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“Sis, I thought everyone spoke French down here?”

The Independent Salford Rugby League Fanzine Spring 2006

This is a fanzine - an independent sports publication produced by fans for fans that attempts to be amus-ing and occasionally serious. It is not Hello! or OK magazine or an offi cial programme. This publica-tion may not be suitable for people who lack a sense of humour. Mard types may fi nd some of the content slightly offensive so they would be advised not to buy it.

VingtCinqSCARLET

TURKEY

9th July 1988. Great Britain defeat Australia in the Third Test at Sydney 26-12.

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THE SCARLET TURKEYPO BOX 128MANCHESTERM25 3BQzine@scarletturkey.comwww.scarletturkey.com

Back Copies:£1 per issue inc. P&P

Cheques made payable to:‘The Scarlet Turkey’

Next issue on sale:Bank Holiday Monday

vs HarlequinsDon’t put your hard

earned on it it though

The characters, events and situations portrayed in this publication are entirely fi ctional; any similarity with events or persons past or present is purely coincidental. Most of the contents are lies, half-truths and complete bullshit. No animals were injured in the making of this fanzine and no genetically modifi ed organisms are present. The opinons expressed in this fanzine, unless stated, are not the opinions of Forever Reds. This fanzine has no offi cial connection with Salford City Reds Rugby League Football Club and they therefore cannot take any credit for the quality and ideas of the content within.

Inspirations - The crappy 1998 season, Fans opinions. The late great fanzines; Inspirations - The crappy 1998 season, Fans opinions. The late great fanzines; The Tangerine DreamThe Tangerine Dream, House of Pain and Wally Lewis Is Coming. George Orwell.Gone since Issue 1 - Paul Carige, Jason Critchley, Garen Casey, Andy Platt, Henry Paul, Jason Haribo, Joe Bloggs, Andy Greg, Pete Waterman, Central Park, Valley Parade, The Valley, The Boulevard, The Fat SlagsWilderspool, Goulding, Neil Tunnicliffe, Hudson Smith, Malcolm White, Greg McCallum, Daredevil Duck, The Corvos, Kevin Ashcroft’s marbles, Aussieland, Paul Terzis, South of The Shed bogs.

Front CoverFront Cover..................................... 1Blast From The PastBlast From The Past....................... 2Lets Talk TurkeyLets Talk TurkeyThe Editorial....................................... 4Mystic GinoThe mastermind, the cosmic mystic.... 5Ooh La La!!A resume of Salford vs French teams.. 6ScarletTurkey Snapshot #25........ 8Super League XI PreviewWe take our annual brief look at our competitors...................................... 9Partners In ScribeWe have a chat with Doncaster’s fanzine............................................ 10Red or Dead.................................. 12Mangetout, Rodney. MangetoutOur guide to common French phrases 13Alec MurkyWhinging old get.............................. 14Super League Cinema................... 16

25ContentsContents

Welcome to the special download-able freebie mini issue that is number 25 of the Scarlet Turkey. We haven’t suddenly become dead generous with this freebie, basically we realised in blind panic that there was no way we were going to be able to produce 20-odd pages in 3 days and than 10 pages in 6 days was more likely to actually happen. The result being that you are now reading the fi rst ever download-able RL fanzine (as far as we know) and we expect to be doing a full issue 26 print version later this season.

As I write this it’s not a bad time to be a Salford fan – three wins from our fi rst four games is probably something only our most optimistic fans would have expected. It’s fair to say that we did have a similarly promising start to last season too, but the manner of our wins this season and the teams we have beaten suggest that there is a genuine improvement on last season. The new signings that have been brought in seem to have really introduced some genuine competition for fi rst team places that we realisti-cally haven’t had in previous seasons – the superb form of Stuart Littler, now without a squad number in the fi rst XIII, has shown illustrated this. We certainly have more creativity in the team compared to last year, when Luke Robinson was relied upon so much. The presence of Dunneman

gives the team much more balance, and the added creativity of Wilshere and the options provided by Fitzy all combine to make us a better prospect with the ball in hand – undoubtedly a problem for us in previous seasons.

