dance of duality

7/30/2019 Dance of Duality

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24 LIFE POSITIVE APRIL 2012

Relationship overview

As long as we are shrouded in the illusion of separation, relationships can be a source

of pain and conflict. Therefore they also constitute a path that can return us to ourwholeness and perfection, says Suma Varughese

The dance ofduality

Photo: Thinkstock

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we come together.There is great beauty in this dance of duality, but

lets face it, it is essentially unsatisfactory. We arepulled between I and the Other, sometimes panderingto their ego, getting pulled into their magnetic force,often forsaking our own needs, dignity or self-respect. Or else, we pander to our ego by pulling theOther into our magnetic sphere, forcing them to do

what we want them to do, and rendering them intoabject slaves. All relationships have power strugglesthat are often fought silently but to the death. Theslippery art of balancing this pull between I and theOther is one of the key lessons that relationshipsteach us.

The relationship school begins at birth when weare born into a family. The family is the crucible ofsocialisation, and depending on the kind of family

we are born into and the kind of nurturing wereceive, we develop our patterns of relating toothers. If we have been lucky enough to have been

invested with good self-esteem, our relationshipswith others are more likely to be harmonious andless needy. However, no matter how ideal a family we

may belong to, or how much self-esteem we have, as long as we labourunder the illusion of duality,relationships will still be a source of

pain and conflict. Yes, they are also asource of happiness, joy, securityand love. But if we want to get to astate of absolute happiness, then wemust cross the hurdle of the Other.

It is in man-woman relationships

that the conflicts inherent in dualitybecome most pronounced. Thecouple duels between physical,

emotional and psychological needs for the other, theneed to control the other and at the same time, forgea life together. It is the field of the most intensedrama, the greatest of suffering and the most ecstaticmoments of oneness. When couples get it right, theyalmost if not quite, tear the veil apart, or at any rate,rent it in places. When they do not, and mostly todaythey do not, the conflict can be savage.

Perhaps the relationship between mother andchild is the one that comes closest to oneness, espe-

cially in the initial years when the child knows noseparation and the mother willingly focuses on the

welfare of her young. Even in later years, parents areusually willing to put the interest of their childrenahead of theirs, but unfortunately often stoop to con-trolling and manipulating them too.

Whether at work, at home, in public or in private,we remain all too often at odds with other people.

So where does it all stop? The sages quite rightlysay that because the Other is ultimately an illusion,the only way to come out of it is to go within; intoour own inner world of thoughts, feelings, reactions,

As my suburban train startedfrom the station, a young girldashed in and barreled into asubstantial lady standing nearthe door. The lady let out a

stream of invectives, the young girlresponded with spirit and before long oneof the staples of Mumbai commuter life,train fights, was underway.

For all of us there are just two entities: Iand the Other. This inconvenient Other isthe source of all our pain, anger, misery,jealousy, revenge and yes, fleeting momentsof joy and ecstacy. It appears that the shad-ow of the Other, looming large over us,obscures our access to peace, happiness,success, love, self-esteem, self-actualisationand so on.

What do we do with the Other? Is itpossible to live in a state of zero conflict

with them? Is it possible to be free and yetavailable to them? Can we fully be there forthe Other without impoverishing ourselves?

At the same time, how do we come out oftheir hold and stand firm and strong in ourown ground? This is the cipher of humanexistence. The reason why we take birthagain and again. To learn the supremelesson of what to do with the Other. It isnot for nothing that Jean Paul Sartre, the

well-known French philosopher succinctlysaid, Hell is other people.

Source, the sages tell us, divided into this

multifarious universe in order to experi-ence Itself as many. And so we come intothis Cosmic Lila, little knowing that we area fragment of Source, and that all weencounter along the way are also fragmentsof Source.

Instead veiled in the illusion of separa-tion we have worn for lifetimes after life-times, we love, we hate, we laugh, we cry,

we attach, detach, fight, and make up, wekill, give birth, we nurture, we destroy, wegive, we take, we teach, we learn, we part,

For all of us there are just two entities: I and the

Other. This inconvenient Other is the source of all

our pain, anger, misery, jealousy, revenge and yes,

fleeting moments of joy and ecstacy.



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your comments and suggestions on this article. Mail us at [email protected]

fantasies, traumas and so on. It is here thatthe journey of dissolution begins.

As we go deep within, we become betteracquainted with ourselves. We discover thedefenses behind which we hide our senseof inadequacy. We discover the many masks

we don when in company with others andperhaps even with our own. We also seeour tender emotions, often hid for fear of

being hurt the part of us that longs toconnect, the part that is hungry for love.

We discover the shadow side we often donot own our need to control andmanipulate, or the parts that are greedy orlazy or covetous. On and on goes thediscovery. This is perhaps the hardest partof the spiritual enterprise to see ourselvesfully and objectively. But if we do ourspiritual practice faithfully, and that shoulddefinitely involve some aspect of loving

and accepting ourselves, we will find anincreasing capacity to accept all that wesee.

The more we can accept, the more spacewe have for ourselves and that is when wemake the astonishing discovery. The Othernever really affected us. It was our reac-tions, feelings and thoughts that they

brought up in us that we could not accept.If I can accept the anger the Other bringsup in me, do I have a problem with theOther? If I can accept the lust the Otherarouses in me, will I want to possess the

Other? If I can accept the resistance I feelwhen the Other wants to manipulate me,will I allow myself to be manipulated? If Iaccept the loneliness I feel, will I long forthe Other? If I accept my inadequacies, willI want to prop up my ego by putting downthe Other?

The more we learn to love and acceptourselves, the more the dents and scratch-es, the scabs and wounds, the hurts andtraumas of separation begin to heal. Wetake back the power that we had falselyinvested in the Other. Compassionately, we

refuse to support them in their need forcontrol, manipulation, possession or other-

wise, for they too are inherently whole. Ouremotional, psychological and physicalneeds fall away. Strength, power, and self-reliance rise. We feel protean, capable ofcoping with any challenge that life throwsat us. We stand before life, whole and per-fect, open to all that comes our way.

As we allow this deep shining Divine selfto unfurl, two things may happen. Those

who are too deep in duality to awaken will

shun us for we will appear like a threat since we are

not to be controlled. However, those who are readyto discover their own selves will take their cues fromus. They will seek out our company and when wegive ourselves permission to be who we are, we givethem the permission too.

That is when the cosmic lila gains its true poten-tial. As one individuated spark of Divinity, we meetand engage with other individuated sparks ofDivinity, enjoying the diversity without in any way

wanting to control it. Free of needs, we freely giveand freely take. Relationships become full and joy-ous, vibrant with love and care. As we become moreessential we focus more and more on the welfare of

the other and through it discover an endless sourceof happiness. Conflict drops because what the Other

wants we want also.And so we learn to live in total freedom and yet in

total engagement with the Other.

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dance of duality

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