camerone apologies and other nuisances

A PLAY IN TWO ACTS

BYA. D. CAMERONE

ART CAMERONE403 PARK AVE APT. L

RUTHERFORD NJ 07070PH 201.372,0836

CELL 201.456,2830A.CAMERONE@GMAILCOM EMAIL

Copyright ~ 1992, by Arthur Camerone

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warnedthat APOLOGIES AND OTHER NUISANCES is subject to aroyalty° It is fully protected under the copyrightlaws of the United States of America. All rightsincluding professional, amateur, motion picturesrecitation, lecturing, public reading, radiobroadcasting, television, and the right of translationinto foreign languages are strictly reserved.

APOLOGIES AND OTHER NUISANCES is slightlyrestricted. Where available, this play may be givenstage presentation by amateurs upon payment

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THE CAST

AMANDA MICHAELS

MEREDITH MICHAELS

MAUDE MICHAELS

MICHAEL MICHAELS

MICHELE MICHAELS

MAGGIE MICHAELS

DEVON OAKRIDGE

FRAN ROTHSCHILD

JOSHUA ROTHSCHILD

MRS. STEVENSON

HUBERT H. QUIGLEY

DR. GEORGE BANCROFT

DETo WALTER LIPPMAN

Meredith’s Granddaughter and Executrix

The Deceased (Seen only on videotape)

Meredith’s Widowed Sister-in-Law

Maude’s Son

Michael’s Wife

Maude’s Daughter

The Attorney

Meredith’s Life-long Friend

Fran’s Husband

Meredith’s longtime live-in housekeeper

Mortician

County Coroner

Homicide Detective

APOLOGIES AND OTHER NUISANCES

ACT I

For the full interior of MEREDITH MICHAELS’S Victorianhome see floor plans°

We are downstairs in the living room° Upstage center isan attached sun paloro There is a door, stage left, leadingto the kitchen. This door also leads to stairs which go downto the basement. The kitchen and stairs down are both offstage. Stage right is a hallway with stairs up and a foyerentrance to a front door.

MEREDITH MICHAELS is deceased just two days. Her will isquite eccentric calling for her wake to take place at herhouse.

MEREDITH’S family and friends, all supposed heirs to hersizeable fortune, are as per the terms of the will assembledat her home for the three-day wake.

It is Friday morning and the family is awaiting thedelivery of the deceased in her casket from the localundertaker.

MEREDITH’S widowed sister-in,law, MAUDE is supervising.the rearrangement of the furniture and other items thatsurround the funeral bier. The funeral bier is locatedupstage center in the sun paloro

MAUDE is busy ordering around her son, MICHAEL MICHAELSand his wife, MICHELE, as well as MAUDE’S divorced daughter,MAGGIE MICHAELS. ¯

MAUDE sits in a overstuffed highback chair as the otherthree try to follow out her confusing demands.

MAUDE

(Michael is moving the lamp to the left.) Michael, movethat floorlamp all the way to the right. (Michael does so;as he does, the still plugged in lamp wire pulis him back.)Michele, help your helpless husband--unplug that wire.(Michele does so.) Mary take down that picture. (Marydoes so.) Bring it here.

MAGGIE

(As she brings the painting to Maude.) Oh, God, this istoo morbid. Why do we have to arrange the funeral bier? Themortician should do it.

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MAUDE

(Perusing the painting.) Oh Lord, no, I insisted ondoing it myself. Don’t be so impersonal dear o o . afterall, it was Auntie Meredith’s deathbed request that the wakebe held here in her home. You should be grateful sheremembered us in her will. I wonder who got this? (Sheplaces the painting on the side of’the chair.) (To MaryMargaret) Go pick up that throw rug. (Mary Margaretsighs and does so.)

MICHAEL

(Fumbling with the lampshade as his wife squirms under atable trying to plug the wire into the outlet.) What makesyou think she left us anything? She made Amanda executrix ofthe estate.

MAUDE

Only a minor detail, son° Who else deserves the money morethan us° There are not many choices here. Meredith’s onlyblood relatives are us and Amanda. And remember, your deardeparted auntie hasn’t seem much of Amanda these past fewyears . o not with all the travelling your cousin Amandahas been doing.

MICHELE

Don’t forget the Rothschilds and Mrs. Stevenson. AuntMeredith’s letter lists them as inheritors. They have beencut in for a piece of the pie too.

MAUDE

Oh, yes, I quite forgot about the otherso Well, not toworry, my dears, Fran and Joshua Rothschild were only AuntMeredith’s friends° And Mrs° Stevenson was only herhousekeeper°

MICHAEL

(The lamp is finally set up.) Some housekeeper o . o shewon’t even come out of her room. I could have used somebreakfast this morning. What is she being paid for?

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MICHELE

Amanda said Aunt Meredith’s letter frees Mrs° Stevenson fromdoing any housekeeping chores° She is a guest here just likethe rest of USo

MAGGIE

I think finding Aunt Meredith dead was too much of a shockfor her. That is why she won’t leave her room°

MAUDE

Either way, blood is thicker than water

MAGGIE

Mother, how can you sit there and pretend this is normal. Noone holds a wake in their home any more~ And why do ~e haveto stay on the premises for the entire three days?

MICHELE

(She has been following Michael around assisting his everymove.) Are we really going to stay in the house for threedays?

MAUDE

Amanda says the letter from Meredith was quite specific as tothe instructions for the wake. All the beneficiaries arerequired to stay in the house for the duration of thethree-day wake.

MICHELE

That .means we have to sleep here with the corpse. (No oneacknowledges her comments. She looks at the platform andsteps back startled.)

MICHAEL

Mother, you know I like to take a walk every morning.Surely, it doesn’t matter if we go out for a walk orsomething.

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MAUDE

Oh, yes, it does. No one is allowed to leave the house forthe next three days. If you do, you will be automaticallydisinherited. Everyone stays put until Sunday morning. Andthen we all go to the cemetery for the internment. After thecemetery, we come back here for the reading of the willo(Looking over at the far wall.) Maggie, take down thatmirror. Michael, straighten out that bier°

MAGGIE

(Following orders~) This is all too much. What couldthat crazy old lady have been thinking about? {She dropsthe mirror° It breaks. She quickly trys to pick up thepieces.) Oh, no . . I’m sorry.

MICHELE

(Going to help her.) Be careful, Maggie° Oh .you’ve cut yourself does it hurt? here, let mehelp you.

MICHAEL

There’s seven years bad luck.

MAUDE

Good grief, Maggie. Watch what you are doing. Michele, takeher into the kitchen and rinse off that blood° (Maggie andMichele exit.) Michael, go get a broom to clean up thatmess. (Michael exits°) Good Lord, do I have to doeverything myself. (She rises. Walks over the brokenglass and fiddles with the platform and column.)

(Enter Amanda

AMANDA

Aunt Maude, is everthing all right? I heard a crash.

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MAUDE

Oh everything is just fine. Maggie had a slight mishap.(She points to the shattered glass.) That mirror felloff the wallo

AMANDA

Oh dear . 0 it was grandma’s favorite. (She bends downto pick up the frame.) It’s been in the family forgenerations. The frame seems all right.

MAUDE

Accidents will happen.upstairs?

Are Fran and Joshua all settled in

AMANDA

Yes, as per Grandma’s instructions, the Rothschilds-will bestaying in the front bedroom. Thank God this old house has"plenty of rooms. I hope you and Maggie will be comfortablein the attic bedroom. I know it’s a little cramped upthere.

MAUDE

I don’t see why we aren’t staying in Mrs. Stevenson’s room.After all there are two of us and we are kin.

AMANDA

I do hope Mrs. Stevenson is all right. She still refuses toleave her room . and she won’t talk much. I’m afraidthat she’s in shock.

MAUDE

Well if she’s in shock, she won’t know the difference. Justswitch the sleeping arrangements around and give her theattic bedroom.

AMANDA

I am afraid that would be up to Mrs. Stevenson. I’ve toldyou several times what Grandma’s letter stipulates.Mrs. Stevenson is a guest in this house for as long as shewishes to stay. She is not here to be our housekeeperanymore. Try to think of her as a member of the family.



MAUDE

A member of the family? Good Lord o . o well why not switchour room with the Rothschild’s? They aren’t family.

AMANDA

I’m not at liberty to start changing things, Aunt Maude.Grandma seems to have gone to great lengths to make thesepreparations for her wake. She seems to have taken care ofeverything including the sleeping arrangements. For the lasttime, you and Maggie share one attic bedroom; Michael and hiswife share the other.

MAUDE

Well, these arrangements seem more than a little eccentric tome. Why would Meredith make these requests of us?

