Das Tor • Year 2001

DASTOR

April I. 2001 The American Graduate Sclitxil of Intergalactic Management \'ot.LW.\H.9

What's NewsParking #1 problem on campus:

In ;i new survey. Das Tor's Wallup poll ranks Parking as the = i problem ()ri the bright side. ASLC revenues arc way up. comments(mirnidsinan____________________

Herberger criticized for length of time at the helm.

V I he hei-innmg ot his tenure, back in I'.'S 1 *. President llerherper insisted the proper lennih of time in the Office <>f the President u mild he eight years He i> under tire hiv.iuse he h.^ now been here tor twelve years President l.mentos Bill Vnnv 'Ahn is credited with initial!} bringing the School into prominence, and u hi >sf tenure IUMCU i 8 ycais. explains that tney nave a similar problem at the World Bank: "Presidents love it so much, they don't want to leave. It happened to Bob McNamara. Lewis Preston, and now Paul 1 ,abhe " Herhercer claims that "he hasn't finished what he set out to do."Insiders claim that "he's fallen in love with the School, and the students, and doesn't want to leave." _________

Thunderbird Pub surpasses TETC in profits

Long one of Thunderbird's major profit centers. Thunderhird Pub officially Mjqi.i^c.i the 'nnmJerhitd i \tMilr.:1 'IfainitiL1 (Vntt-r :n k-niiN i 1 ! piuiii.v Hie i'uD .ontnDulcU 14'- o' pro'i'-- lor tb_jl ycai beams Thunderbird Business Affaris Manager Per Huge-Jensen. who replaced Lee Siickland last year. Per was Student Pub Manager from 1992 to 1994. and is obviously proud of the good work the Pub is doing. "My franchise idea worked very well; we have Thunderbird Pubs all over the globe. Now you can literally can dnnk your way around the world at the Thunderbird Pub "_______________________

T'birds Topple Cuba

Tbird Alums Steve Granville and Jose Morales engineered a golpe de estado in Cuba. "We owe everything to Ackroyd; he taught us everything we know." affirms Senor (Rocky) Morales "This place |Cuba| is a goldmine," he assens Granville in his characteristically jocular fashion: "We are going to make a lot of money", he says as he sips on a mojito. and puffs on a Habana "Castro's days were numbered. It was just a matter of being there. Dean Bates is really going to appreciate the new Granville .Aims back in Glendak."

tEor Scandal

Visiting Professor of Intergalactic Journalism Les Proctor has become embroiled in a new controversy. He advised Berto Morabito. current editor to claim circulation of 31,000. and increase the prices for Advertising. This was to solve Das Tor's chronic budget deficit. "Four percent of the student activity fee is not enough money to run a paper. We have expanded our readership. Sending the paper to all the alumni each week was one of the best ideas I ever had" The problem occured when he was found scalping tickets at the Gratetful Dead Concert at Compton Terrace. Morabito claims he gave Proctor the tickets, acquired through trade for promoting the concert, and that Proctor unknowingly sold the tickets to an undercover 1RS agent. Asked for comment. Proctor points to the compensation systems set up at Thunderbird

Clutter offers new Intergalactic

Bud Clutter, an entrepreneur of many talents, will offer a new Winterim Seminar in 2002. Upon completion of the seminar students will receive a 'genuine Thunderbird certificate' in Intergalactic Planet Mainte­ nance. Topics range from "How to manage different life-forms" to "How to avoid shooting yourself in the foot with your phaser."

Glendale Encroache\. .SVc/nn /KM iht'ir hur.ih fuHwilli iht recant numhrrufi un an n«>i/>w

Tired of the same old baloney? Vote Mahoney.

Seven years ago Senator Richard Mahoney used this slogan in his race for the Senate, and it worked. Criticized for bending county ordinances against putting signs up early and skirting public polilcy issues. Mahoney strategy wassucessful.he foiled hisdetractorsagain(Drats!) and came to Washington where he has served on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. "My slogan worked for the Senate, it'll work for the White House. People are tired of baloney in politics." In characteristic fashion, he has his signs up three years early.

FOB Mahoney. Third-termer Clinton #h t-.s presidential endorsement.

