conscious discipline by becky bailey parent study club month #4: choices fall - spring 2010-2011...
TRANSCRIPT
CONSCIOUS DISCIPLINEBy Becky Bailey
Parent Study Club Month #4: Choices
Fall - Spring 2010-2011
Presented By
Chapter #3 ReviewASSERTIVENESS
How are you doing? Are you…• Focusing on what you WANT?
• Pivoting when you are upset
• Breathing deeply and affirm the principle
• Are you being Assertive? Saying what you want/need and keeping your power?
• Teaching your child HOW to be Assertive?
#4 SKILL:Choices
Building Self-Esteem and Willpower
• Power: Power of FREE WILLThe only person you can make change is yourself!
#4 SKILL:Choices
Building Self-Esteem and Willpower
• Power: Power of FREE WILLThe only person you can make change is yourself!
• Value: Empowerment
#4 SKILL:Choices
Building Self-Esteem and Willpower
• Power: Power of FREE WILLThe only person you can make change is yourself!
• Value: Empowerment
• Purpose: Empowers children while setting limits.
#4 SKILL:Choices
Building Self-Esteem and Willpower
• Power: Power of FREE WILLThe only person you can make change is yourself!
• Value: Empowerment
• Purpose: Empowers children while setting limits.
• Brain Smart Tips: Choice changes brain chemistry so that learning is optimized
#4 SKILL:Choices
Building Self-Esteem and Willpower
• Power: Power of FREE WILLThe only person you can make change is yourself!
• Value: Empowerment
• Purpose: Empowers children while you set limits.
• Brain Smart Tips: Choice changes brain chemistry So that learning is optimized
• Emotional Development: Builds self-esteem & willpower; Impulse Control – reduces
impulsivity
#4 SKILL:Choices
Building Self-Esteem and Willpower
4 Principles:
1. The only person you can make change is yourself.
#4 SKILL:Choices
Building Self-Esteem and Willpower
4 Principles:
1. The only person you can make change is yourself.2. Giving your power away sets you up to blame.
#4 SKILL:Choices
Building Self-Esteem and Willpower
4 Principles:
1. The only person you can make change is yourself.2. Giving your power away sets you up to blame.3. Ask yourself:
“How do I help my child more likely choose to ______,” rather than, “How can I get my child to _______.”
SKILL #1: 5-Steps in delivering 2 positive choices.
#4 SKILL:Choices
Building Self-Esteem and Willpower
4 Principles:
1. The only person you can make change is yourself.2. Giving your power away sets you up to blame.3. Ask yourself,
“How do I help my child more likely choose to ______,”
rather than “How can I get my child to _______.”SKILL #1: 5-Steps in delivering 2 positive choices.
4. Making choices builds willpower and self-esteem.SKILL #2: Think AloudSKILL #3: The parroting technique
#4 SKILL:Choices
Building Self-Esteem and Willpower
Practice your NEW mottoThe only person I can make change…..(exhale) is me.
ELEVATOR ROAD RAGE
SPOUSE?THROWING STICKS EXAMPLE
PRINCIPLE #1
Becky says this the principle that is most challenging to her.
If you believe that others can make you act or feel a certain way,
then it is reasonable to assume that you can make others act in a certain way.
BOTH BELIEFS ARE FALSE!!!!
PRINCIPLE #1
STILL, these beliefs are widely held,
causing great trouble in relationships and profoundly shaping
how we handle discipline situations.
PRINCIPLE #1
Practice the Power of Free Will by consciously becoming aware of
how often you think others are making you do or feel things.
Move from operating in a victim position into operating in an empowered state!
Let’s Practice your NEW mottoThe only person I can make change…..(exhale) is me.
I will TAKE CHARGE OF ME!
PRINCIPLE #1
THE BLAME GAME
Giving your power away to children/anyone means you have
put them in charge of your behavior.
PRINCIPLE #2
Giving your power awayto children or anyonesets them up to be
“pleasers” or “controllers.”