AMANDA

I’m not sure. I told you everything that was in the letter.(She pulis out a paper.) I have been named executrix.We have our instructions to assemble here at the house.Everyone was give specific room assignments. No one is toleave the premises for the duration of the three-day wake°More instructions will follow after the mortician deliversthe body and casket. A lawyer will contact us. (Shehands Maude the letter.)

MAUDE

Who is this lawyer anyway? I never heard Meredith mentionhim. (Looking over the letter.) Have you actually metwith him?

AMANDA

(Taking back the letter.) No, this letter arrived bymessenger° I am not sure who he is. The letter says hisname is Mr. Oakridge. (The bell rings.) I’ll get that.(Amanda exits still holding the frame.)



MAUDE

(Walks over to the pile of broken glass.) Wherethose children? (She yells out.) MichaelMaggie--what are you doing in there?

(Enter Joshua and Fran from the stage right staircase.)

are

JOSHUA

My God, Maude, do you have to shout like that. You makeenough noise to wake the dead°

FRAN

Please, Joshua, choose your words a little more carefully°Hello, Maude, I see you are in good voice today.

MAUDE

Where are those damn children? Hello, Frano Don’t tell mewhat to do, Joshua° (Shouting even louder.) Michael .

Maggie (Enter Michele from the kitchen°)Michele, where is your husband°

MICHELE

(With broom, dust pan, and waste basket in hand.) He’sis in the kitchen having a bite to eat.

MAUDE

That boy is always thinking of his stomach. Where is Maggie?

MICHELE

She’s. outside in the backyard.mirror.)

(Michele goes to the broken

MAUDE

Outside! (She runs towards the kitchen.) She knows thatshe is not supposed to leave the house. What is wrong withthat stupid child? (Maude exits.)

JOSHUA

What happened here?



MICHELE

Picking up the pieces.) Maggie dropped a mirror .we were rearranging the sun palor furniture for the wake°

FRAN

(Still shocked by grief.) Oh, my poor dear Meredith.(Going to the bier°) I’m going to miss her so much. Shewas my one and only true friend. So kind . so gentle

so generous to a fault o when will I see you again, my~ear Meredith.

(Enter Amanda followed by the undertaker, a casket on arolling platform, six pall bearers, two at the casket, fourcarrying a TV, a VCR, a stereo and speakers and assortedfloral arrangements°)

AMANDA

(With the mirror frame still in her hand.) Right thisway, gentlemen° Everything goes over there in the sunpalor. Oh, hello, Michele.

MICHELE

(Afraid of being accused.) Maggie dropped the mirror.

AMANDA

Yes, I know° Is everything okay with your room, Fran?(Fran nods.) Joshua? (He nods as the men completetheir tasks°) Just move anything that is in your waygentlemen.

JOSHUA

(Pointing to the electronics.) Amanda, what’s the TVfor?

AMANDA

I’m not sure° (She puts the frame down.) (To themortician.) Excuse me, sir,--mister o ?



QUIGLEY

Quigley Hubert Ho Quigley at your service, ma’mo

AMANDA

Mr. Quigley are you sure the tv and stereo are part of thefuneral arrangements.

QUIGLEY

(Taking a purchase order out of his vest pocket°) Mostcertainly, ma’mo One TV with VCR and one stereo unit withfour speakers to be delivered with the deceased~ (Heshows her the order.)

JOSHUA

Are we supposed to watch TV and listen to music? .(To thecasket) Meredith, what do you have in store for us?

(Enter Michael eating the remains of is his sandwichfollowed by Maggie trying to get away from Maude who ispursuing and berating her.)

MAUDE

How could you leave the house?! You know that you are notallowed to leave the house .

MAGGIE

Mother, we are not allowed to leave the premises. Going intothe backyard is not leaving the premises. Stop yelling atme . I’m sorry, I apologize. (Maggie stops short whenshe sees the others°) Hello, Fran . . . JoshuaAmanda (she notices Michelleo) Oh, Michele, here, let mehelp you. (To Amanda) She is so clumsy that old mirrorjust slipped through her hands.

AMANDA

Yes, I know. Mr. Quigley, is there enough room foreverything?



QUIGLEY

Yes, ma’m, everything fits just right.

MICHAEL

I’ll get it. (Michele leaves Maggiebasket and goes to unpiug the lamp.)

MAUDE

Except for his lampo

with the broom and

(Seeing Maggie fumbling with the basket.)Maggie, let me help you clean this mess up.the wastebasket.) (To the men.)gentlemen something to drink? (AllQuigley)

No, thank you ma’mo We o

Come on,(Maude takes

Can I get youthe men look to

QUIGLEY

MAUDE

Oh, don’t bejiffy. Andgive me a hand in the kitchen.before Quigley can decline the offer.)

silly° I can have a pot of coffee ready in amaybe a few sandwichs too. Come along Maggie

(Maude and Maggie ~xit

MICHAEL

Where should I put this lamp?

Oh,

Okay.

AMANDA

(Pickingpicture?

I don’t know, Michael o

MICHAEL

(He slowly exits downstage right.)

MICHELE

up the items.) How about

¯ how about down the cellar°

this frame and this

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AMANDA

(Taking the mirror frame.) I’ll take this . o . thepicture can go in the cellar. (Michele and Michael exit.)

QUIGLEY

We surely appreciate your hospitality ma’m, but I am afraidwe cannot stay for coffee. Today has turned out to be quitea busy day for our little funeral home, and we must rushback. I will stop by tonight to make sure everything isrunning smoothly.

AMANDA

Of course, Mr. Quigley, I understand. Thank you, gentlemen.(the pall bearers file out.)

QUIGLEY

(As he exits.) Please feel free to call on me any hourof the day or night. (He hands her his card.) We are atyour service, ma’m.

AMANDA

Thank you. You are very kind. Let me walk you out. (Asthey exit.) There are a few questions I would like to askyou. (Exit Amanda and Quigleyo)

FRAN

Joshua, what do you think of all this?

JOSHUA

(Fiddling around with the TV.) Wow, would you look atthis. This television has a vcr built right into the bottomof it. (He looks at the back.) No wires hanging out°This is something. What will .

FRAN

Joshua, are you listening to me?

JOSHUA

Huh? Sorry, Fran, what were you saying?

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FRAN

I asked you what you think of all this.

JOSHUA

(Still preoccupied with the tv.) What do you mean?

FRAN

Well, here we are sequestered in this house attending athree-day wake for our oldest and dearest friend. Meredithnever mentioned anything to indicate she wanted suchunorthodox funeral arrangements° What is the purpose of allthis? (She starts to cry°)

JOSHUA

I don’t know

FRAN

and what does Mrs° Stevenson mean when she said itwasn’t her fault that Meredith is dead?

JOSHUA

(Going to comfort her.) It is okay my love. Mrs.Stevenson is just distraught° Cry if you want to. I’mmgoing to miss Meredith too. It is okay to feel sad that sheis gone°

FRAN

Oh my Meredith° Where did you go? Why did God take you fromus? What are you trying to tell us?

JOSHUA

Now my love, don’t upset yourself so. Meredith was a goodwoman who lead a peaceful life. She is resting in peace nowwith the Lord to comfort her. That is all we need to know.

(Enter Amanda holding a package.)

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AMANDA

(Seeing Fran distraught.)(She goes to her.)

Fran what’s wrong?

FRAN

(She rises and is overcome with grief.) Oh, Amanda o(She cries.) Amanda o (They embrace.)

JOSHUA

She’s a little confused and upset. A good cry will do hergood. She can’t seem to understand what’s happening here.

AMANDA

There . there ° now Fran . . It s okay. Everythingis going to be ~k~y. (Fran steps back and dr-ies hereyes°) I’m confused too. I’m not sure what grandma had~in mind when she set up this wake. This package just arrivedWhile I was talking to the mortician. (She looks at ito)

It’s from Mr. Oakridge, the lawyer. Let’s see what wehave here. (She peels off a letter attached to the outsideof the parcel.)

(Enter Maude and Maggie with a cart filled with coffee andsandwiches°)

MAUDE

Coffee is ready! (Noticing the funeral men are gone.)Oh dear where is everyone?

AMANDA

Mr. Quigley sends his apologies but he and the men were toobusy to stay for coffee. (She opens the letter that wasattached to the outside of the box and starts to read it.)

Hmm .



MAUDE

Oh, wello I’m sure we all could use a little refreshment.Would you like a cup of coffee, Joshua? Everyone can helpthemselves° (Maggie takes a cup and positions the cart sothat it is accessible to everyone.)