Hopefully things can pick up off the fi eld too. Just looking at our play-ing kit you can see that sponsorship appears to be up, and it was well documented that our corporate hos-pitality was sold out for the Wigan game – that said, we are still regu-larly criticised for the (lack of) size of our crowds. The fact is, apart from London, no other club has as much competition (sporting, cultural and entertainment) as we do – couple this with nearly 30 largely barren (and often positively poor) seasons and we clearly have a challenge on our hands. Inroads appear to be being made – the gate against Les Catalans was about 1000 more than I had expected, with the Shed fuller than it had been for at least 5 seasons. The Wigan crowd would no doubt have been comfort-able higher too if it wasn’t for that blizzard in the hours before kick off. With so many other local distractions it is diffi cult getting enough attention to create a bandwagon (unlike some RL towns where there is so little else to do that the clubs dominate aware-ness) so our crowd increases are likely to be incremental, but hopefully

Lets Talk TurkeyThe Editorial

Lets Talk TurkeyThe Editorial

Lets Talk Turkey

we can keep them going in the right direction. The excellent new Chan-nel M show, Code XIII can only benefi t us, especially with awareness of the channel increasing – can any other club boast a pretty much dedicated local terrestrial tv show?

The next stage of off fi eld develop-ment is clearly the stadium. The Wigan and Warrington teams that we beat were operating on a salary cap 50% higher than ours – what could we do if we could spend the same as these other clubs? That is what the new stadium will give us – if (when!) we get it cleared…..

At least we can say that the latest hurdle will more than likely be the fi nal one. The planning inspectorate will be inviting comments from the main parties involved very soon, in response to the other parties statements. Then 4 weeks before the enquiry (as yet, no date has been set), the parties proofs of evidence which back up their original statements, are presented.

Throughout the process, comments by third parties (ie. us) are welcomed and will be acknowledged. So in es-sence, this is your chance to give the project a fi nal push that it deserves. Write your letters of support to:The Planning Inspectorate,4/04 Kite Wing, Temple Quay house, 2 The Square, Temple Quay,Bristol, BS1 6PN

Enjoy the season

The Ed

Mystic GinoFeeling hot-hot-hot, do do doo do etc. Or at least I was until I forsaw the kind of weather we’ll be having in Perpignan for the big Catalan tour de faust. Don’t bother bringing your shorts peeps, as Perpignan is a whopping two degrees warmer than Salford on average. To quote Paul Storey, “South of France, crock of shit”. Blast those Pyraneean cold fronts. Nevermind, I’m sure the Heiniken will be flowing long before kick-off as per usual. I suppose the only thing to worry about is bird flu. Which is precisely why I’m taking a packet of bird seed with my hand luggage. Pumped with anti-biotics and full of Trill goodness. Yummy.

MG’s Predictions11th March vs Wakefi eld (h) - It’s pretty easy to get carried away of late what with recent run of results and all. Aye, I forsee a win. Pundits say the key to beating Wakefi eld is to stop Solomona. Well we couldn’t stop him last year. In fact, he was the best player on the pitch by a long way in the Wildcats’ second visit to The Willows. Yet we hammered Wakefi eld 37-0. The key to stopping them is surely to wrap up and snub out Solomona’s second phase support?WIN - 24-1617th March vs Leeds (a) - Th,,,,oh piss off.LOSS - 46-1425th March vs Catalan Dragons (a) - Ole. We’ve been waiting for it for quite a while and it fi nally ar-rives. Plus we’ve got a realistic chance of winning. Now be honest, are you really going to be that dis-traught if we end up getting beat over there? Arse.WIN - 6-187th April vs Huddersfi eld (h) - Our recent record against these guys has been bloody well poor if we’re being honest. The simple fact here, is that we have to beat the Giants. Because just like Roy Cropper trying to cop off at the Playboy Mansion, our following fi xtures aren’t pretty homes’.WIN 24-22Good Friday vs Warrington (a) - What a cracking day to play Warrington on. And at their place too! It’s a good job that it’s a cracking day out, because this is bound to hurt.LOSS 52-12Easter Monday vs Leeds (h) - Now to be fair, I already said piss off.DRAW 0-021st April vs Saints (h) - You’ve always got to look forward to Stains at home. I don’t know why like...LOSS 12-24

Ooh La La!!We’re all aware

later this month we embark on the next chapter

of the Salford – Anglo-French story. On 25th of March we travel to meet Les Catalans Dragons over in Perpignan. This will obviously be a me-mentos occasion for all clubs this season but more for Sal-ford than most. Whether you agree with the French inclusion or not I’m sure you’ll agree we have some special links with the game over there.

