break the pattern

BREAK THE PATTERNLEAVE A LEGACY

FAMILY SERIESKILLORGLIN BAPTIST CHURCH

PASTOR SHAUN ABRAHAMS

28TH OCTOBER -18th NOVEMBER 2012


Session OneA Biblical Basis

A Biblical basis• Biblical examples of the negative influences of family.• Isaac and Rebekah. Their marriage is quite romantic.

24:61-67 • But we read something disturbing in Genesis 25:27-28

Isaac favoured Esau and Rebekah favoured Jacob.Rebekah deceived her husband and manipulated her son setting the two brothers against each other.

• Isaac and Rebekah had problems with the wives of Esau. Genesis 26:34-35. brought much grief to their hearts.

• Jacob was deceived by his father-in-law Laban, who was his mother’s brother. Genesis 28:5 deceit ran in the family?

• Jacob parted company with his father-in-law on bad terms.Genesis 31. Laban was in fact saying ‘ You had better not come back here again. If you do only God will deliver you’

A Biblical basis• Biblical examples of the negative influences of

family.• Jacob also had his favourite son, Joseph.

Genesis 37:3 Jacob caused his sons to hate their brother Joseph.

• Abraham taught Isaac to lie when in trouble. Genesis 20:2-3, Genesis 26:6-9. Both father and son lied about the relationship with their wives.

• David was a man after God’s own heart but was not the best father figure. David gave into lust with Bathsheba, committed murder as a result, then failed to correct his son Amnon after he raped Tamar. Absalom then kills Amnon in a wicked plot and David’s family is never the same again.

A Biblical basis• Biblical examples of the positive influences of

family.• Abraham’s journey of faith.

Genesis 12:4 He influenced Lot, Genesis 13:8-9 showed humility, Genesis 14:13-16 showed care, Genesis 22: 3 showed true worship, Hebrews 11: 8-11, 17-19 showed faith.

• Cornelius and his family. Acts 10:2, 24,33. They prayed together, gave generously, were devout.

• Timothy’s grandmother and mother. 2 Timothy 2:15 Lois and Eunice taught Timothy the Scriptures and they passed on their faith to him.

Warning – we cant blame our

past.• Hannah, Elkanah and their son Solomon.

1 Samuel 1: Hannah passed onto her virtue to her Son. Samuel lived with Eli and his two wicked sons yet was not tarnished by his situation but served God faithfully.

• Joseph was thrown in a pit, sold into slavery and falsely accused and thrown into prison and yet was able to forgive and restore his brothers. He saw God’s sovereignty in his life and makes the remarkable statement.Gen 50:20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.

But we must break the pattern

• Old Jacob must have had such joy when he heard the story of his son’s encounter with Potiphar’s wife. She offered Joseph her body and nobody would have been the wiser. Dad was several hundred miles away and it was doubtful at that point whether Joseph would ever see him again. But the godly principles built into his soul through his early years kept him from that sin (Gen. 39:7–20).

• Daniel’s parents experienced that same joy if they ever heard of their son’s steadfast devotion to God in Babylon. He was nearly six hundred miles from home. And all the other boys were gorging themselves with the sumptuous foods of the Babylonian king which had been dedicated to pagan idols. “Everybody else is doing it” and “Nobody will ever know” have been good enough excuses to send countless other kids into a spiritual tailspin. “But Daniel made up his mind not to eat the food and wine given to them by the king” (Dan. 1:8, TLB)

A word of encouragement

• These were men and women of the faith. • But they sometimes made costly mistakes

in parenting and family relationships. • We can learn from both their good and

examples.• We can be encouraged that God graciously

forgave them and still used them in his service.

No matter what the past, we have a definite hope that we can

change our situation with God’s help.

• It’s time to halt that kind of downward spiral, time to yield ourselves to the control of the Holy Spirit and become what God wants us to be, time to begin setting a Christ-like example before our children and repair any damage that may have already been done. The prophet Isaiah called on the people of his day to get their hearts right with God. He made this beautiful promise to them if they would: “And they that shall be of thee shall build the old waste places; thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations; and thou shalt be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of paths to dwell in” (Isa. 58:12, KJV).

