In Sheep’s ClothingUnderstanding and Dealing with

Manipulative People

Author: George K. Simon Jr.

The Nature of Human Aggression• Our instinct to fight is a close cousin of our survival instinct• The urge to fight is fundamental and instinctual• We forcefully strive to assert a sense of social superiority• Fighting for personal and social advantage, we jockey with one

another for power, prestige and social circle “niche”• Assertive behavior is one of the most necessary and healthy

human behaviors• When we fight unnecessarily or with little concern about how

others are being affected, our behavior is most appropriately labeled aggressive

• Covert aggression, is most often the vehicle for interpersonal manipulation.

Covert and Passive Aggression

• Both are indirect ways to aggress• They are not the same thing

Passive Aggression

• Aggressing through Passivity– Silent treatment– Forgetting

Covert Aggression

• Very active aggression• Yet also veiled• The heart of manipulation

Recognizing Aggressive Agendas

• Recognizing when and how manipulators are fighting with you is fundamental

• Don’t analyze the situation to death• Simply respond to the attack• Learn to perceive the core reality of the

situation

The Process of Manipulation

• Manipulative aggression is not obvious• The tactics are deception techniques that are difficult to

recognize as clever ploys– Keep the victim unconsciously on the defensive– Exploit weaknesses and insecurities

• For example; Guilt

• Manipulators often know us better than we know ourselves

• Our lack of self-awareness can set us up to be exploited• Our gut tells us that we are dealing with a ruthless

conniver - but our head doesn’t believe it at the time

Personality

• An individual’s personality can be defined by the way he or she habitually perceives, relates to and interacts with others and the world at large

• An interactive “style” to get the things they want in life

• The Greek word “Persona” means Mask• The social façade or mask a person wears to

hide their true self

Character

• Aspects of an individual’s personality that reflect the extent to which they have developed personal integrity and commitment to responsible social conduct

• People of sound character;– Temper their instinctual drives– Moderate important aspects of their conduct– Discipline their aggressive tendencies in the

service of the greater social good

Personality : Neurotic• Suffer from an overactive conscience• Afraid to seek satisfaction of their needs• An excessive capacity for guilt or shame• Anxiety fuels symptoms of distress• Defense mechanisms are used to protect themselves from emotional

pain• Fear of social rejection results in a “social mask” to hide the true self• Often voluntarily seek psychological help to alleviate distress• Low self-esteem• Hypersensitive to social rejection• Often benefit from increased self-awareness and insight oriented

therapy (self help stuff)

Civilized Society = Neurosis

• Civilization is the cause of neurosis• We cause pain to others via sex or aggression• Society condemns indiscriminate sex or aggressive conduct• People who internalize societies prohibitions pay a price for

their self-restraint• The willingness to restrain sexual or aggressive urges makes

civilization possible• Rare is the person who owns and freely disciplines their basic

instincts, thereby transcending all neurosis• It is our capacity for neurosis that keeps us civilized• Moderately neurotic individuals are the backbone of our society

Personality : Character Disordered• Lack self-restraint when it comes to acting upon their primal urges• They are not bothered enough by what they do• Very little conscience• Lack sufficient apprehension or anxiety for the consequences of their actions• Diminished capacity for experiencing shame or guilt• What appears to be a neurotic defense mechanism is often a power tactic to manipulate

others or resist conforming to societal demands• They like who they are and are comfortable with their behavior patterns even though how

they act bothers others a lot• They rarely seek help on their own. They are usually pressured by others into therapy.• Inflated self-esteem• Undeterred by adverse consequences or societal condemnation.• Problematic behavior patters may be habitual and automatic, but they are also conscious

and deliberate.• Despite plenty of insight and awareness, they resist changing attitudes and beliefs.• They don’t think the way most of us do. They are “alien” in nature.

Neurotics vs. Character Disordered

• In a civilized society, character disordered individuals are more problematic than neurotics

• Neurotics cause problems for themselves• Character disordered cause problems for others• If a person is making himself miserable he is neurotic• If a person is making others miserable, he is character

disordered• Submissive personalities are generally neurotic• Aggressive personalities are generally character

disordered

Character Disordered Think Patterns

• Self Centered / Selfish / Inconsiderate– No consideration for the negative impact

of their actions on others.– Disregard for social obligation

• Possessive– Thinking of people as possessions or

objects– Attitudes of ownership and entitlement

• Extreme “all or nothing”– Prevents a sense of balance or moderation– Promotes an uncompromising attitude

• Egomaniacal– Overvalues himself– Believes things are owed him– Attitudes of superiority, arrogance,

entitlement

• Shameless– Doesn’t care how his behavior reflects on

him as a character– Embarrassed if someone exposes his true

character, but not ashamed

• Quick and Easy– Always wants things the easy way– Gets more joy out of conning people (the

hustle)– Disdain for labor or effort

• Guiltless– Never considers the right or wrongness of

a behavior before acting– Takes whatever he wants no matter what

social norm is violated– Irresponsible and anti-social

Personality : Submissive

• Afraid to take a stand• Habitually and excessively retreats from potential

conflicts• Runs from challenges, denying themselves

opportunities to experience growth and success• Synonym : “Passive-Dependent”– Overly dependent upon others to do their fighting for

them.– Feeling inadequate, they submit to the will of those they

view as more powerful or more capable than themselves.

