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WORTH THE WAIT

The winners of the Bloody Scotland Glengoyne Whisky

Short Story Competition 2012

BloodyScotland.com

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http://www.bloodyscotland.com/

http://www.bloodyscotland.com/



Published by Blasted Heath, 2012

The copyright to all the stories in this anthology remains with the individualauthors.

All rights reserved. o part o! this publication may be reproduced or transmitted inany !orm or by any means without permission o! the publisher.

All the characters in this boo" are !ictitious and any resemblance to actualpersons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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http://blastedheath.com/




Foreword by Iain Weir

#ar"eting $irector%lengoyne &his"y

't(s no secret that characters in crime novels can occasionally be !ound en)oying adram, as indeed can crime !iction readers * and, one might imagine, a !air !ew crime!iction authors too. +n that level alone, there(s a clear synergy between !ine cotch maltwhis"y and -uality cottish crime writing. They literally go hand in hand.

And o! course our %lengoyne distillery is only a short hop along the whis"y trail!rom tirling, home to Bloody cotland, so we are geographical neighbours as well asspiritual soul mates.

But it goes beyond that. cottish crime !iction and malt whis"y are both

international success stories and two o! this nation(s greatest eports. &hy/ Becausehere in cotland we understand that -uality cannot be rushed. ra!ting a great crimestory ta"es time, care, attention and commitment. 't doesn(t happen overnight * butwhen it does come together, it(s magical. At %lengoyne $istillery, we share those corevalues. #a"ing the natural, unpeated taste and !lavour o! the %lengoyne single malt is atimehonoured tradition and a s"illed cra!t that ta"es years o! patience. The result/ +neo! the !inest malt whis"ies in the world.

ou(ll !ind plenty o! crime !iction -uality on show at Bloody cotland, )ust as youwill in every drop o! our !ine malt.

o with that in mind, we were delighted to sponsor Bloody cotland(s inaugural

short story competition. The competition was designed to !ind new talent and showcase-uality writers who have the potential to go on to create something truly special. &ebelieve it has done )ust that. +ur than"s to all 230 writers who entered Worth The Wait

and our congratulations to all the writers whose wor" is !eatured in this collection *with a hearty slàinte to our deserved overall winner, arah 4eynolds.

&e invite you now to sit bac" and savour these !ine crime stories * along with adram o! %lengoyne, o! course. &ill the net star o! cottish crime !iction emerge !romthese pages/ &ell, perhaps not overnight5 but then the best things are always worththe wait6

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http://www.glengoyne.com/

http://www.glengoyne.com/



Contents

Natural Causes - by Sarah Reynolds ...................................................................................................... 6

Flowers On The Flagstone - by Mairi ilson ........................................................................................ !

Magi" #eans - by $wan %ault ............................................................................................................. &3

Mrs al'er - by Caroline %rebbell ..................................................................................................... &(

) *ear )nd ) +ay - by $a,onn %riin ............................................................................................. 24

The +eath O Me - by isa %ray ......................................................................................................... 2(

)ll in the /ast - by 0ane Osis ............................................................................................................... 3&

The /a1er Trail - by /aula M"guire ..................................................................................................... 34

Tenderness - by Flora ennedy ........................................................................................................... 3(

#irdie - by $ilidh Tho,as .................................................................................................................... 44

ildlowers - by 0ose1h nobbs ......................................................................................................... 4!

Following in Fathers Footste1s - by Fran"es )bbot ............................................................................

The +eadweight - by Matthew Storer .................................................................................................. (

)n )lternati5e Sour"e o Mandarins - by To, +i"'son ...................................................................... 64

No Me $ither - by Mindy uigley ....................................................................................................... 6(

+ouble Trouble - by Mi"hael Rigg ...................................................................................................... 73

#lessed )re The Cheese,a'ers - by Noel Chidwi"' ........................................................................... 7(

orth the ait - by Robert 0en'ins ..................................................................................................... (4

The aiter - by 0a,ie %ro5es ............................................................................................................. (!



Natural Causes - by Sarah Reynolds

%illie had always !eared the trains. He had always !eared her. Howling beasts,turning everything to chaos with no more warning than a !aint rumbling beneath histiny home. &hen he8d been tiny himsel! %illie had thought the hammering engines8 )awsonly missed the walls because o! the yew trees on the bend. 'n his dreams he saw adragon, restless in its lair, weeping as it writhed, trying to claw sharp, green leaves !romits gums. &hen there was raspberry )am at brea"!ast, he8d watch his grandmotherhow"ing seeds !rom her dentures with cruel !ingers. ightmare and reality would snapat the rest o! his day. %randma8s )oy was to gnaw the happiness !rom everything. he8dmade a shadow o! his mother long since, whilst he shivered, too young, too small, to

help her. Today though, %illie was ten years old. He was ten, and his mother had pressedhis !ather8s watch into his hand and told him with tears trapped in her eyes that he wasthe man o! the house now.

&hat did a man do/ %illie wondered as he lay on his bac" in the drowsy August sun.The only men he "new were shadows too. #r Bain !rom the village shop, whose handstrembled as he measured and mar"ed, whose le!t leg clun"ed on the wooden !loor andmade him lurch and roll li"e Teacher8s wee, !at dog. hadows. 4everend Arnold, 9armer#coll ... and Teacher8s brother, who got rolled into the schoolhouse cottage garden in acrea"ing wic"er bath chair. &ho sat, pipe smo"e streaming, staring into nothingness.The men %illie "new were all old, or bro"en !rom the war. +r the war had "ept them !or

itsel!, and all that was le!t behind were pictures and silent watches.There were no trains any more. The station had closed when %illie was )ust newlyborn, so he8d never "nown one stop. As he8d grown, he8d learned to place thingsbetween himsel! and his !ears. '! playing in the garden when he !elt the ground shudder,he8d rush the path to the abandoned tic"et o!!ice and stand with his bac" to the rails andhis !eet !irm on the plat!orm. He watched the iron monsters through bro"enwindowpanes, where they could not really touch him. 9our summers ago the trac" hadbeen closed too. A gang o! ten had come to li!t the rails and sleepers. #um made themhot scones and tin mugs o! tea. +ne o! them, Tom, gave %illie chocolate, and stic"s o!gum that he wasn8t allowed.

%illie had been lying in the grass, chewing, watching mum peg the washing out.he8d stopped suddenly to loo" at the railway that was turning into an empty ditch, andat Tom, who had stripped to his waist in the heat. he8d loo"ed at him the way she did atthe picture o! his $a on the mantelpiece.

8That8s your $a, %illie. ou remember your $a, don8t you/8He didn8t. He always nodded anyway.+ne aturday Tom had ta"en #um and %illie out in his car. They8d eaten high tea !ar

away by the seaside and wal"ed on the beach a!terwards. %illie !ell asleep on the wayhome with the waves and the smell o! )oy singing in his mind. He8d wo"en in his atticbed to roars and tears ... a train monster6 o. His grandmother. Tom hadn8t ever come

bac".

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%illie rolled onto his belly and pluc"ed a stal" o! grass to chew. He !lattened himsel!to watch the golden !lec"s o! wasps bu::ing in the tangles climbing the plat!orm walls.ellow gorse, hawthorns and wild brambles had crept !rom the emban"ment tosmother all the neatness %randma boasted %randpa had won pri:es !or. There weresilver cups and certi!icates all over her chint: bedroom !or best"ept station. 1;23, and2<, and on and on until 1;3=, when there weren8t any more. #um said %randma wasstuc" in 1;3=. 't made her very cross.

>verything made her cross, especially %illie, and #um. The more #um did !or her,the more %randma glowered and sniped and spat. %randma peed the bed now too, andnever rang the wee silver bell !or the pot. #um was always washing and pegging. ?astnight %illie had heard her tears escaping again. They8d stolen all the ecitement !rom itnearly being his birthday.

The day was heavy, waiting !or something to nudge it along. &et sheets hunglistless, li"e !lags o! surrender on the line. +nly small things moved. They darted andwhi::ed, carrying sunbeams through the yew grove li"e miniature torches. &asps. %illiesmiled.

8@ill it ... "ill it68 %randma was seething in her great brass bed, a dragon withbleeding gums.

8't8s only a wasp, %randma.88ow, %illie ...8 #um was shooing the bumbling, golden thing out o! the window,

8you8re not to sco!! li"e that. ou "now how bad your %randma ta"es with a wasp.8?ast summer there had been a wasp house under the eaves by %randma8s window.

't was a beauti!ul thing, li"e a cloud caught in the corner. A wasp had stung her. he8dswollen up, and clutched at her chest, whee:ing, with her lips all blue and slobbering.%illie got a shilling !or running so !ast to the village to get the doctor.

The doctor had said the wasps had to go.A man had come !rom ?anar" in a big, blue van. He8d pu!!ed the wasps with smo"e

that made them sleepy. He8d cut their beauti!ul paper home down and set it alight notyards !rom where %illie lay now. The poor creatures, panic"ed and hal!dead, had triedto pluc" their baby wasp grubs !rom their burning rooms. 't was a shame right enough,the man said, standing on the plat!orm drin"ing hot tea as butter oo:ed !rom his scone.tinging things, he8d in!ormed %illie, did not, as a rule, bother you unless you botheredthem. This wasn8t true o! %randma. Teacher was always saying eceptions proved rules.

%illie eased up onto his elbows. The grass was a so!t mattress beneath him, the s"ya warm blan"et above. The sun was glinting on his glass )ar in the hawthorns, ma"ingthe ruby blob o! raspberry )am inside it glow. He !elt a bit sorry !or the insectsimprisoned by the paper cone he8d !olded inside the rim, but they were en)oying the)am. And they8d be !ree soon. >veryone would be !ree soon.

The wasp man had "ept dropping by !or tea and scones. ust passing, he said, andthought he8d ma"e sure the eaves were still clear, even in winter. He8d )ust dropped by!or lunch today ...

8ou "eep your eye on %randma, %illie,8 #um had warned, not a tear at all under thebrim o! her best hat as the wasp man opened his van door !or her. 8he8s not li"ely towa"en i! you "eep yoursel! out here in the sunshine and ma"e sure you8re nice and-uiet. &e8re only going !or a wee run. Bring bac" !ish and chips !or a birthday tea, eh/Aw, don8t loo" at me li"e that68 he8d tottered bac" up the path in her unday shoes to

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twea" his dimples. 8Teatime isn8t that !ar away. The best things are always worthwaiting !or, aren8t they/8

%illie smac"ed his lips. 9ish and chips were the best. He could already !eel hotvinegar nipping his tongue, the pleasure o! scalding !ried potato in his mouth, all grittywith salt. +! course he wouldn8t get to eat them when they came bac". And #um wouldprobably cry. But she8d have the wasp man to cry on, wouldn8t she/ ot some sillypicture o! a soldier in a !rame.

He clawed the paper !rom the )ar with a twig and slapped the lid on. ou had to be-uic", he8d !ound, all the times he8d practised catching them through the schoolholidays. August wasps were slower. The wasp man said they were dying, and bestavoided, because dying things got very grumpy. There were a good do:en o! them!easting on the )am, and this time, not a single one had escaped.

%illie8s !eet were slow on the stairs. He was care!ul, so care!ul, as he opened%randma8s bedroom door inch by inch. The curtains were drawn, and the air was grey,and she was snoring li"e a dragon in its lair. He set the )ar down be!ore tiptoeing toopen the window and part the curtains. %randma8s sweet bowl was on her bedsidetable. Plump, stic"y dates, shining and syrupy in the summer heat. 't was easy enough tosmear one o! the !ruits on the pillow by her drooling mouth, to drop it into the sheathedclaw o! her hand.

>asier too, than %illie had ever thought it could be, to sha"e the wasps !rom the )am)ar and close the bedroom door behind him ...

(



Flowers On The Flagstone - by Mairi Wilson

't was the upturned pram they !ound !irst, behind yon hal!built wall at the bac" o!the school. &here the council had started to build a nursery !or the incomers8 childrento learn our %aelic, but they8d not stayed and the schoolhouse itsel! had !allen emptysince the last o! our own !inished primary. &hich would be why no one had reportedthe pram be!ore, what with the long lying o! the snow that winter too, and the travellersthere till the spring. The police had -uestioned them !irst o! course, but they8d hadbabies in the camp themselves that year and they8d have said nothing about the pramwould they, those tin"s, "eeping to their ways as they do.

A !ine wee pram it had been ' mind well, be!ore the weather got to it. Be!ore its blue

had !aded and its wheels twisted. At !irst the council8s men paid it no heed, )ust a part o!the midden the travellers le!t behind. Then later when she8d seen it there on the !latbedo! $onnie #uc"8s lorry, she8d screamed and carried on something dread!ul.

#any8s the day '8d seen her pushing that pram the length o! The treet down andbac", and bac" and down, its wheels cutting through the snow leaving parallel trac"sli"e the warp threads o! the loom waiting !or its we!t. A bairn li"e that made even astone heart smile, but then it had been a good while since there8d been weans in thevillage and goodness "nows we all missed them. Auld !ol" need young laughter li"eporridge needs salt, and without it we are all the sadder.

he wasn8t !rom the island though, nor even the mainland. ou could tell soon as

loo" at her. Those dar" sloping eyes and that straight sweep o! thic" hair shining blue asa raven8s wing in the sunshine. o, she was not a belonger, that one. eoras g broughther with him when he returned !rom the ships. ' suppose he "new none o! us wouldhave had him, what with the drin"ing and bullying and him so li"e his !ather.

But !or all her strangeness she was a good woman, ' was sure o! it. And even a badone would not have deserved all that happened. Her smile was that sweet, her !ace thatinnocent, it ma"es me near cry to thin" o! it even now. ou could tell she8d le!t the wayso! a port li!e behind, i! indeed the elders were right in those assumptions. Those crosseyed crows would turn their bac"s rather than loo" at her. But '8d long since stoppedcaring what those auld hypocrites thought and hadn8t set !oot in yon cauldron o! a @ir"

since they8d damned me !or my #Crag.8ame the !ather and the ?ord will !orgive you,8 they8d said to me then. 8ame the!ather and the @ir"8s mighty arms may yet embrace you again.8 Aye, and set the @ir"8smighty gossips acluc"ing, '8d thought. And what good would the naming do when he8dnever ac"nowledge what he8d done to me and ' no longer bore the bruises that provedit/ They8d have called me a liar as well as a whore and ' had no need o! a doubledamnation, nor my child o! the dar"ness o! his shadow. 8e:ebel8 they8d called me then,throwing it at my bac" as '8d le!t with my head high in de!iance o! their )udgement. And8e:ebel8 they whispered behind her bac" now.

Perhaps that8s why ' too" to the lonely young stranger, watched !or small ways to

reach her. ' "new what it meant to be cut cold li"e that. amina her name was. trangeto our tongue, but it made me thin" o! the sun and the lapping o! waves on the sand. '

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never heard anyone else call her by her given name. '8d o!!ered her mine but she8d notuse it. 8#rs #ac'ver8, she8d say, though unmarried ' was. #aybe she8d !elt 8>ilidh Bheag8too !amiliar !or a woman older than her own mother.

&hen they !ound the pram, suspicion lit on the travellers again with a certainty o!conviction any #inister might hope !or in a %od!earing !loc". And with that certainty allsorts o! strange wonderings became !act, told and retold over pots o! tea in "itchens,over >!!ie8s Post +!!ice counter between stamps and pensions, and o! course at the baro! the Am 9uaran on those !ew occasions eoras g was absent. &e had a rare talent inthe village !or embellishing our recollections, re!ining and cementing our speculations.And !or blaming our troubles on strangers.

o the police were recalled. uspicions and sightings relayed, rumours retold. Thenthe village settled down and waited.

ou never saw them together o! course, him and wee amina, not be!ore nor a!ter,and not once did ' see that man with his baby. And on the days a!ter the nights whenhe8d roared li"e a winter storm beating in !rom the west, she8d be wal"ing up and down!or hours, whether there was sun to warm her bairn or not. +n those days '8d open mydoor and wait !or her, the "ettle already heated at the hearth. &e all "new why shestayed out so long in all weathers. &e recognised the traces o! a drun"en tattooing.

ot even that time she sat in my "itchen hardly able to swallow a sip !or the paindid ' mention it though. or even when '8d moved the arm that was hugging her sideand li!ted her toobig )umper. The tears had run down her !ro:en !ace as '8d struggled tostill my own at the sight o! the purples and blues o! recent blows, and the greens andyellows o! older. #y mother8s ointment had helped and '8d tuc"ed another pot o! itunder the sleeping bairn8s blan"et !or the net time. Perhaps i! '8d not "ept the silence, i!'8d spo"en up in her name. But who would have listened/

A!ter the ointment, it was a lotion !or her wee lassie8s rash. And then a poultice !orher own tooth that was bothering her. he was interested, ' could see, so ' started toshare the old ways. &e8d always been gi!ted, my !amily8s women, the only daughters o!only daughters on bac" through the generations. The chain was unbro"en until my#Crag8s asthma that day, and me too scared to give her a taste o! the hemloc" roots '"new would ease it till the medics came, !or !ear '8d be mista"en in the amount o! it.

' could give amina a place in the village, '8d thought, so ' too" to teaching her theplants8 many secrets. And she was -uic" too. ' li"ed that. he8d wor" -uietly beside me,care!ul, meticulous. >cept that time a!ter the baby had gone and '8d clattered the metalcoal scuttle on the hearthstone and she dropped the pan o! witch ha:el and stoodsha"ing.

'8d heard it mysel! that night but not "nown it till later. '8d lain in my bed as so o!ten' did listening to him roaring and banging, to her screaming and weeping, and the babycrying all the while. But it had stopped too suddenly that night and ' was !rightened. '8dslipped round to the "itchen door, tapped lightly and waited. 'n time she8d appeared,pulling her cardigan over blood on her dress, eyes darting li"e herring scattering be!orethe nets o! a trawler.

8%o please, #rs #ac'ver,8 she8d begged, 8please go.8 o '8d le!t her. ot happily mind.But '8d le!t her.

Then later that scraping and clattering o! steel on stone, sharp in the night despitethe mu!!ling o! !resh snow !alling thic"ly around us. The snow hadn8t let up !or three

&8



days a!ter that. And when it did the bairn was missing. The police were called and nosespo"ed in but the wee"s passed and nothing came o! it. on lass was beside hersel!. &ell,wouldn8t you be. And himsel! with the !ace li"e thunder.

And the bruises, they said now in the Post +!!ice, hadn8t she earned them whenshe8d lost the poor man8s baby/ 't was her penance, her punishment, his way o! grieving.And who o! us could blame him/ Auld !ools.

he8d have "nown they8d get nothing !rom the tin"s, o! course. And with the pramso near to home she8d have worried the police would get to wondering again. That la:ybrute o! a husband couldn8t even get rid o! a pram right. He8d have thought himsel!clever, mind, leaving it by the traveller camp. ust as stupid he was, as his beast o! a!ather.

But when the police didn8t come bac" and no arrests were reported in the papers,the tal" !aded again. pring turned to summer and the shag iris bloomed yellow in thebog ground where she8d help me pic" the plants !or healing, !or even then she8d stillwor" with me sometimes in the "itchen. But her light had gone and there was reallyonly one -uestion !or me that she had, and she8d as" that same one over and over.

+ne morning as ' opened my door to a watery Hebridean sun, there was somethingin the silence that chilled me. ' !ound them both at the "itchen table, sti!! in their chairs,his !ace twisted, hers serene, and the !lowers on the !lagstone at her !eet li"e a shrine.And ' "new what the sound o! steel on stone in the dead o! that night had been, wherethe poor wee mite had gone to.

'8d loo"ed !or traces o! the roots and !ound them, as '8d "nown ' would, and '8dcleaned the pan where she8d boiled them. o need to ma"e it easy !or the police a!ter all,and ' didn8t want them as"ing me their -uestions.

But too hasty '8d been, going then !or help. '! '8d !elt the !aintest o! !lic"ers at hisnec" '8d have waited. They8d !lown him to the mainland. 't had ta"en some wee"s inintensive care but they8d got him bac". And that8s when we heard his story. How, so hesaid, she8d murdered his bairn. Thrown her body on it when he hit her )ust to spite him,s-uashing the li!e !rom the wee lamb he8d adored, crac"ing bones li"e "indling beneathher. How he8d buried it under the bloody !lagstone to remind her o! her wic"ednessevery time she sat at his table, and how she8d scrubbed the stone clean till it shone li"e anew one again.

'n the village they8d loved his story, -uic" to pity where once they8d been -uic" todamn. But not me. ' "new that !amily and the treachery o! its men, eoras g li"e his!ather be!ore him. He must have struc" her hard that night, !or her to have !allen so. uto!! be!ore it could scream, poor mite. A poo! o! air and then the !eel o! itD the so!tspreading under the very body that had borne it. o mother could live long with such amemory.

He served a short time but the heri!! went gentle on him. His dead mother8s cousin,wasn8t it. And then he came home. 9or a while he stayed away !rom Am 9uaran but thatdidn8t last long and he8d sit in the corner there be!ore bringing a bottle home with hima!ter closing. He8d drin" staring at that !lagstone, !alling asleep with the bottle notempty, wa"ing up with the dawn light to drain it. And all the time ' was watchingthrough the window, loo"ing !or a way to !inish it !or her, to deal him the )ustice '8dnever dared deal his devil o! a !ather.

&&



An empty !rom his bin was easy to !ind, one bottle )ust li"e another. The unloc"eddoor, the bottle switched be!ore dawn, then switched bac" later in the morning. Thathad been easy. 't was the waiting that had been hard. &aiting !or someone !rom Am9uaran to care enough !or his absence to come calling. ear a wee" that had ta"en.

witches clic" and dar" silence settles about me. ot the silence o! the island, butwelcome all the same. ' settle bac" against the narrow mattress o! my bun" and closemy eyes. ' see the s"y glowing red as the sun drops behind the outer isles, bruising thesea purple with its touch. ' see my #Crag playing on the sand and young aminacradling her baby whilst my hand, sure and steady, pic"s the hemloc" we8d both o! usneeded. And in my head '8m home and near happy. #ost days, it8s enough.

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Magi !eans - by Ewan "ault

The station bar is a strange mi o! alcoholic businessmen limbering up !or the o!!ice,a group o! cleaners in oversi:ed coats and a girl dolled up in last night8s clothes. ' sit inthe corner contemplating the menu, waiting !or something to happen. The bar is part o!a chainD the menu glossy with photos o! !ood that loo"s shinier and more succulent thananything appearing on customers8 plates. Through the windows ' watch hristmasshoppers bustling across the station8s concourse. Trains catching their breath humtunelessly along to the chirrup o! hristmas songs that the bar sta!! are torturing uswith.

' loo" at the puggy8s lagerbright lights !i::ing up to the twenty pound pri:e. #y

!ingertips tingle. '8m about to get up when an old boo:ehound lurches over !rom the barand clings to the machine li"e a lover. He drops some coins into the slot and startsserenading it in a rasping voice. The !ruit stops spinning and a barrage o! coins !ire intothe tray. He bends to scoop up his winnings.

8Been waiting on that one all day,8 he cries to the mottled eyes o! his companions. 'imagine this scene being repeated in all these identi"it bars across the country, as thesame music, at the same volume, drives the masses to drin".

o chance o! winning now. ot unless it8s one o! those machines that pay out twicebut it sounded li"e it had emptied itsel!. That leaves me in the same league as the peoplewho hang about the station entrance starting sentences with, 8'8m not a )un"ie but 58

and who are always going to Balloch and have such an insatiable need !or tea thatthey8re prepared to beg !or it.' put down the menu. The barman has been )oined by a barwoman who is lobbing

glances in my direction. ' sit on my hands and read the beer mats. 9or a moment ' havethe terrible certainty that there is a mouse crawling about the insides o! my )ac"et.

The woman comes out !rom behind the bar wiping lager !roth on her blac" apron. 'pretend to be interested in the menu, in the !ood that ' have no money to buy. ' have a!eeling something demeaning is about to happen, that ' am going to have to eplainmysel! in the language o! )ob interviews. But she wal"s right past.

8>cuse me, but you cannae sleep here.8

A braised !ace peers out o! a du!!le coat, stained and stic"y as the pub carpet. Thewoman gives me a 8what can you do/8 loo" and says, 8>cuse me,8 li"e she8s carryingsome epensive load through a crowd. The dreaming du!!le coat doesn8t budge. Thebody under the du!!le coat is curled up, as i! bracing itsel! !or a "ic"ing. ' wonder i! thehori:ons o! his dreams "now what is about to happen.

8Hoy pal, get up.8 A tu!ty brown head appears, !ollowed by eyelashes, blin"ing in thebleary light.

The boy snorts. 8Be gone in a bit. ust need mair 58 He !laps his hand, li"e some sorto! sign language, the last word too pain!ul !or him. The hood o! the du!!le coat is pulledbac" over his head, as i! it8s all the protection he needs !rom the world.

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8&hat planet you on son/ annae sleep here and that8s that.8 The barman has )oinedus, the tea towel he8d been drying the glass with wrapped round his hand, boing glovestyle. 8'8m calling the police,8 he says, loo"ing around him !or approval.

8o, don8t do that,8 ' say. 8' "en the boy !ae school. '8ll see him right.88ou "en that scru!!/8 He scours me with a Brillo pad stare. 89ive minutes and ' want

both ay you out.8' crouch down. 8Beamer, Beamer.8 He stin"s this close, li"e opening a !orgotten

lunchbo at the bottom o! a bag. ' slap his !ace li"e they do on asualty and he startsgagging. He bares his eyes and spits out a tooth. 't rattles on the cold tiled !loor. ' pic" itup. &hite, per!ect, smooth. A virgin tooth, a !riend to his tongue. ' press it gently into hiscold concrete palm. 8@eep it. A dentist could put it bac".8 He snarls and s-uee:es histongue through the s-uare gap. Then he throws the tooth and ' hear it bouncing acrossthe tiled !loor li"e a horrible bone dice.

Beamer burrows bac" into his hood and stares at me with his !rosted eyes, theirises shatterproo! glass through which a pupilsi:ed hole has been shot. &e called himBeamer at school because he had these bright red chee"s, li"e someone always comingin !rom the cold. '8d last seen him at a party in tirling. He8d been physically "ic"ed out!or pulling down all the shelves in a cupboard whilst shouting about another partythrough a secret door. o one was able to !ind his other shoe and there was anembarrassing scene on the doorstep as he used words li"e 8inhumane8 whilst hoppingabout on one !oot. ' had seen him the net evening, hopping about town still wearingone trainer. ' hid in a doorway as he as"ed randoms i! anyone had seen his handle. Theonly thing ' could do was laugh. ' did a lot more laughing in those days.

But now he8s out cold and ' start sha"ing him the way soldiers do in !ilms whentheir buddy8s been hit and they8re angry at them !or dying. He starts slipping o!! thebench and as ' hold him a do:en or so amber pills drop out o! his inside poc"et. ' holdthem in my cupped hand.

8#agic beans, yours !or a !iver,8 he murmurs, li"e some special needs child who8sbeen given one line to deliver at a school play. His eyes start rolling bac" into his head, aparody o! the !ruit machine.

8ou got change o! a tenner/8 He grunts towards his inside poc"et. ' slip my hand inand pull out a wallet.

8He still here/8 the barman bar"s.8?oo"s li"e it,8 ' say, stu!!ing the pills and wallet into my )ac"et.8' told you, i! you dinnae get him out '8m calling the police.88ou8d be as well getting an ambulance and aw. Boy8s totally doomed.8 The barman

loo"s a little stunned by this call !or action, but heads to the phone. The moment hisbac"8s turned '8m o!! out the door.

