CT 410 Advanced Interpersonal Communication

Struggling in Relationships

gardening metaphor for relationship

Miller: assertive message

• concrete behavior

• interpretation

• feelings

• consequences

Do interests converge or diverge?

Negotiations (Steve’s version)

• Competitive bargaining

• Collaborative bargaining

• Interpersonal bargaining

Goals

• to win

• mutual benefit

• greater good, transformation

Bargaining Approach

• competitive

• outcomes interdependent

• cooperative, ecologically interdependent

What Counts as Evidence?

• what we want/need

• objective criteria

• emotions, reason, empirical evidence, community values

Communication Style

• formal, no trust, hostility

• collegial, substantial trust

• dialogic, significant trust & vulnerability, caring

Assumptions about Communication

• communication as container of meaning

• communication as linkage

• communication as performance, voice, narrative

Assumptions about Structure

• hierarchical, authority based

• hierarchical, input encouraged

• egalitarian, democratic

Leadership Behaviors

• directive

• participative

• flexible, servant leadership

Standpoint or Location

• traditional self-interest

• enlightened self-interest

• feminist, communitarian

Perspective on Bargaining

• discrete event

• processual during bargaining process

• processual, continuously ongoing

Question Pious Assumptions

use a perspective by incongruity

Become aware of your illusions

known to self

not known to self

known to others

not known to others

open

hidden

blind

unknown

johari window

Bochner: self disclosure is a highly overrated activity.

personal values - Magritte

Bochner: long term relationships are maintained by illusions of truth, exaggerations of goodness, and less than full communication

Kaminer: we live in a cult of victimage

Are we entitled to be happy?

. . . life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

relationships need a spirit of improvisation.

When might we not be direct, honest and straightforward?

• hurt feelings

• cause anger

• damage relationship

• lose face

equivocation operates under conditions of uncertainty.

Julia Wood #2

assertive yielding

constructive

destructive

exit neglect

loyaltyvoice

Gender differences in conflict

• females talk to maintain relationships

• males become aggressive

• females enable conversation

• males get higher blood pressure

• females are trained to be sensitive

• males use exit and neglect strategies

• females use loyalty and voice strategies

Harriet Lerner

Who is responsible for what????

Kilmann and Thomas Conflict Management Model

concernfor self

non-assertion

assertion

concernfor other

non-cooperation cooperation

avoid accomodate

compete collaborate

compromise

identify personal preferences for fight patterns, and discuss this in relationships.• avoid

• accommodate

• compete

• compromise

• collaborate

• avoid - avoid

• avoid - accommodate

• avoid - compete

• avoid - compromise

• avoid - collaborate

• accommodate - accommodate

• accommodate - compete

• accommodate - compromise

• accommodate - collaborate

• compete - compete

• compete - compromise

• compete - collaborate

• compromise - compromise

• compromise - collaborate

• collaborate - collaborate

We place responsibility for what happens in a relationship either in ourselves, the other person, or perhaps in the luck of the situation.

ponder these:

your parent calls and asks how you are doing in your classes. You don’t think you are doing as well as he/she would like you to do.

your roommate asks what you think of the bright posters they’ve just put up around the room. You think they are a bit tacky.

Your romantic partner asks how many other people you’ve really loved before you met her/him. You don’t want to be truthful.

Your boss at work wants to know what your plans for the future are. You plan to leave as soon as you find a better job.

Your mother asks you about what your brother/sister has been up to lately. They have been doing something she wouldn’t be happy to hear.

Your romantic partner wants to know why you are spending so much time with your other friends. You have been bored with the relationship lately.

Gottman - two marriages: his and hers

• men have a harder time recovering from being upset - blood pressure & heart rate rise higher and stay high longer.

• physiologically men don’t need to relate to people as much as women . . .

a relation ship . . . who tends to be in-charge?

In order to keep a man engaged in a difficult discussion, a woman often raises the intensity to keep the man responsive.