Personality : Aggressive• Overly prone to fight in any potential conflict• Main objective in life is “winning”• Pursue “the win” with considerable passion• Forcefully strive to crush barriers to what they want• Uninhibited by the threat of punishment or the pangs of conscience• Always strive to be on top and in control• Accept challenges readily• They tend to be overly self-reliant and emotionally independent• Resist depending on the support of others• Ambitious power seekers• Unscrupulous when they acquire power• All of the aggressive sub-personalities have characteristics in common with

narcissistic personalities– Exploitive in interpersonal relationships– Ego inflation– Attitude of Entitlement– Emotionally Independent

Personality : Unbridled Aggressive

• Openly hostile• Frequently violent• Commonly labeled anti-social• Easily angered• Impulsive• Fearless• Reckless• Overly prone to violate the rights of others• Overtly aggressive• Fueled by an inordinate mistrust of others• Excessive readiness to aggress

Personality : Channeled Aggressive• Overtly aggressive• Generally confine their aggression to socially acceptable outlets

– Business– Sports– Law enforcement– Legal profession– Military

• They don’t usually cross the line into anti-social behavior• Their conformity is a matter of practicality rather than submitting to social

rules– They conform to stay out of trouble or to exert influence in a mature

manner that is socially acceptable– They will break the rules when they feel that they can get away with it

Personality : Sadistic Aggressive

• Overtly Aggressive• They seek positions of power and dominance• They gain satisfaction from seeing their

victims squirm and grovel in positions of vulnerability

• Enjoys making people suffer• Enjoys humiliating and denigrating

Personality : Predatory Aggressive

• Psychopath / Sociopath• Lack of conscience• They see themselves as superior creatures who are

meant to prey upon the common folk• They are the most extreme manipulators and con-

artists• They thrive on exploiting and abusing others• Charming and disarming• They study the vulnerabilities of their prey• No sense of remorse or regret

Personality : Covert Aggressive• Ruthless while concealing their aggressive character• Superficial charm• They fight in subtle, cunning and underhanded ways• They deceive themselves about their true character and covertly

aggressive conduct : (“who me?”)• To the degree that they are character disordered, the more they actively

attempt to deceive ONLY their intended victims.• Adept at fighting unscrupulously and surreptitiously (secretive and without

ethics or scruples)• Manipulators know that if they are “above board” in their aggression, they

will encounter resistance• Some of them derive an inordinate sense of exhilaration from pulling the

wool over the eyes of their victims.• Others just want to win – at all costs.

Personality : Covert Aggressive• Every life situation is a challenge to be met, a battle to be won• They always want to be “one-up” and in control• They use tactics that increase the probability that their target will go on the

defensive, retreat or concede while simultaneously concealing their aggressive intent• Deceptively civil, charming and seductive• Vindictive fighters• They capitalize on any weakness and intensify their aggression if they notice you

faltering• They catch you unaware and unprepared• If they think you got the better of them, they will try to get you back• The battle is never over until they think they have won• They lack “Internal Brakes” – they don’t know when to stop• Ends always justify the means – win at all costs!• They deceive themselves and others about what they are really doing• They view people as pawns in the game of life• Detesting weakness, they take advantage of every frailty they find in their

opponents.

Passive Aggressive / Negativistic

• Ambivalent about whether to adopt a primarily independent or dependent style of coping

• They want to take charge of their life, but fear they lack the capability to do so effectively

• They chronically crave and elicit support from others• But they also resent being in positions of dependence and

submission• They try to gain a sense of personal power by resisting

cooperation with the very people from whom they solicit support

• They request support and then resist suggestions with “Yes, but…” statements

Covert Aggressive

• Calculating Manipulators• Not identical to Narcissistic– but they almost always have narcissistic qualities– Egotists who cleverly exploit and manipulate are narcissists

and covertly aggressive– It’s tempting to label them Anti-Social, but they may not be

(but they could be)• For the most part, habitual manipulators are Covert

Aggressive Personalities – at their core– They may also have narcissistic, obsessive compulsive and

anti-social tendencies

Covert Aggressive Personalities• Daily living is a battle – They are obsessed with winning• Always willing and ready to fight• Fail to recognize when it is best to submit or acquiesce• Total aversion to submission prevents making little concessions that lead to victory later on• Never learned to fight constructively or fairly• Mistrust their own ability to win a fair fight and aren’t willing to risk losing• Over-learned how to win by fighting underhandedly and surreptitiously (secretly)• Detesting submission, they never learned the benefit of admitting defeat• True learning involves submitting oneself to a higher authority, power or moral principal• Aggressive personalities don’t learn because they don’t submit• Never learned to get beyond childish selfishness• Having become skilled at manipulation, they have come to think of themselves as invincible• They never learned genuine respect or empathy for the vulnerabilities of others• To them everyone else’s weakness is simply their advantage

