A FISH CALLED WANDA

JOHN CLEESE

AND

CHARLES CRICHTON'

c. FISH PRODUCTIONS 1987

REVISED 13.7.87

1. Deleted.

1A. EXT. OLD BAILEY. DAY.

Busy London scene. S t -Pau l ' s in t h e background.

SUPERIMPOSE: HGM CREDIT

1R. EKT. LINCOLN'S I N N FIELDS. DAY.

Legal f o l k meander through Lincoln's I n n Fie lds .

1~:. Deleted.

ID. It4T. L A W COURTS. (OXFORD) DAY.

Legal fo lk throng the building and behave importantly.

SUPERIMPOSE: PRODUCTION CREDIT

1E. INT. LAW COURTS.' (OXFORD) DAY.

A cour t i n session. A JUDGE and JURY a r e en th ra l l ed by t h e forens ic powers of ARCRIE LEACH.

SUPERIMPOSE: JACK CLEESE

2. EXT. HATPON GAFDEN.5. DAY.

We start t o c lose on a s ign reading 'London Dianond Merchants'. we p u l l back t o r evea l o ther s i m i l a r signs, and then the street i t s e l f . Out of a doorway comes a smartly dressed young woman. She is WANDn GERSBWITZ. She pauses and surveys the street, as the camera c l o s e s i n on her.

SUPERIMPOSE: JAMIE LEE CURTIS

She holds a bag. The camera is now so c lose , t h a t when she moves her hand, we can see a lens which she has been concealing. We hear a f a i n t c l i ck . WANDA ad jus t s t h e pos i t ion of the bag, a second f a i n t c l i ck .

3. Im. (*IM'S PAD. DAY. 3 .

A bare basement r o o m with minimal furnishings , part Japanese bedroom, part gymnasium. On the bed sits a f i g u r e in f u l l l o t u s posi t ion. It i s (nw WEST. Be holds a book, 'Beyond Good and Evil ' . But he is dozing. An alarm clock goes o f f and in a f l a s h , he wakes, draws a pistol crossbow and d i r e r t h e b o l t 83 that it wedges i tself between the t w o v ib ra t ing bells of t h e d i s t a n t alarm clock, thus s i l enc ing it. B e yams.

SUPERIMPOSE: KEVIN I[LINE

Continued over/...

- - 52 REVISED 6.7.87

67. EXT. DRIVEWAY, ARCHIE'S ROUSE. =OFT. 67.

O!I~X) ha8 opened the front door with 8- CIA device. WANDA #lip$inaide. orro closes the door again W e t l y , tw,8.u s o u 9 by his car In a flash he'. 25irin the drive. on +he ground r0lwi i4~ for cover, a gun i n hi8 hmd, Re a h 8 md fire.. Plop, kt , no i~es . OTIY) nmile. coolly.

68. INT. DW. ARCHIE'S HOUSE. NIW.

WANDA, looking Wandaful, stands inside the door behind ARCRIE.

WANDA Do you despine rat?

ARCBIE jump8 and opiaa round. Ha stare8 a t WALODA,

ARCHIE Thank God.

W A D A Can I stay?

ARCEIE smiles and riset. ARCHIE

Of course. Look, Wmba...

WANDA I know, your wife's tuning back.

ARCBIE No,no i t 's not that , ehe'a gene for hoaue. It's what I said t o you ... it a l l right for us

WANDA It &?

ARCHIE Provided we don't diecur8 the cme.

WANDA Pine.

I

ARcaIE But if anyone raw us together, they'd think... -

WANDA They won't.

Pause.

ARCHIE ... Sorry if I ' m ... I ' m not rued to...

WANDA You're the best.

ARCHTE . . . Can I get you a drink? WANDA

Please. Vodka.

ARCHIE ... You are the sexiest, most beautiful girl I have ever . . . -

Prom outcide comes a heart-rending feline yowl.

ARCHIE ... seen in my entire life. WANDA

(Softly) Get the drink.

69. EXT. LAWN, ARCHIE'S ROUSE. NIGET. 69.

crrrO is examining a fine, fluffy tail from a second cat. He waft it in the cool air.

am That is a beauty Siamese...

He blow# on it, pops it in his breast pocket, and moves off, making kissing noises. He glances up at the window. ARCHIE appears and begins pouring a drink. Behind ARCHIE, WANDA appeus. She turns ARCHIE round mb kisses him. It's a big ki#s. OlTO starem. ARCHIE and WANDA sink out of sight. m ' s lip twitches slightly. He looks thoughtfully at his gun, and absent-mindcbly tightem the silencer. He is torn.

ARCEIE and WANDA are on the floor, cuesting, and staring into each other's eyes.

WANDA I want to have a long affair with you, Archie.