Surprise Babies!

FEATURE ARTICLE

How can this be?PAGE 4Featuring Francine Pirola & Louise Elliott

SMARTLOVING

Beyond FearPAGE 26

SEASONAL NOTES

Advent and Christmas!PAGE 34

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Follow2 | December 2014

This MonthDecember 2014

We 3 St Francis Xavier

Th 4 St John Damascene

Sa 6 St Nicholas

Su 7 Advent 2 Prepare for the Lord St Ambrose

Mo 8 Feast of the Immaculate Conception of Mary

Tu 9 St Juan Diego Cuauhtlatoazin

Th 11 St Pope Damasus I

Fr 12 Our Lady of Gudadalupe

Sa 13 St Lucy

Su 14 Advent 3 Awaiting the Saviour St John of the Cross

Su 21 Advent 4 Blessed are You St Peter Canisius

Tu 23 St John of Kanty

We 24 Christmas Eve

Th 25 Christmas Day

Fr 26 Boxing Day St Stephen

Sa 27 St John the Apostle

Su 28 Holy Family Family of God Feast of the Holy Innocents

Mo 29 St Thomas Becket

We 31 St Pope Sylvester I

From the Editor...Advent is upon us! In this edition, our Christmas focus is Surprise Babies in honour of the ultimate surprise baby, Jesus.

This month’s article features the testimony of Louise Elliott, one of our readers whose ‘surprise baby’ was born a week before Christmas in 2013. The article also shares some insights into the emotional rollercoaster ride of a surpise baby with some tips and resources to help you or help you support a friend or family member on this beautiful journey.

In the seasonal notes, we have a round up of our best Advent crafts and prayers to make this time in your family special. We also have a big feature on St Nicholas (Dec 6) and how to incorporate generosity-focused fun into your family’s Christmas traditions.

Kiara PirolaEditor

From the CathFamily Team, we wish you all a blessed Christmas and we look forward to

sharing the new year with you!2014 December | 3

How can this be?“The angel said to Mary, “Do not be afraid, Mary. You will conceive in your womb and bear a son”. Mary said to the angel, “How can this be, since I do not know a man?” The angel replied, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the child to be born will be called Son of God”. Luke 1:30-35

Finding yourself pregnant ‘accidentally’ is the just the beginning of a rollercoaster ride of intense emotion and adjustment. Complicating the situation can be external pressures that leave many women feeling overwhelmed and unsupported. What should be a time of joy and anticipation is often tainted by stress and worry.

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How can this be?A surprise baby often provides unexpected joy, but that doesn’t mean you should sweep your turbulent emotions under the rug. We feature the testimony of Louise Elliott who, with her husband Mark, welcomed their fourth child into their family a week before Christmas last year. We hope you’ll find their story encouraging.

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Letting go of control... reluctantly

I remember holding Harry as a newborn and thinking ‘I want one more’. But we were in the tunnel; we had three young kids and were busy. Another child just didn’t seem to be workable.

I kept thinking that even if we decided we did want another one, I felt like I couldn’t give enough to the other three as it was. I had started working at a new job and everything was on track financially and professionally.

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Mark and I discussed it a number of times but the answer was always, no… no… no… too late now… I was resolved to the fact that there wasn’t going to be another one and we were so blessed with the kids that we had.

One day my colleague dropped a CD on my desk as ‘something to listen to in the car’. It was a talk by Dr Janet Smith.* So I listened to the CD car and bells were ringing.

A while later when we were driving to the snow fields for a holiday, I realised that I was out of the Pill. It was Sunday, and the pharmacy was closed. Mark said “Don’t worry about it.” And I asked him if he was sure and he still said “Don’t worry about it.” I knew the Pill was making me feel unwell as I was getting pretty bad headaches. So we made this conscious decision then and there that there would be no more Pill.

*Dr Janet Smith, Contraception: Why Not?

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Adjusting to the shockDiscovering that you have an unplanned pregnancy can be traumatic. If you feel shocked, numb, or like

the world is falling apart, that’s pretty normal! You have a new reality to adjust to and it is okay not to be excited immediately. It will take a little while for these emotions to subside so don’t be too hard on yourself.

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When we found out I was pregnant, all I was thinking was “Oh my God! How is this going to work?” I found Mark and said “There’s something I have to tell you.” And he said, “You’re pregnant aren’t you?” I said “Yes.” He was silent for about three seconds and after that three seconds up until today, he has not stopped smiling. He was instantly okay with it. I’m over here going, “But what are we going to DO?” he just said “We’ll just do what we did with the other three. We did well with them. It will be fine.”