This trip is not our 1st trip to

the land of garlic, Berets & frogs legs! In fact it will be the clubs 6th trip. Our history with France dates back as early as 1934. And of course the famous “Red Devils” tour in the same year. On that occasion was lead by legendary AJ ‘Gus’ Risman (below) and the side was coach by Lance Todd.

On that tour we were invited by the French RL as we were seen as the premier side in the UK. The squad traveled by Train from Salford to Euston for a connecting train from Lon-don Euston at 17.45. All this

on the same day as they had beaten Wigan in Lancashire Cup Final at Station Road Swinton. They traveled through the night reaching France at 5.30am the next morning. Fol-lowing a four hour trip to Paris they had lunch and amazingly played against a Paris XIII on Sunday 21st October. 11 of the team that had played just 24 hours earlier managed to take part in the game and went on to win a high scoring the tie 51 – 36. Next stop was Lyon-Vil-lerbanne on 27th October win-ning 34-17. Just one day (yes one day) later, they met and beat Beziers 41-8. On the 1st of November they had traveled 60 miles to take on Albi for the start of a mammoth 3 games in just 4 days!!! Again the reds were victorious 44-5. Again the next day they played and won, this time beating XIII Catalan 41-16 and just two days later the curtain came down on the whistle stop tour with another convincing win this time over Villeneuve 34-10.

After that tour the name The Red Devils became our Nick-name after the programme form the Paris XIII had an-nounced the visitors as Les Diables Rouges de Salford. That game was also the 1st time Salford had played on a Sunday!!

Stats from the tour:

V Paris XIII – 51-36:Tries: Bob Brown 2, Cliff Evans 2 Barney Hudson 2,

Risman, Billy Watkins, Aubrey Casewell, Jack Feetham & Emlyn Jenkins.Goals: Gus Risman 9.V Lyon-Villerbanne 34-17:Tries: Harold Osbaldestin 2, Bob Brown 2, Barney Hudson, Alf Middleton, Emlyn Jenkins & Cliff Evans.Goals: Risman 5.V Beziers 41-8:Tries Brown 3, Evans 2, Wil-liams 2, Feetham & Dalton.Goals: Jenkins 5, Person 2 V Albi 44-5:Tries: Hudson 3, Feetham 2, Brown, Risman, Watkins, Wil-liams & Middleton.Goals: Risman 6 & Watkins.V XIII Catalan 41-6:Tries: Hudson 4, Osbaldestin 2, Day, Miller, Middleton, Wat-kins & Jenkins.Goals: Jenkins 3 & Harris.V Villeneuve 34-10:Tries: Osbaldestin 3, Mid-dleton2, Feetham, Dalton & Jenkins.Goals: Risman 5

The next time we visited France was 30th April 1975

when we took part in a sports festival in Marseilles. An under strength Red Devils played against a French national side losing 13-23 without key members of the side including David Watkins.

Then in 1984 to mark the 50th anniversary of the 1st tour the club was invited to this year’s location, Perpignan, to meet XIII Catalan. Again the reds were beaten this time by 7-8. Members of the 34 tour traveled over with the team

We returned again in 1986 as part of the “Tournoi Interna-tional de Paris” a four-team competition including XIII Catalan, Paris Chatillon and Barla Presidents XIII. Salford went on to win the competition beating Barla 32-16 in the fi nal.

10 years later we were back in France, a rearranged Tuesday night game on the 2nd of July. We took on the new French side Paris St Germain at the Charlety Stadium in the out-skirts of Paris. Again the Reds

enjoyed success on French soil, winning 24-16. We actu-ally met PSG 3 times in their short stint in Super League, Winning every time, once in the Challenge Cup and both league meetings.

But PSG isn’t the only French side to play at the Willows. Way back in 1934 before the 1st tour, a French select side lead by the French legend Puig-Aubert, and the reds won 35-13.

Another fi rst between the Salford and a French side was the fi rst Sunday game at the Willows when Cavallion were the visitors. Yet again Salford won this time 43-10 scoring 9 tries.

And of course our 1st meeting with Les Catalans Dragons last month, In which we did the damage (literally to Stacy Jones) early on and won the game 16-0.

So here’s to another great chapter in the story and lets hope it’s a good one. Hope to see you all there.

Les Diables RougesThe Spirit of ’34!

Hi-sixes all round in Castleford as the Tigers achieve promotion back

Castleford as the Tigers achieve promotion back

Castleford as the Tigers to Super Leagueachieve promotion back to Super Leagueachieve promotion back

Scarlet TurkeySnapshots#25

BradfordBest Thing about: We don’t have to go there againWorst thing about: “Wooly Bully, Wooly Bully, Wooly Bully”Most Likely to: Have out of form players picked for GBLeast Likely to: See Newton play more than 10 games. Finish Odsal.

