

raping them. With or without the element of physical violence, such actions constitute a violation

of the integrity and privacy of the individual. Such instances also indicate that explicit forms of

violence are an integral part of hijra existence.

Many institutions such as the family, the law, and various other figures of authority are extremely

intolerant to gender non-conformity and are actually complicit in the pervasive violence and

discrimination which hijras are subject to.

The rape law, which can protect a woman, becomes toothless to protect, when the same violation

is done against hijras. Sexual favours, bribes, corruption and other such practices are criminal

situations perpetrated by the authorities of law and order, while they blame hijras as antisocial

groups. It is important in this context to emphasize the need of gender sensitization among police

force, about the rights of the sexual minorities and transgenders. This is a serious aspect to

consider when one talks of civil liberty of citizens. The intimidation by organs of the state such as

the police has an underpinning in the pervasive culture of silence and intolerance practiced by

different sections and institutions of the society. The existence of the hijra community is often

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labelled as an abnormality that requires correction or as a crime to be punished.

This includes a keeping a close eye on their traditional occupations as they are seen as criminal

activities. While there is a criminality attached to their professions, there is also a lack of

sensitization and understanding of the reasons for them choosing such activities as well as it

being a larger consequence of social exclusion.

The respondents also spoke about their experiences in public spaces such as parks, malls and

other such places where people usually go for leisure. Hijras however, lose the will and interest to

go to such places, especially when not in a big group due to the fear of harassment. However,

some of these same sites are accessed to find work.

Kangana and her friends spoke about how they are treated when they do venture out, because

they too like anybody else, get bored of their routines and enjoy spending time outside. She was

shy at times because the things she was sharing with me were unpleasant and she did feel

embarrassed and would try to hide it with an awkward smile. She would also often leave some

sentences incomplete, expecting me to pick up on her cues and understand what she was trying to

say as she did not want to be too explicit in some cases. She believed that being a part of the hijra

community caused people to ridicule her as people often make assumptions, which may not

always be well founded. People also hold many misconceptions about their lifestyles.

Ya, we go to Red Fort and India Gate sometimes but sometimes we don't feel like. Some boys outside look at us and smirk and follow us around. They ask us “kitna lete ho yeh woh” (how much do you charge for a night?). We feel bad when they ask such things because we realize this is what people think of us even though we try so hard to lead an honest life. We work dedicatedly and strive to earn a living just like everyone else but they still assume that we do wrong things. Today, if we were not involved with the hijras, maybe people would not have made so much fun of us. They do not understand us, they only think of us as bad people. They think we all do sex work and this upsets us. All this makes us think about our lives you know. It makes us wish that may god never make anyone like us. Isse acha toh marna manzoor hai lekin ye zindagi jeena manzoor nahi hai. (Death is better than this. I will accept death but living this life is unacceptable).

Pallavi also shared how she felt when people looked at her with disgust whenever she stepped

out. She demonstrated the various ways in which people stare at her and the kind of gestures they

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make when they see her and other hijras. Pallavi confessed that she felt suffocated as a result of

this and therefore, avoided going out alone.

Such behaviour by the people restricts hijra's access to public spaces as they fear humiliation and

feel unwelcomed.

Roopsie also spoke about her lack of interest in going out.

Humein toh bahot saari samaajik problems toh hoti hee hai. Tum hee batao, tumhe agar sab log ghoorte rahe tumhe kaisa lagega? Kahi pe bhi jao, jaise dukaan pe ya park mein, log hat jaate hai. Bus pe chadho toh log dekhna band hee nahi karte, toh isliye bahot ajeeb lagta hai. Isiliye toh tumne notice kiya hoga, hijre itni aasaani se milte nahi hai. Toli se ghar aur ghar se toli, apne kaam se matlab rakhte hai, kyunki unhe bhi pata hai ki society unhe accept nahi karti, unhe har time feel karati hai ki who alag hai (We face way too many societal issues. Why don't you tell me how you would feel if wherever you go, everyone keeps staring at you? No matter where we go, even places like parks or shops, people see us and then they move away. Even when we get on to buses, people never stop staring and that is why I feel very strange and awkward. That is why you must have noticed that you don't see hijras roaming around that often, you won't easily be able to find them. They only travel from work to home and vice versa, they keep to themselves because even they are aware that the society does not accept them and they constantly remind them that they are 'different' from them.)

These public places that lack privacy and protection of a home are common sites where such

individuals are not only under attack by the police but also the public in general, who take

advantage of their vulnerability and stigmatized existence. These responses include staring,

making faces or negative remarks, treating them as untouchables or with an element of ridicule

and sometimes even fear and harassment.

Social stigma casts a veil of invisibility over the life of hijras, which often makes them frequent

targets of harassment, violence, extortion as well as sexual abuse from various actors, police and

public included.

The idea of self-reliance and changing aspirations

All the members of the hijra community take their jobs very seriously. For instance, even though

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begging was considered to be one of the lower status jobs, the hijras who were engaged in this,

took their work seriously.

On being asked about how people treat Navnisha, she said “jin ki bheek kha rahe hai, unki burai

thodi karenge?” (I can't talk ill of those whose alms I live on?). Maangna hijro ka dharam hota

hai (begging is a hijra's duty/ritual/virtue).

Taking their work seriously is also embedded in their idea of self-reliance. Even those who were

'married' or in relationships preferred earning their own money so as to not depend on their

partners for assistance, in fact some of them even supported their partners, while others would

send back part of their earnings to the family that disowned them.

For many, economic independence is also one of the prime reasons for joining the hijra

community as it provides a means of livelihood, apart from the acceptance and support that one

derives from it. This economic independence is also a way to ensure that they do not have to be

dependent on their families that never accepted them and caused them mental as well as physical

torture. These individuals view self-reliance as the only way to escape their oppressive families

and maintain that distance so that they are able to live life on their own terms.

Kashish, a member of the hijra community who belonged to a different area and had a separate

guru from the others mentioned in this chapter, spoke about the importance of self-reliance in her

life.

My parents had offered to take care of me and take me back, provided I left the community but I refused. Maine socha tha ki mein phir kabhi waapas jaana hee nahi chahti (I thought to myself that I never ever want to go back to them). I prefer begging than being dependent on my parents, who have always put restrictions on me. I would choose this life over them any day. There was no way I wanted to give them a chance to have a say in the way I led my life ever again, which they definitely would have at some point, if I decided to live with them or be dependent on them. Mujhe kisi aur ke kehne par nahi jeena (I do not want to live on any one else's terms). Moreover, I was never accepted as who I truly was by them or my previous life but I have been able to gain some respect after joining my community. I did not want to lose that by giving up the traditional hijra profession, because it is how I earn my bread and butter and it is the only way I can be free and live on my terms.

Navnisha too spoke about a time when her parents were willing to accept her femininity if she

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decided to come back home.

As much as I wanted to, I knew I had to decide against it because I feared that if I went back home, they would start treating me badly again. I thought they would again do the same things; hit me, talk to me badly and say the same derogatory things.

The respondents also expressed that they had many aspirations in their lives. These aspirations

included receiving a good education, finding a job and creating a dignified life for themselves.

However, these aspirations changed over time, sometimes to the point where many of these

aspirations were suppressed, as they did not seem feasible or possible to achieve. At present, all

these individuals aspire to lead a happy and fulfilling life and they all hope to move forward.

They aspire to have a life where they don't have to ask for anything from anyone else.