We need to be Spirit filled

And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:18-21

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do,

forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things

which are before, vs14. I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of

God in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 3:13-14

But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ

Jesus. - Philippians 4:19

RECAP


Recap• Family is God’s institution and we must turn to Him for

the blueprint on marriage and family. If we don’t preserve the family, we will loose the sacred space that God has given us to pass on biblical truth and Christian morals, and society will crumble.

• What do I mean by breaking a pattern?Changing the inherent sinful conditions, the meaningless direction, the immoral values, the false traditions that we bring into our marriages and that we instil in our marraiges and into our children.

• What do I mean by leaving a legacy?Encourage obedient godly righteous living, setting godly direction, teach Christian moral values and to introduce unqiue family traditions into our homes that will transform our families to what God intends.

We looked at the influence of negative examples of

parenting and the impact of favouritism, lying and

deceitfulness in the lives of Isaac, Rebekah, Esau, Jacob

and his family.

We need to be Spirit filled

And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:18-21

Warning – we can’t blame our

past.• Hannah, Elkanah and their son Solomon.

1 Samuel 1: Hannah passed onto her virtue to her Son. Samuel lived with Eli and his two wicked sons yet was not tarnished by his situation but served God faithfully.

• Joseph was thrown in a pit, sold into slavery and falsely accused and thrown into prison and yet was able to forgive and restore his brothers. He saw God’s sovereignty in his life and makes the remarkable statement.Gen 50:20 As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.

A word of encouragement

• These were men and women of the faith. • But they sometimes made costly mistakes

in parenting and family relationships. • We can learn from both their good and

examples.• We can be encouraged that God graciously

forgave them and still used them in his service.

No matter what the past, we have a definite hope that we can

change our situation with God’s help.

Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do,

forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things

which are before, vs14. I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of

God in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 3:13-14

But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ

Jesus. - Philippians 4:19


Session TwoLeaving and Cleaving

Genesis 2:20-25The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast (cleave) to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Leaving and Cleaving• Marriage is the start of a new and separate family

unit.• A biblical command

Genesis 2:24: “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother. . .”

• Parents and grandparents have a role to play.Deuteronomy 4:9: “Only give heed to yourself and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things which your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life; but make them known to your sons and your grandsons.”

• It is possible to leave father and mother and still live next door.

• It is also possible to live thousands of miles from parents and still not leave them.

Leaving and Cleaving• What “leaving” does mean: (from

Strengthening Your Marriage by Wayne Mack, p. 2).

• Establish an adult relationship with your parents• Be more concerned about your mate’s ideas,

opinions, and practices than those of your parents.

• Do not be slavishly dependent on your parents for affection, approval, assistance, and counsel.

• Eliminate any bad attitudes toward your parents, or you will be tied emotionally to them regardless of how far you move from them.

• Stop trying to change your mate simply because your parents do not like him the way he is.

Leaving and Cleaving• Make the husband and wife relationship your priority

human relationship.• Be concerned about being a good husband/wife.• Children do not need indulgent parents who continually

neglect each other. They need parents who will demonstrate how to face and solve problems.

• Your goal should be to prepare your children to leave, not to stay. Your life must not be wrapped around them or you may make them emotional cripples.

• When your children have married, do not run their lives. Allow the young husband to be the head of his home, to make decisions for himself, to look to his wife, not you, as his primary responsibility and helper.

• Encourage your daughter to depend upon her husband, not you, for guidance, help, companionship, and affection.

Leaving and Cleaving• Marriage is a union of two individuals.

Genesis 2:24-25: “. . .and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.”

• Cleaving is the opposite of leaving.In the passage, the word “cleave” is set in contrast to “leave.”

• Cleaving describes how tight the marriage bond is to be. It has the picture of being “glued” together.

• Cleaving continues throughout the marriage. It means to “pursue hard after” the wife beyond the courtship leading to marriage, and is to continue on in the marriage. We do not “do what feels good to me” but focus on meeting the needs of the spouse.

• Cleaving is hampered by selfishness.Marriages commonly fall into a rut when we stop cleaving once the “honeymoon is over.” 1 Peter 3:7.

Leaving and Cleaving• Parents must be ready to help but not

interfere.• Parents pass on good habits but also sinful

habits.• Spouses must be committed to the leaving

and cleaving process.• Marriage brings different backgrounds and

family traditions together. • Know the traditions, habits and plan to

break them or continue them.

Genesis 2:20-25The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast (cleave) to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Leaving and Cleaving• Starting point for breaking patterns and

building a new legacy with God and your spouse.