JOSHUA

Don’t mind if I do. How about you, Fran? coffee? (Frannods imperceptually and goes to the coffin°) (ToMaudeo) She is a little upset. (He goes to thecart°) The sandwiches look good° (He tries one.)Come to think of it, I didn’t have breakfast this morning.

(Enter Michael and Michele from the basement.)

MICHAEL

Boy, you should see the junk Aunt Meredith has stored’in that.basement. Some of it looks like it is i00 years old.(Noticing the food.) How nice coffee andsandwiches° I’m still starving. (He prepares a plate forhimself; Michele follows suit. Everyone but Amanda and Frantake from the food cart. Joshua makes a cup of coffee forFran and brings it over to her at the coffin.)

MAUDE

What’s in the package, Amanda? (sitting drinking coffee)

AMANDA

I’m not sure. I haven’t opened it yet. This is a letterfrom the lawyer, Mr. Oakridge. He says he will be arrivinghere late Friday afternoon. That’s today° Until then, hesends his sympathies and this parcel.

MAUDE

Are you going to open it?

AMANDA

(Reading the outside of the parcel.) Oh, yes . . . ofcourseo . (She opens it, and pulls out another letterwhich s~e proceeds to open and read.) It’s another letterfrom grandma. Let’s see . she sends her regards to



allo . o and here is a list of the contents of thepackage--two video tapes which grandma prerecorded a fewmonths ago and five compact discs of her favorite music. Oh,my o o . We are all to view tape one and await furtherinstructions. Well, that explains the TV, the VCR, and thestereo.

MICHAEL

Let’s watch the tape now° Maybe it will give us a clue as towhat’s going on here°

AMANDA

Certainly, why not o . . are we all here? Oh dear, everyoneexcept Mrs. Stevenson. Michael, be a dear and run up to herroom. Tell her about the tape, and ask her to join us.

MICHAEL

I’m eating. Michele, do me a favor° Run up to the old ladyand tell her Aunt Meredith is on the TV.

MICHELE

(Places down her coffee and goes right to the task.) Ihope she answers her door. She wouldn’t open it thismorning. (Michele exits upstairs.)

AMANDA

(To a disappearing messenger.) It’s okay if she doesn’trespond. Just tell her what we are doing° (Going towardthe VCR.) I do hope Mrs. Stevenson snaps out of it. (ToMaude.) Maybe I should call a doctor.

MAUDE

She’ll be all right. Let her sit in her room and grieve. Atleast it is big enough to pace back and forth in. (Amandais fiddling around with the TV.) Do you know how to. workthat thing, Amanda? If not, Michael can help you.



MICHAEL

Not me, I’m all thumbs when it comes to VCR’s. Michele isthe electronics expert in the family. She’ll do ito I’llcall her . Mi . . chele.

AMANDA

That’s not necessary, Michael° I already have everything allset up. (She picks up the remote control.) As soon asMichele returns with Mrs. Stevenson, we start. Fran, do youfeel up to watching this tape?

FRAN

Yes, I’ll be all right. (She hands the coffee cup toJoshua, composes herself and sits down stoically.) I’mfine.

(Coming down the stairs.)

Did she open the door?

MICHELE

Well, I told her.

MAGGIE

MICHELE

Yes, and she’s quite a fright.nightshirt, and her hair is a mess.

She was only wearing aShe kept pulling at it.

MICHAEL

Well, what did she say?

MICHELE

I’m not sure. She started wailing and beating her chest. Ithink she’s quite overcome with grief. She just mumbledsomething and closed the door. ’Joshua takes coffee duringthis then sits next to Fran.)



AMANDA

Well, let’s leave her alone for now. I’ll go up and fill herin on the details later. Have a seat, Michele, and I’llstart the tape. (Michele takes her plate and sits.)Now, let’s see how this remote works~ (She sits and startsthe tape.)

(Video monitors are downstage left and right facing theaudience. The TV monitor on stage shows the simultaneousimage. Meredith is seen and heard only on the videotape°)

MEREDITH

May the Lord lead us not into temptation and deliver us fromevilo Hello, my dear family and friends. If everything isgoing according to the scheduled plan, you are all sitting inthe living room attending my wake. I realize thesecircumstances may be a little unsettling for some_of you.So, I would like to start by assuring you that everything I~did, I did with full knowledge of the consequences and of myown free will.

If everything is as I expect it to be, Amanda has received myfirst letter informing her that she is the executrix of myestate. You are in charge, Amanda. Be sure to follow myinstructions, dear.

I hope Mrs. Stevenson is all right. I fear I may have askedtoo much of her when I planned for her to find my body. I’msure she’s locked herself in her room and refuses to comeout. Be gentle with her, Amanda. Try to explain to her whyI did what I did.

I’m also sure Fran is quite upset. Sorry, Franny, but Ididn’t let you know about my plans for this wake because Ididn’t want to burden you. I hope you and Joshua arecomfortable in your bedroom. Some of the treasures that Ihave accumulated over the years are in that room and are nowyours to keep. Please don’t be angry with me, Frano Joshua,I know you are a rock. Be strong for Fran.

I would also bet that my sister-in-law, Maude, must have madecoffee and sandwiches by now. I know Michaels is alwayshungry. Maude, don’t you try to boss Mrs. Stevenson around.She was a faithful housekeeper to me for 20 years° She is



now a guest, not a servant in my house° I hope you canaccept your attic bedroom accommodations. You can split thecontents of that room with Maggie. Likewise, Michele andMichael, the contents of your attic bedroom are yours tokeep.

At this point in time I would like you all to retire to yourrespective rooms. Please take an inventory of all theobjects in the room that you wish to keep° Meanwhile,Amanda, please view tape two by yourself. No one is to viewtape two but Amanda° Thank you all0

(The tape and all monitors show a still picture of thedeceased. All sit quietly stunned°)

MAUDE

Well, I never would have expected something like this fromMeredith.

MICHAEL

Does this mean that my entire inheritance is only a couple ofpieces of old furniture.

MAGGIE

Oh, shut up, Michael. We haven’t even buried her yet°

MICHELE

I think it was nice of her to remember me.

MAUDE

(Rising from her seat°) Let’s not discuss this now,children. It’s not the time or the place. Come on, now,everyone upstairs. We have work to do, and Amanda needs someprivacy. (Maggie and Michele rise and begin to exit.Michael remainssitting.) Michael--upstairs.

MICHAEL

(Rises and grabs more food before exiting.) I can,tbelieve we are going through all these silly games fornothing. (All start to exit except Amanda, Fran, andJoshua.)



MAGGIE

Oh, shut up, Michael~

MICHAEL

You don’t understand. My room is practically empty. Just abed and some storage boxes. (Maude, Maggie, Michael, andMichele all exit.)

(Fran sits silently staying at the TV monitor. Amandalooks over to Joshua. Joshua looks back in awkwardsilence°)

JOSHUA

Well, I guess we should give you some time by yourself.(He rises and trys to catch Fran’s eye.) What do yousay, Frannle--let s go upstairs and lie down for a while.

FRAN

(Startled out of her trance.) What? Oh, yes, of course,what did she mean . o . what did she mean by Mrs. Stevensonfinding her body? How did she know that? Why does she haveto explain what she did? What did she do? (Nooneanswers.) Did she seem content? (No one answers.)She wasn’t distraight or confused, was she?

JOSHUA

(Goes to her.) Come on, old girl, we’ll rest for half anhour. It will do us both good. (Fran rises and starts toexit stage right with Joshua.)

AMANDA

I’ll be right here if you need me, Joshua.

JOSHUA

(Over his shoulder.) Everything is just fine. Take yourtime. Do what you have to do. We’ll be upstairs resting.(They exit.)



AMANDA

(Sitting slightly disoriented, she hits the rewind buttonabsentmindedly.) Oh, dear . o 0 (The tape rewinds toMeredith on tape ,o. o Amanda, please view tape two byyourself. No one is to view tape two o o ." Amanda pressesthe stop button.) Okay, grandma, we’ll do it your way.Now where is tape two. I have to tell you, gram, I don’tunderstand what you are doing. (She removes tape one andinserts and starts tape two° She is standing in front of theonstage TV monitor with her back to the audience.)

(As before, Meredith on tape only shown on all monitors.)

MEREDITH

Amanda, my love, I hope this tape finds you well. Iunderstand if you are hurt or confused by my actions. I amgoing to have to ask you to have faith in me. Please feelsecure. You must believe that I would never do anything to.hurt you or cause you pain. (Long pause as Meredithcollects her thoughts.)

Amanda, as executrix of this will you will have to makecertain decisions that may not be easy° Although my choiceof inheritors is limited, the administration of this estateis not without problems. Most of my financial portfolioexcept for a select few items, that will be distributed amongthe family and friends, has been transferred directly toyou. While you have the legal right to liquidate theseassets, you will find that penalties and other unpleasantrieswill make any liquidation during the following 18 monthsquite unprofitable.