Covert Aggressive Careers

• Law Enforcement• Politics• Religion• Cult Leaders• Militant Activists• The more cunning and skilled at the tactics of

manipulation, the easier it is for a Covert Aggressive to rise to a position of power and influence

Dealing with Manipulative People

• Become very familiar with the character of these “Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing”

• Learn to spot them right away• Know their tactics so that you can recognize when they are

using them against you• Understand that they will do whatever it takes to win• Knowing your own weaknesses can be your biggest strength in

dealing with a manipulator– Fears– Insecurities

• Make changes in your own behavior to avoid being a victim of a manipulator

The Determination to Win• Determined, cunning, and sometimes ruthless, they use a variety of

manipulation tactics, not only to get whet they want, but also to avoid seeing themselves or being seen by others as the kind of people they really are

• They always want their way• They don’t know when to stop• They don’t know when to concede• They don’t know when to back-off• They shove their will down everyone else’s throat – often under the

guise of care and concern (rationalization)• They may use denial to grant themselves permission to push forward• Solution: craft “win-win” scenarios when dealing with manipulators

Unbridled Quest for Power

• Nothing is more important to any aggressive personality than gaining power and achieving a position of dominance over others

• Covert aggressives are ruthlessly ambitious– But they are careful not to be perceived that way

Penchant for Deception & Seduction

• Dealing with covert-aggressive personalities is like getting whiplash.– You don’t really know what has hit you until long

after the damage is done.• They are masters of deception and seduction• They often lie by omission (covert lying)• It’s all about slick maneuvering– Position – Position – Position

Fighting Dirty

• Crafty underhanded maneuvering• What you don’t know can hurt you• Territoriality– Aggressive personalities stake out their turf

Reactive vs. Predatory• Reactive Aggression

– These are the defensive moves that you make when you are being attacked by a covert manipulator

– Generally, these acts of aggression are not planned– These acts of aggression are motivated by fear– It’s an emotional response to a threatening situation

• Like when a cat suddenly becomes aware that it is under attack, he arches his back, shows it’s claws, hisses and generally prepares to fight

• Predatory Aggression– These are the covert attacks initiated by a skilled manipulator

• Like a cat on the prowl, hunting for a mouse (no raised hair or hissing)

– These attacks are planned in advance• They are deliberate initiated• They are motivated by the desire to win

Impaired Conscience

• Aggressive personalities don’t like anyone pushing them to do what they don’t want to do or stopping them from doing what they do want to do.

• “No” is never an answer they accept.• They actively resist any constraints on their

desires or behavior• They have trouble forming a healthy conscience

No Internal Brakes• Conscience can be thought of as a self-imposed barrier to an unchecked

pursuit of personal goals• It’s like a set of “Internal Brakes”• Aggressive personalities resist societies exhortation to install these

brakes (a conscience)– They fight the socialization process very early in childhood

• If they can see some benefit in self-restraint, they might internalize some inhibitions

• Generally, any conscience they do form is significantly impaired• Internalization of a societal prohibition is the definitive act of submission• Aggressive personalities detest and resist submission

– Thus, they develop an impaired conscience– They have very weak Internal Brakes (if any)

Covert Aggressive : Self Awareness• By refraining from overt acts of hostility towards others

– They attempt to convince themselves (and others) that they are not ruthless people

• Despite their attempts at self-deception, covert aggressives know what they are doing– Their aggressive tactics often require pre-planning– They know their agenda– They consciously strive to conceal their true intentions from others– Generally speaking, humans are more likely to achieve their goals when

they know what they want.– The more successful a person is at covert manipulation, the more likely it is

that they are consciously aware of their ruthless nature– The longer a person uses covert manipulation tactics, the more likely it is

that they are consciously aware of their own ruthless nature

Getting Away with Murder

• Covert Aggressives exploit situations in which they are well aware of the vulnerability of their targets.

• They are very selective about the types of people with whom they will associate or work

• They are adept at keeping others in a “one-down” position• They know how to maintain appearances and cover their tracks• They know how to protect themselves if they are caught –

because they preplan for the contingency• They relish being in positions of power over others.• How a person uses power is the most reliable test of their

character

Abusive Manipulative Relationships

• Covert aggressives use a variety of tactics to keep their partners in a subordinate position in a relationship

• They are experts at exploiting the weaknesses and emotional insecurities of others

• Typical Tactics– Playing the victim– Guilt Tripping– Shaming– Externalizing Blame

Slot Machine Syndrome1. The appeal of the Jackpot

• Whether or not you will get anything for your efforts depends only on the degree to which you are willing to respond• Behaviorists call this the “ratio schedule of reinforcement”

2. With a slot machine, you have to do a lot of responding (investing) to have a chance at winning

3. Every once in a while a “cherry” appears and you win a little something• This reinforces the idea that your investment is not for naught and that winning a larger payoff is

really possible if you just keep investing

4. After you have been worn down by the machines abuse and are tempted to walk away, you’re faced with a most difficult dilemma– If you leave, then you leave behind a substantial investment– You not only have to walk away from your abuser but also from a huge chunk of yourself– To disengage with nothing to show for your time and effort but a broken spirit is hard to do– You’re tempted to delude yourself by saying, “if I just put in one more quarter”

Aggressive Personalities in Recovery

• Traditional recovery models are detrimental when applied to chemically dependent individuals with aggressive personalities

• Abusive personalities show similar patterns of behavior with all of the “objects” in their lives with which they have some kind of relationship – including their drugs of choice.

