DICK

WHITTINGTON AND HIS CAT

A pantomime

By

Dave Jeanes

EXCERPT

The Players

Dick -----Our hero

Alice ----- His love

Alderman Fitzwarryn ----- Landed gentry

Idle Jack ----- Ne’er-do-well

Miss Cicely Everdere ----- Cook

Hercules ----- Captain

Hugh There ----- Mate

King Rat ----- A rat

Tommy ----- A cat

Bob & Weave ----- Street rats

The Fairy Bow Bells ----- Secret immortal

Herringa ----- Queen of the Seagulls

A full Chorus of Deckhands, Customers, Pirates, Seagulls… and Rats!

SUGGESTED MUSICAL NUMBERS

1. After The Fox (King Rat & CHORUS) {by Hal David & Burt Bacharach}

2. You Can’t Have Everything (Bob & Weave) {by Jimmy Durante}

3. Many A New Day (Dick & Alice) {by Rodgers & Hammerstein}

4. It’s A Good Day (Cicely & CHORUS) {by David Barbour & Peggy Lee}

5. My Hat’s On The Side Of My Head (Jack, Dick & CHORUS) {by Harry M. Woods & Claude

Hurlburt}

6. Together (Wherever We Go) (Dick, Alice & Tommy) {by Steven Sondheim & Jule Styne}

7. I’ll Be Seeing You (Alice) {by Sammy Fain & Irving Kahal}

8. Fly Home Little Heart (Dick) {by Christopher Hassall & Ivor Novello}

9. The Colours Of My Life (CHORUS) {by Cy Coleman & Michael Stewart}

10. The Sailor With The Navy Blue Eyes (CHORUS) {by Hoffman, Mizzy & Taylor}

11. Keep Fit (ALL) {by George Formby}

12. Castle On A Cloud (Alice) {by Herbert Kretzmer & Claude-Michel Schonberg}

13. Hi-Tiddly-Hi-Ti Island (ALL) {by George Formby}

14. Two Little Words (ALL) {by Kander & Ebb}

Synopsis of scenes

ACT I

1. Fitzwarryn’s Stores (Exterior) [FULL]

2. On The River [1/4]

3. Fitzwarryn’s Stores (Interior) [FULL]

4. Highgate Hill [1/4]

5. Dream Sequence [FULL]

ACT II

6. At Sea [FULL]

7. Landfill Island [1/4]

8. Seagulls Palace [FULL]

9. On Dry Land (Songsheet) [1/4]

10. The Lord Mayor’s Show (Finale) [FULL]

ACT I

Scene 1 – Fitzwarryn’s Stores

(The CHORUS are set OS as RATS

KING RAT enters DSL)

Song 1 – (KING RAT & CHORUS)

KING RAT: Ha ha ha! Be silent, feeble beings! I am King here! I will

have no interferences except those of my own choosing. Or cheesing! See! The

teeming ferocious band of rats that scuttle and scurry at my feet! They are here

to obey my every evil bidding! Soon, all the plebeians of this newly-crowned

City will tremble and quake at my massed gang of nimble-footed rodents. Then,

the City of London will be mine! All mine!

FX: Flash SR

(FAIRY BOW BELLS enters DSR)

FAIRY: Well, we’ll see about that!

You nasty old rat!

KING RAT: Old! I am not old, you footling Fairy! I’m just badly lit,

that’s all.

FAIRY: Be that as it may

We’ll have no more of you today

The City is no place for vermin…

KING RAT: Wait! Wait! Before you think up a rhyme for vermin… (To

AUDIENCE) There IS only one. I have work to do. I have no time to exchange

trifles with fairies. Would that there were time, but there is not.

FAIRY: I’m glad to hear it, rat. Be off with you

I, myself, have better things to do

KING RAT: How dare you! A mere Fairy, talk to a King like ME in that

manner!

FAIRY: A King? You? Why, that’s a laugh

Tell me, when did you last take a bath?

You’ve spent too long down in the drains

You’re getting up my nose again!

KING RAT: There’s no need for you to be offensive. The end could

Come sooner than you think, my wing-ed wonder. My dreadful horde have

waited patiently for these days. And now, with the monstrous piles of rubbish

accumulating on these streets, there is nothing, nay, nothing, to stop MY rats

from taking control of London and wresting power from the ones that currently

hold sway!

FAIRY: Hot air, hot air. I’ll thwart your plan

There comes today an honest man

A boy, who though, first misunderstood

Will be the pride of the neighbourhood!