Sindhu, a hijra in her 40s expressed her desire to lead a dignified and respectable life and wished

the same for her chelas.

The way this generation has changed, we should too. Our lives should have other options other than begging. We also want to earn in a dignified manner. Society keeps saying tum toh kinnar ho, tum kya kaam kar sakte ho? (You are a hijra, what work can you possibly do?) We have the same aptitude as any one else, it is the mentality that differs. If people get to know us and about us, they will start to understand. If I give respect, then people should give me some respect too. People should try and understand us in order to know how to behave with us. Nobody supports us because nobody wants to be associated with us. No matter how difficult my life has been, I haven't caused difficulty in others lives.

When I asked Aarti if she had envisioned a different life for herself, she said:

If we got jobs, every hijra would be working in an office today. None of us have any such jobs and no one will offer us any. I haven't heard of any kinnar (hijra), working in an office, they all do the same work, toli badhai or begging. Maybe, this is what was written in my fate so I came to the hijras. You think any man can put a dupatta on his head and do this? Madam, not everyone has the capability to do what we do. We can only beg, that is what is written in our destiny. Maangna hee toh likha hota hai, hijro ki toh bheek hee hoti hai (It is written in our fate, hijras only have alms).

Aarti too, expressed a strong desire to become self-sufficient and said that all that she expects

from life now is to be able to lead a life where she does not have to ask for anything from others.

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She said, mujhe kisi ke saamne haath nahi phailana (I do not wish to spread my hands infront of

anyone anymore).

However, Navnisha used an idiom to explain why her aspirations were limited now. It was

evident that she too had fallen prey to fatalism when she said “jaise tarbooz perh ke upar nahi ho

sakte, hum bhi society mein aage nahi badh sakte” (Just the way a watermelon cannot grow on a

tree, we too cannot progress/grow in the society). On being asked why she has not looked for an

alternative to begging in all these years, she replied with a question “today if I open a factory or

business, people will think twice before joining or being associated with it, won't they?”

The most striking finding that shaped the course of this research was something I found out in the

beginning of my interactions with the respondents. When asked about their identity, the

respondents firmly said that while they would not change their transgender status or would not

mind being born again outside the gender binary, but that they would definitely like to have other

options to survive in society and not have to resort to joining the hijra community. This is

because they believe that the community comes with its own limitations and stigma and also with

less dignified means of employment as a part of its culture, that being begging, prostitution and

dancing at weddings. The respondents also expressed that if the society begins to accept

transgender identities and recognize such identities as individuals, such an exclusive hijra

community might even cease to exist.

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CHAPTER 4

LOVE, INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS AND HIJRAPAN

This chapter focuses on the expression of hijra identity through two aspects, that are central to the

formation of the hijra identity. First, is the idea of choosing a partner and the person they want to

be with, which is partly self-defined. Second, is that once they choose to be part of this

community, they have to learn the rules of engagement of this social world. Learning the new

rules implies the suppression of the previous knowledge and way of being a social being. The

way in which sexuality is expressed in interactions is also different from the heteronormative

notion of expression and learnt subsequently during the socialization with other members of the

hijra community.

I found something I wrote in a letter years back, but it feels apt to be used in this research.

“Everything and everyone can feel love. Love means caring and showing understanding. Love means being there when someone is in need. Love is being a friend. Love can be just about anything you want it to be. Love is a choice. Love conquers all. And that does not mean there won’t be hard days or difficult things to deal with. But finding that person who does it for you and knowing that person loves you back, just makes everything so much easier.”

While these words may seem like the ramblings of a teenager, they resonate with the experiences

that the hijra individuals shared with me. It may also seem like my personal understanding and

experience maybe 'mirrored' in a respondents' personal reflection despite the different socio-

economic circumstances, I have sincerely attempted to identify the asymmetrical relations.

“Reflexivity in research is built on an acknowledgement of the ideological and historical power

dominant forms of inquiry exert over the researcher and the researched. Self-reflection upon the

constraining conditions is the key to the empowerment `capacities' of research and the fulfilment

of its agenda” (Hughes, 2012:5). Therefore, to assume a value-free position of neutrality would

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have been dishonest, and hence, I have tried to incorporate critical reflexivity in my analysis.

Hijras explained love to be an unconditional form of affection and support that they were willing

to sacrifice anything for. Love to them, meant everyday companionship that offered them respite

from their 'lonely' lives. It also gave them some form of assurance that they would not be left to

die alone. They expressed an intense desire not just to 'be loved' but also to be able to 'give love'.

From the narratives, the significance of love in the life of hijras were seen as assurance of some

form of support outside the community. An additional space, apart from the community where

they could express themselves and not be condemned for it. While the respondents romanticized

the notion of love, what was also evident was the faith they had in its ability to provide protection

and refuge in case ties with the community were severed or their (guru-chela) relationships were

affected.

The dominant understanding of hijra relationships is seen as a transgression from

heteronormative relationships, however from my interaction with them, it appears that it is based

on similar heteronormative notions of love. To hijras, conformity to the idea of heteronormative

relationships may not seem apparent, but from their narratives, one can clearly see the desire to

replicate similar patterns and similar notions of love and relationships.

I was taught many different dimensions and aspects of love through my interactions over the two

months that I spent with hijras. I learnt what love means to them and because of the lack of it, the

things they are willing to do to find it or even keep it. Some relationships are just like the ones we

see between a girlfriend and a boyfriend or a husband and wife, while others, are more

complicated. While some relationships are fulfilling, others have an added exploitative element in

it. The individuals I met opened up about various aspects of love such as security, stability,

emotional fulfilment and its consequences such as heart break, abandonment, violence and

sacrifice. While some of these aspects are similar to the cultural understanding of love in the

broader society, some of their experiences and negotiations such as the practice of intimacy, the

way of establishing trust and emotional closeness as well as issues of economic support were

different.

Hijras referred to their boyfriends/husbands as 'giriya'. In all the visits I made to their homes and

deras, the hijras, who had been in an intimate relationship, over a year, had adorned their room

with a picture of them with their 'giriya'. Sometimes this framed picture also had a garland of

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artificial flowers wrapped around it, indicating that they treat their relationships as sacred and

something they value most in their lives. This is interesting and unusual because much like in

other urban and rural homes in India, marriage or couple photos are displayed, but not

traditionally garlanded. It became clear that these hijras took pride in their ability to retain a long

term relationship successfully and wanted to express it to everyone in their community or those

who would visit them. It served as evidence of their longstanding relationships and this was

important to assert their ability to find 'a man' despite their sexual/gender identity. It was also a

way of announcing to their world (the community) that they had support, outside of the

community as well. Though this was not apparent in an overt way, it was conveyed in subtle

manners during the course of the interviews and casual conversations. This was interesting

because on the one hand, they seek the support of the community when they leave their homes,

but once they join the community, having experienced similar hierarchical structures and

relationships that have the ability to tie them down, they seek liberation in the form of

relationships of love, meant to serve as additional support outside the confines of the community.

After having faced severe consequences by their family, the fear of abandonment becomes

ingrained and results in them looking for a back-up, so that they may never have to be alone

again. This is achieved in the form of personal and intimate relationships with men, the desire for

which stems from this fear of abandonment. They also fear not being accepted, which is why they

look for relationships where they may create a space of acceptance for themselves. This space is

also meant to be free of restrictions and rules, unlike that of the community. However, this desire

to find acceptance and love does not always translate into a fulfilling relationship and sometimes,

even replicates similar hierarchies, violence and exploitation.

