chapter 9 staying close
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Chapter 9 Staying Close. Maintaining Relationships. Activate your Brain. What does it mean to maintain a relationship? Which of these statements is true? Relationships stay together unless something tears them apart. Relationships require effort or else they fall apart. - PowerPoint PPT PresentationTRANSCRIPT
Chapter 9Staying Close Staying Close
Maintaining Maintaining Relationships Relationships
Activate your BrainWhat does it mean to maintain a relationship?Which of these statements is true?
◦Relationships stay together unless something tears them apart.
◦Relationships require effort or else they fall apart.
What is the most important aspect of maintaining a romantic relationship?
What is the most important aspect of maintaining a friendship?
Why do approximately 50% of marriages in the US end in divorce?
Defining Relational Maintenance
Relational Maintenance: Four common definitions keeping a relationship in existence keeping a relationship in a specified state or
condition keeping a relationship in satisfactory condition keeping a relationship in repair (prevent and repair
problems)
Basically, “keeping a relationship at a desired level” (e.g., professional, or casual friend, or romantic)
Maintenance can be strategic or routine (pp. 212-213)
Two Overarching Two Overarching PerspectivesPerspectives
Centrifugal Perspective: ◦Relationships require
maintenance or else they deteriorate
Centripetal Perspective: ◦Established relationships
are automatically maintained unless something tears them apart
Box 9.3, p. 215
Prosocial Maintenance Prosocial Maintenance BehaviorsBehaviors
Stafford & Canary (Married & Dating Couples)oPositivity: o Making interactions pleasant and enjoyable
oOpenness: o Self-disclosure, sharing secrets, and routine talk
oAssurances: o Giving each other assurances about commitment
oSocial Networking: o Spending time with each other’s social network
oTask Sharing: o Performing routine tasks and o chores relationship together
Additional Maintenance Additional Maintenance BehaviorsBehaviorsoSupportiveness: o Giving social support and encouragement
o Joint Activities:o Engaging in activities and spending time together
oRomance and Affection: o Revealing positive, caring feelings for each other
oHumor: o Using inside jokes and other forms of humor
oConstructive Conflict Management: o Promote problem-solving and harmony
Antisocial Maintenance Antisocial Maintenance BehaviorsBehaviorsFrom Box 9.2 (p. 210)oAvoidanceoNo flirtingoTalking about others (esp. a partner)oJealousy inductionoSpyingoInfidelityoAllowing controloDestructive conflict
In sum--In sum--Prosocial Maintenance Behaviors..
predict whether couples stay together or break up.
are positively associated with relational satisfaction and commitment (especially positivity, assurances, & social networking).
Antisocial Maintenance Behaviors Manipulative and controlling Why would a partner ever use these behaviors?
They decrease satisfaction and even sometimes lead to termination
When used as “maintenance” they are attempts to control the partner (prevent breaking up), make partner see you as more desirable, to avoid conflict, or keep relationship at “desired level” of intimacy or closeness.
Modality of Maintenance Modality of Maintenance BehaviorBehaviorModality = channel of
communication◦ Face-to-face or mediated◦ Some maintenance behaviors can be done
in both modalities but others cannot (e.g., task sharing such as working on a paper together vs. doing dishes)
◦ Facebook users tend to send messages of assurance and positivity
◦ Close friends and romantic partners need more than just Facebook to maintain intimacy.
Maintenance Behaviors in Maintenance Behaviors in Online RelationshipsOnline Relationships
Wright (2004)—openness and positivity most frequently used
Types of relationships (Rabby, 2007)◦ Virtual relationships◦ Pinocchio relationship◦ Cyber emigrant relationships◦ Real world relationships
Virtual-only group least maintenance behavior unless highly committed
How do we end a relationship in a social networking site?
Maintenance Behaviors in Maintenance Behaviors in Romantic RelationshipsRomantic Relationships
Openness, assurances, and positivity seem to be most common
However, patterns change overtime:◦ As become more committed, may provide
more assurances, share more tasks, and integrate social networks
◦ Dating, more mediated communication◦ Openness and positivity may peak before
full commitment (marriage)◦ Once married, maintenance
may be curvilinear
Maintenance in Same-Sex Maintenance in Same-Sex FriendshipsFriendships
Girls value communication—talking (35% of 10-17 year-old girls said giving up telephone most difficult).
Boys value engaging in activity—doing (only 6.5% said giving up telephone would be most difficult)
The “doing” versus “talking” distinction extends to adult friendships of men and women.