KING RAT: Honest? Hmm, that is a word that makes my blood boil!

Who is this, boy?

FAIRY: Soon, you will see, oh, lord of rats

London has no need for a King like that

Dick Whittington shall rule this place

And we’ll see no more of your ugly face. (She exits DSR)

KING RAT: Pah! An idle threat. There is nothing to stop me now! So, she

sends for a young man, - a boy! So what? For now, just know this! In this land,

at this time, I am King! King Rat!

(CHORUS exit L&R)

KING RAT: And what finer felon than me could there be to lord it over

this fetid, pathetic City? London! The greatest City of all time? Filled with

ladies, gentlemen, girls and boys. Cats and dogs, mice and… rats. Which

reminds me… Where are my evil ratlings?

(BOB & WEAVE enter DSR carrying WHEELIE BINS [BOB’s BIN labelled 40

& WEAVE’s 39])

BOB: Here we be, your Ratjesty.

WEAVE: Yes, we heard you rattling.

KING RAT: Not rattling, you fools! Rat-lings! Ah! These must be the

wheeled bins. Excellent work, my fine employees. These wheeled bins are key

to my plans. For soon, it will become law that all of the citizens of London shall

be required to use them! For disposal! Those poor fools. They never realize that,

far from keeping the City clean and tidy, they are actually feeding us! My rats

are becoming larger! Rather than having to forage for food, - like animals, now,

we simply wheel it all away. On a certain, proscribed day! Fools! They don’t

think! Ha ha ha! A moveable feast indeed! In but a few short months, my well-

fed army will take over the City and I will be swept, literally, hee hee, to power!

WEAVE: (To BOB) Got it all worked out, hasn’t he?

BOB: Oh, yes. You can tell he knows a thing. Or two.

KING RAT: Silence, you two! My evil plan must proceed to the next

level. Let every citizen be sure that whatever they may be up to, the King of

rats, i.e. me, is up and about before them. Ha ha ha! (He exits DSL)

WEAVE: (To BOB) He’s nice isn’t he? Best boss we’ve had for years.

BOB: He pays well, yes. And the hours are good.

WEAVE: Yes.

BOB: Some of the minutes aren’t much to write home about still,

you can’t have everything. Beggars can’t be choosers.

WEAVE: What about if you choose to be a beggar?

BOB: Well, that’s different. Obviously. Come on, we need to put

the bins out.

WEAVE: Wait a minute, wait a minute.

BOB: What now?

WEAVE: What about the introductions?

BOB: The what?

WEAVE: The introductions. Where we say, “Hello” to everybody.

BOB: Who?

WEAVE: Us. I mean, them. (Indicates AUDIENCE) Out there.

BOB: Out there? Whatever for?

WEAVE: Well, they might get lonely. Sitting down there in the dark

all night. (Points) Look at that one down there. He’s still got his jacket on.

BOB: He’s supposed to have his jacket on. He’s in the orchestra.

WEAVE: Why’s he wearing a watch?

BOB: I don’t know. So he can keep time, I suppose.

WEAVE: All we have to do is say, “Hello.”

BOB: Hello! Right. Let’s get off.

WEAVE: Not like that. Say it like you mean it. Like you really care.

BOB: I can’t.

WEAVE: Why not?

BOB: I don’t.

WEAVE: Don’t what?

BOB: Don’t care.

WEAVE: Well then, you’ll just have to pretend, that’s all.

BOB: I’m not that good an actor.

WEAVE: Don’t worry. They can tell that already.

BOB: Hello people! I’m Bob. We’ve…

WEAVE: Yes?

BOB: What?

WEAVE: You called me. You said, “Weave.” That’s my name.

You’re Bob. And I’m Weave.

BOB: I know that, stupid. I was just saying, ‘we’ve.’ Not ‘Weave.’

WEAVE: Oh. Good. Well, that’s cleared that up.

BOB: What I was saying was, I’m Bob. And we’ve been sent here

to do evil deeds for the boss back there. You just met him.

WEAVE: The dark devilish one.

BOB: Although he has got a funny side.

WEAVE: Yeah, - around the back – his back…

BOB: Now look! Don’t start all that. There’s far too much rude

stuff goes on these days as it is. If the audience want to think rude things, they

can make up their own. We’re having none of it.

WEAVE: Spoilsport. Everyone likes a bit of a laugh, don’t they? They

should see me, first thing in the morning.

BOB: Why?

WEAVE: Always makes me laugh, first time I look in the mirror every

morning.

