New Years Eve has come and gone, but careers don’t wait! Clementine the Career Sim gets up at six, puts on some

horrid clothes and is off. Hayden has a lie-in before going to work.

Looking like this.

Wow.

We need to get him up the career ladder fast.

Rookie. Fine, that’ll do.

Just… no more mascot costume please.

Oh, good, a silver badge. Neat.

I JUST WANTED SOME FREE TOMATOES!!!

Clementine, NO! Bad Clementine! Bad!

This is how Romance Sims get a bad rap, throwing themselves at passers-by. Thank Jebus Hayden didn’t see. This

legacy would be over before the second generation.

Okay, so that’s got me spooked. Let’s get started on the babies quick.

I was hoping to get Clementine to lifetime platinum first, but I can’t risk her mucking up my carefully laid plans with her

slutty ways.

And she looked like such a classy lady too…

Seriously, why would anyone cheat on a man who can do that?

*filthy implication goes here*

Then again…

That’s the problem with these sporty types. All muscle, no manners. I can relate.

Neat. Finally we have some money coming in!

I’m sick of having them pee in a bucket in the yard.

Christ, but these hobby Sims are creepy. Who does that? Who barges into someone’s house to invite them to their

creepy-ass club?

GAH! Get out of my house!

Well, there’s some good news at last.

Poor Clementine.

No, wait, poor me! I’m going to be watching a lot of this, aren’t I?

Well, preggers or not, art don’t wait! I want a portrait for the legacy paintings anyway.

That looks pretty good, actually.

Nice.

Oh good, a chance card. I love these.

Goodie…

I IZ WINRAR!

Cool indeed.

Don’t you hate it when that happens? You’re talking to your neighbor when all of a sudden BAM! Pregnant.

That dude must be shitting himself right about now.

You know, that probably isn’t safe for the pregnant lady folk.

Another one? Alright then.

Shoe company…

Hm…

Yeah, that doesn’t sound dodgy at

all.

Oh, jesus!

I think Hayden’s just been recruited by Al-Qaeda.

That’s just great.

They gave him a promotion for that!?!?

Who is he playing for, Clan United?

Oh, that’s nice. Yeah, you soak yourself pruny, Hayden. The pregnant lady’s fine with a sponge bath.

I have a hunch most soccer wives are treated a little better than this.

Oh, having a baby there? Sorry hun, your baby daddy’s having a nice soak, the portrait will have to do.

What’s that? A doctor? Don’t be a pussy, you’ll be fine. Portrait Hayden isn’t being a pussy, is he?

What the ho?

It’s twins. TWINS! Just perfect. It’s not like I have too little space in the house as it is.

Aw, but that’s just cute.

So, the yellow one’s a boy and the green one’s a girl. I’ve named them Alexander and Trixibelle. Why? Because I am a

cruel, vengeful god, that’s why.

And that’s generation 2.

I’ve gotten further than I thought I would!

Damn that nanny. What am I supposed to do, have them quit their job just so they can prevent their children from dying

from neglect? Pff. Not likely.

You know what, if the social worker were to show up now, I’d cheer her on.

Not that these clowns are doing any better.

Sims make terrible parents.

Recognize the Legacy Shack at all? I think it’s alright to call it a Legacy House now. Seeing as how there’s a second

generation and all.

Oh, and it’s a proper house now.

Birthday! Whee!

Now if everyone can just get over how hot everyone else is, we can get the kids all grown up!

That’s right, throw that baby! Throw it straight into adulthood!

And people give me shit for calling this blog Functionally Retarded…

Aw, and there’s toddler Trixibelle. Daddy’s skin and mommy’s hair. Isn’t that just…

No, that’s horrible. That’ll be a makeover for you, little one.

And there’s little Alexander. That’s pretty cute.

And there’s the fruit of their pixilated loins. Not so bad. They’ve got those ugly mouth lines something fierce though.

Is it… is it just me or does Trixibelle look sort of… evil?

Alexander won’t do anything on his own but play with music toys. I think he’s inherited his mom’s artistic tendencies.

Thank god those artistic careers actually make money in this game. This legacy would be boned if they were realistic.

Boomer is top dog!

And believe me, I haven’t shown you half the cruel and unusual chance cards the poor thing’s gotten.

