d the daily bull is probably not suitable for those under...
TRANSCRIPT
The Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under age 18 and should not be taken seriously... Monday, 15 April 2013
...like selfies!
Paleontologists associated with Michigan Technological University have made a breakthrough discovery while clearing the snow off of campus. “It was amazing,” one paleontologist stated, “never before have we seen a com-pletely intact bicycle after a Houghton winter. It seems as if every one we uncover is bent and mangled by the large “beasts” that roam the campus to deal with all of the snow.”
The University is also embracing this discovery as one of the most profound archeological discoveries in the past few decades. “It is with great pride that Michigan Tech announces the existence of a working bicycle after a long and snowy winter here in Houghton. It took countless hours of hard work and perseverance, but they were able to extract the specimen perfectly,” said a Michigan Tech representative when reached for comment.
Residents from across Michigan’s Upper Peninsula and Northern Wisconsin are flocking to MTU’s campus in order to even catch a glimpse of this rare find. “To us Yoopers, this is bigger than if the pope came up here! Ever since I was a child, I was told folklore of equipment surviving a winter’s worth of plowing, but I never thought I would see it with my own eyes during this lifetime!”
Michigan Tech Paleontologists will next attempt to clear the snow from the Broomball rinks, as they’ve received tips that there may be broomballs stuck beneath the snow.
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Paleontologists Dig Up Remains of Lost Bicyclesby Alex Dinsmoor~ Daily Bull
For those of you unfamiliar with Slender Man, let me enlight-en you, for the longer you stay ignorant to this malevolent force of nature, the more your life is in danger. Slender Man is tall, and I mean really tall; in some photographs he is as tall as 7 feet 6 inches where in others he is closer to human sized. He’s as skinny as a fashion model, with extraordinarily long arms and tentacles that can sprout from his back at will.
While his appearance changes with the times, he always has a blank face devoid of eyes, nose, mouth, ears and hair. While the rest of his face is bone white. In the early to mid 1500s, he appeared as a skeletal figure without clothes. In this current era, he has opted for a sharp black suit with a white shirt and red tie.
His powers are those of teleportation and the ability to form a mental link with his victims, which allow him to track and stalk them at his leisure. He is more of a hunter, delighting in the thrill of the chase and the joy of the kill (although nobody who has been stalked by Slender Man has ever had their body recovered.) There is no pattern to those he takes, although it is worth noting that he seems to favor children more than adults.
The only symbol that has been attributed to Slender Man is a terrifying circle with an “X” through it with impossible ge-ometries. It is unknown if this symbol is used to ward against him, banish him, summon him, or if it is just another way that he communicates with his victims, letting them know that they are next. The only thing that is clear about the symbol is that it does not bode well for those who come in contact with it.
Slender Manby Chase ‘Cupcake’ Peterson~ Daily Bull
We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we
shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.--Winston Churchill
Pic O’The Day: Selfie!
see Tallahasseeon back
ULLDAILY B
We live in a society where pizza is considered a vegetable. Just let that sink in.
It has been said that the more you learn about Slender Man the more he can bring his form into this world and the closer he becomes to you. One night, when you’re alone, he creeps up and takes you away wrapped in tentacles to unknown planes of existence. In researching this article, I have become too close to the truth and the only thing that is keeping me in this world is the fact that he wants me to spread his word so that he may become closer to all of you.
Forgive me. Beware the dark.
/ u s e r / t h e d a i l y b u l l 8 0 0 8
GREAT SON OF LIFE GRAND VIZIER
SECRETARIATAlex Dinsmoor
Typewriter Monkeys: Liz ‘Riz’ Fujita, Olivia Zajac, Nathan ‘Invincible’ Miller, Jon ‘Big O’ Mahan, Cameron Long, Jeanine Chmielewski, Jeremy ‘Mr. Sunshine’ Loucks, Alec Hamer, Sam Schall, Veronica Tabor, Chase Peterson, Ken Arndt, Corey Tindall, Theresa Tran, Abigail Skibowski, Evan Krettek, Ian Peoples, Connor Knudson, and GLaDOS.
Rico Bastian
©2013 by the Daily Bull, a non-profit organization. All rights reserved. Articles may be freely distributed electronically or on late night talk shows provided credit is given, and that this notice is included. The Daily Bull reserves the right to refuse any advertisements or articles without reason. All letters sent to the editor (on paper or to [email protected]) will be treated as material to be published unless expressly stated otherwise by the sender. Original works printed in the Daily Bull remain the property of the creator, however the Daily Bull reserves the right to reprint any submissions in future issues unless specifically asked not to do so by the creator. All opinions presented are purely those of the writer and do not reflect the opinions of the University or the Daily Bull. If you keep reading this small text, the cake will appear.
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Komik Korner
Lost: Fucks to Giveby Sam Schall~ Daily Bull
As the semester is slowly winding down, professors are turning up the heat, putting everyone on high and throwing everyone from the pan into the fire. First years are getting their toes wet with the piles of work and tests that are common for Michigan Tech students. Upperclassmen are digging through the mountains of work and marking another one on their belts. But the lucky ones are graduating seniors. The ones that get to sit back, coast through and enjoy....
Oh... wait... what’s that I hear? The scrambling of seniors realizing that they ac-tually have to pass their classes to be able to walk in May? Some realizing that all that “optional” homework wasn’t as optional as their professor led them to believe? Their jobs, even though contracts are signs and arrangements are being made, may hang in the balance if they “accidentally” fail that science elective or HASS class? Get that last paper in and pick up those pencils and care starting now!
But wait? What’s this outcry I’m hearing? Oh my.... it seems about half the graduating seniors have no fucks to give about class. But now, realizing they have to give a fuck, they have to find a fuck to giving. Having sworn up and down they didn’t give a flying fuck about the silly fucking filler classes around Winter Carnival Week, back in February, many graduating seniors are looking for their fucks to give now in the final weeks of classes.
So, have you seen the fucks for the seniors to give? If you have a fuck for a senior, give the fuck hotline a call at 1(800)432-2387, that’s 1(800)I-FCKDUP. We’re also taking calls at 1(800)462-6633, that’s 1(800)I-AM-BONED. Opera-tors are standing by, waiting on your calls about fucks for these poor seniors who need to give a fuck for their finals so they can walk this May.
DailyBull.students.mtu.edu/