Let me say that I am sorry in advance for the way that I amforcing my will upon you. Apologies like other nuisances arepoor payment indeed for causing a loved one hurt and pain.Those apologies given in advance alert us to the impendingimpositions and thus we get hurt twice° Once before, andonce after. I didn’t quite know how to communicate all thisinformation to you. For now, you must put up with mycontrolling ways.

The past two years have brought many personal revelations tome. I am afraid that my reaction to these free thinkingrevelations are unorthodox and may seem or even be proven tobe dysfunctional. Either way, the previous arrangements of

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my will made many years ago when you were just a little girlhad to be changed°

YOU sees my dear Amanda, your dear old grannie did not diefrom natural causes° If everything has gone according to myplan, I have died as the result of a carefully plannedsuicide. (Enter Mrs. Stevenson downstage left.)

(Mrs. Stevenson is seen at the foot of the stairs. She isin the dishoveled state described previously by Michele. Herwide-eyed off in the distance look could be interpreted asmenancing. She stands unseen by Amanda but seened by theaudience and she listens as Meredith continues on thetape.)

Amanda, the right to take one’s life is not something I wishto convince you of 0 Let me say that each individual mustdecide by themselves whether or not to exercise that right.No one person or circumstance should force or influence anyindividual to take her lifeo That decision must come from.your soul. I made my decision to take my own life withoutany outside duress. I chose this course for myself and donot want my actions to influence anyone else to do the same°I am not apologizing for what I did, but I do want to explainmy actions to you.

Forget about what society might say about me. Tape threedocuments what I really thought. Please view it after I amburied.

For now, let me explain the method I used to end my life. Ifyou look under my bed, you will find a microwave oven. Asyou know, my heartbeat has been quite erractic and severalyears ago I had a pace maker installed. My method was quitesimple° During the last few weeks of my life, I had forgoneall my heart pills. The night I died I lay in bed and turnedthe microwave on high. (Mrs. Stevenson makes her way outto center stage, sees the TV and coffin, starts to crylouder. Amanda notices her, is startled, and drops theremote.) The rest is quite obvious. I hope you can copewith these facts and not think any the less of me .

AMANDA

Mrs. Stevenson what’s wrong?



MRS. STEVENSON

I knew she was up to something . o . I didn’t know she wasdying, though o It wasn’t my fault 0

AMANDA

(Picks up the remote and stops the tape. She goes tocomfort Mrs° Stevenson.) It isn’t your fault, Mrs.Stevenson.

MRS. STEVENSON

Yes, it is. I was the one who always put out hermedication. I knew she wasn’t taking her pills° I foundsome in trashbasketo (She cries uncontrollably°)

Pleasewrong

AMANDA

don’t blame yourself. You didn’t do anything~it wasn’t your fault that grandma wanted to die.

MRS. STEVENSON

No, I should have called the doctor° I could have savedher. (The front doorbell rings°)

AMANDA

Oh dear, who could that be? (To the door.) Who is it?(No answer° The doorbell rings again.)

MRS° STEVENSON

Oh, God forgive me . o (pleading to Amanda) MissAmanda, you must belieSe me--it wasn’t my fault--I wouldnever do anything to hurt Mrs. Michaels. (The bell ringsagain.)

AMANDA

(Rising to answer the bell.) I believe you . justsit here and relax. Everythin~ is going to be all right°(the bell rings again.) Let me see who is at the door.(to the door) I’m coming. (She exits to answer thedoor leaving Mrs. Stevenson alone with the coffin. Mrs.

2 ACTS BY AoDo CAMERONE - Pg. 22


Stevenson goes to the coffin and cries as she grieves theloss of her friend°)

(Enter Amanda with Devon Oakridge.)

DEVON

I hope I haven’t come at an inopportune time, Miss Michaels.

PleaseMr. Oakridgeo (Sheher train of thought.)

Devon°

Devon?

AMANDA

call me Amanda. Actually I am relieved to see you~looks over to Mrs. Stevenson and loses

If I’m to call you Amanda,

Why Devon?

Because it’s my first name.

Oh, yes, of course, Devon.mentioned you. How longattorney?

DEVON

AMANDA

DEVON

you must call me Devon.

AMANDA

DEVON

AMANDA

It’s seems odd that grandma neverhave you been my grandmother’s



DEVON

Not very long. I only met Mrs. Michaels six months ago whenshe walked into my office and asked me to assist her indrawing up her last will and testament. (Mrs. Stevensoncontinues to sob loudly.) Is she all right?

JOSHUA

(Appearing suddenly at the step.) Amanda, is everythingall right?

AMANDA

Actually, no . . . things are a little hectic. Would you bea dear and take Mrs. Stevenson back upstairs. (She goesover to retrieve Mrs. Stevenson from the coffin.)

Certainly. (HeRothschild.

JOSHUA

looks at Devon.) Hi, I’m Joshua

DEVON

Devon Oakridge. (He shakes hands.) Please to meet you.(Joshua looks at Amanda still holding Devon’s hand.)

AMANDA

(Leading Mrs. Stevenson to Joshua.) Mr. Oakridge isgrandma’s attorney. Please stop crying Mrs. Stevenson. Goalong with Joshua, he’s going to help you up the steps. Yougo up to your room and lie down. I wil! be up to see you ina little while. (Joshua and Mrs. Stevenson exit.)

DEVON

She seems quite distraught.

AMANDA

She looks like I feel inside. I just finished viewing tapetwo.

DEVON

Tape two?



AMANDA

Yes, tape two° You did draw up my grandmother’s will?

DEVON

Yes, I have the notorized version right here° (He pats hisbriefcase.) It’s all signed and sealed~ That’s one of thereasons why I came, to arrange when the will can be read tothe inheritors° May I ask if anyone is in that coffin?

Of course there is.

Mrs. Michaels wake?

AMANDA

Don’t you know about the wake?

DEVON

AMANDA

Yes. Oh, God, this is becoming too bizarre°

DEVON

You mean Mrs° Michaels is being waked here at her home?

AMANDA

Yes. Weren’t the funeral arrangements part of the will?

DEVON

No. This is the first I’ve heard of them. Apparently,Mrs. Michaels made these arrangements directly with theundertaker.

Devon,

AMANDA

are you aware of the contents of the videotapes?

DEVON

What video tapes?

2 ACTS BY AoD. CAMERONE - Pg0 25


AMANDA

The two tapes that you sent to me in the parcel° Did youassist my grandmother in the production of those tapes?

DEVON

The answer is no to both questions, Mrs. Michaels personallyhand delivered certain envelopes and packages to my officelast month. Everything was sealed. I never opened any ofthem, and I know nothing of their contents.

AMANDA

SO you never viewed the tapes?

DEVON

Araanda, I have no knowledge of any video tapes°- I haveforwarded one letter to you two days ago as per your.grandmother’s instructions° There was also two parcels--onesmall and one large. The larger parcel was to be deliveredtoday° I attached a cover letter to ito Did you receiveit?

AMANDA

Yes° It contained another letter from grandmotherand twovideo tapes° What happened to the second parcel?

DEVON

Your grandmother left instructions for the second smallerparcel to be delivered 12 hours after the first. Is theresomething wrong?

AMANDA

I am not sure. Are you my lawyer now?

DEVON

If you want me to be, I am. If not, you can choose any oneyou like to represent you. Is there something I should know,Amanda? (The doorbell rings°)



AMANDA

Good, Lord, what next? (The bell rings again°) Excuseme. (She goes to answer the door and Devon walks over tothe coffin.)

(Enter Amanda followed by the undertaker, Hubert Quigley;the county coroner, George Bancroft; and homicide detective,Walter Lippman.)

QUIGLEY

I’m terribly sorry, Miss Michaels, but we seem to have quitea problem here°

BANCROFT

I’ll handle this, Quigley. You have done quite enoughalready. Miss Michaels, did you arrange for the removal ofthe deceased’s body from this house?

DEVON

Is there something wrong, gentlemen?

LIPPMAN

(To Amanda°) Who’s he?

AMANDA

My grandmother’s attorney.

QUIGLEY

I told you before, Dr. Bancroft, in the event of her dying athome, the deceased prearranged for me to take her bodydirectly to the funeral parlor immediately after she diedo

LIPPMAN

Listen, Quigley, this is an official investigation. You arenot far from being charged with obstruction of justice.(To Amanda) Did you call Quigley the night yourgranmother died?



DEVON

Is Miss Michaels being charged with a crime?

LIPPMAN

Is this man your attorney, Miss Michaels?