I’m fast-fowarding to what about work? How is mum (my back up childcarer) going to fit an extra kid in the car? All these things to worry about! I’m the control-freak and panicker, but Mark is the total opposite. If there had been two of me in the relationship, I would have been an absolute mess. But he was so calm, so okay with it.

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Grieving Lost Dreams

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Grieving Lost Dreams

After the initial shock has worn off, you may find yourself in the midst of significant grief. This is also perfectly normal. You had plans, you had things sorted. You felt secure and had it all worked out. You were looking forward to being able to throw yourself into a career, going on holidays, that convertible you’d always wanted… whatever your dreams were they are now not going to be the same.

We have a lot of emotion invested in our dreams and plans, and when something unexpected like a job loss or a surprise baby happens, we have to go through a grieving process to let go of our dreams and form new ones.

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Some helpful things to help you move through this process are:

One day at a time. Jumping too far ahead into the future can leave you feeling overwhelmed. If you have a tendency to do this, make a habit of gently bringing it back to the present. Taking things one day at a time is a good practice for everyday life, but is especially important when the future holds many unknowns.

Naming the emotions. Whatever it is you are feeling; anger, resentment, sadness… don’t try and bottle it away. Suppressed emotions can return to haunt us and sabotage our relationships when our guard is down. Acknowledging the emotion gives us power over it. Naming unpleasant emotions allows us transform them into positive ones.

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Focus on what you are gaining.A brand new human being is about to arrive! A habit of acknowledging the positives in every situation and being grateful for them is an essential practice for improving your wellbeing in general. It might be hard to develop this habit in difficult times, but it is well worth it. For more on the power of gratitude, see CathFamily’s article: Grateful.

Don’t be afraid to get help.If you find yourself struggling with the grief process or locked in persistent, painful emotions, now is the time to seek some professional help. It will do both you and your baby a huge amount of good to get yourself into a more positive and peaceful space. Select your counsellor or therapist carefully however. See the page on Pregnancy Resources for a starting point.

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The Joy BombIf you could summarise Patrick in one word, it is joy. If you could bottle Patrick’s joy and sell it, we’d be multi-billionaires. You can get all these books and things on how to find happiness, but nope! All you need is a drop of Patrick! The older kids just adore him. When they come home from school, he just kicks up a gear and lights up. There is just constant interactions of giggling and fights over who gets to sit next to Paddy in the car. Everywhere little Patrick goes, he’s the centre of attention, whether it’s the mums at school, family friends or whoever, he just takes it in his stride and puts smiles on everyone’s faces.

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Building a positive networkThe last thing you need when you’re in the midst of these kinds of emotions is a negative and unsupportive social network. Be intentional about who you interact with, and as much as possible, make it positive. You don’t have to totally cut people out of your life, but be intentional about keeping company that is positive and genuinely supportive to counterbalance any negativity.

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Mixed ReactionsThe most negative reaction I got was from various acquaintances when, after telling

them, the look of absolute horror on their faces that said, “Oh my God, I am so glad it’s

you and not me! I couldn’t cope with another child. You must be mad!” I’d see that look, and

that’s when I’d know it was so okay. Whilst I worried over the details, I never felt that sense of total horror and disbelief that was on their faces.

On the other hand I also got really positive reactions too. I got a bear hug from one of the school Mums

who also has four kids and she was so excited when I told her. Every time I turn up to school with Paddy, she grabs him and cuddles and kisses him, which is wonderful to see.

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The most important social network… …is the one you live with. Sometimes husbands or partners

can not be the solid support an expectant mum needs. Sometimes they themselves are overwhelmed and cannot be that support.

Grief is a very personal process. Most husbands and wives will react and process the news of an unexpected baby differently. It’s easy to misinterpret the other’s behaviour because they are dealing with the ‘surprise’ in a way that may seem foreign or heartless.

Don’t let this situation create unnecessary tension between you. Take some time to share with each other your emotions and ask for what you need by way of support. If one or the other can’t give you the support you need at that time, that’s where supportive friends or a counsellor is vital. Tragically, sometimes an unplanned baby can be the undoing of a shaky relationship, adding to the grief and making it even more difficult to find the joy in the situation.

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The most important social network… …is the one you live with.

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God is the author of life and this is not the first time that he’s dropped surprises on unsuspecting women. So many significant figures in the Hebrew Scriptures and the New Testament are surprise babies. From Moses and Samuel, John the Baptist, to Mary herself and, of course, Jesus! A surprise baby is an invitation to draw closer to him and to trust in him. So lean on Mary; her pregnancy was the ultimate surprise baby!