' have a -uic" shoo!ty through Beamer8s wallet, pull out the money and bin the rest.'t was then that ' came up with the plan to go bac" to tirling and burglarise my dad8snew house. #ore o! a braindri::le than a brainstorm but desperate times and that.He8d promised me a burst lip i! ' set !oot in the house again and there was some sort o!court order banning me !rom going within a mile o! the place. The tirling train8s not !oranother ten minutes and ' try to mingle with the commuters chec"ing and doublechec"ing departure times they already "now.

&4



A woman, who loo"s a lot li"e the actress that plays immy @ran"ie, stands besideme with a luggage trolley. %a:ing at the !low o! commuters she mutters, 8't is not somuch hell they !ear, as the colours they will see now that they8ve got here.8 he turns hereyes on me as ' nod thought!ully, pretending ' understand. +ne o! the station attendantsopens a gate. ' move !orward to get a better view o! the heartwarming moment whensome relative or !riend laden down with bags greets her. But she wal"s right throughthe rush o! people, who curse and dodge her. 9or a minute she stands on the emptyplat!orm and ' cling to the hope that someone will appear. A!ter a bit she returns,ma"ing a beeping noise.

The plat!orm number !or the tirling train comes up and we pile through the gate.ust be!ore we go, some old drun" stumbles into my carriage. He wal"s as thoughstepping over unseen hurdles, holding onto headrests as i! the !loor might suddenly)ump up and greet him. $espite the carriage being hal! empty he sits across !rom me, hismouth opening and closing li"e a man duc"ing !or apples. ' am unsettled by all thismadness and hedonism so early in the day. ' had le!t my !lat thin"ing ' was the only one.

The old !ella "eeps sni!!ing the air as i! chasing my scent. Ta"ing a boo" out ' try tolose mysel! in the words. The man starts placing all his possessions on the tableE wallet,"eys, pac"et o! Polos. He pats each ob)ect then doublechec"s it8s still there with analcoholic8s mistrust o! the inanimate.

The tic"et woman appears with a 8Hello ?enny, is it yoursel!/8His !ace brea"s into the "ind o! smile you normally only see on the !aces o! children

or the insane. He li!ts a hand as though blinded by celestial light and says, 8#aggie/8 heleans !orward and he gently touches her !ace with long yellow nails.

8o where you been today/8 the tic"et woman as"s.8$own to ?args !or some tea and sea air.8 He has an ama:ing voice. ?i"e Ben %unn on

a Treasre !sland tal"ing boo" ' had as a child.8ou8re some man, ?enny.8' am con!used. #y watch says it8s -uarter to si yet this man is claiming to have

travelled to ?args. &e come out the tunnel and ' see the s"y is dar"er than when 'entered the station.

8ight time,8 ' gasp. The tic"et woman and old !ella gape at me as ' try andcomprehend this cartwheeling day.

The train rolls past the dar" shapes o! abandoned railway buildings, lines that areused !or sleeping trains, the cra:y places that gra!!iti artists have gone to get their wordsseen. #y head !eels li"e a balloon lost at a !airground. ' put my tic"et bac" in my poc"etand !eel Beamer8s pills. ' pop two o! them.

The old man chuc"les and pulls out a boo" with a blan" cover. He seems to shapehis lips round words, chews, and lets them roll about his mouth. ' try lipreading but it8simpossible. ' lean over to get a glimpse o! the tet but instead see a page covered inBraille.

' want to lean across and close his eyelids, li"e a priest with a dead man. ' want to"now what shape my !ace is in his head. But it8s my own eyes '8m shutting and my body!eels li"e it8s on the stic"y wall at the shows, when you spin round and round andgravity presses you against the sides.

&



&hen ' wa"e the blind man is mapping my !ace. 8ou alright son, you alright/8 ' pushhis hands away. 8orry son, we8ve terminated. our breathing and heartbeat soundedterribly slow.8

8'8m o",8 ' say, staggering o!! the train li"e '8m climbing stairs in the dar" and "eepta"ing that one etra, imagined step. The blind man shouts a!ter me but his voice soundsli"e people tal"ing in a li!t you8ve only )ust missed.

+utside the station, snow has begun !alling !ast and heavy ma"ing the par"ed carsloo" as innocent as children8s toys. &atching it swarm across the night ' thought thatnow would be the time to phone someone you loved to tell them to loo" out o! thewindow and laugh at the vastness o! it all.

' stop at the tra!!ic lights, the snow soa"ed red, amber, green. +nly one car haspassed this way since the bli::ard began. The snowsmoothed silence ma"es eventhin"ing about the rude insistence o! cars di!!icult. ' :ip my )ac"et to the nec" andshu!!le through the centre, up the old cobbled streets covered in tra!!iccalming devicesto ma"e tooling about town more !un !or the boyracers. ' can see the silhouettes o!statues in the castle8s graveyard. now caps their heads, gathers in hands raised up toheaven. &e used to go up there to drin" and because we could watch bands !or !reewhen concerts were played on the castle8s esplanade. There were ghost tours throughthe graveyard. ome old guy in a sheet employed to !righten people. &e used to hidebehind gravestones, )ump the !ella )ust be!ore the tourists arrived. Haunting old ghosts *that8s what coming bac" here !eels li"e.

' turn the corner onto athedral treet, and momentarily hear carols !rom thechurch as a choir singer steps out to ma"e a phone call. hristmas trees bustle atwindows, big showo!! ones covered in !airy lights, their colours con!used as a 4ubi"8scube.

'! memory serves, and it usually doesn8t, '8m outside my dad8s new place. #yoriginal intention to brea" in was based on the understanding it was morning and he8dbe at wor". ' couldn8t imagine where he8d be on a 9riday night but the lights are all out. 'slip the "ey !rom my poc"et and into the door.

The corridor smells much li"e our old house. &hat can ' say about that smell/ otmuch in words but it !elt com!ortable in a way that wearing someone else8s unwashedclothes doesn8t. ' mean to !ind his bedroom and go through the drawers but wander intothe sitting room. A rectangle o! streetlight slumps on the couch. There isn8t anythingmissing !rom the room but it seems unlived in. A na"ed hristmas tree still trussed up inthe mesh in which it was bought leans in the corner. ' recognise the couch as one thatgot relegated !rom our old sitting room to my sister8s room and then into the garage.The ornaments around the !ireplace are these strange mice eating di!!erent pieces o!!ruit. The strawberry, apple and pear mice are at my mum8s.

He has a series o! school photos o! my sister and me up until when we were aboutthirteen. ' want to "now i! he8d chosen these pictures because they stopped at that ageor i! it was because they were the only ones my mum had given him. They didn8t seemli"e the pictures a dad would choose. ' sit down net to a new stereo and !lic" throughhis record collection, remembering old $ylan and $onovan albums ' hadn8t heard inyears.

' !ire the record on the turntable and drop the needle. $ylan starts singing, the oldvinyl crac"ling in the bac"ground li"e a camp!ire. "ul"ing through the house, ' !ind his

&6



room, the per!ectly made bed, clothes !olded over the bac" o! his chair, shoes standingto attention under it.

' ra"e through drawers poc"eting loose change. Fnder the soc"s and belts andhandstrengthening gadgets ' !ind a pile o! porn mags. ' throw them onto the bed.4eaders8 &ives, <0G and other amateur shite !ull o! s"an"ing birds. ' !eel strangelysatis!ied that this is where my dad is at. ' stash them bac" into the drawer and notice acreased leather wallet !rom bac" in the day. ' pic" it up. 't !eels as !amiliar as his palm.'nside there8s a couple o! cards and a picture o! my mum. ' ta"e out a gold credit cardand am about to go when the !ront door slams.

The !loorboards crea", a woman spea"s and my dad tells her to be -uiet. #y head!i::es li"e '8ve )ust done a load o! poppers. ' move towards the toilet li"e a puppet whosestrings have got tangled. All ' can hear !rom downstairs is $ylan8s sad voice.

' sling the window open. The night air hits me li"e a wet towel. 't loo"s a long waydown but the snow will so!ten the !all. #y dad is coming up and there8s no way ' can!ace him li"e this. ' )ump. #y an"le crac"s and a searing pain stabs !rom heel to hole. 'blin" bac" the tears and start running. He8s out the door !ast. 9uc"er8s going to catch me,nothing surer. His !ootsteps are closing in. Then suddenly they slow and '8m pullingaway.

84ichard,8 he shouts. 84ichard.8 't8s his voice, shouting my name. ot because he8sangry or disappointed but because he wants me to stop.

'8d do anything !or him, but ' can8t loo" bac". ' ta"e o!!. He doesn8t !ollow. By thetime '8m at the station my an"le8s causing me serious grie!. The train rolls in and ' limpaboard pulling my in)ured !oot up on the seat. ' gub a couple more pills and slip into asleep !ull o! treacle people, chasing me with their cloth !aces, !eatureless but !or blan"glittering eyes that rattle as they run.

The man collecting litter !rom the carriages at ueen treet wa"es me with a prod. 'uncrumple my bones and hobble onto the plat!orm. The immy @ran"ie woman iswaiting !or me, ma"ing her highpitched beeping sound. ' sit on the luggage trolley andshe pushes me to the tic"et gates.

8&elcome,8 she singsongs, 8but watch what you do with your eyes.8 The stationwor"ers don8t blin" as we roll past people8s an"les, the station bar a dar" !orest o!upturned stools.

%eorge -uare8s hristmas lights * gaudy angels and ringing bells * havemomentarily mal!unctioned and the &inter &onderland is closing, the s"aters goinghome. #y poc"ets are heavy with gold and my heart !eels heavy and cold. The snowhasn8t arrived here yet and only ' "now that the heavens are about to open, the realangels about to descend. ' wal" past insomniac pigeons, pic"ing at patches o! pa"orapu"e, crunch plastic cups no longer !illed with hristmas cheer. ' stretch mysel! out on abench and await the blessed bli::ard, the !irst touch o! snow, gentle as !orgiveness.

&7



Mrs Wal#er - by Caroline "rebbell

' !ocused on the lips in !ront o! me. The sharp little birdy bea". 't cheeped andtwittered as ' stripped the polish !rom my thumbnail, !eeling the gritty !la"es settleacross my tongue.

8cared/ +! !lying/ +h now, there8s nothing to be scared o!.8 A little bird would saythat, ' thought.

8Pac" it yoursel!/8 es.o, nothing eplosive. othing tangible at any rate.it, seatbelt, ehale. 't was dar" in the cabin and ' gradually became aware o! a

prolonged !idgeting at the very edges o! my vision. ' tipped my head bac" and shut my

eyes to await the inevitable. 't may ta"e a little longer than epected, the empty seatseparating us would act as a minor deterrent, but it would come. &ithout a doubt, itwould come.

' held my own hand as the plane taied into position, then the pause !ollowed by theweirdness, the wailing ahead o! acceleration. >yes still closed, ' observed mysel! as alittle girl. ' was dancing in the garden. owboy hat, silver sishooter in each hand, aleatherloo" holster belt sliding to the ground across noneistent hips. The taperecorder balanced on the window ledge, turned up !ull. ' made mysel! remember thewords, reciting them in the lowest o! whispers, distracting mysel! !rom the !light ahead.Anyone might have thought ' was praying.

' was going to wallow in this time away, clear my head, ' "new nobody in %lasgow.Then there it was, the light touch on my !orearm.8Are you travelling to %lasgow/8 And again. 8>cuse me ...8' opened my eyes and loo"ed down at the hand which rested lightly on my arm.8' was )ust wondering i! you8re travelling to %lasgow/8#anicured nails, not long, but cared !or.' turned my head towards her but managed to avoid eye contact. 8&here is this

!light going to/88%lasgow.88&ell, it loo"s li"e we8re both travelling to %lasgow then.8

he smiled a brittle smile. 8'8ve bothered you, '8m sorry. ' don8t o!ten !ly alone.8Teeth small and white li"e a child8s. 8'8m nervous.8

7 7 7 7

The woman turned away and ' noticed a delicate !iligree o! !rost on the window.The so!t curls o! her hair had settled to lie still against the nape o! her nec", a daintywhite !lower in each ear, edelweiss, or daisies perhaps. #y stomach lurched as the planele!t the ground and the woman became agitated, repetitively pushing at a topheavydiamond, sliding it around with her thumb, automatically, as one might !inger a rosary.

That made two o! us in prayer. ice roc", i! a bit too bling with the daisies, ' thought.

&(



he wasn8t that young. $e!initely more li"e !orty than thirty!ive. ust li"e me. ' sawmy hand !loat towards her shoulder. he turned with a start then !linched, as i! beingcalled !or her own eecution.

8' hate !lying as well. ' get irritable, my apologies.88#y husband isn8t -uite right.8 The woman gestured towards the vacant seat

between us, as i! the man was sitting there.8'8m sorry/88He8s not well.88+h dear ... '8m sorry to hear that.8't wasn8t loo"ing good.8+h, it8s nothing serious.8' wished '8d sat somewhere else. ' shouldn8t have !lown that morning.he continued. 8'8ll only be gone !or the night. A bit o! business to tidy up on his

behal!, that8s all. He got me a room in the city centre ... my husband. He thought '8d li"ethat 5 to stay in the city.8

he leant !orward then gestured towards the !ootwell below the empty seat. 8&ouldyou mind/8

8+! course.8As ' !olded bac" the metal clip o! my seatbelt, ' wondered why ' was about to reach

!or this woman8s handbag when she was sitting as !ar !rom it as ' was. ' plon"ed it ontothe middle seat with a mild disdain that went unnoticed.

The woman produced and opened a large leather purse, repositioning it to !ace me,as i! displaying a desirable lot at auction. A heavily tanned, shinyheaded man glared outthrough a scratched plastic s-uare. He wore sunglasses and a blue shortsleeved shirtwhich clung to his belly. #atching shorts led to brawny legs, then to white sport soc"s,hac"ed away at the edge o! the photograph to render his shoes a mystery. Behind himstood the blac" )agged spi"es o! a palm tree, motionless against a luminous s"y.

8&illiam ... Bill. #arried !or three years, three years three months.8 Her eyestwin"led, as i! the number was somehow magical. 8o children. ot that we didn8t wantthem ... a !ew problems.8 As she spo"e, the woman li!ted a little plastic bottle !rom herbag and with an unceremonious movement, placed two white pills onto her tongue. hedropped her head bac", sha"ing it li"e a gull and !or an instant, the curls o! her hairbounced !ree.

' studied him, &illiam ... Bill, !or as long as ' could bear. An image o! a child or a petwas easy, how sweet, how cute, but ' was thrown by this steely !igure. His ga:esomehow interrupted, this was no care!ree snap ta"en by the pool. A!ter severalminutes the woman closed her husband over with a slow !old and placed her palm !latonto the leather. he patted the purse once, then twice, be!ore burying it deep into herbag which she o!!ered bac" to me. ' clenched my !ingers to "eep them still and watchedas she dropped the bag to the !loor, sliding it below the seat in !ront o! her with thepoint o! a shoe. ' leant bac" and closed my eyes in an attempt to tune out the crac"s andgroans emanating !rom the straining body o! the plane. 9or me there was no such thingas a smooth !light.

' awo"e sometime later to the clac"clac"ing o! seat belts. The plane had landed andthe other passengers were standing, crushing against each other, sharing between themthe same impatient shallow breaths o! stale cabin air.

&!



The woman had gone. ' hadn8t !elt her leave, even though she would have had toclimb over me. ' watched the ma)ority o! passengers clear be!ore standing, and as ' did,my eyes dropped to the !loor, to the bag still wedged beneath the seat. ' stretched downand pulled it !ree.

8>cuse me, the lady ' was sitting net to has ...88%oodbye 5 than" you 5 goodbye 5 goodbye ... than" you ...8 The steward gestured

towards the steps with the enthusiasm o! a poisoned shrub.8' was )ust trying to eplain that the lady net to me le!t her ...88orry ... goodbye ... than" you ... customer services ... this way 5 than" you 5 bye ...8A second o!!icial had been positioned on the tarmac at the bottom o! the steps.

Teting !uriously, head down, a spare arm was pointing away !rom the obvious dangerso! strolling into a )et engine.

8Hi there 5 this way ... hi ... this way ... hi ... hello 588ould you tell me 588orry, this isn8t my 5 you8llhavetoas"i!you)ustgothrough 58' could have made him listen. ' could have been more assertive.' entered the terminal as a stretcher crashed through the door !rom theladies8 toilets.There was a body. A mas", tubes, ' couldn8t tell. ' !ound a place alongside the

paramedics and attempted to spea" to them as they moved.8>cuse me, ' thin" ' was sitting with this ...88ot now, we8re sort o! busy ... stupid cow.88But, ' ...8The stretcher pierced, then split the crowd. +n the !loor lay a single white !lower.The last !ew passengers shu!!led through the !rosted glass o! the arrivals area. '

stood and watched them as they cleared. ustomer services, lost property, whicheverappeared !irst, ' would hand the bag in and be done with it. Put it behind me. %et intothe city and !ind a bar. But ' dri!ted past these places without see"ing eplanation. TheIJKLM OQRJSLI UJV JVSUL OLSWOVS OXQLIY Z [\XSII ]ULX ^XUOMS_ KJ K IKOVSJ ` IQ]KL IQ\tedium lapping about her.

The handbag "noc"ed lightly against my thigh as ' cleared the gates and movedalong the epectant grins o! the remaining meeters and greeters. They stretched theirnec"s to peer around me and a child swung on the rail, her !lat hair sweeping across the!loor li"e a !ine sil" cloth. As ' reached the end o! the barrier a man stepped into mypath. ' had started to swerve to avoid him, my head down.

8&al"er/8He held a sheet o! white paper against his chest. ' hesitated then !ound mysel!

smiling. ' stared at the word. 't was written in red biro. &al"er.A thic"set guy appeared !rom the gentleman8s toilet, a dry hand rearranging his

!lies. There was a dar" spot the si:e o! a !ive pence piece on the !abric o! his trousers. Heloo"ed at my chest then bac" to the !irst man.

8#rs &al"er/ &e thought you8d done a runner.8 He smir"ed and tapped his crotchlightly and brie!ly !or a !inal time. 8&ell, certainly worth the wait.8 There was gun" in thecorners o! his mouth which stretched in threads between his lips as he spo"e.

The !irst man remained still, his ga:e set.8#y apologies #rs &al"er, his manners need some re!ining.8

28



' smiled again, a !re-uently used but irritating personal reaction. Pause !or a smile,give mysel! the chance to reconsider a more appropriate response. ' viewed it as onemight view a thic" slathering o! barrier cream. A precautionary measure that seldomwor"ed.

#y !ingers curled more tightly around the handles o! the bag. ' had no idea what todo, how to react to these men. ' was already in !ree !all, everything ' had le!t behind,everything ' had based my li!e on had recently turned to crap. But this new anietythrilled me, the un!oreseen was intoicating. ' blin"ed hard in an attempt to push awaythe notions that !looded my mind. ra:y idea. tupid. 't will end in tears. But it might be!un !or a while. 't was )ust too tempting. How bad could it be/

8#rs &al"er, are you !eeling alright/8>actly one wee" be!ore, almost to the minute, driving through the dar", the

pouring rain, windscreen wipers at !ull tilt. ' remembered the car as it moved below theroad bridge. 9or an instant everything was still. o rain. o sound. larity.

' opened my eyes and read the name again. &al"er.8#rs &al"er, are you o"ay/88es. es, '8m !ine than" you.8' would be eposed within the !irst hour but why not/ 9or %od8s sa"e ' thought, !or

%od8s sa"e, )ust !or once have the courage to do something spontaneous.8?et8s go gentlemen.8

7 7 7 7

The !irst man gestured towards the eit and the three o! us wal"ed out o! theairport and across to the car par".

8ice enough night !or it #rs &al"er.88es, it is indeed.8#y stomach was churning and it was all ' could do not to laugh out loud. The second

man split o!! to the pay station, catching up with us in time to hold the car door open !orme. ' hesitated slightly be!ore getting in but by then ' was on a roll. ' !elt li"e a teenagerchoosing a bus ride over the dreariness o! another school day. The leather upholsterys-uea"ed as ' ad)usted my s"irt. ' set the woman8s handbag, and my own, onto the seatnet to me and thought bac" to the !light. ' could have sat anywhere. $id a bi:arre !atelead me to my place on the plane, which in turn lead me to the interior o! this car, tothese two men, these two strangers delivering me, Bill8s wi!e, to her hotel !or herbusiness meeting/

The second man wal"ed around the car, !lic"ed his cigarette across the concrete andslid in beside me. He ehaled as he pulled the door towards him and ' watched thesmo"e curl o!! the window. 't smelt cheap and )abbed at my throat. A plastic yellow andpin" hula dancer stood paralysed in the centre o! the dash. he was the only thing o!colour in the car, her lips the only red.

The !irst man, the driver, leant over his phone !or a !ew seconds be!ore tossing itinto the door poc"et. He bac"ed the car !rom the space, moved through the barriers,then the roundabouts and onto the motorway that led to %lasgow. As he drove he set hiselbow against the window and all !our doors loc"ed with sharp clic"s.

8How long be!ore we get there/8

2&



8ot long. it bac". >n)oy the scenery.8The driver leant !orward and turned the $ player on. The volume startled me and

the second man put his hand on my leg, brie!ly, as one would do to reassure an ancientrelative.

8%eorge ones.8' !elt a damp chill creep across the s"in on my bac". He nodded and wiped the

unpleasantness !rom his mouth to leave a pasty smudge on his sleeve.8He8s smashin8. A pure legend.8' didn8t "now who %eorge ones was but ' "new ' didn8t li"e this man. ' too" out the

woman8s purse and loo"ed at the photograph. The sweaty husband. ' thought o! my ownhusband. The disappointment. &e pulled o!! the motorway and drove !or another mileor so, the roads becoming less and less populated. The car then slowed to turn tightlyinto a paved alley. 4ight, then right again. #y heart was racing.

8's this the hotel/ ' thought ' was staying in the city centre/ #y husband ... hethought ' would li"e the city centre.8

&e pulled up at a set o! electric roller doors. The driver retrieved the phone anddialled, slowly edging the car !orwards beneath the grey metal edge as it inched higherin gradual )er"s to reveal the space behindD a sober, rectangular building comprisingthree massive runs o! window. The space beyond the glass appeared to be glowing, tobe moving, sha"ing. ' rubbed my eyes and my !ocus shi!ted. A ban" o! colossal silos satvibrating within a cloud o! dust that hung in the air. 't cast a pin" !ilter across the scene,con!using me. $ashes o! !luorescent tubes chopped the strange !og into chun"s, betweenwhich the silos mar"ed a certain time and although there was a rhythm o! sorts it wasnot one o! calm.

The driver spo"e so!tly into his phone but ' couldn8t hear what he was saying andhis conversation was brie!. The engine stopped and the loc"s snapped open. The secondman got out as the driver turned to spea" to me. either o! the men was smiling.

8Here we are #rs &al"er. ?ast stop.8' swallowed, !inding my throat parched and hard, and slid mysel! towards the car

door where the second man stood with an outstretched hand. >verything was dar"around him.

8's this the hotel/8 ' whispered, barely audible. ' "new this wasn8t a hotel. ' stepped!rom the car, which moved immediately away to vanish into the blac"ness that had ussurrounded.

8&here is he going/ ?isten, ' thin" '8ve made a terrible mista"e.8' noticed a shape against the wall and opened my mouth to call out but as ' changed

my position ' saw it to be a pile o! !abric or sac"s or gravel, ' couldn8t tell. All ' "new wasthat it wasn8t the person who would save me. The second man pressed his hand into thesmall o! my bac" and ' tried again.

8'! you would let me eplain 5 there has been a mista"e 5 this is all wrong.8He directed me towards a steel door, the pressure in his hand now more

determined. The door swung open on its thic" hinges yet ' couldn8t see anyone on theother side. &e entered the building and as my !ear grew ' became aware o! the boomingo! the silos that pounded the space surrounding me. ' !elt unsteady, the pressure in myhead a thunder which crac"ed against my s"ull.

22



8ou don8t understand, '8m not #rs &al"er. he was at the airport, she was ill andthey too" her away, i! you would )ust let me eplain.8

' could !eel the heels o! my shoes hitting the concrete, then the so!t carpet o! dustwhich slid beneath to eradicate my grip. ' was losing balance.

8' can prove it, ' have '$ in my bag.8 At this ' saw both bags sitting on the bac" seat o!the car. 8#y bag, it8s in the car, where has the car gone/8

7 7 7 7

The noise was staggering, the smell o! grain heady and sweet. ' was reminded o!grandmother8s house on the day they !ound her. The sweet miasma o! decay. ' turned, intotal panic, to !ace the man. ' held out my hand, which shoo" as i! diseased, and ' placedit onto his arm. ' was reaching !or a !lic"er o! compassionD one ' "new wasn8t there.

8ou have to believe me. Please, get the car bac" and ' can prove it. ou are ma"ing ahuge mista"e.8

' couldn8t hear mysel! tal" and in my terror realised he had no intention o! trying tohear me, trying to understand. He glanced again at my chest then stared through me, asi! ' was no longer human. He too" a hold o! my arm and led me through another door.&e wal"ed beneath a heavy steel beam and ' noticed the thic" layer o! dust along itsedge as it passed above my head. ' remember thin"ing how odd it was to noticesomething so insigni!icant. ' remember thin"ing how each second was a li!etime yethow my li!e had passed as i! in a second. The door swung to a close behind me and ' !eltmysel! become very cold.

23



A $ear And A %ay - by Ea&onn "ri''in

' remember reading something once about how time seems to go by !aster the olderyou get. ot on a secondbysecond basis, perhaps, but on a wee"bywee", monthbymonth, seasonbyseason basis. Time slips away. And it slips, so the article said, becauseyour brain perceives each unit o! time a wee", say as a percentage o! your whole li!eeperience. o, when you8re young, that wee" stretches out impossiblyD the wee"endnever seems to come. &hen you8re older, the wee" goes by between blin"s i! you don8tpay attention to the moment. 't8s always #onday morning again.

' can8t remember i! that piece ' read was what passes !or newspaper hard science or)ust some gossipy opinion in a maga:ine, but ' "now how the person who wrote it !elt.

'8m li"e the dog in a Tom and erry cartoonD ' can go where ' want, but only as !ar asthe chain allows. A chain held !ast by a spi"e driven !irm into the ground. &asn8t the dogcalled pi"e too/

>ven in cartoons, you become what restrains you.?et me eplain a little more.

7 7 7 7

&e meet in the same pub, at twelve noon, every three hundred and sitysi days.+ver time, that ta"es some doing. Planning, dedication, gumption.

?ies.?ies li"e you wouldn8t believe. +r maybe you would. ' shouldn8t pry. '8m here to tal",not to listen, a!ter all.

' shouldn8t have even been there in the pub that !irst time.' had a date. 't was a beauti!ul sunny day and ' had a new Tshirt on and ' had a

date. >cept she teted me this was bac" in 200; when everyone still had mobilephones to say that she was tired and she was sorry at such short notice and whatever. 'got the tet about hal! past eleven. By twenty to twelve ' was in the pub.

' was three gulps into my second pint when it all went dar" around me. Andstanding between me and the sunlight was asper. He had two pints in his hands.

8Hey.88Hey.8' didn8t "now asper that well. He was )ust one o! those guys. Those guys you

recognise and nod to in the street and whatever and probably met at a party or awedding, or who went out with your sister once years ago. +ne o! those guys.

8%ot you a drin",8 asper said. He sat down opposite, all smiles.8How did you "now/8 ' said, indicating the beer. Blac" heep bitter, in the logoed

glass.8aw you through the window. 9elt li"e stopping by. As"ed the ginge on the bar.8

asper rolled his eyes li"e that sort o! thing should have come as easily to me as it

apparently did to him.o.

