connection circles facilitation and implementation...connection circles focus on communication and...

Connection Circles Facilitation and ImplementationCenter for Community Dialogue & Training

A program of Our Family Services, Tucson, AZ

How to Use This Manual Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

HOW TO USE THIS MANUAL

This manual is part of the Connection Circles program for youth, and supplements training in neutral Circle facilitation and program implementation offered through the Center for Community Dialogue and Training, a program of Our Family Services, Tucson, AZ.

For more information, contact the Center at [email protected], or 520-323-1708.

The Center is available to consult with sites interested in implementing a Connection Circles program.

This project was funded by the ACR/JAMS Foundation Initiative for Students and Youth

TABLE OF CONTENTSHow to Use This Manual . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3The Power of the Circle: Uniting in Thought and Action . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7Using a Talking Piece for Circles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .8Connection Circles Theory of Change . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9Keys for Successful Implementation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10Components of a Connection Circle Session . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12The Facilitator’s Welcome (aka “The Opening Statement”) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .13The Role of Staff in the Circle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .14Connection Circles Forms for Reflection, Data Tracking and Evaluation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15

Connection Circles Scripts and Youth JournalsDifficult Conversations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .19Coping with Awful Situations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .27Active Listening . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .35What is the Opposite of Prejudice? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .43Empathy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .51How to Identify Feelings and Needs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .57How to Handle Anger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .63Grudges and Forgiveness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .69Tolerance . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .75Respect . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .81Telling My Truth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .87Blame and the Fundamental Error of Attribution. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .97Unfairness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103Rumors and Gossip . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 109Compassion and Self Care . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 115

AppendixOptional Activities . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 123

The Big Wind Blows . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 123Count to 10 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 124Elephants and Palm Trees . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 124I’m Going on a Picnic . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 125Jack and Jill . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 126I Spy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 127Laughter Yoga . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 127Listen to the Universe . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 130My Bonnie . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 131Name Meaning . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 131Pattern Ball . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 131Rainstorm . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 133Sing Fling . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 133Stand Up . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 134Whatcha Doin’? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 134The Wright Family . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135Zip Zap Boing. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 136

Facilitator Log . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 137Staff Observation Log . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 139Circle Agreements . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141Red Card/Green Card Exercise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 155

Red Cards . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 157Green Cards . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 175

Research Basis for Connection Circles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 191Tips From Facilitators. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 193

3830 E Bellevue, Tucson, Arizona 85716(520) 323-1708 • Fax (520) 323-9077

www.ourfamilyservices.org

Dear Connection Circle Facilitator,

Thank you for your interest in the Connection Circles program for youth.

Connection Circles are voluntary, structured conversations for youth ages 14-24, and the adults who work with them, in which every participant is both a speaker and a listener. The Circles can be held in a variety of settings, including classrooms, after-school and drop-in programs, and youth shelters and residential programs.

Connection Circles focus on communication and conflict resolution skills, with the goal of improving the quality of relationships that youth experience with each other, staff, and others in their lives. Circles are run by neutral facilitators who do not judge or correct participants as they explore empathy, respect, tolerance, forgiveness, listening, feelings and needs, and other topics related to communication and conflict resolution.

The neutral Circle process plays an essential role in imparting these concepts. The medium is the message. While Connection Circle facilitators are not “teachers,” their skill in neutrally and compassionately conducting the Circles is a powerful teaching tool in and of itself.

Connection Circles were created by the Center for Community Dialogue & Training (ourfamilyservices.org/center), a program of the nonprofit Our Family Services, Tucson, AZ. The Center helps individuals and groups talk about challenging issues in a skilled, civil, and respectful way through a variety of programs and services, including mediation, group facilitation, dialogue circles for youth and elders, community forums, and training.

The Connection Circles pilot program was funded by the ACR/JAMS Foundation Initiative for Students and Youth. You can learn more about the JAMS Foundation here: https://www.jamsadr.com/jamsfoundation/ and the Association for Conflict Resolution here: https://acrnet.org/

The materials in this manual, and online neutral facilitator training provided by the Center, will get you started conducting your own Connection Circles. Thank you for your participation in this proactive program, and for ALL you do for youth!

3830 E. Bellevue, Tucson, Arizona 85716(520) 323-1708 Fax (520) 323-9077




Connection Circles are voluntary, structured conversations for youth ages 14-24, and the adults who work with them, in which every participant is both a speaker and a listener. The Circles can be held in a variety of settings, including classrooms, after-school and drop-in programs, andyouth shelters and residential programs.

Connection Circles focus on communication and conflict resolution skills, with the goal ofimproving the quality of relationships that youth experience with each other, staff, and others intheir lives. Circles are run by neutral facilitators who do not judge or correct participants as they explore empathy, respect, tolerance, forgiveness, listening, feelings and needs, and other topics related to communication and conflict resolution.

The neutral Circle process plays an essential role in imparting these concepts. The medium isthe message. While Connection Circle facilitators are not “teachers,” their skill in neutrally andcompassionately conducting the Circles is a powerful teaching tool in and of itself.

Connection Circles were created by the Center for Community Dialogue & Training (ourfamilyservices.org/center), a program of the nonprofit Our Family Services, Tucson, AZ.The Center helps individuals and groups talk about challenging issues in a skilled, civil, andrespectful way through a variety of programs and services, including mediation, group facilitation, dialogue circles for youth and elders, community forums, and training.



Catherine Tornbom Christina Medvescek Manager Community Dialogue Specialist Center for Community Dialogue Center for Community Dialogue & Training & Training

Catherine TornbomManagerCenter for Community Dialogue & Training

Christina MedvescekCommunity Dialogue SpecialistCenter for Community Dialogue & Training

3830 E. Bellevue, Tucson, Arizona 85716(520) 323-1708 Fax (520) 323-9077




Connection Circles are voluntary, structured conversations for youth ages 14-24, and the adults who work with them, in which every participant is both a speaker and a listener. The Circles can be held in a variety of settings, including classrooms, after-school and drop-in programs, andyouth shelters and residential programs.

Connection Circles focus on communication and conflict resolution skills, with the goal ofimproving the quality of relationships that youth experience with each other, staff, and others intheir lives. Circles are run by neutral facilitators who do not judge or correct participants as they explore empathy, respect, tolerance, forgiveness, listening, feelings and needs, and other topics related to communication and conflict resolution.

The neutral Circle process plays an essential role in imparting these concepts. The medium isthe message. While Connection Circle facilitators are not “teachers,” their skill in neutrally andcompassionately conducting the Circles is a powerful teaching tool in and of itself.

Connection Circles were created by the Center for Community Dialogue & Training (ourfamilyservices.org/center), a program of the nonprofit Our Family Services, Tucson, AZ.The Center helps individuals and groups talk about challenging issues in a skilled, civil, andrespectful way through a variety of programs and services, including mediation, group facilitation, dialogue circles for youth and elders, community forums, and training.



Catherine Tornbom Christina Medvescek Manager Community Dialogue Specialist Center for Community Dialogue Center for Community Dialogue & Training & Training

The Power of the Circle: Uniting in Thought and Action Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

THE POWER OF THE CIRCLE: UNITING IN

THOUGHT AND ACTION

When we are in Circle with others, the energy stays contained within the group giving back to all. There are many reasons for why a gathering of people in a Circle is powerful.

A Circle is a shape that is found repeatedly throughout the natural world, and it is a symbol of perfection. We recreate this perfect shape when we join others to form a Circle.

Being in a Circle allows us to experience each other as equals. Each person is the same distance apart from the next participant, and no one is seated higher than or stands apart from others in a Circle.

From tribal Circles to the mythical round table of King Arthur , the Circle has been the shape adopted by gatherings throughout history. The Circle is acknowledged as an archetype of wholeness and integration, with the center of a Circle universally understood to symbolize Spirit - the Source.

When a group of people come together in a Circle, they are united. This unity becomes even more powerful when each person reaches out to touch a neighbor and clasps hands. This physical connection unites thought and action, mind and body, and spirit and form in a Circle.

Because a Circle has no beginning and no end, the agreement to connect in a Circle allows energy to circulate from one person to the next, rather than being dissipated into the environment.

Like a candle used to light another candle, the connection with spirit that results when one person joins hands with another is greater than if each person were to stand alone. People who take part in a Circle find that their power increases exponentially while with the group. Like a drop of water rippling on the surface of a pond, the waves of energy produced in a Circle radiate outward in circular motion.

While one person may act like a single beacon that emanates light, a Circle of people is like a satellite dish that sends out energy. There is power in numbers, and when the commitment is made by many to face one another ... and focus on one intention, their Circle emanates ripples of energy that can change the world.

— by Madisyn Taylor, DailyOM, July 22, 2014

Using a Talking Piece for CirclesCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

USING A TALKING PIECE FOR CIRCLES

Using a talking piece during a Circle has been found to be very helpful for participants in supporting both the Intentions and the Guidelines. It is a tangible reminder of what makes the Circles a unique form of communication.

The talking piece has its origins in Native American council meetings where a talking stick is often passed to signify who has the floor. It prevents cross talk, honors the words, and shows respect for the person holding it.

In contemporary Circles a talking piece is used to focus the group’s attention, slow down the pace, and remind participants of the one-at-a-time speaking.

The person who holds the stick speaks the wisdom that they have to offer the Circle. Once the holder of the talking piece has completed speaking, they pass it to the next person.

Each in turn until all participants have spoken.

A talking piece is always a request for listening, to the words spoken and the silences in between. It is a reminder to listen within and speak directly from the heart the simple truth of one’s perceptions and/or questions.

Groups may choose to use talking sticks in different ways: “…to focus on listening and speaking about what really matters or to slow down the pace, or to provide opportunity for silence and reflection. Some groups use talking sticks for entire dialogues; others when a member wishes to call for a slow-down, and others simply place the stick in the center of the Circle to be picked up by anyone, at any time, as a call for listening and attention.”

This information based on: Dialogue….. Rediscover the Transforming Power of ConversationLinda Ellinor & Glenna Gerard

Connection Circles Theory of Change Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

CONNECTION CIRCLES THEORY OF CHANGE

Conflict reduction is facilitated through specific knowledge and skills that can be learned and adopted. These include practices such as active listening, empathy, respect, tolerance, and dealing with anger.

A Circle is a structured process of practicing respectful listening, and facilitates connection with other Circle participants. The process of a Circle also allows reflection on what others say and what one is learning.

If youth participate in Connection Circles on conflict reduction topics, they will gain knowledge and insight into their own feelings and behavior, and will also be able to recognize specific behaviors in others related to Circles topics.

If youth and adults experience connection with other Circle participants, they will be willing to engage respectfully with them.

If youth and adult Circle participants experience increased connection and acquire insights into specific conflict-reduction behaviors, they will try practicing these behaviors at their program site.

If youth and adults practice pro-social conflict-reduction behaviors, there will be a reduction in conflictive incidents at the site where they are program participants.

*See Appendix for the Research Basis of Connection Circles

Keys for Successful ImplementationCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

KEYS FOR SUCCESSFUL IMPLEMENTATION

Formal evaluation of the Connection Circles program showed that sites that addressed and incorporated the following three elements had long-term, well-attended, engaging Connection Circles that supported and enhanced the site’s overall goals for their youth.

1. Site commitment ● Connection Circles fit with site’s overall goals for youth, and are integrated into the larger program

● Consider how your site is already working on improving communication and conflict resolution skills. How do Connection Circles fit into the effort?

● Do staff understand and support the program? ● Consistent place, time, facilitator and staff presence

● Connections Circles can be a short- or long-term program, and can be offered weekly on an ongoing basis, or for just a few weeks.

● The Circle meets on a posted schedule in the same quiet, comfortable, private place, with the same facilitator or co-facilitator team, and is almost never “bumped” for other activities.

● There is a consistent staff presence as Circle participants (not the neutral facilitator). The staff participant does not have to be the same person each time, but there should usually be a staff person participating fully in the Circle.

● The Circle is advertised among youth, and staff encourage youth attendance. ● Snacks!

2. Dialogue Circle model ● Connection Circles are voluntary structured conversations using a neutral facilitator and talking piece,

in which all participants are speakers and listeners. ● Participation in a Connection Circle is voluntary. If youth agree to participate, they are not required to

speak, and may choose to pass as often as they want. However, all Circle participants must follow the Circle agreements.

● The 15 “scripts” in this manual form the basis of the Connection Circles program. Facilitators may create new scripts that follow the same template (open-ended questions that encourage reflection and connection to life experience).

● The topics in this manual may be introduced in any order, and repeated. In established programs, youth may event create their own Circle scripts.

● The medium is the message. The experience of talking and listening in a neutrally facilitated Circle imparts the biggest lesson to youth.

3. Skilled neutral facilitators ● A big part of Connection Circles’ appeal to youth are facilitators who are transparent about the process

and neutrally accepting of participants’ viewpoints. Facilitators do not deviate from the script so they can seize a teachable moment or correct misconceptions. The facilitator “holds the Circle space” so learning and understanding can happen.

Keys for Successful Implementation Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

● Facilitators are: ● Nonjudgmental ● Accepting of students’ levels of participation ● Respectful ● In charge of creating a safe and respectful space for all ● Prepared, e.g., familiar with the Circle script, equipped with all necessary materials (talking piece,

game materials, etc.), and mentally prepared to act natural and “trust the process” when youth initially are suspicious of the Circle process, or find it “weird” to speak in this way.

● Facilitators can be staff members, volunteers, site alumni, or other adults who ● can commit to an ongoing Circle presence, ● have received training in neutral Circle facilitation (such as through the Center for Community

Dialogue), and ● are perceived by participants as being friendly, accessible, and neutral.

● The Connection Circles pilot program utilizes a co-facilitator model. This was done to better support

volunteers in starting and sustaining programs at their sites. ● Co-facilitators take turns being the neutral facilitator from week to week. ● When not serving as the neutral facilitator, the other facilitator joins the Circle as a full participant. ● The co-facilitator model works well when one facilitator is unable to attend, allowing the program

to maintain consistency.

● If staff members serve as facilitators: ● Ensure they are always free at Circle time and will not be called away in the middle of a Circle to

handle a situation elsewhere. ● Consider whether a staff member who does not usually interact with the youth can serve as

facilitator. ● Ensure they do not have to handle serious discipline issues as well as facilitate. Can other staff

members be present to support youth with significant behavior challenges? Remember that if youth can’t follow the Circle agreements, they cannot participate.

● Be aware if a facilitator is not a good “fit” for the group (one potential sign is that after initial interest, no one wants to come). Facilitators shouldn’t take it personally – it happens.

● Support the facilitator in reviewing how the Circle is being conducted. Is the facilitator following the script, not trying to teach, and being friendly, accepting and nonjudgmental?

● If the facilitator is not a good fit for the group, be willing to change facilitators, and even to shut down the Circle until a new facilitator can be found.

Components of a Connection Circle SessionCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

COMPONENTS OF A CONNECTION CIRCLE

SESSION

Before (30 min) Arrive 30 minutes early

Gather materials, set up room, review script, coordinate with co-facilitator

During (1 hour) Journaling (optional) and snack (10 min)

Game (optional -10 min)

Circle Agreements (5 min)

Circle conversation (30 min)

Pass out new journal page (optional 5 min)

After (15-30 min.) Clean up the space, replace furniture, check supplies for the next Circle.

Optional: Fill out the Facilitators Log, give staff the Staff Log, and collect Youth Journal pages. Put completed forms in a designated collection spot.

COMPONENTS OF A DIALOGUE CIRCLE

Agreements Facilitators set the tone for the discussion and create the space.

Introduction round Everyone participates, topic is affirming of both uniqueness and commonality.

Discussion rounds Answers are up to the participants.Facilitators may share information or lead brief activities.

Closing round Encourages reflection about the experience.

The Facilitator’s Welcome (aka “The Opening Statement”) Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

THE FACILITATOR’S WELCOME (aka “The Opening Statement”)

The facilitator’s first actions create an indelible first impression. The Welcome is your biggest and best opportunity to create a Circle space and invite people into it.

Take a moment and list some things that make you feel welcome, or unwelcome, when you go into a new place, or are with new people. How does feeling welcome, or unwelcome, affect your experience? You can see the importance of the welcome to helping people speak and listen from their hearts.

Take time during your welcome. Don’t rush or be perfunctory. Slowness and calmness help people settle gradually before the Circle is opened.