Leading a Dual Life

Vikas, known as Whiskey in the hijra community, is 26 years old. When I first met 'him' (as I

assumed he identified as male and maybe was a koti/gay man), she introduced herself as Vikas

but pointed out immediately that people in the NGO refer to him as Whiskey. This made me

cautious that I asked all my respondents their names. They all would refer to themselves with

their female name that was assigned to them after joining the community but would hesitate to

tell me the name they had before. On asking why, some said that referring to their previous life

was seen negatively within the community and therefore, they did not want to be caught recalling

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their former identity. Some seemed uncomfortable when I asked them what their name was

before and stopped me from writing them down as they did not want me to have any evidence

that they revealed their former name (seen as their former identity), fearing a negative response if

any community member found out.

When I first met Whiskey, she was in male clothes, had short hair and wore dull colors. However

when I met her at a wedding a few weeks later, at the wedding of an NGO member's brother, I

could barely recognize her. It was in the peak summer month of June. I was invited as were many

others who were associated with the NGO. Even though, I went to the wedding as a guest, I

couldn't help but make observations as a researcher while I was there, as it was an opportunity to

witness a social gathering where the respondents too, were invited as guests, rather than as

members of the community who would otherwise attend the wedding to perform toli-badhai and

bless the ocassion.

Whiskey looked more beautiful than any woman present there. People could barely keep their

eyes off her as she definitely did stand out amongst the others. She was glowing and her smile

was radiant. Her make-up was flawless and her clothes, bright pink, designed by herself. She

wore a long wig on her head. She would frequently sway her long braid from one side to the

other and if she caught someone looking at her, she would blush, making her cheeks look as pink

as her dress.

My family is aware of my female characteristics, but they are in denial about my identity. They force me to behave like a 'man' at home. I had left home for a few months after my brother humiliated me infront of my entire family, pointing out the way I walk, talk and behave. We had got into some fight. My brother always condemned my behaviour and said that it was not suitable and that it brought shame to the family. I decided to live on my own. That time I didn't know much and I was apprehensive about finding a guru because I had heard that some of them are very mean. My kothi friends told me these things so I got scared. But 2 years ago, I found myself a guru because I found out that was the only legitimate way to enter the hijra community. Without a guru, a hijra cannot have an identity. Just the way a woman can only have an identity, after she gets married, we too can only have a hijra identity if we become a chela to a guru.

A while back, my mother fell really sick and appealed to me by emotionally

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blackmailing me to return home. I was scared that my mother's condition would worsen because of me and I did not want to cause any stress that to her. That is why I decided to move back home and now I am forced to lead a dual life. My parents insisted that I got married. There was no choice. My family told me that I was free to behave however I liked outside the house as long as I stayed at home with my wife and behaved like a man. My wife thinks I am gay and I let her believe that, because the arrangement works. I think I am lucky to have a wife who accepts my feminine behaviour but I am scared that she won't be able to handle the truth of me being a hijra. That is why I can't tell her. I am a father also. My wife accepts me and my activities on the condition that I takes care of her and our child. We live like friends I have sex with her as well. See, sex is sex. It doesn't have anything to do with love. I love her as a friend. But I have rented a room where I can dress up like a woman and then I join the other hijras to do toli badhai so that I can earn. I get out of my house wearing men's clothing and under the pretense of going to college, I actually go to my room to transform into a woman and be a part of the hijra community. Plus. This is the only way I can meet my boyfriend. I meet him at that room and we have a great time, but then I have to return home.

We had this conversation in the NGO office but he also took me to his place, but warned me that

I must not mention anything to his family. I went their as an employee of the NGO. I met his

entire family, including his wife and kid. The wife performed her wifely duties, served him food

and spoke about her 'good' husband. After the meeting, Vikas left with me to go to his room,

where he was supposed to meet his boyfriend.

This reveals crucial aspect of duality as a mode of engaging with relationships of love. It is by

fulfilling the role of a 'man' at home and through the marriage that Vikas is able to love the one

he truly wants. Vikas readily accepts the duality of his identity as gay man and a husband so that

he is able to negotiate his space, outside the home, to find the love of his choice. If the wife finds

out that he is a hijra, he believes that her belief in his ability to take care of her and her child will

be challenged, as he will no longer be considered a man.

The family also uses contexts such as sickness, ill health to draw the person back into the fold of

the family. There are families which use shunning, isolation and emotional blackmail to draw

them back into the fold of the family but this drawing within the fold of the family has two

aspects, one in which they can only come back to the family if they can retain a conventional

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normative masculine identity, the other, in which the masculine identity can be temporary and

fragmented, and there is an understanding about it which implies that there is an acceptance of

the femininity even if it comes at the cost of accepting some of his feminine characteristics or

qualities, as long as it is not visibilized in their family life.

There are also many hijras who are willing to accept this dual existence. Therefore, this duality is

used as a negotiation strategy so as to be able to be a hijra outside the household where there are

no restrictions on the individual's identity and also to be able to find love.

The dual existence, is that they are married men within their family and hijras outside, while the

other aspect of their duality is that they negotiate masculinity and femininity, and there is a

recognition of this fluidity. Therefore, there is an acceptance of the fluidity in the 'doing' of

gender, by the family. For this person, that duality and fluidity becomes a part of their identity,

whereby they are able to define what the masculinity and femininity means to them at different

points of time in their everyday lives. This acceptance and recognition of his fluid identity,

especially by the family, retains Vikas' support structure. Therefore, while Vikas retains his

family structure and fulfills the role of a husband and father, it is also a negotiation that allows

him to find a partner of his choice, outside the fold of the family. The retention of family ties as

well as having the freedom to be themselves outside of the household are some of the factors that

necessitate this duality in the practice of gender by the hijra.

Longing for companionship

Sometimes love can be an overwhelming feeling or even a desire, sometimes it can also be a

compulsion. Pallavi, a member of the hijra community spoke about her relationships and

heartbreaks.

Pallavi had her first attraction towards a man at the age of 15. This was before she joined the

hijra community and she was unaware of her identity as a transgender. This was at a time when

she felt and behaved like a girl and realized that she was attracted to men. She was infatuated

with her tutor who was around 22 years old.

I used to feel shy in class and was always scared to speak to him. But one day I decided to express my feelings and I said ‘I love you’ to him. He was shocked and angry. He threatened to tell my parents. I got so scared about my parent's reaction if

