Chapter 5Chapter 5Getting CloserGetting Closer

Initiating and Intensifying Relationships

Activate your brainActivate your brain Which of the following are examples of Which of the following are examples of

self-disclosure? Why?self-disclosure? Why?– ““I am a communication major.”I am a communication major.”– ““I grew up in a small town.”I grew up in a small town.”– ““I have had several sexual partners.”I have had several sexual partners.”– ““My parents got divorced when I was only My parents got divorced when I was only

five years old.”five years old.”– ““I was pregnant once but had a I was pregnant once but had a

miscarriage.”miscarriage.”– ““I occasionally smoke marijuana.”I occasionally smoke marijuana.”

Assess Your SkillsAssess Your SkillsRate yourself: 1 = poor at this; 5 = good at Rate yourself: 1 = poor at this; 5 = good at

thisthis– Asking or suggesting to someone new Asking or suggesting to someone new

that you get together and do somethingthat you get together and do something– Telling someone you don’t like a certain Telling someone you don’t like a certain

way he/she has been treating youway he/she has been treating you– Telling others things that secretly make Telling others things that secretly make

you feel anxious or afraidyou feel anxious or afraid– Being a good and sensitive listener for Being a good and sensitive listener for

someone who is upsetsomeone who is upset– Being able to put resentful feelings Being able to put resentful feelings

aside during a fightaside during a fight

How People Develop New How People Develop New RelationshipsRelationships

Skills:Skills:– Relationship InitiationRelationship Initiation

Approaching others, good first impressions, Approaching others, good first impressions, introductions, initiating conversations, invitationsintroductions, initiating conversations, invitations

– Self-disclosureSelf-disclosure Appropriate depth, amount, and timing of Appropriate depth, amount, and timing of

disclosure disclosure

– Providing Emotional SupportProviding Emotional Support Ability to respond appropriately to emotional Ability to respond appropriately to emotional

needs of others—validate feelings and needs of others—validate feelings and sometimes offer (but not impose) advicesometimes offer (but not impose) advice

– Responsiveness: shows care, concern, and Responsiveness: shows care, concern, and liking or respectliking or respect

Skills, cont.Skills, cont.– Negative AssertionNegative Assertion

When there is a control or power struggle, being When there is a control or power struggle, being able to assert one’s preferences, decisions, able to assert one’s preferences, decisions, needs, etc. constructively (face-saving)needs, etc. constructively (face-saving)

– Conflict ManagementConflict Management Conflict = real or perceived incompatible goalsConflict = real or perceived incompatible goals In early phases of relationships, people are on In early phases of relationships, people are on

best behavior and tend to avoid disagreements. best behavior and tend to avoid disagreements. As relationships develop, interdependence As relationships develop, interdependence invites goal conflict. Why?invites goal conflict. Why?

Skills = The ability to listen to partner, Skills = The ability to listen to partner, understand his/her perspective (even when understand his/her perspective (even when don’t agree), and refrain from expressing hostile don’t agree), and refrain from expressing hostile feelingsfeelings

Are you skilled?Are you skilled?Communication skills Communication skills (Box 5.1, pp. 100-102)(Box 5.1, pp. 100-102)

How did you rate yourself?How did you rate yourself? Asking or suggesting to someone new that you Asking or suggesting to someone new that you

get together and do something (rel. initiation get together and do something (rel. initiation skill)skill)

Telling someone you don’t like a certain way Telling someone you don’t like a certain way he/she has been treating you (neg. assertion he/she has been treating you (neg. assertion skill)skill)

Telling others things that secretly make you feel Telling others things that secretly make you feel anxious or afraid (self-disclosure skill)anxious or afraid (self-disclosure skill)

Being a good and sensitive listener for someone Being a good and sensitive listener for someone who is upset (emotional support skill)who is upset (emotional support skill)

Being able to put resentful feelings aside during Being able to put resentful feelings aside during a fight (conflict management skill)a fight (conflict management skill)

Note--Note-- Remember—skills without Remember—skills without motivationmotivation

are uselessare useless It takes effort to listen, to avoid just It takes effort to listen, to avoid just

saying “get over it,” to reveal your saying “get over it,” to reveal your feelings, or to keep the sarcasm out feelings, or to keep the sarcasm out of your voice during conflict.of your voice during conflict.