You’re not alone

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People have said to me that they knew when they were done having kids. But I had not had that feeling at all. Mentally we had said, “No, it’s too late, it’s too hard, we won’t do it.” But I never had that sense that I was done. Now, after Patrick, if it worked out that I didn’t have any more kids, I’d be at peace with that. I’m not closed off to another baby, but if life worked out that way, I would be okay. I was not in that space before Patrick.Anything is possible with a little faith and trust! I am so blessed with a supportive workplace and family. Even without the support, would I still not want Paddy? Of course I do! It makes me sad that I was ready to listen to my head over the heart. But, it can be done! The joy he has given Mark and I is nothing compared to the joy he has given the kids and will continue to give.

Discovering God’s hand anew

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As Catholics, our support network is not just limited to people here with us on earth. There are all the saints in heaven too who can pray for you and who can inspire you. Here are some of our favourites to get you started:

Supernatural Social Network

• Mary… duh!

• St Joseph. Don’t forget he freaked out after hearing about Mary’s surprise baby.

• Sts Elizabeth and Zechariah were elderly when they conceived John the Baptist.

• St Gianna Beretta Molla. A mother of four who died after delaying cancer treatment to give birth to her youngest daughter.

• St Gerard Majella, a young Redemptorist who’s prayers saved a mother and her baby in difficult labour. He is the patron saint of pregnant women.

• Sts Anne & Joachim, the parents of Mary, are wonderful inspiration for grandparents

Photo from feature film The Nativity Story 2006.

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AustraliaPregnancy Help Australia

Unplanned Pregnancy Support

USASisters of Life Pregnancy Support

Pregnancy Decision Online

CanadaSisters of Life Pregnancy Support

Canadian Association of Pregnancy Support Services

UKPregnancy Help UK

If you are pregnant and need help and support, we’ve complied a list of national services that can help. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but a starting point. Each of these organisations can also direct you to other local resources.

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The visual representations of the Nativity convey tranquillity – braying cows, angels singing, Mary with immaculate presentation gracefully reclining on hay that miraculously forms a comfortable lounge.

Yet this portrayal is far from the likely reality. As a pregnant teenager, not yet married, Mary’s position is tenuous. Not only is she at risk of social ostracism, when Joseph decides to end their betrothal, it seems likely that she and her child will live in abject poverty.

Nativity Reality CheckThe intervention of angel to Joseph prevents this disaster unfolding but does not remove all challenge. A long and difficult journey to Bethlehem in her ninth month is surely inadvisable but unavoidable. A first time labour without the comfort of family women or the assistance of a midwife – something even ancient women rarely encountered.

It must have been a terrifying ordeal. And yet, Mary trusted God with sublime joy. She not only surrendered her fate into the hands of Providence, she praised God in the process – “My Soul magnifies the Lord!” [Luke 1:46]

Photo from feature film The Nativity Story 2006.24 | December 2014

www.SmartLoving.org

In our modern sanitisation of the Nativity story we often overlook the extraordinary courage and grit that Mary mustered. Talk about grace under pressure! When family life seems out of control and we feel like we are drowning… Mary invites us to draw inspiration from her example and to take comfort in her motherly embrace – she truly does know how hard it can be.

Francine Pirola is the founder of CathFamily and regular contributor and editor. She has been married to husband Byron for over 25 years and has five children. The are the co-directors the Marriage Resource centre and coauthors of the SmartLoving series. She is also the author of the My School Diary Series that is used by 100,000 catholic school students around Australia.

www.LivingWellMedia.com.au

Kiara is the Editor of CathFamily. A self-taught graphic designer, she studied Politics and History at the University of Notre Dame in Sydney. She is currently undertaking a Masters at UNSW.

About the Authors

2014 December | 25

Beyond FearBy Francine & Byron Priola

The fear of an unplanned pregnancy is one of the prevailing realities of modern coupledom. No matter how much we love babies, how much we trust in God’s providence, almost every couple will at some time have tasted the anxiety of possible pregnancy at the wrong time. For some couples, the anxiety may be persistent over many years as they deal with a mental illness, a child with a demanding disability, chronic unemployment or any number of other unavoidable challenges.

For many couples, the fear is grounded in things over which we perhaps do have some control. For example, an unhealthy attachment to financial security or material comforts, over-parenting existing children, or a zealous commitment to career achievement can all lead couples to conclude that another baby at this time would be a disaster.

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In truth, for most of us, it’s not so much a fear of another baby, but a fear of losing something we value: control, a lifestyle, career affirmation, social acceptance, etc. When we focus on better and more reliable birth control as a solution, it’s only treating a symptom, not the root cause.