And that’s probably just what he needs after a long day of hunting frogs and getting his tail cut off.

Hayden’s a Family Sim. He’s having a blast with these kids. But Clementine, well…

Poor dear. She’s not cut out for the family life.

Go on honey, you’ve deserved a night out clubbing.

Oh yeah, this place is pumping!

Ride that disco stick, Clemmy! Ride it like it ain’t no thang!

And look who showed up! Watch it, Clementine. He’s tricked you before.

NO!

God dammit Clementine, you WHORE!

Wait a minute…

What sort of club is this?

Well, if that’s the sort of moves she’s trying to impress him with, there’s nothing to worry about.

Then again, this is Alfie we’re talking about, so…

Yeah… Never mind.

And this electric hamster ball thing isn’t working out either.

This club sucks.

What! No! What mod is this?

Clementine NO! For god’s sake, you’ve got babies at home!

F**%&$#?@!!!

NO!!!

There, back to our regularly scheduled PG-13 programming.

Ah, who am I kidding. I’m going to have to put up all sorts of warnings. Like, DANGER! PIXEL BEWBS! And HERE

THERE BE ICKY HOMERSEXUALS!!!

Thanks a lot, Clementine.

Poor sod. If only he knew what his fiancée got up to behind his back.

Yeah, she looks all innocent and cutesy, but the woman is a damn dirty whore!

She may have gotten away with it, but nothing will soothe her aching conscience now!

…

Except maybe that.

Oh, by the way, this blog is rated R for pixel nudity and sexual hullabaloo and such. I probably should have mentioned that

earlier. Sorry.

If this has in any way upset or angered you, please send any and all hate mail to thomasisacsson@tsr.com

Aw, look, it’s a cute baby!

Look at the cute baby! Stop writing swear words in the comment box and look at the cute baby!

Huh.

Alright.

You know what, in light of recent events, it’s hard not to read too much into that.

Well, we’ve finally got some harvest coming in. I’ll bet those juices will come in handy at some point.

Time for the Garden Geeks to come and have a look, I think.

Success!

A wishing well? That’s cool, I think. These things have a way of backfiring though.

Can you tell I haven’t actually been playing this game a lot?

It’s just as well though. Hayden needs some friends for a promotion, so let’s give the well a whirl!

Okay… Nothing weird there…

OH JESUS!

What the hell are those things?

That’s alright, Clementine. Don’t mind the steampunk robot on the couch, it’s just your fiancée’s new best friend.

What’s that, new BFF? You’re taking the baby? Good luck trying to sell her!

Seriously, let’s grow these kids up fast before anyone else tries to take them.

This is actually pretty exiting! Let’s see how Trixi turns out.

Again with the horrible hair? Ugh. Let’s get you a make-over fast.

And here goes Alexander!

Not too shabby. Looks like I picked some decent seed.

MAN!

I mean a decent man. Obviously. Heh.

I’m happy with that. Cute kids. I think I’ve got Trixibelle pegged as heir. She looks a lot less evil as a kid in any case.

Whoops.

Spoke too soon.

At least I can ship the kids off to school now. I should probably try and get them into private school.

Maybe later.

First day of school, baby! It’s mommy and daddy time, and you know what that means! Oh yeah!

Bow-chicka-bow-

… bow?

Okay then.

Whatever floats your boat, I guess.

Oh, sweet, I’ve got this one in the bag. The kid is a

musical genius, he’s got more creativity skill points

than you can wave a flautist at.

I think… trumpet.

Oh my.

That’s our Alexander, the one with the sweet, sweet lips.

Here’s to hoping he never goes to prison.

…

I apologize, that was filthy. Let’s get the kid a treat!

Kids love sushi, right?

What, another one? Alright then, I’m feeling lucky.

Give me your best shot, game!

WHAT!!!

You have got to be…

I don’t even have…

God F**%&$#?@!!! DAMMIT!

Rub it in why don’t you!

Seriously, fuck this noise. No more legacy for you.

NEXT TIME ON FUNCTIONALLY RETARDED!

- Alfie is pleased about a statue

- Will there be sexy teens for your viewing pleasure?

- Will I make a Monty Python joke?

- And what has Gappy done now?

STAY TUNED!