AMANDA

He is now. As to your previous questions, no, gentlemen, Idid not call Mro Quigley. (Lippman and Devon squareoff°) Please gentlemen can we all sit down and discussthis calmly?

DEVON

Certainly, Amanda. It would be nice if I know who I wastaking to. Who are these men, Amanda?

AMANDA

(Pointing to each respective man as she reads off theirbusiness cards.) Dr. George Bancroft, county coroner;Lieutenant Walter Lippman, homicide detective; and Mr. HubertQuigley, funeral director. (To the group) GentleMen,Mr. Devon Oakridge, Esquire.

LIPPMAN

Enough with the introductions. Miss Michaels, where were youat the time of your grandmother’s death?

DEVON

Just a minute, Lieutenant Exactly what is the nature of thisinvestigation?

BANCROFT

Counselor, we are here to determine if Meredith Michaels diedfrom natural causes.

DEVON

What makes you think she didn’t?



LIPPMAN

The police have received an anomynousleading us to believe that she didn’t°

DEVON

What exactly did this woman say?

call from a woman

LIPPMAN

The call was rather confusing. The woman babbled somethingto the effect that it was not her fault that MeredithMichaels died. Then she hung up.

AMANDA

Mrs° Stevenson!

BANCROFT

AMANDA

Who is Mrs° Stevenson?

My grandmother’s housekeeper.

LIPPMAN

Do you know the whereabouts of this Mrs.

AMANDA

Yes, she lives here° She’s upstairs

BANCROFT

Do you think that we can talk to her ma’m.

There iseverythingsuicide.

Stevenson?

in her bedroom now.

AMANDA

no need to talk to her, doctor. I can tell youyou need to know. My grandmother died from a



How do you know that, ma’m?

Grandma told meo

LIPPMAN

AMANDA

BANCROFT

You were here when Meredith Michaels died?

AMANDA

No, I was out of the state at the time.

LIPPMAN

Then when did your grandmother tell you about the suicide?

AMANDA

Just a few minutes ago°

.BANCROFT

How is that, Miss Michaels?

AMANDA

She left a video tape message for me.viewing it before you arrived°

BANCROFT

(To Quigley) You prepared a suicideinforming the coroner?

QUIGLEY

I had just finished

for burial without

I had no idea that her death was not from natural causes.

BANCROFT

(Looking through a folder.) There isn’t even a deathcertificate on the body. Why is that, Quigley?



QUIGLEY

Give me a break, Bancroft, I have a full house this week. Ihad to prepare four bodies for burial in the last 48 hours.You know the paperwork is always a few days behind.

BANCROFT

All I know is that we have a beareaucratic nightmare here°Did you embalm the body?

QUIGLEY

No, the arrangements called for a closed casket. The bodyhasn’t been embalmed. It’s just wrapped in linen.

BANCROFT

Lucky for you Quigley. Miss Michaels, I’m afraid I~m goingto have to confiscate the body. We will have to perform an.autopsy to determine the exact cause of death.

AMANDA

The microwave killed her°

LIPPMAN

What?

AMANDA

My grandmother wore a pacemaker. She intentionally exposedherself to microwave radiation. She commited suicide.

BANCROFT

(Rising) This is one for the books. We are going tohave to examine the body ma’m. Come on, Quigley, give me ahand bringing in the stretcher. (Quigley and Bancroftexit.)

LIPPMAN

Did Meredith Michaels leave much of an estate, ma’m?

2 ACTS BY AoD. CAMERONE - Pgo 31


AMANDA

I’m not sure of the exact value, Lieutenant,be a sizeable sum°

DEVON

The estate is valued at close to $1.5 million°

LIPPMAN

Are there many people named in the will,

Eight people are named.

Is Mrs.

DEVON

LIPPMAN

Stevenson one of them?

DEVON

Yes, I believe so.

(Re-enter Bancroft andstretcher° They walktake out the body,stretcher, and wheelempty on the bier.)

I can’t express howMiss Michaels.

but it seems to

counselor?

Quigley with a body bag and thepassed the group, go to the coffin,

put it in the bag, put the bag on theit out. The coffin remains open and

QUIGLEY

sorry I am about these circumstances,

BANCROFT

Lippman, you tie up the loose ends here. stop by the morguelater for the autospy results. Come on, Quigley, I am notthrough with you yet. You have a few forms to fill out.(They exit with the corpse.)



LIPPMAN

How can I get in touch with the other inheritors,Mr. Oakridge?

AMANDA

Very easily, Lieutenant, they are all here in the house.They are upstairs right now°

LIPPMAN

Do you think you could ask them to come down here?a few questions that I would llke to ask them.

There are

END ACT I

2 ACTS BY AoDo CAMERONE - Pg. 33


ACT II

It is early Saturday afternoon. We are in the downstairsarea of Meredith Michaels’s home. Everything is the same asit was in Act Io The only addition is the microwave ovenwhich is clearly visible. The funeral bier still has thecoffin upon it and the other trappings are still about it.The VCR and stereo are still in place. The coffin is openand empty. The group of inheritors: Amanda, Michael,Michele, Maggie, Maude, Fran, Joshua, and Mrs. Stevenson areseated around the room. Devon Oakridge sits next to Amandaand Detective Lippman stands in front of the coffin as hequestions the group.

LIPPMAN

Now, let’s go over this one more time

Really, Lieutenant, yourlast night. I see nopeople again this morning.

DEVON

questions were thoroughlyansweredreason for you to questions these

LIPPMAN

(Holding the videotape.) I’ll be the judge of that.There’s still plenty of this story that’s a little hazy.Now, let me get this straight. (He puts the tape down andpulls a pad out of his jacket pocket.) No one in this roomhad any prior knowledge as to the intent of the deceased totake her own life.

(All answer simultaneously)

Amanda: No I had no idea that grandma wanted to die.

Maude: She never said anything to me about it.

Michael: She never talked to me about anything.

Michele: I hadn’t spoken to her in nearly a year°

Maggie: I was surprised as anyone.

Fran: If she had told me, I would have tried to talk herout of it.

2 ACTS BY A.Do CAMERONE - Pgo 34


Joshua: She never mentioned a word.

Mrs. Stevenson: It wasn’t my faultsure .

Devon:

(Righting

I couldn’t be

Mrs. Michaels never mentioned suicide to meo

LIPPMAN

furiously on the pad.) Okay . okay oOne at a time. One at a time.wait a minute, now.

Stevenson--why did you place that call tostation? Was it because you felt guilty?

DEVON

You don’t have to answer that, Mrs. Stevenson.client leading questions, Lieutenant

LIPPMAN

Your client? Since when is she your client?

DEVON

As of last night, all these people are my clients.won’t allow you to force them to incriminate themselves.

LIPPMAN

Is that so? And what about you? You areyourself--who is your lawyer?

Me?

Thecooperate with mylot of you downtown?

Mrs.the police

Don’t ask my

And I

a suspect

DEVON

Why am I a suspect? And just what are we suspected of?

LIPPMAN

murder of Meredith Michaels. Now are you going toinvestigation or do I have take the whole



AMANDA

We have all agreed to answer your questions, Lieutenant Wehave nothing to hide.

LIPPMAN

We’ll see about that. Mrs. Stevenson, you were the last oneto see Meredith Michaels alive. Did anyone in this roomvisit this house on the day she died?

MRS. STEVENSON

Noo ¯ . no one visited. Mrs. Meredith saw very few peoplethese past few months° The Rothschild s were the last tovisit over a month ago° They were here for dinner.

LIPPMAN

No one came into the house? Are you sure about that?

MRS° STEVENSON

Yes, quite sure. For the last six months, Mrs. Michaelswould spend much of the time by herself. She would take longwalks in the morning; spend the afternoon reading in thesunpalor; have an early dinner and retire to her bedroom by8:00 p.mo She was quite alone at the end° (Fran startscrying.)

LIPPMAN

Mrs. Rothschild, when did you last see the deceased? (Frantries to answer but just sobs°)

JOSHUA

Just as Mrs° Stevenson says, Fran and I had dinner here withMeredith last month.

LIPPMAN

Did she seem despondent or overly depressed?

JOSHUA

Do you mean Meredith or Fran?



LIPPMAN

The deceased° Did the deceased mention anything to indicatethat she was contemplating suicide?

FRAN

No, she was just her old self. Meredith was never one tocomplain. If she had problems, she never spoke about them;she just worked them through on herI- own . . . if I had

known . . what she was planning . would have tried totalk her out of ito

LIPPMAN

I see. Did you know you were listed as an inheritor in herwill, Mrs° Rothschild°

FRAN

No, not really. We were very close and saw a lot of eachother. Meredith is in my willo I guess I took it forgranted that I was in hers.