• They aren’t “Dependent” on the drug• They “Abuse” the drug• They detest being under the control of anyone or anything• The aggressive personality is in charge• People with aggressive personality disorders do poorly in treatment programs that view them

as dependent in any way• The 12-step model of recovery is anathema to all aggressive personalities• To admit that they are in any way powerless challenges their deepest convictions• To believe that a higher power holds the key to their recovery is incompatible with their

inflated self regard• That they should submit their wills and conduct of their lives to a higher power is truly

aversive• If pressured into treatment, they may say all of the right things to get others off their backs

– The manipulation tactic of Giving Asscent

DP’s addicted to AP’s• Dependent Personalities can become addicted to Aggressive

Personalities• DP’s are often attracted to the Confidence and Independence

demonstrated by AP’s• DP’s are vulnerable to exploitation because they are dependent upon

someone else’s approval and support for a sense of self-worth• DP’s become habituated to the painful aspects of a relationship with

an AP• DP’s develop a tolerance for the abuse delivered by the AP• When the DP attempts to disengage from the AP, they experience

withdrawal pain• Tolerance and Withdrawal are the hallmark features of a genuine

addiction

DP / AP : Abusive Relationships• If the AP isn’t addicted to the DP, then why does he do his best to

keep her?• The AP simply hates to lose• Losing means giving up a position of dominance and power• The AP seeks to be on top and in control• The DP is never the real object of the AP’s desire• It’s the Position that the AP desires• The AP doesn’t fight to keep the DP he loves• He fights to stay on Top and in control• The AP views the DP as Property – an object possession• Any move towards independence on the part of the DP is seeing as

a rejection of the AP’s right to dominance

The Manipulative Child• Children learn to discipline and channel their aggressive instincts• Children naturally fight for what they want• Most children learn to modulate their overly aggressive tendencies• They explore other strategies for winning life’s battles• Along the way, they discover the “emotional buttons” of their parents

(and others), that when pressed, cause them to back down or give ground in a conflict

• They also learn the things they can say or do (or not say), that will keep their opponents in the dark, off balance, and on the defensive

• These children learn to fight covertly• These children manage to gain inordinate amounts of power in the family

by learning the tactics of manipulation

Childish Manipulation• They scope out the parental weaknesses and use manipulation tactics to get their

way.• “You must think I’m crazy.”• “I don’t think you like me.”• “You must think I’m a dumb dumb.”• “You’re being mean to me.”• “Everybody hates me.”• “You make me mad.”• “I might as well be dead.”• “I want to go live with daddy because he understands me.”• “I’m going to kill myself.”• Parents inadvertently enable this manipulative behavior because they don’t

recognize it as Aggression (fighting).• Parents mistake the child’s behavior as Defensive. It is actually Offensive. The child

is on the attack when they make those statements.

The “Root” of the Problem

• The problem is not an underlying Fear or Insecurity or Frustration

• The problem is the aggressive nature of the Personality - A desire to Fight and Win

• This results in a lifestyle of – Excessive fighting– Fighting underhandedly (covert manipulation tactics)

• Guilt Tripping• Playing the Victim• Blaming Others• Making Veiled Threats

Corrective Action for Children• Traditional psychological therapy fails to understand and help people

with Disturbed Characters• These people don’t need insight or help• They don’t need to discover unconscious fears or insecurities or

overcome low self-esteem• They need correction and limit setting• They need to be confronted about their distorted thinking patterns

and attitudes• Their covertly aggressive conduct needs correction• Their inflated self-image needs to be corrected• Children aren’t equipped to handle a lot of power• They don’t have the emotional maturity or life experience to wield

power responsibly

Too Much Self Esteem

• A person can have too much (as well as too little) self esteem

• A person who is acting “too big for his britches” is not necessarily compensating for an underlying insecurity– Neurotics sometimes are– Character Disordered usually aren’t

• Someone who has accumulated inordinate power and thinks (from all immediate evidence), that they are invincible can easily come to over esteem themselves

Self Esteem vs. Self Respect• The word “Esteem” derives from a word meaning “estimate”• Self esteem is the intuitive estimate we make of our worth based on assessment of

our innate talents and abilities and the success we’ve had in getting what we want in life

• “Self Respect” means to Look Back• Individuals who know what they have going for themselves and are confident in their

ability to get what they want can overly esteem themselves while never developing any legitimate self respect