24



8o what8s the bee!, chie!/8 asper as"ed. He always tal"ed li"e that. 8ou8ve neverbeen a boo:er.8

He was right. ' wasn8t.'8m not.o ' told him, a little at !irst. About this girl. asper nodded, saying encouraging and

supportive things every now and again. &omen, eh/ And "ept buying the drin"s. '8do!!er, but each time he8d )ust wave his hand li"e it was nothing, and nip bac" to the bar!or two more.

oon he had the whole story. The brea"up with my last girl!riend, the months o!living alone, the internet dating that was big then too and this, today8s, date.

And then the tet.8Bet you want to "ill her,8 asper said.8@ill her/88ure. Thin" about it. Bac" in a moment,8 asper said, gesturing bac" over to the

gents.He came bac" with crisps. 8&ell/8' opened the cheese and onion, tearing the bag wide and spreading out the pac"et

!or us to share. Then ' told him why not. Between mouth!uls. &hy that was etreme,mental, over the top. And as '8d never met her and didn8t "now where she lived,impractical.

89air point. But,8 asper said, indicating passersby, 8what about one o! them/ Arandom/8

8&hy/88Thin" about it.88That8s sic".8asper lic"ed salty yellow crisp dust !rom his !ingers. 8's it/8And that was how it started. +ver more snac"s and more pints we discussed the

details. Pic" a loner, someone easy. 4andom selection so as to avoid lin"s bac" to eithero! us. 9ollow them bac" to their home. 'mprovise. Ta"e out our !rustrations on their!rames. +n their bodies. +n their lives.

't was )ust pub tal". At !irst.The !irst one was simple enough. An old guy. #aybe seventy. &e saw him and )ust

"new. ?i"e he had a blac" halo around him.&e dran" up !ast and wal"ed behind him. &e played games, alternating being up

close and then dropping bac". Fntil we got to his terrace. Bins in the little !ront garden,scrubby weeds on the path.

't too" less time than you8d imagine. Here, then not, and that was that. asper too"him apart. He let me have a swing, but he did the wor".

&e stayed there !or ages. ' made something to eat. &e didn8t tal" at !irst.Then we made an agreement, over the old man8s beans spooned over the old man8s

bread, toasted. ot to be seen together. ot to discuss. But to meet up, in a year and aday.

The interval was asper8s idea. ' li"ed the sound o! it, so ' agreed.' washed up and dried the pots while asper went through the old guy8s stu!!. '

wiped down any sur!aces we might have touched, using a bleachedout souvenir teatowel. ?langollen. '8ve still never been there.

2



asper dragged the body to the bottom o! the stairs. Then we did a last chec"around, went out the bac" way through the "itchen, through a grey rear yard that led toan alley beyond.

+n the wal" bac" into town, ' deleted the girl8s name !rom my address boo", andthen did the same to all the tets to and !rom her. And that was that.

7 7 7 7

' watched the papers !or days a!ter, epecting something. 't never came. Therenever was a mention. ot even one o! those stories about council wor"ers !inding alongdead someoneorother a!ter a neighbour8s complaint about how bad the drainswere stin"ing. And, eventually, our anniversary came around.

And so what would become our ritual began.+ver time, we established a rhythm. A groove. A duet.&ith the passing o! time we got con!ident. &e developed competencies.&e too" turns.

7 7 7 7

asper was more impetuous, more o!! the cu!!, more creative. He was stabbings andblunt !orce trauma and spatter patterns and periodic headlines.

'n comparison, ' was staid. +!ten as not, the ones that ' led were never reported asanything other than tragedies waiting to happen.

The so!t ballooning o! a smothered !ace.%entle but restricting hands.+nce, a gi!t o! methadone.ometimes, there8d be trin"ets. #oney, only ever cash, because you never "new

what they could do with computers. ouvenirs. ' li"ed to ta"e boo"s i! we did them attheir homes. asper was more * more varied. '8d pretend not to notice, o!ten as not.

>very year and a day. The same pub. '8m not sure what we8d have done i! it hadclosed down. >very year ' dran" the same bitter. >very year he dran" whatever was in!ashion. Bottled cider with ice. 9ancy lagers. +ne year '8m sure it was gin and co"e.

ometimes we8d be there maybe an hour. ometimes it would ta"e all day and intothe night until the right one came by.

ome years it too" over my li!e. ome years it was never there until the day camearound and with it whatever ecuse '8d con)ured up to be away !rom wor", !rom home,!rom the new !amily that8s since grown up around me. 9rom my wi!e, who turned up toher date. 9rom the two "ids, one o! each, who have since grown !rom babes to childrento young adults, almost old enough to buy drin"s in pubs themselves.

But ' accommodated it all. These days out became both part o! me and somethingoutside o! me. ?i"e a holiday romance.

&e even had an alibi sorted outD that asper and ' were secret lovers and wouldhave been with each other i! the police ever came as"ing. They never did.

7 7 7 7

26



But everything loses its appeal over time. '8m doing this, not out o! the needs and!rustrations ' had when ' was young, but out o! routine. ' don8t "now i! that ma"es me abetter person, or a worse one.

This isn8t me. 't isn8t. '8m not a murderer. '8m )ust someone who8s murdered. &homurders. That8s a big di!!erence.

&ould you want to be )udged on less than point three o! one percent o! your adultli!e/ &ould you thin" that !air/

#e neither.

7 7 7 7

't8s twelve soon, and today8s the day. +ur almost annual general meeting. Andthough '8m balder and !atter than ' was all those years ago, and though asper will bestill greyer and thinner in the !ace and he may have newer glasses with thic"er lensesthan be!ore, we8ll still act the same way with each other.

He8s the spuro!themoment one. The same as he was that !irst time. The same ashe was last year with that woman and that blade that ' didn8t "now he had in his hand.

But it8s not his turn this year. 't8s not his time to ta"e the lead today.'8ve thought about this !or as long and as hard as the advancing cloc" has permitted.Times change. The beer doesn8t taste the same as it did all those years ago. Hoppy

dryness has degraded to metallic soil.' hate the asteris" in the diary. ' hate that the crisscrossed lines that are always the

!irst mar"s ' ma"e in each successive new year8s volume wait !or me, and that as theyears pass, they grow more impatient.

' can8t bear the waiting any more.And so '8ve come to a decision, made preparations.'nstead o! sitting in that pub !or !ate or destiny or random chance to bring someone

towards us, '8ve already made my selection.The spi"e in my poc"et is heavy.'8m not sure asper will approve.'8m not sure that8ll matter.

27



The %eath O' Me - by (isa "ray

Today is the day that '8m going to die.Have ' got your attention now/ %ood. orry !or coming over all dramatic there but,

as you can imagine, this is -uite a big deal !or me. &hen the person you should havebeen able to trust more than anyone else in the world is about to s-uee:e the very li!eout o! you, drop by bloody drop, that merits a bit o! drama, surely/ 9or most o! us,murder is something that happens in !ilms or television shows. >specially i! you8reun!ortunate enough to live in the village o! #idsomer or happen to "now essica9letcher. That8s what it was li"e !or me anyway. 9antasy, !iction. That is, until ' met him.To be honest, '8ve "nown !or a long time now that this day would come. '8ve !elt death

closing in on me. +ne o! us was going to end up si !eet under and ' "new it wouldprobably be me.'8ve been thin"ing about murder -uite a lot recently. About how the act itsel! is

probably -uite easy to commit i! you really put your mind to it and have the balls toactually do it. 't8s getting away with it that8s the tric"y part. That8s what '8m counting on,anyway. ' don8t want to end up with a starring role in one o! those documentaries aboutunsolved crimes in years to come. ou "now, with interviews with people that ' didn8teven li"e very much, wearing their obligatory sad epressions and sha"ing their headsand saying things li"eE 8't8s the not "nowing that8s the worst part. 't8s about gettingclosure.8

o, how did it come to this/ ?et me try to eplain by ta"ing you bac" to the verystart. 't was a hot une night, the year was 200. 't was in the middle o! the &orld upand ' remember >ngland were playing. 't was standing room only in the pub and mosto! the men were weden !ans !or the night because cotland hadn8t -uali!ied and theonly option was to support whoever >ngland were playing. ' was out with the girls andnot loo"ing !or anything serious. ure, ' was dating a !ew men, ' had my admirers. '8mnot too modest to admit that ' was a bit o! a loo"er bac" then. urves in all the rightplaces and happy to show them o!!. ' was happy. ' had a wellpaid )ob with a big publicrelations !irm, a !un group o! !riends and a busy social li!e. But he was )ust my type.

He chee"ily tugged my s"irt as ' passed by his table on my way to the bar. ' didn8t so

much as do a doubleta"e as almost brea" my nec". 9or a start, he stood out !rom thecrowd because he didn8t have a beergut or !eel the need to whoop and )eer every !ewseconds and, more importantly, his penetrating green eyes were !ied !irmly on merather than the bigscreen telly.

' was mesmerised. Thic", dar" hair curled around the collar o! a light blue shirt. Thesleeves were casually rolled up showing o!! toned, lightly tanned !orearms. Athleticwithout being a nonec" musclehead. ?ong legs wrapped in blue denim suggested hewas at least si !oot tall even though he was sitting down. He wore a large, epensiveloo"ing silver watch and, than"!ully, no wedding ring. His lips curved upward, eposingeven white teeth and a "nowing grin that said 8'8m coming home with you tonight.8 He

was right. He did come with me that night and he never le!t. 't was the start and,although ' had no way o! "nowing it at the time, it was also the beginning o! the end.

2(



The relationship was wildly passionate and !righteningly tempestuous right !romthe outset. ' was a !eisty type, gave as good as ' got. Plates, wine glasses, in !act anythingwithin reach, would be smashed as terrible rows escalated into !ull blown screamingmatches. Then we would "iss and ma"e up. As !or the time spent in the bedroom, well,'8m sure ' don8t have to spell it out !or you. &hen he wanted to be, he could be thesweetest man in the world. ' told mysel! that all couples had to ta"e the rough with thesmooth and had to wor" hard to ma"e relationships wor". To me, it was no di!!erent tothose da!t soaps ' used to watch.

Then he hit me.'8d told him ' would be late home !rom wor". The company had a potential new

client and they wanted me to ta"e him out !or dinner, have a !ew drin"s with him andma"e sure he signed on the dotted line. The client was !at, bald and in his f0s. Theremight have been some harmless !lirting involved but ' was good at my )ob, ' waspro!essional, and ' "new where to draw the line. A couple o! bottles o! wine later, thecontract was in the bag and ' headed home !eeling a little bit tipsy and a big bit pleasedwith mysel!.

't was almost one a.m. when ' silently slid my "ey into the door and slipped out o!my shoes in the dar"ened hallway so as not to wa"e him. ' headed !or the lounge,wondering whether to have a cup o! tea be!ore bed, when ' heard movement. #y eyeshadn8t even had a chance to ad)ust to the gloom when ' !elt him grab my hair and smashmy head against the wall. Then he punched me so hard he "noc"ed me o!! my !eet andonto the so!a.

' cried, he cried and he promised me it would never happen again.o amount o! Touch clat was going to cover such a cor"er so, the net day in the

o!!ice, ' put the blac" eye down to a lethal combination o! too much #erlot and !ive inchhristian ?ouboutin heels. The other girls giggled at my clumsiness but my ownlaughter was !orced. A!ter that, the lies came easily.

As the years passed, the giggles were gradually replaced with concerned glancesbetween colleagues as the 8accidents8 became more !re-uent. lose !riends were awareo! the truth and begged me to leave him. ' "new he would "ill me i! ' did but ' also "new'8d end up dead i! ' didn8t wal" away. '8m sure you can understand the predicament 'was !acing. $amned i! ' do, damned i! ' don8t, as they say.

' should have realised there would be no happy ending, that it would all come downto this moment. o here ' am now, bracing mysel! !or the end. Thin"ing o! !riends ' willnever see again, "nowing panic will soon engul! my !amily when they realise somethingis badly wrong. ' "now, ' "now, '8m being all dramatic again.

' wonder how long it will ta"e be!ore someone raises the alarm. He might even havethe chee" to phone the police himsel!. ' can )ust imagine him, in !ront o! the cameras at ahastilyconvened press con!erence, s-uee:ing out a couple o! big, !at tears and ma"ing aheart!elt appeal !or anyone with in!ormation to get in touch, while cops and reportersloo" on sympathetically. ompletely oblivious to the truth. ' wonder i! my picture willma"e the !ront page o! the "#ening Times, when the hunt !or a missing local womanstretches !rom days to wee"s. '8ve always wanted to be in the paper although,admittedly, not in these circumstances. ' hope they at least choose a decent snap. +ne!rom the old days when ' still loo"ed pretty hot and li!e with him hadn8t yet ta"en itstoll.

2!



' wonder when !riends and wor"mates will share their concerns, when the policewill start !ocusing on him. How long be!ore o!!icers !ind the phone number !or thewomen8s shelter hidden in my diary at wor" and how -uic"ly they will discover the tinyspots o! blood and strands o! long, blonde hair in the boot o! his car. #ost o! all, 'wonder how long it will ta"e them to charge him with murder without a body.

7 7 7 7

' loo" at mysel! in the mirror now and tug at the short, blac" bob. 't really doesn8tsuit me but that doesn8t matter. The !act that it loo"s so di!!erent, that ' loo" so di!!erent,that8s what matters. The hair aside, ' hardly recognise the woman who stares bac" atme. The !ace is pale and dar" circles stand out li"e smears o! purple paint under deadeyes. ' -uic"ly slip on oversi:ed sunglasses which are, than"!ully, bac" in !ashion. Theyconveniently hide the !resh bruising and swelling, as well as covering most o! my!eatures. ' pull down the sleeve o! my dress to cover the bandage wrapped around myarm. The sel!in!licted gash still throbs but ' "now the pain will soon be over.

' open my handbag and chec" once again that the train tic"et is still there. 't is. +neway, no going bac" now. #y hand brushes against the large bundle o! cash that, untiltoday, was hidden in a shoebo at the bottom o! my wardrobe. 't8s ama:ing how muchmoney you can save, bit by bit, over 1 months by wor"ing some overtime and ditchinga designer shoe habit.

' leave the ladies8 room and head !or plat!orm one where the electronic screen tellsme the 1f0f to @ing8s ross is now boarding. ' ta"e a deep breath and step onto thetrain be!ore the doors slide shut behind me with a satis!ying whoosh. As !ar as '8mconcerned, Amanda $avis is now dead.

He may not have wielded a "ni!e or a gun or in!licted a !atal blow but, ma"e nomista"e, in every other way, he "illed the young, vivacious blonde who wal"ed into thatpub si years ago. As !or me, '8ll start again. Another city, a new li!e. $on8t you worryabout me, '8ll be !ine. 'n !act, better than !ine. '8ve always !ancied ?ondon. Theanonymity o! it all, the chance to be )ust another !ace in the crowd, the ease with whichyou can become someone else.

4emember the name, though, because !airly soon you might be seeing iteverywhere * in the evening paper, the local news bulletins, maybe even those 2< hournews channels. But the day my photo is replaced by his mugshot, that8s the day when '8ll"now '8m really !ree.

And do you "now what/ 't will be well worth the wait.

38



All in the )ast - by *ane Osis

+n each smooth turn o! his head he opens his mouth to ta"e an inward breath, !eelsthe cool wash o! chlorinated water part then re!orm around him. 'n his mind a series o!slideshow images glide be!ore himE his mum reaching out !rom a stretcherD astrawberry ice cream pressed to his !aceD the blac" and white s"etch o! a grim!acedyoung woman with short wavy hair.

He listens to the !ading siren o! the ambulance ta"ing his mum to the hospital,whining, -uieter and -uieter, between the howls o! the storm. He hal! epects theambulance to turn bac". #um can be very persuasive. &hen he8s certain that all he canhear is the bac" gate crea"ing and net door8s tree scraping against the window, he goes

into her bedroom. Fsually, when #um leaves him at home, she loc"s her door and snapsthe "ey inside her handbag, but he doesn8t need a "ey now. The door8s wide open.Her !ace had gone -uite pale, almost seethrough, as she was li!ted onto the

stretcher. $eart attack , he heard the paramedic say on the phone to the hospital. #rsHobson !rom over the road promised #um she8d come round to ta"e him to school. He8sgot two hours. The ambulance men didn8t want to leave him in the house on his own.#um had s-uee:ed his hand till her nails dug in when they strapped on the oygenmas", sti!ling her gasps. He had !ive little red mar"s across his palm. 't hadn8t ta"enmuch to persuade #rs Hobson once the ambulance had goneD she was yawning,desperate to get bac" to her bed, and who8d want to set !oot in the grime o! number

twentythree i! they didn8t have to/Fnder the bed is the obvious place to start. $ust isn8t anything out o! the ordinaryDhe has this game he plays o! drawing pictures on sur!aces around the house and seeinghow long it ta"es !or a new layer to !orm and cover up his stars and smiley !aces. Thedust is so thic" down here as he wriggles through the valance that it8s turned intosludge that he has to scrape aside !rom the lino with his hands. Balledup tissues, a pairo! shoes that haven8t been worn !or years, a dogeared library boo" stained with spiltco!!ee.

He !irst "new he wasn8t right, that something didn8t !it, when he got pic"ed !or theswimming team. The clean cut o! water passing under his per!ectly eecuted !ront crawl

was the best !eeling he8d ever "nown. The mu!!led sounds and the manu!actured blue o!the pool at the leisure centre was his place. Being up !or early morning training meanthe didn8t have to go out !or #um8s !ags when she wo"e up and he8d even become !riendswith the other "ids in the team. He8d never been much good at ma"ing !riends and heli"ed sitting, part o! the group o! toned youngsters, in the ca!eteria a!ter training. They8dta"e the big table in the centre, comparing in)uries and training times, the girls brushingout the tangles !rom their wet hair, him eating a cheese sandwich, so!tened in its cling!ilm wrap by the counter lights. The team was going up north !or an intercountycompetition and #r upp "ept telling @eith he could wal" the 200 metres i! he "ept upthe trainingD that he8d never seen such a talent develop in )ust a !ew months. Three

wee"s to go and #r upp too" him aside a!ter training as they got out o! the pool.8The consent !orm.8

3&



8' handed it in, sir.8 @eith shoo" his head li"e a dog, trying to clear the water !rom hisears.

8Fse a towel, son, can8t you/ Here.8 #r upp passed him a towel !rom the bench. 8&eneed more details. our mum8s le!t out your ational Health number. '! she can8t !ind it,she could get it !rom the doctor8s.8

8$on8t thin" '8ve got a doctor, sir. ever needed one.8@eith stuc" the corner o! the towel in his le!t ear and screwed it around until he !elt

it s-uea". Actually he8d been ill as o!ten as anybody but his mum didn8t believe in allthat nonsense, she said, so he8d dose up with aspirin when he !elt under the weather,cough medicine i! he needed it. +nce, he8d had this aw!ul !lu and the temperaturewouldn8t go with aspirin. he made a poultice and the smell * li"e goneo!! cabbages *made him throw up so his temperature dropped. 8ee,8 she8d said. 8't wor"ed alright.8

8?uc"y you68 #r upp patted him on the shoulder. 8A copy o! your birth certi!icatewould do. By net wee".8

@eith wrapped the towel around his waist. He s"ipped the shower, pulling on hisclothes over damp s"in, and made straight !or the bus stop without his cheese sandwich.

He8d never heard his mum go o!! li"e she did the net wee" when #r upp phoned.he sometimes got nar"ed when someone pushed in !ront -ueuing at the #ini#art on aaturday morning but not li"e this. ot swearing.

8'8ve not got any bloody certi!icate. urely you8ve got better !uc"ing things to dothan pester me at home/8 he suc"ed on her !ag until the ash !ell to the hall carpet,si::ling through the dust balls and burning a small round hole. 8'! you8re going to getstroppy with me, maybe it8s best to leave @eith out o! the team.8

And that8s what happened. #r upp said @eith was welcome to come bac" totraining a!ter the competition but his hands were tied, he said, he couldn8t ta"e @eith tocompetitions without a proper consent !orm.

He wished she8d told him when he was younger. 't was li"e she8d tric"ed him,leaving it all those years. 8pecial8 and 8chosen8 were the words she used when he8d!inally !orced it out o! her. That was as maybe but someone had to give up on you !irstbe!ore you got adopted. That wasn8t too 8special8. he re!used to say who his realparents were and that didn8t seem li"e a good sign.

@eith began to inspect peopleD he eplored up and down the estate, watching menmowing lawns and cleaning cars, women gossiping at the bus stop, bringing inshopping. He loo"ed at eyes and hair and compared them to his own. He didn8t even"now i! he8d been born round here. He and his mum had never moved so it stood toreason that this was his birthplace. +r did it/ #aybe adoptive parents were advised tomove away. 't was hard to see how anyone could have thought she8d ma"e a goodmother !or him. he couldn8t coo", they lived on !ro:en meals, and her idea o! a treatwas a can o! !i::y pop and scrapings !rom the chip shop !or tea. leaning was ta"ing outthe rubbish when the bin stench made her cough. #aybe she8d done all that motherlystu!! when he was little and he8d !orgotten. He dredged his mind !or early memories.There was one. He was eating an ice cream on the beach, his hand was too small to holdthe cone and someone was bending down in !ront o! him so he could lic" the drips. Hehated strawberry !lavour and she was pushing it at him so he had to lic" it. His stomachwas -ueasy. He couldn8t see the woman8s !ace, so there was a chance it was #um. Thesea!ront seemed !amiliar * pebbled beach, a neonlit arcade blasting out music, gulls

32



shrie"ing * but that could mean anything. #um might have ta"en him on holiday. Hecouldn8t imagine her ever spending money on a holiday though. +r it could be where hisreal parents lived. He concentrated really hard but he couldn8t get more out o! the scene.

He bashes his head on the bed as he s-uirms out !rom under it. et he tries in thebedside drawer, ri!ling through, trying not to loo" at the grubby underwear crammedinside. That )ust leaves the wardrobe. This is the one place that8s vaguely tidy. #um8sclothes are hung with all the trousers on the le!t, s"irts and blouses mied up on theright. umpers are piled up on the shel! above and he pushes in between them to chec"right at the bac". 't occurs to him that there might be something pretty disgustinglur"ing there. tic"y !ungus, or a rat8s nest. o, when his !ingers touch a hard corner, he!alls bac"wards with !right, pulling all the )umpers down on top o! him. #ohair and woolsmother him, dust motes swirling. He8s sure he8s swallowed a mouth!ul o! something!urry. Fgh. He !olds up the )umpers to replace them on the shel! and that8s when he seesthe suitcase.

>ven though he "nows there isn8t a lot o! time, he stops to open the bedroomwindow and damp morning air gusts in. He heaves the suitcase down !rom thewardrobe onto the bed and stands loo"ing at it !or ages be!ore he moves to undo theclasps and li!t the lid. A!ter all, he8s waited all his li!e. There isn8t much inside. 't smellso! mushrooms and wet grass. He unwraps a little hand"nitted )umper !rom tissuepaper. 't8s stained all down the !ront, pin" mar"s with brown edges, hard to the touch.trawberry ice cream could go li"e that, he guesses, prodding at the lumps. Fnderneaththe )umper is a newspaper cutting, crisp with ageE a couple o! columns o! print net toan identi"it drawing o! a woman8s !ace. The headline reads, 8#argate boy still missing.Parents distraught. Have you seen this woman/8

He doesn8t let #rs Hobson in, stepping outside brus-uely, his "it all pac"ed in hisdu!!le bag, slamming the !ront door while she8s still hovering on the step. he loo"sannoyed and mutters something about a waste o! time.

8o need, #rs Hobson, '8m ta"ing the bus to the pool. Training. %otta rush.8

7 7 7 7

't !eels great to be bac" in the water. He sets out to swim a couple o! lengths o! !rontcrawl to warm up, loving the cut o! his hands through the water, the power o! his "ic".He needs to concentrate and get the timing per!ect, only two wee"s since he last trainedand he8s getting sloppy. o he !ocuses on breathing, ma"ing precise and even turns o!the head.

33



The )a+er Trail - by )aula Mguire

+B'TFA4E Fr-uhart, >leanor10th August 1;<2 * 20th une 2012

>leanor Fr-uhart, ;, passed away due to in)uries sustained in an accident withinher home in &illoughby on &ednesday, 20th une 2012.

>leanor was born in &illoughby and remained a li!elong resident o! the area,spending most o! her adult li!e with her !amily in 'ngle House. he is preceded in deathby her husband, %iles, 1;<0 * 1;2 and her only son, ulian 1;=0 * 2000.

As Head o! The Bowmore chool since 1;=2, >leanor dedicated her wor"ing li!e to

the education and standing o! its young scholars and was admired and respected amongthe school8s illustrious students and parents ali"e. +n retirement in 2003, she continuedto support the school8s pupils and sta!!, and, in particular, its alumni !or whose bene!itshe had served so passionately !or three decades.

he is survived by her sister, harlotte, and nephew, %raham, who would welcomeall who "new >leanor to )oin them at the service in t. olumba8s hurch at 10 a.m. on30th une and therea!ter at &oodside emetery.

7 7 7 7

+?T+ AA$>#P4+%4> 4>P+4TE 9ebruary 1;1A#>E @enneth Branch?AE 3B

+##>TE @enneth struggles somewhat with several o! his sub)ects but the e!!orthe applies can be impressive. His attention wavers, however, and his teachers worrythat he is not "eeping up with the pace and level o! wor" !or his age group.

@enneth is a -uiet, polite and reserved student with a very trusting nature, whichsome o! his classmates have been "nown to eploit. His teachers are care!ul to ensurethat @enneth8s impressionable character is not manipulated in this way. @ennethcommunicates more easily with the school8s younger pupils but continues to spendmost o! his !ree time alone.

7 7 7 7

The outhside tandard11th une 1;2

?+A? H++?B+ $>TA'>$ 9+4 '@ A'T+4 ATTA@

34



A 1< yearold !ound guilty o! a brutal attac" on a school careta"er has beendetained !or a minimum o! eight years. @enneth Branch, a student o! olton Academy,carried out a terri!ying assault, which caused < yearold )anitor, &illiam 9ergus, severehead trauma and irreparable physical in)ury. 9ergus, who has wor"ed at local privateschool, Bowmore, !or almost twenty years, was struc" repeatedly with a bric" as hesecured the building8s gates on the evening o! 9riday ovember 2=th 1;1. The schoolwas disturbed, with several small items being removed, none o! which were recovered.

Branch8s mother, Arlene, and sister, amie?ee, cried out in disbelie! as Branch, whohad protested his innocence throughout the trial, was led away to start his sentence.Branch8s lawyer, Tristan ?aird, re!used to comment on the outcome.

A second boy, originally accused o! the o!!ence, was ac-uitted without charge.

7 7 7 7

ulian Fr-uhart * 1<th une 1;2The Bowmore chool

' must not allow my character to be wea"ened by others. ' must ma"e betterchoices.



' must not allow 5

7 7 7 7

'n ?oving #emory o! @enneth Branch

Beloved on and BrotherBorn 20th ovember 1;$ied <th +ctober 1;3

Trapped 'n ?i!eD 9ree At ?ast

7 7 7 7

The Bowmore choolBulletinE 9ebruary 2002

9rom the Head

Than" you to all who attended 9riday8s surprise service to celebrate my thirtiethyear o! leadership o! our magni!icent school. ' would li"e to o!!er a particularly large

3



than" you to those !ormer Bowmore pupils who returned to support me on this specialoccasion, including Tristan ?aird, who "indly presented a commemorative silver shieldto the school on my behal!. our generosity and loyalty to my !amily throughout theyears are truly appreciated and will never be !orgotten.