Open a space inside yourself that accepts the Circle just as it is. Think of the Circle members as you would honored and beloved guests in your home. Think of yourself not at all. Trust the process. Be naturally respectful of others and, equally important, be respectful of the Circle process, of which you are the keeper. Feel the lightness and ease that comes from letting go of the idea that the facilitator needs to teach or change anyone or anything. With your tone, body language, and words, welcome participants into this rare, nonjudgmental, safe, respectful, and cooperative space.

ELEMENTS OF THE FACILITATOR WELCOMEBelow are elements of a Connection Circle opening statement, followed by examples from the standard Connection Circles script. Facilitators may use the standard script or reword it in a way that feels more natural. Either way, be sure to practice your welcome out loud when preparing for the Circle.

1. Welcome participants, introduce yourself. “Hello, my name is [ __ ] and I will be your neutral facilitator today.”

2. Transparently explain your role.“My job is to support you in having an in-depth and respectful conversation. I will not be involved in the content of the conversation, nor will I be making comments about what you say.”

3. Explain the priority of their thoughts and feelings.“This is another way to honor and respect your thoughts and feelings. They are powerful in and of themselves and do not need anyone to validate them.”

4. Review the Circle Agreements.“Before we get to our topic for today, let’s review the Circle Agreements. …”

5. Formally open the Circle.“The Circle is now OPEN.”

The Role of Staff in the CircleCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

THE ROLE OF STAFF IN THE CIRCLE

PARTICIPATEA staff member or long-term volunteer must always be one of the Circle participants, even if another staff member is serving as the Circle facilitator.

SPEAK AND LISTEN FROM THE HEARTIt’s a mistake to use your Circle participation to try to teach a lesson. If you catch yourself lecturing or giving advice, stop. Speak about your own experiences, feelings, and goals, and let others speak about theirs.

PRIME THE PUMPAs a full participant in the Circle, the staff member sets an example and builds bonds that outlast the Circle.

HONOR CONFIDENTIALITYUnless there is responsibility to report, what’s said in Circle, stays in Circle.

WATCH FOR CHANCES TO PRACTICE THE SKILL DISCUSSED IN THE CIRCLEIn interactions outside the Circle, small or relatively minor problems offer excellent opportunities to practice communication and conflict resolution skills. It may seem like you’re spending more time than the problem is worth, but you’ll gain it back in the long run.

Connection Circles Forms for Reflection, Data Tracking and Evaluation Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

CONNECTION CIRCLES FORMS

FOR REFLECTION, DATA TRACKING AND

EVALUATION

YOUTH JOURNALLocated after each script in the manualOriginally designed as an evaluation tool, the Journals also proved to be an effective tool for reflection. They are always optional.

Because of its evaluation component, the Connection Circles pilot program collected anonymous youth journals. Youth at some sites were offered an incentive ($5 gift card) for a completed journal that showed reflection on the topic.

Absent the need to collect evaluation data, sites can creatively and personally utilize youth journals. For example, the program may give youth their own private notebooks, or even create a tech platform (text, audio, or video) where youth can share their reflections.

FACILITATOR LOGLocated in the AppendixThe Log aids in collecting quantitative data. It also serves as a valuable reminder from week to week of which topics have been used, and how participants responded.

STAFF OBSERVATION LOGLocated in the AppendixThis form assesses the effect of the Connection Circle program on the larger program. It is completed periodically by site staff, not by the facilitator.

Connection Circles Forms for Reflection, Data Tracking and EvaluationCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

Connection Circles Scripts and Youth Journals

Difficult Conversations Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS

Note: This is often the first script used when starting a Connection Circles program because it introduces the concept of a Dialogue Circle.

Preparation: 30 minutes prior to start time � Find staff and gather materials (snack items, blank journal entry pages from the previous week’s topic,

pens/pencils, facilitators log, agreements, talking piece, etc.).

� Review activity instructions and Circle script with co-facilitator.

� Arrange seating in a Circle. Ask for assistance if needed.

A. Snack and Optional Journal Activity: 10 minutes � As youth arrive, offer them a snack.

� Optional: Journaling. Provide blank journal pages for those who would like them. Provide a comfortable space to write, and pens or pencils.

B. Optional Activity: 10 minutesSee Appendix

Note: The Big Wind Blows is often used as an introductory ice-breaker, if this is the first Connection Circle for the group.

C. Connection Circle Agreements: 15 minutes Materials: Copies of the Circle agreements

Note: This section can be shortened to save time, if it is not the first time youth have participated in Connection Circles

1. All should be seated in a Circle.

2. Each facilitator briefly tells a little about themselves: e.g., how long lived in the area, what do/did for a living, something you like to do for fun, kids and pets.

3. The facilitator or co-facilitator explains the Connection Circles program schedule:

Facilitator: This program is called Connection Circles. [Co-facilitator] and I are going to be the Circle facilitators and you will see us each week.

The purpose of the Connection Circles program is to provide a chance to think about and talk about communication and conflict resolution. This will happen through a Dialogue Circle, which is what we are going to do in a minute.

Difficult ConversationsCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

4. Describe the Circle process.

Facilitator: Let’s get started with our Connection Circle for today. Here is a brief description of how the Circle works.

[If working with a co-facilitator] [Co-facilitator} and I will take turns being the neutral Circle facilitator. The one who isn’t the Circle facilitator will be a full participant in the Circle.

The Circle facilitator’s job is to support you in having an in-depth and respectful conversation. When I am being the neutral facilitator, I will not be involved in the conversation. I will not restate or reframe what you say. This may be different from you are used to.

Having a neutral facilitator is a way to honor and respect your thoughts and feelings. Your Circle responses are powerful in and of themselves and do not need anyone to validate them.

In the Circle, people talk one at a time, with no interruption. To help this happen, we will be using this talking piece.

Show your talking pieces. Optional: Briefly tell a little bit about it.

Facilitator: In Connection Circles, we follow basic agreements to create a safe space for our conversation. Here are the basic agreements for a Connection Circle.

As you introduce each agreement, display the written agreement (see Appendix). Say a little about what it means. You can also ask the youth for their opinions about what that agreement means. Examples are included in italics under the agreements.

Agreements

1. Participate in the Circle as a listener and a speaker.(Both give and receive wisdom in the Circle)

2. Stay in Circle until the end.(It takes energy out of the group when people leave in the middle. Please don’t do that. Commit to staying the whole time. If you must leave, tell us why you are going and say goodbye.)

3. One person speaks at a time using the talking piece.

4. Show respect for all.(What does it look like when we respect each other?)

5. It’s OK to pass.(You are still a participant, even if you pass. The facilitator will come back at the end of the round and check again to give you a second chance.)


6. This is a no-phone zone.(When you are using your phone, you are not in the Circle)

7. What is said in the Circle stays in the Circle.(Do not name names about who said what in Circle. Do not gossip with others about what is said here. Our Circle has to be a safe space to be honest without fear it will be used against you later.)

Facilitator: Are there other agreements we need to add to the list?

If there are additional agreements, ask the group if they are OK with the suggestion, then write it on a separate sheet of paper.

Facilitator: Does everyone agree to follow these agreements? [Look around the Circle at each person and check for agreement]

D. Circle Conversation: 25 minutesMaterials: talking piece, script

Facilitator: The Circle is now open. The topic of our dialogue circle is ”Difficult Conversations.”

Today we are going to take a closer look at Difficult Conversations, which are conversations in which we need to understand each other, but instead we end up arguing or shouting, or shutting down. Have you ever had a conversation like that? Most of us have.

We’re also going to take a closer look at the Dialogue Circle process we’re experiencing right now, with our talking piece and our chairs in a circle, as one possible way to handle a Difficult Conversation so people feel heard and understood.

Introductions

Facilitator: Let’s start by putting our names into the Circle and introduce ourselves. Please don’t pass on this round. Say your name into the Circle and answer this question: If you had to choose, would you rather vacation on the beach or in a famous city? If you want, you can say which beach, or which city. [Pass the talking piece to your right]

Information sharing

Facilitator: For our first round, let’s identify some difficult conversations we have faced in our lives. We call these conversations “difficult” because they’re about things that have a lot of meaning to us, but that can be hard to talk about. We also call these conversations “difficult” because we have strong feelings about the topic, or the person we’re speaking to, and emotions can sometimes get in the way of words.


Round 1

Facilitator: For this first round, in a few words, please say what you think of when you hear the words “difficult conversation.” What situations come to mind? [Pass the talking piece to the left].

Round 2

Facilitator: In your experience, what are some things that people say and do that cause conversations to be difficult? What exactly goes wrong in a difficult conversation?

Who would like to start? You can pass to the left or right when you’re done.

Round 3

Facilitator: This Dialogue Circle we’re talking in now — which we call a Connection Circle —is a way to respectfully listen and speak from the heart. Some people have said that it feels kind of weird and awkward at first.

Our next round is short: What’s different about this conversation from a normal conversation? Who would like to start? [Pass talking piece to the person who volunteers]

Round 4

Facilitator: Three key elements give Dialogue Circles their power:

� a meaningful topic

� taking turns with the talking piece

� agreeing to talk and listen respectfully

A Dialogue Circle can be used by two people, handing a talking stick back and forth. It also can be facilitated (or run) by someone who is neutral and doesn’t take sides or give advice. That’s the model we use in these Connection Circles. Each of you could also play this role with others.

For our last round, please name some situations in which you think a Dialogue Circle might be a useful tool. It could be personal, or on a larger scale, like at school or in the world.

Closing Round

Facilitator: To bring the Circle to a close, let’s do a brief closing round: What is one word that describes your experience in the Dialogue Circle today? [Pass the talking piece to left]

Thank you for participating. It is your wisdom that makes a Circle what it is.

The Circle is now closed.


E. Optional Journal Entry Pages: 5 minutes Materials: blank journal pages for that day’s topic

Note: Journal pages are a way for youth to reflect further on the topic and connect it to events in their own lives. You may give participants a notebook and encourage them to keep a private journal, or you may ask that the pages be turned in as a way to give your program feedback about the value of the Circle to the youth.

Facilitator: Here is a Journal Page based on the topic for today’s Circle. You may fill it out now, or take it with you and turn it in later. The journal is a place to write down your thoughts and observations about how this topic relates to your daily life and the people you know.

We sincerely appreciate hearing your feedback on how these topics are expressed in real life, and your honest opinion about them.

You may write whatever you want, but we ask that your journal entries show thought about the topic -- in other words, don’t write simply “I don’t know” or “This is stupid.” If you have negative opinions about a topic, explain why.

Optional: Your site may decide to give incentives (e.g., candy, gift cards, etc.) for completed journal pages. Note: To preserve neutrality, facilitators should not judge whether a journal entry qualifies for an incentive, and should not distribute incentives.

Facilitator: As a thank-you for sharing your observations, we would like to give you [incentive] for every journal page you turn in that shows thought and connection to the topic. [STAFF MEMBER] is collecting your journal entries and will distribute the gift cards. See [STAFF MEMBER] to collect your gift card if you have turned in a journal page.

After the Circle Session: 15-30 minutes

� Clean up the area as needed, including replacing furniture. Put away Circle materials (snacks, pencils, talking piece, etc.). Note whether you need anything for the next Circle (e.g., additional copies of Journal Pages, Facilitator Logs, pencils, snacks, etc.).

� If collecting Youth Journal pages, put them in the designated collection spot.

� If collecting Staff Logs, give a log to site staff and collect any Logs they may have filled out earlier. Put in the designated collection spot.

� If completing a Facilitator Log, be sure to note anything interesting that happened in the Circle, including participant comments (anonymous), and any additional Circle questions you may have added to the script. Note anything that did not go right, or that needs to be addressed. Put the Facilitator Log in the designated collection spot.

Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

Reflections: What stands out to you from the Circle discussion about difficult conversations and dialogue circles?

Difficult Conversations Please fill out front and back

Date of journal entry:: This is my first Circle I have attended a Circle before

Journal Page Connection Circles

Observations: What do you notice about the way that people in your life discuss important topics?

Continued on back


Observations: In your life, are there some situations where a dialogue circle might be useful for better communication? If yes, please share a little about those situations.

How much did you know about dialogue circles BEFORE the Connection Circle? Mark one box:

How much do you know about dialogue circles AFTER the Connection Circle? Mark one box:

1

I don’t know any‐thing about them

2

I know a li�le about ithem

3

I know quite a bit about them

4

I know a large amount about them

1

I didn’t know any‐thing about them

2

I knew a li�le about them

3

I knew quite a bit about them

4

I knew a large amount about them

Coping with Awful Situations Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

COPING WITH AWFUL SITUATIONS


pens/pencils, facilitators log, agreements, talking piece, etc.)

� Review activity instructions and circle script with co-facilitator.

� Arrange seating into a circle; ask for assistance if needed.




C. Circle Agreements: 5 minutes Materials: Agreement sheets

1. Sit in a circle. If needed, facilitator and co-facilitator should re-introduce themselves very briefly

Facilitator: I am going to be your neutral facilitator this week and [co-facilitator] is going to join the Circle as a participant. As a neutral facilitator, I will be posing questions for you to discuss, but I will not be answering the questions or commenting on people’s answers. Your thoughts and feelings are powerful in and of themselves. First, we’ll review the Circle agreements.

2. Use the agreements sheets to review the agreements.

Agreements

1. Participate in the Circle as a listener and a speaker. 2. Stay in Circle until the end.3. One person speaks at a time using the talking piece.4. Show respect for all.5. It’s OK to pass.6. This is a no-phone zone.7. What is said in the Circle stays in the Circle.

Coping with Awful SituationsCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

Facilitator: Does everyone agree to follow these agreements? OK, let’s get to our conversation.

D. Circle conversation: 30 minutesMaterials: talking piece, script or note cards with Circle prompts written on them

Facilitator: The Circle is now open. The topic of our dialogue circle today is “Coping with Awful Situations.”

Round 1

Facilitator: Our first round is short. We would like to have introductions. Please say your name and a toy you loved to play with when you were little. [Pass the talking piece to your right]

Round 2

Facilitator: Here is our second question: How do you define coping? Repeat: How do you define coping? [Hand talking piece to your left]

Round 3

Facilitator: Let’s focus on the word “awful.” How do you define awful? Repeat: How do you define awful? Who is ready to start? [Hand talking piece to the person who volunteers] When you are done talking you can choose to pass the talking piece left or right.

We heard a lot of definitions of coping and awful just now. We could say that “coping” is dealing with something successfully. [repeat] Coping is dealing with something successfully. And we could say “Awful” is something that is very bad, unpleasant or terrible.

Round 4

Facilitator: For this question I would like you to take a moment and reflect on a situation that you experienced as awful and how you coped with it. [Pause for a moment. Repeat]. This is the question: What was the situation and how did you cope? Who is ready to start? [Hand talking piece to the person who volunteers] When you are done talking you can choose to pass the talking piece left or right.

Round 5

Facilitator: For this round I have some more information to share with you. It explains what happens in our brains when something awful happens.

Every single one of us has a first reaction that we can’t control that comes from our primitive brain, the amygdala [uh--MIG-da-la]. This is sometimes called the lizard or reptilian brain. It’s very instinctual. The purpose of this part of our brain is to guarantee our survival in the face of a life-or-death threat. We have one of three instinctive responses: fight, flight (run away), or freeze (shut down and don’t react, like a rabbit trying to blend in with its surroundings).

Coping with Awful Situations Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

It happens without you thinking about it. Everyone, no matter their age, education, or experience, has this first primitive reaction: Fight, Flight or Freeze.

Of course, we have different responses in different situations, but we have one response we tend to use more than the others. What response do you usually have when something awful happens: fight, flight or freeze? [pass talking stick to right]

Information Sharing

Facilitator: We know we have an instinctive reaction to conflict. But the good news is that there is a second reaction that we are in charge of. We can draw upon our frontal lobes, located in our foreheads. Our frontal lobes are where our reason and thoughtfulness come from. Frontal lobes do not act instinctively. They provide choices on what to do next.

There is actually research that says that when our amygdala (uh-MIG-da-la) gets triggered for fight, flight or freeze, we have 90 seconds to change our minds about how to respond – how to cope in a way that does not harm us or another person.

[Hold up the 90 Second sheet (found before journal page) and place it on the floor in the middle of the Circle. Pause briefly.]

[Pause and let the Circle look at the sheet and gather their thoughts.]

Round 6

Facilitator: All of you have done this successfully in the past. Your amygdala [uh-MIG-da-la] has been triggered by something awful and you have taken control of your fight-flight-freeze reaction. How did you manage to do that?

I’ll demonstrate one successful coping strategy: [take a very deep and exaggerated breath. Do it again if you need to make the point]

Taking a deep breath is one way to cope with an awful situation without being blown away by it. There are other ways as well. Only you know what works for you.