• Self respect arises out of a favorable retrospective assessment of ones personal effort, commitment to socially acceptable goals and achievements

• Our self esteem derives from what we know we have• Our self respect derives from what we know we have done with what we have been

given• In the long run, Manipulation tactics lead to a history of social failures• Those people with a long history of social failures have a hard time developing self-

respect

Developing a Balanced Self Esteem• Parents inadvertently reinforce children to overly esteem themselves by praising

them for their intelligence and good looks and innate talents– Those are things that the individual cannot legitimately claim credit– There is no acknowledgment of a “higher power”

• Nature• God• Random Luck

• We need to remember to praise “effort”– The willingness to work– “Sweat” alone is worthy of praise and its appreciation is essential to a healthy sense of self respect

• It’s not what people are given that we should praise or what they manage to secure

• We need to praise what they do with their talents and abilities and how hard they work to make an honest responsible contribution to society

• Covert manipulators, think a whole lot of themselves (high self esteem) but they have very little self-respect.

Learning Humility

• Teach the child – there are entities in the world that are stronger,

wiser and more capable than them– It is sometimes in our best interest to accept

guidance and direction– Mature individuals know their strengths and

weaknesses and thus, when to ask for help

Defense Mechanisms• DM’s in Normal people and Neurotics

– Reflexive mental behaviors– They shield us from emotional pain– Used to defend our self-image from anxiety associated with societal invitations to feel

guilty or ashamed– Used to prevent a feared event from happening

• DM’s in Character Disturbed individuals– Primarily used to ensure that an event DOES happen– Used to manipulate and control– Used to solidify resistance to internalizing and accepting social norms– Used as vehicles to continue doing what society says we shouldn’t do– Use of defense mechanisms prevents a healthy development of Conscience in Character

Disturbed individuals– For the most part, CD’s use DM’s consciously

• Habitual use makes them appear to be almost reflexive

– Responsibility avoidance behaviors and tactics of manipulation and control

Denial• Defense Mechanism

– A psychological state that is unconsciously employed to protect a person from emotional pain or intense grief• Death of a loved one

• Manipulation Tactic– It is denying a behavior– “I didn’t do anything.”– He is not willing to submit himself to the standard of behavior that others expect– He doesn’t want to face the consequences of getting caught– So he tries to convince you that you have made an error– He lies– He is not defending from emotional pain– He is fighting– He is not in a psychological state of Denial– He is employing a manipulation tactic– He is very conscious of what he is doing– It is not an automatic reflexive behavior– The purpose is not to prevent emotional pain (defense)– The purpose is to get out of trouble (defiant aggressive fighting)

Habitual Lying

• For the covert manipulator, lying may be habitual, but that doesn’t mean it is unconscious

• When someone lies, they know what they are doing

• Behaviors that are habitual and automatic are not the same thing as behavior that are unconscious

Manipulative Behaviors & Tactics• Conceal the aggressive intent of the person using them• Puts others on the defensive• Habitual use reinforces the users dysfunctional, yet preferred way of dealing with

the world• Effective tools to exploit, manipulate, abuse and control others• They are weapons of aggressive offense

– Not defense• The person who uses these tactics is fighting• They are fighting against the values and standards of conduct that they know

others want them to adopt or internalize• They are also fighting against resistance in others and to get their way• Covert aggressive are especially adept at using these tactics to conceal their

aggressive intent while simultaneously throwing their opponents on the defensive• A good manipulator will throw lots of tactics at you at once

Manipulation Tactics

• Minimization• Lying• Denial• Selective Inattention• Rationalization• Diversion• Evasion• Covert Intimidation• Guilt Tripping

• Shaming• Playing the Victim• Villifying the Victim• Playing the Servant• Seduction• Projecting the Blame• Feigning Innocence• Feigning Confusion• Brandishing Anger

Minimization

• A unique type of denial coupled with rationalization• The aggressor is attempting to assert that his behavior isn’t

really harmful or irresponsible– Attempting to make a molehill out of a mountain

• Neurotics make “mountains out of molehills”– “Catastrophize”

• Character Disturbed make “molehills out of mountains”– “Trivializes” the nature of his wrong doing

• Manipulators minimize to make a person who might confront them feel they have been overly harsh in their criticism or unjust in their appraisal of a situation

Minimization Words : “Just” &“Only”

• “I only did it one time.”• “It’s just a little thing. It’s really nothing to get

upset about.”• Attempts to convince us that that there isn’t

anything wrong with their behavior• Attempts to manipulate our impression of the

speaker

Lying

• Aggressive personalities will generally do whatever it takes to get what they want

• You can expect them to lie and cheat• Manipulators are prone to lie in subtle covert ways• Disturbed characters lie frequently

– Sometimes just for sport– They lie even when the truth would suffice

• Lying by Omission– Withholding a significant amount of the truth

• Lying by Distortion– Distorting essential facts to keep you in the dark

Denial

• When aggressors refuse to admit that they have done something harmful or hurtful when they clearly have

• It’s a way to lie to themselves and to others about their aggressive intentions

• “Who me?”• This tactic invites the victim to feel unjustified in confronting

the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behavior.• It’s also the way an aggressor gives themselves permission to

keep right on doing what they want to do• A maneuver that the aggressor uses to get others to back-off

and feel guilty for insinuating that he has done something wrong

Selective Inattention (or Attention)• When aggressors actively ignore the warnings or pleas or wishes of

others• Refuses to pay attention to everything or anything that might distract

them from pursuing their agenda• Actively listening to and heeding the suggestion of someone are acts of

submission• Use “Selective Speaking” to counter this tactic

– Only speak to them when they are looking at you in the eye.– Force them to look you in the eye.

