© 2013. The Gottman Institute, Inc.

Chapter FiveKey Topics

Steps to Help Challenging Children

The Coercive Cycle

Explosive and Implosive Children

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© 2013. The Gottman Institute, Inc.

Steps to Help Challenging Children

The Coercive Cycle

Gerald Patterson, Marion Forgatch and their colleagues at the Oregon Social Learning Center did research on the development of antisocial boys, and started by looking at ineffective parenting. The basis of their work was identifying the steps in the “the Coercive Cycle.” Here is what this cycle looks like:

1. The child asks for something, making a demand in a really aversive, highly annoying manner.

2. The parent initially comes down very hard on the aversive request. The parent may threaten the child with very negative consequences.

3. The child escalates, and keeps escalating, using increasingly irritating and embarrassing behaviors (especially if done in public).

4. The parent gets increasingly upset, threatens and eventually loses control with emotions like anger, criticism, and contempt. The child’s escalation continues to worsen.

5. The exhausted, frustrated, and embarrassed parent eventually backs down, gives in, and the child gets what he or she wanted in the first place.

In the Coercive Cycle, children learn that if they escalate quickly, they can

get what they want.

When the parent gives in, the child learns that the whole sequence works, and the message is: Hang in there. You can outlast them. Keep escalating and you will win. Then the child uses this same pattern at school, with friends and with other caregivers.

What can you do if your child is using the coercive cycle?

1. Recognize it.

2. Don’t give in. This helps the child’s escalation to die out.

3. If the misbehavior continues, give a time out.

Understanding Special Situations

Problem solving with “explosive” children

In his book “The Explosive Child”, Dr. Ross Greene popularized the term “explosive” children to describe kids who struggle with being flexible, tolerating frustration, handling transitions, and being able to problem solve. These children become easily and quickly frustrated, angry and upset, and often escalate into oppositional defiance. Too often these kids get diagnosed with a variety of unflattering labels that distress parents and are not necessarily helpful. These are labels like ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Reactive Attachment Disorder, or Asperger’s Syndrome. We’re not trying to say that there are not some kids who truly suffer from these disorders and who can and do benefit from the medications often prescribed for them. What we do want to suggest is there may be a tendency for professionals to use medications for problems that could be better helped with a little Emotion Coaching, especially the 5th step, which is designed to help kids learn to problem solve.

There are two goals for problem solving with an explosive child: 1) to understand what is making the child become explosive, and 2) to help the child to develop a certain set of skills that will allow them to be more flexible, tolerant of frustration, and better at problem solving, given a difficult situation.

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Here are the skills an “explosive” child needs to develop over time:

1. Pausing for a few moments rather than immediately reacting.

2. Using words to express emotions rather than acting them out. For example, saying “I’m really mad at you right now,” rather than hitting another child.

3. Considering alternative actions and their consequences before choosing one to do. For example, when angry, choosing to walk out of the room instead of throwing a toy, because throwing it might break it or hurt someone.

4. Focusing and sustaining attention on a single task or conversation.

5. Being able to shift attention to a different task or conversation.

Four Principles to Use with Explosive Kids

1. Try to understand. Use “what” questions, not “why” questions. Just like adults, kids experience “WHY” questions as criticism. Questions like, “Why did you just say that?” or “Why can’t you calm down?” or “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” make a child feel like there must be something wrong with him. Instead, ask questions that start with “What.” “What was going on that got you so upset?” “What did you need?” or “What were you feeling?” Encourage him to reflect on his behavior while seeing that you have his best interests at heart.

2. Small successes are okay. Ease up on your expectations and make small steps that work toward both your child’s goals and your own.

3. Use educated guesses when your child says, “I don’t know.” When you ask your child questions to better understand her problem and goals, she may not know how to answer. Try to help by making educated guesses about the problem. She may honestly not know the answer or she may just lack the ability to put her feelings into words. If you guess near the right answer, that might help your child to name the problem.