Self-DisclosureSelf-Disclosure Textbook

Self-disclosure: verbal communication that reveals something about the self to about the self to othersothers

Metts Self-disclosure: verbal communication

that reveals something about the self that would not otherwise be known and that carries some degree of risk.

Why include not otherwise known? Risk to whom?

Which of the following would meet the Which of the following would meet the textbook’s definition of self-disclosuretextbook’s definition of self-disclosure

– I am a communication major.”I am a communication major.”– ““I grew up in a small town.”I grew up in a small town.”– ““I have had several sexual partners.”I have had several sexual partners.”– ““My parents got divorced when I was My parents got divorced when I was

only five years old.”only five years old.”– I was pregnant once but had a I was pregnant once but had a

miscarriage.miscarriage.– I occasionally smoke marijuana.I occasionally smoke marijuana.

Which would meet Metts’ definition?Which would meet Metts’ definition?

Dimensions of Self-disclosure Dimensions of Self-disclosure Breadth and depthBreadth and depth: : Onion Onion

metaphormetaphor

Dimensions, cont.Dimensions, cont. FrequencyFrequency: :

– How often self-disclosure occurs in a relationship (friendship, romance, family, co-workers) (Is online easier than face-to-face)?

DurationDuration::– Length of self-disclosure episode (in

friendships, more important than frequency)

ValenceValence::– Positive or negative content– Probably more of a continuum than

either/or VeracityVeracity: Can untrue information be self-

disclosure?

Risks Associated with Self-DisclosureRisks Associated with Self-Disclosure

Self-disclosure within a dialectical Self-disclosure within a dialectical perspectiveperspective

Openness vs. closednessOpenness vs. closedness Fear of exposure or rejectionFear of exposure or rejection Fear of retaliation or angry Fear of retaliation or angry

responsesresponses Fear of loss of controlFear of loss of control Fear of losing individuality Fear of losing individuality

Self-disclosure & Liking Self-disclosure & Liking (Box 5.2, p. 108)(Box 5.2, p. 108)

The Disclosure-Liking Hypothesis:The Disclosure-Liking Hypothesis: When people self-disclose to one When people self-disclose to one another, they tend to like one another, they tend to like one

another another moremore The Liking-Disclosure Hypothesis:

When people like someone, they When people like someone, they tend to tend to self-disclose to her/him moreself-disclose to her/him more

When doesn’t self-disclosure lead to liking? (Box 5.2 cont.) Too Much Disclosure Too Early Too Much Disclosure Too Early

Violates social normsViolates social norms Indiscriminant Disclosure Indiscriminant Disclosure

When revealer seems to tell When revealer seems to tell everyone everyone everythingeverything Negative Responses to Disclosure Negative Responses to Disclosure

People are uncomfortable when People are uncomfortable when disclosure is disclosure is not reciprocated or is not reciprocated or is belittled and criticizedbelittled and criticized

Examples?Examples?

Reciprocity of Self-disclosureReciprocity of Self-disclosure

The Dyadic EffectThe Dyadic Effect– In the initial stages of relationships, self-In the initial stages of relationships, self-

disclosure is often reciprocal—Why?disclosure is often reciprocal—Why? social exchange explanationsocial exchange explanation

– Balance costs (vulnerability) & rewards (trust) Balance costs (vulnerability) & rewards (trust)

uncertainty reductionuncertainty reduction model on other’s behavior to be socially model on other’s behavior to be socially

appropriateappropriate

Couples who believe they reciprocate Couples who believe they reciprocate self-disclosure are more satisfied.self-disclosure are more satisfied.– Note that the reciprocated disclosure can Note that the reciprocated disclosure can

be delayedbe delayed

Stages of Relationship Stages of Relationship DevelopmentDevelopment

Knapp’s Staircase Model:Knapp’s Staircase Model: Stages of Coming TogetherStages of Coming Together Stages of Coming Apart Stages of Coming Apart Space between each stage is Space between each stage is