>leanor Fr-uhart Head o! chool

7 7 7 7

&ednesday 20th une 2012'ncident notesP.. Alan &aites

0;<0E Body o! >leanor Fr-uhart lying at !oot o! hall stairs in own homeE 'ngleHouse, #anse ?ane, &illoughby. House has no other occupants.

4eported by amie?ee Brown ardell %ardens, olton. $iscovered body onarrival !or wor" as cleaner at 0;1f. House undisturbed.

Pronounced dead at 101f * $r. ylvia ewton. et o! "in, sister, harlotte9ran"lin, in!ormed.

7 7 7 7

10th anuary 2012

$ear #rs. Fr-uhart

4eE amie?ee Branch

Than" you !or your recent en-uiry. As ' am sure you are aware, loser leaning isthe !astest growing pro!essional cleaning service in your area, with a !ull range o!domestic and commercial cleaning options tailored to meet your needs.

'n response to your -uery, loser leaning do not, as a rule, assign speci!icemployees to customers on re-uest but, given the circumstances, ' am at liberty toin!orm you that we do not currently employ a $omestic Assistant o! the above namespeci!ied in your letter. ' hope that this will not discourage you !rom using our servicesin the !uture. ' am sure that our !riendly and highly s"illed sta!! will -uic"ly learn yourre-uirements and do their utmost to match the standards o! your previous domesticemployee.

Please do not hesitate to contact me !or any !urther in!ormation on the services weprovide.

36



Tenderness - by Flora ,ennedy

' call them the tender mornings. ou "now the tenderness ' mean. >verything loo"sbright and vivid and new. The world is a better placeE ripe with miraculous possibilities.

#aybe today he will !eel avenged and ' will be released.' slip out o! bed early, a ghost o! mysel!. ' haven8t loo"ed in my mirror !or a long

time. All the same ' notice a rip in the stoc"ings ' had on last night. +cht, and there8sblood as well.

' let out my breath. #aybe '8ve !ailed.' ma"e mysel! a mug o! co!!ee. ' don8t stand at the "itchen window loo"ing at the

sharp pea"s o! the uillins as ' do on the cruel mornings. 'nstead, ' open the !ront door

wide as you li"e, !eel the nightchilled air bring blood to my chee"s, put my wellies onand get going. ' ta"e a )ac"et with me. o sense catching a cold. '8m nearly seventy yearso! age a!ter all. The bones are old.

'8ve tried my best to put things to rights !or me and allum these past !orty years.'8m getting tired.

There8s nothing coming down the brae. &ell, o! course not, it would be highlysuspicious at !our in the morning. '8ll see a deer '8ve no doubt. And maybe that !o withthe dar" blac" ears. ' !orgot to put dog !ood out !or him last night. &ell, ' had my mindon other things, -uite understandable so it is.

' would have li"ed a dog. #y BjB guests are always suggesting ' get one !or the

company. But ' can8t have one sni!!ing about, and digging especially. 't8s a dread!ulburden all this so it is.The wild glen is star" in the pale grey light. The withered scrub trees reach their

bare branches to heaven but they8ve roc"s amongst their roots. ' ma"e a point o!crac"ing the crispy ice that8s crept over the puddles. ' worry that something has heardme. The sound o! the ice brea"ing is )ust li"e a bone crunching. #y auld heart !luttersli"e a !rail wee birdy. ' strain to peer into the edge o! the pine !orest behind me. ' don8tsee anyone. ' stumble over the pallet bridge that allum built. 't8s getting ric"ety nowand is slic" with algae.

The brac"en bushes are dar" lumps. ' don8t li"e the way they come bac" with such a

lurid, green vengeance in the summer when you thin" they died in the winter. They8reli"e monstrous creatures returning !resher than ever they were. ou )ust never "nowwhen they8ll appear. The devils. That devil that "illed my allum. es, ' "now it was mewho put him out o! his misery li"e ' would any animal. But it was the devil who invadedour home and did what he did to me who really too" my allum away6

' have a wee rest on the bench that allum made. &e used to sit here, part o! thewilderness. The wood has gone to so!t pulp where the bolts drive through the plan"s.There8s a wild dog rose grows behind it that ' planted !rom a cutting. Pin". ' li"e pin".#y !ront room where the guests watch Tk is a lovely so!t pin". ou8re a good girl, #ary,you try hard.

7 7 7 7

3(



People said ' wouldn8t survive out here on my own a!ter allum died. They8vealways underestimated me. '8ve got to be care!ul not to do it too o!ten though. tewart8san auld !ool but he8s an o!!icer o! the law nonetheless and damned with a good, longmemory, bless him.

o this is my wee pilgrimage on these li!eblood morninga!ters. #y spirit soars withwhat '8ve done and what ' might have achieved. #y mug o! co!!ee is warm in my hand. 'don8t li"e it too hot. %ives my right hand chilblains i! ' hold the mug too close.

' did bring the list didn8t '/ '8m !orgetting things !rom yesterdays but rememberingolden days with allum. The past is curling itsel! over me.

&ho8s that/ +h, mother o! %od, what a !right you gave me you pretty wee grouse.oming out o! the woods li"e that in such a !lap. he pec"s the ground, ignoring me.

ow, yes, ' have my list. obody is !ollowing me. '8ll )ust leave my mug here andcollect it on the way bac". ' can see ring mar"s o! other co!!ee mugs '8ve brought overthe years. There are ten now counting the new, wet one.

's that enough/ Ten lives to avenge the murder o! my husband/' had a reporter here once !rom %lasgow. kery "een eyes she had and too much

mascara. he was up because o! the hi"er they !ound at the bottom o! the 9alls. eededa place to stay so naturally she came to my bed j brea"!ast.

' thin" he was the third one. '8m not sure. allum will "now eactly. ?ucy her namewas, ' remember. Pretty name. he wondered how ' could live out here on my own withthe mountainous glens closing into strangleholds. +cht, what did she "now aboutstrangleholds/ ' told her my guests made it worthwhile. They8ve been my li!e8s wor"since allum died.

+ur secret place is !ar !rom the house, in the opposite direction !rom %lenelg. ' don8twant some hi"er !inding it. They get everywhere li"e wee ants in your "itchen. 't8s wellhidden net to a spruce. ' planted the brambles here mysel! with the nettles. There areplenty o! dead branches too li"e spindles wound with moss. ' made it li"e a !o8s denburrowed into the wee hill. ' brush the brambles out o! the way. $ash it, '8ve got a bruiseon the bac" o! my hand. That devil last night. ' bruise so easily now. 't8s a right nuisance.

7 7 7 7

't8s lovely in here. The air smells stale but in a nice way, li"e the crypts we visited at%lasgow athedral. %od shines on my allum, His sunlight streaming through the spacesabove where the roots have let the earth !all away.

Hello allum. How are you today/ +cht, you8ve !rost on your bones. And a bit o!green on your s"ull. ' don8t li"e that. '8ll need to bring the bleach the net time.

+h allum, ' am getting so very drained so ' am. +cht, let me )ust melt that ice away!rom your !ingers with my hands. He8s sitting propped up on his old chair. He sits upstraighter as a s"eleton than he ever did with s"in on.

' don8t li"e the way his bottom )aw "eeps !alling open. 't ma"es him loo" glai"it and' don8t li"e that. ' have to read)ust his tweed )ac"et on his shoulder. 't8s so di!!icult thesedays with my auld arthritic !ingers and his bones li"ely to !all o!!.

4ight then allum. ' ta"e the list we made out o! my poc"et and smooth the paper.

3!



' crush them up between two spoons. 't8s ama:ing how -uic"ly they wor". All 'really have to do is humph the bodies to their resting places. At !irst ' used to hac" atthem a bit. ' was very angry bac" then.

'8m thin"ing all this** as ' slide the rug over the trapdoor. ' dropped $an down, he!olded up a bit against the bottom step. ' don8t go down the ladder mysel!, ' don8t wantthe others grabbing at me li"e those :ombies on Tk, horrible things.

'8ve no sooner put the sign bac" out on the road and am thin"ing o! ma"ing mysel! awee bit o! lunch than a silver car comes up our driveway. ' can8t be bothered. ' am bonetired. ' am !ar too old !or it. ' am so old ' can8t remember my age.

There8s a hard "noc" at the !ront door. ounds li"e someone who8s used to gainingentry.

omething inside me "nows be!ore ' even open the door. ure enough, there8s evilin the air all about him * a cloud o! it around him li"e midgies !easting. He8s wearing awoollen hat, hi"ing boots, the whole wor"s.

8ice wee place you8ve got here8 he says. A %lasgow accent.' remember those words well. ice wee place. He has brought a crowd o!murderers

with him, ' can see them all clustered about his body, leering.' am almost too ecited to loo" at his hand but ' "now it is there. A gold wedding

band catches the hallway light as he comes in. ' notice mysel! in the hall mirror. #y eyesare twin"ling li"e his gold band. ?ord above but it8s true li"e you say. The dar"est houris )ust be!ore the dawn. And now ' shall be !ree at last. allum will be avenged. #eredeemed. He is here. #y salvation.

8' drove past last night but there was no sign out8 he says.8es. ' only put it up when it suits me. People ignore the + kAA you "now. '

don8t li"e that. '8m #rs e!!ries. ou can call me #ary.88kery good #ary. '8m 9ergus. 9ergus #c>voy.8 He smiles at me. This is all !amiliar.

?oo" at him. There8s badness all over him. ' can see it in his eyes too. He8s seen thingsli"e '8ve seen things. Blood and torn s"in and dead eyes and battered !aces and greenbones. in!ul things.

8'8ll )ust show you your room8 ' say, and wal" up the hallway.' open the door and he steps in. 8's that glue ' can smell #ary/88%lue/8 ' say.8es, you8ve not had people sni!!ing glue in here have you/8 he laughs.&hat a !unny thing to say. '8m not going to wait until tonight. 't8s so close '8m

impatient. ' could even nip bac" down to allum later today. ever rains but it pourshe8ll say. ou did it #ary6 ou did it6

8'8ll )ust ma"e us a cuppa * tea or co!!ee 9ergus/88o!!ee would be great #ary.8 He8s sni!!ing about the room. 8There8s something else

' can smell #ary. our last guest didn8t die in here did they/8 He smiles at me.8's that a )o"e 9ergus/8 ' am a little nervous, but he won8t notice. Too !ull o! himsel!.

8&ell, yes and no #ary. ee, ' can smell something dead in here. 't8s a smell ' "now verywell.8

8's it now/ '8ll )ust get your co!!ee 9ergus8' have to stop mysel! running down the hallway. '8m relieved this modern "ettle

boils -uic"ly. ' put two spoon!uls o! instant co!!ee in the mug and three spoon!uls o! thesleeping powder !rom the other sugar canister.

4&



8ou didn8t as" me did ' ta"e sugar #ary8 he says !rom the doorway.8+h, 9ergus ' didn8t hear you coming dear 58' pour the hot water into the mug right away. 8ou do though don8t you/ early all

my guests do.88Aye, that8s !ine. '8ve had a long drive. ' could use the hit. '8ll ta"e some mil" too,

than"s.8He comes into the "itchen and stands close to me. 8$id you have a guest last night

#ary/8He is watching me. ' don8t li"e it. ' won8t have to put up with it much longer. +h, '

can taste my salvation already.8Here you are 9ergus.8 ' give him the mug. 8>h, no, ' don8t thin" ' did have anyone

last night.88o/88&hat brings you up this way 9ergus/88'8ve a very stress!ul )ob, #ary. ' ta"e mysel! away !or the odd wee"end. Head !or

the hills. 4echarge the batteries.8' gesture at his shining, golden sun o! a wedding band. 8&hat about your wi!e/88+h, she8s glad to see the bac" o! me !or a !ew days. '8m li"e a bear with a sore head

a!ter a big case. ' need the time out. +therwise ' might murder someone mysel!.88&hat8s your line o! wor" 9ergus/88.'.$. #ary.88.'.$. * what8s that/88atching "illers #ary.88+h.8 ' spill some o! the hot water '8m pouring into my mug. 8&ill you not have your

co!!ee 9ergus/ $rin" it while it8s hot.88#ary, ' wonder * would you mind i! ' made a -uic" phone call !irst/ #y mobile8s

got no reception up here in the bac" o! beyond.88es, o! course. The phone8s in the hallway there. Ta"e your co!!ee with you 9ergus.8' hear the beeps as he presses the buttons on the phone. He8s waiting !or someone

to pic" up.8Bloody disgrace. Answer the phone68He turns to me and smiles. ou might have to ecuse my language here #ary.88Aye68 he shouts down the phone, 8Answer the !uc"ing phone6 '8m away twominutes

and you8re all sitting about on yer arses68 His voice lowers into a menace. 8' "now '8msupposed to be on holiday68 He moves the phone to his other ear. 8The last !uc"ing thing'8m wanting to do right now is spea" to you6 Put me through to 9ran". Aye, right away.&ell get him at home then you dunderheid and put him through6 hrist almighty.8

He turns to me. 8'8ll )ust be a minute #ary.8 He8s not touched his co!!ee. 't8s onthehall table. ' wal" down towards the open door o! his room. ' pee" in. The rug8s beenmoved onto the bed and the trapdoor8s open. ' turn to loo" at him. He puts his handover the receiver. 8$on8t you worry now #ary. 't8s all going to be )ust !ine. 't8s not your!ault. ' can smell a dead body at !i!ty paces me. A curse so it is.8

8Aye68 He8s tal"ing into the phone. 8' "now6 ' am on my holidays. ou need to get ateam up here right away. At least three dead bodies under the !loor o! my BjB room,one !resh. Ah, shut the !uc" up. kery !unny. &hat8s the address here #ary/8 he shouts atme.

42



82< ?one pruce 4oad, %lenelg.882< ?one pruce 4oad, %lenelg. Ta"e the 4est and Be Than"!ul road up. Aye. ee you

soon yoursel!6 &ell, that8s us #ary. They8ll be a while yet. They8ll need to contactorthern onstabulary. &e8ve a bit o! time to ourselves !or a wee blether. How8s that/8

' !eel relie! !lood me and it8s the relie! o! a weight li!ted that ma"es me collapse inmy own hallway. He8s net to me, holding my hand. ' see his wedding band over mine.

8ou came at last.88Aye, '8m here #ary. 't8s all going to be all right now. ou )ust ta"e deep breaths.

That8s it.8' touch his wedding band. 8'8m married too 9ergus. '8d li"e you to meet myhusband.88'8d li"e that too #ary.8 He ta"es my hand. 't8s the tender way he traces the bruiseon

the bac" o! it that releases them. #y !irst tears in !orty years.

43



!irdie - by Eilidh Tho&as

Birdie watches the gulls screaming over discarded !ish papers and drags heavily onher cigarette. The !airground lies be!ore her * by evening, an immense machine o!colour and noise, now muted and silent. he sees couples lingering in the shadows,entwined in anticipation. mall groups o! !riends, laughing, share the last wrap o! chipsas !ood vans roll up their awnings and loc" their shutters. mells o! grease, vinegar and"etchup linger !rom the ba"ed sounds o! the day. #otionless, the big wheel arches itssupremacy in the sunset and Tommy Pharaoh races through its rigging, chec"ing !ittingsli"e an old dec" hand. Three dogs yelp and scrabble at a child8s lost ball. A small blac"car approaches. 't stops !or her and she )umps in. he hopes it8s been worth the wait.

't8s Birdie who !inds the summer )ob along the coast. 8't8ll get us away !rom home!or a !ew months and it8ll be li"e a holiday * silver service waitressing at the $oon Hotelin Ayr * lots o! tips.8 ina !inally agrees to go. The seaside, the Pavilion and the clubs inAyr sound "ind o! cool too. The Barrowlands is the !urthest !rom home ina8s been !or amusic gig and her childhood holidays were all spent in 4othesay. he thin"s maybe it8stime to spread her wings.

+nce they settle into their room Birdie doesn8t hang around and is out meeting newpeople all the time. They get into a routine with wor", and most nights a!terwards theygo to the shows, and most nights Tommy Pharaoh is there too. Tommy Pharaoh, theysoon discover, is a local legend.

8Hurry, hurry.8 ina pulls Birdie towards the dodgems. 't8s their !irst visit and theyhave an hour be!ore wor" starts. 8't8s my !avourite ride,8 says ina, as she leaps onto thetrac", impatient to !ind an empty car. Tommy Pharaoh8s minding the "ios" and Birdiepays him !or tic"ets. He win"s at her and promises to run the ride into etra time. inacontinues to shrie" and prance tiptoe, li"e a ballerina in pumps, dashing bac" and !orthalong the edge until the cars stop.

8Hurry, hurry.8 ina drags Birdie, teetering in white stilettos, to the nearest car. +il!umes and noise roar into their heads. 'n the dim light the cars start to move. rushedtogether, Birdie and ina cling to each other as the car whirls them across the !loor.Bumping and s-uealing with ecitement they ma"e contact with others then )olt out o!

control. 9rantically they birl the wheel, trying to manoeuvre.And then they8re surrounded. #enacing and intense, !our youths in two cars wedgethem against the bumpers. ina is pulled !rom her seat. A hand reaches out and gripsBirdie8s "nee. A voice leers into her !ace, 8' will pay you.8

&hen Birdie loo"s up, ina is running across the !loor. Birdie swings out at theyouth with her !ist and catches him !ull across the !ace. he pulls o!! her heels and leaps!rom the car but be!ore she reaches the eit Tommy Pharaoh and his pals appear andare up !or the chase. ?ater, Tommy lights up a cigarette !or Birdie.

8$on8t worry, they "now who we are, they won8t mess with you again.8 And thereand then Birdie !alls in love with him.

All Birdie8s new !riends agree that Tommy Pharaoh8s eciting, dangerously eciting.'! he8s been sitting in a ca! drin"ing co!!ee, he8s always )ust leaving when they arrive. '!

44



he8s wal"ing down the street, he8s always crossing the road as they approach. His gangly!rame lur"s in doorways. His eyes ga:e over their heads, unnerving in shades o!washedout green. ina warns her o!! him, tells her that no good will come o! it, butBirdie tells ina she "nows nothing about anything.

+n their days o!! ina goes shopping, but Birdie goes to the howground. he !indsout a lot about Tommy Pharaoh. His caravan is the slee"est on site. omeone "eeps itnice but she only ever sees Tommy going in and out. &ho does he live with/ he thin"sit must be his mother. 't8s all silver trim and lace curtains. Pots o! geraniums sit at thedoor. ometimes he8s outside cleaning his bi"e, or !iing things at the bac" o! thecaravan. Birdie decides that they are made !or each other, a!ter all, she hears him playher "ind o! music 5 and then when he smiles 5 she "nows. At least she thin"s she"nows. '! she goes to the edge she is sure he will !ollow. he8s a girl who !lies with no!ear. &ill he glide in the updra!t o! her storm/ &ill he soar with her as she soars * highand away/ he doesn8t "now, but she8s going to try to !ind out.

+ne day Birdie ta"es ina with her to the !ortuneteller8s caravan. A small dar"haired girl shows them inside. >verything is pristine and ina senses that Birdie isuncom!ortable !or some reason. ina wonders i! it reminds her o! Tommy8s caravan butdecides to "eep -uiet. %lass cabinets are !illed with crystal, tablecloths are o! starchedlace, the walls are !inished in walnut and the !ittings shine li"e gold. They leave theirshoes at the door, wal" across deep pile carpet and sit at the table on leathercoveredseats.

8&ill #adame be long/8The girl loo"s straight at ina and considers her -uestion. he answers that her

name is #aria and she will read their hands !irst, then the cards. he draws the curtainsand Birdie and ina settle with ecitement and epectation.

An hour later Birdie helps the trembling, tear!ul ina bac" to the hotel. Birdie o!!ersina a cigarette and !or once she ta"es it.

8't8s all nonsense o! course,8 Birdie tries to calm ina. 8?oo" ina, loo" at me, '8m notcrying and '8m the one who should be, considering what the !ortuneteller said. omeon, mop up, we8ll tal" it over later and then we can have a laugh at it.8 he hands inaanother han"ie and continues her bravado. 8That girl #aria * you do "now she8s learnedall that * tric"s * how to guess things * you "now, !rom body language, !acialepressions, clothes and stu!! li"e that.8 To ina it sounds more and more li"e Birdie istrying to convince hersel!. 8How about i! we go out a!ter wor" tonight and have some!un/ There8s a good band on at the Pavilion. $o you !ancy that/8 ina agrees even thoughshe wants to go home instead * to her real home. uddenly, she !eels very young atseventeen.

7 7 7 7

't8s an evening in late une when Birdie and ina wal" arm in arm across the ?ow%reen, the long light !alling li"e so!t pearls, warm on the 9irth. They8re o!! wor" earlyand everyone8s out tonight. unburnt mothers push their prams along the promenade.$ads play at the water8s edge with dogs and older children. A small crowd gathers whenthe Punch and udy show announces its last per!ormance. Birdie waves to someone she"nows, but doesn8t spea". +lder !ol" sit in beach shelters watching the sunset and young

4



people lounge on the sea wall * still hot !rom the day. +thers hang round the Pavilion asmusic !ilters into the red s"y. Birdie and ina stop at #ancini8s new "ios" !or an icecream.

Birdie "nows by now that on some nights Tommy Pharaoh and his !riends !re-uentthe local pool hall at the bac" o! the Pavilion. he wal"s ina along that way and they siton benches outside to !inish their cones. ome o! Birdie8s new !riends )oin them andina !eels a bit le!t out. he notices Birdie is more animated now, loud and brash. Birdiehands round cigarettes and they all start to tell rough stories. ina doesn8t li"e the newBirdie, posturing and preening !or the other girls. he can see that Birdie intends to bethe leader o! this pac".

ust when ina thin"s she might snea" bac" to the hotel, Tommy Pharaoh and hispals appear !rom the pool hall. ome o! the girls "now the lads already and start to chat.Birdie holds bac" with her eye on the main target. ina whispers into Birdie8s ear. 8$oyou thin" he !ancies you/8 Birdie shrugs and laughs and suddenly ina realises thatBirdie and Tommy already "now each other well and she wonders where and whenthey met.

Tommy lurches over and slings his arms around both their shoulders.8How8s my two beauties tonight then/8 ina smells the closeness o! him, !eels his

muscles pressing hard against her and is aroused and !ear!ul at the same time. helaughs as Birdie pulls away and Tommy !ollows. They play some silly cat and mousegame all the way to the Pavilion while ina trails along with the other girls.

'nside the Pavilion the music !ails to li!t ina8s mood. he watches with an ominous!eeling in her throat. &ords !rom the !ortuneteller start to come bac" to her and evenworse, begin to ma"e sense. But Birdie had dismissed the predictions o! !ortunetellersso ina doesn8t mention it again. 'nstead she spends a miserable evening sittingwatching the others pair o!!. ina !eels li"e a !ish out o! water and can8t sha"e o!! a!eeling o! !oreboding. he han"ers !or her old !riends and their camaraderie. ometimesduring the evening Birdie remembers about ina and tries to coa her into the spirit o!the night, but ina8s been drin"ing Bree:ers li"e lemonade and can hardly stand.

&hen they go outside, ina8s legs buc"le under her and she !eels strong arms pullher to her !eet. he wants to sleep. A small blac" car pulls up and ina tries to open thedoor but is hustled away !or a wal". he can hear others telling her the !resh air will doher good. A greasy burger is handed to her, which ma"es her throw up.

ina8s not sure where Birdie has got to but someone laughs and ma"es crudecomments. 't seems to ina that the crowd is never going to go home. &hen she tellsthem that she8s going home by hersel!, someone holds her bac". &ho is it/ he can8tremember. he !eels terrible yet all the time she tries to ma"e hersel! !ind Birdie. weatybodies and bad breath are everywhere and she can8t !end them o!!. A tai appears andtwo girls bundle her in with them. et thing she "nows someone8s shoving her into herbed at the hotel. They shout at her to drin" some water then slam the door and are gone.ina tosses and turns all night and tries to remember something important but it won8tcome to her. '! only she could remember she8s sure it would help her !ind Birdie.

#orning comes early enough and Birdie isn8t in her bed, but ina isn8t surprised.he struggles up and spends a long time in the shower and wonders i! she will ma"e itdown to do brea"!asts. he "nows i! Birdie doesn8t turn up she8s on the shi!t alone. Theche! loo"s at ina as she stands in the "itchen and he starts swearing loudly, but she8s

46



got used to that now. He rings !or someone to help and tells her to stay put where he can"eep an eye on her ma"ing pots o! co!!ee and tea and toast. He says he won8t report heras long as it doesn8t happen again. ina promises.

ina struggles through lunches, and still Birdie hasn8t appeared. The manager tal"sabout sac"ing them, but ina is so tired she hardly listens. All she needs is an a!ternoonin bed and then she can loo" !or Birdie. That8s all she needs, she tells hersel!, as she !allsasleep.

7 7 7 7

9or the net two days ina wanders the streets o! Ayr and scours the shoreline as!ar as $unure astle. he doesn8t care about her )ob now * it can wait. he thin"s she8sthe only one interested in loo"ing !or Birdie. The other girls whisper to each other * thenew !riends that are no !riends at all. They tell ina to !orget Birdie )ust li"e Birdie has!orgotten her. 8he8s away with her gypsy rover,8 they say, and they laugh, but not in anice way.

ina as"s at "ios"s and at the shows and in the bars and clubs. he8s no longersurprised to !ind that so many people "now Birdie. They "now Birdie but they8re notpart o! her li!e. Birdie has swooped past them li"e a gull hungry !or scraps. he ecitestheir interest but wings away as -uic"ly as she arrives, chasing the net shoal. ina hasbeen !lying in Birdie8s tail wind * she can see that now.

And on the third morning ina pac"s her bags to go home. The hotel has told her toleave. 9rom the bedroom table she pic"s up a silver ring engraved with a bird and putsit onto the little !inger o! her le!t hand. he waits at the bus station, empty in themorning sun. The gulls screech at her and she screams bac". A vagrant appears at thenet bench and shouts abuse. he wanders over to the newsagent to buy a paper and theheadlines lurch out at her li"e a physical assault.

ina8s glad when summer8s over. The police -uestion her !or wee"s until she isn8tsure any more what it is she does and doesn8t "now. The hotel certainly doesn8t want to"now her. They don8t want that "ind o! stigma attached to them. 't8s bad enough that allthe guests are inconvenienced, as"ed to help with en-uiries, to disrupt their holidays,delay their business trips, relate illicit a!!airs * all o! them )ust people in the wrong placeat the wrong time. All ecept the thirteen 'rish priests * they continue to en)oy a !ewetra nights o! good whis"y without the 8e8. ina "nows that the rest o! them blame her.'! only she could tell them * run a!ter them as they wal" away * let them "now thatBirdie is her !riend and she wants her bac".

&hen the police show ina the pictures she8s hysterical. ina had warned Birdiethat the cards don8t lie but Birdie had laughed and shrugged it o!! in her invincible sorto! way. The police thin" ina8s lying, that they8re all lying, and the press have a !ield day.8%ypsy8s ueen 9ound $ead at assillis 4oc"s8 and 8?over8s $ule * #urder Hunt !or thePharaoh8 are two o! the better headlines. 'n the end they can8t prove a thing. Too manypeople vouch !or Tommy Pharaoh and his whereabouts that evening. Too many peoplesaw Birdie climb into a small blac" car. Too many people can tell o! Birdie8s other li!e * ali!e !ull o! strangers and dri!ters. omehow, ina "nows Tommy Pharaoh would nothave gone to the edge * not li"e Birdie. Birdie would have ta"en him with her i! shecould, but he wouldn8t go. ina8s sure o! that.

47



All ina can thin" o! is Birdie and her spirit !lying !ree.