Now here is our next question: In that first 90 seconds after your first primitive reaction, what is your personal strategy – what do you think or do that helps you stay calm when an awful situation happens?

[Repeat question.]

I’ll give you a minute to think about this. Who is ready to start? [Hand talking piece to the person who volunteers]

When you are done talking you can choose left or right to pass the talking piece.

Closing Round

Facilitator: Thank you for sharing your experiences with the group, and for listening in a way that encourages people to speak. To bring our time to a close, let’s do a brief closing round.

What is one word that describes your experience in the Circle this past hour? [Do not give the talking piece to a volunteer. Instead, hand the talking piece to the left.]

Coping with Awful SituationsCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

Thank you for participating. It is your wisdom that makes a Circle what it is – a special time to reflect, share wisdom, gain insight, and appreciate our shared humanity.


E. Optional Journal Entry Pages: 5 minutesMaterials: blank journal pages for that day’s topic













Reflections: What do you think “coping with awful situations” means?

Coping with Awful Situations Fill out front and back and use more paper as needed.

Name: _____________________________________________________________

Date of Circle: This is my first Circle I have attended a Circle before


Observations: What do you notice about the ways you or others are coping , or not coping, when an awful situation occurs?

Continued on back


Observations: Describe an awful situation which coping skills were needed. What coping skills were used?

How much did you know about coping with awful situations BEFORE the Connection Circles discussion? Mark one box:

How much do you feel like you know about coping with awful situations AFTER the Connection Circles discussion? Mark one box:1

I don’t know any‐thing about it

2

I know a li�le about it

3

I know quite a bit about it

4

I know a large amount about it

1

I didn’t know any‐thing about it

2

I knew a li�le about it

3

I knew quite a bit about it

4

I knew a large amount about it

Active Listening Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

ACTIVE LISTENING



� Review activity instructions and circle script with co-facilitator





C. Circle Agreements: 5 min

If necessary, the facilitators should introduce themselves very briefly.

Facilitator: I am going to be your neutral facilitator this week and [Co-Facilitator] is going to join the Circle. As a neutral facilitator, I will be asking questions for you to discuss, but I will not be answering the questions or commenting on people’s answers. My job is make the Circle a safe and respectful place where everybody’s voice can be heard and considered.

First let’s review the circle agreements. Use the agreements sheets to review the agreements.

Agreements



Active ListeningCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

D. Circle conversation: 25 minutesMaterials: Talking piece

Facilitator: The Circle is now open. Our topic today is “Active Listening.”

Have you ever heard of Active Listening before? Are you a good listener?

Here’s some information about Active Listening:

● Active listening is a way of listening and responding to another person that shows you understand. The listener doesn’t tell their own story or give advice or try to fix the problem. The listener simply stays focused on the speaker’s story.

● The listener says back the speaker’s main thoughts and feelings, to show they understand.

● The listener does not have to agree with the speaker — he or she must simply understand them.

● Active listening also means listening for the feelings and needs that may have. You may need to guess their feelings if they don’t say them directly.

● Active listening improves communication because:

ᴑ We hear what is really being said

ᴑ We avoid misunderstandings

ᴑ People feel respected

ᴑ People are more willing to listen when they have been listened to

As part of our Circle today, we’re going to do a very simple exercise in Active Listening.

Round 1

Facilitator: Our first round is short. Let’s put our names into the Circle. Please say your name and one of your favorite desserts. [Pass the talking piece to your right]

Round2

Facilitator: The second question is to remember a time when the opposite of active listening happened and you were not listened to. I’ll give you a second to think about this. [Pause 15 seconds.]

When was a time that you were not listened to? Tell us a bit about the situation. Who was it, and how did you know they weren’t listening? [Pass talking piece to the left.]


Round 3

Facilitator: Thank you everyone. Now here is our third question: Remember a time when someone did listen to you or you saw someone do a good job of listening. I’ll give you a second to think about this. [Wait 15 seconds.]

When was a time that you saw active listening in action? Tell us a bit about the situation. Who was it, and how could you tell they were listening? Who is ready to start? [Hand talking piece to the person who volunteers] When you are done talking you can choose left or right to pass the talking piece.

Round 4

Facilitator: Now we’re going to practice Active Listening for a few minutes. This is a really simple exercise.

I will demonstrate, but I need a volunteer willing to tell me in a couple of sentences how your day went for you. Would someone volunteer?

[Wait for a volunteer. If no one comes forward, ask the co-facilitator or site staff.]

Thanks! Okay, tell me how your day went.

[NOTE: You can change the topic, e.g., a pet peeve, or the plot of a movie, or a favorite class, or something that grosses you out, etc. Choose a topic that’s easy to answer.]

[Focus on the speaker with your body language. When they are done, restate what you heard them say. Then ask:]

Did I get that right?

[Wait for confirmation or correction]

That was a demonstration of a really basic form of Active Listening.

1. I focused totally on the speaker

2. I restated back what I heard them say

3. I checked to see if I got it right

This is what we’re going to practice now. Each person will be a speaker and a listener.


Facilitator (con’t.): When you are the speaker, you will tell a short story about how your day went [or another topic].

When you are the listener, you will actively listen without saying anything, then restate what you heard, and then check to see if you got it right.

We’re going to take turns going around the Circle.

[Facilitator turns to person on the right] Please turn to [NAME], the person on your right, and tell them how your day went [or another topic]. Then [NAME] will restate you and check to see if they got it right.

Next [NAME] will turn to the person to their right, and now they will be the speaker and that person will be the listener, and so on around the Circle.

[The facilitator should not tell a story. The last person to listen should tell their story to the first person to tell their story, and that person will restate them]

[Sometimes the listener will want to give advice or tell their own story. Politely remind them their job is to listen only]

Round 5

Facilitator: Let’s do a reflection round: How would your world be different if you were listened to in this way, and if you listened to others in this way?

Who is ready to start? [Hand talking piece to the person who volunteers] When you are done talking you can choose left or right to pass the talking piece.

Closing Round:

Facilitator: To bring our time to a close, let’s have our final brief closing round. What is one word that describes your experience in the Circle today? [hand the talking piece to left]

Thank you for participating. The Circle is now closed.







Optional: Your site may decide to give incentives (e.g., candy, gift cards, etc. ) for completed journal pages. Note: To preserve neutrality, facilitators should not judge whether a journal entry qualifies for an incentive, and should not distribute incentives.








Reflections: In your opinion, what is “active listening”?

Active Listening Fill out front and back and use more paper as needed.

Name: _____________________________________________________________



Observations: What do you notice about the ways you or others listen — or don’t listen — to other people?

Continued on back


Observations: Describe a situation you have seen in which active listening skills were needed. What happened?

How much did you know about active listening BEFORE the Connection Circles discussion? Mark one box:

How much do you feel like you know about active listening AFTER the Connection Circles discussion? Mark one box:

1


2


3


4


1


2


3


4


What is the Opposite of Prejudice? Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

WHAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF PREJUDICE?



� Review activity instructions and Circle script with co-facilitator

� Arrange seating into a Circle; ask for assistance if needed.

� Optional: Make copies of the Allophilia handout for participants to keep



B. Optional Activity: 10 minutes See Appendix


Return to sitting in the Circle. Facilitator & co-facilitator re-introduce themselves if needed.

Facilitator: I am going to be your neutral facilitator this week and [co-facilitator] is going to join the Circle as a participant. As a neutral facilitator, I will be posing questions for you to discuss, but I will not be answering the questions or commenting on people’s answers. Your thoughts and feelings are powerful in and of themselves.

Agreements


What is the Opposite of Prejudice?Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation


D. Circle conversation: 30 minutesMaterials: Talking piece, handout on Allophilia

Facilitator: The Circle is now open. Our topic is: “What is the opposite of prejudice?”

Introductions

Facilitator: Our first round is short. Let’s put our names into the Circle.

Please say your name and one food that you really hate. [Pass talking piece to the right]

Round 1

Facilitator: For our next round, please tell us how you define “prejudice.” What does it mean to you when you hear that someone is prejudiced?

[Pass the talking piece to your left. Be very encouraging as needed so they think about how they define it]

Thanks for your participation. We heard some different definitions of prejudice in that round. Here’s another possible definition:

Prejudice is a negative opinion toward someone different from you or from a different group that is not based on reason or actual experience.

Round 2

Facilitator: Have you experienced prejudice, either towards yourself or seeing it happen to someone else? For this next round, tell us about a time when you saw prejudice in action.

[Hand the talking piece to the person who volunteers] When you are done talking you can choose left or right to pass the talking piece.

Round 3

Facilitator: For this next round, think about the opposite of prejudice. In one or two words, tell us, in your opinion, what is the opposite of prejudice?

Who is ready to start? [Pass talking piece to the person who volunteers] When you are done talking you can choose left or right to pass the talking piece.


Information sharing

Facilitator: Thank you for your comments. Now I want to share with you some information about a concept called “Allophilia” (al-o-FEEL-ya).

[The facilitator may pass around the Allophilia handout and ask each participant to read a section, or the facilitator may read the entire piece out loud.]

Round 4

Facilitator: What initial thoughts or comments do you have about this concept of Allophilia – actively creating a positive relationship instead of just not hating people? [Pass talking piece to the right]

Round 5

Facilitator: What makes it hard to practice Allophilia – liking or loving people of different groups from you? [Pass talking piece to the left]

Round 6

Facilitator: Do you think this idea of Allophilia is important, either in your own life or in the world in general? Why or why not?

Who would like to start? [Pass talking piece to the person who volunteers] When you’re done, you can choose to pass left or right.

Round 7 – optional depending on time

Facilitator: Do you think you might use Allophilia in the future? How? [Pass talking piece to a volunteer]

Closing Round

Facilitator: To bring our time to a close, let’s do one final brief round. What is one word that describes your experience in the Circle this past hour? [Pass the talking piece to left]




ALLOPHILIA Information to Share

What is the opposite of prejudice? Dr. Todd Pittinsky, a Harvard University researcher, found that the most frequent reply to this question is “tolerance.”

But tolerance is NOT the opposite of prejudice, says Dr. Pittinsky. Nor are “acceptance” or “respect.” Dr. Pittinsky finally had to make up his own term to describe the concept of having a positive attitude about a group that is not one’s own.

Allophilia – [pronounced “Allo-FEEL-ee-uh”] comes from Greek words meaning “liking or loving the other.” This positive feeling is much more than just the absence of negative feelings.

When leaders bring together people from diverse groups and ask them to work together, they often try to reduce prejudices that may exist between the groups, and increase tolerance.

But to bring about the opposite of prejudice, leaders need to go beyond reducing negativity. They need to actively create positive attitudes and interactions.

Dr. Pittinsky used the example of a garden to illustrate this concept: To grow a beautiful garden, you must pull weeds regularly. But suppose you spent all your time weeding and never planted any flowers? An empty patch of dirt is not a garden. There is no garden until the gardener sows the seeds and helps them grow.

In the same way, we must pull the weeds of prejudice, hatred, and resentment from our groups. But we must also take the time to sow positive actions and relationships, so that kindness and supportiveness can spring to life.


Reflections: In you opinion, what is the opposite of acting in a prejudiced way?

The Opposite of Prejudice Fill out front and back and use more paper as needed.

Name: _____________________________________________________________



Observations: What do you notice about how you and others feel about, and treat, people who are very different from you?

Continued on back


Observations: Describe a situation in your life in which it might be helpful to have “allophilia,” (a proactively positive and wellcoming attitude) toward people who are different from you, or in a different group .

How much did you know about “allophilia” BEFORE the Connection Circles discussion? Mark one box:

How much do you feel like you know about “allophilia” AFTER the Connection Circles discussion? Mark one box:

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Empathy Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

EMPATHY








C. Circle Agreements: 5 minutesMaterials: Agreement sheets

1. Return to sitting in the circle. If needed, facilitator and co-facilitator should re-introduce themselves very briefly.

Facilitator: I am going to be your neutral facilitator this week and [co-facilitator] is going to join the Circle as a participant. As a neutral facilitator, I will be posing questions for you to discuss, but I will not be answering the questions or commenting on people’s answers. Your thoughts and feelings are powerful in and of themselves. First let’s review the Circle agreements..


Agreements


Facilitator: Does everyone agree to follow these agreements? OK, let’s get to our conversation!

EmpathyCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

D. Circle Conversation: 30 minutes

Facilitator: The Circle is now open. Our topic today is “Empathy.”

Introduction

Facilitator: Our first round is short. Please say your name and one of your favorite fictional characters from a book, movie, TV show, comic book or whatever. It could be from when you were young, or from right now. What fictional character do you like, and why?

[Pass the talking piece to your right]

Round 1

Facilitator: Today we are going to talk about Empathy. Empathy is the ability to recognize others as human beings with feelings just like ours. Empathy is a quality that underlies love, caring and compassion.

Everyone has heard the phrase, “Don’t criticize a person until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” This phrase speaks about empathy — but what does it mean, to not criticize a person until you have walked in their shoes? Who is ready to start?

[Pass talking piece to your left]

Round 2

Facilitator: People often have a hard time showing empathy when they are fighting with each other. Here is our next question: What actions actually demonstrate empathy? What do people do and say when they are being empathetic (em-pa-THET-ik)?

Who is ready to start? [Hand talking piece to the person who volunteers]


Round 3

Facilitator: Here is our next question: Let’s think about empathy from a different perspective. What is the opposite of empathy? Think of a time when you saw another person — or maybe yourself — acting without empathy. What did they do, or NOT do? Who is ready to start?

[Pass talking piece to the person who volunteers]

Round 4

Facilitator For our next question: Tell us about a time when you showed empathy to another person by trying to understand how that person felt or why they acted as they did.

Or, tell about a time that someone showed empathy toward you. It might even be a time that you showed empathy toward an animal. Tell us how empathy was used in that situation, and how you felt about it.

[Pass the talking piece to the person who volunteers]

Empathy Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

Round 5

Facilitator: Based on our conversation today, what is one act of empathy you would like to commit to doing, starting now? Who is ready to start?

[Hand talking piece to the person who volunteers]


Closing Round

Facilitator: To bring our time to a close, we have one final brief round. What is one word that describes your experience in the Circle this past hour? [hand talking piece to left]

Thank you for participating. It is your wisdom that makes a Circle what it is — a special time to reflect, share wisdom, gain insight, and appreciate our shared humanity.









EmpathyCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation







Reflections: How would you explain to a child what “empathy” is?

Empathy Fill out front and back and use more paper as needed.

Name: _____________________________________________________________



Observations: What do you notice about the ways you or others show, or don’t show, empathy?

Continued on back


Observations: Describe a situation in which people needed to have empathy for each other. What happened?

How much did you know about empathy BEFORE the Connection Circles discussion? Mark one box:

How much do you feel like you know about empathy AFTER the Connection Circles discussion? Mark one box:

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How to Identify Feelings and Needs Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

HOW TO IDENTIFY FEELINGS AND NEEDS




� Arrange seating in a circle. Ask for assistance if needed.

� Ensure you have a deck for the Red Card / Green Card game. Materials can be found in the Appendix.






Facilitator: I am going to be your neutral facilitator this week and [co-facilitator] is going to join the Circle as a participant. As a neutral facilitator, I will be asking questions for you to discuss, but I will not be answering the questions or commenting on people’s answers. Your thoughts and feelings are powerful in and of themselves and don’t need me to validate them. Before we begin, let’s review the Circle agreements.


Agreements




D. Circle Conversation: 35 minutes [Plan to spend about 15-20 minutes in the red card/green card activity]

Facilitator: The Circle is now open. Our topic is ”How to Identify Feelings and Needs.”

Most of us seem to be able to figure out how we’re feeling when something happens – I’m mad, or sad, or glad, or confused, or embarrassed …. [add your own]

But when it comes to needs, we have a harder time knowing what our real needs are sometimes.

When you know what you need, it is easier to figure out how to solve the problem.

Often times we think we know what we need, but we haven’t really identified our true underlying need. For example, have you ever heard somebody say, “I need you to stay away from me”? That sounds like a need, but it’s a surface need. What is the real underlying need? There can be many answers, depending on the situation.

The need might be for Consideration – I need space.

It might be for Appreciation – I need to be recognized for my worth.

It might be for Safety – I need to feel comfortable in my surroundings.

Putting these two concepts together, feelings and needs, is EXTREMELY helpful in understanding the perspective of other people, and also understanding yourself and why you feel the way you do. When there is a conflict, identifying and needs helps people move away from conflict and toward achieving the things they need.