CastlefordBest Thing about: Taking their endWorst thing about: Have you seen Deliver-ance?Most Likely to: Bring Brad Davis out of retire-ment again.Least Likely to: Have all pack free from sus-pension.

Les CatalansBest Thing about: Cheap fl ights.Worst thing about: Stifl ing heat for the play-ers in July.Most Likely to: Have squad decimated by fl u.Least Likely to: Play their home games in the venues fi rst listed. Get relegated.

HarlequinsBest Thing about: Finally seem to have a home ground.Worst thing about: The kit they got lumbered with for using the ground.Most Likely to: Serve warm beer.Least Likely to: Stick to our original fi xture date.

Huddersfi eldBest Thing about: The usual pub crawl.Worst thing about: The usual hangover.Most Likely to: Say Robbie Paul is the one of the best players in the world. And so is Michael De Vere.Least Likely to: Half-fi ll their ground.

HullBest Thing about: It’s 100 miles away and will be under water by 2050.

Worst thing about: The group of scroats that goad away fans from the corner of the East Stand.Most Likely to: Have chairwoman mistaken for a bloke.Least Likely to: Field a player with a decent haircut.

LeedsBest Thing about: Loads of decent pubs in the areaWorst thing about: Being a Friday we don’t get enough time to enjoy them… oh, and we never win there.Most Likely to: Never give McAvoy a gameLeast Likely to: Lose to Salford – only team we’ve not beaten in Superleague.

St HelensBest Thing about: Often great to watch.Worst thing about: Not so great to watch them hammer you.Most Likely to: Rain when we play thereLeast Likely to: Have a season with no off fi eld controversy

Wakefi eldBest Thing about: Beltin’ piss upWorst thing about: We always under perform there.Most Likely to: Beat a top team and then suf-fer a humiliating defeat.Least Likely to: Lose at home to Salford.

WarringtonBest Thing about: Dead easy to get to.Worst thing about: Drums.Most Likely to: Bleat about being a massive club.Least Likely to: Sing without the aid of a drum.

WiganBest Thing about: Beating them, which is niceWorst thing about: Fridays, bring back SundayMost Likely to: Play at Orrell.Least Likely to: Give their coach time.

Super League XI A-Z

Partners In ScribeShit title, but you get the idea. We have a bit of a chinwag with the main bods inlvolved with other Rugby League fanzines.

#1 - Who The Hell Was St George Anyway? Doncaster Lakers

There can’t be many clubs in Rugby League that have been through the mill as much as Doncaster have over the last decade. Which of course, makes writing a fanzine that much easier. Although the writers at Doncaster’s Who The Hell Was St George Anyway? will hardly agree that’s it’s merely a piece of cake. Mind you, it takes some doing to be continiously releasing issues for going on 11 years. We recently caught hold of their editor Jemmo for a cheeky chat.Turkey:’Who the’...is the longest running club fanzine in RL™. When did it all begin and why?Jemmo: It was shortly after the Dons relaunched as the “Dragons” in 95. I was a member of one of the lesser branches of the supporters club and me and my brother had this idea for a one of rag to make a bit of money for the fl edgling club. No one else in the group seemed that interested except for to come up with some quite dodgy name...’The Dragozine’ being the most cringeworthy suggestion i remember of off the top of my head. After we did this “one off” people kept asking if we’d do another...which we did...then another...then another...and it’s kind of kept going since then regardless of if anyone has told us to stop.

We take it your relationship with the club is a good one?Yeah it always been very good, coaches have come and gone, chairman have been 10pence a dozen and we’ve had more than our fair share of players rotating but bare a few examples we’ve never had any problems with the club we hear from other fanzines. I remember a couple of players taking offence to some stuff but most of the time they made it worse for themselves. We even had the

chief exec defending us in the local paper once when Sheffi eld threw their dummy out...my proudest moment as fanzine editor (if you have time for an anecdote)

Were there any previous infl uences from other RL fanzines or maybe Football fanzines? I remember at the time Doncaster Rovers had about three different fanzines out...The Popular Side, Kevin Keagan Was Crap Really and Raise the Roof....we’d seen them a few times and though that didn’t look too hard. There were also the stallwart of RL fanzines which was the Final Hooter from which I think we learned to pinch, plagurise and “gain infl uence” from everywhere. Also round that time I think there was the Satanic Mills at Leigh, London Calling and a couple from Saints, the names of which seem to slip my memory at the mo