• Leaving a legacy means discovering together as a couple what is unique to you as a couple on your journey.

• It is the reason we start a new family unit, it means that a change is taking place, things are different.

• It’s time to halt that kind of downward spiral, time to yield ourselves to the control of the Holy Spirit and become what God wants us to be, time to begin setting a Christ-like example before our children and repair any damage that may have already been done. The prophet Isaiah called on the people of his day to get their hearts right with God. He made this beautiful promise to them if they would: “And they that shall be of thee shall build the old waste places; thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations; and thou shalt be called, The repairer of the breach, The restorer of paths to dwell in” (Isa. 58:12, KJV).

Final word• Therefore a man shall leave his father and

his mother and hold fast (cleave) to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

• Commitment to God’s Word – James 1:22• Commitment to your Spouse to pursue love,

mutual respect, honour, maturity, unity, close communion and a unique relationship that demonstrates the love and commitment of God to us His people – Ephesians 5:22-33

What to do?• Make your spouse know that they are more

important to you than your parents and your children.

• Confess your sin to your spouse if you ignore their advice over the advice of your parents.

• Promise to work at becoming one flesh. Work for the approval and support of your mate.

• Build up your spouse to your parents• Do not allow parents to belittle your spouse.• Work out a plan of how to engage with parents.• Include your spouse in family discussions.

What to do?• How are your parents similar or different?• How is your marriage different than your parents

marriage?• What impact has your family background had on

your marriage?• Who means more to you? Parents or spouse?• Are you closer to your spouse now?

• Psa 128:1 A Song of Ascents. Blessed is everyone who fears the LORD, who walks in his ways!

• Psa 128:2 You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands; you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you.

• Psa 128:3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table.

• Psa 128:4 Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the LORD.

• Psa 128:5 The LORD bless you from Zion! May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life!

• Psa 128:6 May you see your children's children! Peace be upon Israel


Session ThreeTHE HUSBAND WIFE RELATIONSHIP

FOUNDATIONAL PRINCIPLES

• MEN AND WOMAN ARE EQUAL IN VALUE AND DIGNITY So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27

• Wherever men are thought to be better than women, wherever husbands act as selfish dictators, wherever wives are forbidden to have their own jobs outside the home or to vote or to own property or to be educated, wherever there is abuse or violence against women, or rape or female infanticide or polygamy or harems, and wherever women are treated as inferior, the biblical truth of equality in the image of God is being denied.

• To all societies and cultures where these things occur, we must proclaim that the very first page of God’s Word bears a fundamental and irrefutable witness against these evils.


• MEN AND WOMEN HAVE DIFFERENT ROLES IN MARRIAGE AS PART OF THE CREATED ORDER.

• Both Adam and Eve were created in God’s image, equal before God as persons and distinct in their manhood and womanhood.

• Distinctions in masculine and feminine roles are ordained by God as part of the created order.

• Adam’s headship in marriage was established by God before the Fall, and was not a result of sin.


• MALE HEADSHIP IS ESTABLISHED BEFORE THE FALL

• The order. Genesis 2:7 and 2:18.–23• According to Scripture itself the fact that Adam was created

first has implications not just for Adam and Eve themselves but also for the relationships between men and women generally throughout the church age. 12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. 13 For Adam was formed first, then Eve; 2 Timothy 2:12-13

• The naming of woman. Gen. 2:23, So out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name (2:19).

• When Adam gives his wife the name “Woman,” in terms of biblical patterns of thought this indicates a kind of authority that God gave to Adam, a leadership function that Eve did not have with respect to her husband.


• MALE HEADSHIP IS ESTABLISHED BEFORE THE FALL

• The primary accountability. • God commanded Adam alone before fall. Genesis 2:15–

17 • God summoned Adam to give an account. Genesis 3:9• The serpent approached Eve. Genesis 3:1• The representation Gen. 3:6, 1 Cor. 15:22, 1 Cor. 15:45–

49, Rom. 5:12–21 • The purpose • Eve was created as a helper for Adam, not Adam as a

helper for Eve. Gen. 2:18, 1 Corinthians 11:9 • Eve does not help Adam as one who is inferior to him.

Rather, she is to be a helper “fit for him”. She completes him.