The thing is, no matter how logical or justified, fear is crippling. It robs us of our peace and stifles our spontaneity.In a marriage, a fear of pregnancy and its consequences can do serious harm to the couple’s sexual intimacy. It undermines the trust in the relationship leading spouses to withdraw from each other and withhold their fertility from the gift of their exchange. The wounds of rejection and distrust can fester, causing long term division and relationship stagnation.

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear”

1 John 4:18

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We often think that the opposite of love is hate. In Christian theology, the opposite of love is fear. How do love and fear

interact? Love implies a willingness to accept

suffering for the sake of another. When we

fear that that our resources are at

their limit and our capacity to cope is exhausted, it is natural to pull back.

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However, many of our limitations are self-imposed. We assume that without money to buy essentials for our children, it would be a disaster to have another baby. Yet what we classify as ‘essential’ is often overstated.

We fear that another child will overtax us psychologically, but we often are unwilling to address other factors in our life that are adding stress but which we tolerate because we are unwilling to surrender a certain lifestyle or social status.For the apostle John, God is Love (1 John 4:8) and God is Love perfected. When he says that ‘perfect love casts out fear’, he is saying that God casts out fear. When he says that ‘there is no fear in love’, he is saying that God has no fear; that fear simply cannot exist in the presence of God’s immense love.

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God’s unshakable promise to provide grace, the spiritual strengths necessary to live holy lives, is often the last place we look for assistance when we are plagued by a fear or anxiety. God’s grace is always available if we ask for it, and the Sacrament of Matrimony is a particularly powerful channel through grace is delivered.

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Questions for Reflection1. On a scale of 0-10, how open are you to

the possibility of another baby? (0 = completely closed, 10 = can’t wait)

2. For anything under 9, what are your main concerns? What do you fear might happen if you had another baby?

Talk about it together and take your concerns to prayer. Ask the Lord to displace your fear with love and to give you the graces needed to live free of fear.

NB: A note for infertile/subfertile couples. For you, the fear of childlessness can be just as crippling as the fear of pregnancy is for fertile couples. You can adapt the Reflection Questions as follows:

1. On a scale of 0-10, how comfortable are you with the possibility of childlessness? (0 = it’s overwhelmingly terrifying, 10 = completely at peace)

2. For anything under 9, what are your main concerns? What do you fear might happen if you were unable to have a baby?

Seminars | Resources | ArticlesFind out more about Catholic marriage and how you can enjoy

deeper intimacy and spiritual connection.

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SEASONAL NOTES

CRAFT & PRAY | ADVENTAdvent WreathThe lighting of Advent candles is an old tradition that many families and churches use to focus the prayer of the community on the approaching feast of Christmas. We have 3 different twists on the Advent wreath that come with prayers and free printable instructions.

CRAFT & PRAY | ADVENTThe Jesse TreeA constellation of traditions exist to mark the miraculous event of Christmas. The Jesse Tree is one such tradition. It’s the perfect complement to the great ‘Season of Saints’ in early November. In the Jesse Tree tradition, we commemorate the spiritual ancestors of Jesus.

All this and more can be found at www.CathFamily.org

RECIPE | ADVENTGingerbread NativityGive the Christmas tradition of a gingerbread house a more spiritual twist by making a ginger bread nativity instead! Comes with free printable instructions for a basic model.

The season of Advent starts on November 30 this year. If it has snuck up on you this year, do not despair! CathFamily is here! We have a whole host of simple craft and prayer traditions that you can incorporate into your family’s traditions at any time with minimal stress. From the Jesse Tree, to Advent wreaths, to tips on gift-giving; have a browse and be inspired!

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BE INSPIREDSt Nicholas: Saint of GenerosityWidely celebrated in Europe, St. Nicholas’ feast day (Dec 6), has kept alive the stories of his goodness and generosity. Where devotion to St. Nicholas is prominent, his feast day rather than Christmas, is the primary gift-giving day...

PRAYSt Nicholas Candy Cane BlessingCelebrate the saint of generosity with a prayer and a blessing on St Nicholas’ feast day. It’s a great help to reinforce the focus on Jesus and on virtues like generosity and love.

For more ideas and inspiration visit www.CathFamily.org

CRAFT St Nicholas Candy Cane HolderDid you know candy canes are tradtional sweets for St Nicholas’s day? The hooked shape represents a bishop’s crozier. This simple craft is a great activity to mark St Nicholas’s day.

St Nicholas’ Day is widely celebrated in Europe as a major gift-giving day. It is a wonderful child-focused holiday that is embedded with virtues such as generosity, courage and love. If you are looking to try and cut the commercialism out of Christmas, St Nicholas is on your side! So break out the Catholic Heritage.

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