How have you managed to keep it going for so long? Are you like us where we now release the odd issue when we can be arsed?JI know that feeling...It has been hard keeping it going at times, we took a bit of a gap year last year only releasing one issue when we played Cas at home (we’d have been silly to

miss the biggest home crowd of the season) but I’m hoping to get into full fl ight this year. The problem always seems to be coming up with new ideas for things, the actual writing of stuff has never been that hard once the idea is in place. We do regularly fall back on the staple diet of anti-Seagulls and anti-Hull KR stuff but we know what the customer wants. We have always wished we’d get a bit more done by the regular readers though

How many issues are you up to then?How many issues are you up to then?The last issue was Issue 55. I’m just The last issue was Issue 55. I’m just glad we got rid of the same front cover glad we got rid of the same front cover with a different face in the armour with a different face in the armour being burnt by the Dragons early on being burnt by the Dragons early on cause we’d have run out of people a cause we’d have run out of people a long time ago

Sounds like you lot have had a lot Sounds like you lot have had a lot of upheaval in the last 11 years. of upheaval in the last 11 years. None moreso than last year None moreso than last year what with the chnage of what with the chnage of colours, name and the colours, name and the untimely death of untimely death of St John Ellis. How St John Ellis. How was 2005 as a Donny fan? Did the Donny fan? Did the fanzine get more fanzine get more interest from disgruntled fans/disgruntled fans/supportive fans/supportive fans/the media etc?2005 was indeed an interesting year an interesting year as a Dons fan. It of as a Dons fan. It of course ended horrifi cly course ended horrifi cly with news of St.John with news of St.John Ellis but it had it’s ups and Ellis but it had it’s ups and downs before then. The downs before then. The whole “rebranding” has been whole “rebranding” has been the biggest issue of the last the biggest issue of the last 12 months and something 12 months and something that has been a major that has been a major talking point. Personally I never warmed to “The Dragons” massively anyway so the “The Lakers” is just as good/bad depending on your point of view, we’ve always been the Dons and always will be. This news came shortly after the chairman also announced going into the play offs that if we were to win the league we would not apply for promotion on that occasion which was probably sensible if ultimately dissappointing as a supporter. But then the bomb shell came of the colour change and people weren’t happy. People saw the Blue and Gold as our link to the past of Tattersfi eld but as we have been notoriously unsuccesful for over 50 years this was a past

the current chairman was keen to distant the new era from. As we took our kind of year out last year it was probably bad timing as everyone suddenly wanted to have their say but there is a lot of stuff happening over here now with the relaunch, going full time in 2007 and a Stadium on it’s way up for next year so we’re hoping that will trigger some interest in the supporters voicing their views through the fanzine...forums don;t help a great deal though. One issue with the name change though. One issue with the name change does however mean the name of the does however mean the name of the fanzine makes no sense what so ever..but fanzine makes no sense what so ever..but we were here fi rst

Super League in 5 years then? Super League in 5 years then? The plan is meant to be by 2009. The The plan is meant to be by 2009. The club have made no secret of the fact club have made no secret of the fact that they will try to get there the that they will try to get there the “proper” way but have always said they “proper” way but have always said they will apply for the South Yorkshire will apply for the South Yorkshire franchise that the RFL are keen for franchise that the RFL are keen for us to take if we haven’t won the us to take if we haven’t won the GF before then. The whole GF before then. The whole future is revolving future is revolving around the new around the new stadium so we’re stadium so we’re expecting something expecting something big from next year big from next year onwards. onwards.

How is the St John How is the St John Ellis fund going? Ellis fund going? Singes’ fund Singes’ fund seems to be going seems to be going great...all the other great...all the other clubs have helped out clubs have helped out so much. Even on so much. Even on Sunday a Batley fan road Sunday a Batley fan road his bike pulling the guy in his bike pulling the guy in the bulldogs mascot suit from the bulldogs mascot suit from Mount Pleasant to Belle Vue Mount Pleasant to Belle Vue to raise money and the fi rst to raise money and the fi rst game at the new stadium is game at the new stadium is going to be a double header of The Dons v Cas and a game against 2 Super League sides to raise money.