DEVON

Lieutenant Lippman, all these questions seem quitesuperfluous considering the information we have from thevideo tapes. You viewed the tapes. Meredith Michaelscommited suicide. Why torture these people with yourinfernal questioning?

LIPPMAN

Is that so, Counselor? That tape was made months ago° Therewas no suicide note found. How do I know the deceased killedherself?

DEVON

It seems to me everything points to an unassisted suicide.You have the microwave, and the taped suicide note. All thatremains is for the medical examiner’s report to confirm thecause of death.



What about tape three?

Tape three?

Yes, the accompanyingthere was only twothree?

(Goes to the parcelhere. Amanda, howopened it?

LIPPMAN

AMANDA

LIPPMAN

letter mentioned a "tape three" yettapes in the parcel° Where is tape

DEVON

and looks inside.) Well, it’s not inmany tapes were in the parcel when you

Just two tapes. Butaccompanying letter doesthe letter out of her pocket.)

AMANDA

you are right, Lieutenant, themention a third tape° (She pulls

LIPPMAN

again

AMANDA

must be

LIPPMAN

Let me see that letterletter°) Hmm

(To Devon.) Tape threeparcel.

How’s that?

DEVON

should be delivered soon.Another parcelwill be in it.

(He takes the

in the other smaller

Maybe tape three



MAUDE

Lieutenant, why would any of us want to kill mysister-in-law? What reasons would we have?

LIPPMAN

I can count 1.5 million reasons. (To Maudeo) When didyou last see the deceased alive?

MAUDE

I’m not sure. It was at least several months ago~ We hadlunch here last Fall. Didn’t we, Maggie?

Yes, justNovember.Lieutenant

MAGGIE

before Thanksgiving o o . I guessActually, we really weren’t

We never visited much.

(To Maggie.) Didany time?

No

it was earlyvery" close,

LIPPMAN

the deceased tell you about her will at

Not insomething seeing as the family was so small°

MAGGIE

did she ever mention it to you, mother?

MAUDE

so many words. I just assumed we would inherit

LIPPMAN

Michael?

MICHAEL

What about you,

What about me?

LIPPMAN

When did you last see your aunt alive?



I don’t even remember°(The doorbell rings°)

Excuse me, I’ll get that.

Mrs. Stevenson, did you

MICHAEL

Must have been at

AMANDA

least a year ago°

LIPPMAN

know that Mrs. Michaels had placedthis microwave under her bed?

MRS° STEVENSON

I saw her bringing the box upstairs, and I heard the noise itmade, but I didn’t realize is was a microwave.

LIPPMAN

You knew that she had stopped taking her medicine, though?

MRS° STEVENSON

I saw some pills in the wastebasket. They were wrapped in atissue. When I asked her about them, Mrs° Meredith said thathad fallen on the floor so she threw them away°

LIPPMAN

You found the body? (Enter Amanda downstage left. Shestands by the doorway listening intently.)

MRS. STEVENSON

Yes.

LIPPMAN

Why did you go into the room?

MRS. STEVENSON

I always went to her room around ii:00 p.m. I would turn outthe light and just make sure she was asleep and all right.



LIPPMAN

Did you hear the microwave that night?

MRS° STEVENSON

I heard a noise, but I didn’t realize what it was°

LIPPMAN

What time was that?

About i0:00 p.mo

MRS° STEVENSON

LIPPMAN

How long did the "noise" last?

For about an half hour°

Then what happened?

Nothing°

Well,

MRS. STEVENSON

I think it stopped at 10:30.

LIPPMAN

MRS° STEVENSON

LIPPMAN

what did you do next?

MRS° STEVENSON

I got ready for bed and then at II:00 p.m. I went over toMrs. Meredith’s room as I usually do every night.

LIPPMAN

And what did you find there?



MRS° STEVENSON

Mrs. Meredith was laying in bed (She starts to sob.)

Was she dressed?

LIPPMAN

MRS° STEVENSON

She was wearing her nightgown°

LIPPMAN

What was she doing?

MRS. STEVENSON

~ She was just laying there with her eyes open.

LIPPMAN

Did she say anything to you?

MRS. STEVENSON

No, I thought she was awake so I asked her if I could get heranything.

LIPPMAN

Did she respond?

MRS. STEVENSON

Norushedcolddollhelp.

o that’s when I noticed her mouth was opened o . Iover to her and touched her arm .. she was

I shook her but she was llmp . . like aI screamed aid ran to the telephone to call for

LIPPMAN

Who did you call?

2 ACTS BY A.D0 CAMERONE - Pg. 42


MRS° STEVENSON

called 911 for an ambulance and after I hung up Inote taped to the phone.

LIPPMAN

MRS° STEVENSON

What note?

It was a note from Mrs. Michaels.

LIPPMAN

Was it a suicide note? Where is it?

MRS.

No, it was addressed"Mrs o Stevenson, ca i i Mr.(She hands Lippman the note~)

LIPPMAN

Didn’t you find it unusual o this note?

Yes ¯

What did you do?

I called Mr° Quigley.

saw the

STEVENSON

to meo All it said was,~Quigley at 620-4349 immediately°"

MRS° STEVENSON

LIPPMAN

What did you say to him?

MRS. STEVENSON

LIPPMAN

MRS. STEVENSON

didn’t know what to say ° I was crying I think I



said something happened to Mrs. Michaels . . . she’s notmoving o . . something like that . o o I can’t rememberexactly what I said. . I heard the siren from theambulance, and I started to get confused. I think I told himthat Mrs. Michaels had left a note telling me to call him.He said he would come right over and then I hung up and wentto let the medics in downstairs.

LIPPMAN

Didn’t you think it strange for Mrs. Michaels to leave you anote telling you to call an undertaker?

MRS. STEVENSON

I didn’t know he was an undertaker. I didn’t know thatMrs. Michaels killed herself. It wasn’t my fault . . . Ididn’t know. (She becomes hysterical.) It wasn’t myfault Lieutenant.

DEVON

Leave herdistraught.

alone, Lippman. Can’t you see that she’s

AMANDA

Never mind about Mrs. Stevenson, Lieutenant. Here’s the lastpiece of the puzzle. (She throws a small parcel atLippman.) It’s probably tape three. (She goes tocomfort Mrs. Stevenson.) It’s okay, Mrs¯ Stevenson, no oneis blaming you° Grandma never intended for you to stop her°She did what she did of her own free will. (ToLippman.) That’s enough for now, sir. I’m taking Mrs.Stevenson upstairs. Come on, dear.

FRAN

I’ll give you a hand, Amanda. (The three women exit.)

LIPPM~IN

(He examines the parcel.)here?

Well, now ¯ what have we

2 ACTS BY A~Do C~hMERONE - Pgo 44


I wouldn’t openLieutenant.

LIPPMAN

Miss Michaels just gave me permission to do so,

DEVON

You should at least wait until she is present.

LIPPMAN

(Considering the consequences.) Okay, we’llsits.)

DEVON

that package if it is not addressed to you,

counselor.

wait.

Mr. Oakridge, isrequest for her to be waked here at her home?

(He

MICHAEL

it true that you knew nothing of my aunt’s

Yes, that’s true.

DEVON

MICHAEL

So the will says nothing about our obligation to stay in thehouse for three days?

DEVON

Nothing that I can remember.

MICHAEL

SO if we so choose, we can leave the premises at any time?

DEVON

(Picking up his briefcase and going through somepapers.) I assume you are referring to the variouscommunications Amanda has received. I believe theinstructions you mentioned were in the first letter. Let’ssee, now (Long pause as he reads.)



MICHAEL

Well, do we or don’t we have to stay?

DEVON

(Separating papers.) Of course,whatever you like, Michael o

Yeh,

Thistestament of Meredith Michaels right here.an heir but makes no mention of the wake.

MICHAEL

Then I can go?

you are free to do

MICHAEL

sure, but what do I have to do to remain an inheritor?

DEVON

is a little complicated. I have the last will andIt lists you as

DEVON

It isn t that simple. Amanda, as executrix, has received twoletters and two video tapes, rather three video tapes fromher grandmother and all these items may be construed asaddenda to the will. You may be legally bound by anyinstructions contained therein.

MICHAEL

what about the body?

DEVON

Oh great

I’m not sure that I know that you mean?

MICHAEL

We were supposed to stay on the premises for the duration ofthe wake. Seeing as the medical examiner has left with thebody, there is no wake°



Yes,true.

Well,to here with these silly games° I’m going out for a walk.

MAUDE

sit down, Michael, and stop acting like a child.