T'bird Satirist Punched

In an ironic twist. Gorki O'Rea was punched by an angry alumovera satire column bordering tooclose to the truth. At the New York First Tuesday in March, he was approached by an alum wearing a mask, and slugged "upside the head" over something he wrote seven years ago. "IknewhewasaTbiid because he was wearing the Tbird ring, you know, the one you see in smoky bars in Bombay." The culprit was not appre­ hended, but O'Rea insists he is OK. "That's a small price to pay. The truth hurts sometimes; I have no regrets."

The Truth hurts

Beauty School Moves into Thunderbird Industrial Park

A new innovative program is planned for the fall: the Joint MIM-MRS/MIBM degree. Get married to a Tbird and all the MIM requirements are waived with your new degree, the Master of International Beauty Management,

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The Career Services Center has identified the following resume as"exemplary" for both form and content They have asked that students

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ecoii

OBJECTIVE A job with nuximum pay and minimum responsibility and supervision,

EDUCATION MASTER OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION

I'nnersity of Weigh-stedtheim

BACHELOR OF ARTS, SOCIOLOGYI'nixersity of Gnoe Whare

EXPERIENCE FORD CORP. PRODUCT MANAGER, EDSEL MICHAEL Dl KAKIS CAMPAIGN MANAGER CONCEPT GENERATOR, NEW COKE 0-RING DESIGNER FOR CHALLENGER JACK IN THE BOX, GRILL COOK

INTERNATIONAL EXPERIENCE

SONY CORP. BETAMAX STRATEGIST. TOKYO, JAPAN UNION CARBIDE GENERAL MANAGER . BHOPAL, INDIA BEVERAGE SUPERVISOR,GEORGETOWN,GUYANA ARCHITECT. TOWER OF PiSA. ITALY STRATEGIST, M AGINOT LINE, FRANCE

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COMPUTER SKILLS Abaaix pong. ATM

ACTIVITIES

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PERSONAL

Home brewing, ballistics. Halogen horticulture, home videos

Winner ofCampus (.hug-off, 87-9i, <k "Best Branch Davidian Award"

Work poorly in groups, will go over boss' head in a dispute

VAN # 59: Sun City. AZ 85306

Aprfl 1,2001

By Shea McCormick

URANUS IS LOVELY THIS TIME OF

....and other random blitherings from Mr. Universe himself. Shea McCormick

THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON - Greetings from Casa McCormick II, situated delicately atop a bluff overlooking the vast nothingness which is lunar suburbia. While visitors often raise comparisons to certain Earth communities ("It bloody well does look like Gfendale out here." crowed Corki O' Rea a few weeks ago after a round of golf), I'm simply enchanted with the region" s pure charm. Underground desert monsters, slightly nippy temperatures, and a completely lack of Disney-run theme paries have combined to make the Moon an area in which I feel most comfortable.

Yes, selling the stately palatial mansion in Scortsdale was a gut-wrenching decision. But when Tonya Harding offered me that staggering lump of cash (her personal appearance contract with the Swap Man seems to be most lucrative). I just couldn't resist. Always the an enthusiast atop her other myriad charms. Tonya has nou begun to convert my former library and study into a bis museum for her Precious Moments figurine collection. I'm sure it will be a lovely exhibition in the classiest sense of the word.

While I may live in the boondocks, my life certainly hasn't come to a screeching halt. The commute is a nightmare, but I'm committed to traversing the galaxy in the name of spreading good cheer and home improvement tips. And of course, I do pen a column every once in a blue moon (oh. the intergalactic humor - be still, my heart), though, I much prefer to supply my eight-time Pulitzer Prize winning interactive video/audio/virtual reality sermons without even touching my IBM, old relic that it is.

My devoted and utterly babe-like wife. Heidi FogeKong. also rockets across time and space each day as a "60 Minute" reporter. Oh, how for she's come since she was just a mere news- reading trollop on one of the local Phoenix fluffcasts. She does love her job at CBS, though she hasexpressed some irritance with Merely Safer' s constant "Would you like to see my body rrakef That lecher!