How can people help/donate? People can donate to the Memorial Fund at any high street bank, the account details are St John Ellis Memorial Fund; Barclays Bank; Sort code 20-35-84; Account No. 90392774. or by sending a check via the club to:St John Ellis Memorial Fund c/o Doncaster Lakers RLFC, Belle Vue Stadium,

Bawtry Road Doncaster, DN4 5HT.

Donny have had a few ex-Reds in the past few years ie. Paul Mansson, Brad ‘Dr Evil’ Hepi, Peter Edwards and now of course Graham Holroyd. How did/are they getting on?Peter Edwards joined the club in the so called “Singe Dream Team” of 2000. The team which by all rights should have won that league by a mile if we’d had a goal kicker in the infamous House of Pain season. He was always a fans favourite. Paul Mansson and Graham Holroyd have to go down as 2 of the greatest players the club have ever had. As with Craig Weston before them we’ve have a run of cracking stand offs. Holly this season so far seems to be back to his best with us and the game at Dewsbury aside has been ripping teams apart (currently stands as top scorer by some way). Brad Hepi was...at best....Singe’s mate.

is Graham Holroyd still a scruffy bastard? Is this why he shaved his hair off to get rid of the nits?He goes through phases. He’s done alright with the missus though.

Cast your mind back to 2003, when we played at your place. It’s still very much a game that sticks out for us lot in our National League tour. If it weren’t for a desperation Gavin Clinch pinch, you would have won the game. Do you reckon you deserved to win the match?We’ve had a great run in recent years of beating the “big” club of the division. Leigh have found it notoriously diffi cult to win at Belle Vue and we were the only team to beat Huddersfi eld the year they spent in the then NFP. I honestly thought we were going to do it again against you lot but remember that pinch vividly...to be honest there’s been too much water under the bridge to remember if we deserved to win...but I can only assume we did...We certainly didn’t on the return game.

Now that was a beating. However when you unfurled that banner in the north stand, (“we’ll support you ever more”?) that was a classy moment.Cheers...it took some painting too. We took a bigger one to Toulouse.

Cheers mate, you’re a gem...mo.PS David Hodgson is doing my fantasy team a treat

RED… Competition for team places … Salford City Council passing the station (even the Jimmy Saville lookalike) … New Zealand stuffing the Aussies … 96.2 The Revolution … no Leigh in superleague … England winning the Ashes (belated but deserved) … the Origin-aux banner … Manchester v Cancer gig at the MEN … Code XIII on Channel M … Ricky Gervais Podcasts … the Shed hammered out v Catalans … getting yards from penal-ties … punk football … Bill Hicks – Slight Re-turn … flights and 4 nights in Perpignan for £120 … Robinson’s contract extension … Alker being a top sport at the Turkey Awards do … New Order at the Apollo … skyscrap-ers … Mick Rock … getting our first win at the Halliwell Jones Satdium … having more than 1 halfback ... The Go! Team - Thunder, Lightning, Strike ... League Weekly:‘Salford faithful top league for witty chanting” ... MTV Dance between 2am and 4am ... Bar-ney joining the PDC ... Chas’n’Dave at The Cavern ... www.lookalikes-susanscott.co.uk ... Rugby League 2 (don’t whinge, you’ve never had it so good) ... Ian Brown at the MEN ... Thirteen magazine ... Shudehill in-terchange bus station type thing

DEAD…Sportspages going into receivership owing the Turkey over £200 … sub-zero summer rugby … more Friday away games … any tv show with “celebrity” in the title … Government Office for the North West calling the Stadium in … the price of the official trips to France … getting no media credit for our wins … the winter Olympics … more metrolink price rises … lazy touch judges … Coldplay … bent solicitors … BBC moving the superleague show around ... the Bradford Beer Festival running out of said product earlier than expected ... the lack of orange rugby balls in production ... anything by that whiney cunt James Blunt aka James Bland ... MTV Dance in general ... The BRITS - bring back Sam and Mick ... City Life

Red or Dead

Please talk slowly, my French is piss poor.Parlez S’il vous plaît lentement, mon Français est des pauvres de pisse.

Do you serve Joseph Holts or any other hand pulled real ales?Servez-vous Joseph Holts ou de autres vraies bières anglaises tirées par main?

Excuse me waiter, can you guarantee that this chicken did not die of bird fl u?Est-ce que le serveur, vous m’excusent peuvent garantir que ce poulet pas matrice de la grippe d’oiseau?

Excuse me mate, where are the bogs in here?Est-ce que le compagnon, d’où les toilettes m’excusent sont dedans ici?