It also sets you up to BLAME!
PRINCIPLE #2
Pleasers: Don’t want to abuse their reign as King.
Controllers: Will take the power and run with it!
Again setting you up to BLAME!
PRINCIPLE #2
What happens when your child fails after you’ve given them the power?
Feelings of inadequacyLOW Self-Esteem
Again setting you up to BLAME!
PRINCIPLE #2
Which of these statements isEMPOWERING?
• I have to balance my checkbook today.• Don’t make me have to speak to you again.• Let me finish reading the story and I will help
you, OK?• You should sit in your car seat honey.• You are making us late to pick up daddy,
please put on your coat.• When you are quiet I will begin…• Look at how you made your sister sad.• I should get the dinner started.• You make me so angry when you do that!
NONE!Ineffective Communication
Underline words that give power away p.137
• I have to balance my checkbook today.• Don’t make me have to speak to you again.• Let me finish reading the story and I will help
you, OK?• You should sit in your car seat honey.• You are making us late to pick up daddy,
please put on your coat.• When you are quiet I will begin…• Look at how you made your sister sad.• I should get the dinner started.• You make me so angry when you do that!
RECLAIM YOUR POWERModel Empowerment vs. Entitlement
ACTIVITY: Let’s rewrite from entitlement to empowerment
• I have to balance my checkbook today.• Don’t make me have to speak to you again.• Let me finish reading the story and I will help
you, OK?• You should sit in your car seat honey.• You are making us late to pick up daddy,
please put on your coat.• When you are quiet I will begin…• Look at how you made your sister sad.• I should get the dinner started.• You make me so angry when you do that!
Remember the Passive teacher from Chapter 3?
• “Don’t make me call your mother.”
• You have given your power to the child.
• How about offering this CHOICE instead?“You can tap your sticks or roll your sticks on the floor – what will you choose? I see you chose to tap your sticks.” (parrot if needed)
PRINCIPLE #3
CHOICES
PRINCIPLE #3
“How do I help the child my child be more likely to choose to ______?”
Rather than
“How can I get my child to ______?”
REFRAMING BLAMEp.139
1. ________ (Name) made me do it!
Response:
Is ____ the boss of you? NO!
What could you do differently if you were the boss of you?
REFRAMING BLAME
2. ________ (Name) made me do it!
Response:
Is ____ the boss of you? YES!
How sad! That must be hard for you with ______ bossing you all the time?
“How do I help the child my child be more likely to choose to ______?”
Rather than
“How can I get my child to ______?”
PRINCIPLE #3Now we are ready to offer 2 positive choices
CHOICES FOR CHILDREN
• For children to begin making good choices the fear of punishment must be minimal
• Focus should be on solutions• Give two POSITIVE choices so they feel
empowered. NOTE: We often give ONE positive and one negative, which is NOT a choice but a manipulation!(Developmental Opposition)
5 Step Processfor Giving Choices
1. Breathe deeplyThink about what you want the child TO do!
5 Step Processfor Giving Choices
1. Breathe deeply2. Say “You have a choice.” in an UPBEAT
tone!-Your attitude will lighten up the situation.
5 Step Processfor Giving Choices
1. Breathe deeply2. Say “You have a choice.” in an UPBEAT
tone!3. State the two POSITIVE choices
-Not to be confused with “do it” & “or else?”-Either 2 positive options or 2 options that are both acceptable to you.
5 Step Processfor Giving Choices
1. Breathe deeply2. Say “You have a choice.” in an UPBEAT
tone!3. State the two POSITIVE choices4. Ask for a commitment
–“What is your choice?”