MICHAEL

I think it’s time I started thinking for myself, Mother°you mind if I go for a walk, Lieutenant Lippman?

LIPPMAN

by me. Just don’t leave town°It’s okayto exit°)

DEVON

you could interpret the facts to conclude that to beSounds like something the probate judge would decide.

MICHAEL

I’ll take my chances. (He rises.) I’ve had it up

(Enter Amanda from upstairs°)

Where are you going,

Out° (He leaves°)

What got into him?

AMANDA

Michael?

MICHAEL

AMANDA

MAUDE

of the situation.Just the stress

Do

(Michael starts

He’s going for a walk tocool off. He’ll be right back.

MICHELE

I hope this won’t affect his inheritance.



MAGGIE

Serves him right if he looses everything.

AMANDA

Let him go. I’m sure it won’t make any difference. Right,

Devon?

DEVON

I’m not sure. I guess if no one objects,done. How’s Mrs. Stevenson?

We gave her one offinally fell off towent to lie down too.

Goodsleptis if

there’s no harm

AMANDA

Fran’s sleeping pills. Mrs° Stevensonsleep° Fran took a pill herself; she

JOSHUA

Lord, the last time she took one of those pills shefor 12 hours. I’d better go up to check on her. That

you don’t need me for anything, Lieutenant.

LIPPMAN

Be my guest° In fact, I’m finished with all of you for now.

MAUDE

(Standing) In that case, I think I’ll go upstairs andrest awhile myself. Maggie, come with me°

MAGGIE

Okay, mOmo Coming with us, Michele?

MICHELE

If it is okay with everyone, I’d rather stay here.(Lippman shrugs. Maude and Maggie slowly make theirexit.)



Certainly, it’s okay.

I would like(He holds out the package.)

AMANDA

LIPPMAN

to see what’s in this package, Miss Michaels.

So would I. (She takessee what we have here.holds up the video tape.) I

AMANDA

the package and opens it.) Let’s(She takes off the wrapper and

guess this is tape three.

LIPPMAN

I’d like to watch that tape,

Certainly. Why not?

You don’t have to do this,yourself if you like.

No, Devon, let’swatch is welcome.in.)

ma’m.

AMANDA

DEVON

Amanda. You can view the tape by

AMANDA

get this over with° Any one who wants to(She goes to the VCR and puts the tape

(Changingstay. I(All sit down to view the tape.)

MAUDE

her mind°) Oh . in that case, maybe I willhave to admit that I am curious, sit down, Maggie.

(Meredith on the video tape is shown on all monitors asbefore.)

MEREDITH

Hello, Amanda. I hope everything is going according toschedule. I often wondered if my plan would work out. If it



isn’t working, try to remain strong and think clearly° Itrust your judgment, so please feel free to make anydecisions that you may deem necessary°

The purpose of this tape is to provide you and the familywith some of my philosophical leanings° I hope it will beenough to help you to understand my behavior.

Society, in the generic sense, is a means towards an end.Anything society creates should be for the purpose of makingthe individual’s time here on earth as comfortable and asprofitable as possible°

Religion, art, and government are three of the greatestachievments of human culture. Religion is an avenue throughwhich the individual can comprehend the complexities ofreality° Art is anything that helps the individual evolvethrough space and time. Government should be society’s wayof protecting the individual from being exploited by~nscrupulous special interest groups. A special interest.group can be formed whenever others try to force their willupon their fellow citizens. Our revolutionary forefathersused the constitution and the Bill of Rights as devices thatallow the individual to live within a social structure butstill remain autonomous° We here in America are blessed withfreedom of religion, freedom of speech, and the right topursue happiness.

The individual should never be sacrificed for the sake ofintangible morals or societal standards.

If you do not do harm to others, your actions should be ofyour own free choice. A victimless crime is no crime atall. Your life is your own to do with whatever you wish.Farewell, my love, I will miss you and love you foreternity. (A still picture of the deceased remainssilently on the monitors. All sit quitely, slightly stunned°

LIPPMAN

Well o what is that supposed to mean?

AF~ANDA

It means that grandma is gone, and there was no way to keepher here any longer than she wanted to stay.



(Enter Michael.)

Did I miss much?

Tape three.

Morethatgonesleep

MICHAEL

MICHELE

Aunt Meredith told us why.

MAUDE

importantly, she said Amanda could make any decisionsshe sees fit. Amanda, don’t you think this charade hason long enough. I certainly could use a good night’s

in my own bed° Would it be okay if we all went homefor the night?

(Distracted,would, Maudeo

Really?! Great,telephone rings°)

(Sort ofExcuse me°

Then, that’sMr. Oakridge?

Not that Iof the will.

AMANDA

still thinking about the tape.) I’m sure itYou can leave if you want to.

MICHAEL

come on, Michele, let’s pack. ~The

AMANDA

robot like, still preoccupied with(She goes to answer the phone.)

MAUDE

settled. Any legal

can foresee.

DEVON

the tape.)

problems in us

-The only thing left

leaving,

is the reading

2 ACTS BY AoD. CAMERONE - Pgo 51


AMANDA

It’s for you, Lieutenant. The medical examiner would like tospeak to you. (Lippman goes to the phone°)

MAGGIE

When can the will be read, Amanda?

AMANDA

The will? . Oh, I don’t know .

MICHAEL

How about tomorrow morning?

I guess

AMANDA

sure . . tomorrow morning. Is that okay, Devon?

DEVON

Well, originally your grandmother’s schedule called for thewill be be read here at the house after the body wasinterned. Wouldn’t you rather stay with that schedule ifpossible?

Yes,

AM~dqDA

maybe we should stay with grandmother’s schedule .

LIPPMAN

(Hanging up the phone°) Excuse me, Miss Michaels, themedical examiner’s report confirms the information on tapetwo° Meredith Michaels died from heart failure induced by anelectronic short in her pacemaker. The official cause ofdeath is being listed as an unassisted suicide. Dr. Bancroftis willing to immediately release the body to you,Miss Michaels. You can call the undertaker to make anynecessary arrangements.

Thank you, Lieutenant.else you need from us.

AMANDA

Is there anything(Long pause.)



Well o Ifiles.

I’ll have copies

would

LIPPMAN

like copies of the videotapes for the

DEVON

forwarded to your office.

LIPPMAN

I would also like copies of all ofMiss Michaels received from the deceased.

I’ll include any pertinent

the correspondence

DEVON

letters with the video tapes°

LIPPMAN

(Awkwardly.) Then I guess that wraps it up. Sorry forthe inconvenience, ma’m. You have my sympathy on the loss ofyour grandmother, Miss Michaels. Goodbye. (He exits.)

MAUDE

God, I am exhausted. I can’t wait to get back to my ownhouse. Michael, forget about packing. Let’s leaveeverything here for now. Drive me home.

What about the will?

Amanda?

MICHAEL

When are we going to read the will?

MAUDE

The willall return from the cemetery°by ii:00 aom. tomorrow.

AMANDA

shall be read as planned tomorrow afteroon after weEveryone should be back here



MICHAEL

Okay° That’s fine with meo In that case, we might as wellleave everything here. Okay, mother? Ready, Maggie?(Maggie nods.) Michele? (Michele stands still andsays nothing°)

(Simultaneously)

Michael: Goodbye, Amanda, see you tomorrow morning.

Maggie: Goodbye, Amanda, see you tomorrow morning°

Maude: Goodbye, Amanda, see you tomorrow morning°

(Maude and Maggie leave first° Michael looks at MicheleoShe remains motionless. He goes to her, grabs her hand, andpulls her out behind him.)

MICHELE

(Reentering.) Thanks for everything, Amanda. I don’tknow how but I feel as if I’ve learned a lot about myself. Iwish that I could stay.

MICHAEL

(Off stage.) Come on, Michele, we don’t have all day°(Michele exits.)

AMANDA

Oh my God, my head is spinning! My arm feels numb. What hastoo be done next? (She starts to pace holding her arm.)

DEVON

Maybe we should call Quigley. Are you going to continue thewake?

AMANDA

(Looking at the emply coffin.) Yes. Bring grandmaback. We can spend one more day at her wake° Devon, wouldyou call Mr. Quigley and make the arrangements?



DEVON

Sure~ Amanda . o o sit down and rest a bit.to lle down for awhile?

NO ¯

bring

Would you like

AMANDA

I’m all right. You call Mr. Quigleyo Ask him tograndma home as soon as possible° (Devon goes to the

phone°)

(Enter Michele.)

Amanda? I

Michele, is everythingeveryone come back?

MICHELE

AMANDA

all right? I thought you lefto Did ¯

No, they left. Irent that attic room?