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they found out that I stopped going for classes. I could not speak about this to anyone at home and then my parents started forcing me to go back to study and return to my tuition. So I had to go back and I apologized to him. He forgave me but soon after that, he began touching me, under the table, in class. Initially, I didn't really understand his intentions but liked it because I was overcome by my attraction towards him. Soon after, things took a different turn when he expressed his desire to have sex with me. That is when I got scared. I would kiss him and let him touch me but I would refuse to have sex with him. This made him very angry. He would scold me and threaten to break all contact with me. But things became worse when my brother found about our relationship and told everyone at home. My dad hit me a lot then. After that, father stopped talking to me. After joining the hijra community, I thought I would finally be able to find the companion I had been looking for. And I found love again. He had promised to be with me forever. He used to tell me he loved me very much, he even suggested that I get a sex change operation later. He promised to be faithful to me and I made the same promise to him. I fulfilled all my duties as a girlfriend. I would cook for him, bring him alcohol and satisfy him in bed. But none of this was enough as he decided to disappear one day. I was so scared of being alone that when my boyfriend left me, I attempted to commit suicide. I did not want to live because I used to think that he was the only one in the world who truly love me and understood me, because noone else had ever loved me or understood me. Later I found out that he left out of the fear of people finding out about his relationship with a transgender (who had a penis), that too a member of the hijra community. I felt hopeless about finding someone who would truly understand me. I felt lonely. I did not see the point of living my life because I thought that I would always have to live a loveless life and die alone. It took time, but I was able to strengthen myself. I told myself that if someone wants to stay and be a part of my life, he would and that someday I would find someone like that. Being a hijra is lonely. When I go home, I want someone to eat with me, somebody to watch tv with and sleep by my side. I try to fulfill this need for company by calling men over. They think I want to have sex with them, but I actually call them because I want to lie in their arms, feel loved. I long for company. Arre agar koi mil jae na, uske liye mein mar jaungi, sab kuch luta doongi. Agar phir koi len den ho, toh woh koi maaine nahi rakhta hai. (If I find someone, I will love him immensely...I will be

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ready to die for him and spend everything of mine on him. If he truly loves me, then even if he wants money or anything, it won't matter). Today, I wish to find a man who I can dress up for, someone I can serve tea to and love immensely. I want to get married and I am even willing to take care of his kids if he decides to have children with another woman, or through adoption. I have the same aspirations that any other girl her age (22 years) would have. Hum jannaniyo (janani is another word for transgenders that the hijras typically use to refer to themselves) mein na agar koi pyaar karne wala mil jaat hai, toh hum khush rehte hai. (Among us hijras, if we find someone who loves us, we stay happy.)

In contrast to Pallavi's narrative, Roopsie offered some insights into relationships and its impact

on identity.

My husband loves me. His whole family acknowledges me as his wife. My life partner is great that way because he and his family accept me and they are very nice. But they call me mami, chachi etc. but I feel weird! I consider myself a transgender, not a woman. I feel shy. My partner does not know I practice sex work, he thinks I work at a dance bar as a dancer and get paid just for dancing. He doesn't use me for my money, I am lucky to have found a partner like him. I don't live like a female and I have made that very clear to him. I told him that if you think of me as a female that is your view, but I consider myself a transgender and that is what I believe. If you keep me like transgender then I will stay with you. But he expects me to behave like a female. He wants me to cover my face infront of his brother and father, like a typical woman and I can't live like that. I used to feel like a woman before I realized I was a transgender, but once I found out, I no longer wished to be like a woman and wanted to live how a hijra does. I accept myself as a hijra and want him to accept that as well. Everyone even know that I haven't had a sex change operation. God has made me like this and I don't wish to change that and my activities will always be like a hijra's. If I wanted to be a female then why would I have joined the hijras or danced at bars? Females stay within their limits. They stay within the home, take care of their household and fulfill such duties. They don't go out to work like hijras, they don't go dance at bars! They are supposed to feel shy and be timid but I am not like that and do not wish to be. The problem is that my husband is very suspicious of me and my activities. He keeps a tab on me and all my activities, which is what I dislike. I tried to leave him but he did not leave me. He threatens me by saying that he will kill me if I leave him, and that is because he knows my weakness. He knows that I have no family or anybody to support me. I mean

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otherwise he is nice, he is willing to do anything for me but I don't like this suspicion of his. He has hit me so badly, even infront of his family. He has smashed a glass on my head. Somewhere he knows that I don't truly love him, I even tell him that. But he knows that he and his life has improved because of me. He knows that he has a house because of me. He knows I have a steady earning and that I earn quite a lot. Just because he is willing to go to any extent for me, doesn't mean that I must love him. I actually want to leave him. Love can't be enforced. Love is not about attaining someone. He serves me like a servant but he can't force me to love him. I live with him because I think of him like a friend. It is not like I don't value him, I do, but if I actually find a good boyfriend then I will be the world's happiest transgender. The person who I actually love, I can't meet him, because I am scared he will kill him.

Roopsie's narrative is especially interesting because she began telling her story, resembling the

story of many others. But, as the interview progressed, she began to unravel the many

contradictions of her story as well as her life. Here, what marks the break in her narration is that,

while in the initial part she portrayed a happy and harmonious picture of her relationship, towards

the end she revealed the violence and isolation and the interconnectedness between the two, that

is a crucial part of understanding intimate relationships in hijra lives.

Both these narratives brings out significant ways in which love and intimate relationships are

conceived and negotiated by the hijras. Though the two narratives and their understanding of love

and their own identity appear to be starkly different, I show how they are framed within the larger

heteronormative discourse, which the hijras have actually attempted to escape from.

Pallavi refers to her hijra life as being lonely. She recalled her adolescent age and her infatuation

that was condemned by her family because it involved another man. She hoped that being a

member of the hijra community would help her find love as the conventional restrictions would

no longer bind her. However, that was not the case. Even though becoming a hijra makes finding

love possible, the stigma attached to the identity penetrate even within an intimate relationship,

like it did with Pallavi's partner. Similarly, Roopsie's partner insisted on her behaving like a

female and fulfilling the role of a wife. While Pallavi wanted to fulfill the role of a wife as a

woman, Roopsie expressed strong disapproval of such expectations from her as she wished to

assert her transgender identity and be accepted as a hijra. While for some, these intimate

relationships act as a means for hijras to fulfill their gender role as a woman and doing womanly

duties, for others it is about being accepted for being a hijra, and not a woman. This brings out

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the heterogenous nature of hijra identities as it differs from individual to individual, even within

the hijra community. These narratives also describe the various forms of risks, dangers, violence

and loneliness associated with the practices of love and intimacy, much like other asymmetrical

relationships.

The behaviour and narratives of the respondents are informed by the society's response, reaction

and expectations. While they are accused of defying societal norms, many members of the hijra

community wish to conform to society's established norms. In such intimate relationships, the

common strand is the legitimation of their identity, either as a woman or as a hijra. Apart from

this, their choice of becoming hijras is greatly tied to their wish to have a long-term relationship

with men that fulfills their sexual, emotional and familial needs.

As Duberman (1997) observed, hijras express more feelings of romantic love than is generally

true of Indian wives, due to them being outside the structure of social obligation and arranged

marriage, which is the general norm in India.

Here it is also important to point out, that hijras do not conceive of their male partners in any way,

of being homosexual. This was evident in the way most hijras referred to themselves as women

in the relationship, rather than as hijras or males. Roopsie was an exception to this as she wanted

to be liberated from the confines of having to be a woman, expected to conform to restrictions

and norms, in the relationship.

For hijras, the sex change operation is a way for them to become physically as much like women

as possible. The physical transformation of finally getting rid of their male genitals makes them

identify and feel more like a woman and they believe, it truly fulfills them. Therefore, as seen

from many interactions, many hijras, like Pallavi are willing to go through a sex change operation

after they get into romantic relationships, so that they are able to fully accomplish the role of the

wife/girlfriend. However, there are a few like Roopsie, who embrace themselves and their body

as that of a hijra.

As from what emerged from the narratives, these individuals hold an ideal notion of love based

on abstract notions of love and sacrifice. This ideal notion, stems from the neglect and lack of

affection and acceptance from the familial relationships they previously experienced.