Introduction

Facilitator: OK, let’s get to the discussion. Our first round is short – introductions. Please go around and tell us your name and then 2 more things: a word that describes the way you feel when you first get up in the morning, and also what you need when you first get up. [Pass the talking piece to your right]

Round 1

Facilitator: Here’s our next question: How do you define feelings? How do you define needs? There are no right or wrong answers. [Pass the talking piece to your left.]

Round 2

Facilitator: We’re doing to do something different this round. We’re going to do an exercise called Red Card/Green Card. Everyone join me at the table.

[If there are more than 5-6 participants in the circle, not counting staff/facilitators, have the entire group count off by two’s and conduct two simultaneous groups. The co-facilitator leads one group]


Red/Green Card Exercise

Facilitator: We are going to do an exercise using these red and green cards. Red cards are negative or uncomfortable feelings. Green cards are underlying needs we all have.

In a minute, [CO FACILITATOR or STAFF] is going to share a short story of a time they faced an uncomfortable situation. Everyone is going to listen to the story and then choose one red card for a feeling they heard or sensed, and then chose a green card for the underlying need that feeling points to.

After the speaker is done, everyone shares the red card they chose and the green card they chose. The storyteller will tell them if they got it right. If they didn’t get it right, the storyteller says what the feeling is.

[Repeat with new storyteller. Do as many stories as you have time to do. All students need a turn]

[If there isn’t time for every student’s story, consider expanding the time, or warn youth in advance and say the cards will be available at future Circles, so they can use them again]

[After 15-20 minutes] I’m afraid that’s all we have time for. Let’s head back to the Circle.

Round 3

Facilitator: Thank you for sharing your stories. What are your thoughts after doing that exercise? [Pass talking piece to whoever wants it] You can choose to pass right or left when you’re done.

Closing Round

Facilitator: For our closing round, what is one word that describes your experience in the Circle this past hour? [Pass the talking piece to left]




Reflections: What do you think is the difference between feelings and needs?

Feelings and Needs Fill out front and back and use more paper as needed.

Name: _____________________________________________________________



Observations: What do you notice about the ways you or others express — or don’t express — feelings and needs?

Continued on back


Observations: Describe a conflict in which you think people had feelings or needs that they weren’t talking about. What do you guess those feelings and needs were?

How much did you know about feelings and needs BEFORE the Connection Circles discussion? Mark one box:

How much do you feel like you know about feelings and needs AFTER the Connection Circles discussion? Mark one box:

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How to Handle Anger Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

HOW TO HANDLE ANGER











First let’s review the Circle agreements.


Agreements


How to Handle AngerCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

Facilitator: Does everyone here agree to follow these agreements? OK, let’s get to our conversation.

D. Circle conversation: 30 minutes

Facilitator: The Circle is now open. Our topic is ”How to Handle Anger.”

Introductions

Facilitator: Our first round is short. Please say your name and one thing that makes you angry. It could be a big thing or a little thing. [Pass the talking piece to your right]

Round 1

Facilitator: How do you define anger? There are no right or wrong answers, but try to define the word “anger” without saying the words “angry” or “mad.” What is anger? [Hand talking piece to your left]

Information sharing

Facilitator: We just heard several definitions of anger. Let me give you a few more definitions.

Anger is “an acute emotional reaction elicited by different kinds of stimulating situations, such as threat, overt aggression, restraint, verbal attack, disappointment, or frustration.”

Anger is a normal human emotion. Let me say that again: Anger is normal. Anger has three reactions in your body:

● Physical symptoms such as increased heart rate, tension in your muscles, and adrenaline flow.

● Cognitive experiences such as distorted negative thinking and negative interpretations of other people’s behavior.

● Extreme behaviors such as yelling, screaming, kicking, and hurting yourself or others. Depression can also be a way anger is expressed in the body.

Round 2

Facilitator: We just heard that anger is a normal emotion. When do you think anger is healthy? [Hand talking piece to the person who volunteers]


How to Handle Anger Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

Round 3

Facilitator: When do you think anger becomes unhealthy or harmful? Who is ready to start? [Hand talking piece to the person who volunteers]

Round 4

Facilitator: Think about a time you were really angry, but you were able to calm yourself down so your anger wasn’t harmful to yourself or others. Tell us what happened and how you handled it, and how it turned out. Who is ready to start? [Hand talking piece to the person who volunteers]

Round 5

Facilitator: Based on our conversation, what are some strategies that you could use to help OTHER people calm down so their anger doesn’t become harmful? Who is ready to start? [Hand talking piece to volunteer]

Closing Round

Facilitator: To bring our time to a close, let’s do one final brief round. What is one word that describes your experience in the Circle today? [hand talking piece to left]









How to Handle AngerCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation








Reflections: What do you think it means to “deal with anger”?

Dealing with Anger Fill out front and back and use more paper as needed.

Name: _____________________________________________________________



Observations: What do you notice about the ways you or others handle anger? What different styles do youobserve?

Continued on back


Observations: Describe a situation in which you think people needed to deal with their anger. What did people do and say? Did people manage their anger, or did their anger manage them? How could you tell?

How much did you know about dealing with anger BEFORE the Connection Circles discussion? Mark one box:

How much do you feel like you know about dealing with anger AFTER the Connection Circles discussion? Mark one box:

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Grudges and Forgiveness Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

GRUDGES AND FORGIVENESS









1. If needed, facilitator and co-facilitator should re-introduce themselves very briefly.



Agreements



Grudges and ForgivenessCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation


Facilitator: The Circle is now open. Our topic is: “Grudges and Forgiveness.”

Introductions

Facilitator: Our first round is short. Say your name and one small annoying habit you have for which you need forgiveness.

I’ll give an example: ‘My name is <NAME> and I need forgiveness for [something small, e.g., leaving my stuff around, not returning library books, leaving the cap off the toothpaste, forgetting to use my turn signal, etc.]

[Pass the talking piece to the left]

Round 1

Facilitator: Today we’re talking about grudges and forgiveness. The dictionary says a grudge is: “A long lasting feeling of ill will or resentment.”

You might hold a grudge against somebody who hurt you, or maybe someone has a grudge against you for something you did in the past.

The first question is: What kinds of things do people hold grudges about? What are some grudges that you know about? [Pass the talking piece to the right]

Round 2

Facilitator: Thank you for your responses. Grudges can be very powerful. Research has shown that holding a grudge over a long time can damage your heart and raise your blood pressure. You have to wonder why people hold grudges when they are so damaging to our physical and mental health.

For our next round, the question is: Why do we hold a grudge when it causes us pain? What keeps us hanging on to negative feelings for a long time? [Repeat.]

Who would like to go first? You can choose right or left to pass the talking piece.

Round 3

Facilitator: Now let’s look at another way to respond to someone who has hurt us: forgiveness. What does it mean to forgive someone? Let me repeat the question: What is forgiveness? Who would like to start? You can choose to pass the talking piece right or left.

Round 4

Facilitator: Thank you for your responses. There are many ways to think about forgiveness. Basically, “forgiving” means accepting things that can’t be changed, letting go of blame and shame, and moving forward with your life in a positive way.

Grudges and Forgiveness Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

Sometimes we feel afraid that if we forgive, it means we’re OK with what the other person did, or that we’re denying the pain that was caused. But forgiving a person does not mean you allow them to continue to hurt you or ignore things that need to be changed. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that things have to go back to the way they were. Forgiveness can be the start of a completely different relationship with someone else, or with ourselves.

Round 5

Facilitator: Close your eyes for a moment and remember a time that you experienced forgiveness. It could be you or someone very close to you. Maybe you forgave…or maybe you were forgiven…It could even be that you forgave yourself.

Open up your memories to a time when you experienced forgiveness. Maybe you were very young. Maybe it was last week.

Remember how you felt before forgiveness. What were your feelings and needs at that time?

Now remember how you felt after forgiveness. Remember how you knew that forgiveness had happened. What were your feelings and needs after forgiveness? [Pause about 15 seconds for people to think]

Please tell us about your experience with forgiveness. Tell us what happened, and how you felt about it. [Pass the talking piece to the left]

Round 6

Facilitator: Thank you for sharing your stories. For this next round, keep in mind all the stories we just heard and tell us: What stands out to you about forgiveness from these stories? [Repeat] [Pass talking piece to the right]

Optional Questions if you have time:

Have you ever had a grudge against yourself for something you did?

Sometimes people find it harder to forgive themselves than to forgive other people. Why do you think that is?

What are the effects of forgiveness?

Closing round

Facilitator: Thanks for your participation. Did you know that research has found that simply thinking and talking about forgiveness can help us feel better and kinder toward others? Forgiveness is a powerful force!

For our final round, please say one word that describes how you are feeling now. [Pass the talking piece to the left]

Thank you for your thoughtful participation today.


Grudges and ForgivenessCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation














Reflections: How would you explain to a child what it means to forgive someone who hurt them?

Grudges and Forgiveness Fill out front and back and use more paper as needed.

Name: _____________________________________________________________



Observations: What do you notice about how you and others hold grudges?

Continued on back


Observations: Describe a situation in your life in which you held a grudge but ultimately forgave the person..What made it hard to forgive, and what helped you let go of your grudge?

How much did you know about forgiveness BEFORE the Connection Circles discussion? Mark one box:

How much do you feel like you know about forgiveness AFTER the Connection Circles discussion? Mark one box:

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Tolerance Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

TOLERANCE











First let’s review the Circle agreements.

Agreements



ToleranceCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation


Facilitator: The Circle is now open. Our topic today is “Tolerance.”

Introduction

Facilitator: Our first round is short. Please put your name into the Circle and tell us what kind of toppings you like on your pizza. If you don’t like pizza, what do you like instead? [Pass the talking piece to your right]

Round 1

Facilitator: Here is our first discussion question: How do you define tolerance? There are no right or wrong answers.

[Pass the talking piece to your left.]

Thanks for your responses. Here’s an additional definition of tolerance:

Tolerance is a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, beliefs, practices, racial or ethnic origins, or gender identity, differ from one’s own. People might say something like, “In the United States, we show tolerance toward all religious beliefs.”

Round 2

Facilitator: Let’s think for a minute about the opposite of tolerance — intolerance. What are some situations you are aware of where people show intolerance toward each other? Some may be occurring on a global scale and some could be completely personal. How many situations can we name as we go around?

Who would like to start? [Pass the talking piece to whomever volunteers] When you are done, you can choose to pass the talking piece to the right or left.

[Optional: If not mentioned by the group add this question.] It is also possible to feel intolerant toward yourself. Do you or someone you know ever do that? What does that look like? [Pass the talking piece to volunteer]

Round 3

Facilitator: Obviously there is a lot of intolerance in the world. What is the effect of intolerance on the people who have it directed toward them? AND what is the effect of intolerance on the people expressing it toward others? In other words, how does intolerance affect people?

Who would like to start? [Pass the talking piece to volunteer]

Tolerance Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

Round 4

Facilitator: Imagine a world – or simply imagine a school – in which people showed greater tolerance toward those who are different, or who belong to different groups. How exactly would people behave? What would they do or say?

Who would like to start? [Pass the talking piece to volunteer]

Round 5

Facilitator: It’s true for most of us that we don’t always act as tolerant as we can. What gets in the way for us to show more tolerance to ourselves and others?

Who is ready to start? [Pass the talking piece to volunteer]

Round 6

Facilitator: We’ve talked about tolerance and intolerance today. What ideas and concepts stand out to you from this discussion? [Pass the talking piece to the left]

Round 7 – optional if there is time

Facilitator: What is one thing you might do differently as a result of this discussion? [Pass the talking piece to volunteer]

Closing Round

Facilitator: To bring our time to a close, let’s do our final brief round: What is one word that describes your experience in the Circle this past hour? [Pass the talking piece to right.]



ToleranceCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation














Reflections: What does it mean to you to “show tolerance” ?

Tolerance Fill out front and back and use more paper as needed.

Name: _____________________________________________________________



Observations: What do you notice about the ways you or others show, or don’t show, tolerance?

Continued on back


Observations: Describe a situation in which a lack of tolerance was part of the problem. What happened?

How much did you know about tolerance BEFORE the Connection Circles discussion? Mark one box:

How much do you feel like you know about tolerance AFTER the Connection Circles discussion? Mark one box:

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Respect Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

RESPECT









Return to sitting in the circle. If needed, facilitator and co-facilitator should re-introduce themselves.

Facilitator: I am going to be your neutral facilitator this week and [co-facilitator] is going to join the Circle as a participant. As a neutral facilitator, I will be posing questions for you to discuss, but I will not be answering the questions or commenting on people’s answers. Your thoughts and feelings are powerful in and of themselves. First let’s review the Circle agreements.

Use the agreements sheets to review the agreements.

Agreements



RespectCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation


Facilitator: The Circle is now open. Our topic is: “Respect.”

Introductions

Facilitator: Our first round is short. We would like to have introductions. Please say your name and tell us one thing about your name. For example, were you named after someone? Does your name have a meaning? Do you have a nickname? Is it spelled in a unique way? [Pass the talking piece to your right]

Round 1

Facilitator: Respect is something that everybody wants, but not everybody feels that they get. How do you define respect? There are no right or wrong answers. [Pass the talking piece to your left]

Thank you for those definitions. Another way to define respect is: Knowing and acting on the foundational belief that I matter, and You matter. This means that each person is equally a unique contributor to the greater whole.

Round 2

Facilitator: Let’s think for a minute about the opposite of respect — disrespect.

Disrespect — or thinking someone is disrespecting you, whether or not they mean to — can cause a lot of conflicts.

Have you ever been disrespected? What did the other person do or say that felt disrespectful? Who is ready to start?

[Hand the talking piece to the person who volunteers] When you are done talking you can choose to pass the talking piece left or right.

Round 3

Facilitator: Respect is important to our sense of self worth. Who are the people in your life who act respectfully toward you? How do they behave that is respectful?

Who is ready to start? [Pass talking piece to the person who volunteers] When you are done talking you can choose to pass the talking piece left or right.

Round 4

Facilitator: Here’s an important question: How do you show respect to yourself?


Respect Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

Round 5

Facilitator: What gets in the way of you showing more respect to yourself and others? What stops you from being respectful?


Round 6

Facilitator: Think about this one for a second: What is one thing you can do to show more respect to yourself or others?


Closing Round

Facilitator: To bring our time to a close, I have one final brief round, what is one word that describes your experience in the Circle today? [Pass the talking piece to left]










RespectCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

After the Circle Session: 15-30 minutes � Clean up the area as needed, including replacing furniture. Put away Circle materials (snacks, pencils,

talking piece, etc.). Note whether you need anything for the next Circle (e.g., additional copies of Journal Pages, Facilitator Logs, pencils, snacks, etc.).





Reflections: What does respect mean to you?

Respect Fill out front and back and use more paper as needed.

Name: _____________________________________________________________



Observations: What do you notice about the ways you or others show, or don’t show, respect?

Continued on back


Observations: Describe a situation in which a lack of respect was part of the problem. What happened?

How much did you know about respect BEFORE the Connection Circles discussion? Mark one box:

How much do you feel like you know about respect AFTER the Connection Circles discussion? Mark one box:

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Telling My Truth Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

TELLING MY TRUTH





� Note that the activity (Section B) is not optional in this script.

� Make a copy (or copies) of the cat-on-the-stairs picture.

� Set up a deck of Red/Green cards. Materials located in Appendix



B. Opening Activity: 5 minutes Note: this activity is not optional

The Cat and the StairsMaterials: Picture of the cat and stairs (optional: make a copy for each participant)

Facilitator: [Hand out a cat-stairs picture to each participant, or pass around one picture for all to see.]

Look at this picture and answer silently in your head: What do I see happening in this picture?

[Wait a few seconds] What is happening in this picture?

[Allow each person to answer. Then help people see the illusion that the cat could be going up or down.]

Why do you think you FIRST saw the cat going up, or going down, before you saw it the other way? Do you think there’s a “right” answer?


1. If needed, facilitator and co-facilitator should re-introduce themselves very briefly.


Telling My TruthCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation


Agreements

1. Participate in the Circle as a listener and a speaker. 2. Stay in Circle until the end.3. One person speaks at a time using the talking piece4. Show respect for all.5. It’s OK to pass.6. This is a no-phone zone.7. What is said in the Circle stays in the Circle.

Facilitator: Does everyone agree to these agreements?


Facilitator: The Circle is now open. Our topic is “Telling My Truth.”

Introductions

Facilitator: Let’s do quick introductions, and a check in. Please tell us your name, and how your day has been so far, on a scale of 1 to 10. 10 is “the best day of my life” and 1 is “the worst day of my life.”