• CONFLICT IS ESTABLISHED AFTER THE FALL

• The conflict. Gen. 3:16 • In this context and construction, it probably

implies an aggressive desire, perhaps a desire to conquer or rule over, or else an urge or impulse for Eve to oppose her husband, an impulse to act “against” him.

• Genesis 4:7 sins desire to rule over Cain. He is told to rule over it.

• “and he shall rule over you” (Gen. 3:16). the word rule does not signify one who leads among equals but rather one who rules by virtue of power and strength. Gen. 45:26, Ps. 89:9


• Prior to their sin, Adam and Eve lived in perfect harmony, yet with a leadership role belonging to Adam as the head of his family.

• After the Fall, God introduced conflict in that Eve would now aggressively oppose Adam and resist Adam’s leadership and Adam would respond with a rule over Eve that came from his greater strength and aggressiveness, a rule that was forceful and at times harsh.


• As a result of the sin of Adam and Eve in the garden there would be ...• Pain in tilling the ground• Pain in bearing children• PAIN AND CONFLICT IN THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN MAN AND WOMEN.

• That’s why we are here today.•Ask God to strengthen the husband and wife relationships in our church so that we can break the patterns of sin, and instead leave a legacy of righteousness?


• RELATIONSHIPS ARE IMPORTANTBut understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. - 2Timothy 3: 1 -5

FOUNDATIONAL PRINCIPLES - BREAK

THE PATTERN

• RELATIONSHIPS ARE IMPORTANT• Christ at the centre. (Sal or Sanc)• Matthew 22:37-39, Psalm 46:10,

Philippians 3:10 Grace, strength, trust and hope.

• Pride is the enemy, deny ourselves, love othersPhilippians 2:1-4, Romans 12:10, 1 Thessalonians 5:11, Matthew 7:3-5

• Communication is vital. Ephesians 4:15-31, 1 Corinthians 1:10 Biblically solving problems, seeking unity

THE HUSBAND WIFE RELATIONSHIP

• Gracious submission. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Ephesians 5:22-24


• Gracious submission.• Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so

that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. … but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. 1 Peter3:1-6

• A fulfilled wife and mother, content, trusting in the Lord


• Devotion to prioritiesMatthew 6:31-34, Proverbs 31:10-31

• A happy family, a light for the gospel.

• Divine discipline & nurturing of children

• Ephesians 6:4 • Happy, respectful responsible

children who love Jesus


• Willing Helper• Does what I do help my husband?• In John 14:16 Jesus comforts His disciples

with the promise of the Holy Spirit, referring to Him as “another Helper” (NASB). By addressing the Holy Spirit as a helper, Jesus forever elevated the position of the one who assists.

• Industrious Homemaker• Does what I do enhance my home?

PROVERBS 31, TITUS 2:3–5, 1 Timothy 5:14, Proverbs 14:1


• LEAVING A LEGACY• TRUST IN GOD• THE WITNESS OF FEMININITY • A GENTLE AND QUIET SPIRIT • RESPECT


Session FourTHE HUSBAND WIFE RELATIONSHIP

Continued


• Husbands are to be Loving Leading Servants.

• Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, …

• In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.

• However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:25-33

• Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them (Col. 3:19).

What kind of love is the bible

talking about?

• eros (sexual love) does not occur in the New Testament

• phileō, spontaneous natural affection, with more feeling than reason, occurs some 25 times

• storgē, natural affection between kinfolk

What kind of love is the bible

talking about?

• agapē, means to love the undeserving, despite disappointment and rejection. It is sacrificial

• Love, as set forth by Jesus, is the keynote of the new kingdom. (Rom. 5:8; Mk. 10:45, Gal. 5:22, 1 Corinthians 13,John 3:16, Jn. 13:35, 1 John 4:8)

• The obligation to love extends not only to one’s friends and relatives but to one’s enemies. Romans. 12:20, Luke. 23:34.


• Husbands are to be Loving Leading Servants.• Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and

gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendour, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:25-33



• Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered (HARSH) against them (Col. 3:19).

• For while we were still helpless, at the right time, Christ died for the ungodly. For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (Rom. 5:6–8).

• “Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Pet. 4:8).


• Husbands are to be Loving Leading Servants. (skip)

• Jesus tells us to love our neighboursMatthew 22:36–40.And one of them, a lawyer, asked Him [a question,] testing Him, “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And He said to him, “’You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself.’ On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.”