4(



Wild'lowers - by *ose+h ,nobbs

The highlands, so beauti!ul and epansive all summer, clenched li"e a !ist around us.'t was the !irst year that mysel! and Blair, my little sister, had been allowed out

unsupervised. #other was economising, saving up !or a car. he le!t us at home duringthe days when she wor"ed, rather than give the to"en !iver to #rs %albraith to "eep aneye on us.

' rewarded this philanthropic spirit by destroying every pair o! trousers ' owned in!ive seconds !lat. ?ittle Blair !ound a wildcat, Tu!t, who we had to start inviting to thedinner table. 'n the end we would have been a lot cheaper sat in #rs %albraith8s garden,rereading the boo"s that her own "ids hadn8t ta"en with them when they moved away.

&e spent three glorious wee"s treasurehunting, digging up hal! the bac" yard andhaving hu!!ing arguments over the spoils. A!ter onesuch argument, Blair !led down thebac" !ield and rolled down a hill. &hen ' caught up with her, she was righting hersel!,loo"ing enviously at a picnic"ing mother and daughter.

The little girl was close to her own !ive yearso!age. But Blair didn8t envy herbraided hair, crisp summer dress or designer dolly. Her )aw loc"ed, and ' tried to ta"eher hand and lead her away. he snatched it bac", though, held it to her !ace.

8&hy isn8t our mummy ever here/8 she said.he was always the stronger o! the two o! us. 9ar more li"ely to rail against

un!airness. +n the other hand ' hid my !eelings better. Blair always stood out. ' would

watch her heart brea" three or !our times a day, her little )aw -uivering, li"e the last lineo! de!ence be!ore tears.8ome "ids have their mums with them all summer,8 ' said, 8but the luc"y ones get

their big brothers instead.8 Blair regarded her drab little dress. he stood stubborn andsad !or a moment, then so!tened some. he dusted down her clothes and loo"ed shylyup.

8ou8re not so big,8 she said, giggling and charging at me. &e hit the groundlaughing.

7 7 7 7

't was only a !ew days later that the rain came. The rain poured endlessly, and theproud summer wild!lowers outside san" their sodden heads.

That was around the time that hristian arrived.&hen he crashed into the side o! the house, ' sat bolt upright in bed. The !ront end

o! his car was crumpled up against the wall li"e an accordion, and the engine8s deathrattle roared through the building, sha"ing the window ' pressed mysel! up against. 'remember my teeth chattering !rom the vibrations as #a ran out in her nightgown.

Hesitantly, she opened the driver8sside door. A bloodied arm shot out and sherecoiled !rom it. The !ingers bec"oned her bac" and she !ollowed them, helping a man

!rom the wrec"age. As they staggered into the house, he snatched a loo" up at mywindow and we loc"ed eyes.

4!



+n the second day he as"ed me to help him move the car. #a had gone bac" to wor"and he said he wanted it out o! sight, round the bac". At the time ' thought he wasembarrassed !or having crashed. 't was the !irst time since then ' had been outside.

89irst brea" in this shit rain,8 said hristian. He reached inside the car, pic"ed up ablac" holdall !rom the passenger side and said 8&ait here.8 ' stood where ' was !or a !ewminutes while he went round to the bac" garden. He returned without the holdall,rubbing mud !rom his hands onto his trousers. He win"ed at me and said 8?et8s getstarted.8

A!ter we moved the car, he popped the boot open and too" one o! several bottles o!whis"y bac" into the house.

8&hat8s your name, son/8 he as"ed.8Aidan.88Thirsty wor" moving a car, eh, Aidan/88Aye,8 ' said, my eyes on the whis"y. $read and awe "notted my stomach.8&ell, ' tell you what,8 he said, 8!ind us two glasses and '8ll give you a man8s drin" !or

your man8s wor".8 ' wal"ed to the cupboard, pulled out two glasses at random, thenthought again and got two more that matched. &hen ' wal"ed bac" to hristian, ' sawthat he had been watching me closely. He laughed as ' handed over the glasses, pouringtwo !ingers in each.

' almost gagged on the smell alone. He saw this and -uic"ly too" the glass !rom me.8Tell you what,8 he said, 8has your #a got any sugar "noc"ing about the place/8 '

!ound some and he sweetened my drin", then, when he saw me blushing, sweetened hisown as well.

A!ter that we !ell into a pattern o! #a nudging me awa"e be!ore she le!t !or wor".8hristian8s staying,8 she8d say, 8"eep an eye on your sister.8 't never occurred to me

that these two things were related until the day ' let her out o! my sight.#a went early !or her bus. >ach morning ' would watch out the window, waiting

there until she8d gone. ince hristian arrived she had become obsessed withcleanliness. 't was unli"e her, clearing up a!ter us, insisting on ta"ing the rubbish out.he would even chec" the large blac" bins outside each morning.

hristian had ta"en to spending days on the so!a, sipping whis"y and readingthrough $ad8s old paperbac" originals. The covers were adorned with hal!na"ed, hardboiled molls. ' only dared loo" at them when #a was out. hristian would hold up apillane and sayE 8These are all you need, Aidan, old boy,8 then -uote !rom them in anAmerican accent. ' would laugh and, when the language was appropriate, he would evengive me and Blair lines. He always gave her the badguy8s dialogue.

8ou loo" li"e a Bond villain, wal"ing round with that cat,8 he8d say. he blushed but' "new she was !lattered.

hristian had wor"ed his way through the lot o! $ad8s boo"s when ' rememberedthat #a had given a bo!ull to #rs %albraith. @een to impress, ' said '8d wal" the mileorso to her house and as" !or some bac".

' returned, arms burning with the burden o! the bo, to see a strange car on thedrive. autiously, ' le!t the boo"s by the door and crept inside. ' was struc" by the heavysmell o! whis"y, as though someone had spilled a bottle, and ' strained my ears !orsounds o! li!e. ' thought ' could hear breathing. mall, evenlyspaced breaths against abac"drop o! too much -uiet. 't sounded li"e Blair getting o!! to sleep.

&



8&here the !uc" is it/8 a man screamed. ' heard him clearly through the closeddoor that stood between us.89or hrist8s sa"e, 9rancis, leave o!! her,8 said hristian. He sounded li"e he had been

crying.' cowered bac"wards, tripped over the bo o! boo"s and crawled !ren:iedly out o!

the house. ' lay )ust beneath the window o! the !ront room, breathing -uietly until ' wascertain ' hadn8t been heard.

8&here is it/8 screamed 9rancis. &hen ' was sure his voice was pro)ecting in theopposite direction to the window, ' pulled mysel! up and loo"ed.

hristian was slumped on the so!a, bleeding heavily !rom the head. His s"inglistened with what loo"ed to me li"e diamonds. ' saw that one o! his bottles had beensmashed against his !ace. A huge man, almost as wide as he was tall, towered over him.Then ' loo"ed to the !ar side o! the room.

Another man, wiry and wearing a leather )ac"et, )er"ed edgily around the "itchentable. Blair was sat on it, her eyes wide with horror, clutching Tu!t to her chest.

8'8m going to as" one more time,8 said 9rancis, his voice mu!!led through the glass,8where is it/8 He tried to put a hand to Blair8s !ace, but Tu!t clawed out at him.

There was no doubt in my mind, now. He had been screaming at my little sister. #y!ear was replaced with something ' haven8t !elt be!ore or since. Tears o! rage ran downmy !ace and ' realised my !ingernails were pressing into the palms o! my hands.

84ight,8 said 9rancis, nodding to himsel!. He calmly opened several "itchen drawersand !inally !ound a ball o! string. He rolled out a length the span o! his arms and wal"edup behind Blair. 84ight,8 he said again. He sounded less angry now. He sounded almostsorry.

' pressed mysel! to the ground, unable to loo".8o, 9rancis,8 said hristian. ' heard what ' assumed was the large man hitting him

about the head, and then endless seconds o! silence.9inally, it came. A cho"ed little scream !rom Blair. ' s-uee:ed my eyes shut, as hard

as ' could, seeing sunspots. Tears ran down my !ace until an aw!ul calm came over me.' couldn8t live without my little sister. ' sat up, thin"ing o! the night that hristian8s

car had crashed into the house. Thin"ing o! collisions so hard that they could )olt us!rom reality and change everything.

9rancis had tied the string around Tu!t8s nec" and was dragging him across theroom. The cat resisted and, !inally, 9rancis wrapped both hands around the string andthrew Tu!t into the wall with all his weight. The cat thrashed on the !loor and 9rancisrepeated the action twice more until the animal was docile. He pic"ed up an empty,mudscarred blac" holdall, the same one ' thought hristian had buried, and turned toloo" at Blair.

8&here is the money that was in this bag/8 Her eyes were tightly shut now. 9rancisnodded at her silence and stu!!ed the cat into the blac" holdall. 8'8m drowning your!riend here, sweetheart,8 he said, 8and i! you don8t tell me where the money is, '8mdrowning you net.8 He disappeared round the corner, thumping up the stairs.

' opened the door gently, hoping not to provo"e a reaction !rom the large manlooming over hristian. He watched me wal" towards Blair who, when ' rubbed her armand said her name, gave me the ghost o! a smile. Blair didn8t move at all.

2



8Aidan,8 said hristian, sei:ing on my arrival, 8tell them, mate. Tell them where themoney8s gone. ome on now, you saw me with the bag.8 Tears streamed down his !ace,miing with the bright, wet blood !rom his head wound.

9rancis wal"ed bac" into the room and sighed. ' heard his !ootsteps on the !loor,then !elt wet hands, loose round my nec".

8ou or your sister dug up the money,8 he said, 8now where is it, son/88oone8s gonna be angry with you, mate,8 hristian called over. ' "ept my eyes on

him, hoping he would get up and save me. He )ust stared at the ceiling, sayingE 8o one8sangry,8 again and again.

#a wal"ed through the door li"e it was any other day. he loo"ed ehausted andher hair covered her !ace. he had thrown her "eys on the table and started to as"8&hose car is that outside/8 be!ore she too" in the situation. he spun on her heel andstarted to run bac" through the door but tripped on the bo o! boo"s.

8hrist,8 said 9rancis, wal"ing a!ter her, 8is anyone else coming home/8 The big manlaughed.

8That8s it, ' swear,8 said hristian. 9rancis too" #a by the hair and threw her ontothe so!a. ' could see Blair8s little loc"ed )aw -uivering out o! the corner o! my eye. 'couldn8t bring mysel! to loo" at her.

8Tracy, love,8 hristian said, 8' buried some money in the bac" garden and thin" oneo! the "ids dug it up. 9ind out what they did with it, eh/8 #a didn8t even loo" at him.

8That8s your problem, hris,8 she said.8?ove,8 he pleaded, 8' don8t want to get you or the "ids hurt, '*88Am ' to understand,8 9rancis cut in, 8that you really have no idea where the money

is/88one,8 said hristian, 8' swear.88Then what the !uc" good are you to me/8 said 9rancis. He pulled a revolver !rom his

leather )ac"et, pointed it at hristian8s head and pulled the trigger. ' threw mysel!around Blair, covering her eyes and ears, absorbing a scream.

&hen ' loo"ed over at the so!a, #a was covered in blood but hadn8t moved amuscle.

8't8s your problem now, love,8 said 9rancis. waying !rom the shoc" o! what he8ddone, he wal"ed towards me and Blair. He prised her !rom my arms and threw me to the!loor. The gun loo"ed obscene against her little head, and her )aw wobbled with !right.

89or the last time,8 said 9rancis, 8where/88'8ve no idea,8 said #a, her eyes remaining !ied on the window. 9rancis glared at

her in disbelie!. 't was only when ' got to my !eet that it !inally made sense. #a wasn8tloo"ing at the window. he was loo"ing outside, her eyes loc"ed on the bins.

9rancis too" a deep breath.8&ait,8 ' said, my voice sounding strange, 8' "now where it is.8 #a loo"ed at me then,

utter hatred in her eyes. 8't8s in the bins,8 ' said, pointing outside. 9rancis nodded at thelarge man who wal"ed out loo"ing relieved. &hen he came bac" in holding an open binbag, nodding at 9rancis, ' almost !ell over.

He rubbed Blair8s hair a!!ectionately and clipped me round the ear.8tupid little shit,8 he said, 8you could have got your sister "illed.8

3



?eaving hristian8s body behind them, they trudged out to their car and droveaway. The silence was terrible. #a stood up, the blood on her !ace in bright contrast tothe dar" lines beneath her eyes. he shran" into a corner, loo"ing li"e a witch.

' too" Blair8s hand and guided her outside. 9at, warm spots o! rain slapped againstus as we wal"ed the mileorso to #rs %albraith8s.

't was the last day o! my childhood, and ' o!ten thin" o! it. Thin" o! everyoneinvolved. Fnable to !it into the lives they were given, counting the days until they couldris" everything to live the net li!e over. All colliding in the same wrong place at thesame wrong time. ' wonder i! any o! them went away thin"ing it had been worth it.

Blair and ' went into care soon a!terwards. &e dri!ted apart early on, though, whenshe was adopted by a wello!! >nglish !amily. ' was raised in the home but didn8t resenther one bit. ' never saw #a again.

4



Following in Fathers Footste+s - by Franes Abbot

' can tell you the very day the attraction !irst too" hold. 't was my sister8s eighthbirthday. #y mother was preparing a small party !or her. A trestle was set up in the!ront room and covered with a white bed sheet. +n it, at regular intervals down themiddle, were plates o! -uartered sandwiches, sausage rolls and dainty iced biscuits,each showing the edges o! a paper doily peeping !rom beneath the !ood li"e the !rills o! alady8s petticoat. ' watched my mother centre a large bowl o! tri!le be!ore she turned toremove a tissuewrapped bo !rom the cupboard where %ranny "ept her linen.

' was di::y with anticipation, or was it the illicit association in my boy8s mind withthe thought o! ladies8 underwear/ Perhaps it came !rom being allowed to enter the !ront

room, a place ' had hitherto only glimpsed !rom behind my mother8s bac" when it wasopened !or its wee"ly clean.Those were years o! austerity and it may be that the drabness o! that room was

merely a !eature common to every other room in every other house in the row o! bric"terraced, bac"tobac", twouptwodowns commonplace in the town we had come to. 'twas certainly as dar" and un!riendly as my grandmother hersel!.

#y mother had done the best that scarce money and a little ingenuity could provideand ' could see that she was pleased with her e!!orts. ' was treated to a rare smile and aconspiratorial win" as she hid the bo !rom the cupboard under the !loorlength tablecovering.

he was a timid, !rail loo"ing thing, my mother, stic"li"e almost. ' used to watchher on her "nees scrubbing the !loors, all elbows and sharp shoulder blades, andwonder i! one o! these days she would )ust snap and splinter under all her wor",scattering !ragments o! brittle bone across the wet linoleum. But that day she wasdi!!erentD there was a hint o! colour in her chee"s and a suggestion o! de!iance in the tilto! her head.

' had mied !eelings. &hat was %ranny going to say about all this/ ' "new, at siyears old and having lived with her only a short time since my !ather died, that shede!initely would not approve o! the show o! opulence. ' "new that %ran did not approveo! anything. ?oo"ing bac" ' can almost see the li!edestroying disapprobation leaching

through her pores, clinging to her every word, every movement, even to the brooding!urniture and the very !abric o! the gloomy house she had reluctantly opened to enclosemy mother, my sister and me.

he was my !ather8s mother, but ' don8t thin" he got along with her !or ' don8tremember ever meeting her be!ore we moved in. he never tal"ed about him, not evendisparagingly as she did the rest o! us. Though she had an album o! !aded photographs,there was none o! my !ather in it. ' became curious as ' grew older, but ' could nevergather enough courage to as" her about him. ot that she would have given me thesatis!action o! an answer. ' thin" o! the three interlopers she hated me most.

9or some reason my mother would hear no complaints about my grandmother. he

seemed to thin" we should be etraordinarily grate!ul to her !or ta"ing us in. 9or that



one single act o! charity she sub)ugated her will, and my sister and ' !ollowed hereample.

' used to wonder why we had moved. '! we had to stay with relations ' would ratherit had been on my mother8s side. he had a large etended !amily all living within a !ewstreets o! each other. ' "new all my aunts and uncles and cousins. &e were in and out o!each other8s houses all the time. Hard wor"ing, %od !earingD they did not go in !ordemonstrations o! a!!ection, but in each house there was a -uiet welcome and anacceptance that ' belonged. ' thought at the time there must have been sometremendous -uarrel, !or we moved away !rom the town where they lived and we neversaw any o! them a!ter that. ' didn8t learn the truth until many years later.

The day o! the birthday my usually mild mannered mother sprouted some spirit.he must have disposed o! %ranny somewhere. How o!ten have ' wished she haddisposed o! her. How o!ten as ' grew up did ' wish ' could dispose o! her * permanently.' certainly have no memory o! her soursmelling presence at the party. ' don8tremember much about the party eitherD strange, considering the lasting e!!ect that daywas to have on me.

ingle images are caught li"e photographs in the mind8s eyeE my sister8s !ace bent!orward to blow out the candles on her ca"eD her eyes bright, copper pennies as the lightcaught her ational Health spectacles. The stills change to moving pictures when sheunwraps the tissuecovered bo, removes the lid and li!ts, one in each hand, a pair o! redtapshoes.

How prosaic that sounds. 't doesn8t convey the burst o! magic that entered my soulthenD how the drear and dingy bac"ground !aded li"e sepia around the central rednesso! the shoes. 't was a sunburst, a !ire crac"er, a spar"ling )ewel. The shoes were alive. 'could !eel them pumping the blood round my pounding heart when my sister slippedher !eet into them, tied the red laces and moved o!! the central carpet on to the brownpainted !loorboards at the edge o! the room and began to dance in her red shoes.

' was trans!ied. Those s"inny white legs in short white an"le soc"s )er"ed andtwitched and )iggled and "ic"ed. The red shoes clattered and clac"ed, a cacophony o!sound. olour, sound and movement pulsed through my being with a paroysm o! )oy.&ere ' a volcano, ' would have erupted then. As it was, it was my con!irmation o! beingalive. 't was then, that day, that moment ' !elt what has been the one source o!happiness ' have !ollowed all my days, the gravitational pull o! the sound made bywomen8s shoes.

#y pleasures were innocent at !irstD as"ing permission to go to the bathroom when' heard a teacher heeltapping down the corridorD !re-uenting the marble!looredatrium o! the museum on aturday mornings and !ollowing whichever pair o! shoescaught my ear round the ehibits.

By the time ' was in my late teens ' was !ollowing the shoes home !rom the localdancehall, through the busy town centre, on and o!! buses, down dar" suburban roads.' didn8t mind i! another boy escorted my target home, or i! it were a couple o! gigglinggirls. Having another person unaware o! me heightened my en)oyment. ' o!ten wish 'could go bac" to those days.

ou as" me what changed. everal things. #y sister married early to get away !romhome. he is doing well, '8m told, but we never see her. #y poor little mouse o! a motherdied. ancer, they said because there is no medical term !or unremitting drudgery. And '

6



was le!t to care !or %ranny, who was by then so badly crippled by arthritis that shere-uired constant attention.

ou might suppose that having to be dependent on me would so!ten her attitude.ou would be wrong. The reverse is true. The more dependent she becomes the moreshe hates me. The more ' continue to attend her with my usual -uiet competence themore it in!uriates her. 't was during one o! her outbursts, occasioned when ' broughther the wrong coloured cardigan, that ' learned the truth about my !ather.

#y mother told me he was a merchant seaman. That much was true. But, in a voice!ull o! venom, with many a descriptive aside, my grandmother too" pleasure in tellingme that, !ar !rom being drowned in an accident at sea, he was hanged !or the murder o!a girl in a redlight district o! a !oreign port. #y mother, shunned and deserted by herown, brought her shame to be trampled on by the wi:ened harridan who, !ace thrustclose to mine, was telling me the !ull story.

$oes your !amily li"e games/ &e play a game her and me. he does her best to goadme. ' do my best to show her that nothing she can do or say a!!ects me. But ' thin" she"nows she8s winning. he gives me such a loo" sometimes when '8m on my way out, as i!she "nows what '8m going to do. There is malice in it, yes, but ' thin" ' catch a glimpse o!pity at times.

' li"e it best when ' can detect envy. 't8s as i! she recognises the !eeling o! power thatcombines with the eplosion o! pleasure ' eperience when ' catch up with the women8sshoes and !eel the legs twitch, "ic" and )er" against me as my hands tighten on myvictim8s throat.

'8m not altogether sorry you have caught up with me. Please don8t thin" '8mepressing remorseD that would be )ust too hypocritical. '8ll save that !or later when thetime comes !or parole. o, '8m thin"ing that my poor old granny is going to have to gointo a home, where in due time ' !ully epect some hardpressed underpaid careassistant to drown her in her bath.

' can wait. '8ll have plenty o! time.

7



The %eadweight - by Matthew Storer

Beginning at two that morning, $anny had hi"ed crosscountry and be!ore dawn hewas in position, high on a cottish hillside covered in heather and gorse. A cold windwas coming o!! the ridge, but there was nothing he could do about that.

This was a real cold )ob alright. He pulled his hat down and pulled the sleeping bag!urther up around his shoulders.

The !armhouse was in its own valley, a !ew miles !rom where he had hidden the@awasa"i. 't wasn8t ideal, no -uic" getaway here, but he was pleased with the viewthrough the binoculars. A clean line o! sight to the house. 't had its own drive, close to amile long by his rec"oning. The car * a large silver #ercedes * was there, par"ed on the

gravel, )ust li"e #r had said.The brie!ing said Target was going to be here all wee"end. Target * some bigshotban"er who8d called in some loans on people he really should have let be. That was theproblem with ban"ers. ever "new when to stop. The lowest o! the low. And that was!ine with $anny. 't was always better when you could ta"e the high ground.

$anny could see steps had been ta"en to ma"e the building secure * cameras, high!ences, a gatehouse at the end o! the drive. He8d anticipated onsite security * i! therewere any, they8d be in there. He8d been watching !or !our hours and no patrols. He didn8tcare either way, but it made things easier.

He settled down in the sleeping bag. There was a lot o! waiting in this )ob, but he

didn8t mind it. He had !ood and warm clothing. He )ust needed to ma"e sure the colddidn8t get to his hands.He had already assembled his ri!le. 't lay covered in camou!laged sheeting, a

converted 8Bara"8 H Precision. >!!ective range over a thousand metres. #r had sortedit out !or him when they had decided he should deal with more comple )obs. 9ive yearsago, that. He didn8t use the gun much * the Bara" was hardly an everyday piece o! "itand it tended to attract attention. The times he had used it though, well, $anny had nocomplaints. 't was accurate, that was the main thing. And he en)oyed sniping more thanthe other types o! cold wor". 't made him !eel glamorous, li"e >dward 9o in The $ay o!the ac"al. o he waited. ?ate in the morning the wind died down. till, no movement. 't

was beginning to loo" li"e it could be a long wait, maybe even a night on the hillside.9inally, mida!ternoon, the door opened and there he was. ilverhaired, -uite small.&earing gol! gear that loo"ed epensive, and carrying a huge gol! bag. $anny loo"eddown at the photo #r had given him, then loo"ed again through the binoculars. 't washim all right.

He slid over into position behind the ri!le. >ven at range $anny thought he could seethe sel!satis!action in his telescopic sight. He !ocused, settling himsel!. Target wasputting the bag into the #ercedes8 boot. $anny "ept his breathing steady. He put Target,his head, into the crosshairs. He breathed in, he held it. Then he s-uee:ed the trigger,so!tly, so!tly.

He !elt the shot, and watched the head eplode.

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A!ter he had stashed the bi"e and the gun in the loc"up he8d chec"ed in.8o/88$one.88%ood lad. Any issues/88ope.88>cellent. ou still good !or the hot one/88ourse.88%ood. ?et me "now when it8s done.8

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8Hot8 and 8cold8. They were $anny and #r 8s own categories. old was your bogstandard clean "ill, usually done at distance. uic", surgical, leave no trace and collectthe cash. Hot was when there was a bit more to it. 9or when people really wanted theirtarget to "now about it, when it was all up close and personal.

$anny loo"ed !orward to the hot )obs because he got to use all his s"ills. 't wasn8to!ten you got one so you had to en)oy them when you could. #ost clients didn8t want topay the etra premium !or the special menu * the optional hot specialities that $annyo!!ered. This one, though, the client had made it clear wasn8t to be rushed. They8d evenpaid etra !or the boat trip.

$anny li"ed their way o! thin"ing. He always en)oyed a boat trip.

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't was a wee" later by the time he had got everything in place. The contact addresswas nowhere special, )ust a terraced house on a housing estate. $anny watched !or acouple o! hours be!ore he decided to chec" it out up close. Always best to scout thingsout. +n a hot )ob you needed to be care!ul. '! there was anyone with Target he wouldhave to do them too * such messiness was best avoided. He8d worn his salesman suit, sohe )ust went up and rang the doorbell a !ew times.

o answer.He pic"ed the bac" door loc". The house was tidy and clean, as i! it was out o! a

home !urnishing maga:ine. ?oo"ed li"e a shortterm rental. 9rom the state o! theshower, $anny rec"oned Target was on his own.

othing to do but wait.$anny par"ed up !urther down the street in his blac" ?eus. He didn8t mind waiting.

At least he was warm this time.

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't was eight in the evening when Target arrived. As per #r 8s brie! he was on a bi"e* a u:u"i. ot bad. $anny couldn8t ma"e a visual '$ as Target was wearing his crashhelmet, but the number plate matched up. This was his man.

!



$anny twisted. His legs were cramping. He might have been imagining it but thetape seemed to be giving )ust a !raction. He needed something sharp but there wasnothing in reach.

't was another !i!teen minutes or so until the boat slowed. $anny had never !elt sic"in the boat be!ore but a wave o! nausea hit him as the boat bobbed. The tape around hiswrists was de!initely loosening now but it was nowhere near loose enough. The boat8s!loodlights were switched on. >ven through the hood they made him wince. He could!eel hands on him, the rope being roughly untied. Then it was being looped again, roundhis legs this time, and he was being pulled, yan"ed across the dec", and he couldn8tcushion himsel!. His head banged hard against the oa" boards o! the dec", and then hewas being pulled upwards over rubber, he could !eel it rubbing against his combats andthen he was !alling over it, and he "new that it was the dinghy and it was pumped upand he was in trouble.

He had been pushed bac"wards and he !ell hard onto tarpaulin. 't was cushioned, itwasn8t the bottom o! the dinghy. The sandbags.

He needed to be care!ul here. He would probably only get one chance. He was onlybound at the wrists. '! he could ma"e good contact, he "new he could ta"e him. Theproblem was "nowing where he was. The !loodlights made it impossible.

He !elt a hand against his shoulder and thought now was as good a time as any. Heswung his arms up with as much !orce as he could generate, but he swung into air andhis momentum twisted him and he slipped down again onto the tarpaulin. He !eltsomething brush his nec" and then he was being strangled by the rope. He moved hishands up to his throat but it was pointlessD even without the tape he wouldn8t be able toget under the rope.

He "new that it wasn8t meant to end li"e this. 't had been too planned out. He hadn8tbeen brought all this way to be strangled. This wasn8t the plan.

He was right. 9inally the pressure on his nec" eased. The hood was ta"en o!! hishead.

8Bet you don8t remember me, do you $anny/8He did, o! course he did. The "id was pretty much as he remembered. He must be

getting on !or thirty now but he still loo"ed impossibly young. ust a !ew lines o! age, theblac" hair now greying and longer. There was nothing remar"able about his !ace but itwas memorable to $anny. This "id was deadD he8d been dead !or years. The last time$anny had seen him he had been sin"ing beneath the waves o! the Atlantic. &hen/ >ightyears ago. The !irst hot )ob/ #aybe not, but one o! them. The !irst boat trip.