• It’s impossible for someone to accept and resist at the same time. So when a person is tuning you out, there is no point in wasting your breath.

• When they stop resisting (fighting), and pay attention, you have a chance to be heard.

Rationalization

• The excuse an aggressor makes for engaging in what they know is inappropriate or harmful behavior.

• It serves to remove any internal resistance the aggressor might have about doing what they want to do (quieting the qualms of conscience)

• If the aggressor can convince you that their behavior is justified, then they are freer to pursue their goals without interference.

Diversion

• A moving target is hard to hit.• When we try to discuss the manipulators offensive behavior,

they will change the subject• Dodging the issue• Throwing us a curve• Distraction and Misdirection• Their goal is to keep the focus off their behavior• Manipulators are adept at changing the subject• Whenever someone is not responding directly to an issue, you

can safely assume, that for some reason, they are trying to avoid the topic

Evasion

• Closely related to diversion• The manipulator attempts to avoid being

cornered on an issue by rambling, irrelevant responses to a direct question or otherwise trying to skirt an issue.

• Deliberate use of vagueness• Covert manipulators are adept at giving vague

answers to simple and direct questions

Covert Intimidation

• Aggressors frequently threaten their victims to keep them anxious, apprehensive and in a “one-down” position

• They are adept at countering arguments with passion and intensity, thereby throwing their opponents on the defensive

• Intimidate by making veiled threats

Guilt Tripping

• A favorite weapon of the covert aggressive• Covert aggressive know that other people have a

conscience (especially neurotics)• The hallmark qualities of a sound conscience are the

capacities for guilt and shame.• Manipulators use the conscientiousness of their

targets to keep them in a self doubting, anxious, and submissive position.

• The more conscientiousness a person is, the more effective guilt is as a weapon

Shaming

• Using subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a means of creating fear and self-doubt

• Used to make others feel unworthy or inadequate

Playing the Victim• Victim of Circumstance• Victim of someone else’s behavior• This tactic is used to

– Gain sympathy– Evoke compassion

• …and thereby gain something from another• Covert aggressive count on the fact that less callous and hostile

personalities can’t stand to see anyone suffering.• They try to convince their target that they are suffering• Whether they believe their own distortions is irrelevant.

– They are able to manipulate by playing the victim because their targets believe that they believe they are a victim

Villifying the Victim (Target)

• This tactic is frequently used in conjunction with Playing the Victim

• The aggressor uses this tactic to make it look like he is only responding (i.e. defending against) to aggression from the real victim (the target)

• It enables the aggressor to put the target on the defensive

• This tactic also masks the aggressive intent and behavior of the person using the tactic

Playing the Servant Role

• Covert aggressive use this tactic to cloak their self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a noble cause

• It’s a common tactic but difficult to recognize• By pretending to be working hard on someone else’s behalf,

covert aggressive conceal their own ambition, desire for power, and quest for a position of dominance over others

• It’s the cornerstone upon which corrupt ministerial empires of all sorts are built

• One hallmark quality of covert aggressive personalities is loudly professing subservience while fighting for dominance

Seduction

• Covert aggressive personalities are adept at charming, praising, flattering or overtly supporting others in order to get them to lower their defenses and surrender their trust and loyalty.

• Covert aggressive are also particularly aware that people who are to some extent emotionally needy and dependent want approval, reassurance and a sense of being valued and needed more than anything.

• Appearing to be attentive to these needs can be a manipulators ticket to incredible power over others.

• Shady "gurus" like Jim Jones and David Koresh seemed to have refined this tactic to an art

Projecting the Blame

• Aggressive personalities are always looking for a way to shift the blame to someone else.

• Covert aggressive are skilled at finding scapegoats in subtle and hard to detect ways.