However, in their everyday negotiations, they are unable to attain these ideal notions of love that

they hoped to and while they consider their relationships as a transgression of and as a challenge

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to the heteronormative ideas of intimate relationships, I wish to argue here that they are equally

trapped within those ideas. The impossibility of the ideal notion of love and its unrealistic

expressions are evidence of this entrapment.

It is in these negotiations, that the community becomes most important, as it is a source from

which they derive their identity. The stamp of approval and support that one would look for in a

family, is provided for the hijra by the community. Both these aspects of the community being

imperative for their identity to be legitimized as well as the approval the relationship enables the

hijra to engage in intimate relationships of their choice.

Interestingly, while many of them escaped the violence of heteronormative love and relationships

when they moved away from their families, they find themselves confined within the same

structures when they get into these intimate relationships.

Hijras also make a clear distinction between sex and love. For them, love is more significant than

merely relationships based on sexual transactions as they believe love to be associated with

companionship, and sex, just as a pleasurable activity and as described by them, a need of the

body. While they value companionship, they sometimes also resort to sexual relations outside the

marriage or the official relationship, sometimes due to the compulsion of earning through sex

work, like in the case of Roopsie or to fill the void created by absense of a meaningful

relationship, as in the case of Pallavi. Having said this, the value attached to emotionally

satisfying, long term relationships is of utmost significance to most hijras. The fear of being

lonely or dying alone is a strong motivation to finding such relationships, even if it involves

violence.

Exploitative relationships

As I walked into the office on day, I heard Sanjana didi (a member of the hijra community who

was also an employee at the NGO) talking very sweetly to someone. She was wearing a bright

red bindi on her broad forehead, she wore her usual drop earrings and bangles, but I could tell she

had just reshaped her eyebrows. She looked nervous, yet thrilled.

When she kept the phone, she told me that she had met someone on the way to office.

He stopped to offer me a lift. I denied but he insisted. He works in construction close by. He hgave me a lift and didn't even ask for money! He claimed to be interested in

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me, but I am still wary. I don't know what he wants. You can never know with these men. I don't have faith in love anymore. My belief in love has shaken since my last relationship. I used to live with a man who I loved very much. But slowly, his true character came out. He started showing his true colors. He would return home drunk and beat me. He used to use me for my money and ask me to buy him things. When I realized this, I stopped spending on him or giving him any money. Then he started becoming violent with me. He started ill-treating me and abused me alot. Then I had to leave him and that house. Koi kisi ka nahi hota, sab matlab se hote hai (Nobody truly belongs to or loves anyone, everyone thinks about their own convenience). I have made it very clear to this guy who I was just talking to that he must not lie to me in anyway or betray me.

Many hijras spoke about exploitative relationships where men enter into relationships with them

as they are aware about their daily income. It is a general perception (as conveyed to me by the

respondents) that hijras make a lot of money. Men often express a desire to commit because they

believe that hijras are generous with their money, especially when it comes to fulfilling their

boyfriends' material desires. his assumption of greater value attached to ties such as intimate

relationships of love is also sometimes based on the fact that hijras have no ties or commitments

to their own families. Hijras are seen as easy targets and are considered vulnerable since they are

alone or because they live by themselves (most hijras move out after spending a few years

serving the guru in the dera).

The previous narratives also provide evidence to show that hijras are well aware of the risks and

dangers of relationships with men. On the one hand, they try to be cautious, but on the other, they

do not let this awareness come in the way of finding a man and getting into a relationship.

One of the employees of the NGO, during a conversation over lunch said “in giriyo ke chakkaro

mein mat padho” (Don't fall into the trap of such men). Aarti and Anita (members of the hijra

community) jumped at their defense and said that “just like all five fingers of our hands are not

alike, not all men are the same.” They clarified that though many men do enter relationships to

exploit them and that some turn out to be bad, there are many good men that exist as well, who

genuinely love them.

I met one such man, who had dedicated his entire life to a hijra and continues to fight not just for

her, but her entire community.

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Even though most of the narratives presented here make the nature of exploitation quite clear, I

present here another case which reveals that supportive relationships are possible and it reveals

the extent of belief and trust that hijras have over the power of love and the extent they go to seek

the same.

'Mallik jee', as everyone like to call him was a tall dusky man with a moustache. One would

always see him with his daughter, who was being raised by him and Rasbhari, his wife, the guru

of the hijra community in East Delhi.

She has supported me a lot and anyone who stands by you during tough times, you don't feel like leaving them, there is an attachment that grows, which doesn't let you let go of them, even if you want to. And that is the case whether the person is a man, a woman or even a hijra. All this depends on one's family as well, that to what extent they let you take the support of outsiders or be dependent on outside support. And when the family is unable to provide that kind of support, that is the only time one seeks support from a source outside the family, whether it be a friend or someone more than that. That is how other relationships starts mattering more or when we give it more value. There was a time in my life, I was facing a lot of hardships, I was put in jail, and that time when even my family decided to look away and give me any support, Rasbhari was there throughout to support me. She would come meet me everyday and showed me love and care, more than anyone, even my family, who I considered my own. That is why I don't care what the society has to say. It doesn't matter to me anymore what they say about hijras. I have seen good inside of her, I have seen her humanity, and the love she has for me. I know she will stand up for me in any situation and I will do the same for her. My presence in her life ensures that nodody takes advantage of her thinking that she has noone to rely on. People know that if they mess with her, I will not take it quietly. Moreover, hijras too, have a society of their own. They are faithful people. They have their own rules and regulations but if I have left my world, then I have joined theirs. They have everything in their world, one finds all kinds of relations. I believe in these relationships that are based on love, acceptance and support.

This is an example of an intimate relationship where support appears to go beyond a simple give

and take relationship based on reciprocity. While this relationships appears to be less exploitative

than most other relationships describes by hijras, it also shows similar patterns of returning to

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familial and community relationships, even for those engaging in relationships with hijras.

The man who has been in a relationship with a hijra for a long time expressed the loyalty he felt

towards her and her community because they stood by him, when his own family didn't. Here, it

is possible that the reason for the less exploitative nature of this relationship stems from the

empathy that the man feels towards his partner as he too, experienced isolation and oppression

within his own family. And while he acknowledges the break from his own family, he also

accepts his inclusion and integration within the community. While it is different from the

inclusion of transgenders within the community, it speaks volumes about the importance of the

support that a community provides for an individual who severs all ties or is ostracized from his

family or the society.

Aarti acknowledged that she was an exception to have found a loving husband whose family

accepts her, as it is rarely the case.

I just wish that noone has to live the life of a hijra...its terrible...see I was lucky I found the support of family and I found love in a great husband...most hijras don't get that kind of love and support, most get nothing!

While it is common for members of the hijra community to be in relationships or even get

married, it is rare that the families of either sides acknowledges or accepts the marriage. The only

source of acceptance and even encouragement comes from the community. However, in Aarti's

case, she was one of the few hijras who found acceptance in her husband's family.

Sacrifice

Navnisha's narrative has similar links with that of Pallavi, in terms of fulfilling their gender role

as a woman. However, it also indicates the sacrifices made to fulfill the ideal notion of love.

After I had my sex change operation, I embraced my identity as a woman and began a relationship with a man. I was with him for a long time and I loved him dearly. I bought him a bike, gifted him phones and fulfilled his every need. I even got him married to a girl so that he could have children. I wanted to maintain a good relationship with my boyfriend but I also wanted a good life for him. I wanted him to have kids and that was not something I could give him. My husband was taken away from me. He was shot by the police in an encounter. Till today, I take care of his wife and provide for his children. What sorrow have I not

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witnessed, everything was taken away from me after my man died.