[Pass the talking piece to the left]

Round 1

Facilitator: Today we’re going to be talking about Telling My Truth. Our first question is kind of challenging: Can you define the word “truth” without using the words “truth” or “lie”? [Repeat]

There is no right or wrong answer. All answers are good. [Pass the talking piece to the right]

Round 2

Facilitator: There are universal truths that everybody agrees upon, and there are personal truths, that are true for individuals. An example of a universal truth is “fire is hot,” or “the Earth is round” or “people need air to live.” These are universally accepted as true.

An example of a personal truth might be “math is boring,” or “sushi is tasty,” or “fighting is fun.” Not everyone may agree with these personal truths, but they are true for the individual.

Think about something that is true for you, but not necessarily true for everybody. [Pause.] What is an example of a personal truth for you? [Pass the talking piece to the right]


Round 3

Facilitator: In a conflict, people often have different personal truths about the same situation. For example, imagine a parent and child arguing over the child’s homework. The child’s truth might be “You are interfering with my life,” and the parent’s truth might be “I am trying to help you.” Both people are telling the truth – from their own perspectives.

For the next round, think about a time when people were arguing and each person was right from their own perspective. It could be your conflict, or it could be one you’ve seen. What were the different personal truths of each person? [Pause. Repeat.]

Who would like to start? When you’re done, you may choose to pass right or left. [Hand talking piece to volunteer]

Information Sharing

Facilitator: There is a way that we can tell our truth and increase our chances of being heard by the other person.

Remember the cat-on-the-stairs picture we saw earlier? Different people can see the same thing completely differently — and both can be right.

People can disagree about “facts.” But our emotions and the normal human needs we have inside are personal truths that no one can dispute.

To really tell our truth, we need to tell our feelings and needs.

Studies have shown that when people in conflict are honest about how they feel and what they want, they tend to be happier with the outcome and their relationships are improved.

How we tell our truth matters. We need to be clear how we feel and what we need. This means we have to take time to figure that out for ourselves.

Let’s practice telling our truth.

Practice Red/Green Card 15 minutes

Facilitator: [Ask the group to walk over and stand by the table with the red and green cards]

In this exercise, each person will get a chance to share a story about a conflict they had with someone else. But they will share their story in a different way than usual.

Each speaker will start by silently choosing some red cards and some green cards that represent the feelings and needs that they had in their situation.

Next, the speaker will tell their story by holding up their cards one by one, and explaining why they had those feelings and needs in that situation.

Once each speaker is done, the cards will be put back, and another speaker will go.


To repeat:

1. Think about a time when you had a conflict with another person. It could be recent, or a long time ago.

2. Think about how you felt in that situation, and what you needed to happen instead.

3. When it’s your turn to be the speaker, pick some red cards that represent how you felt, and some green cards that represent what you needed.

4. Tell your story in a different way than usual by holding up each card and explaining why you had those feelings, and why you had those needs.

Any questions?

[Begin the exercise. If time allows, participants may ask questions of the speaker, but must wait until the speaker is completely done. When appropriate, encourage speakers to pick additional red/green cards to answer questions. If there isn’t time for questions, invite participants to talk together after the Circle.]

Closing

Facilitator: What stands out to you about the discussion we had today about telling our truth? [Pass talking piece to the left.]

Thank you for your thoughtful participation today.









Reflections: To tell our truth, first we have to recognize it ourselves. Think about a difficult situation or relationship in your life. Besides “mad,” what are some feelings that you have about it? What important human need is not being met for you?

Telling My Truth Please fill out front and back



Observations: What do you notice about the way people in your life express, or don’t express, the truth of their emotions and needs?

Continued on back


Observations: In your life, what is one situation where it might help to know more about the truth of whatpeople are feeling and need?

How much did you know about telling your truth BEFORE the Connection Circle? Mark one box:

How much do you know about telling your truth AFTER the Connection Circle? Mark one box:

1

I don’t know any‐thing about them

2

I know a li�le about ithem

3


4


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I didn’t know any‐thing about them

2

I knew a li�le about them

3


4


Blame and the Fundamental Error of Attribution Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

BLAME AND THE FUNDAMENTAL ERROR

OF ATTRIBUTION





� Bring a timer or watch, and a bell or phone with alarm

A. Snack and Journal Activity: 10 minutes � As youth arrive, offer them a snack.







Agreements

1. Participate in the Circle as a listener and a speaker. 2. Stay in Circle until the end.3. One person speaks at a time using the Talking piece.4. Show respect for all.5. It’s OK to pass.6. This is a no-phone zone.7. What is said in the Circle stays in the Circle.


Blame and the Fundamental Error of AttributionCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation


Facilitator: Welcome and thank you for joining our Circle today. The Circle is now open.

Introductions

Facilitator: Our first round is short. Please say your name and tell us one good thing and one bad thing that happened to you today. This can be big or small. Again, please say your name into the Circle and say one good thing and one not-so-good thing that happened to you today.

[Pass the talking piece to your right]

Today’s topic is Blame, and something called the “Fundamental Error of Attribution.”

Information Sharing

A “fundamental error” is a basic mistake that’s made at the very beginning of something.

In conflict and communication, the basic mistake is often about “attribution” — in other words, blame.

When a conflict starts, we often make a basic mistake — or fundamental error — of blaming the other person for being “bad” in some way, instead of blaming outside circumstances.

The word “fundamental” means this error is at the bottom of a lot of conflicts.

Close your eyes and imagine this simple scenario. [Pause] Imagine you are at a crosswalk on a busy street. You get the “Walk” signal. You’re about to step off the curb to cross the street when a car suddenly turns right in front of you. You’re almost hit. As you jump back, the driver waves wildly and yells something, then zooms away. [Pause]

Round 1

Facilitator: Now imagine how you’re feeling at that moment. Notice how your body feels. [Pause] Notice your thoughts and feelings. [Pause] Notice the mental picture you have of the driver. What gender is the driver in your mind? [Pause]

What age, race or ethnicity do you imagine the driver to be? [Pause] What kind of person do you imagine the driver to be? [Pause]

Now, open your eyes. For this round, please tell us what you might be thinking and feeling about the driver after this frightening experience. [Hand talking piece to your left]

Information sharing

Facilitator: The ‘Fundamental Error Attribution’ means that we tend to attribute — or “blame” — other people’s behaviors on their personality, rather than on external factors that could have caused them to act the way they did.

When people do things we don’t like, we blame them for being stupid, or mean, or uncaring, or selfish or another personality flaw. We don’t look for outside reasons that could have contributed to the way they acted.

Blame and the Fundamental Error of Attribution Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

This mistake causes conflicts to get bigger. It also gives us a reason to excuse our own bad behavior. We say, “He started it! I have to act this way because of how he acted.” For example, someone might stand at the crosswalk and scream curses and insults at the driver because “he deserves it.”

Round 2 – Paired Activity

Facilitator: To avoid the Fundamental Error of Attribution, we have to be open to the idea that there might be understandable reasons why other people act like they do. We’re going to do a quick brainstorm in pairs.

1. Turn to the person next to you. [if necessary, have one group of three people]

2. You have 90 seconds to see how many “good and possible” reasons you can imagine for why the driver acted this way. Try to come up with at least 3 “good and possible” reasons for why the driver almost have hit you as you tried to cross the street on the Walk signal.

3. You will need to remember all your answers, or you can write them down. Get a partner and I will tell you when to start.

Make sure everybody has a partner. Repeat the question and tell them to begin. Allow 90 seconds for the pairs to talk. When time is up, ring a bell or the alarm on your phone.

Round 3

Facilitator: Let’s go around the Circle and hear some of the reasons you considered. What are some “good and possible” reasons why the driver acted as he did? [Hand talking piece to the person who volunteers]

Round 4

Facilitator: Thanks for your responses. In this round, tell about a time when your actions — or the actions of someone you know — were misunderstood and other people blamed and judged without understanding the full story. [Pause, repeat] [Hand talking piece to the right]

Round 5

Facilitator: The next question is this: What prevents us from thinking of “good and possible” reasons when someone acts in a way we don’t like? [Pause, repeat] [Hand talking piece to the person who volunteers]

Round 6

Facilitator: How can you avoid making the Fundamental Error of Attribution when someone does something you don’t like? [Repeat.] Who would like to go? [Hand talking piece to volunteer]

Blame and the Fundamental Error of AttributionCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

Closing Round

Facilitator: To bring our time to a close, let’s do one final brief round. What is one word that describes your experience in the Circle today? [Hand talking piece to left]
















Reflections: Social scientists say people often make a "fundamental error" when someone does somethingthat they don't like. That error is to "make it personal" -- for example, assuming the other person is bad or stupid, or that they did it on purpose. What are your thoughts about this?

Blame and the Fundamental Error of Attribution Please fill out front and back



Observations: What do you notice about the way that people in your life blame others, and how they blamethemselves?

Continued on back


Observations: Do you tend to blame others, or "take the blame" onto yourself?

How much did you know about blame BEFORE the Connection Circle? Mark one box:

How much do you know about blame AFTER the Connection Circle? Mark one box:

1

I don’t know any-thing about them

2

I know a little about ithem

3


4


1

I didn’t know any-thing about them

2

I knew a little about them

3


4


Unfairness Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

UNFAIRNESS





A. Snack and Optional Journal Activity: 10 minutes

� As youth arrive, offer them a snack.







Agreements



UnfairnessCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation


Facilitator: Welcome and thank you for joining our Circle today. Our topic today is “Unfairness.” The Circle is now open.

Introductions

Facilitator: Our first round is short. We all know what it means when we hear somebody say, “That’s not safe!” It means there’s danger.

Today we’re going to talk about what it means when somebody says, “That’s not fair!”

Please say your name into the Circle and explain what it means to you when somebody says, “That’s not fair!” [Pause, repeat] [Pass the talking piece to the right]

Information Sharing

Thanks for all your answers. Fairness is hard to describe. We know it when we see it.

Recent scientific experiments suggest “fairness” is hard-wired into our systems. We often act fairly even when it goes against their own self-interest, such as when we give away some of what we have to a person who doesn’t have any.

When we see something that seems unfair, it causes an inner struggle between our reason and our emotions.

Researchers believe the brain’s strong response to unfairness shows that the desire for fairness is a basic human instinct, not simply a response to our modern culture.

Round 1

Facilitator: Most of us have been treated unfairly at least once. Some people may be treated unfairly a lot. And we know that there is a lot of unfairness in the world in general.

In this round, tell us about time when something unfair happened to you or to someone you know. Tell us why it was unfair. [Pause] Again, the question is: Tell about a time when something wasn’t fair, and why it wasn’t fair.

[Hand talking piece to the left]

Round 2

Facilitator: How do you feel and what do you do when something unfair happens to you personally? [Pause, repeat] Who would like to go first? [Pass to that person]

Unfairness Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

Round 3

Facilitator: In this next round, think about when something unfair happens to someone else. You’re being treated fairly, but you see someone else being treated unfairly. In that situation, how do you feel? What do you do? [Pause, repeat] Who would like to go first? [Pass to that person]

Round 4

Facilitator: If the scientists are right and human beings are “wired for fairness,” why is it that sometimes we act in an unfair way? [Pause] I’ll repeat the question: What are some of the reasons why we sometimes treat others in an unfair way? [Hand talking piece to the right]

Round 5

Facilitator: If you could make the world a little more fair, what kinds of things would you do? [Pause, repeat] Who would like to start? [Pass to that person]

Closing Round

Facilitator: To bring our time to a close, let’s do one final brief round. What is one word that describes your experience in the circle today? [Hand talking piece to the left]



UnfairnessCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation














Reflections: What is your definition of “unfairness?”

Unfairness Please fill out front and back Date of journal entry:: This is my first Circle I have attended a Circle before


Observations: What are some situations that you have seen that you think are unfair? Continued on back


Reflection: In what ways do you treat others — or yourself — unfairly?

How much did you know about unfairness BEFORE the Connection Circle? Mark one box: How much do you know about unfairness AFTER the Connection Circle? Mark one box: 1


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Rumors and Gossip Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

RUMORS AND GOSSIP





A. Snack and Optional Journal Activity: 10 minutes

� As youth arrive, offer them a snack.




1. If needed, facilitator and co-facilitator re-introduce themselves very briefly.



Agreements



Rumors and GossipCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation


Facilitator: Welcome and thank you for joining our Circle today. Our topic today is “Rumors and Gossip.” The Circle is now open.

Introductions

Facilitator: Our first round is short. Please say your name into the Circle and tell us the name of a song you really enjoy, and who it’s by. [Pause, repeat] [Pass talking piece to right]

Information Sharing

Today’s Circle topic is about rumors and gossip. I’ll start by sharing some recent research and some quick definitions.

Gossip is talking about someone without their knowledge or permission, sometimes in a negative way. A lot of gossip is just harmless talk. Some people call it “idle chit chat.”

Rumors are stories that get passed around that have not been verified to be true. They may be partly true, completely false, or a distorted version of the truth.

Science has found that there is an upside to gossip. Gossip helps people bond and grow closer to each other. Families and friends often gossip together about what people are doing, usually in a harmless way that brings them closer and doesn’t cause conflict. Gossip also is a way that a group keeps its members in line, by reinforcing group norms for acceptable behavior.

But gossip and rumors also are known to cause broken relationships, ruined reputations, lost opportunities, and even violence.

Round 1

Facilitator: Most people gossip at least some of the time, or else they listen to the gossip of others. If there are people, there’s gossip and rumors.

In this round, the question is: Where are some of the places that you’ve encountered gossip and rumors? [Repeat question.] [Hand Talking piece to the left]

Information Sharing

Facilitator: Most gossip is harmless and just “chit chat.” But sometimes gossip can be malicious and cause harm. Gossip and rumors can transform from harmless to harmful in a blink of an eye. For example, does this story sound familiar?

[Read aloud or ask for a volunteer.] “The summer after we graduated high school, my best friend Tara and I were dating two really nice guys. They were best friends, we were best friends, and we often double dated.

Rumors and Gossip Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

“One weekend, Tara and my boyfriend, Sam, both went out of town with their families. Tara’s boyfriend, Will, called and said, ‘Hey, let’s do a movie since both Tara and Sam are out of town and we have nothing else to do.’

“We truly went out as friends. Will knew that, and I knew that. But someone saw us at the movies and misinterpreted the situation.

“Well, in a small town, things tend to grow. When Tara and Sam returned, and even before I had a chance to talk to my best friend or my boyfriend, the word was out. There was no pulling back the stories and rumors.

“As I called to say ‘hi’ to them, I got a frigid blast of Arctic air. There was no explaining. There was no communication. My best friend and my boyfriend chose to believe the nasty rumors being spread, and their anger added fuel to the fire.

“I learned a tough lesson about loyalty that summer that I have never forgotten nor even gotten over. And to this day, my best friend still doesn’t believe me.”

Round 2

Facilitator: What stands out to you about that story? [Pass talking piece to the right]

Round 3

Facilitator: What are some things you like about sharing gossip and rumors with others? How is it enjoyable? [Pass talking piece to the left]

Round 4

Facilitator: What are some of the things you dislike when people gossip and spread rumors? Who would like to start? [Pass talking piece to volunteer]

Round 5

Facilitator: How do you think new technology, like social media, affects gossip and rumors? Who would like to start? [Pass talking piece to volunteer]

Round 6

Facilitator: In what ways might you help someone who is being unfairly targeted by gossip and rumors? Who would like to go? [Pass talking piece to volunteer]

Closing Round

Facilitator: To bring our time to a close, let’s do one final brief round. What is one word that describes your experience in the Circle today? [Pass talking piece to the left]



Rumors and GossipCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation





You may write whatever you want, but we ask that your journal entries show thought about the topic — in other words, don’t write simply “I don’t know” or “This is stupid.” If you have negative opinions about a topic, explain why.



After the Circle Session: 15-30 minutes � Clean up the area as needed, including replacing furniture. Put away Circle materials (snacks, pencils,

talking piece, etc.). Note whether you need anything for the next Circle (e.g., additional copies of Journal Pages, Facilitator Logs, pencils, snacks, etc.).





Reflections: Some say gossiping is just part of being human. What do you think?

Rumors and Gossip Please fill out front and back



Observations: What do you notice about how you respond when you are with people who are gossiping?

Continued on back


Observation: Tell about time when you saw someone hurt by gossip and rumors. What could have been done to prevent them from being hurt?