• Husbands are to be Loving Leading Servants. (skip)

• sJesus tells us to love our enemies• You have heard that it was said, “You shall

love your neighbour, and hate your enemy.” But I say to you, “love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you” (Matt. 5:43–44).

• Giving, as we have seen, is at the heart of love. Love is giving, Selfishness is taking. “Am I a giver or a taker?” That is the question you must ask yourself as you evaluate your love for your wife.


• Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her (Eph. 5:25).

• For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life (In. 3:16).

• Walk in love, just as Christ also loved you, and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma (Eph. 5:2).

• I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the [life] which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me (Gal. 2:20 NKJV).



• Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honour to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1Peter 3:7



• You are your wife’s protector• For the husband is the head of the wife, as

Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself [being] the Saviour of the body. Ephesians 5:23


• The Bible places the burden of understanding on you as the husband. You’re the one who must take the initiative to draw out of your wife the information necessary to develop and maintain the one-flesh intimacy God intends you to have with her.

• To what extent does your wife reveal herself to you? Is she ashamed or afraid to do so?

• What would you say prevents her from disclosing that information to you?

• There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1 Johnn_4:18


Love is being concerned with what I can give

Not with what I can get.

Selfishness

is being concerned with what I can get

Not with what I can give.

Fear is being more concerned with what I might lose than with what I can give

STRENGHTENING THE HUSBAND WIFE

RELATIONSHIP

Breaking the Pattern• Not resolving conflicts• Outbursts of anger (raising of

the voice, throwing, hitting, etc.)• Withdrawal (giving each other

the silent treatment or the cold shoulder)


RELATIONSHIP

Breaking the Pattern• Sarcasm (mocking, ridiculing, mean-

spirited joking, etc.)• Acts of vengeance (getting even or trying

to hurt her back)• Condescending communication (speaking

to her as though she were a child or an inferior person)

• Criticism (a critical, condemnatory, judgmental attitude)

• Suspicion and distrust


RELATIONSHIP

Breaking the Pattern• Hypersensitivity (treating a pin prick as

though it were a knife in the heart)• Intolerance (not overlooking little

offenses that once went unnoticed)• Misuse of authority (domineering,

dictatorial, or tyrannical attitudes which require needless exactions of obedience)

• Lack of social interaction with others as a couple


RELATIONSHIP

Breaking the Pattern• Loss of companionship (the intimacy of

the one flesh relationship is damaged and communication becomes superficial)• Lack of respect (dishonouring her to

her face and in the presence of others)• Lack of kindness and sympathy• Angry children (who have been greatly

provoked by their parents)


RELATIONSHIP

LEAVING A LEGACY• If you could change three things about me

that would make me more Christ-like, what would you change?

• Do I have any other annoying mannerisms that you would like to see me change?

• How does it make you feel when I…(name something that you know displeases her)?

• What areas do you think I am neglecting my duty to you as husband?


RELATIONSHIP

• What do you want from me that I’m not giving you at the moment?

• What specifically would you like to see me do to change?

• On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate our

marriage?• What would it take to make our marriage a

ten?


RELATIONSHIP

• What is your opinion about?• What personal goals do you have for your

life? How may I help you achieve those?• Do you have any needs or desires that you

believe I ought to be meeting or fulfilling better than I do? What are they?


RELATIONSHIP

• In the final analysis, what keeps a husband and wife from enjoying this “one flesh” intimacy that Adam and Eve knew in the Garden of Eden is PRIDE


RELATIONSHIP

• What God wants for every family.

Blessed is every one that feareth the LORD; that walketh in his ways. For thou shalt eat the labour of thine hands: happy shalt thou be, and it shall be well with thee. Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table. Behold, that thus shall the man be blessed that feareth the LORD. Psalm 128:1-4

Let us pray


Session FiveThe parent-child relationship

Biblical truths that influence the parent child relationship

• Remember children are not innocent and sinless. Proverbs 20:11. There conduct proves they have a sinful nature and are prone to wander. Psalm 51:3-5, 58:3 We are born sinners and need to be redeemed and regenerated.

• Parents are like archers and children are like arrows. Psalm 127:4 Point them in the right direction.Proverbs 22:6 Show them the way they need to go.