One of the key informants later told me that “woh vansh nahi barha sakti toh usne apne dil par

patthar rakh kar shaadi karvayi” (she could not bear his children so she suppressed her feelings

and got him married so that he would not be denied the joy of having children).

I was also informed that Navnisha developed a drinking problem after her husband died.

It also points towards forms of negotiation, such as the marriage outside of the relationship, so as

to not deprive the man of continuing his legacy, even if it meant compromising a monogamous

relationship. In the Indian society, great emphasis is placed on one's ability to have children.

Someone who is unable to have children is not considered a true man or woman16. Therefore,

while the hijras accept their inability to bear children, they do not want the society to point a

finger at their partner or question his ability to have children. Here, it again relates to the

argument made about the patriarchal structure of the society where continuity of a family is given

importance, and one can see the desire for the reproduction of heteronormative notion of a family,

despite it being through unconventional means.

The ability to give love and the aspiration of receiving it forms an important part of the hijra

identity. As gathered from the narratives, they seek a relationship of mutual love and support, one

that they lacked throughout their lives. It is evident that finding a partner also has value to the

individual as they see it as a space where they can freely express themselves, even sexually, and

be accepted for it.

Love, to these individuals, is sacred, because it is something they feel they have been deprived of.

For them, being in a relationship also involves the aspiration to raise a family, even if it means

compromising on the exclusivity with their 'giriya'. These individuals expressed a desire to be

providers and give the love they never received.

The violence in these relationships replicates the previous injustices they faced before joining the

hijra community. Ironically, in order to overcome the experiences of everyday exclusions and the

overwhelming sense of societal unacceptance, hijras seek and resort to such intimate relationships.

These intimate relationships that are fraught with deep-seated contradictions, has significant

implications for the hijra's identity formation and expression. The hijras also appear to legitimize

16 Hijras disrupt the patrilineal system by their inability/refusal to procreate (Pamment, 2010)

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violence in relationships, to a certain extent, through the discourse of sacrifice, heterogeneity,

individual traits, correct moral conduct in society as so on.

Being hijra, doing Hijrapan

As West and Zimmerman (1987) argue “doing gender” is an ongoing activity, done in interaction

with others and is a product of social interaction. They also point out that there is an awareness

that doing gender will elicit judgment from others, therefore the person doing gender is

accountable for their gender performance.

In the hijra community, this issue of accountability is complex. Hijras do not behave within the

boundaries of normative gender scripts and this draws harsh judgment from others, outside the

hijra community. But, they are more accountable to the hijra community. This accountability is

fulfilled through following certain norms and cultural practices. Doing 'hijrapan' i.e. performing

their gender, which is neither male nor female, forms an essential component of their identity.

Hijrapan has multiple meanings. Simply, it is perceived as feminine characteristics in and

portrayed by a man. This behaviour goes against gender norms and is condemned by society at

large. Within the hijra community, however, this transgression of gender norms is in fact one of

the central planks on which the hijra identity rests. From within the community, hijrapan has both

positive and negative connotations. Positively, it denotes those distinct characteristics, that a hijra

feels naturally bound to express. There is also a collective ownership and acceptance of these

characteristics as will be discussed in the following sections. The negative connotation lies in the

fact that the hijra community, also condemns unnecessary display of ‘hijrapan’ which draws

ridicule from the larger society. This also creates the notion of optimum performance, whereby

the guru determines the 'acceptable self-expressions' of transgenders.

This complex interplay of accountability of gender performance and expression of identity and

the multiple connotations of these will be discussed through the practice of the 'taali' (clap),

mannerisms and the use of the body and language. In all these mannerisms, there is a sense of

ease with which the hijra is initiated into and learns these practices and the language. While they

articulate a 'naturalness' to these practices, it is clearly, also a learnt behaviour.

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The 'taali'

One such distinct characteristic as was discussed above, is their 'taali'. Achieving the sound that

this particular clap produces is very difficult. Pallavi spoke about how it took her a long time to

learn this clap after observing the other hijras around her. She took pride in the fact that this 'taali'

is unique and that everyone is not capable of this 'taali'.

You know, kothis and hijras use the clap in buses and other public places to scare people off from saying anything to them. If we clap then we don't even have to pay for the bus ticket. That is why we clap sometimes, to induce fear because we know people are scared of hijras and if we clap then they know we are hijras. Then they don't dare to say anything to us. Otherwise, actually clapping unnecessarily is considered rude amongst hijras. If we are sitting with other hijras and if we clap with no good reason, it is frowned upon and we shouldn't actually. It is only when here are fights or when we have to assert ourselves or show aggression, that we clap like this.

The sharp noise produced by their clapping conveys their presence and orientation quickly to

anyone in their surrounding. The hijra's 'taali' are two flat palms placed perpendicular to each

other and striking against each other, with fingers spread, as opposed to the common applause-

style, which typically involves joining hands together, with the fingers aligned to each other. It

produces a distinct loud sound that can be heard from quite a distance.

While this is commonly seen as a form of aggression or a way for extortion, it is also an instant

identification of the community they belong to. It is an essential part of their identity as a hijra

and it is used to communicate the same.

In the guru-chela relationship, as mentioned before, apart from the various rules and regulations

that the apprenticeship teaches them, newcomers also have to learn this particular way of

clapping. While it is considered rude to clap in front of gurus, the same clap is important for

hijras to be able to assert themselves as well as use aggression to negotiate the humiliation they

face, within the community and outside.

Mannerisms and the use of the body

I witnessed their 'hijrapan' through various mannerisms, some that they were taught and some

that they picked up while being in the community. Most of these mannerisms has strong feminine

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characteristics, however, they were exaggerated, giving the impression that they wanted to assert

their feminine side and prove their femininity. One such mannerism was them striking sexually

suggestive feminine poses. This involved the overt use of their hands and fingers that they then

would place above their breast with the fingers gracefully pointing downwards. I observed them

swaying around their dupattas and saree 'pallus' (the part of the saree that hangs off the shoulders)

as if they were in an old movie, where the heroine would seduce their hero by putting the corner

of the cloth to their teeth, while shying away. They would also break into dances and songs very

often, where they would do classical dance eye movements to express the emotion of the song

they were singing. Even while walking, hijras would sway their hips from side to side in a

dramatic manner.

Among the many other feminine mannerisms, they would also do an exaggerated embarrassed

giggling, where they covered their face with their hands. They would do this mostly if one spoke

about their man or if someone spoke about sex. They would also do this if someone

complimented them for their looks. Apart from these, many hijras would also make sexual

gestures, especially in the presence of a man. They would speak in a flirtatious manner and touch

the man whenever there was an opportunity.

However, Navnisha and Pallavi also spoke about how these exaggerated actions can also lead to

negative reactions or humiliating situations, whereby men mock these mannerisms and view it as

an invitation to misbehave with them.

See now if one speaks like this (demonstrating/showing dramatically how hijras can be too touchy), then they are bound to be letched at. If we walk straight, no one will bother making fun of us or doing anything more.

Aarti too believes that since hijras cannot give up their natural instincts such as 'clapping' and

displaying feminine behaviour, the society is unable to accept them.