BOB: Enough to make anyone laugh. I should imagine.

WEAVE: You should get a mirror, then. Then you don’t have to

imagine.

BOB: Come on. We’ve got to be going. To get our wheelie bins

off.

WEAVE: Yes. It’s wheelie bin a pleasure meeting you all.

BOB: (Pause) You’ve been looking forward to saying that, haven’t

you?

WEAVE: Just a bit. Yes. Hold it, hold it! (Takes out PHONE from

POCKET)

BOB: What are you doing?

WEAVE: I’m taking a Selfie. Of the boys and girls out there.

BOB: You great oaf! It’s only called a Selfie when you take it of

your, well… self.

WEAVE: I see… Well, what’s it called when you take a Selfie of

someone else, then?

BOB: Well… an Elsie, of course. I should have thought that was

obvious.

WEAVE: You should, you should. Alright then. Hold it boys and girls!

I’m taking an Elsie!

BOB: You’re hard work. You know that?

WEAVE: I know! But you can’t have everything!

Song 2 – (BOB & WEAVE)

BOB: I was going to say, where’s you bin? You know, like where’s

you bin?

WEAVE: Never mind. Come on. Let’s get off. See you later people.!

Thanks for the Elsie!

BOB: They’ll all be calling it that from now on, you know?

WEAVE: Of course. That’s the way it goes.

BOB: Talking of which…

WEAVE: This way.

(They exit DSR

DICK enters USR. Walks DC)

DICK: (Dreamily) The City of London. Finally. After all the dreams

I’ve had of this place and now I’m actually here! My own two feet standing in

the footsteps of all the other great men who have stood here before. Hmm…

looks like the first thing I’ll be needing is the local boot menders… (TOMMY

enters USL. Comes to DICK) Why, hello you! You’re a fine-looking cat!

What’s the matter? You look as though you could do with a good meal. Me too!

But there must be plenty of scraps for a hungry puss on these streets. Do you

have a name? Let me guess. You look like a Tiddles? No? Oh. What then? How

about Joey? Ginger? Jack? Jill? Only joking. You’re a tomcat, aren’t you?

(TOMMY nods) I can tell. How about that, then? How about I call you, Tommy?

Good? Yes? Alright then. How do you do, Tommy. I’m Dick. Dick Whittington

from Gloucestershire. Newly arrived in this marvelous City of London this very

morning. I’m here to seek my fortune. You’ll help me, won’t you?

(ALICE enters USL)

ALICE: Are you alright? Can I help you?

DICK: Oh, hello there. Forgive me, I was just talking to my friend

here. He’s Tommy, I’m Dick. Dick Whittington.

ALICE: I’m very pleased to make your acquaintance, Dick. Your

friend, I’ve met before. Quite the little rat-catcher he is too.

DICK: You have a problem with rats?

ALICE: Frankly, yes. It’s a big place, London. Don’t they have

rats where you come from?

DICK: Well, yes. Small, brown, furry creatures. They don’t cause

much trouble in our little town.

ALICE: These City rats almost eat us out of house and home. I wish

they’d stay in the country where they belong. Never mind, your furry friend

keeps them away. I often see him chasing them off.

DICK: Sounds like he makes good use of his talents. I wonder if I

will find a place for mine.

ALICE: Oh, if you’re looking for work, we can always use an extra

pair of hands. This is my father’s shop.

DICK: I see. What a grand looking entrance. What do you sell?

ALICE: This, that and the other. You name it. Father deals in

commodities. He buys, he sells.

DICK: Anything?

ALICE: Everything. Practically. You name it, we sell it.

DICK: You haven’t told me your name yet.

ALICE: I’m sorry. It’s Alice. Like, in wonderland?

DICK: Looking at you, I think I am too.

Song 3 – (DICK & ALICE)

(They both exit USL followed by TOMMY

CICELY enters DSR carrying BAGS)

CICELY: Oh, oh… oh, it’s no good. It’s me feet. They’re not the same

anymore. (To feet) You’ve had enough, haven’t you? Six decades, - I mean,

several decades, of carrying this lot about all day long… you’ve had enough

and I don’t blame you. Not at all, I don’t. I wouldn’t put up with it if it was me.

Well, it is me but you know what I mean. Tell you what, though, once I’ve got

all of this shopping unpacked I’ll take the weight off you both. Alright? One at a

time, though, one mustn’t be selfish. One must wait for the other. (To

AUDIENCE) Oh, hello. Who are you? Oh, you are, are you? Well. Whatever

next? What must you think of silly old me? Wittering on about me feet the

whole time? After all, if you wanted misery and moaning, you could have

stayed at home! Here, I’d better tell you who I am. Shall I tell you my name?

