catered affair (script)
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"A CATERED AFFAIR"Book by Harvey Fierstein
Music and Lyrics by John Bucchino
Based on the Turner Entertainment motion picture distributed by WarnerBrothers
and written by Gore Vidal, and the original teleplay by PaddyChayefsky
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2A CATERED AFFAIR
CAST:AGGIE - mother of the brideTOM - father of the brideJANEY - the brideRALPH - the groomWINSTON - uncle of the brideMR. HALLORAN - groom's father, doubles as SAM thecab driverPASHA - neighbor, doubles as MRS. HALLORAN - groom'smotherMYRA - neighbor, doubles as WEDDING DRESS SALESWOMANDOLORES - neighbor, doubles as THE CATERERALICE - Janey's best friend, doubles as ARMYSergeant
NEW YORK'S SOOTH BRONX, Tuesday morning followingMemorial Day weekend and onward, 1953.
MUSICAL NUMBERS (in Bold)
SCENE 1 - Tenement Courtyard -SCENE 2 - Front stoop/Janey's Bedroom -"PARTNERS" - Tom & Sam, Ralph & Janey'SCENE 3 - Apartment -"RALPH AND :ME 'I - JaneySCENE 4 - Janey's Bedroom/Aggie's Bedroom"MARRIED II - AggieSCENE 5 - Tenement courtyard"WO:MEN CHATTERII - Myra, Pasha & DoloresSCENE 6 - Apartment -"NO FUSS II - AggieSCENE 7 - Apartment - dinner party"YOUR CHILDREN'S HAPPINESS II - Mr & Mrs Halloran"IMMEDIATE FAMILY" - Winston"OUR ONLY DAUGHTER II - AggieSCENE 8 - Bridal shop interior"ONE WHITE DRESS II - Janey & AggieSCENE 9 - Catering Hall"VISION II - AggieSCENE 10 - Coffee ShopSCENE 11 - Fire escape"DON'T EVER STOP SAYING 'I LOVE YOU' 'I - Janey &RalphSCENE 12 - Apartment"I STAYED" - Tom"MARRIED (REPRISE)" - AggieSCENE 13 - Apartment"CONEY ISLAND II - WinstonSCENE 14 - Front stoop"DON'T EVER STOP SAYING 'I LOVE YOU' (REPRISE}"-Ralph, Janey & Tom"CONEY ISLAND (REPRISE)" - Winston & Company
4A cityscape of Bronxapartment buildings looms against anearly morning sky.
The houselights dim.
WINSTON, dressed in a hat andcoat, enters the semi darkenedstage carrying a suitcase. HE assessesthe setting.
WINSTON(to the audience)
I stopped in to see a friend. The place was pitchblack. I says to him, ~Why don't you put on a light?"He shrugs, ~'Cause I was brought up in the dark."
WINSTON carefully places the suitcaseon the stage floor. As he does, itcues ...
A MUSICAL CHORD.
The stage is transformed to aBronx neighborhood 1953.THREE WOMEN appear in their respectiveapartment windows.
WINSTON watches frombelow.
PASHAWould you look at this laundry? Out all nightand still soaking wet.
DOLORESAnyone seen that alley cat of mine? What atramp. He eats my food but the pleasure hegives someone else.
PASHAIs that you down there Winston? You're outawful early.
MYRAOr have we caught an alley cat justsneaking back in?
WINSTONAnd top o'the'mornin' to you, too.
DOLORESDid your sister get home yet? I want to tellher I seen her on the TV last night.
MYRAWe seen her too.
MYRAYou don't have no TV.
PASHAThen it's a good thing I have friends whodo.
DOLORESWell, I couldn't believe my eyes. I was sittingon my couch, minding my own business, andsuddenly there's your sister and brother-in-lawin my living room, only they was really on theTV. Can you imagine?
MYRAThat was some beautiful shot of them right upfront.
PASHAImagine, someone in our very building invitedto the Memorial Day Services in Washington DC.That's quite an honor.
MYRADid they get to sleep overnight in the capitol?I always wanted to sleep overnight in thecapitol. Wouldn't that be fun?