Earlier, I would dress like a gay person and did not know I was a hijra, but then I decided I wanted to join this community. See, our behaviour and how we are from within can never change, which is why I wanted to be a hijra. I was always more interested in walking like a girl, dressing like one, putting lipstick...I always knew I felt nothing like a man. I guess I always felt like a hijra, so now I am one. If we do 'chichorapanti' (sexually suggestive gestures, as explained in the earlier section) or 'hijrapan', then people will react to that in a negative way but if we walk

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commanding respect, and conduct ourselves in a proper manner, nobody will say anything or misbehave.

The body is not only used in to express their femininity through their mannerisms, but also to

establish themselves as a hijra, not just within the community but also to the outside world. One

of the ways to do this is through castration. It is seen as the only way to legitimize one's gender,

by removing the male parts from the body, to completely dissociate oneself from the male gender.

Roopsie, spoke about the significance of castration, to achieve the hijra identity, so as to be able

to convince the society of their identity. Here, the motivation lies in being able to use their hijra

body to their advantage17, like in situations where threat of revealing their genitals can result in

fear and therefore, more money.

To stay with the hijras, one has to become one, otherwise they won't let you live. I don't want to get a sex change operation, but maybe I will have to get it done, otherwise hijras keep taunting and saying “aadmi ho kar hijra bana parha hai” (despite being a male, you keep acting like a hijra). Hijras know that the person infront of them is a transgender but they still want them to get a sex change operation, because they know that people in society only accept those as hijras, who are castrated. Also, because hijras are often asked to get naked and then if people see them with their male parts, they don't believe them. Also, when hijras go to do toli, they have to threaten to show their parts so that people give more money out of fear, but somtimes we come across shameless people who don't get scared and infact ask us to show us their parts, then what will we do? Agar hijre nahi dhamkayenge ki mein nangi ho jaungo babuji, toh banda badhai bhi nahi dega (if hijras don't threaten to get naked, then the person doesn't give money easily). Sharaafat se maango toh thama denge 500 rupaye lekin jab haraamgardi pe aayega hijra, tabhi toh woh 1000 nikalega (If we ask nicely then they will give just 500 but it is only when we are aggressive or we misbehave, that they give 1000).

Language and abuses

Language is another way of marking out the hijra community. The language that is specific to the

community, known as 'farsi', includes feminine expressions, intonations and female kinship terms

apart from specific terms used for those unlike them or for men. Some of the terms in this 17 Pamment (2010) explains the impact of castration of hijras on their audience. He views it as them playing upon their own supposed impotence to evoke fear and an almost ‘Freudian subliminal castration anxiety’.

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language may seem derogatory, but it is meant to be humorous for them. On the field, I learnt

some terms in their language, but I was strictly told not to use them, as they do not like laymen

knowing their language, as it is a community-specific language and meant to be used only by

them amongst each other, sometimes even to refer to others in their presence so that they may not

understand.

Pallavi spoke about how she used to be fluent in English, However, she was gradually forgot the

language because there was noone else to communicate in English with. She later also confessed

that when she did try to speak in English, her guru and the other chelas would think that she was

showing off. To avoid any negativity from them, she stopped speaking English and gradually lost

practice.

This is an instance where the apprenticeship, apart from teaching the new ways also involves

giving up the old ones. What one was before (before joining the hijra community), must be

forgotten. Newcomers are not only expected to forget their old life, but they are also expected to

be similar to all the others in the community, so that uniformity can be maintained. Here,

uniformity is significant so that there is no questioning of the guru's authority or knowledge.

Abusive words in their language- farsi and otherwise are used to threaten people to extort more

money and in some cases, it is used as a sign of aggression, when they face challenging situations.

These challenging situations may arise at their sites of work, where they often get into

confrontations with people and even the police. While they restrict the use of abusive language in

front of the police, they do vent their frustration through harsh abusive words, behind their backs.

Apart from abusive words, they also use certain derogatory terms for men who are effeminate but

have not come out as hijras, as they are considered as cowards who have not been able to

acknowledge and express their identity.

Even as they negotiate or create an aggressive space where they clap or threaten to raise their

sarees, they are aware that it is such behaviour that isolates them further. At the same time, they

are unable to break out of these behaviours and mannerisms because it is what defines them.

These are practices that define them as being part of the community. Many hijras articulated the

distinction between being a hijra and expressing hijrapan with its negative connotations. They are

aware that there is disrespect associated with a certain kind of doing of hijrapan. Yet, they are

unable to break out of it because of two reasons, one is that it is a collective strategy taught to

85

them through the guru-chela relationship, that becomes embedded in the expression of their

identity and the other is because they are aware that if they break away from such practices, their

identity as a 'hijra' may be compromised, for which they may have to face consequences.

On the one hand there is a belief that if one does not display the typical feminine characteristics

and go above and beyond themselves to express their femininity, they are not going to find a man.

But on the other hand, there are many fascinating ways in which they challenge patriarchy and

the idea of being a man by being both the man and woman in the roles that they fulfill, as seen in

the previous sections.

Hijras are caught in the paradox of the assertion of their identities and the violence and

exploitation that emerges from this assertion.

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CHAPTER 5

CONCLUSION

This research attempted to explore the lived realities of transgenders who enter the hijra

community and strategies of negotiation they use, in order to address the social exclusion and

oppression they face, both within the family, and subsequently in the community and the larger

society. The research also highlighted certain themes to provide insight into the journey of

'becoming hijra' by examining the life histories and narratives of the respondents.

Some of the interpretations fall within a broad understanding of the gender binary and the ways

in which they have been challenged in the lives of the hijras. However, in the narratives it is quite

clear that the hijras did not consciously set out to challenge the gender binary.

What comes across through these narratives is strong sense of hijra personhood and identity,

which may not have been intended to challenge any norms or necessarily even be caught in the

binary. However, the complexity of this identity is not captured in the politics of representation.

In the first chapter, I have introduced my research topic as well as the individuals who were

chosen in the study. I have made a distinction between transgenders and hijras so as to be able to

clearly distinguish the journey of a transgender into 'becoming a hijra' by joining the community.

The chapter includes a literature review, that explores various concepts and documents that were

relevant to the study and informed the understanding of the subject being studied. It gives an

overview of the themes that recurrently emerged during the course of the research. Amongst the

other topics covered in this chapter, were the research questions and objectives, theoretical

perspectives and theories used as well the methodology undertaken for the study, challenges and

ethical considerations, in order to be able to justify the process of research. I have conveyed the

rationale of the research in the form of the motivations that emerged before and during the course

of the study, while also placing it within the larger context of the enabling the implementation of

affirmative action intended by the state.

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The second chapter 'Childhood and Family' uncovers the findings on childhood and the primary

institutions of care in the lives of transgenders. It deals with the aspects involved in

understanding and forming the notion of 'self' through collective narratives, as a way of

legitimizing their identity. Even though there is a sense of oneness within the community, the

narratives point to individual voices and the heterogenous nature of the community.

The chapter explores the narratives of the individuals to trace the motivations and compulsions

for joining a pre-existing community, negotiating a social space for themselves. Certain other

themes that stood out and therefore have also been dealt with are neglect by the primary

institutions of care, role of financial difficulties in decision-making as well as the notions of

shame and honour. All of these factors played a significant role in the decision of transgenders to

enter the fold of the hijra community.