Yes? Alright. It’s Cicely. Miss Cicely Everdere. And I’m the Cook for

Alderman Fitzwarryn behind me here. Yes, I’ve got the bags to prove it. Look.

(Holds up BAGS) Yes, five pence each and they still only last half a mile. I’ll

have to take them back. I get all me own stuff, you know. I don’t like those

home deliveries, do you, ladies? No. You never know what you’re getting, do

you, sir? No. Last time, I asked for a pork chop and they brought me a Chop

Suey. That’s not right, is it? The week before last, I wanted some broad beans

for a stew and they brought me a broad brush for the flue. I’ll tell you a third

one ’n’ all – there’s always three, ain’t there? I’ve noticed it. Seems to be

traditional…

(IDLE JACK enters DSR)

JACK: Ah! There you are, Cic.

CICELY: Don’t call me, Cic! It sounds like Sis! I’ve told you before.

What time do you call this, Idle Jack? You should have been here at eight

o’clock.

JACK: Why? What happened? I could never keep time, me. Not

since I was in the army.

CICELY: How long were you in the army?

JACK: About five foot six.

CICELY: Alright, alright. We haven’t got time for all that. What are

you doing now?

JACK: Me? Oh. Nothing.

CICELY: Good, good. Hang on, wait a minute. Isn’t that what you did

yesterday?

JACK: Maybe. I don’t know. My memory isn’t very good. At least,

I don’t think it is.

CICELY: Don’t think. Yes, that’s the trouble with you. Now, listen to

me, Idle Jack. I want some new year’s resolutions from you. You’re the laziest

boy in the whole wide street. You need to work harder. Show some initiative.

After all, you don’t just want to be a shop boy for all of your life, do you?

JACK: Not really, no. I should like the weekends off.

CICELY: What about all those plans you had for your future? What

was it they said to you at school?

JACK: Grow up, stupid!

CICELY: Well, you’ve done that, alright. Look, never mind about that

now. All our yesterdays. You told me the other day that you wanted to go to

sea.

JACK: I did.

CICELY: Well, how did you come to be back here?

JACK: I saw. And then I came back.

CICELY: Well, be warned, Jack. I’m keeping a close eye on you for

the next few days.

JACK: A close eye? What’s the other one doing?

CICELY: Look out! Here comes his nibs…

(ALDERMAN enters USL)

ALDERMAN: Ah! Miss Cicely…

JACK: That’s easy for him to say.

ALDERMAN: Idle Jack. At long last! Where have you been all morning?

JACK: I’m sorry I’m late your Alderman ness. I was held up.

ALDERMAN: Tsk! More street crime. I don’t know. Never mind, never

mind. It’s an important day. I’ve got lots to do. So have you two too. I’m

expecting a shop full of customers today. See to your duties at the shop. I must

get off to the auction rooms. I’ll deal with you later. (He exits DSR)

JACK: Oh, dear. Not a very good start to the day, is it, Cic? Still,

never mind. What’s for lunch?

CICELY: How can you have lunch? You haven’t earned a crust yet.

Go get your broom. We’ll have the shop swept out for a start.

JACK: A tart? Ooh, yummy. What flavour?

CICELY: I said a start not a tart. Dear me, it’s like talking to an idiot.

(ALICE & DICK enter DSL)

ALICE: Cicely, Jack. I’d like you to meet Dick. He’s the new hand

here.

JACK: Oh good! We could do with a few new hands.

CICELY: You don’t even use the two you’ve got! Welcome aboard,

Dick. I’m Cicely, the Cook. Anything you want in that department, see me.

JACK: Yes, it’s a job to see anything else, sometimes.

CICELY: Ooh! You horrible, rude boy! How dare you! Are you

implying that I’m fat? I’m not. I’m just well-built, that’s all.

JACK: No, no, No offence! I just meant that you’ve grown more

important with age. Oh, no, hang on! That’s not going to go down well.

CICELY: Age! How dare you twice! I could pass for thirty-five in a

good light!

JACK: Yes! But it would have to be a heck of a good…

ALICE: Now then, you two. No more arguments. It’s opening time.

We have to be at our best. For the customers!

(CHORUS enter L&R)

Song 4 – (CICELY & CHORUS)

BLACKOUT