Where is the rugby ground?Où est le rugby stade?Où est le rugby stade?

Wasn’t it a terrible shame that Stacey jones got injured at The Willows?N’était-il pas une honte terrible que Stacey Jones obtient blessé aux The Willows?

Is there a chippy nearby?Y a-t-il un chippy près?

Can we have the bill please?Pouvons-nous avoir la facture S’il vous plaît?

That pass was miles forwardCe passage était des milles en avant

Where is the railway station?Où est la gare?

Of course it’s a real student card!Naturellement c’est une vraie carte d’étudiant!Naturellement c’est une vraie carte d’étudiant!

No, actually we are the original red devils. The French press No, actually we are the original red devils. The French press gave us the nickname in 1934.gave us the nickname in 1934.Non, réellement nous sommes les diables rouges originaux. La Non, réellement nous sommes les diables rouges originaux. La pression fFançaise nous a donné le surnom en 1934.pression fFançaise nous a donné le surnom en 1934.

Is there an internet café round here where I can log onto Is there an internet café round here where I can log onto scarletturkey.com?scarletturkey.com?Y a-t-il un café d’Internet rond ici où je peux noter sur Y a-t-il un café d’Internet rond ici où je peux noter sur scarletturkey.com?scarletturkey.com?

We come from Salford, we come from Salford, we come from We come from Salford, we come from Salford, we come from Salford, LancashireSalford, LancashireNous venons de Salford, nous venons de Salford, nous venons de Nous venons de Salford, nous venons de Salford, nous venons de Salford, LancashireSalford, Lancashire

Oh my god, these Cadbury’s chocolates taste just like they do Oh my god, these Cadbury’s chocolates taste just like they do back home?back home?Oh mon dieu, ces chocolats de Cadbury goûtent juste comme ils Oh mon dieu, ces chocolats de Cadbury goûtent juste comme ils soutiennent à la maison?soutiennent à la maison?

Excuse me steward, is there a designated area for us to hang Excuse me steward, is there a designated area for us to hang banners?banners?Est-ce que l’administrateur, là m’excusent sont un secteur indiqué Est-ce que l’administrateur, là m’excusent sont un secteur indiqué pour qu’accrochent-nous des bannières?pour qu’accrochent-nous des bannières?

How on earth do you expect me to shit into that little hole?ow on earth do you expect me to shit into that little hole? Comment diable vous attendez-vous à ce que je chie dans ceComment diable vous attendez-vous à ce que je chie dans ce petit trou? petit trou?

Why are the pavements in this country covered in dog turd? turd? Pourquoi les trottoirs dans ce pays sont-ils couverts dans Pourquoi les trottoirs dans ce pays sont-ils couverts dans des fèces de chien? des fèces de chien? Note: The Scarlet Turkey accepts no responsibility for the Note: The Scarlet Turkey accepts no responsibility for the quality of these translations (blame google) and accepts no quality of these translations (blame google) and accepts no liability for loss incurred due to inappropriate use of these liability for loss incurred due to inappropriate use of these phrases (i.e if you get belted by a burly Frenchman then don’t phrases (i.e if you get belted by a burly Frenchman then don’t blame is). Bonjour blame is). Bonjour

Au Revoir. With hundreds of Reds heading overt to France this season, many of whom will have emptied their head of French at the end of school, we thought it only fair to lay on a quick crash course of the lingo…

Mangetout Rodney, Mangetout!The Scarlet Turkey’s guide

to useful (and not so useful)

French phrases

Alec MurkyWhinging for the Turkey

>> Apologies for getting stuck right into it from the off, but why break the habit of a life-time. Malcolm Alker is in his testimonial year and this season he’s got an itinerary of events planned. Not that you’d know it though. In fact, if this was a printed copy of the Turkey you had just bought and you rarely went on the internet, it’d probably be news to you. Is it just me, or is support from the club vis-a-vis promoting the Testimonial fund a tad pish? We are talking about a player here who is poised to become a legend of this Rugby League club in a bonafi de testimonial. Not a wishy washy Steve Blakeley-esque testimonial, like what Mike Wainwright is celebrating at Warrington. But a full uninterrupted 10 years at the club, the vast majority of whch has been spent as a pivotal member of the squad. However, the organisation and promotion of this great play-er’s fund has been (thus far) slap dash at best. Whereas Wainwright’s testimonial, which to be fair, is a faux one, is gathering at a pace. How faux one, is gathering at a pace. How fauxmany genuine testimonials do you get to cele-