How much did you know about gossip and rumors BEFORE the Connection Circle? Mark one box: How much do you know about gossip and rumors AFTER the Connection Circle? Mark one box: 1


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Compassion and Self Care Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

COMPASSION AND SELF CARE









1. If needed, facilitator and co-facilitator re-introduce themselves very briefly.



Agreements



Compassion and Self CareCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation


Facilitator: Welcome and thank you for joining our Circle today. Our topic today is “Compassion and Self-Care.” The Circle is now open.

Introductions

Facilitator: Our first round is short. Please say your name into the Circle, and one way you like to relax. To repeat, what is your name, and something you like to do to relax. [Pass talking piece to the right]

Round 1

Facilitator: Today’s dialogue is about compassion for others, and compassion for self. Sometimes we can be very hard on ourselves.

For this first round, please describe someone you know who you think is a compassionate person. What do they do that makes them compassionate? [Pass to the right]

Information Sharing

Thanks for those descriptions. Compassion can wear many faces. I’d like to read you a little information about this topic.

The word “com-passion” literally means “to suffer with.” When you feel compassion, you’re feeling moved by someone else’s suffering. You feel your heart respond to their pain. You feel caring and a desire to help in some way.

“Having compassion” also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes.

People instinctively feel compassion for another when they recognize their shared humanity. Compassion grows when we put ourselves in another person’s shoes, even for a moment.

Round 2

Facilitator: In your experience, what’s the difference between compassion and pity? [Pause, repeat]

Who would like to go first? [Pass to that person]

Round 3

Facilitator: In this round, please tell about a time when you experienced compassion, either as a giver or as a receiver. [Pause, repeat]

Who would like to go first? [Pass to that person]

Compassion and Self Care Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

Round 4

Facilitator: For this next round, first take a moment and silently answer this question. You will not answer this out loud. The question is: Am I a compassionate person?

Think about all the ways you show compassion to others — understanding, kindness, care, assistance, and other ways only you may know. Picture yourself being compassionate. [Pause]

One of the hardest things to do is to have compassion for ourselves. We sometimes respond to others’ suffering -- yet shut down and deny our own feelings. We judge ourselves harshly or hold ourselves to unrealistic standards.

The question in this round is: How might my life be different if I treated myself with more compassion? [Pause, repeat, pause again] Who would like to go first? [Pass talking piece to that person]

Round 5

Facilitator: Self-compassion means treating yourself kindly, and taking care of yourself as you would take care of a beloved person.

In this round, please list some different ways we can show compassion and care for ourselves. [Pause] What are some things you do — or have considered doing — that help you care for yourself in a more compassionate way? [Pass talking piece to the right]

[Optional: If there is time, send the talking piece around again and ask participants to give additional answers, with no repeats of the previous round.]

Closing Round

Facilitator: To bring our time to a close, let’s do one final brief round. What is one word that describes your experience in the Circle today? [Pass talking piece to left]



Compassion and Self CareCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation














Reflections: What do you notice about your feelings when you think about treating yourself with morecompassion and self-care?

Compassion and Self-Care Please fill out front and back



Observations: What do you notice about the ways that you and your friends and family show compassion for yourselves and others?

Continued on back


Reflections: Describe a situation in which you wish you, or someone else, had showed more compassion. How might things have been different?

How much did you know about compassion and self care BEFORE the Connection Circle? Mark one box:

How much do you know about compassion and self care AFTER the Connection Circle? Mark one box:

1


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1


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Appendix

Optional Activities Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

OPTIONAL ACTIVITIES

CHOOSE AN APPROPRIATE ACTIVITY FOR YOUR GROUP’S SIZE, ABILITY, TIME, AND INTEREST.

Many activities drawn from Alternatives to Violence Project, avpusa.org

THE BIG WIND BLOWS 10 minutesMMaterials: Notecard or paper that reads “The Big Wind Blows on Everybody Like Me Who...”

1. Begin sitting in a circle. Take away one chair from the circle, so there is one fewer chairs than participants. (Facilitators and staff are participants.) Ensure it is safe for people to run around inside the circle.

2. The facilitator leading the exercise stands in the center of the circle, holding a notecard or piece of paper on which is printed “The Big Wind Blows on Everybody Like Me Who …”.

Facilitator: “Today we’re going to play an active game called The Big Wind Blows.

“You’ll notice that there is one more person playing than there are seats in the circle. I do not have a seat. But I am going to try to get one. Here’s how.

“The person standing in the center of the circle is called the Big Wind. Right now, I am The Big Wind. The Big Wind reads a card that says, “The Big Wind blows on everybody like me who…” then names something that is true for them.

Example: I could say, “The Big Wind blows on everybody like me who is wearing [name a color you are wearing].” Or, “The Big Wind blows on everybody like me who likes [type of animal].”

After the Big Wind says who the Wind blows on, then everybody for whom that is true has to jump up and find a new seat.

So if the Big Wind Blows on everybody who is wearing blue, then all people wearing blue have to find a new seat. If the Big Wind blows on everybody who likes dogs, all those people have to get up and quickly try to get a new seat.

The rule is you can’t switch to the seat on either side of you, or sit back in the same seat you were in. [Repeat!]

When people are switching seats, the Big Wind also is going to try find a seat, which means there may be a new Big Wind left in the middle. The Big Wind then says, “The Big Wind blows on everybody like me who …” and the game starts again.

Any questions? Remember, you have to say something that is true for you.

3. Go slowly through the first round, and correct mistakes if players try to switch to the chair next to them. Continue playing for 10-15 minutes. Hopefully everyone gets to be the Big Wind at least once.

Optional ActivitiesCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

COUNT TO 105-10 minutesMaterials: None

Begin sitting in a group.

Facilitator: This is a very simple but challenging game called “Count to 10.”

In this game, we try to count to 10 without two people talking at the same time.

The game starts when any person in the circle -- whoever wants to do it — calls out the number “1.” Then somebody else calls out “2” and so on.

But if two people call out a number at the same time, we have to go back and start over with “1.”

The rule is that we cannot signal to each other that we are about to speak. We have to do it by intuition. Can we make it to 10?

ELEPHANTS AND PALM TREES10 minutesMaterials: None

1. Begin standing in a circle, with the facilitator standing in the middle.

Facilitator : This game is called Elephants and Palm Trees. It’s a fast-paced reaction game, with a little twist: You have to be able to react quickly as a group to create either an elephant or a palm tree.

[Ask for 3 people standing side by side in the circle to help you demonstrate.]

Here’s how to make an elephant:

The middle person of the 3 people bends over, lets their arms hang down, and clasps their hands in front of them like an elephant trunk.

[Have the middle person demonstrate.]

The people on either side of the middle person hold up their arms in a big C on either side of the trunk, like giant elephant ears. [Have the two side people demonstrate]

To make a palm tree:

The middle person stretches their arms and hands over their head like the trunk of a tall palm tree. [Have the middle person demonstrate.]

The people on either side stretch out their ams and their hands and lean away from the middle person, like palm fronds blowing in the wind.

[Have the two people demonstrate.]


To play the game, there’s a person in the center of the circle, like me, who is a “pointer.” The pointer randomly spins around and suddenly points at someone in the circle and says, “Elephant!”

[Demonstrate as you do it, and suddenly point your finger at someone in the group.]

[As needed, encourage the middle person and those on either side to make an elephant. Once they have done it right, quickly twirl around and point to someone else and say, “Palm Tree!” Ensure all three make a palm tree]

Does everybody understand how to make an elephant and a palm tree?

Now here’s the rule: If there is any hesitation by any of the three people making an elephant or a palm tree, or if they do it wrong, the middle person of the group goes into the circle and becomes the new pointer. The old pointer rejoins the circle.

Pointers: The key to getting out of the circle is to go FAST and to pick people who aren’t expecting to get picked. I’m going to start now. [Quickly begin the game]

2. Continue for several rounds, then add a new variation: Skunk.

Facilitator: OK let’s make it a little harder. Let’s add in a new one: Skunk. [demonstrate with three people from the circle.]

The middle person turns around and holds their hand up in the air behind them like it’s a skunk tail raised up and ready to spray.

[Have the middle person demonstrate]

The people on either side of the middle person turn away and hold their noses. [Have the side people demonstrate]

3. Continue playing until time or energy runs out.

I’M GOING ON A PICNIC5-10 minutesMaterials: None

Begin by sitting in a circle.

Facilitator: In this game we’re going to create a list of 26 things to take on a picnic. The first item will start with the letter A, the second item will start with B, and so on.

Going around in turn, each must name something to bring that starts with the next letter of the alphabet. But FIRST, the person must name all the other items that have been listed first.

For example, the first person says, “I’m going on a picnic and I’m taking ants.” Then the next person says, “I’m going on a picnic and I’m taking ants and barbeque.” If you forget, we’ll help each other.


JACK AND JILL5 minutesMaterials: None


Facilitator: We’re going to play a little game that will test our memory and dexterity. The game is called Jack and Jill. Do you remember that old nursery rhyme?

[Ask the group to say it with you.]

Jack and Jill went up a hill / To fetch a pail of water /Jack fell down and broke his crown / And Jill came tumbling after.

We are going to do four hand motions while we say the nursery rhyme.

[Demonstrate the four hand motions while saying them out loud.]

1. snap fingers of left hand,2. snap fingers of right hand 3. clap hands4. slap thighs

Everybody do these with me now, in the same order: Snap, Snap, Clap, Slap

[Say it out loud a few times while practicing. Watch to see that everyone gets it]

Now we are going to go around the Circle and say the rhyme, and each person is going to say just ONE word and do ONE of the motions, in order. Let’s try this a few times to get the flow of it.

Jack [snap left fingers] and [snap right fingers]Jill [clap hands] went [slap thighs]Up [snap left fingers] the [snap right fingers]Hill [clap hands] to [slap thighs], etc.

Facilitator variations: How fast can we go? Can we do the motions in reverse order? If there’s time, can we make up four new hand motions?


I SPY 5-10 minutesMaterials: None


Facilitator: The game today is I Spy. Who’s played this before? I’ll review the rules quickly.

One person is “IT”. IT looks around the room and selects an object. The object must be something everybody can see, and that will stay in place throughout the turn.

IT says, “I spy something that is …” and then gives a small hint, like saying the color, or the starting or ending letter.

Everybody takes turns asking a yes-or-no question to identify the object, like “is it round,” or “can you eat it?” IT can only respond “yes” or “no.”

On your turn, you can either ask a question or you can make a guess. You can’t do both. Don’t shout out answers if it’s not your turn.

When someone guesses correctly, that person becomes the new IT. Any questions? Who wants to go first?

LAUGHTER YOGA10 minutesMaterials: None

Note to facilitators: Despite the many instructions below, this is a fairly simple, straightforward exercise and can be led by one person. It may be a little easier the first time if the co-facilitator or site staff reads the instructions out loud, and the lead facilitator demonstrates and leads the group. The facilitator reading the instructions also keeps track of time. Expect this to feel awkward at first. Just go with it! If the instructions below sound confusing, try watching online videos of Laughter Yoga to get a feel for it.

Introduction of Laughter Yoga

Facilitator: Please come stand in a circle and lets get some exercise before our Circle discussion. We’re going to do a little bit of Laughter Yoga to loosen up our muscles, relax and let our energy flow.

Laughter Yoga is like other kinds of yoga in that it is a way to de-stress our bodies and minds.

We’re going to stretch and exercise our bodies by laughing. For the most part, we are not going to be really laughing. We will be fake laughing, but that action will cause us to breathe deeply and work our muscles. However, you never know when the ridiculousness of it will make us laugh for real.

Laughter Yoga has been scientifically shown to have real physical and emotional benefits. In other words, laughing is serious exercise. The advice to beginners is: Even if you feel awkward, just go with it! Laughter Yoga is good for you.


Clapping Laugh

Facilitator: We are going to start with a Clapping Laugh. It goes like this:

Two big claps and three quick short claps. [Clap. Clap. clap-clap-clap] [Demonstrate twice]

As we clap, we’re going to laugh in rhythm with our claps:

Ho. Ho. Hee-hee-hee. [Pair each word with a clap. Demonstrate twice]

Let’s try it together. [Practice twice or until mastery]

Good! Now let’s give it a try.

Stay in this space but it’s OK to walk around while clapping, if you want. You can stomp your feet too, if you want. Or you can stay standing still. Either way is fine. Let’s begin. We’ll go about 30 seconds. [Continue for 30 seconds, more or less]

Belly, Head & Heart Laughter

Facilitator: OK, we’re getting warmed up. Next, we’re going to use our breath to wake up 3 parts of our bodies: Our bellies, our heads and our hearts.

Here’s a belly laugh. It comes from way down deep in your stomach:

HO HO HO HO! [Big deep Santa Claus laughs. Hold your stomach with both hands]

Now you try it with me. [15 seconds of belly laughter, more or less]

Good. Next, we’re going to do a head laugh. This laugh is all up high in your throat and your nose, kind of like a witch: Hee Hee Hee Hee! [Put your hands on your head and demonstrate high-pitched witchy laughter]

Let’s do that one together. [15 seconds, more or less]

A heart laugh is a laugh that just comes out naturally. You just do it your own way however it comes out. I’ve heard many of you do it already. Feel free to do it at any time. [Place your hands on your heart to indicate a heart- laugh. No demonstration needed]

OK now we are going to just rotate between the 3 laughs. Work on your belly, your head, your heart, in whatever order you want.

[Demonstrate by placing your hands on your stomach, doing a belly laugh, then hands on your head and doing a head laugh, then back to your belly. If a natural laugh comes out, put your hands on your heart]

Everybody go ahead and free-form laugh up and down your body for about 30 seconds. When you laugh for real, remember to put your hands on your heart! [continue for 30 second, more or less]

[When it’s time to stop, do the Clapping Laugh: Ho. Ho. Hee-hee-hee. Wait until everyone does it with you, then stop]


Laughter Greeting

Facilitator: Everybody feeling OK? Now let’s use laughter in a creative and expressive way.

Everybody knows how to greet someone by shaking their hand, right? Well we are going to do a Laughter Greeting.

Just walk up to anybody and shake their hand and laugh together as if you’re greeting each other. Substitute laughter for words.

[Walk over to someone across the circle, shake hands and laugh heartily for a few seconds as if you are saying a greeting. The other person also greets you with laughter. Then go on to another person. Encourage the group to join in]

[Continue until the facilitators have greeted everyone. When it’s time to stop, do the Clapping Laugh: Ho. Ho. Hee-hee-hee. Wait for everyone to do it with you]

Closing: Rising Laugh

Facilitator: Let’s come on back and stand in a circle.

To finish up our exercise session, we’re going to do one more breath exercise, a Rising Laugh. First l’ll describe what we’re going to do, and then we’ll do it.

First, we’re all going to bend over at the waist and let our hands hang down and laugh a soft little laugh, like this ‘heh-heh-heh’.

Then we are going to slowly straighten up, in unison, and slowly raise our arms up over our heads and as we do that, we’re going to laugh bigger and louder until we end up with our hands stretched up over our heads, laughing wildly.

Any questions? Ok, ready, go.

[After enjoying the laughing, invite people to sit in the circle]


LISTEN TO THE UNIVERSE10 minutesMaterials: None

Begin by sitting in a group.

Facilitator: Let’s play a challenging game called Listen to the Universe. In this game, we all work together to help somebody figure out what we want them do – but we have to do it without any words.

Here’s how it works.

A volunteer leaves the room and goes where they cannot hear us talking. The volunteer is called the Listener. The rest of us are the Universe.

While the Listener is out of the room, the Universe is going to decide on a simple task for the Listener to do, like: sit down in a certain place or pick up a certain item. Something not too complicated.

Then we call the Listener back into the room, and the Listener has to figure out what we want them to do.

The rule is that the Universe can only communicate with the Listener in one way: through clapping.

If the Listener is getting closer to the thing we want them to do, we clap, and if they move away, we stop. If they are getting closer and closer, we clap harder and harder.

By listening to our claps, the Listener figures out what they’re supposed to do, and does it.

Even if the task is very simple, it can be very confusing. The Listener has to forget what they think they know and just listen to the claps. And the Universe has to try to be very clear, to help the Listener figure it out. Let me demonstrate.

Let’s say I am the Listener, and the task is for me to come in and pick up this notebook. Help me figure out what to do by clapping.

[Demonstrate coming into the room and walking away from the notebook, then toward the notebook, then picking up something else, etc.. Help them coordinate their clapping with the proximity of the Listener to picking up the notebook]

OK, any questions? [Option: The co-facilitator or site staff can be the first Listener.]

Play several rounds, until everyone who wants to go has gone or time is up.