4. Try temporary solutions that work to accomplish both your goal and your child’s goal. Try to WAIT for your child to come up with a suggested solution. Don’t be impatient, and try not to have high standards for judging her ideas. As your child presents possible solutions, try to use them. That way she can learn that she is part of the solution, not just the problem.

Problem solving with the “implosive” child Ross Greene also identified another group of children who are the opposite of explosive. These kids’ behaviors are also challenging for their parents. Implosive children are anxious, fearful, sad, or shy. Often, they are also withdrawn, inhibited perfectionists, prefer organization, or are introverted. Many of these children fear failure and use standards that are too high for evaluating themselves. With these children, misbehavior may not be the problem. It may be feelings of sadness, fear, or experiences of rejection or bullying.

With implosive children, misbehavior may not be the problem. They may feel anxious or may not want to try something.

How Can You Help an Implosive Child?

As you will see, the ways you help the explosive and implosive child are almost identical, yet they vary slightly in how you approach the situation and the desired outcome.

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1. Ask “what” questions, not “why” questions. Your goal is also to increase flexibility and to have your child imagine new and different possibilities for both thoughts and actions. Ask questions like, “What is your worst case scenario?” or “What do you need here?” Questions like these will help your child voice fears so you can empathize and be supportive.

2. Small successes are okay. If you ease up on your expectations and accomplish small steps, that is real progress. Respect your child’s fears and empathize with them. An implosive child is much more prone to expect perfection from himself, and may feel terrible about himself when he doesn’t achieve it. Normalize for your child that no one is perfect, that perfection isn’t the goal. Rather it’s more important that he do his best. Teach him that every child has strengths and challenges. For example, if he is fearful of math and is avoiding doing his math homework, you can identify and empathize with his fear, and perhaps even say that you understand that he is afraid of not getting it done in time or not getting a high score on the test, but he still needs to learn math. Tell him you will support him to do his best at it. Then together you can problem solve to strengthen his learning process.

3. Use educated guesses if the child says, “I don’t know.” When you ask your child “What” questions to better understand her problem and goals, and she does not know how to answer you, try making educated guesses about the problem. Your child may honestly not know, or lack the skill of putting words to feelings. But she can learn from you what to read in herself and environment to help identify her problem and goals to solve it.

4. Try temporary solutions and be patient. Try to WAIT for your child to come up with a suggested solution and try not to have high standards for judging your child’s ideas. Again, it’s best if possible solutions come from your child, because then he gets to practice the process needed to solve his own problems. You can make educated guesses about potential solutions if he truly doesn’t have any ideas, but the implosive child needs more encouragement to voice his ideas. And do accept your child’s feedback if your suggestions don’t seem right to him. He will learn the collaborative process of brainstorming to solve problems, and how not to take personally a rejection of an idea, because when he’s rejected your idea, you haven’t taken it personally. After all, you are his role-model. Remember that the solution is just an experiment. You will be able to revisit the situation if it continues to be a source of anguish for your child.

Emotions = Opportunity for Connection

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A summary of child discipline Here is a summary of all we’ve touched on regarding disciplining your child. When you see misbehavior:

1. Confront the child gently. Do not use insults, or threats. Tell your child how his behavior makes you feel. Give choices and a reason for setting limits.

Example: You just hit your sister, Jesse. That behavior makes me angry.

2. State the rules again, and your knowledge of what actually happened.

Example: We do not hit in this family. I know that she was irritating you, but you need to use your words and not hit.

3. State the consequences for the misbehavior. Be clear, direct, fair, and consistent. Don’t give in. Include a way that your child can redeem him- or herself.

Example: I want you to take a time out for 8 minutes. Think about why you did what you did, and what you could have said to your sister instead of hitting her. I want you to also come up with an apology to say to your sister. I’ll set the timer.

4. Use punishment if necessary.

5. Problem Solve.

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