Rent aMichele,

MICHELE

decided not to go along° Amanda, can I

AMANDA

room? Don’t be silly. You can stay here for free,as long as you like0 But what about Michael?

MICHELE

I’m not sure how I came to this decision, but I’ve decided toleave Michael. I’m divorcing him.

What?!

AMANDA

DEVON

(Hanging up the phone.) Quigley says he’ll take care ofeverything. He should be able to bring back the bodysometime tonight. What’s going on?



MICHELE

Mr~ Oakridge, do you handle divorces?

DEVON

Yes. Why?

MICHELE

Good. Will you handle mlne0

DEVON

You’re divorcing Michael?happened?

Isn’t this kind of sudden. What

MICHELE

I’m not sure what happened, but the more I think a~out it, .the more I realize that I’ve wanted to divorce him foryears. I just never had the guts to say it. Now I do. Willyou handle the details?

DEVON

Yes, sure if that’s what you want.

MICHELE

Good. Then it’s all settled. That’s what I want. If you’llexcuse me, i’d like to go up to my room. (She exits.)

DEVON

What do you think of that? She seemed so quiet and reservedand obedient.

AMANDA

I can’t imagine what it was like for her to live withMichael. Maude was always standing over their shoulders.(She goes to the empty coffin.) Let him think about herleaving him for a couple of days. It will do theirrelationship good and maybe Michele will finally get a littlemore respect and gratitude from her husband° What else didMr. Quigley say?



Not much,nothing heaction.

DEVON

he kept apologizing and assuring me that there wascould have done to stop the medical examiner’s

AMANDA

Dr. Bancroft performed an autopsy on grandma,

Yes,

didn’t he?

DEVON

state law requires an autopsy for any unnatural death°

AMANDA

What exactly do they do when they autopsy a body?

DEVON

Let’s not talk about it, Amanda. You’ve had quite a time of"it these past few days. Wouldn’t you rather rest for a fewhours while you have the chance?

AMANDA

Someone once told me they cut open your torso from your neckto your groin. Then they pull out your vital organs. Isthat true, Devon?

DEVON

Please, Amanda, can we stay away from the gory details?

AMANDA

Is it true?!

Yes,red.

I don’tgrandma

DEVON

it is true. (Pause.) My God, your eyes are bloodWhen was the last time you slept?

AMANDA

know . . let’s see . . ~oday is Saturday, anddied on Wednesay night. I arrlved here at the house



About 64 hours.

I don’t know if

on Thursday evening wow 0woke up Thursday morning° How many hours

DEVON

Aren’t you tired?

AMANDA

i am or I aren’t.

I haven’t slept since Iis that?

Is that a word "aren’t"?

DEVON

Sounds like one. Do you feel all right?

AMANDA

I feel like I’m in limbo. I keep thinking I should dosomething . but I’m not quite sure what I am supposed todo. I wonder if I let my grandmother down?

How so?

Grandmasummerwouldonlyvoidher?

DEVON

AMANDA

always made such a fuss over me. I would spend everywith her. Sometimes we would travel. Other times we

just stay here at the house. My mom died when I was17, and grandma did everything she could to fill theshe left. Maybe I should have tried to do more for

What could you have done?

I could have spent moreaway.

When did he die?

DEVON

AMANDA

time with her after my dad passed

DEVON



God, itfavorite,to gOoRichard.

AMANDA

will be two years this October° He was grandma’sher youngest son° He was the last of her childrenShe only had two sons° Dad and Maude’s husband,Richard died in a car crash right after the twins

were born°

What twins?

Michael and Maggie.

DEVON

AMANDA

DEVON

Michael and Maggie are twins?

AMANDA

Fraternal, of course o . 0 you would never know it. They actthe way they do because Maude always played them against eachother°

DEVON

Do you miss your dad?

AMANDA

Yes, I do. He died quiteattack. He wasn’t really illostill miss him very much °with grandma.

suddenly from a massive heartIt happened so quick ° ° I

I should have spent more time

DEVON

What did you do instead?

AMANDA

Well, I had just finished graduate school. I had my MBA andI received a job offer that required a lot of travel° So Itook it° God, two years go by in the wink of an eye. Maybeif I had stayed around, grandma wouldn’t have killedherself.



DEVON

What did she say when you took the job?

She told me to "go for it".build my character° Sheme0

AMANDA

She thought the experience wouldsaid it would make a woman out of

It doesn’t sound asaround and molly cottle her.

AMANDA

No0 now that I think about itwhat do you think about suicide?

That depends° Dosuicide?

Is there a difference?

Yes, there is.

Fair enough° Havesuicide?

I suppose we allour lives.

DEVON

if your grandmother wanted you to stay

o she didn’t. Devon,

DEVON

you mean my suicide or another person’s

AMANDA

DEVON

AMANDA

you ever thought about committing

DEVON

think about it at one point or another in



DO youherself?

AMANDA

think that it was right for my grandmother to kill

DEVON

That’sonly person who could have answered that questiongrandmother°

AMANDA

So it’s okay for a person to kill herself?

DEVON

It’s not that simple. It depends on the circumstances.not qualified to judge what’s right or wrong in this case°

AMANDA

Then who is qualified?

a question that I will not try to answer, Amanda. Theis your

I’m

DEVON

Each individual has to make that judgment for themself and bythemselfo

AMANDA

So it is acceptable to you that my grandmother committedsuicide.

DEVON

It is acceptable to me, if it was acceptable to her.place my value judgment on it.

No, neither will I.be ruled by it.

Lack of sleep hasdear.

AMANDA

We can learn from the past,

DEVON

forced you

I won’t

but I won’t

to wax philosophically, my



No, lack of sleepquestions in my soul.

Your eyes may be red,You are very beautiful,

AMANDA

has made my eyes red and cleared some

DEVON

but they still sparkle like the stars.Amanda.

AMANDA

Thank you, sir. (They come face to face, look into eachother’s eyes, she subtlely offers her lips. He kissesher.) Devon, would you commit suicide?

DEVON

At this point in my life, I would have to say no.

AMANDA

Why?

DEVON

The way I figure it, if you wait long enough, it will happento you. Sooner or later you die°

AMANDA

Yes, I suppose so. (The bell rings.) Oh, Lord, who doyou think that is?

DEVON

(Looking at his watch°) Could be Mr° Quigley. Should Ianswer it?

AMANDA

No, I’ll get it0 (She exits.)

(Devon goes to the coffin. Re-enter Amanda, followed byMro Quigley, eto al. with another coffin on a platform withwheels.)



QUIGLEY

This won’t take but a minute, Miss Michaelsohaven’t come at an inopportune time.

I hope we

AMANDA

No, Mr. Quigley, we were waiting for you° Take your time anddo whatever you have to do0 (She slumps into a chair.)

(Quigley motions to the men° They work quietly andquickly. They take the coffin to the empty casket in the sunpalor; take out the body wrapped in a white shroud; and placeit in the coffin on the bier. They close the coffin andstraighten up the floral arrangements.)

QUIGLEY

Have you decided on the time of the internment?

AMANDA

The burial will take place as scheduled tomorrow afternoon.Are there any other details that need attending to?

QUIGLEY

No. Your grandmother took care of everything months ago°She has quite a nice spot waiting for her in the mausoleum.How many limousines will you require?

AMANDA

How many did my grandmother order?

QUIGLEY

She ordered three, ma’m0

AMANDA

Then send three.planned.

Do everything exactly as my grandmother



QUIGLEY

Certainly. (The men have finished their task°)I’ll return tomorrow afternoon as we planned?

Then,

AMANDA

Yes tomorrow as planned°

QUIGLEY

Well, I guess I’ll say goodnighto May I apologize one moretime for what has happened, Miss Michaels.

AMANDA

There is no need to apologize, Mr. Quigley. You’ve done afind job under adverse circumstances. I’m sure grandma wouldbe satisfied°

QUIGLEY

Then, I’ll say goodnighto out. See youtomorrow. (They exit.)

No need to show us

AMANDA

Good night, Mr. Quigley. Thank you, gentlemen. (Shewanders aimlessly about the room and idly picks up the VCRremote control. She fingers the remote and gravitates towardthe coffin°)

DEVON

Would you like to be alone, Amanda?

AMANDA

NO o please stay and keep me company°

DEVON

Sure. (He goes to her and stands next to her in front thecoffin. He puts his arm over her shoulder. She puts her armaround his waist and places her head on his shoulder.)



AMANDA

Sure am going to miss you, gram. (She presses a button onthe remote and the video tape begins to play.)

(Lights dim leaving a spotlight on the couple and one onthe coffin. Meredith Mlchael s face comes up on all threevideo monitors as the tape plays.)

THE END


camerone apologies and other nuisances

Documents