DOLORESI think it's terrible, your poor nephew, losinghis young life so far from home.
PASHANot just him. All them young people.
DOLORESIt's a goddamn shame that someone has to die toget a service like that.
PASHAAnd your poor niece must be so sad losing herbig brother.
DOLORESCan't say I seen any tears when that boy brungher home last night.
MYRANow, Dolores, don't start. With her folks outof town, and her uncle out all night, it's niceJaney didn't have to come home to a big emptyapartment.
PASHAWho was the boy? That fella with the glasses,right? I seen him hanging around her a lot.
WINSTONThat is her boyfriend Ralph.
With a slight tip of his hat, WINSTONushers on...JANEY & RALPH asleep in her bed.
WINSTON (CONT'D)And he's a very respectful young man.
DOLORESA real gentleman. Walked her right up to the door.
IvlYRAAnd then got her safely upstairs.
Where he put her straight to bed.
PASHAAnd what's it to you two?
DOLORESLive and let live, I say. But her mother maynot share the same modern persuasion.
MYRAWe'll know for sure in a minute as I never seenthe boyfriend leave, but I do see the motherpulling up in a cab.
WINSTON, almost amused with thesituation, calls out ...
WINSTONJaney. Hurry. If your folks catch Ralph I'mgood as dead.
JANEYAll right. We're up!
Two nude figures bolt upright inbed: JANEY and RALPH. They areyoung, attractive and real.
RALPH sprints to pull his clotheson.
WINSTON watches the scene fromdownstage.
RALPHDid we oversleep? I told you to set the alarm.
JANEYBreathe, Ralph. You'll give yourself a coronary.
RALPHWhere's my other sock?
JANEYThey must have caught the first flight back.
RALPHI can't find my other sock.
JANEYA lifetime of paying taxes, here's their oneshot to get something back, but my folks haveto rush home to this!
RALPHJaney, my sock .. ?
JANEYThey make me crazy.
RALPHI have two shoes. I have two feet. Ergo theremust be two socks.
JANEYWe've got to get out of here.
RALPHYou've got that right.
JANEYRalph, let's get married.
RALPHLet your father catch me sockless and we'llhave to.
JANEYI mean it. Let's get married. Right now. Rightaway. What's stopping us?
RALPHYou. Every time I ask you say we should waitfor the right time.
JANEYMaybe this is the right time.
RALPHBut we agreed that next year, when I gettenure, we could afford a really cool place ...
JANEYWhat isn't cooler than living at home? The onlything worse than spending the first part of mylife in the shadow of my perfect brother wouldbe spending another day in the shadow of myperfect dead brother.
RALPHCut it out. Your folks are crazy about you.
JANEYI don't want to wake up next to them.
RALPHMarriage isn't an escape.
JANEYNo. Divorce is. But first things first.
FRONT STOOP OF THE BUILDING
TOM enters from upstage. HE andWINSTON pass each other unseen.
SAM enters from the wings.SAM
Tom, you got a minute?
TOM(calling to an unseen person alreadyin the house ... )
Go on, Aggie. I'll be right in.(back to SAM)
Thanks for bringing the cab out to get us.
(he tosses the car key to TOM)I drove your shift last night. I wasn'tplanning on working a double. So how you doing?
TOM seats himself on the suitcase.
TOMIt's been three months, but it's still hard toget my brain wrapped around.
SAMSure. Tough stuff. But here's something mightcheer you up. I didn't want to say nothing infront of the missus. Your business is yourbusiness. Pasternak's selling his share of thecab. She's all ours.
TOMThe cab? All ours?
SAMThat's what I'm saying.
TOM is silent.
SAM (CONT'D)What's the matter?
TOMIt's just ... The three of us have owned thathack together ...
SAMSo what's with the long puss?
JANEYYou don't want to marry me?
RALPHOf course I do. You know I do. This is just alittle out of nowhere.
Actually I've been thinking about it for acouple of days.
RALPHDays? Glad to know you're not rushing intoanything.
JANEYWould you listen? You know that my friend Kellyis getting married and moving to California tolive with her folks, right?
RALPHSince she's four months pregnant, it's none toosoon.
JANEYExactly why they're flying. Pr