Feigning Innocence

• The manipulator tries to convince you that any harm they did was unintentional– Or that they really didn’t do something that they

are accused of• The tactic is designed to make you question

your judgment• Sometimes the tactic can be a subtle look of

surprise or indignation

Feigning Confusion

• Closely related to feigning innocence• When the manipulator acts like he doesn’t

know what you are talking about• Or he is confused by an important issue that

you are trying to bring to his attention• It’s the manipulators way of getting you to

question your sanity by “playing dumb”

Brandishing Anger

• A deliberate display of anger• Calculated• To Coerce• With aggressive personalities, it’s a mistake to think that

anger precedes aggression• Aggressive personalities use displays of anger to intimidate

and manipulate– They aren’t angry to start with

• Sometimes the most effective tactic is brandishing sufficient emotional intensity and rage to shock another person into submission

Tactical Advice

• Anyone dealing with a covertly aggressive person will need to heighten gut level sensitivity to the preceding tactics – if they are to avoid being taken in by these people

• When somebody uses these tactics, you also know that they will use them again

• Nothing will change until they decide to stop fighting and start accepting appropriate rules of civilized conduct

• As long as they are engaging in these tactics, it is clear, they don’t intend to change

Redefining the Terms of Engagement

• The person who launches the first strike has set the initial rules of engagement

• The aggressor sets the rules• You must move quickly to redefine the terms of engagement• Be free from misconceptions about human nature and

behavior• Know how to correctly assess the character of others• Have high self awareness of your own weaknesses and

vulnerabilities to manipulation• Recognize and correctly label the tactics of manipulation• Avoid fighting losing battles

Letting go of Misconceptions

• People are not all good• Some people are evil• 1 out of every 100 people is a psychopath

– Lack of empathy and compassion– No conscience

• The law of reciprocation is not universal• Not everyone believes in cooperation• Aggressive personalities have different motivations than

the rest of us– Winning is more important to them than Love– Variety is more important than Safety

Becoming a Better Judge of Character

• Be on guard for the Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing• By their fruits you shall know them…• If it walks and talks like a duck, then it is a duck.• The manner by which they habitually interact with others defines

aggressive personalities– Always pushes to have their way– Always has to win– Won’t take “no” for an answer– Always wants the upper hand

• Covert Aggressive– Rarely gives you a straight answer to a question– Always making excuses for doing harmful things– Tries to make you feel guilty– Uses any of the other tactics to try and throw you on the defensive

Knowing Yourself Better

• A manipulators real leverage is in knowing their target well enough to know how that person is likely to respond to their tactics

• Manipulators generally take the time to scope out the characteristics and weaknesses of their targets

• The more you know about yourself, and work on your vulnerabilities, the more leverage you gain in dealing with them

Vulnerabilities

• Naivete• Over-Conscientiousness• Low Self-Confidence• Over Intellectualization• Emotional Dependency

Naivete

• When you are confronted with abundant evidence that you are dealing with a ruthless conniver, you may refuse to believe it

Over-Conscientiousness

• You might be the type of person who is too willing to give a would be manipulator the benefit of the doubt

• When they do something to hurt you, you may be too ready to see their side of things

• And too willing to blame yourself when they go on the attack and throw you on the defensive

Over Intellectualization

• You may be one of those people who tries to hard to understand.

• By being overly focused on the possible reasons for a behavior, you may inadvertently excuse it.

• You might get so wrapped up in trying to understand what is going on that you forget that someone is merely fighting to gain advantage over you.

• There are people in this world who fight to much, fight underhandedly, and for no other purpose than to get what they want.

Emotional Dependency

• You may have submissive personality characteristics rooted in deep fears of independence and autonomy

• The more emotionally dependent you are on someone, the more vulnerable you are to being exploited and manipulated by them.

What to expect and what to do

• You can expect manipulators to throw at you whatever it takes to gain advantage over you

• Know all of the tactics• Watch and listen carefully• Be constantly on the lookout for tactics• Label the tactics immediately when you

detect them• Don’t be swayed by the tactics themselves

Avoid Fighting Losing Battles

• Whenever we persist in fighting a battle that we can’t win, a sense of powerlessness ensues

• The losing battle manipulation victims often fight is trying to make the victim change

• They get caught in the trap of trying to figure out what to say or do to make the manipulator behave differently

• They invest considerable energy trying to make something happen that they haven’t the power to make happen

Put your energy where the power is

• Generally speaking, those who have suffered a great deal, at the hands of a covertly aggressive person are emotionally drained and have a lot of anger towards the manipulator.

• They want the manipulator to work for a change

• And they want the manipulator to pay for their misbehavior

Tools of Empowerment• Accept no excuses• Judge actions, not intentions• Set personal limits• Make direct requests• Accept only direct responses• Stay focused in the here and now• When confronting aggressive behavior, keep the weight of responsibility on the

aggressor• When you confront, avoid sarcasm, hostility, and put-downs• Avoid making threats• Take action quickly• Speak for yourself• Make reasonable agreements• Be prepared for consequences• Be honest with yourself

Accept no Excuses• Don’t buy into any of the reasons (rationalizations) that anyone gives for

any type of inappropriate behavior• The rationale is totally irrelevant• The ends never justifies the means• The person offering an excuse is trying to maintain a position from which

they should be backing away• From the very moment they start explaining, they are resisting submission

to the principal of civil conduct and trying to get you to cave in to their point of view

• Because they are resisting, you can be sure they will engage in the behavior again

• Key phrases: – “I’m not supporting you on this.”– “I don’t accept your excuses or rationalizations.”