Target was )ust a "id then. $anny had been given his name, but he could neverremember the names. The "id had crossed the #ated !amily, he remembered that.omething about the youngest daughter. +ld #an #ated had had words with #r , andthat was that. 't had all gone swimmingly. The "id li"e a rabbit in headlights. ustcouldn8t believe it was happening to him.

8Been a while, eh/8$anny didn8t say anything. He was trying to thin". '! the "id had got out o! this, he

could too.8till, all good things come to those who wait, so they say.8$anny had never really thought about the possibilities o! escaping the boat trip. 't

didn8t seem !easible that a target could even thin" it all through, let alone actually do it.

6&



To do all that whilst they were tied up and sin"ing/ They8d be panic"ing, in a hopelesssituation. They8d never have the presence o! mind. Then to somehow get to land6 Butthe "id had. How had he done that/ +ne thing at a time. The sandbags. 't must be that.They were made o! hessian. They8d be wet * maybe you could tear them. A big enoughtear might release the sand, release the weight !rom your legs.

He must have loo"ed at the sandbags. The "id was smiling.8eah, that8s right.8't was a strange smile. ?i"e they were sharing a )o"e.$anny needed to thin". He needed time. He had to "eep the "id tal"ing.8How/8 he said.8'nterested, eh/ Thin" it8ll save you/8There must be a !air !ew sandbags in the dinghy. '! he was tied to them all he was

screwed. He had only tied the "id to two bags. That was the point, the beauty o! it. 'twasn8t meant to be -uic". ou didn8t want the weight to be so great that he8d sin" li"e astone. 't needed to be )ust enough to tire him out slowly, a!ter a struggle.

8't won8t save you.8The "id went bac" into the cabin and brought bac" the air ri!le. 8ou8re right though.

Hadn8t thought about the sandbags, had you/8He coc"ed the gun. 8uch a calm night, do you remember/ And you were in such a

hurry to get bac".8He !ished out a pellet !rom his poc"et. 8' was luc"y. ou were sloppy. Those

sandbags were old, easy to rip. ' was young. oung and strong and a good swimmer.>ven luc"ier that by sheer chance a 9rench !ishing boat !ound me be!ore ' drowned.8

The "id put his !oot against the side o! the dinghy.8The odds o! that eh/ ou a betting man $aniel/ Thousand to one/ A million/8He coc"ed the ri!le. 8till, you ma"e your own luc", eh/8He pushed hard with his !oot. The dinghy moved a !oot down the dec".8o ' got to 9rance. o money, no identity. And a dead man. But that was !ine with

me.8He "ic"ed the dinghy again. 't was almost over the side.8't too" a while to sort mysel! out. %ot mysel! a new name too. >ven made some

money. ever !orgot you though $anny. Promised mysel! that one day '8d get you.8The "id loo"ed down at $anny. He didn8t even loo" un!riendly.8And here we are. &orth the wait eh/8He "ic"ed the dinghy again and $anny was over the side with a splash. He was low

in the water but the dinghy was !loating, )ust. $anny twisted himsel! upright. He didn8thave long. The dinghy was dri!ting away !rom the boat. He needed to rip the bags. Heclawed at the !irst.

8$on8t worry 8bout them,8 the "id shouted.$anny didn8t get what the "id meant. He wasn8t going to stop to as". He ripped

through the bag.Then he saw.The "id was right, he needn8t have worried. The sandbag was loose. 't wasn8t tied to

him, wasn8t tied to anything. He dumped it over the side.He wasn8t tied to the net one either.

62



't was when he went to !lip that one overboard that he !elt it. old and clammy. 'twasn8t )ust sandbags he was lying on.

8%oodbye $anny. ' hope it was all worth it.8The "id pointed the air ri!le at the dinghy and !ired.The !irst shot went wideD it !i::ed into the water beyond the dinghy8s yellow rubber.

$anny was staring down at the bottom o! the in!latable. He was staring at a body. >venthough it was !ace down and was still hal! obscured by the bags, he could recognise thebul"y bac" o! #r . He didn8t need to !ollow the chain around his !oot to "now that theother end would be loc"ed around #r 8s leg.

The second pellet hit the rubber. $anny could hear the highpitched whistle o! airescaping. 't was a large dinghy. 't would ta"e some time be!ore it would totally lose itsbuoyancy and collapse. That was the beauty o! the boat tripD it gave time !or the sub)ectto thin", to dwell on their sins, to regret the acts, the omissions, that had brought themthere. o $anny lay bac" with #r . He listened to the escaping air. 't was all so pointless,o! course it was, li"e always. othing he could do now but wait. He "new there was )ustthe a!termath to come * $anny had reached the end.

63



An Alternati.e Soure o' Mandarins - by To& %i#son

&e reach at the same time, two hands moving in parallel, two sets o! !ive !ingers:eroing in on the last bag o! mandarins in Tesco8s 9resh Produce department. helaughs and steps bac", de!erring to me.

8orry8, she says, and ' can8t spea". an8t move. he8s close, very close. +ut o! thecorner o! my eye ' catch a !lash o! blue !leece. Then there8s a trundling and a clac" o!medium heels. he8s steering her trolley away, on up the aisle to pastures new.

ay something. Anything.' stand there, rooted to the spot, gripping the nylon mesh so tightly it pushes tiny

red diamonds onto the palm o! my hand. &hen ' !inally loo" up she8s disappearing

towards $airyE tall, blonde, the blue !leece s"imming her shoulders then !alling to hugher waist. Blac" )eans. #aybe bootcut. he8s neither young nor old. ot particularlybeauti!ul by current standards. But the warmth o! that laugh ...

+! course, ' !orget to pay and there8s this whole hooha at the door which results inmy being marched bac" inside while she continues across the car par". ' eplain it8s )usta misunderstanding and the security guard, bless him, says '8m a regular customer, hereevery wee" and there8s never been a problem. o the manager lets me pay !or themandarins. They sit on my table now, slumped in their netty cage. The way :est !ills myhead. ' eat each slowly, savouring the miracle that is 9ate.

That was #onday.

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Tuesday, '8m there when they open. They8ve restoc"ed overnight and a whole heapo! little mesh bags perch ready !or purchase. ' hover hope!ully !or !ive minutes. Ten.A!ter !i!teen, a boy in green overalls as"s i! he can help me. ' tell him '8m )ust loo"ing.9or anything special, he en-uires/ ' bite my tongueE i! only he "new. o we discuss theprovenance o! their mandarins while three customers * none o! whom are her * add abag to their trolleys and ' discover these !ruit are neither 9air Trade nor organic. Thisnews lets me ma"e my escape.

&ednesday and Thursday ' pop in at intervals. ' see the boy in the green overallsagain but he8s !orgotten our previous encounter. The lad must see hundreds o!customers every day. ome the wee"end ' wander the streets, scanning the !aces o!strangers. unday night, ' pray she8s a creature o! habit.

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#onday, -uarter to !ive, '8m the early bird to that most desired o! worms with asmile !or everyone because ' )ust "now today8s the day. 9resh Produce seems to beepecting her tooE a 8Buy +ne %et +ne 9ree8 sign dangles over a display groaning with

mandarins.

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Ten to. 9ive to. The hour itsel! arrives then departs. 9ive past. Ten past. he8s late.he8s not coming. he8s !ound an alternative source o! mandarins. he8s dead, "illed in amotorway pileup as ineplicable as our !irst meeting. &iping damp palms on the thighso! my best trousers ' try to unthin" the unthin"able. And !ail. '8m hal! way to writing hereulogy when ' hear that laugh.

?ady ?a:arus pushes her la:y trolley over !rom Plants and 9lowers. #y heart leapsthen crashes to earth. he8s not alone.

He8s there.on/ Husband/ Boy!riend/ Fncertainty drops a stone into the pit that is my

stomach. he reaches past me !or beansprouts. Her arm almost brushes mine. %reen-uilted nylon this time.

He says something to her. Their lips move, hers !ull and generous, his thin and tight,the mouth o! an interloper.

At the chec"outs, ' slip to 8Ten 'tems and Fnder8. He8s tal"ing on his phone now,she8s unloading the trolley8s contents onto the conveyor belt. ot laughing. ot evensmiling. he now loo"s old enough to be his mother, pac"ing the shopping into recycledcarriers. A careworn woman, caring about the environment.

&e leave Tesco8s. &e cross the car par". He8s still on his phone, this manboy withno manners. They stop at a battered #ini. He produces "eys and tal"s on. he loadsthree o! the !our recycled carriers into the bac" seat. #oving round to the driver8s sidehe catches the "eys she tosses without brea"ing stride in his conversation. This is notright. This is !ar !rom right.

ust be!ore he drives o!!, he winds down the window. he leans in, her chee"presented. The "iss is duti!ul. he waves a!ter him until the battered #ini disappears!rom view. And when she wal"s away with her shopping, ' !ollow.

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Twenty minutes later, the door closes on umber 9i!teen %arthland $rive. ' watchone, two then three lights !lic" on. And ' wait. An hour. Two. 't8s )ust a!ter nine when shecloses the livingroom curtains. 't8s )ust be!ore eleven when the bedroom light goes o!!. 'cross the road and wal" up the paved path to touch the door"nob gently, my !ingerscurling where hers curled. A warm glow !ills me and when ' glance at the smallpearlised plate above the letterbo it8s almost an a!terthought.

. ac"son. andra/ usan/ indy with an 88, li"e the "iddies8 dolls/ ' have to "now.To my right, a neat !lowerbed, a tall wooden !ence. And a gate. A dog bar"s in the

distance. ' open the gate.Her blue bin brims with scrupulously clean tins and )ars. This caring, careworn

woman8s newspapers are care!ully tied, her )un"mail envelope!ree because envelopeadhesive cannot be recycled and to relegate such items to the recycling bin would bewrong. ' close the lid and turn to its wheeled neighbour.

As ' wal" home my poc"ets bulge with the discarded detritus o! her li!e. 't8s ama:ingwhat people throw away. Post code. Ban" details. Phone number. ame.

7 7 7 7

6



et morning, '8m bac", seven a.m. amantha passes me )ust be!ore eight, dressed in?ycra, pin" and glowing, a whistle around her nec". Twenty minutes later she leaves thehouse, sensible slac"s and the green -uilted nylon, striding purpose!ully. he8s timed itwell. The bus arrives. &e get on, ladies !irst. ' !lash my season tic"et then scan thecrowded lower dec". &e both stand. ' scowl on her behal! at those seated.

he gets o!! less than a mile !rom my !lat. '8m ama:ed we both live and wor" in thesame small area. he wal"s to a nondescript building, punches a number into a "eypadthen enters. ' read the scratched sign a!!ied to the wallE $epartment o! ocial &or". '8msuddenly proud. This caring, careworn woman cares !or others. 9rom the other side o!the street ' scan windows behind which she8s solving problems, etending a helpinghand to those down on their luc". '8m suddenly aching. ' !ind a phonebo and leave nomessage. ' ring another twice )ust to hear her voice on the machine.

The tall wooden !ence screens me !rom prying neighbourly eyes. A potted geraniumon the bac" door step hides another piece o! luc". The house is !ull o! her. A spotless"itchen, the gleam o! lemon cleaner. Her !ruit bowl contains bananas and a wrin"lyapple but is mandarin!ree. Fpstairs, three bedroomsE one a converted study. 'n thesecond, postered walls and a #an Fnited banner await the return o! the manboy. Thedouble bed in the third says two. The lac" o! male clothing in the wardrobe says one.$ivorced/ ever married/ ' li!t a photo !rom her bedside table, loo"ing !or answers. Achild stares bac" at me. &ith the manboy8s eyes.

amantha8s eyes.Be!ore ' "now what '8m doing '8m on the bed, my !ace in her indented pillow,

breathing the warm, impossibly alien smell o! her.

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he wor"s long hours, my "ind and pro!essionally caring, careworn amantha towhom clients spill their troubled lives. #onday nights she shops with the manboy.&ee"ends she tends that neat garden and attends a Pilates class. And she runs seven toeight every morning, three miles to the par", round the gol! course and bac". Thecamera8s cheap but it does the )ob. ow she8s with me even when we8re apart. ' phoneher every day. +ne day perhaps '8ll even spea". +r perhaps not. &hat would ' say/

7 7 7 7

The days shorten into autumn. The cloc"s go bac" and we go !orward. Together. Towor". To Tesco8s. To the bus stop opposite !i!teen %arthland $rive !rom where ' watchher bed winter geraniums. ' sign up !or Pilates. #y core strengthens wee" by wee".ourtesy o! those early morning runs '8ve never been !itter.

' hal!hope she8ll notice me. '8m hal!glad she doesn8t. 't8s enough to be near her.This good woman. #y careworn caring amantha who recycles and helps those less!ortunate than hersel!. Part o! me wants a man in her li!eE she8s still attractive, sheshouldn8t be on her own. But she8s not on her own, is she/

7 7 7 7

66



't8s a dar" $ecember morning. &e8re in the par", turning up towards the gol!course. &e pass the usual early doors dogwal"ers, echange smiles and nods. healways pulls ahead about here, pushing hersel! into a sprint up the steep hill throughthe trees. And ' always let her, the gap widening between us until she8s almost out o!sight. Almost, but not -uite. At the top o! the rise ' see him be!ore she does, a strea" o!swi!tmoving grey against the lightening s"y. +ne hand8s around her nec", another overher mouth. Pale blue trainered !eet !lail as he pulls her into hawthorn cover.

old sweat blooms on my s"in and '8m running !aster than ' "new ' could. he8s onthe ground when ' reach them, his larger, heavier legs pinning her there. He8s pawing ather sweatshirt. +ur eyes meet over the top o! his head, hers un!ocused by panic. Her!ace is a patch o! pale terror. The Pilates pays o!!. ' grab the collar o! his )ac"et. He8slighter than a !eather as ' thrust him away. urprise is on my side and it ta"es him amoment to recover. 't8s all ' need. All we need. ' can )ust about hear her rasping breathover the pounding in my head. ' "ic" him. He grunts and tries to get up. ' "ic" him again.He curls into a ball. ' "eep "ic"ing, my !oot impacting the "idney area with a so!tlysatis!ying scrunch.

An earsplitting blast o! sound ma"es us both )ump. omehow he8s on his !eet. Andwe8re running, bac" down the hill towards the side gate. 4unning on instinct, the soundo! her whistle still echoing in my head when ' get home.

' hate that ' le!t her there. o one deserves to be abandoned, alone and scared. ' tryto get my breath bac", the photos on my bedroom wall blurring. ' tell mysel! she8ll be!ine. But !or the !irst wee"end in ten ' s"ip Pilates. ' avoid %arthland $rive and Tesco8s.The !eeling that ' let her down re!uses to leave. ' can8t !ace her. 't8s Tuesday be!ore 'leave the house again. 'n Asda, ' buy the local paper because ' always buy the localpaper and there she is, my amantha, on page three. The photo8s not as good as the ones' ta"e but the headline more than compensatesE 8ocial &or"er than"s her %uardianAngel.8 #y hands sha"e. ' have to sit down. ' !ind a wall in the car par" and lean againstit, her in"ed words wriggling be!ore my eyes. A warm glow spreads to replace the coldshame o! the last three days. ' was there !or her. ' was and always will be there !or her.

he8s )oined a gym. ' )oin too. o more dar" par"s !or us. &e now run side by sideon ad)acent, stateo!theart treadmills. he gives me a smile, most mornings.Tomorrow, maybe '8ll o!!er her a mandarin.

67



No Me Either - by Mindy /uigley

ou8d thin" it8d be hard to get close to someone i! you wurnae sure i! it was themthat put !our bullets in your ma8s chest and another one right between your da8s eyes.But the !act is that me and my brothers and my sister couldnae8ve been closer. '8d8vetrusted all o! them wi8 my li!e.

' still remember )ust how my ma loo"ed the day she got shot. ' can still see herslumped against the wall wi8 smears o! blood behind her all down that ugly bluewallpaper. he was )ust sittin8 there wi8 her dressing gown open at the !ront. he onlyhad her "nic"ers on underneath, so you could see her whole chest and count the !ourholes. +ne o! her tits8d been shot in hal!. +ne o! those big, drooping tits * the "inda tits

me and Brenda inherited and that still give my bac" )ip to this day * was blown almostin two. And either Brenda or one o! the boys done it.9or the third time in !ortyeight year, ' was sittin8 in a solicitor8s o!!ice. The solicitor

was young, scrawny and serious. He8d a wee silver letter opener, and he cut through thisbrown envelope and pulled out a piece o! card. 8o me, either,8 he read. He turned thecard around so we could see it. lap bang in the middle was the words 8+ #> >'TH>48,written in my sister Brenda8s shoogly handwriting.

89uc" me,8 muttered my brother, $ere". And then louder, 8'8ll be !uc"ed.8 He ran histhic" !ingers over the top o! his head, as i! to !i his hair i! he8d had any le!t. 89uc"8s sa"e,Pauline, ye was only nine year old.8

The solicitor coughed. 8'8m a!raid ' don8t understand the signi!icance o! this card. 'sit something to do with the inheritance/8 The solicitor wisnae posh. ' mean, he was )ustyour bogstandard lawyer, but ye could tell he was the type 8ut didnae li"e swearin8. #aused to "noc" the shite outta us when we8d curse, which was a !uc"ing )o"e seeing asshe had a gob on her that would8ve geid a sailor a red !ace.

$ere" had a good laugh at the solicitor8s -uestion about the inheritance. He laughed8til tears rolled over his !at chee"s. The solicitor held out a bo o! tissues, but $ere"wiped his eyes wi8 the bac" o! his hands, and we stood up to leave. 8o, pal. ou8reawright.8

'! '8d8ve been in a di!!erent mood, ' might8ve laughed, in all. 9or !uc"8s sa"e, what

inheritance was he on about/ Brenda8s will, which the solicitor had )ust read out, hadsaid that a!ter all her worldly goods was sold, the balance o! the estate should be geid toHistoric cotland. 8The balance o! the estate.8 ' mean !or !uc"8s sa"e, she died o! a burstulcer in her council house with only an eightyearold kauhall Astra to her name. +ncewe pay the underta"er and the solicitor, the le!tovers wouldnae be enough to buy ablade o! bloody grass !or the lawn o! one o! them !uc"ing castles. ' could well pictureBrenda laughing her arse o!! when she put that in her will.

#e and $ere" went up the road to a wee ca! near #aryhill 4oad. aebody else wasin. tuc" up on a shel! in the corner there was a wee telly, and the woman behind thecounter was watching Paul +8%rady wi8 the volume turned up loud.

&e too" a seat right in !ront o! the window. 8'8ve gotta say, Pauline, '8m gobsmac"ed.'8d8ve laid odds 10to1 on it bein8 Brenda. he was such a mother hen to ye. But ' guess

6(



And what seems !unny to me even now is that we never bothered too much aboutwhich one o! us had done it. &e all went to the "itchen, and Brenda made us all a brew. 'remember $ere" or #ichael had as"ed who had done it and where they8d got the gunand what they8d done wi8 the gun. >verybody said it wisnae them and that they didnae"now. A !ew o! them pointed !ingers at each other, which made me and %ilbert upset.Brenda told 8em to leave o!!, and that there was no point in "nowin8. he said we shouldall )ust be grate!ul to whoever done it and maybe it was %od hi8sel! that came down anddone it, and to leave it alone.

#ichael and $ere" got to wor" pretty much straightaway, li"e they8d always "nownwhat to do when you wa"e up in the night and your ma and your da is shot by one o!your brothers and sisters. They wrapped my ma and my da up in blan"ets and dragged8em into the bathtub. Then, #ichael got the "ey o!! o! my da8s chain, unloc"ed the doorand went away !or a wee while, and came bac" later with some tools he pinched !romsomewhere. But then Brenda said that it was going to be too much palaver and that wecouldnae very well do without a bathroom !or %od "nows how long. o the bigger boyshoisted my ma and my da up into the lo!t and wheeched them down through the ceilinginto the empty !lat net door. ou see, the way them tenements was built, even thoughthere were walls between all the !lats, all the lo!ts o! the top !lats were connected. oucould )ust wal" all the way along the )oists !rom one end o! the tenement to the other. othey dragged my ma and my da up and across and down into the one net door. A!terthey moved 8em, me and Brenda cleaned up the blood and the other bits and pieces wi8bleach while %ilbert listened to records in the big boys8 bedroom.

et day, we all had a lie in and missed school. That wisnae unusual !or us, andnaebody !rom the school gave two !uc"s. Bac" then was a di!!erent time. The otherwee", my daughter !orgot to ring the school to say that my grandson was o!! sic" withvomiting and diarrhoea, and the school rang her mobile at twenty past nine giving her aright row. Anyway, ' didnae "now it 8til a !ew years later, but what the older ones donewas this * they put my ma and my da in the auld bathtub inside the boardedup houseand used a hac"saw to cut 8em up into pieces. ?ittle by little over a wee" or two, theythrew some o! the wee pieces out wi8 the rubbish and burned some o! 8em up in our coal!ire 8til they was all gone.

#y ma and da had never wor"ed and had never "ept much company. #y da didnaeeven go to the pub. +ver the net couple o! wee"s, men would sometime come roundloo"ing !or Brenda, but #ichael and $ere" )ust met 8em at the door with a cric"et batand a length o! chain and told 8em to !uc" o!!. ometimes someone at the shop would as"how my ma was, but ' would tell them that $a had !ound #a with another man andchuc"ed her out on her arse. Pretty soon they stopped as"in8.

#ichael and $ere" le!t school and got )obs. Brenda stayed at home and loo"ed a!terus all. 9or a long time, we )ust got on wi8 our lives. Brenda applied !or us to live in acouncil house and somehow eplained how we8d ended up living on our own withoutany ma or da. >ventually, we all got married or got )obs and moved out. But we8vealways lived on the same estate and we seen each other 8most every day.

About twenty year ago, the doctors told %ilbert that he had a tumour the si:e 8o apor" pie on his liver and that he better ma"e his last peace as -uic" as he could. He diedabout three months later. &hen they read out his will, there was a bit in there that said,8To my brothers and sisters, ' )ust want you to "now, it was not me.8

78



%ilbert8s wi!e, ?ynda, didnae "now what he was on about. he had no notion aboutany o! it and she )ust saw all us sittin8 there with our )aws hangin8 open, li"e we wastryin8 to catch !lies. #ichael piped up and told her and their "ids that it was an inside)o"e. omething about who used to use the last o! the loo roll. &e all laughed andnaebody said more about it. But then a !ew years later, when #ichael hi8sel! was gettingput into the ground a!ter he had a stro"e, he done the same thing. 8ot me, either,8 hiswill had said. o we all o! us went out and got wills done !or ourselves, so every time oneo! us %lamcy "ids, as was, died, we8d have that bit in there. &e never said nowt to eachother. &e )ust "new in ourselves that it8d be worth the wait when the last o! us went.?i"e waitin8 !or the punchline o! a )o"e.

And that8s how we came to the part that ' was telling you about be!ore, where $ere"thought it was me.

8't wisnae me,8 ' said.8uit !uc"ing wi8 me,8 $ere" said, laughing a wee bit.8'8m telling you * honest to %od, $ere" * that it wisnae me. '8d tell you i! it was. ou

"now ' would.8 't crossed my mind !or a minute that $ere" might be !uc"ing wi8 me. But' "now my brother li"e my own hand, and ' didnae thin" he was )o"in8.

&e sat a wee while, drin"ing our tea.89uc",8 $ere" said. ot angry or nothin8, but )ust summin8 it all up. 8ou dunnae

suppose one o! the others was !uc"ing wi8 us/8But he and ' both "new that they wouldnae8a done that.8#aybe #rs. ?orimer/8 ' said.8&ho/88The auld woman that lived net door,8 ' said. 8he had her husband8s gun !rom the

9irst &orld &ar. And sometime she used to gi8 me and %ilbert some tatties or a piece 8n)am i! she seen us out. he could8ve got in through the lo!t.8

8How the !uc" is an auld woman gonna Harry !uc"in8 Houdini hersel! up into the!uc"ing lo!t, across the )oists, creep down into our place li"e a !uc"ing cat burglar, dowhat happened, and then magic her bloody sel! away again be!ore any o! us saw her/8

8&ell, who then/88&hat about that auld bastard that lived at number 31/ He !uc"ing hated my ma.

4emember when he came to the house and said she poisoned his dugs/ he probablydid, too. he !uc"ing hated dugs.8

8How would he o! got bac" up into the lo!t be!ore any o! us seen/8$ere" thought !or a wee minute. He too" a cigarette out and put it to his lips. Then

he remembered again and tuc"ed it behind his ear. 8He wouldnae8a had to. He could8ve)ust hid in the wardrobe in their bedroom 8til we all !ell asleep. Then he could8ve )ustwal"ed right out the !ront door. 't were unloc"ed by then.8

8' need a wal",8 ' said. ' wisnae upset, eactly. But you8ve to admit that it8s a lot tota"e in. ' mean, esus. 9or !i!ty year we was all coverin8 up !or each other and loo"in8 out!or each other. And now we come to !ind out that we was probably covering up !or somelowli!e piece o! shite !rom the auld tenement.

#e and $ere" went out. 't8d started to rain, but not hard. &e too" our time, wal"ingand thin"ing.

7&



8$o you really thin" he would8ve "illed her over his dugs/ ' mean, they was )ustdugs. And why would he "ill my da/ And why not "ill any o! us/8 #y brain !elt li"e all theideas in it had dried up, li"e when you been cryin8 !or so long that you run outta tears.

89uc"ed i! ' "now. He was a mean bastard. He might8ve.8 $ere" lit up a cigarette. Heo!!ered me one, and even though ' -uit about ten years bac", ' too" it. &e wal"ed awhile more, )ust smo"ing. #y daughter teted and as"ed me could ' pic" up some tights!or her wee8un to wear to her cousin aycey8s birthday party net wee"end. ' stubbedout the !ag on the pavement.

8?et it alone, $ere",8 ' said.8' !eel li"e we should do something. 't disnae seem right that some murderin8 !uc"

should8ve got away with "illing my ma and my da li"e that.8' "issed him and as"ed did he need anything !rom the shops. He shoo" his head.

8Brenda was probably right,8 ' said. 8't was probably %od hi8sel! that came down and didit.8 ' gave him another "iss and said '8d call round later. And then ' wal"ed away.

72



%ouble Trouble - by Mihael Rigg

&e were starting to lose too many !riends, onny and me, and not )ust !rom naturalcauses either. ?ondon was getting too warm !or us and it8s not the weather '8m tal"ingabout. 't was time !or a change o! scenery.

cotland loo"ed good on the map. A -uic" trip up the >ast oast line, a couple o!lads on holiday, melt into the bac"ground, maybe see i! there was a bit o! business to bedone. o bother getting !itted out with !resh '$, ' still had plenty o! contacts and wemade sure none o! the paperwor" let on we were related. 't8s handy having a twinbrother nobody "nows about i! ever you need an alibi, i! you "now what ' mean. Peas ina pod, as our ma used to say. Peas in a pod.

onny said he8d go over to >dinburgh, loo" up an old !riend who owed him a !avour.' gave my cousin #ic" a bell, my Auntie ?aura8s youngestD we8d always got on wheneverhe and his brothers came down south. He8d signed on !or a spell with the army who8dtrained him up, shipped him out to "ic" up the dust in the bac" alleys o! Baghdad and onto play with the Taliban on the dirty side o! the @hyber Pass. ow he was bac" on hometur!, doing o" in the old ice cream trade.