I'm sure you could really care about this stimulating update from your most favorite columnist and wisest sage what you actually demand is news and gossop about my wildly famous family. Yes, Mumsy's still hard at work, churning out episode after episode ofhercrowd-pleasingmystery program. Perhaps you've noticed that the overall premise has changed slightly in recent years. Instead of unraveling grisly murders each week (the entire populations of Maine and New York had been killed already at some point during the past 20 years of taping, Angela is seeking to uncover moles in the CIA. Based loosely on the Aldrich Ames case from the mid-90' s, her revised program is entitled "Nerd Spy, She Sought." I'm so proud of her.

Papa Gilpin's lighthearted little novel about multinational doom and economic gloom continues to sell like hotcakes. He's also begun to branch out in an effort to reach other audiences. His children's book series is quite the hit even 1 cannot read "Mr. Funnybunny Loses His Shirt in the Triple-Debt Crisis" without shedding a tear. Sniff.

Brother Fabio has crawled back into the proverbial hole of obscurity, much to the delight of most Eorthlings. Auni Barbara Walters continues to interview any creature who possesses both a pulse and a place in People's year-end humanoid/zombie list, and Uncle Julio Iglesias continues to pack the audiences to his Las Vegas concerts. While his oxygen tent does tend to muffle some of his best crooning themes, audiences still seem to think he's the greatest thing since... well, the greatest thing since yours truly. And of course, I mustn't forcet my children: Oscar-winner (and bad hat collector) Anna Paquin and cheerful cherub Elijah Wood. Aren't they just wonderful?

At this point in my life, I can now report that I have reached total fulfillment. Ever since the dedication of Thunderbird's Shea McCormick Memorial Career Hut Drive-Thru Window last April, I have known that I've done my part, however small, to contribute to the quality of life at AGS1M. No longer will any student be forced to enter the Hut by foot to hunt for a meaningful career at TGI Friday's kitchen. And yes, by golly, you certainly may get fries withthat!

Here's wishing you the best in the new century. HappyTrails!

Can I pick you up?

by David Eichorn

In my quest as a reporter at Thun- derbird, the Mecca of International Business. I have failed to as yet find a theme which transcends all bor­ ders. Certainly one does not think of the topics I have written about: eihics. computers or Thunderbird registration (arguable), as all earth encompassing. What is the inter­ national language"1 No. it is not English, which I have heard spo­ ken in the most different styles in 2 months and half a mile than in my entire lifetime. It is the interna­ tional language of pick-up lines, uh, I mean love.

Here, are some of the comments from you, the students on a casual Thursday evening at some place called The Pub (no names men­ tioned forthesakeofthe timid: like it r£2!!v svould liffect vcur ima^c on this campus or your career after­ wards!)

"I can teach you pan of the english alphabet and numbers, for instance my license plate says: You'll be 6. you'll be nine?"

"Youdon't needapick up line.you know the second you make eye contact if it is there or if it isn't "

"I didn't move to Gtendale to im­ prove my sex life,......"

"I going to name my two kids Glen and Dak, can you help?"

"Hey. that is a big beer you're holding there, you want to see something else big (editor's note zero success with this one}"

"No pick up line necessary in Latin America. It is more usual toget introduced by your friends. You need to be polite (from the background "that's a given anywhere")

"He must be Scandinavian"

"It's more charming to hear it in a foreign accent"

"I'm Tina, nice to meet you. I know you're glad to meet me"

"Did I see you in the Munich train station (no. no from the back­ ground, but it worked)"

"You're feet must be really tired""Why"

"Because you have been runningaround my mind all night!"

"Would you like to go to the Topkapi Palace (or maybe the top of the palace) with me1"

"Do you feel like getting wildtonight?"

"It all depends on the hairstyle, aftershave and the clothes you wear"

"In this campus, you need body­

guards for your girlfriend (ex­ plaining the three guys plus him­ self who were around his girl­ friend - how do you apply?)"

"Stola. Stola. Viji. Vijj Na!" (Need a translation)

"Pick up lines like phone?"

"In Holland, you must go out on Sundays. There arc bars, not actually the best bars, but when you go in. you feel the atmo­ sphere If you want to sell your­ self, you have to adapt to the situation." (Like it really would be difficult there!

"You're different from everyone I've known"

"I don't need a pick up line"

"He must have charm and sincer­ ity"

"You live in my heart and don't pay rent"

"That is a nice tool you have there, wouldyoucareifl lend>ou a hand11"

Well.thiswas only asample from our men and women. Maybe, there are more important things on our minds!

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