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0". " -* t , tg8t PUT :TIIAT SNOOT TO U8E3 THE SCENTXNG OF A}IERICA Happy Ho l idays

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FROMth6 EditorJE/l;Sorry For The Delay Dept. - So many readers

TaIk about germ warfare, what is that stink in the mal-lbox? Itrs anotherpi"." lettei-b"rf f"oo, eiorgio of Bev.Hil.ls aimed at moving sgrne_nid-highLnd perfune. If that doesnit neutralize your nostri lsr t l ly it downr on a;;; fiil;ifofif, piltow, stuffed with oupont rrstayfreshrr and guaranteed to

smell rfresh as newr. And if your schnozzola isntt out of commission by"owl-=tep i"t" an elevator with todayrs mating age fem - doused head-to-toewith an l l l-over rrbody-scented mistrr.Your eyes and ears are no longer the.only organs.abused by sensoryoverkill. A web of nalodoioui "on=pirat-ors ire taking the Amerig?t nostrilfor a massive nosedive with an rair-freshenerr mentality that belies asuspect and potentially dangerou? gbjective.Smeil-ana-sett cartels-have bullied every strata of the Anrericana;;6";thic. pre-adolescents are ravagea Uy fastr/junk food cartels and

scratch-and-sniff cabals. Teens and y5ung lautts i!" reduced to a rnating-

ffi;-"i ..iriarttg doees of sweet, synlhetic fruit-like odors. Mlddre-agedconned-sumers ar6 Etill hooked on a- rrspray-awayrr mentality popularized bythe Glade Gang and paper fabric softeners. Arnerica has become one big

requested our nrailout on converting Ehowersinto hone infotainnent units that ierre inthe process of reprinting. One new additionto our mailout - l{R. SHOWERPHONE! Acombination shower-head and microphone.Now, you can shower, Iisten to the radio, talk on the phone and alsobroadcast l ive over your home arnplif ication system. (iHey, wherers theAgree?rr) Also expected soon -rrwet and Filedit - a personii f i l ing systemthat can be used in the shower or tub.Our November ish had the food industry steaming, [rCabin Cuisine: Thernfluence of Airl ine Food on anerLcan Diningrrl. ' stewed. one food exec,rrcontrary to what you may think, we are not-m6nu-driven. rtA_nd speaking of Food - Look for the newest trend in cross-merchandising,character licensed TV dinners. First up - Miami Rice and Veal of Fortune.f1 rhe Galley Stages our first buyerls guide - Ithen to Buy consumerElectronics -. a combo tape, video, and hard copy manual to aia in tirningconsumer electronic purchases. Buy it through-Ltre rnail or charge it viiyour PC modem (Prices double for L200 baud).TilI next ish - Ed.

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all aboutsurgery FCHILDREN can play doctor to helpoveroome their fear of surgery, thanks toa California firm, Pedietric ProJects,which has developed a range of stufiedanimals with eye patches, casts andsplints and prosthetic limbs, plns dollswith zippers, rcvealing internal organstlat can be removed, examined and re-plaoed. The non-profit organization alsocarries specially designed books andgames. Fbr a free catalog, write Pediat-ric Projects Inc., P. O. Bor 1880, SantaMonica, Calif. 90{06.

Eye-patch toddt bcar hclpr calmleerful young paticntt.

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- I|IIERE I g TIIE BEEF IIIs this cutlery or studioprops for the next teenslash and splatter f i ln?Hey, and they can be usedbefore or after the cow isdead! Theyrre as pleasingin the hand as they are tothe eye - ouch, watch whereyou stick that thing.Coming soon - Personalizedbranding irons for thatspecial look to your braisedbeef .

. Treat Yourself To ThisHandsome Steer Head Steak Board

(Scenting, Continued from page I)

Why has this nasal descent continued unchecked? Because it is a necessarystip for a world on the verge of rrThe Big Stinktt . We can I t snell the oilspiff over that manly splash of Musk. We canrt smell the burning se$rageover our perfumed credit card statement.We are being led to the Age of Smellavision through a two par! process.First, our iense of smell has been destroyed by a general enviromentaloverkill. And whatever natural ability rnight remain has been deadened intoan ernpty nasal shell by the imbibing oi drugs, trash, and scratch-and-sniffrnerchandise.Second, we have been instructed to accept new smells for o1d sme1ls.Mating is no longer triggered by natural sebaceous gland ernissions, but bycherni6al esters contrivea in labs from alcohol-to-acid configurations. Ourconcept of rrfreshnesstr and rroutdoorsrr is Eome va9u9 woodsy odor, sprayed _from Lans in order to guarantee the complete rrsealingrr of our enviromentalplaypen.fne-lensory purpose of our noses is long goner so why not just cut rern offand slip in a replaceable nylon filter. What other choice do we have? Weare the first evolution of humans to both pay through and be led by thenose. At least if we could switch off the front of our facer w€ couldregister our vote against the chem congloms and their neo-nasality. If youcanr t smel l , You canr t te I I !Ed. Note: f ir is article is excerpted from a larger work-in-progress' LookWhat Theyfve Done to My Face: fhe gensory Deprivation Conspiracy, whichwill be lvailable following the March re-print of New Privaay II.

This steer head steak board and barbecue tools combine the her i tage ot theof d west with a bold, contemporary tlair. Carved of solid walnut, the large.24"x L4%" board is hand rubbed wi th mineral o i l to a r ich oat ina. The steer headhandles and accessory pieces are made from a metal alloy, delicately formed