't didn8t ta"e long to get me set up with a van. Parliamo %lasgow, no bother, ' pic"edup the patter soon enough once ' hoo"ed up with ?ynn. onny8s speciality is electronics,he8s always been a genius with the computers. rac"ing passwords, he says, it8s a sighteasier than going out in the cold and wet to stic" a lump o! plastic under a sa!e. o

danger o! the heavy brigade coming screaming in on you when your hands are !ull o!crisp new notes and the stench o! melting metal8s hanging in your nostrils. The beautyo! it is he can do his wor" !rom anywhere. #ile >nd 4oad, the 4iviera, a room with aview o! kesuvius. +r Arthur8s eat, come to that.

But this isn8t a geography lesson. &hat ' was going to tell you about was whathappened to onny. ' was stuc" in the Bar? when ' !irst heard. Bit o! a holiday !romwor", you could say. ever mind why, let8s )ust say it wasn8t !or helping old ladiesacross to the shops in auchiehall treet. #e and Angus were having a wee blether, he8salways good !or a laugh when time hangs heavy. His heart8s in the right place even i! hismouth runs away with him sometimes. ot that ' mind, it8s )ust tal" and it8s always best

to "eep Angus smooth. lasher Angus, that8s what they cry him, and it isn8t )ust !or the)aggy scar that runs down his le!t chee", he8s pretty slic" with a blade himsel!.That morning, a 9riday it was, late ovember, lasher was going on about the

bampots on B Bloc".8erves them right,8 he was saying, 8i! they wal" into a shut door and come out with

three smashed ribs. Things they do to women, girls, underage and that, The unwouldn8t print it, never mind The $erald . oung boys, too, you wouldn8t credit it, theirown weans even. ee what '8d do to them/8

licing the air with his right hand, he gestured at his crotch.' nodded. 't8s always best to agree with lasher even i! he tells you #otherwell8s a

cert !or the up.

73



He was about to go on when the door burst open. crews, they don8t "noc", nevermind what you8re up to, they always need to remind you who8s boss. lasher and ' "eptour heads down. Best not to invite any aggro.

+ne o! the screws grabs hold o! my right arm.8%overnor8s o!!ice,8 he says. 8Pronto.8The other screw ta"es hold o! my le!t arm and we were o!!.' hadn8t a clue what ' was up !or and o! course the screws didn8t let on as per usual

so my mind was racing as ' was marched through the halls. Had someone grassed aboutmy stash/ ' didn8t want ?ynn to be !or it, she was a good sort, came regular each wee"while ' was down there.

Anyway, there ' was with my head !ull o! mince, trying to thin" up a story toaccount !or anything the governor might throw at me. There was the usual -uota o! conslined up outside his room but the screws led me straight to the head o! the -ueue. Thatthrew me. 't must be something serious. ' searched my mind but ' couldn8t thin" o!anything. Apart !rom the bit o! dope the cupboard was bare, not even a grain o! harlie,de!initely nothing a spaniel could get a sni!! on.

The governor was sitting behind his des". He wasn8t smiling. Bet he never smileseven to his wi!e or "ids. ' wasn8t stood there long till he came out with it.

8ou have a brother/8ow how did he "now that/ Thought we8d managed to "eep it a secret. ever even

told ?ynn and ' "now !or a !act onny would never let on.8ame o! onathan #athew 4ailston/8%ot his name right and all. &hat was the story/ #y '$ was "osher enough !or the

top man o! #ossad to eat o!!.8He8s dead.8ust li"e that. He might have given me a bit o! warning, but no, that8s never the way,

is it/ #y !irst thought was, was this a stunt to set me up/ The man had to be )o"ing. Hadto be. His mouth was still wor"ing.

8&e had a message,8 he says. 8't was received at 0.f0 today.8He pic"s up a slip o! paper !rom the pile on his des".8Please in!orm prisoner number 3=f;20, Henry lar" 4ailston, also "nown as

Andrew 9ergus ampbell, that his brother onathan #athew 4ailston, alias %rant#c$ougal, was observed lying on the pavement o! &arrender Par" Terrace ad)acent toBrunts!ield ?in"s, >dinburgh at 0<.13 this morning. +n eamination, this person wasdiscovered to be su!!ering !rom severe in)uries to the legs, spinal cord and head. He wastrans!erred by ambulance to the accident and emergency department o! the 4oyal'n!irmary where he was subse-uently pronounced dead on arrival. This event wastimed at 0f.11 on the date o! this communication.8

He gives me a !ew more details, but that was about it. '8d been in!ormed but ' wasnone the wiser. eems the stupid bugger had ta"en the li!t to the penthouse suite in ahigh rise, )emmied the door, helped himsel! to a !ew glasses o! some guy8s !inest malt,opened a window and )umped out. ust li"e that. As i! he thought he could !loat rightbac" home to his bed or something. &hat8s more, it seemed someone had blown ourcover and that spelt danger with a capital 8$8.

' came bac" to my ga!! to !ind the screws had turned it over. They never miss a tric".Tal" about "ic"ing a man when he8s down. #y twin brother had )ust tried to !ly without

74



wings and ended up a mess o! blood and brains on the street and they8d been into myplace and gone through all my stu!!. cattered ?ynn8s letters over the lino, emptied mybest bottle o! a!tershave over them and snitched the dope !or themselves with never achit o! a than" you note.

' went ballistic. 't too" si o! them to sit on me be!ore they got the cu!!s on andhauled me down the stairs to the cooler. ' managed to get in a good !ew "ic"s !irst. Acouple o! them wouldn8t be cosying up to their wives and girl!riends !or a while. &hatdid ' care i! ' went down !or a couple more months/ onny was dead and here ' was,banged up all by mysel! with a bruise over my le!t eye that would8ve done ?enno ?ewisproud. 't was unreal, let me tell you. onny dead/ o way.

't wasn8t till the heri!! gave me my marching orders and ' got posted up to hottsthat ' !ound out the real story. ot right o!!, course not. ou have to have your witsabout you in the )ungle, ta"e your time to chec" out the undergrowth !or nasties. ?uc"y'8d come prepared with a !ew grams o! the sweetest candy par"ed up high where thesun doesn8t shine.

The main man was on the early shi!t. He was onto me as soon as there was a -uietmoment, )ust him and me and a couple o! other guys who made lasher Angus loo" li"ethe #ona ?isa.

The #an came straight to the point. 8&hat8ve you got/88Ta"e it easy,8 ' said, 8'8ve not had time to get my bags unpac"ed yet.8+ne o! the guardian angels too" hal! a step towards me.' made a bit o! a show o! it, no point in rolling over too easy and anyway ' still had a

!ew connections as they must8ve "nown, because when ' handed hal! o! it over the #annodded and the angels melted bac" into the shadows. eemed li"e ' was in. #aybe 'could call in a !ew !avours, somebody here must "now something.

't all started to ma"e sense when word o! what had really gone on got bac" to me. 'should8ve seen it right o!!. ' "new onny could be pretty da!t sometimes but not so da!tas to )ump out o! a high rise without a parachute.

eems he wasn8t on his own, a!ter all. 't too" a while to piece it all together. Peopleweren8t too "een to tal" at !irst, but with a !ew grains o! one hundred per cent certi!iedpowder and the #an and his angels on my side, ' got the story out bit by bit.

?i"e ' said, give onny a used P and hal! a ban" code and you8ll !ind a couple o!grand in a wiss account under any moni"er you choose, but when he had cash in handhe could go a bit wild. He8d been told there was a good party going on up in one o! theposhest streets in >dinburgh and set o!! there with a nice wee pac"age o! the white stu!!snug in his bac" poc"et all !it !or a good night out.

&hen he turned up at the place he !ound out some guy he8d crossed words with wasthere !irst. A!ter a !ew beers on top o! the lines they started to get into a bit o! adiscussion and somehow onny had ended up getting his oneway tic"et out thewindow.

' wor"ed on it !or a while longer to !ind out everything about the guy who8d givenhim the push, so by the time ' was out in the !resh air again ' had it all straight. Bigamie, his name was, stayed down the !ar end o! ?eith &al". Turned out he was in thesame line o! business as me. >ast side o! the country o! course, outside my patch, still,being in the trade made things loo" more natural. 't too" a while to set up a rende:vousbut ' wasn8t in a rush, !ive months had given me plenty o! time to wor" out a plan.

7



+nce ' had it all chec"ed out, there was me and #ic" and lasher Angus sitting niceand easy one !ine evening up in a top !loor !lat over in the &ynd!ord, sipping a beer and)ust waiting !or events to un!old. &e8d a bit o! time on our hands and lasher wasblethering away about the old days.

8Accidents with the slopping out bowls,8 he was saying, 8you should8ve been there.Those were the days, eh/ ourse it8s all changed now. #ust be )ammy being one o! they!ly lawyers. ou can sue the system right up to the big court in trasbourg i! they don8tstic" to health and sa!ety. et time around, '8ll mebbe get away along to Fni, !i mysel8up wi8 a !ancy degree, law, nuclear physics, social wor" even. &as it you was telling meyou can get one in brewing/ That8ll do me.8

He too" another swig on his can and ' held up my hand. 't was nearly ten o8cloc".Time !or action stations.

ure enough, dead on cue, in comes amie, not on his own o! course, he might havebeen thic" but he wasn8t that stupid, he had a couple o! !riends with him !or company.&e8d bargained !or that. #ic" had invited three o! his mates along !or the ride. Theywere holed up in the "itchen, )ust to be on the sa!e side.

amie comes into the room !irst, catches sight o! me and stops dead. ' hold out myhand, all !riendly li"e, and ta"e a step towards him. ' didn8t thin" '8d clapped eyes onhim be!ore but something about him seems !amiliar.

His !ace is whiter than the purest powder.8&hat8s the matter/8 ' say. 8een a ghost/8He opens his mouth but nothing comes out.8?ost your voice/8 ' say. 8#aybe you need a bit o! air. &ould you be "ind enough to

open the window, #ic"/8But lasher steps !orward !irst and ' can tell he "nows the man too. 't8s then the

penny drops. The !irst time we8d set eyes on amie he was down at the Bar?, sa!e in thearms o! a couple o! screws coming out the bac" door o! B Bloc".

lasher ta"es out his blade but ' wave him bac". This one8s mine.'n the end, it8s almost too easy. &e never get to use any o! the metal, which is a bit

o! a disappointment to lasher, never mind #ic" and his mates. They pass the time byshowing o!! their samples o! military hardware to amies8s !riends while lasher and '"eep our eyes on amie. All ' have to do is "eep wal"ing towards him. He "eeps wal"ingbac"wards till his arse rests on the window ledge.

' put my !ace close up against his.8>ver ta"en !lying lessons/8 ' say.But he still can8t get a word out, though ' don8t hang about long enough to stic" my

head out the window !or an answer once ' hear a siren starting up somewhere in thedar" down there on the streets.

7 7 7 7

ow here8s the !unny bit. Turned out it wasn8t onny landed on the pavement overin >dinburgh bac" then a!ter all. '8d a hunch straight o!! there was something that didn8tadd up about the story the governor chuc"ed at me and ' was right and all. onny hadbeen holed up at his place all night. He was nursing a bit o! a headache a!ter samplingsome stu!! that was eighty per cent chal" and twenty per cent %od "nows what "ind o!

76



!lessed Are The Cheese&a#ers - by Noel Chidwi#

' shared a table with the !armers8 mar"et poisoner. He munched a bu!!alo burger,and ' warmed my hands around a pot o! porridge. ' didn8t "now it was him at the time,not until his !ace appeared on %eporting Scotland one 9riday evening.

8' met him,8 ' said to my wi!e. he loo"ed up !rom her udo"o.aptured on video !or a !ew seconds on his way to the High ourt, kernon ohnson

wasn8t sure where to put his handsD he !elt his collar, then started scratching hismoustache.

8He doesn8t loo" li"e he would "now how to hold a syringe,8 she said, con!identlywriting a 88 in a bo.

8He didn8t do it,8 ' said. #eanwhile the news moved on to an item on dead owls.

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The story/ 't was a crisp winter8s aturday, and by teatime there were !ourteensic" people in the 4oyal 'n!irmary, and one woman in the morgue * poisoned. Theconnection/ They all bought !ood at the !armers8 mar"et. ' was in luc", that was onetime ' didn8t goD that day ' chose a warm co!!ee shop in Brunts!ield as my base to edit mylatest collection o! >dinburgh tales.

't hadn8t ta"en the police long to !ind a culpritD the victims had bought items !rom

the same stalls that ohnson visited. At the mar"et everyone handled the !ood, and itwould have been a simple matter to slip a syringe needle into a pac" o! minced lamb ora waed cheese. But why did he do it/ kernon ohnson was assistant manager at thesupermar"et a !ew streets away * one o! those 8local8 branches. #aybe targets weren8tbeing hit, and his twisted motive shouted 8revenge !or the supermar"et68 in a sic"attempt to scare people away !rom the !armers8 mar"et, and persuade them to returnmee"ly to the supermar"et, bac" to shopping by numbers.

And there was the syringe. 9ound in the toilets at the base o! the multistorey carpar". That it had ohnson8s !ingerprints on it was conclusive evidence. %ot him bang torights, guv8nor.

't had been the wee" be!ore when ' had shared the ric"ety metal table, one o! anumber placed in the middle o! the mar"et. They gave a !ine view o! the castle sittinghigh on its roc" behind the stalls with their neat blue and white striped canopies. Best o!all, it was a ringside seat to en)oy the parade o! locals and visitors meandering in andout, a slowmotion set dance. ' remembered how nervous ohnson was, staring ateveryone, scanning the stalls. He spilled his co!!ee, the cascade narrowly missing myshoe. &e had echanged a !ew words, and he had told me a little bit about himsel!.That8s how ' "new kernon was innocent.

't was aturday the net morning, and ' was sitting at the same table. #y porridgewas hot and creamy, my co!!ee steaming gently in the clear morning air. A pair o!

bus"ers played a set o! -uir"y tunes on recorder and u"ulele as the shoppers began towander along.

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' had lab * my digital notepad * with me, so ' s"etched a plan. A!ter a loo" at The

Scotsman&s reports online, ' pinpointed which stalls had been selected by the poisonerE!ish !rom >yemouthD )ams !rom >ast ?othianD a butcher !rom 9i!eD >dinburgh ba"er$on8s $elightsD and Border heeses. The last three were all in a line, the stallholderswith their bac"s to the car par" overloo"ing @ing8s table 4oad.

't was time ' bought my wee"ly supplies, so ' drained my co!!ee, hoisted my redruc"sac" onto my bac", and too" in the sellers.

' as"ed at all the stalls, out o! curiosity, what they remembered o! the day. am ?adyhad no memory. 8kery busy. Here, try the marmalade with cider.8

The butcher smac"ed his cleaver through a side o! bee!, sha"ing his head.$on shrugged. He o!!ered me a ba"em !rom a bas"et o! little bread balls with

!illings.8How do ' "now what they8ll have inside/8 ' as"ed.8ou won8tE that8s the tric". >very!lavour ba"em.8+nly #artha the cheesema"er remembered kernon. 8He was very interested in my

cheeses, as"ed me all about how ' made them. He tasted them all, ' remember. Pic"edthem up and smelt them. es, he seemed very )ittery, mind, always loo"ing about him.8

'8d reached the end o! the stalls, and !ound mysel! at the police bo co!!ee standE itbelched and hissed crossly as the girl inside prepared a steaming latte. ' loo"ed up at thecastle and !ound ' could pic" out tourists staring down !rom the battlements. &hat didthey ma"e o! the avenue o! canopies below/ Anyone spoiled by the riches o! the mar"etsin any 9rench town would probably laugh, but it8s our mar"et, and ' suddenly !elt anoverwhelming sense o! warmth towards it and its gently middle class clientele, minglingand chatting as they eamined the organic vegetables. ' went home, not sure o! what 'had learned.

+ver the wee" ' pondered, trawling the internet !or whatever in!ormation ' could!ind. +ne person had diedE why only one/ &as she )ust very unluc"y/ There were arange o! ages and a mi o! sees, nothing to connect them. 9rom little Amy ?owrie, apupil at Bonaly Primary to 'ain 9airburn, a bus driver retired twenty years previouslyDthey recovered. Poor Paula ?ivingston, Head o! 'nternal uality 'ssues '' !or>dinburgh ouncil, did not.

't was 9riday a!ternoon by now, and nothing had come to me. ' had !illed lab witheverything ' had !ound, every news item, all the details !rom the !armers8 mar"etwebsite, lin"s !rom all the stallholders8 websites. 't was )ust bits and piels. $ecidingthat a drin" was needed, ' straightened a crumpled tie ' had !ound at the !oot o! mywardrobe, smoothed o!! a button shirt, and headed into >dinburgh.

The #alt hovel pub sits at the bottom o! oc"burn treet, and ' remembered !rommy days playing cric"et !or the ouncil Planning $epartment that it was a commona!terwor" haunt !or council sta!!. And it was very close to the o!!ices o! the ''.

There were !our o! them around a small table. >mpty crisp pac"ets and empty beerglasses showed that they had le!t the o!!ice a little early, ta"ing some wellearned!leitime. ' approached the eldest o! the !our, a man with a shiny bald head, alreadyglowing red in the dim lights o! the pub.

8ames #cab, isn8t it/8 ' said, stretching out my hand. ' -uic"ly invented a name.8onathan PriceE ' may be wor"ing with you net wee". '8ve )ust come up !romBirmingham. Audit consultant. Thought '8d ta"e in >dinburgh !or the wee"end !irst, but

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' heard you8d be here. Hope you don8t mind. an ' )oin you/8 ' too" in their glasses. 8Here* let me get a round in.8 &hen ' listened to the recording on my poc"et voice recorderlater that night, ' was struc" mostly by their vehemence. 't hadn8t ta"en long tomanoeuvre the topic o! conversation to Paula ?ivingston, and it wasn8t hard to wor" outwhat her colleagues had thought o! her. +nly ames #cab had gone to her !uneral, torepresent the department. 8And %ordon turned up too,8 he said. 8Probably to ma"e sureshe was dead.8 The laughter was loud.

8%ordon who/8 ' as"ed.8omeone who used to wor" at ''. ?e!t months ago. Hated Paula8s guts more than

the rest o! us. 4ec"oned she got the Headship through hori:ontal interview. #ost o! usdidn8t agree * couldn8t wor" out who would want to. he probably !ibbed and !awned asusual. Andy * your round68

et day was aturday, mar"et day. ' heaved mysel! out o! bed to leave my wi!esleeping peace!ully, a hard wee" o! wor" behind her. The dog was still curled up,snoring gently, so ' pic"ed up lab and headed into town be!ore the inevitable hangoverdrummed a bad strathspey on my s"ull.

The day was bright, sunny and weirdly warm. ' had arrived at the mar"et )ust a!terthe stalls opened, and some were still setting out their goods. ' settled in my chair with alarge co!!ee. The si::le and smells !rom the hog roast sauntered la:ily along the avenueo! stalls, teasing the early shoppers. A !ew stalls away !rom me, $on had set up a smallgas oven !or his little ba"ems, the heartwarming scents mingling seductively with theroast hog.

A pinpric" o! light caught my eye. High up on the castle battlements, tourists wereta"ing pictures, their cameras !lashing pointlessly. A !ew yards !rom where ' sat, awillowy tourist crouched as he !ramed the stalls in his camera view!inder screen. &hen%eorge +rwell wrote 1;< ' don8t thin" he epected we would become our own BigBrother, spying on each other so !reely, so openly.

' wondered. ' switched on my lab and headed !or ouTube. ThereE three video clipsdatestamped !or that particular aturday morning. Pity the tet below was in apanese.' !ired up the !irst oneE a view !rom >dinburgh astle, ta"ing in the ew Town and thegentle landscape o! 9i!e beyond the 9orth. The net was o! two giggling apanese girlsstanding near the +ne +8loc" gun. The third video too" in the view !rom the bac" o! thecastle, overloo"ing the !armers8 mar"et. The cameraman was providing a runningcommentary o! which ' understood not a syllable. He was obviously en)oying hiscameraE panning and :ooming. Another voice spo"e. He replied, and panned slowly overthe mar"et. Bless you, sir6 ' watched care!ully, not sure what ' was loo"ing !or. He:oomed in now, ta"ing in the canopy stripes. He held three stalls in his view, !rom therearE the 9i!e Butcher, $on8s $elights and Border heeses. Because o! the high angle 'couldn8t see the customers, but ' watched as a hand reached out to the pile o! ba"ems ina bas"et, retrieved one, and vanished. A !ew moments later, $on too" the bas"et o!ba"ems, and tipped them all into a bag under the counter. He re!illed the bas"et !rom abo o! ba"ems and replaced it on the counter.

' watched the clip again. ' noticed, as she moved between stalls, the !igure o! awoman emerging into view !rom the shadow o! the ba"ems8 canopy. Her hand wasmoving down !rom her !ace.

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' peered close to the screen and played the clip !rame by !rame, trying to identi!ythe woman. he had blac" hair, closecropped, but ' couldn8t ma"e out the !ace. he waswearing a beige )ac"et o! some "ind. ' !lic"ed through my notes. Paula ?ivingston hadblac" hair.

' searched through all the image websites, and !ound a !ew photos o! the mar"etta"en that morning. ' care!ully loo"ed at all the people. There * de!initely Paula at abutcher8s counter, bending, eamining the meat closely. Beyond her, ' could )ust ma"eout the !ace o! someone ' recognised * ba"ems man. But he was not behind his stall, hewas watching Paula.

&hy/ ' loo"ed through his details, !ound his website. $on #c'ver. The site was onlythree months old.

Time to do some shopping. ' drained my co!!ee and threw the cup into the bin nearthe bus"ers. ' dropped a pound coin into their bo, and the recorder player raised herinstrument in ac"nowledgment.

' too" my time at $on8s $elights. ' made a point o! reading one o! the lea!lets a!ter 'bought a bag o! assorted )am ba"ems.

8$on, isn8t it/8 ' said.8That8s right.88These are delicious * been doing this long/88o, ' only started selling them )ust be!ore hristmas.88+h, what gave you the idea/8$on served another customer, !illing a paper bag with a do:en savoury ba"ems.8Too" redundancy. 9riends said ' should sell these, so when the chance came, ' too"

it. %lad to be out o! an o!!ice.88' "now what you mean. 't8s the politics that gets you, isn8t it/8$on loo"ed at me. odded.8&ho did you wor" !or/88ouncil.8' moved on to Border heeses * #artha8s stall. ' only hal! listened to her as she

passed me the change a!ter ' had chosen one o! her solid, wawrapped smo"edcheeses, shaped li"e bloated ice hoc"ey puc"s. omething about delays driving up !rom%alashiels as police -uestioned drivers loo"ing !or witnesses. As ' turned, ' heard hercall across to $onE 8' meant to sayE were you visiting !riends on the day o! thepoisonings/ ' passed your van in a layby on the way home.8

toc"ed up, ' returned to my seat with another co!!ee and ' pulled out a ba"em !romthe bag * mango )am. ' wondered how $on !illed them. ' sat bac" and closed my eyes !ora moment. ?i"e scenes !rom a !ilm trailer, a possibility ran through my mind * but howto con!irm it/ 9irst, two last little pieces o! research. ' !lic"ed open lab, and summoned%oogle li"e a priest o! old would summon his god. Ten minutes later, ' wrote an email. 'hoped $on #c'ver had a smartphone, and sure enough ' watched him reach into hispoc"et.

ub)ectE Bakems

#essageE Sorry' not an order' (t ! needed yor attention' )on *c!#er' formerly of

!nternal +ality !sses' "din(rgh Concil. ,o sed to work with -ala i#ingston' didn&t

yo/ ! think yo poisoned -ala. et me know if !&#e got this right. See my net email.

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,ors'

wellwisher 3 for 4incent 5ohnson.

+ut o! the corner o! my eye $on peered at his phone. ' pressed the send buttonagain.

ub)ectE Why/

#essageE ,o didn&t like her' did yo/ ,o left the !+! with delight. *ind yo' no one

else liked her either' (t yo were lcky 3 yo took the redndancy package and left the

!+! as soon as yo cold. cky' that is' ntil she trned p at yor stall' and she still

teased yo. Coldn&t lea#e off the (llying6 she hadn&t stopped after the (otched tri(nal 3

yor colleages were especially sympathetic' (t -ala seemed to get away with

anything. So when she trned p at the stall' all the old emotions (((led ot 3 she was

spoiling e#en this' yor new life.

,or (akems are good (y the way.

He waited.

ub)ectE $ow/

#essageE She was coming to the market e#ery week' now wasn&t she/ She had the 7o(

yo shold ha#e had' and she wanted to make sre yo knew. ,o watched. nd yo

plotted. ll it took in the end was slick timing and carefl doses. ,o offered -ala a

free(ie 3 and she took it. ,o followed her after that' and at all the stalls where she

(oght some food' yo in7ected a 8ick 7et of poison. 9ot too mch6 7st enogh to gi#e

someone a sore tmmy. ,o didn&t want to kill anyone else. nd that&s why yo threw

away yor (akems: all the samples were poisoned' with enogh in each of them to fell a

camel.

$ow do ! know/ Watch this #ideo' taken (y a helpfl 5apanese torist from the castle.

' waited !or a while.

ub)ectE The syringe

#essageE nd that&s where 4incent comes into this. ,o had popped down to the

toilets straight after and thrown the syringe away. ,o thoght a drggie wold take it

away' ecept it was poor 4incent 5ohnson who picked it p and pt it ot of the way. s a

conscientios food handler' of corse' yo had yor glo#es on' e#en as yo (oght spplies

from the stalls as yo followed poor -ala.

!&m right' aren&t !/ ;h' and here is a photo of yo watching -ala. She is starting to

look a little pale' isn&t she/

Hmmm. He seems to be smiling at that. Time !or my best guess.

ub)ectE The poisoned (akems

#essageE $ow to get rid of them/ ,o can&t dispose of them at home in case the police

do try to connect yo somehow' and as more than 7st another stallholder whose food

was poisoned. few days after' there were reports of dead sparrowhawks and (<<ards

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fond in the Borders' roghly in a line down to Galashiels. -olice were looking for

witnesses' anyone who might ha#e seen anything. !n the afternoon yo took a little dri#e

down the =' stopping from time to time to take in the scenery 3 and to throw the (reads

in the (ins. ;nly' mice and rats fond them' and in trn 3 well yo get the idea. There&s an

innocent man waiting for the trth to come ot.

!&m watching yo #ery careflly' *r Gor)on *c!#er.

#aybe ' shouldn8t have said that. He loo"ed up, and scanned the mar"et scene. Agap opened up in the crowds and he caught my eye.

+ops.He let out a loud cry, and snatched up a cleaver !rom the butcher8s stall and ran

towards me ...ou can watch what happened on ouTube * you wouldn8t believe how many

camera phones there are at a !armers8 mar"et. He was within splitting distance o! mewhen a wellaimed waed cheese connected with the base o! his s"ull and !loored him.#artha does come !rom good Borders !arming stoc", with !ive rugbyplaying brothers.Bless you #artha. #c'ver was roughly tac"led and weighed down by a group o!shoppersD ' curled up in my seat crushed bac" against the wall, hugging lab.

kincent was released within hours.He le!t the supermar"et, and set up in business, )ust him and his wi!e. 't was the

dream he had con!essed to me, and why he had !urtively eplored the mar"et when heshould have been at the supermar"et. They run an artisan ba"ery, and they have a stallat the !armers8 mar"et. Their speciality is little bread rolls with random !illings, and theyare delicious. ' get a !ree bag every time ' visit the mar"et. ou should try the cheeseones.

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Worth the Wait - by Robert *en#ins

At !irst it didn8t seem it was going to be worth waiting, you "now, Alec. o no pointin murder. &ell, ' didn8t even thin" o! it.

+ur old Aunt #ay made a !avourite o! me, and ' thin" she was a bit a!raid o! you, in!act everybody was a bit a!raid o! you, my elder brother by !ive years. ou had realbrains, and culture, and wotnot. ou were superman, ' was a bit patheticE that8s whatpeople thought, but ' "new '8d show them.