Judge Actions Not Intentions

• Never try to mind-read or second guess why someone is doing something– Especially when they are doing something hurtful

• There is really no way for you to know, and in the end it is irrelevant

• Getting caught up in what might be going on in an aggressors head is a good way to get sidetracked from the pertinent issue

• Judge the behavior itself• Failure to see the aggression in the tactics of another is

always how one gets manipulated

Set Personal Limits

• First you must decide what types of behavior you will tolerate from another person before taking some counter action or deciding to disengage

• Second, you must decide what action you are both willing to take in order to take better care of yourself

Make direct requests

• When asking for things, be clear about what you want• Use “I” statements• Avoid generalities• Be specific about what it is you dislike, expect or want from

another person.• Don’t give a manipulator room to distort, or claim they

misunderstood, what you want or expect from them.• If you don’t get a direct response to a direct request, then

you know that the manipulator is fighting with you at that moment, plans not to cooperate, or is looking for some way to thwart you.

Accept only Direct Responses

• Insist on a clear direct answer• Don’t do this in a hostile or threatening way• Respectfully assert the issue you raised is important

and deserves to be forthrightly addressed• Most direct appropriate questions can be answered

with a simple direct answer• If you get more than that, less than that, or

something completely foreign, then you can assume someone is trying to manipulate you

Stay focused in the here and now

• Your manipulator will try to throw you off track with diversionary and evasion tactics

• You must make the effort to stay focused regardless of what tactics are thrown at you

• Don’t bring up past issues or speculate about the future• Stay in the here and now• No change takes place unless it takes place in the moment• Even if some change does take place, it may not last very

long because old habits are hard to break• Don’t let diversionary tactics take you to another time and

place

Keep the weight of responsibility on the aggressor

• When confronting aggressive behavior, keep the weight of responsibility on the aggressor

• If you are confronting an aggressor about some inappropriate behavior, keep the focus on whatever they did to injure, no matter what tactics they might use to throw the ball back in your court

• Don’t accept their attempts to shift blame or responsibility• Keep asking what they will do to correct the behavior• Ignore their rationalizations• When someone is in the wrong, the burdon for change must be on

them• Keep the focus on the behavior that the other person needs to

change

When you confront• Avoid sarcasm, hostility and put-downs• Aggressive personalities are always looking for an excuse to go to war• They will construe any sort of hostility as an attack and feel justified in

launching an offensive• Attacking their character invites them to use their favorite offensive attacks

– Denial– Selective Inattention– Blaming

• Be sure to confront in a manner that is upfront, yet non-aggressive• Focus on the inappropriate behavior of the aggressor• Confronting without maligning or denigrating is a necessary skill in dealing

effectively with manipulators• Constantly doing things that made her hate herself only increased her need

for approval

Avoid Making Threats

• Making threats is always an attempt to manipulate others into changing their behavior

• Never threaten• Just take action• Be careful not to counter aggress• Just do what you really need to protect

yourself and secure your own needs

Take Action Quickly

• A train without brakes rolling down a mountain is easiest to stop when it just begins to roll

• Once it gains momentum, it’s too late to take effective action

• Aggressive personalities lack internal brakes• Once they are in hot pursuit of their goals it’s hard to

stop them• Act at the first sign that they are on the march• The minute you become aware that a tactic is being

employed, be ready to confront and respond to it

Speak for Yourself

• Use “I” statements• Don’t presume to speak for anyone else• Using others as a shield broadcasts your

insecurity• Deal with your opponent on a 1-to-1 basis• Have the courage to stand up for what you

want openly and directly

Make Reasonable Agreements• Make agreements that are

– Appropriate– Reliable– Verifiable– Enforceable

• Don’t ask for something that you’re not likely to get• Don’t ask for something that you could be cheated out of by a

manipulator• Propose as many win-win scenarios as you can• Win-win proposals are effective with manipulators because it

constructively uses their determination to win• An aggressive personality will do almost anything to avoid losing

Be Prepared for Consequences

• Always remain aware of the covert-aggressive’s determination to be the victor

• If they feel defeated, they are likely to try anything to regain the upper hand and a sense of vindication

• Take appropriate action to protect yourself• Anticipate their next move• Make a reasonable assessment of what the covert

aggressive could and might do• Secure a strong support system

Be Honest with Yourself

• Know your own agenda• Know your real needs and desires• You can never know what a manipulator is up

to• Deceiving yourself about your own wants and

needs can put you in double-jeapardy

Empowered Living

• Living with a manipulator is not easy• Keep your awareness high about – What they are really like– What to expect from them– How to empower yourself

• When a manipulator uses a tactic– “I know what you are up to and I won’t let your

tactic work.”

Misc

• Avoid enabling manipulative behavior.• Trying to control a manipulator is a self-defeating cycle• Some of the most widely held beliefs about human nature

tend to set us up as victims of manipulators• Understanding the true character of manipulative people

is the first step to dealing more effectively with them• Aggressive tendencies and behaviors are not inherently evil• Parents must teach their children when it is appropriate

and not appropriate to fight