However, differences in men’s & women’s friendships not that dramatic; more similarity than difference.
Challenges in Maintaining Cross-Challenges in Maintaining Cross-Sex FriendshipsSex FriendshipsEmotional Bond Challenge
◦ People are socialized to see members of the opposite sex as romantic partners
◦ Feelings of closeness can beconfused with romance
Sexual Challenge◦ Sexual attraction ◦ One or both may desire a sexual relationship
Public Presentation Challenge◦ Having to “explain” the friendship ◦ Jealousy from romantic partners
Maintenance in Cross-Sex Maintenance in Cross-Sex Friendships with Romantic Friendships with Romantic IntentIntentStrictly Platonic
◦ Less joint activity & flirtation, but more talk about outside relationships
Mutual Romance◦ Most maintenance behavior
Desires Romance (Partner doesn’t want romance)◦ High level of maintenance but least likely to
talk about the relationshipRejects Romance (Partner wants romance)
o Less joint activity & flirtation, but more talk about outside relationships
Reasons for Keeping a Cross-Reasons for Keeping a Cross-Sex Friendship PlatonicSex Friendship Platonic
safeguarding the relationship◦most common
not attracted network disapproval third party relationship risk aversion time out
Maintaining “Friends with Maintaining “Friends with Benefits” RelationshipBenefits” Relationship48%-68% of college students have had at least one
friends-with-benefits relationship.Advantages: sex with trusted other but no
commitmentDisadvantages: fear of romantic feelings (or hurt)Maintaining FWB relationships includes rules to
regulate:◦ emotional attachment
no jealousy◦ sexual activity◦ communication◦ secrecy◦ permanence/sex temporary ◦ value of the friendship
Women value friends, men value benefits
Maintenance in Long-Distance Maintenance in Long-Distance RelationshipsRelationshipsBetween 25% to 40% of college students’
romantic relationships are long-distance (2001).
Despite less face-to-face communication, many LDRs are satisfying (and partners report strong love), in part because:◦ IdealizationIdealization
partners can control the communication partners often on their “best behavior”
when together prepare for time together
The Dialectical Perspective
Relationships are dynamic rather than static entities.
In healthy relationships people adapt to one another’s changing needs by managing dialectical tensions.
Dialectical TensionsPeople experience dialectical
tension when they want to fulfill seemingly contradictory needs
Dialectical tensions have both internal and external manifestations Internal: interaction within the relational dyad
External: how the couple interacts with people outside of the dyad
Baxter’s Typology of Dialectical Tensions
Integration- Stability- Expression-Separation Change Privacy
Internal
External
Connection- Autonomy
Predictability-Novelty
Openness- Closedness
Inclusion- Seclusion
Conventionality- Uniqueness
Revelation- Concealment
Dialectic of Dialectic of Integration-SeparationIntegration-Separation
Connection-Autonomy: Individuals want to be close to their partners, but they also want personal freedom
Inclusion-Seclusion: Couples want to spend time with their social network but they also want time alone
Dialectic of Dialectic of Stability-ChangeStability-Change
Predictability-Novelty: Individuals want routine and consistency in their relationships/partners, but also want spontaneity and novelty.
Conventionality-Uniqueness: Couples want to adhere to social norms to fit in with others, but they also want to see themselves as special and unique.
Dialectic of Dialectic of Expression-PrivacyExpression-Privacy
Openness-Closedness: Individuals want to feel free to self-disclose but also to keep some secrets.
Revelation-Concealment: Couples want to talk about their relationships with their social networks, but they also want to keep some aspects of their relationships private.
Managing Dialectical Managing Dialectical TensionsTensions
Selection: Deciding to value one side of the dialectic more than the other
Separation: Favoring different sides of the dialectic at different times◦ Cyclic Alternation: cycling back and forth
between the two sides
◦ Topical Segmentation: emphasizing different sides of the dialectic based on topic or context
Managing Dialectical Managing Dialectical Tensions, cont.Tensions, cont.
Neutralization: avoiding full engagement of either side of the dialectic•Moderation: striving to reach a
midpoint•Disqualification: striving to be
ambiguous so neither side of the dialectic is engaged
Reframing: adjusting perceptions so that the dialectics are viewed as complementary rather than contradictory
Probably the best strategy overall
Rawlins’ Dialectical Tensions in Friendshipsindependent-dependent expressive-protection judgment-acceptance affection-instrumentality public-private ideal-real