• Children are valuable and precious to God.Psalm 128, Judge 9:8-9. Olive tree is the king of trees in Palestine.Psalm 127. Children are a reward, a gift from God, they do not belong to us.

• Children are described as plants and not branches. Psalm 128 Children are individuals not carbon copies. Provide fences not straightjackets. You want them to be set free for Christ.

• Pray for your children’s salvation and nurture their spiritual growth.Malachi2:13-16, Our responsibility is to teach them God’s ways.Matthew 19:14. Lead them to Jesus

• Be an example of godliness.Psalm 128, 1 Corinthians 11:1. When we follow God, our children are influenced. They are around YOUR table. 1 Timothy 5:8 It is up to you, not the church, nor the school or the government.

Biblical truths that influence the parent child relationship

“Lo, children are a heritage of

the Lord.”

The word heritage signifies an inheritance given, not according to hereditary right, but according to the willing desire of the giver. Every new child born into a Christian home is a gracious gift from God, a lovely legacy from the Lord entrusted to our care to be loved, cherished, provided for and properly molded for his glory. -

“The fruit of the womb is his

reward.”• Again, the word reward does not mean

something earned or deserved, but something freely given through the generous decision of the giver. The inability to have children is no stigma, therefore. It doesn’t mean God is angry with us or isn’t smiling on us. It simply means that he knows best what we need. And he also knows there are the masses of unloved children whom childless couples can pour their lives into with great spiritual profit for all concerned. He always gives what is best.

- Strauss, R. L. (1975). Confident children and how they grow. Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale House Publishers.

How do we think of our

children?• Lo, children are a burden from the Lord; and

the fruit of the womb must be his way of testing us. As the source of endless work and continual aggravation, so are the children of one’s youth. Unhappy is the man who hears his neighbor ask, “Do all those kids belong to you?”

• Psa 127:3-5 Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

• When you look at your child, what do you see? A nerve-shattering machine, or a heritage from the Lord? A house-wrecker, or a heritage from the Lord? A work-maker, or a heritage from the Lord? A source of embarrassment before your friends, or a heritage from the Lord? A competitor for your spouse’s attention, or a heritage from the Lord?

How do we think of our

children?

The parent-child relationship

• A stewardship relationshipPsalm 127, 128God has given us a gift to treasure and manage.

• A secondary relationship.Genesis 2:24

The husband-wife relationship is the most important.• A temporary releasing relationship.

Genesis 2:24The relationship is not permanent, the husband wife relationship is.

The parent-child relationship

• A loving, caring, nurturing and discipling relationship. Ephesians 6:1 -4, Proverbs 22:6We must invest time, effort and plan for our children's future

• A changing relationship. 1 Corinthians 13:11As they grow we must adapt.

• A never ending relationship. Luke 15:11-32We will always be parents. We must always love our children, they must know we will never abandon them.


Session FourThe role of the family unit.

The role of the family unit.

• The family is a mobile for changing your life.

• ‘ People throw away what they could have, by insisting on perfection which they cannot have, and looking for it where they will never find it’ (Schaeffer 1976, p. 32)

• Marriage is a union of two sinners don’t expect perfection, don’t give up when there is trouble. The best is still to come as you continue to walk together with God.Romans 3:23, 2 Peter 3:18


• Are you the husband, wife you were ten years ago?

• Are you becoming more like Jesus?• Can your children see you are changing,

becoming more like Jesus?

But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from

glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord. 2 Corinthians 3:18


• The family is the birthplace of creativity.• We are made in the image of the Creator

God and He has given us the gift and pleasure of creativity. Genesis 1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. Genesis 2:15 And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.Genesis 4:17-22 architecture, agriculture, arts.

• Nurture the gifts, talents and value the insights of each member of the family.


• The family is the centre to develop human relationships.

• In the marriage relationship and in the family we learn that people are significant, important, worthwhile, with a purpose in life. Genesis :1:26, Ephesians 2:8-10.

• Our children must see that we value people, by the way we treat each other and by the way we treat other people.

• In the family you teach loyalty, dependability, respect, care, consideration sensitivity to others and selflessness.1 Corinthians 13:4-8.

• Children must never be treated as less important human beings.


• The family is the place to pass on truth. • Truth is timeless and always beneficial.