“stabilizing”“stabilizing”

Knapp’s Staircase Model

““Coming Together” StagesComing Together” Stages

Stage 1: Stage 1: Initiating Initial encountersInitial encounters Greeting rituals/opening linesGreeting rituals/opening lines Social politeness & Social politeness &

impression managementimpression management

Predicted Outcome Value TheoryPredicted Outcome Value Theory

Stage 2: Experimenting Small talk (breadth over depth)Small talk (breadth over depth) Establishing similarities and differencesEstablishing similarities and differences Most relationships do not move beyond this stageMost relationships do not move beyond this stage

Stage 3: Stage 3: Intensifying In-depth disclosure and In-depth disclosure and

emotional expressionemotional expression Verbal statements ofVerbal statements of

CommitmentCommitment Using future tenseUsing future tense Using “we” instead of “I”Using “we” instead of “I”

Stage 4: Integrating Coupling – Coupling –

– both within and outside the dyadboth within and outside the dyad Social networks often mergeSocial networks often merge Attitudes and preferences often mergeAttitudes and preferences often merge Can sometimes finish each other’s sentencesCan sometimes finish each other’s sentences

Stage 5: BondingPublic commitment via social ritualPublic commitment via social ritual

Marriage is paradigm caseMarriage is paradigm case Businesses can mergeBusinesses can merge and create bondingand create bonding Civic UnionsCivic Unions

Relationship becomesRelationship becomes “ “institutionalized”institutionalized”

Significant barriers to breakup Significant barriers to breakup

Text says that friends can do bonding with Text says that friends can do bonding with tattoos, but Knapp would say that is not a tattoos, but Knapp would say that is not a good example. good example.

Critique of Stage ModelsCritique of Stage Models Some couples skip stages—at least initiallySome couples skip stages—at least initially

– May go back and move up the staircase May go back and move up the staircase againagain

Metts add: Metts add: – One person may be in one stage but the One person may be in one stage but the

other is in a different stageother is in a different stage– Doesn’t include indicators of satisfaction Doesn’t include indicators of satisfaction

or qualityor quality Relationship might progress according Relationship might progress according

to stage descriptions, but not be to stage descriptions, but not be satisfying to couplesatisfying to couple

Turning PointsTurning Points Turning points are any event or Turning points are any event or

occurrence that is associated with occurrence that is associated with change in a relationship change in a relationship (e.g.,commitment, satisfaction)(e.g.,commitment, satisfaction)

In contrast to stage approaches, the In contrast to stage approaches, the turning point approach is nonlinear turning point approach is nonlinear

Studies suggest that around 50-60% Studies suggest that around 50-60% of close relationships follow a of close relationships follow a nonlinear developmental pathnonlinear developmental path

Types of Turning PointsTypes of Turning Points Communication-basedCommunication-based

– Get-to-know time; quality/intimate Get-to-know time; quality/intimate communicationcommunication

Activities and Special OccasionsActivities and Special Occasions Passion Passion (e.g., first sex)(e.g., first sex) Romantic Relationship Transitions Romantic Relationship Transitions

(e.g., love at first sight, expressing love)(e.g., love at first sight, expressing love) Commitment and ExclusivityCommitment and Exclusivity

– external competition, serious external competition, serious commitmentcommitment

Changes in Families and Social Changes in Families and Social NetworksNetworks– Changes in family membership (blended Changes in family membership (blended

family; new baby)family; new baby)– Interference from a romantic partner or Interference from a romantic partner or

other third party in friendshipother third party in friendship Proximity and DistanceProximity and Distance

– Separations and reunionsSeparations and reunions– Distance/independence from parentsDistance/independence from parents– Becoming roommates (friends)Becoming roommates (friends)– Moving in together or moving out Moving in together or moving out

Crisis and ConflictCrisis and Conflict– Conflict and disengagement (first big Conflict and disengagement (first big

fight; breaking up)fight; breaking up)– Crisis situations, support or sacrificeCrisis situations, support or sacrifice– Making upMaking up

Perceptual ChangesPerceptual Changes– Positive psychic changePositive psychic change– Negative psychic changeNegative psychic change

A Turning Point Analysis (p. 109)A Turning Point Analysis (p. 109)

First DatesFirst Dates Dating Scripts (what is a script(what is a script?)?)

