Dealing with ConflictDealing with Conflict and Difficult People and Difficult People

Dave Jenkins, DMin, LMFTDave Jenkins, DMin, LMFT

Family Room ServicesFamily Room Services

Lessons of AwarenessLessons of Awareness

Understanding yourself is the backdrop for Understanding yourself is the backdrop for interacting with othersinteracting with others

What’s the difference between a What’s the difference between a – Thermometer andThermometer and– Thermostat Thermostat

Self awareness helps you set the toneSelf awareness helps you set the tone

Who Are YouWho Are You

Where does your identity start?Where does your identity start?

What’s your purpose in life?What’s your purpose in life?

What keeps you balanced?What keeps you balanced?

FamilyFamily

Source of culture and ethnicitySource of culture and ethnicity

Gender identificationGender identification

DNADNA

InteractionsInteractions

When we interaction with others, parts of When we interaction with others, parts of ourselves collide with parts of othersourselves collide with parts of others

What we value guides our character What we value guides our character though the collisionthough the collision

Our family of origin is our template for the Our family of origin is our template for the interactioninteraction

Ways of DealingWays of Dealing

AggressiveAggressive

Avoiding Avoiding

PassivePassive

AssertiveAssertive

CharacterCharacterCharacter is the sum of your behaviors, Character is the sum of your behaviors, patterns, and habits. patterns, and habits.

In the work place, character should always In the work place, character should always be professional and tactful.be professional and tactful.

RespectRespect

Is it earned or granted?Is it earned or granted?

Who controls your respect?Who controls your respect?

Should you respect disrespectful people?Should you respect disrespectful people?

The Problem With The Problem With Other PeopleOther People

The Difficult PersonThe Difficult Person

People are difficult for many different People are difficult for many different reasons:reasons:– Medical illness/IntoxicationMedical illness/Intoxication– Psychiatric or emotional illnessPsychiatric or emotional illness– Personality DysfunctionPersonality Dysfunction– Significant StressSignificant Stress– Ulterior MotivationsUlterior Motivations– Poor social & interpersonal skillsPoor social & interpersonal skills

Words that Promote ConflictWords that Promote Conflict

““You must…”You must…”““You lied to me”You lied to me”““This is so typical of you…”This is so typical of you…”““You always / you never”You always / you never”““The problem is…”The problem is…”““If you don’t do this, then…”If you don’t do this, then…”““You’ll never change”You’ll never change”““You’re being hysterical”You’re being hysterical”

Signs to be alert for:Signs to be alert for:

Angry demeanor or other excessive emotionAngry demeanor or other excessive emotionMuscle twitchesMuscle twitchesUnusual facial expression, poor eye contactUnusual facial expression, poor eye contactIntimidating body posture or voice inflectionIntimidating body posture or voice inflectionInappropriate words or actionsInappropriate words or actionsSweating, hand wringingSweating, hand wringingSilence, lack of cooperationSilence, lack of cooperationVagueness, unclear responsesVagueness, unclear responsesSlurred speech, confused or disorganized Slurred speech, confused or disorganized thoughts.thoughts.

““Individuals behave in a difficult manner Individuals behave in a difficult manner because they have learned that doing so because they have learned that doing so keeps others off balance and incapable of keeps others off balance and incapable of

effective action.” effective action.”

sayssays Robert M. Bramson, Ph.D., Robert M. Bramson, Ph.D., author of author of Coping with Difficult PeopleCoping with Difficult People

Cranky PeopleCranky People

Some people may be Some people may be purposefully cranky purposefully cranky because it helps them get because it helps them get their own way. their own way.

For others, crankiness is For others, crankiness is simply a reflection of their simply a reflection of their own inner turmoil.own inner turmoil.

Why are people cranky?

How to Deal with Cranky How to Deal with Cranky PeoplePeople

Try to determine the real message the Try to determine the real message the person is telling you.person is telling you.

Are Are youyou any part of the problem? any part of the problem?

What can you change about What can you change about your ownyour own behavior?behavior?

Don’t remain silent. Agree with any part of Don’t remain silent. Agree with any part of the cranky person’s statement that may be the cranky person’s statement that may be true.true.

Aggressive PeopleAggressive People

Overly aggressive Overly aggressive people expect others to people expect others to either: either: – Run away from themRun away from them– React the sameReact the same

How to Deal with Aggressive How to Deal with Aggressive PeoplePeople

Stand up to them, but don’t fight.Stand up to them, but don’t fight.

Wait for them to run out of some steam.Wait for them to run out of some steam.

Call the hostile person by name and assert Call the hostile person by name and assert your own opinions with confidence.your own opinions with confidence.– ““Mr. Jones, I disagree with you.”Mr. Jones, I disagree with you.”– ““Mary, you interrupted me. We can discuss Mary, you interrupted me. We can discuss

my proposal after you listen to it.”my proposal after you listen to it.”

Subtle SnipersSubtle Snipers

These people are These people are experts in pot shots and experts in pot shots and sneak attacks in subtle sneak attacks in subtle ways, such as:ways, such as:– Humorous put downsHumorous put downs– Sarcastic tones of voiceSarcastic tones of voice– Disapproving looksDisapproving looks– InnuendosInnuendos

How to Deal with Subtle How to Deal with Subtle SnipersSnipers

Respond to the sniper with a question.Respond to the sniper with a question.– ““That sounds like you’re making fun of me. Are you?”That sounds like you’re making fun of me. Are you?”– ““What are you trying to tell me with that look?”What are you trying to tell me with that look?”– ““Did you really mean what you said?”Did you really mean what you said?”