Hebrews 11, 12:1-21 Corinthians 10:6-13

• The truth of God must be passed on to our generations to preserve them and protect them.Psalm 111:4-10Deuteronomy 4:9-10Deuteronomy 6:4-7Deuteronomy 6:14Deuteronomy 6:20Deuteronomy 6:21-25


• The family is the place to pass on truth. • The Scriptures is a treasure chest of truth?

2 Corinthians 11:22-302 Corinthians 12:4-10Ephesians 4:31, 32Philippians 2:10-151 Peter 3:1-3

• Jesus is our model of truth.John 13:14,15Philippians 2:5-91 Corinthians 11:1Ephesians 5:25, 29


• The family is a museum of memories.• Good memory is a gift from God.

Proverbs 10:7 Psalm 109:15

• God has memories of you and I.Psalm 139: 1-3,17-18

• Make good memories.James 4:13-14Can you remember a really bad memory from your family? Psalm 51:1Can you remember a really good memory from your family past? Psalm 67:1


• The family is a place of shelter and where to find strength.

• A place for private heart sharing.• A place for private personal growth.• A place where diversity is encouraged.• A place where differences are accepted.• A place of no condemnation, forgiveness and love.• A place where friends are welcome.

The hinges must be well oiled to swing open when necessary and the lock should be firm to keep the

family safe.


Session FivePersonal Inventory

Personal Inventory• What was the quality of your parents

marriage? On a scale of 1-10, 1 being the least.• What good and bad qualities did your

parents have? Name one good and one bad.

• How much are you like your father or mother?On a scale of 1-10, 1 being the least. …………

• How much are your children like you? On a scale of 1-10, 1 being the least.

Personal Inventory• What did you grow up believing about God,

church, salvation, bible, purpose of life, church, work etc.

• What were you taught about money, property, spending, saving, who makes decisions in the home about finances?

• What did you learn about responsibility of father and mother?

• What were you taught about affection, dating and sex?

• What are your parents goals and dreams. What are your goals, dreams.

Personal Inventory• Who is the most important person in your life?• Whose opinion is more important to you.

Your wife, parents, work mates, pastor?• What are you teaching your children?

You are always teaching either good or bad. • Do you know your wife?

What is she struggling with right now?What are her fears? What is she praying about? How is her walk with God?

• Do you know what your children are struggling with right now? What are they afraid of? What are their future plans? What are they praying about? How is their walk with God?

Scripture How Christ Application: How

Reference Loves the Church can I love my wife?

1. Romans 5: 6–8 1. He loves sinners. 1. By quickly forgiving her.

2. 1 John 4:19 2. He initiated love. 2. By taking the initiative to…

3. John 3:16 3. He gave Himself 3. By voluntarily meeting her needs ….

4. Ephesians 5:2 4.He sacrificed Himself

4. By sacrificing my ….

6. John 15:13 6. He showed the greatest kind of love

6. How deep is your love?

Bibliography• Adams, JE 1972, Christian Living in the Home, Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing

Company, Phillipsburg, New Jersey.• Benton, A 2003, Aren't they lovely when they are asleep?, Christian Focus.• Carole, M 1986, Words that hurt words that heal, Navpress, Colorado Springs.• Dobson, J 1978, The strong willed child, Living Books, Wheaton, Illinois.• Hughes, KAB 2009, Disciplines of a godly family, Christian Art Publishers,

Vereeniging.• Jenkins, JB 1989, Loving your Marriage enough to protect it, Moody Press, Chicago.• MacArthur. Jr, J 1984, Answering Key questions about the Family, Grace to You,

Panorama City, California.• Mack, W 1991, Your Family God's Way, P&R Publishing Company, Phillipsburg, New

Jersey.• Mack, W 2009, In- Laws Married with parents, P& R Publishing Company,

Phillipsburg, New Jersey.• Meier, PL 1977, Christian Child Rearing and Personality Development, Baker Book

House Company, Grand Rapids, Michigan.• Miller, PA 2002, Quick Scripture Reference for Counselling women, Baker Books,

Grand Rapids, Michigan.• Schaeffer, E 1976, What is a family?, Hodder and Staughton, London.• Swindoll, C 1977, You and your child, Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville.• Tripp, T 1995, Shepherding a Childs Heart, Shepherd Press, Wapwallopen.

break the pattern

Spiritual

negative influences

davids family

son amnon

positive influences

son solomon

favourite son

brother joseph

pattern old jacob