– Traditional sex-rolesTraditional sex-roles– Are these traditions changing? (83% of Are these traditions changing? (83% of

men reported being asked out on a first men reported being asked out on a first date by a woman; Mongeau et al., 1993—date by a woman; Mongeau et al., 1993—what about 2012?)what about 2012?)

– Views of women who initiate? Views of women who initiate? Expectations of men?Expectations of men?

Men desire and expect Men desire and expect more sexual activitymore sexual activityon first date!! Who knew? on first date!! Who knew?

Goals for First DatesGoals for First Dates•Having funHaving fun•Reducing uncertainty about the Reducing uncertainty about the partner partner depends on relationship—depends on relationship—romance? romance? friendship? friendship? •Investigating romantic potential Investigating romantic potential •Developing friendshipDeveloping friendship•Engaging in sexual activity (males Engaging in sexual activity (males more more than females)than females)

Best date when partners share same Best date when partners share same goalsgoals

Five Things Not to Say on a First Date

First Dates, cont.First Dates, cont.

Relationship Prior to First DateRelationship Prior to First Date

Existing relationship influences goals of first Existing relationship influences goals of first date:date:– Friends vs. strangers influence efforts to Friends vs. strangers influence efforts to

reduce uncertaintyreduce uncertainty– Friends more likely to assess romantic Friends more likely to assess romantic

potential and seek sexual involvement potential and seek sexual involvement than strangers or acquaintancesthan strangers or acquaintances

– Want to have fun regardless of relationshipWant to have fun regardless of relationshipQuestion: Are traditional first date scripts still relevant to young adults? (hanging out & hooking up?)

First encounters: Metts addFirst encounters: Metts addFlirtingFlirting

Women: moving Women: moving closer, smiling, closer, smiling, sneaking glances, or sneaking glances, or tossing hair, eye-brow tossing hair, eye-brow flash, brief then flash, brief then extended gaze extended gaze

Men: gestures that get Men: gestures that get women to notice them women to notice them and imply high status, and imply high status, such as taking up such as taking up space, and open space, and open posture posture

Opening LinesOpening Lines Cute-flippant Cute-flippant (e.g., “Is (e.g., “Is

that your hair?”; “I’m easy. that your hair?”; “I’m easy. Are you?”). –least preferred Are you?”). –least preferred by womenby women

InnocuousInnocuous (“What do (“What do you think of the band?”) you think of the band?”) –more preferred by –more preferred by women than menwomen than men

Direct Direct (e.g., “It’s hot in (e.g., “It’s hot in here. Would you like to here. Would you like to go outside for a while?”)go outside for a while?”)—more preferred by —more preferred by men than womanmen than woman

Traditional sex-roles?Pantagraph article

CohabitationCohabitation Relational StabilityRelational Stability

– Lower than for marriage and more likely to Lower than for marriage and more likely to divorce if they do marrydivorce if they do marry

– Why?Why?Fewer restraints? Selection effect?

Relational QualityRelational Quality– Findings are mixed—may be due more to time Findings are mixed—may be due more to time – ““Honeymoon” phaseHoneymoon” phase

Cohabitation, cont.Cohabitation, cont. Communication PatternsCommunication Patterns

– Some evidence of conflict and violenceSome evidence of conflict and violence– But not so much just co-habiting vs. But not so much just co-habiting vs.

married as attitudes that encourage co-married as attitudes that encourage co-habiting rather than marriage: habiting rather than marriage: fear of commitment desire for a high level of autonomy negative attitudes toward marriage

Co-habiting couples who plan to marry do not differ much from married couples