What happens if you think “WHAT IF?” This fear yields resistance
5 Step Processfor Giving Choices
1. Breathe deeply2. Say “You have a choice.” in an UPBEAT
tone!3. State the two POSITIVE choices4. Ask for a commitment
– i.e. “What is your choice?”5. Notice the choice and state with love
“You chose…”
Activity to Give2 Positive Choices
Provide 2 Positive Choices for these 3 scenarios
SCENE: Playing with Food p.143
SCENE: Listening
SCENE: Finishing work
Activity to Give2 Positive Choices
Provide 2 Positive Choices for these 3 scenarios
HOW DID YOU DO?Discussion
P. 156
PRINCIPLE #4
Making ChoicesBuilds Willpower
AndSelf-Esteem
PRINCIPLE #4
A person’s ability to make choices and commit to those choices is a measure of self-esteem.
Think about that statement for a moment . . .
PRINCIPLE #4
A person’s ability to make choices and commit to those choices is a measure of self-esteem.
Think about that statement for a moment . . .
To really make a choice, you must make a decision and
accept the consequences of that decision!
PRINCIPLE #4p.144
It is IMPOSSIBLE to make your own choicesand simultaneously try to please others.
Women – BEWAREWomen are socialized to please others!
Becky’s “lunch location” conversation example
PRINCIPLE #4
As a PARENT
You cannot set limits and take care of your child’s feelings at the same time.
PRINCIPLE #4
Children who have trouble making choices are:
1.Those who refuse to make a choicea) Point out to the child the many choices they are always making (Examples)
b) Offer the child small choices that involve closeness with you. (Ease child toward independence, but still create autonomy)
c) Model acceptance of mistakes, theirs and ours. SKILL #2
PRINCIPLE #4
THINK ALOUD SKILLRead Page 146 Bottom
Shows children how to handle mistakes while helping to eliminate the behavior for the future.
PRINCIPLE #4
Children who have trouble making choices are:
1.Those who Refuse to make a choice2.Those who Resist the Structure (Give A or B – they pick C)
Power Struggle: Developmental or Learned Opposition?
PRINCIPLE #4
Power Struggle Developmental Opposition
Researchers call this natural process “individuation separation”
PRINCIPLE #4
To Help with Developmental Opposition
1.Resist Power Struggle2.Stay with what you WANT3.Use the Parroting Technique
- Becky’s “Block Example” p. 148- CD’s entitled “Preventing Power Struggles”
4.
PRINCIPLE #4
THE PARROTING TECHNIQUE p. 148
- Let’s Practice: How Many Times?- CD’s entitled:
“Preventing Power Struggles”
PRINCIPLE #4
To Help with Developmental Opposition
1.Resist Power Struggle2.Stay with what you WANT3.Use the Parroting Technique
- Becky’s “Block Example” p. 148- CD’s entitled “Preventing Power Struggles”
4. Recognize WILLPOWER if your child chooses to cooperate with you.
PRINCIPLE #4Power Struggle
Learned Opposition
This type of child has learned resistance as a way to get needs met. Children learn resistance in three basic ways.1. Parenting not meeting needs
2. Permissive Parenting (Dance Around or Cave-in)3. Family Troubles
Read P. 150 for more . . .
PRINCIPLE #4
Children who have trouble making choices are:
1. Those who refuse to make a choice2. Those who resist the structure (Give A or B – they pick C)
3.Those who change their minds (They Pick A, then switch to B, then back)Frequent (chronic): “Attention – Hurry up world”
or Infrequent: “Stress” Regress Developmentally
PRINCIPLE #4
Children who have trouble making choices are:
1. Those who refuse to make a choice2. Those who resist the structure (Give A or B – they pick C)3. Those who change their minds (They Pick A, then switch to B, then back)
4.Those who developmentally do not understand what a choice is? P. 145-152
• Focus on EMPOWERMENT vs. Entitlement• Change should to could then make a choice!• Catch yourself thinking:
“How can I get Johnny to...” and STOP• Follow 5-steps to Provide Choices• Use “Parroting” instead of “Power Struggles”• “Think Aloud” to teach your child how to
handle mistakes.
SKILL #4 SUMMARYCHOICES
No time like the present