It provides insights into the oppression, discrimination and violence faced by the respondents at

the hands of the primary institutions of care and the impact that humiliation has on the identity of

individuals as well as the choices that one makes in the course of their life. It also brings out the

various ways in which the respondents found reconciliation within the community and the ways

in which they cope with the unacceptance and lack of care. The quest to find alternative spaces

that provide the acceptance and care that the family was unable to provide. However, in these

alternative spaces too, the reproduction of some of the familial and familiar oppressive structures,

have been highlighted.

Chapter three deals with the world of work, before and after joining the hijra community. It

describes the forms of exclusion and harassment faced by transgenders when they attempt to lead

a 'normal' life and work in an office environment. Strong notions of personhood emerged through

their narratives along with the agony of having to compromise on their identity. Here, joining the

hijra community has been viewed as a strategy to negotiate a space where they can be themselves,

as well as find means of livelihood, in order to be self-reliant. Work has been viewed as a

significant aspect in the expression of their identities as well as their interaction with the world

outside of their own community.

The chapter then delves into the new relationships that are formed through the 'guru-chela

relationship', and the new world of work and the demands that emerge from it. It describes in

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detail the process of induction to the hijra community, the subsequent role of apprenticeship as

well as the challenges faced in their world of work, namely, begging and sex work. The role of

discrimination, harassment, humiliation and the resulting experience of exclusion on their self-

perception and the work they are involved in has been discussed.

In the last chapter, 'Love, Intimate Relationships and Hijrapan', I have explored fundamental

ways my respondents express their identities as hijras and the ways in which they negotiate that

expression. Having faced violence and oppression from the primary institutions of care, they turn

to other intimate relations such as the guru-chela relationship, relationships of love with their

giriya and their community as way of expressing their identity (as a way of expressing their

femininity, hijrapan).

If childhood and family, the world of work and intimate relationships are the central planks on

which the identity of a hijra is formed, apprenticeship is the crucial link that enables these aspects

that form their identity.

In order to trace social exclusion through the subjective experiences of the respondents, I have

viewed the non-recognition of Hijras as resulting in their deprivation that further prevents them

from positioning themselves in society with recognition of their full human potential and dignity.

In the study, the moralistic standpoints regarding gender and sexualities of the mainstream

society where diversity is synonymous with deviation and deprivation, has been explored as one

of the main reasons for the exclusion of transgenders and further, the Hijra community. These

moralistic standpoints use the argument of 'naturalness' to reinforce their claims to the

heteronormative order.

Some forms of social exclusion faced by transgenders part of the Hijra community include

exclusion from family leading to exclusion from social and cultural participation, harassment at

home by parents, relatives and neighbours which includes humiliation and violence, lack of role

models, deliberate use of disrespectful names and pronouns (labelling), difficulty in finding

housing facilities as owners hesitate to rent rooms to members of the hijra community, lack of

protection from state authorities such as the police which also includes physical and verbal abuse,

forced sex, extortion of money and materials and arrests on false allegations, restricted access to

education, health services and public spaces as well as exclusion from economic, employment

and livelihood opportunities. This is made worse by the discrimination they face from employers

89

due to their feminine characteristics, sometimes even despite being qualified for the job.

Due to their feminine behaviour, these individuals encounter serial harassments, gross human

rights violation, ostracism, extreme forms of discrimination and systematic abuse beginning at

home, extending, and unfolding to all spheres of their life. Many were abused at workplaces,

eventually ousted from jobs. Those involved in prostitution, are harassed verbally, physically,

sexually and also mentally. They are assaulted in public places, in buses and trains. Wherever or

whenever these incidents take place, they don't have a source to seek support. Not the

perpetrators, rather Hijras are accused and punished in most cases. As a result, their human

dignity and self-esteem is affected. It reinforces their belief that they are unfit for the society.

This is the notion with which even I began the study, but through the course of interaction, I

realized that the basis of the community lay in intimate relationships and how enabling such

relationships can be. For instance the guru-chela relationship, an intimate relationship, enables an

individual to learn and connect to the larger group, enabling them to find a place to live in, find a

man and work. However, such relationships are not always based on choice, rather the lack of it

and it does come with certain costs or compromises that an individual is compelled to make.

Such intimate relationships are also the spaces in which they are able to express their identity.

Even though we physically see them express their identity on the streets, in the deras or when

they participate in toli-badhai, the root of their identity lies in the guru-chela relationship rather

than the community. The fact that they move into the guru chela relationship has its root in their

biological family that they leave. Finding the guru, to enter the community, to then find work and

other sources of love and acceptance is also a strategy to cope with the exclusion faced within

their own families. Inspite of recognizing the enabling characteristics of the community, I have

also tried to elucidate the nature of violence and exploitation that exists within the community, in

order to be able to explain the impact of both the enabling as well as exploitative characteristics

of the community and the guru-chela relationship on the identity of a hijra.

With the example of Hijras in India, we see how society constructs certain notions of gender

which affects the way people from different gender categories interact with one another socially.

If the guru-chela relationship is the anchor within the whole structure of the community, as

argued in this research, it may be used as a tool to bring incremental changes to the condition of

such excluded individuals. While there is ethnographic research describing the structure of the

90

hijra community, along with its customs, rules and regulations, what remains to be understood is

the point of view of the individuals within the community and the negotiations of their everyday

struggles. This understanding can be used to involve the community to bring more effective and

immediate changes with the help of legal frameworks. Engagement with the community, to

understand their daily struggles can improve the knowledge and approach taken, by the law and

other institutions, to improve their condition in society. Having said this, it is also important to

create inclusive spaces within society in order to be able to integrate them and utilize the policies

being made available for the 'third gender'.

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APPENDIX

INTERVIEW GUIDE 1st Segment

Name Age Place of Birth Work Profile Current Residence

2nd Segment

Background/growing up/family relations Work Shifts in work over the years Living arrangements and changes People involved during and in the changes Reasons for the shifts Exclusion/Public Life

Questions (order and wording varied based on responses)

When did you become aware of your inner gender?

How was it growing up as a transgender/what was the process of 'finding yourself' like?

How would you describe your relationship with your family? (now and before)

As an adolescent, what were the challenges you faced? How did you overcome them?

What kind of an experience did you have in school? Did you complete your schooling?

Did you attend college?

Are your family members and friends aware that you identify as a hijra?

What was the response of your closed ones when you disclosed your identity?

Have you had any encounters with the police or any other government official? If yes, describe

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those incidents.

How have you dealt with the responses from the police? What has been your learning from it?

Do you have a voting ID, Aadhar card and bank account? Did you face any challenges applying

for it?

What kind of public places do you visit?

Where do you shop for your daily needs?

Where do you buy clothes and make-up?

Do you visit places for fun/leisure activities in the city? If yes, where? Who do you go with?

What is the experience you have had?/ What kind of reactions do you get when you are in these

places?

Where do you work? What kind of work are you currently involved in?

Have you worked anywhere prior to joining the hijra community? If yes, where/what kind of

work?

How has your experience of work in these workplaces been?

Do you think there are things that stop you from achieving your dreams/goals?

What according to you, is your biggest constraint in living a life that you envision for yourself?

Have you face any form of violence? If yes, by whom and why?

Have you ever been discriminated against, based on your gender? If yes, how? Please elaborate.

Do you/have you ever felt excluded? If yes, how/why?

What has been your response to such exclusionary practices/incidents? What kind of impact have

these experiences had on you?

Do you think such incidents/experiences have changed your outlook about life, yourself or

society? IF yes, how? Please elaborate.