A sniper will usually respond with denial or A sniper will usually respond with denial or volley the responsibility to you.volley the responsibility to you.– ““I’m only joking.”I’m only joking.”– ““You’re so serious. Can’t you take a joke?”You’re so serious. Can’t you take a joke?”

Address them directly lessens the chance Address them directly lessens the chance of similar attacks in the future.of similar attacks in the future.

ComplainersComplainers These people have little faith These people have little faith in themselves or others to in themselves or others to truly make a difference.truly make a difference.

Their constant Their constant discouragement and discouragement and complaining can bring complaining can bring everyone to despair.everyone to despair.

It’s how they attempt to It’s how they attempt to control their environmentcontrol their environment

Silent PeopleSilent PeopleThey are like turtles who They are like turtles who retreat into the safety of retreat into the safety of their shells to avoid their shells to avoid conflict and conflict and responsibility.responsibility.

They get away with not They get away with not talking because most talking because most people are people are uncomfortable with uncomfortable with silence and are too silence and are too quick to fill in the gaps.quick to fill in the gaps.

How to Deal with Silent How to Deal with Silent PeoplePeople

Help them feel safe by developing a rapportHelp them feel safe by developing a rapport

Ask them questions that cannot be answered Ask them questions that cannot be answered with just a “yes” or “no”, such as:with just a “yes” or “no”, such as:– ““Would you please help me understand the problem Would you please help me understand the problem

you are facing?”you are facing?”

Get comfortable with silence waiting for their Get comfortable with silence waiting for their response. Then, if the silent person won’t response. Then, if the silent person won’t respond, set another date to discuss the matter.respond, set another date to discuss the matter.

How to Deal with ComplainersHow to Deal with Complainers

Don’t try to argue them out of their Don’t try to argue them out of their negativity.negativity.

Respond with your own optimistic Respond with your own optimistic expectations.expectations.– ““I think that everything will turn out great.”I think that everything will turn out great.”– ““I am sure we will get done on time.”I am sure we will get done on time.”

Which type are youWhich type are you

Type I: Unconscious complainingType I: Unconscious complaining

Type II: Conscious complainingType II: Conscious complaining

Type III: Conscious gratitudeType III: Conscious gratitude

Type IV: Unconscious gratitudeType IV: Unconscious gratitude

Don’t #1Don’t #1

A difficult person’s behavior A difficult person’s behavior is habitual. is habitual.

S/He behaves this way S/He behaves this way with most people.with most people.

Don’t take the difficult person’s behavior personally.

Don’t #2Don’t #2

Think of other people who Think of other people who have faced adversity and have faced adversity and have not become difficult. have not become difficult.

You lose control when you You lose control when you make excuses for difficult make excuses for difficult people.people.

This enables them to This enables them to violate your boundariesviolate your boundaries

Don’t make excuses for the difficult person’s behavior.

Don’t #3Don’t #3

Don’t try to beat them at Don’t try to beat them at their own game. They have their own game. They have been practicing their skills been practicing their skills for a long time, and you for a long time, and you are a beginner by are a beginner by comparison.comparison.

Don’t fight back using their skills.

Don’t #4Don’t #4

It won’t work because It won’t work because difficult people have an difficult people have an insatiable appetite for insatiable appetite for more.more.

They are often insecure They are often insecure and arrogant.and arrogant.

Don’t try to appease them.

Don’t #5Don’t #5

You can’t change other You can’t change other people.people.

You can only change your You can only change your response to their behavior.response to their behavior.

By changing your By changing your responses, they may responses, they may decide to change…or they decide to change…or they may not. However, may not. However, youyou will will feel better.feel better.

Don’t try to change the difficult person.

You’re Responsible You’re Responsible

For YouFor You

Communicating CivilityCommunicating Civility• Remember pleasantries• No interrupting• Be open-minded• Say what you mean/

mean what you say• Be aware of your tone and volume

Communicating Civility (cont.)Communicating Civility (cont.)• Address conflicts in private when possible• Be aware of your own defensiveness• Depersonalize your comments• Avoid accusations / ask questions instead• Allow others to respond and give them your

attention• Use active listening skills

Communicating Civility (cont.)Communicating Civility (cont.)

• Don’t argue for the sake of arguing / PICK YOUR BATTLES

• Be respectful, even in disagreement• Consider that you could be wrong• Set appropriate boundaries• Be assertive

PracticingPracticing

Standing up for yourself Standing up for yourself in a compassionate and in a compassionate and respectful manner.respectful manner.Be more confident.Be more confident.Choose to enjoy your Choose to enjoy your workdays. workdays. You will break the You will break the difficult person’s ability difficult person’s ability to interfere with your to interfere with your effectiveness.effectiveness.

More Than The Golden RuleMore Than The Golden Rule

Treat others better than they treat you. Treat others better than they treat you.

Never be rude, unkind or intimidating.Never be rude, unkind or intimidating.

If you judge, judge people fairly. If you judge, judge people fairly.

Do your job with professionalism, tact and Do your job with professionalism, tact and thoughtfulness.thoughtfulness.

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