MY BONNIE5 minutes (or less – this is good for a stretch break)Materials: None

Note: This game is played to the old song “My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean” which goes like this: My Bonnie lies over the ocean / My Bonnie lies over the sea. / My Bonnie lies over the ocean. / Oh bring back my Bonnie to me. / Bring back / Bring back / Bring back my Bonnie to me, to me./ Bring back / Bring back / Oh bring back my Bonnie to me.

1. Start sitting in a circle.

Facilitator: Does everyone know the song “My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean”? I’m going to sing it really quickly just to remind you how it goes. [demonstrate]

In this game, we are going to sing this song together. When we hear a word that starts with the letter “B,” we all stand up. The next time we hear a B word, we sit down. The next B word, we stand up again. We keep going like this until the end of the song.

Any questions? Let’s begin.

2. Alternate: Start with everyone standing in a circle, with their arms raised over their heads. They stay in that position until they hear a word that starts with the letter B. Then they quickly switch to bending over and touching their toes. They stay in that position until they hear the next B, when they go back to arms over their heads. Keep switching positions

NAME MEANINGBegin by sitting in a group. This exercise is particularly useful if some in the group know each other but others don’t. Each person gives their name, and what their name means, answering such questions as:Why did my parents give me this name? Does this name mean something in another language? Do I like my name? If I were choosing my name, I would choose…

PATTERN BALL15 minutesMaterials: 4-5 small, soft “throw-able” objects like Nerf balls, balled up socks, little stuffed animals, etc. The person leading the game keeps these objects in a bag at their feet. The game starts with one easy-to-catch ball and the other objects are added in later.

1. Call the group together in a standing circle.

Facilitator: We’re going to play a game some people find challenging, called Pattern Ball.

This is a group problem-solving game. We’re going to create a ball pattern as a group, and then try to re-create that pattern under various conditions.

Here are the rules. They are really simple:

To create the ball pattern each person has to remember just 2 things:

1. Who threw the ball to you

2. Who you threw the ball to [Repeat]


The first thing we’re going to do is create our ball pattern.

I’m going to throw the ball to Person 1. [Throw to co-facilitator or staff member]

Now [Person 1] is going to throw the ball to Person 2 [Demonstrate].

And now [Person 1] is going to cross their arms over their chest to show that they are already part of the pattern. That way people will know not to throw the ball to them again. [Demonstrate]

Now Person 2 is going to throw the ball to Person 3, and then cross their arms over their chest to show they are already part of the pattern.

The last person to get the ball should throw it back to me and then cross their arms.

Any questions? What are the 2 things you HAVE to remember? (Who threw you the ball and who you throw it to.)

2. The facilitator takes back the ball and starts fresh, throwing to a different person. Continuing throwing the ball around the circle until everyone’s arms are crossed. The last person throws the ball back to the facilitator.

Facilitator: OK, now we have our pattern. Everybody can put their arms down. We don’t need to cross our arms anymore because our pattern has been created.

Now let’s see if we can recreate our pattern.

3. Send 1 ball around the pattern. When the ball comes back to the facilitator, immediately start it back around again.

4. After the second round returns to the facilitator, immediately start the ball back around the pattern again — wait a couple seconds — and then add in another ball or object and send it around the pattern. Slowly add in more items so the group is catching and throwing multiple items in a continuous pattern loop.

5. If the group is having trouble re-creating the pattern (e.g., there is a problem with catching or throwing or remembering who to throw to), stop and ask for ideas on what’s going wrong and how to fix it. What do we have to do so this will work?

6. Once the group has successfully recreated their pattern many times with multiple balls, add in twists if you have time:

● Do you think we can do the pattern backwards?

● How fast do you guess we could get one ball around the pattern? [Ask staff or co-facilitator to time it]

● Can we make it faster? [Try different ideas with the timer]

7. End the game after 15 minutes.


RAINSTORMSit or stand together in a tight circle with the facilitator standing in the middle.

Facilitator: This is an auditory game. As a group, we are going to create a rainstorm. When I face you, you are to copy whatever motion I am making with my hands. Keep doing this motion until I face you again, and then switch to whatever I am doing next. Listen for the rainstorm!

(Instructions just for the facilitator: These actions mimic the sound that a summer rainstorm makes as it starts, builds to a peak, then slowly fades away. The facilitator stands in the center of the circle, and turns slowly in a circle, looking at each person in turn, while making a motion (see list below). Once the facilitator has turned in a complete circle, the facilitator changes to the next motion, and keeps turning. Note: If your group is very small, do two turns for each motion, so that the sound lasts a little longer.)

1. Rub the palms of your hands together rapidly2. Snap your fingers3. Slap your thighs 4. Slap your thighs and stamp your feet [Note: This is the noisy “peak of the storm.” Now the storm will

fade away as you repeat the actions in reverse order.]5. Slap your thighs 6. Snap your fingers 7. Rub your palms together8. Stop turning, hold hands out palms down and shake them off as if they are wet.

SING FLING10 minutesMaterials: None

1. Everyone stands in a circle.

Facilitator: To begin our game, everyone silently think of songs you have sung in your life. [Pause]

What are some songs you’re thinking of? [After all have named songs, the Facilitator can add in some easy songs, such as nursery rhymes, Christmas caroles and jingles.]

This game is called Sing Fling. In this game, people will take turns being the singer. Don’t worry if you’re not a good singer. That’s not important.

To begin, the singer stands outside the circle, with their back to us so they can’t see us.

The singer starts to sing their song.

While the singer is singing, the rest of us toss this ball around to each other, in any order we want, as fast as we can.

The singer sings for a little while, and then suddenly stops singing. As soon as the singing stops, the person holding the ball becomes the singer, and the original singer returns to the circle.

The new singer starts with a new song and the group starts tossing the ball again.

Any questions? OK I will be the first singer.

2. Play until all have had a turn, or time is up.


WHATCHA DOIN’?10 minutesMaterials: None

1. Begin by standing in a circle.

Facilitator: This game is called Whatcha Doin’? It’s a game where you say one thing and do

another. Let me demonstrate.

[Pretend to comb your hair]

Ask me what I’m doing. Say” Whatcha Doin’?” [Let group call out]

I’m baking a cake. I’m doing one thing, but I say I’m doing a different thing. Now the person standing next to me has to do the thing I said.

[Turn to person to the left to you] Can you pretend to bake a cake? [Wait until the person has begun pantomiming baking a cake] Great! Keep doing that for a minute.

[Turn to the next person in the circle] Now you ask this person “Whatcha Doin’?” [Wait for them to ask.]

[Turn to the person baking the cake] Now you tell them something you are not doing, that you want them to pretend to do.

[Wait for them to respond and for their neighbor to begin doing the new pantomime]

Does everybody understand? The rules are: Pretend to do something. Your neighbor asks Whatcha Doin’? You tell them something you are NOT doing. Your neighbor now has to begin pretending to do the thing you said. And so on around the circle. Any questions?

2. After the pantomiming has gone all the way around the circle at least once (or more depending on the

size of the circle), switch and go to the right instead of to the left.

STAND UP5-10 minutesMaterials: None

1. Ask the group to get into pairs and sit on the floor, back to back. 2. Link arms with your partner. Bend your knees and put your feet flat on the floor and try to stand up. 3. Once successful, try it with 3 people, then 4 people. How many can you do?


THE WRIGHT FAMILY 5 minutes Materials: 1 pen or pencil for each person in the group.

1. Begin sitting in a circle.

Facilitator: Let’s move in close so it’s a tight circle. We’re going to play a game that will challenge us to follow directions quickly. It’s called Life with the Wright Family.

[The facilitator hands each person a pen or pencil]

I’m going to read you a story and every time you hear any word that sounds like the word “right,” pass your pencil or pen to the person on your right. Every time you hear a word that sounds like “left,” pass the pencil or pen to the person on your left.

[Repeat if needed] Any questions?

2. Read aloud the story below, “Life with the Wright Family.” Begin slowly so that people have a chance to catch on. If people are not following directions, stop at the end of the first paragraph and repeat the directions, then re-start the story from the beginning. As you continue to read, go faster and faster to make the game more challenging.

“Life with the Wright Family”One day the Wright family decided to take a vacation. The first thing they had to decide was who would be left at home since there was not enough room in the Wright family car for all of them. Mr. Wright decided that Aunt Linda Wright would be the one left at home. Of course, this made Aunt Linda Wright so mad that she left the house immediately yelling, “You left me out, and It will be a right cold day before I return”.

The Wright family now bundled up the children, Tommy Wright, Susan Wright, Timmy Wright and Shelly Wright and got in the car and left. Unfortunately, as they turned out of the driveway someone had left a trash can turned over in the street so they had to turn right around and stop the car. Tommy Wright got out and righted the trash can, but he took so long they almost left him in the street.

Once the Wright family got on the road, Mother Wright wondered if she had left the stove on. Father Wright assured her she had not left it on. As they turned right at the corner, everyone started to think about other things that they might have left undone.

“There is no time left for worry,” said Mother Wright, “Because we are off on a right fine vacation!” First they had to get gas. But Father Wright suddenly discovered he had left his wallet at home. Timmy Wright ran home to get the money that was left behind.

After Timmy Wright had left, Susan Wright suddenly started to feel sick. She left the car saying that she had to throw up. This of course got Mother Wright’s attention and she left the car in a hurry. Shelly Wright wanted to watch Susan Wright get sick, so she left the car too. Father Wright was left with Tommy Wright who was reading a comic book that had been left in the back seat.

When Timmy Wright got back with the wallet that was left behind, Father Wright decided that this was not the right time to take a vacation, so he gathered up the family and left the gas station. When he arrived home, he turned left into the driveway and said, “I wish the Wright family had never left the house today! Right?”

Facilitator: How did we do? Does everyone have a pencil or pen?

[Take a moment to laugh and notice who has more than one pen/pencil, and who has none]

[Collect back all the pens & pencils]


ZIP ZAP BOING10 minutesMaterials: None

1. In advance, arrange with the co-facilitator or staff member to help you demonstrate the rules of the game. (See step 5, below.)

2. Ask the group to stand in a fairly tight circle, shoulder to shoulder. The staff member or co-facilitator should be a few people away from the facilitator.

Facilitator: Let’s all come together and stand in a circle. We’re going to play a game called Zip Zap Boing. This is a “think fast!” kind of game. We are going to be quickly passing some nonsense words around the circle. Let’s see how good our reflexes are.

The first word is Zip! Whenever someone says Zip! they quickly look at the person standing on their RIGHT. That person quickly says Zip! and looks to their right, and so on. Let’s practice sending Zip! around the circle as fast as we can.

3. The facilitator says Zip! and quickly looks at the person to their right. That person says Zip! and so on (urge them to go quickly).

4. When Zip! Goes all the way around the Circle and gets back to the facilitator, the facilitator says:

Facilitator: The second word is Zap! Whenever somebody says Zap! the word goes to the left. Let’s try it. [The facilitator says Zap! And looks quickly to their left, and each person in turn says Zap! and looks to to the person on their left.]

5. BUT when Zap! reaches the co-facilitator or staff member, instead of saying Zap! that person says Boing!

Facilitator: OK, whenever anybody says Boing! then the word has to quickly change directions and go back the other way. So now Zip! has to go back quickly to the right. The next time somebody says Boing then it has to change directions again and become Zap!

How quickly can you react? Do not hesitate! The trick is to go as fast as you can. Does everybody understand? Would you like me to explain again?

6. Let the group Zip-Zap- Boing! for a little while. The key to the fun is to urge them to go as fast as they can.

Facilitator: We’re getting pretty good at this. Can we go even faster?

7. Once the group understands the game, the facilitator can throw in a new word: Boing Boing!

Facilitator: Boing Boing! means I’m tossing the word to the person directly across the circle from me. It can help to call their name. Boing Boing [NAME OF PERSON ACROSS FROM YOU]. That person gets to quickly decide if they are going to Zip! or Zap!

8. Play until energy fades or everybody is completely confused, or it’s time to stop.

FACILITATOR LOG

Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, Tucson, AZ [email protected] Page 1 of 1

Connection Circles

FACILITATOR LOG

Please complete this form after each Connection Circle:

Date: Site:

Facilitator Name: Co-Facilitator:

Topic:_________________________________________________________________

Number of Youth Participants: Number of Staff Participants:

Demographics of Youth Participants:(In the box to the right, indicate by number how many youth in each category. )

Number of youth participants by gender:

Male: ________ Female: ________ Transgender: _______

Number of youth participants who

Submitted Journal Pages today: ______

Facilitator/Co-Facilitator Notes about this session:

Age Ethnicity

Under age 18: Hispanic:

Over age 18: Non-Hispanic:

Race

African-American: White/Caucasian:

Asian: Mixed Race:

Native American:

STAFF OBSERVATION LOG

Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services 520-323-1708 x122 Page 1 of 2

Staff Observation Log

Site Name:

Date of this week’s Circle: Circle Topic:

Instructions: Note your observations about youth and staff Circle participants during the week following the Circle: In what ways did youth or staff articulate Circle topics to you or to one another? In what ways did youth or staff try using behavior related to the Circle topic? Describe any youth or staff interactions that demonstrated feelings of empathy or connection.

Observations about Youth Circle Participants:

Continued on other side...

Connection Circles

Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services 520-323-1708 x122 Page 2 of 2

Observations about Staff Circle Participants: Overall, in what way did you feel that this week’s Circle topic had an influence on the behavior of youth or staff?

CIRCLE AGREEMENTS

Participate in the Circle as a listener

and a speaker

Stay in the Circle until the

end

One person speaks

at a time using

the talking piece

Show respect for all

It’s OK to pass

No Phone Zone

Circle AgreementsCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

What is said in

the Circle stays in the

Circle

Red Card/Green Card Exercise Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

RED CARD/GREEN CARD EXERCISE

A POWERFUL WAY TO IDENTIFY FEELINGS AND NEEDS

Preparation:Print out the red and green cards on sturdy colored paper, and cut into even-sized cards. Make as many decks as you have groups.

Set up:On a large tabletop, lay out the red cards first, starting at the left edge of the table. There are a lot of cards! Lay down the cards in tightly spaced vertical rows, and overlap the cards as you lay them down, taking care that each card can be read. Once the red cards are done, do the same with the green cards. All the cards should be visible.

Players:This exercise is best done in small groups of 4 to 6 people, ages 9 and up. Mixed-age groups are OK. Divide players into small groups prior to giving instructions.

Instructions:

1. Red cards represent negative or uncomfortable feelings, and green cards represent underlying needs we all have.

2. Within each group, each person is going to tell a short story (1-3 minutes) of a time when they faced an uncomfortable situation. The situation can be minor, but it should be one in which they experienced negative emotions. The storyteller stands behind the card table, facing the other participants.

3. Everyone in the group listens respectfully. When the story is finished, each person silently chooses one or two red cards for feelings they heard or sensed, and one or two green cards for the underlying needs the person may have had.

4. Once all have selected their cards, people go one by one and briefly take turns telling the storyteller which red and green cards they picked and why. When each person is finished, they hand their cards to the storyteller. The storyteller then lets them know if they got it right. If they didn’t get it right, the storyteller tells them what his or her feelings and needs are instead. Even though people sometimes guess wrong, their guesses are still valuable because they help the storyteller identify his or her own feelings and needs.

5. Repeat with a new storyteller and continue until all have gone or you run out of time. (If you know it’s likely you will need to stop before everyone has a chance to tell their story, announce this at the beginning.)

*Red Card / Green Card is based on the Nonviolent Communication work of Marshall Rosenberg

Red Card/Green Card ExerciseCenter for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

Red CardsPrint two-sided on red paper, so the word and the definition

are on the front and back of the card. After printing, cut cards along the lines to create a deck.

Disrespected Grief

Miserable Blamed

Hurt Mad

SadBroken-hearted

GriefMeaning: feeling of deep sadness, especially after a death or a loss

Similar words: suffering, sorrow, mourning

Alana was grieving the loss of her dog, who had been her friend since she was a baby.

DisrespectedMeaning: being treated like you’re not valuable, important, etc.

Similar words: insulted, dishonored

Mark felt disrespected when Dan made fun of his opinions.

MiserableMeaning: extremely unhappy or unwell

Similar words: depressed, sad, gloomy

She felt lonely and miserable when her friend stopped talking to her.

Frustrated Upset

Annoyed Uncomfortable

Impatient Angry

Rejected Tired

FrustratedMeaning: annoyed or upset

Similar words: annoyed, disappointed, discouraged, upset

Sam was frustrated that he was having trouble understanding the assignment.

RejectedMeaning: feeling of not being accepted or included

Similar words: refused, abandoned, denied, lonely

He still likes her, even though she rejected him before.