Stevo couldn’t resist waving to the big screen

brate these days? They are rarer than cavities in a hen’s tooth. In the last decade, who have Salford gad reach the 10 year milestone with the club? Mark Lee and Ian Blease? Anymore for anymore? We should be shouting from the rooftops that

Alker has endured, yes endured ten years with us. It should be a priority. Why? Because what’s stopping Malc leaving for pastures new if he gets pissed off with the testimonial busi-ness. For Salford, this is uncompresable. Get it sorted, lets support the lad and give him the memorable testimonial he deserves.>> That being said, you have to congratulate the Reds. The visable branding and promotion of the club is as good as it has been for ten years or so. The corporate sponsorships are way up, there are more events put on by the club and there is more of aire of proffessional-ity around The Willows. And the Rugby side of matters doesn’t seem to be doing to bad either! The most impressive factor, and which has certainly come across this year, is that the commeraderie amongst the squad (as an outsider looking in) seems as jovial and close knit as it has been for yonks. Perhaps the fruits of Karl Harrison’s recruitment policies are really showing now. Not only does the coach aquire players who he thinks will be valuable additions on the pitch, he also assesses their nature off it and their individual personalities. Harrison has compiled a unit in his own image, knowing the types of player who he feels will work for each other and this is clearly evident in the defensive column of the Super League XI table. Recently, Luke Robinson came out with a cracking quote about the increase com-petition for place in 2006; “Pressure makes diamonds”. Now it was most probably a pis-stake, and to be fair he’s paying for it. Fellow squad members have gave him a ribbing about it on GMR phone-ins and TV appearnces alike. Somebody is also cutting the toes off Malcolm Alker’s socks. All immature jokey stuff. But

it’s great to see. It’s obvious that the Salford squad are really getting on which each other. And unlike during the latters years of the Gregory era, we don’t have to be told every week that the spirit in the camp is more than healthy.>> Better late than never, but how good was last year’s Challenge Cup fi nal? A cracking match with numerous memorable incidents. None moreso that the huge infl atable cock that caught the BBC unawares. However, nothing can top John Kear going for a burton live on air in front of millions. Magic. I must say I was surprised he could lift his head off the fl oor nevermind get back up again. After such a spectacle, it sparks the debate, should the Challenge Cup stay in Cardiff or migrate as planned to Wembley. Either way, do you really believe the FA will allow the fi rst big sporting spectacle on the British calendar to be held there to be an RL event? The jury’s out...>> eBay is generally good for a laugh if nothing else. Some disgruntled wag recently had the insight to sell none other than Steve Ganson under the moniker of “Crimes Against Rugby League”. Obviously scorned by a performance they thought was biased towards Hull FC, the product description included the following:Offsides, forward passes...you name it, he missed it. Steve’s ambition is to take a long, sexy bath with the Hull FC squad after a cup fi nal.>> It was great to see the Wigan match get

passed after a what can only be described as a blizzard hit the pitch about 15 minutes before inspection. The novelty of snow on the pitch was cracking. But where was the orange ball?>> “Oh yes, they’re the great pretenders (ooh-ooh)”. We’d kind of reserved this for Warrington, who’s rocky start to the season belied their projected image, which had been hyped beyond recognition in the off-season by all and sundry. However, the torch has to pass over to Wigan. Many tipped them for the top four nevermind the top six. It’s still early days but what’s going on at The JJB? Will Ian Millward pay the price for incuring the wrath of Uncle Mo? Are they just not all that good?>> There’s a number of anniversaries to celebrate this year. It’s 10 years since Salford defeated Wigan in the infamous Challenge Cup shock, marking the end of the Riversid-ers imperial reign over the sport; it’s 15 years since Salford defeated Halifax in the memora-ble 1991 Premiership Final at Old Trafford and 30 years since Salford last won the champi-onship. More about those events in the next issue of the Turkey. It’s also 20 years since Geoff Selby played for a short spell at The Wil-lows. In case you missed it, we’ll be printing a modfi ed version of an article we wrote about Geoff in the last issue of the excellent Thirteen magzine>> RESPECT - the RFL code of conduct. A doucment released by the said organisation about how fans, players and clubs should behave. If you can grab a copy, have a browse and while you’re at it, have a good ole chuckle. I’d hazard a guess that if fans had to stick to this, there’d be no crowds left. Pure bollocks.