Used Bored

Tense Stressed

Embarrassed Overwhelmed

Mistreated Exhausted

UsedMeaning: taken advantage of, treated unfairly by people you’ve been generous or kind to

Similar words: unappreciated, taken advantage of, mistreated

She felt like her friends didn’t really like her; were just using her for free rides, since she had a car.

StressedMeaning: feeling worried or anxious

Similar words: anxious, under pressure, worried

Mark was really stressed about his upcoming wrestling match.

TenseMeaning: nervous and not able to relax

Similar words: nervous, anxious

Her family’s constant fighting made her feel very tense at home.

OverwhelmedMeaning 1: affected very stronglySimilar words: stressed, upset

Meaning 2: having too much to doSimilar words: busy, swamped

She was overwhelmed by the amount of things she still had left to do.The sadness of losing her dog was overwhelming.

ExhaustedMeaning: tired out completely; having no more physical or mental energy

Similar words: tired, drained, weakened, spent

The entire team was exhausted after practice that day.

MistreatedMeaning: treated badly

Similar words: abused

People who mistreat animals are more likely to mistreat people

Restless Ashamed

Sensitive Unsure

Confused Conflicted

Self-conscious

Neglected

RestlessMeaning 1 : feeling nervous or bored and tending to move around a lot; not relaxed or calmSimilar words: nervous, bored, jittery, anxious

Meaning 2: unhappy with a situation, wanting a changeSimilar words: unhappy, unsatisfied

Kendra was often very restless in class and couldn’t concentrate.He felt restless in his small town and wanted to move.

SensitiveMeaning 1: easily upset by things people do or say about youSimilar words: delicate, emotional, nervous

Meaning 2: Aware and understanding of other’s feelingsSimilar words: aware, perceptive, understanding

She was very sensitive to comments about her appearance.People like Greg because he’s sensitive about other people’s feelings.

ConflictedMeaning: having feelings that disagree with or go against one another; confused feelings

Similar words: confused, unsure, torn

Shane was conflicted; should he sneak out and risk getting caught, or stay in and miss his friend’s party?

NeglectedMeaning: not given enough attention or care

Similar words: ignored, unwanted, forgotten

Peter neglected his garden and all of his plants died.Amy went into social work to help neglected children.

Self-consciousMeaning: uncomfortably nervous or embarrassed about what others think about you

Similar words: insecure, nervous, embarrassed, shy

A lot of people are extremely self-conscious about the way they look.

Insecure Awkward

Intimidated Punished

Depressed Unhappy

Lonely Hopeless

AwkwardMeaning: not graceful or confident

Similar words: clumsy, embarrassed, uncomfortable

Diego felt awkward around his girlfriend’s parents.

InsecureMeaning: not confident about yourself or your ability to do things well; nervous and uncomfortable

Similar words: shy, uncomfortable, unsure

She didn’t want to give the presentation because she felt insecure about talking in front of a lot of people.

IntimidatedMeaning: feeling afraid or small

Similar words: nervous, scared

He felt intimidated by the size of the college campus.

Worried Afraid

Nervous Guilty

Disgusted Scared

Closed-off Numb

NumbMeaning: unable to think, feel, or react normally because of something that shocks or upsets you

Similar words: unfeeling

She didn’t feel sad about her parents’ divorce; she just felt numb.

Closed-offMeaning: unable or not wanting to share your inner thoughts or feelings; not letting anyone in

Similar words: quiet, private, secretive

She and her mother used to share everything, but lately she’s been closed-off and silent around her.

Resentful Made fun of

Regretful Jealous

Excluded Distant

Disappointed Sorry

ResentfulMeaning: having or showing a feeling of anger or displeasure about someone or something unfair.

Similar words: angry, bitter

She was resentful of her more popular older sister.

RegretfulMeaning: feeling sad or sorry about something

Similar words: sorry, guilty

Samantha was regretful for blaming her friend for something she didn’t do.

DistantMeaning: not friendly or showing emotion; closed-off or feeling far apart from

Similar words: quiet, private, unfriendly

She felt distant from her friend after the fight.

ExcludedMeaning: not being allowed as part of a group

Similar words: lonely, ignored, left out

After someone started spreading rumors, her friend started excluding her.

Lost Left out

Criticized Discouraged

LostMeaning: lacking confidence and feeling unsure of what to do

Similar words: unsure, directionless, goalless

Dan felt lost; he didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life.

DiscouragedMeaning: feeling of not being hopeful or confident

Similar words: sad, unhopeful, afraid

The team was discouraged by their losing streak.

CriticizedMeaning: feeling of being disapproved of; judged as bad

Similar words: put down, blamed, bashed

The teacher criticized her artwork in front of the entire class.

Green CardsPrint two-sided on green paper, so the word and the definition are on the front and back of the card. After printing, cut cards along the lines to create a deck.

Acceptance Belonging

Appreciation Compassion

Connection Kindness

Honesty Trust

BelongingMeaning: Feeling of happiness from being in a good relationship with a person or a group

Similar words: comfortableness (a feeling of being at ease); closeness; acceptance

She felt a sense of belonging at her new school that she hadn’t felt at her old school.

AcceptanceMeaning: The act of accepting with approval

Similar words: approval; approving; blessing

Sheila wanted acceptance from her parents for the fact that she wanted to be a writer, and not a doctor.

CompassionMeaning: A strong awareness of and sympathy for another’s suffering

Similar words: sympathy

He had always had compassion for people who were homeless or struggling.

AppreciationMeaning 1: An expression of thanksSimilar words: thanks; gratefulness

Meaning 2: A favorable (positive) judgmentSimilar words: admiration; approval

He showed appreciation for the things his mom did for him.She hoped the teacher would have appreciation for how hard she had worked on the project.

ConnectionMeaning: The state of being joined or linked together

Similar words: comfortableness (a feeling of being at ease); closeness; acceptance

Robbie had a strong connection with his dog, Max; they seemed to understand one another.

Understanding Fairness

Family Closeness

Affection Care

Support Respect

ClosenessMeaning: Friendship or familiarity

Similar words: Friendship, intimacy, relationship, attachment

Tom didn’t have the same closeness with his sister as he did with his brother.

CareMeaning 1: A feeling of affection or likingSimilar words: Liking, appreciation, fondness

Meaning 2: To help someone; look after and provide for the needs of someoneSimilar words: Protect, nurse, look after

Even though they fought a lot, they really did care for each other.Joe said she could keep the kitten if she helped care for it.

AffectionMeaning: Love or fond attachment to someone or something

Similar words: Fondness, love, tenderness, liking

Tina had a lot of affection for her friends.

RespectMeaning: a feeling or understanding that someone or something is important, serious, etc., and should be treated in an appropriate way

Similar words: consideration, understanding, appreciation, honor

Even though they disagreed, they always spoke to each other with respect.

SupportMeaning: To give comfort, acceptance, encouragement, or financial help to someone

Similar words: back up; encourage; get behind; accept; provide for

Alison’s mom supported her decision to become a dancer.Drew’s parents supported him while he was struggling with money.

Friendship Love

Freedom Enjoyment

Encouragement Calm

Balance Equality

CalmMeaning: Lack of emotional disturbance or drama

Similar words: Peace, quiet, untroubledness

Raul liked going to the lake; there was a sense of calm there that helped him relax and have fun.

EncouragementMeaning: an expression of support or approval; words or actions that push/help or inspire someone

Similar words: inspiration; motivation; positive reinforcement; praise

One of the reasons the team played so well is the encouragement the players got from their coach.

EqualityMeaning: Being treated as having the same value as other people, even if they’re different

Similar words: Fairness

She liked that the students in her class were treated with equality.

BalanceMeaning: having a stable, calm environment or emotions; evenness on all sides

Similar words: equality, harmony, order, stability, evenness

Having to move houses often disrupted the balance of their household.

Progress Meaning

Purpose Realness

Confidence Independence

Sharing Inspiration

MeaningMeaning: idea or message of something; purpose

Similar words: purpose; idea; significance

Cassandra didn’t find any meaning in her job, so she decided to go back to school.

RealnessMeaning: the quality of being real, true, or honest

Similar words: truth; honesty

Joseph liked Travis’s realness; he always knew he’d give him an honest answer.

PurposeMeaning: A goal or reason for existing.

Similar words: job; role; task; goal; meaning

Music gave him a sense of purpose.

IndependenceMeaning: Freedom from the control of others.

Similar words: freedom; liberty

Manuel liked the independence he got from having his own car.

ConfidenceMeaning: trust, faith, certainty, or belief in yourself/your abilities.

Similar words: certainty; assurance; trust; inner strength

She had confidence that she’d complete the project in time.

InspirationMeaning: Something or someone that excites and drives you to create or do something.

Similar words: guidance; motivation; encouragement

She said that Lupita Nyong’o was her inspiration to go into acting.

Excitement Rest

Challenge Motivation

Comfort Change

Safety Security

MotivationMeaning: The desire to accomplish or achieve something

Similar words: encouragement; drive; fire; inspiration

Whenever he didn’t feel the motivation to get up and go to work, he would buy a coffee to reward himself for going.

SecurityMeaning: the state of being or feeling safe; freedom from fear, danger, or doubt; a sense of safety or certainty

Similar words: safety; stability; sureness; certainty

She liked the security she felt from having a job that paid her enough money to live comfortably.

Dependability Consistency

Positivity Pride

GuidanceTo feel heard

Time Responsibility

ConsistencyMeaning: the quality of always behaving or happening in a similar way

Similar words: sameness; predictability; regularity

There was no consistency in the homework in Louise’s math class; sometimes the teacher collected it, sometimes she didn’t.

DependabilityMeaning: being able to be counted on or relied upon

Similar words: trustworthiness; reliability; loyalty

Logan thought that dependability was his best quality as a worker; he always showed up on time and did what needed to be done.

PositivityMeaning: the quality of seeing things as good; looking towards the good side of things

Similar words: happiness; looking at the bright side

His positivity helped him through a lot of hard times.

GuidanceMeaning: advice or information given to help or solve a problem; giving direction

Similar words: help; assistance; direction; leadership

Since he was the first in his family to apply to college, Thomas received guidance from his counselor about how to apply.

ResponsibilityMeaning 1: Any action which somebody trusts or expects that another person will do Similar words: duty; commitment

Meaning 2: Being at fault in a situation, and needing to fix it Similar words: accountability.

Jen’s dad said they could get a dog, but that it would be her responsibility to take care of it.Since he had run a stop sign and hit another car, he claimed responsibility for the accident.

Patience Space

Sympathy

SympathyMeaning: feeling sadness for other people or showing such feelings; identifying with/understanding a person or an idea

Similar words: connection; understanding; pity; common feeling

She felt a lot of sympathy for her friend when he lost his mom.

Research Basis for Connection Circles Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

RESEARCH BASIS FOR CONNECTION CIRCLES

1. Neutrally facilitated dialogue circles are an effective method for encouraging positive communication and conflict resolution skills in youth.Conflict resolution skills are most effectively learned when the educational experience allows those involved to participate as equals or as nearly as equally as possible. Youth respond better to conflict resolution education when they have real agency and when they share authority.

Connecticut Department of Education, “Teaching School-Based Conflict Resolution,” [http://www.ct.gov/dcf/lib/dcf/prevention/pdf/school_based_conflict_resolution.pdf], Accessed: May 20, 2016; Kathy Bickmore, “Student Conflict Resolution, Power ‘Sharing’ in Schools and Citizenship Education, Curriculum Inquiry, April 2001. [https://www.researchgate.net/publication/240604559_Student_Conflict_Resolution_Power_Sharing_in_Schools_and_Citizenship_Education], Accessed: May 20, 2016.

Conflict resolution education requires an environment in which “each learner can feel physically and psychologically free from threats and danger and can find opportunities to work and learn with others for the mutual achievement of all. The diversity of the group is respected and celebrated.”

Donna Crawford and Richard Bodine, Conflict Resolution Education: A Guide to Implementing Programs in Schools, Youth-Serving Organizations, and Community and Juvenile Justice Settings, (Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, United States Department of Justice, 1996), 10-11.

The format of the Circle naturally breaks down barriers between people. Contact between two groups can promote tolerance if one of these conditions is met: (1) Equal status between the groups; (2) Sharing common goals; (3) Cooperation with one another (4) Support from institutional authorities.

Contact Theory - Gordon Allport, PhD, 1950’s.

Research suggests that one of the most effective ways people solve problems is through analogical reasoning, i.e., drawing comparisons between current experiences and previous experiences. Analogical reasoning has been shown to be more effective at improving conflict resolution skills than learning by textbook or even direct experience.

Gick and Holyoak, 1983

2. Vulnerable and structurally disadvantaged youth can benefit from dialogue circle conversations about communication and conflict resolution.Homeless youth benefit from feeling heard and having the opportunity to create a power-free relationship with a trusted adult. Given these opportunities, homeless youth can develop effective coping skills that “may help [them] to overcome the adversity of homelessness, to achieve in school, and to salvage other personal triumphs. … [I]nvestigators exploring adolescents’ ability to withstand environmental stress have identified several factors that appear to be important …sociability, competence in communication skills, and positive relationships are among them.”

Sandra Horowitz, Susan K. Boardman, Irwin Redlener, “Constructive Conflict Management and Coping in Homeless Children and Adolescents,” in Journal of Social Issues, by The Society for the Psychological Study of Social Issues, 1994, Columbia University Academic Commons, [http://hdl.handle.net/10022/AC:P:15435] Accessed: May 20, 2016.M. Deutsch, The Effects of Training in Cooperative Learning and Conflict Resolution in an Alternative High School, (New York: International Center for Cooperation and Conflict Management, Columbia University, 1993).

Research Basis for Connection Circles Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

Frequent contact with adults in stable and caring environments promotes acquisition of social skills, social assertiveness and pro-social behaviors.

Elizabeth Hair, Justin Jager, Sarah Garrett, “Background for Community-Level Work on Social Competency in Adolescence: Reviewing the Literature on Contributing Factors,” Child Trends, (John S. and James L. Knight Foundation, 2001), [http://www.childtrends.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Background-for-community-level-work-on-social.pdf], Accessed: May 24, 2016.

Circles are consistent with the principles of The ARC Framework for Runaway and Homeless Youth Serving Agencies, developed by the Hollywood Homeless Youth Partnership:

1. Attachment: By incorporating a staff member as a full Circle participant, Circles increase youth feelings of safety with staff and other participants, and build staff capacity to attune to youth.

2. Self-regulation: Circle discussion topics build youths’ ability to identify emotions, modulate emotional experience and effectively communicate and express emotional experience.

3. Competency: Through listening and speaking within the Circle, and completion of youth journal pages, Circles engage the executive functions of youth in making active choices, and the healthy development of personal identity and social skills. Executive functions are strengthened by bringing conscious thought to actions, and by improving the ability to problem-solve and make active choices.

Tips From Facilitators Center for Community Dialogue, a program of Our Family Services, with funding from the JAMS Foundation

TIPS FROM

FACILITATORS

Below is useful advice from experienced Connection Circles participants. Please contact the Center for Community Dialogue with any tips you would like to share, at [email protected]. Thank you!

● Limit the Circle to no more than 10 participants, including the participating staff member. A nice size is 5-8 participants. However, if necessary, a Circle can be conducted with just two participants.

● Write each Circle question on a separate index card, and use the cards as talking pieces. This makes it easier to keep track of the questions, and reduces the number of times you need to repeat the question. It also helps participants better focus on what is being asked.

● If you feel awkward reading from the script, admit it to the Circle. Explain you’re reading the script so you can be sure you don’t miss anything. You will feel more confident if you practice saying the script out loud prior to the session.

● Be trauma aware. If group members have experienced considerable trauma, acknowledge it during the Agreements section. Ask participants to give a “trigger warning” if they are about to share something intense that others might find upsetting. Tell group members in advance that they may leave the Circle if they feel overwhelmed by someone’s story. Identify a quiet place to go, and invite them to come back when they are ready.

● If you think your group is going to answer the Circle questions very quickly, take time in advance to think up some additional questions. These questions should follow the template of being broad and open-ended, encouraging reflection and connection of the topic to their lives, and not attempting to teach. It can be fun to seek creative responses, such as “What color is empathy and why?” or “How does disrespect taste?”

● Don’t worry if someone passes on every round. As long as they are following the ground rules, respect their choice to pass. One exception: No one should pass on an introduction round.

● Homemade treats are a great way to build bonds!

● If you need to stretch out the Circle time, or if you think participants might have more to say about a particular question, send the talking piece around twice for the same question. Encourage people to “say more about this,” or “give a different answer than in the previous round – no repeats.”

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