Anyway, Auntie #ay said to meE 8'8ll be leaving what '8ve got to you, ames. 't won8tbe much. ' only rent the house, and ' only have about twenty thousand in the ban", notbringing me much in, but ' will leave it there. But Alec has plenty, doesn8t he/ All that

success with his own companies, then choosing the right shares in other people8s. oyou8ll get what ' have, though ' epect to go on !or another ten years or so yet.88+h, '8m sure you will, Auntie #ay,8 ' said. And ' really didn8t mind. Twenty thousand

is peanuts these days, is it not/ ertainly would be to you, Alec, living in that mansion upnear ?och ?omond, ra"ing it in by computer, !or %od8s sa"e.

Anyway, '8d decided to try my luc" abroadE perhaps America.But then Auntie had other news. ou had been to see her, you bugger, in that little

%lasgow terraced house.Auntie saidE 8He wasn8t very nice about you, Alec.88o/8 ' said, thin"ing 8bugger you, then.8

8o, but don8t let it upset you. &hat he said to me to start with was that he wantedto see ' would be well loo"ed a!ter as ' got older. He as"ed me what my own plans were.o ' told him, o! course ' can get about at the moment, in spite o! my arthritis, but it isgetting worse, so ' epected '8d have to go somewhere to be loo"ed a!ter, eventually. '8dbeen thin"ing about that. That8s all ' said to him.8

he8d made us both co!!ee with whis"y in it, li"e always. Then she told me whatyou8d said, that you didn8t trust the ordinary places, and you were going to pay !or aplace !or Auntie where she could get a dedicated nurse i! needed, and plenty o! privacy,!ood to eact order, all the trimmings. &ell, you had to show o!!, didn8t you, you bugger.

Then you told her you wanted to administer the money needed yoursel!, "eep a

chec" that the place Auntie ended up in was always up to scratch. ou wanted tosa!eguard Auntie8s !uture i! anything happened to you, so you8d revised your will,leaving her a tidy sum, and you hoped and trusted she would use it wisely to "eephersel! wellcared !or, and be in a position o! power, so there was never any chance o!illtreatment. 8A!raid it can go on even in places that have been the best,8 was what yousaid, and no doubt you were right. ou hear stories. A change o! management or gettingsome bad sta!! is all it ta"es, but i! you8ve got money you can do something about it. 8oucan do anything with moneyE money is power,8 you told her. +! course, you8d "now, Alec,you bugger.

o you said you8d le!t a load to Auntie, )ust in case a bus ran you down, or

something, though '8m not sure any bus would dare. &ell, you didn8t say 8load8, but aload it was. ' remember what Auntie #ay said. 8Around a million6 But he said ' mustn8t

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give any to you. #ade me promise. aid, don8t give any to my loser o! a brother, hewon8t do anything good with it.8 That8s what you told her, you bugger, and ' don8t thin"you8d care i! she told me. ou "new she never "ept things li"e that bac", broughtanything that smac"ed o! gossip into the openD she had this code o! honesty, she was abit unworldly. And she always "ept a promise. But the thing is, what she didn8t eventhin" o! at the time, was she8d made a promise to meE promised to ma"e me the solebene!iciary o! her will.

&ell, you "now, Alec, ' didn8t thin" she8d get through a million or so, plus whateverit brought in, no matter what arrangements she made !or her own wel!are. Her needswere simple, and she was thri!ty. #ost li"ely the income !rom the interest would beenoughD the money you le!t her, in the unli"ely event o! that daring bus, would remainpretty well unspent.

o that made the matter o! waiting suddenly more interesting. That and murderEyours.

The beauty o! the matter was '8d no apparent motive to murder you. ou certainlyweren8t leaving money to me, ' was sure o! that * in !act you8d told people that * and '8dno other motive. &e never -uarrelled. ' too" the most appalling insults !rom youwithout batting an eyelid well, '8d got used to it, and now and then you8d telleverybody you loved your brother really, )ust !elt sorry !or him, and '8d )ust mooch inthe bac"ground, as you put it yoursel!, mooch, literally or !iguratively. ot allowedanything else, even though you once said 8$on8t )ust mooch, ames, stand up li"e a man68But when ' stood up li"e a man, as you put it, you didn8t really li"e it, made me !eel ' wasbeing pretentious. But what ' did have was a !eeling ' might stri"e bac" in the long runDin !act ' thought '8d show all o! them in the long run.

&ith you dead, '8d eventually get that money you le!t to Auntie #ay, or most o! it.ou never realised she planned to leave everything to me, did you/ ou )ust "new whatshe8d said, all those years agoE 8'8ll be leaving my money to the 4PA, ' saw too muchcruelty to animals when ' was little.8

&ell, her !amily were a pretty rough lot o! country !ol", weren8t they/And you see, Alec, when she told me she8d leave it to me instead, she said, 8&ell, '

never promised the 4PA, and ' thin" you8ve been poorly treated yoursel!, ames.8' as"ed her not to tell anyone about her change o! heart, and especially not to tell

you, and she promised she wouldn8t. ' didn8t want her saying that to you, about mebeing poorly treated. ' could )ust see that supercilious smile o! yours.

+! course, Alec, she meant ill treated by being made to play second !iddle all thetime. ' might have been Auntie #ay8s !avourite, but you were the !avourite o! ourparents, you bugger. ' was nobody, you were everybody. ' doubt they really believed theuniverse had any inhabitant other than you. $id you ever properly realise that yoursel!,by the way/

Anyway, Aunty #ay could see it, and she always thought her elder sister put on airsanywayD ' epect she decided you were one o! the airs. &hich you were, come to thin" o!it, the main one. he was always boasting about you.

o ' got to thin"ing, i! ' could arrange that bus, or something li"e it, then ' wouldwait. ' mean ' could never do any harm to Auntie, and in any case i! it didn8t come outli"e an accident, '8d be suspected, as the bene!iciary.

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'n !act the longer ' had to wait, the !urther !rom suspicion '8d get. ' wouldn8t beli"ely to have some smartarsed police detective suspecting my concealed motive,wondering i! ' was playing a long game. #ind you, everyone would always say '8d neverbe able to play a long game, but '8d show them )ust what ' could do.

Anyway, the point is, even a!ter ten years or so and Auntie really wasn8t at all li"elyto go on !or much more, '8d still be only in my !orties. o the problem was how/ 'deally,it needed to loo" li"e an accident, o! course. &ell, it was so obvious. >very now and thenyou invited me up to see you why, come to thin" o! it/ To gloat/. ' got to "now yourroutine. ou went running every aturday morning, starting not !ar away !rom yourmansion, near the Arrochar Alps o! course, you )oined in the main Arrochar Alps runwhen it was held.

ou told me all about your routine run, wanted me to )oin you. &ell, you even gotme to do a bit o! it. 't was a regular route, wasn8t it, !or !itness !anatics li"e yoursel!, andpart o! it was a roc"climb up a little cli!!, about !i!ty !eet high. But you had to lose time,you and your !ellow !anatics, when you had a struggle to get over the very last bit o! theclimb. There weren8t any very good holds there. o one o! you was it you/ hammered aspi"e into a crac" in the roc" near the top, a bloody great long thing which stuc" outenough to grab when you heaved yoursel! over that top edge.

omebody complained that it wasn8t right to stic" something arti!icial thereD youtold me when you got me to go out with you, remember/ &ell, ' went up the easy routeon the other side and met you, didn8t ', one aturday. ou were always as regular ascloc"wor", and no one else went out to that course so early on a aturday.

84eally,8 you said in that scorn!ul way you had, 8omplaints6 The politicalcorrectness people again68

' said, 8's it sa!e/8ou said, in your o!!hand wayE 8+h, we chec" it now and then.8' remember you got up the climb as though you were still running, then went on to

!inish the course, me pu!!ing and panting behind you.Anyway, on my last visit to your mansion, on the night be!ore your run your last

one, o! course, ' nipped out and got my car when everyone was asleep. 't was warm,with a good moonD ' see well in the dar" anyway. ' went up to the top o! that little cli!!!rom the other side, dragging a couple o! tools with me. The e!!ort o! carrying the heavyhammer and big longhandled grabs nearly "illed me, but ' success!ully bent over theedge and loosened the spi"e. ' wrapped cloth around the spi"e so it didn8t mar". 'n !actwhen you grabbed it, it didn8t come out but angled down in the crac". Anyway it madeyou !all and the drop was enough.

' never !elt really bad about it, it8s no good saying ' did. enny wasn8t going to grievetoo much, was she/ ' don8t suppose you ever "newE she8d had enough o! your devotionto wor" and wor"ing out. Angus was pretty well grown up, he )ust said, 8&ell, poor old$ad. His bloody charging about !inally caught up with him then.8

enny didn8t really con!ide in me, by the way, not in the drawingaside andwhispering sense, but ' caught on !rom the odd loo", the odd remar".

' was always more astute than you8d give me credit !or, you bugger.Anyway, ' didn8t !eel bad. 'n !act ' was pleased '8d put one over on you. ' went and

mooched at your !uneral. Than"s !or your letter, by the way, !orwarded by your bloodysolicitor * than"s !or the nothing ' epected. 8'8m sorry ' haven8t !elt able to leave you

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' was sorry about old Auntie, o! course, ' really was, but not nearly as sorry as ' !eltwhen it came to the reading o! her will. 'n a personal letter to me, what she said wasthisE 8'8ve le!t you the twenty thousand ' told you when ' promised, as '8m sure youremember, but really, ames, you8ve been doing so well lately6 And ' didn8t thin" you8dwant people to thin" it was inherited money that "ept you going, because ' was sure youhad a lot o! pride, really, no matter what people said. o ' decided to do what ' wanted todo in the !irst place, and leave the rest there8s -uite a bit6 to the 4PA.8 And she didn8tsay it, but ' bet you had made her wonder i! a big sum o! money would really be 8good!or me.8

o, o! course, ' was "ic"ing mysel! then !or showing o!! so much, "eeping my real li!econcealed * Aunt #ay never even "new '8d lost ?indsey. +! course, the twenty thousandwouldn8t even cover my debts. Anyway, '8d been depressed !or a while by then. '8dalready started drin"ing.

And then, a!ter Auntie died, ' realised '8d missed you, you bugger.es, ' missed you a lot, ' had to !ace it.' mean, you were a support, in spite o! everything, and ' did actually ma"e you a

part o! my li!e. ' was always tal"ing about you, wasn8t '/ Telling people what mymarvellous bloody brother had done.

' wonder i! now '8ve seen things * seen mysel! * so clearly !or the !irst time, it wasworth the wait )ust !or that * worth the wait a!ter all.

o, anyway, ' decided '8d )oin you.' thought the best bet was to go up to the Arrochar Alps again, to that little cli!!, ta"e

the easy way up and the -uic" way down, so that8s what '8m doing, you bugger.

((



The Waiter - by *a&ie "ro.es

ou line up here, si at a time, o"ay/ i at a time at this hatch. Teams o! si, gotthat/ Any more or any less you8ll mess everything up. i. +"ay/ And plate up and ma"eyour way to the anteroom, right, and here you get with another team, cos the hatch canonly plate si at a time but the tables are twelve, right/ The !loor manager chec"s you8rein twelves, so anyone who isn8t gets in shit, o"ay/ &e8re serving three hundred diners inseven minutes. o room !or error. The !loor manager tells you which table. ou all "nowwhich table8s which. ou8ve all learned the !loor plan, yeah/ ou8ve done your rehearsal.Anyone not "now the tables, get lost, o"ay/ %o. ow. '8ll !ind a moron in the street toreplace you. +"ay/ %ood. o when you get the number o!! the !loor manager you !ollow,

single !ile, o"ay/ Two paces behind the man in !ront. +r woman. i one side o! the table,si the other. Per!ect circle. ou8ve all done this be!ore, you8re not stupid, o"ay/ Per!ectcircle. ou don8t loo" at the diners. These are important people. $ignitaries. They8ve gotimportant things to discuss, so no eye contact, no bumped shoulders, anybody spills thesoup they answer to me, o"ay/ 9ollow your leader. Ta"e your cue. obody puts a bowldown be!ore or a!ter your team leader. Ta"e your cue. 9ollow your leader. This is silverservice, ladies and gentlemen. 9inest dining in ?ondon. These are important dignitaries.Anyone !uc"s up, you8re out. +"ay/ ever wor" again.

7 7 7 7

obody learned nothing reading a boo", >dan. %et out there and bring in thosedamn animals, you hear me/ &hat good is an education with our !ood running roundgetting poached/ Am ' right/ oncentrate. Head in the clouds, man. Always, head in theclouds. Honestly #arlen, this boy, head in the clouds. They say agitators blowing downthe telegraph poles/ 't8s this !ool wal"ing along thin"ing himsel! blind * bump6 outhin" too much, you run the ris" o! having a clever idea. Am ' right/ &hatever goodhappened to any !ool round here got a good idea/ Answer me that, >dan. Answer methat. &hy you thin" this country8s in the state it8s in/ Too many damn !ools gettingclever ideas. Am ' right/

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Ta"e the Hit:er PP?<2. +ne point two "ilograms. 9orty three percent o! that is thesityround maga:ine. ou could sling it over your bac", march all day, and barelyremember it8s there. ot that any o! us are doing much marching these days, right,olonel/ ' mean, it8s li"e a toy. eriously, you can pic" up BB guns in Hamleys weighmore than this thing. Hamleys/ Big toyshop. ust round the corner. But you get thepicture. 9our banana clips, double taped, you can ta"e down a whole battalion, not even!eel the recoil. ou "now the secret/ ou want to "now/ %el springs. arbon chassis. ou

don8t need a drilled carbine when you8ve no shatter threshold. A@ !orty who/ This thing)ust doesn8t heat up. $oesn8t )am. &on8t rust. Can&t rust. 't8s cra:y. ay what/ +h no, !or

(!



proper !irepower you8d have to spea" to %dows"i. Hey, %reg. His >cellency wants aword.

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This your !irst time/ ah, thought so. ou done that historian one, right/ Thought '"new you. eah, ' done a !ew nights !or him, but the money8s o"ay, get me/ Through myauntie. he8s mates with him. Bit patronising * li"e, he8ll overeplain, get me. ?i"e, it8ssilver service don8t you "now. How hard can it be/ Put a !uc"in8 plate down, get me/Hey, we got twenty minutes. mo"e/ eah, normally ' bla:e a bit, get me, but they prettytight tonight. 9ull search, get me. &hat8s that about/ aw them sni!!er dogs and shatmysel!, proper. %ood thing ' le!t the buds at home. $ouble twopull o!! a Benson, though,still get a bu::, right/ o"es.

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top loo"ing at me. '8ve seen you, thin" you can hide behind that boo", silly man.'8ve seen you, watching. &hat is it anyway/ A novel/ Aren8t there better ways to !ill yourbrain/ eah, maybe. +"ay, wal" with me i! you li"e. 't8s a !ree country. +"ay, !igure o!speech. ' won8t tell anyone. &hich is the best way/ +! course '8ve seen you round, ' said,didn8t '/ illy man. es, ' come to the plains !or the summer. &or" the harvest. ' liveover that way. ee the green hills/ A !ew days past them. ' go bac" when it rains. ou"now that though. '8ve seen you watching. o/ $on8t so me bac", ' as"ed you a -uestion.o/

7 7 7 7

Hop in, old boy. >dan, right/ Ha, don8t worry how ' "now. ' "now lots o! things. Hopin. &e should have a chat. ' thin" you may !ind we have some common ground old boy.How are you !inding the summer/ ot as nice as home, '8ll wager. +h no, really old boy,ma"e yoursel! com!ortable. our visa situation is the last thing you should be worryingabout. +h no no. are !or a smo"e/ Ah, very sensible. #ind i! ' do/ &e should chat.Bernie, ta"e us around the par", would you/ ice to see the duc"s, don8t you thin" oldboy/

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ou don8t smo"e. eah, !air enough. %ood to get some !resh air though, get me. Hotin there. an8t stand the heat, right/ #y uncle8s a che!. %ot his restaurant up @ingston4oad. But he8s more running it these days, get me, doesn8t do none o! the hard wor".ays to me why don8t ' wor" !or him. ays !ive -uid an hour, cash in hand. 9ive -uid6 9orreal. ' ma"e more than that selling buds. $on8t do that now, though, ' got a baby innit.traight legit, get me. ' may be a Hac"ney !uc"wit but ' ain8t stupid. o now '8m doingthis. ilver service, don8t you "now. till though, nine pound an hour. Ain8t bad. ou got"ids/ How long you been here/ ou still got a proper accent. ot badly, ' mean, but ten

years is time, get me.7 7 7 7

!8



+"ay. &e8ve built up a trust, >dan. That8s what it is. ou and me. '8m no !ool. ' heardo! romance, but don8t worry * shh. ' heard o! romance, but it interests me li"e sil", orsa!!ron. A nice idea, i! you can a!!ord it. hh, '8m sure we will, one day. But listen, >dan.o, stop that. ?isten. #y !ather "nows. #y aunt8s cousin, she came, ' saw her at themar"etD she said. $e knows. ' don8t "now how. ' "now you haven8t told. But we8ve builtup a trust, >dan, you and me. 't was only ever !riends. ' "now. 9riends and more. Butwe8ve bro"en rules * shh, we have. ' "now they8re not our rules, but we live in a society.'t can8t be helped. ?oo". #y !ather will tal" about his !ace. 't8s a big !at !ace though, so hecan stand to lose a bit o! it. Ha ha. But '8m worried. People are tal"ing. +n the radio. o,not about us, silly man. About here, and now, and the agitators. And that bastardolonel. +nly a !ool believes it won8t come to war. 't8s not your war and it8s not mine,but the radio says it8s our people 5 &e should move, >dan. ' "now your mother says *shh. >dan, please. Thin" about it. &e should. hh now. ust "iss me, you silly man.

7 7 7 7

' gather your training has been going very well old boy. kery good. '8m told you8re-uite the waiter. o * ha, good -uestion. o, we have no interest in your ablutions. 4estassured. &e allow a man that much dignity. But no, ha ha. To the matter in hand. +ur labboys * and yes, we8re -uite li"e the !ilms in those matters, lots o! whi:: bang, e)ectorseats, whatnot * no/ ames Bond/ ot see that 5 oh well. Anyhow, our lab boys haveproduced these little things. A lot o! thin"ing along the way, a lot o! silly ideas. Butsometimes the silly ones are the best, don8t you thin"/ o, this sachet. '! ' )ust care!ullytear here 5 ?oo"s )ust li"e salt, right/

7 7 7 7

>dan, get that damn wench up out o! that bed. ' don8t care. &e all been pregnant,>dan, ?ord "nows, we all carried a pup or two. ot all o! us curled up tight under asheet, complaining it8s hot. #ost o! us wor"ed, >dan. There8s animals to tend. rops toweed. Am ' right/ '8m not as"ing her to chop !irewood. he8s not up to moving, there8s acan o! paint and a brush, woodwor" all blistering. >dan, listen, nobody loves you morethan me and ' see you love that wench, but '8m not going to !eed her )ust on account o!you getting drun" and putting your willy in her. o no. ort it out, >dan. 9i it up. Ta"eresponsibility. ,or responsibility. Am ' right/

7 7 7 7

+"ay, !ive minutes to service ladies and gentleman, you8ve all been designated yoursies and "now your twelves, i! anyone !eels unsure about the layout o! the tables youhave !our and a hal! minutes now to consult the diagram behind me. 4emember, andmay ' please reiterate !or the !i!tieth time, that you do not tal" to, you do not conversewith, you do not even loo" at the !aces o! our guests. These are dignitaries. They areguests o! the government. +ur lovely British tapayer has paid a lot o! money so thatthey can mingle over coc"tails and hobnob over dinner. That is not your concern. our

!&



concern is !ollowing your team leader. Two paces behind. Ta"ing your cue. Puttingdown your bowl at the same time as every other person in your team. This is teamwor",guys, o"ay/ eamless. The !inest dining in ?ondon. ' don8t want our guests to evennotice you. These are very important people. ou are nobody. Fntil eleven thirty p.m.this evening, when you will be discharged with a pat on the bac" and maybe even asmile. This is silver service, ladies and gentlemen. Please don8t !uc" it up.

7 7 7 7

Than" you !or waiting. ow. ' would as" you how can ' help you, but ' thin" we both"now why you are here. 't8s interesting that you should come. Brave, perhaps. ourmother says that you are a dreamer, ' hear. But ' thin" you are more resolute. $o you"now what that word means/ %ood. ' would hate to thin" my daughter would choose anilliterate !or company. ow listen. This is the part where ' set my sons to beat you, andour !amilies !all out !or several generations. o no, you have gone about it all wrong.hh, boy. There are traditions. They are there !or a reason. 'mpractical and outmoded,yes. But still, nobody li"es to lose !ace. ' accept your apology, but nonetheless, ' still lose!ace, and a man li"es to "eep his !ace, doesn8t he, even i! it is a !at one/ $oes she/ ou"now 5 !or the !irst time 5 you "now * oh, ha ha ha 5 oh, that8s good, >dan * may ' callyou/ * >dan, at least you8ve come to me. 't8s a long )ourney. These are dangerous timesin our land. ' !ear !or my daughters, sending them away each year. As a !ather, as a man,' appreciate that you8ve made the e!!ort. How old are you/ ou loo" older. ou "now,'8ve only nineteen more years than you. &ill you have some !igs/ &ine * do you drin"/ 'worry about her down in the plains. &on8t you thin" about moving this side o! the hills/

7 7 7 7

&ell it all depends how much you want to spend. ' mean, how long is a piece o!string/ ou can pic" up a Huey, good wor"ing order, patchy service history, winch and atwenty eight mil cannon with change !or hal! a mill. i"ors"y =, get it battle readywith a !ew snea"y air to airs and all your sat and sonar, !ive million F, give or ta"e. ouwant the legit shit, though/ &e can get you the proper whodiddley. The sendyourpilots!orsimonths8trainingbe!orethey"nowwhichbit8stheonswitch. The "nowyourenemy8sonhiswaybe!orehe8seven!inishedhisbrea"!ast. The hellraiser,hell!ire helis * da kinci didn8t !oresee !our hundred years ago !our hundred rounds aminute o! tan"piercing depleted uranium cluster!uc". ' mean, how deep are yourpoc"ets, our >cellency/ +! course, not your poc"ets. But, how deep/

7 7 7 7

ow loo", you8ve got the salt sachets. $on8t worry old boy, you won8t be searched.And i! anyone as"s, it8s !rom your day )ob. hic"en hed. $ouble shi!ts. 9amily bac"home, &estern Fnion, blah. obody8s going to chec", but i! they do it loo"s !airlyconvincing, smells the )ob. alt. odium chloride, plus 5 &ell, best you don8t now. usthope they don8t taste it, eh/ But seriously, nobody8s going to chec" in your poc"et, but i!they do, say it8s nothing. huc" it in the bin. Abort. $o your )ob. %o home. ou )ust have

!2



to be discreet old boy. 4ip, sprin"le. 4ip van prin"le. Ha ha. imple, right/ ust don8t getseen. $on8t do anything stupid. +"ay/ ow loo". ow8s the time. '8m going !or a !ag.%asping. The doors are open. ?eave the sachets on the table and !uc" o!! i! you li"e. +neway or the other, we won8t be here in an hour. >verything8s traceable in this world,>dan. >verything. >cept us. ou do the )ob, !ollow the plan, step outside !or a smo"eonce the soup8s served, Bernie8ll pic" you up. ame car as be!ore. And don8t !orgetE whenyou open the sachet, really, don8t get any on your s"in. 4eally. 't8ll wash o!!, but notbe!ore it8s done the )ob. Aggressive toin. 4apid absorption. low acting. Twentyminutes. But it does the )ob. $on8t as" how we "now. ou don8t want to "now, you"now/

7 7 7 7

+"ay teams, our guests are seated. &e8re go.

7 7 7 7

>dan6 #arlen8s boy/ ome with me. +h ?ord, it8s terrible. o, stay o!! the road.Please, come with me. ou are #arlen8s son, right/ &e must stay o!! the road. ome tomy shelter. ' thin" it8s sa!e. &hy are you here/ &hy are you not at home/ 't is a blessing* and a curse. $o you not listen to the radio, >dan/ +h ?ord have mercy. >dan, the war iscome. The bastard olonel. o, stay6 Please, it is not sa!e. tay6 ou will die. >veryone onthe plains is dead. '8m sorry, my child. o sorry. The war is come. 9rom the s"y.#achines o! thunder. A coward8s war. &here are the soldiers/ %reen gas that burns thelungs, >dan6 o, >dan6 top, please6 >dan6 +h ?ord have mercy, stop6

7 7 7 7

&e8re thin"ing a totally di!!erent league here. The #ephis two was purely andsimply a reconnaissance drone, until some smart guy attached a couple o! high!re-uency servos and a !our pound payload. koila. @ami"a:e. ayonara. >actly. Butthat8s going bac" !orty years. These things were old hat in the first %ul! &ar. Troublewith that was * no no, the epense/ Ha. o no, please. eriously. Two hundred buc"s ona model airplane/ Please. The trouble was i! it didn8t go o!! we had a dud, traceable,reverse engineerable. ow though/ Thin" o! a #'%2=. ineteen !i!ty eight. ovietmilitary engineering at its !inest. Ha6 Airsur!ace missiles, decoy !lares, thirty two milcanon. And so yeah, this is primitive. The only di!!erence between the #'%2= and thisbaby is the twenty !ive hundred "ilometres between the pilot and the war:one. Thisbaby, you can have your !eet up, sippin8 a co"e. hit, one o! the colonels, his thirteenyearold nephew !lew one o! these across the red :one. Fnarmed, o! course. ee:. &ehave some sense o! responsibility. Ha6

7 7 7 7

Table three please, team leader. ou "now what to do. %ood service, please. ou.top a sec. es you. ou lot "eep going, he8ll catch up. our tie8s not straight. '8ll hold that

!3



while you straighten it. ?e!t a bit. That8s right. %ood lad. ow ' hear the olonel li"es hissoup salty. are!ul with that. $idn8t they give you gloves/ esus, never mind. Hurry alongnow.

7 7 7 7

'8m hearing you, my !riend. 4eally ' am, ' hear what all your !ine colleagues tell me,and really it is o! interest to me. 4eally is. But we need to consider credit terms. 't is onething !or the 'A to be continually obsessed with their socalled &ar on Terror, but thenthey epect us to control this problem ourselves/ apitol Hill made this very clear. Butmy !riend, what are they, i! not terrorists/ $emocrats/ Please. How does destroying abridge bring !airness/ +h, than" the ?ord, '8m starved. &hat is this/ Boy, come bac"here. es, you boy. &hat are you trying to do, "ill me/ &e wait twenty minutes and thissoup is cold6

7 7 7 7

Ha ha, )o"es man. How d8you get to be a world leader and not even "now ga:pacho8sserved cold/ >ven ' "now that and '8m a Hac"ney !uc"wit6 o"es. o now we )ust "ic" it!or hal! an hour till mains, yeah/ mo"e/ Thought you didn8t/ Ha, why not/ ' really beststop, you "now. 4esponsibilities, innit/ '8m a dad now, get me. ou got "ids/ Thoughtyou said no be!ore. ou had "ids/ +h. orry. Are you alright/ #ate, you loo" rough. Hangon * hear that/ hit bruv, they8re shouting !or a medic bac" there. Ha ha, some old !art8shaving a heart attac" or something. +h my days, you see it all on this )ob. #ate/ oualright/ >dan/ Bruv/ ou8re sweating, man. ou alright, bruv/ +h, shit. #edic6

!4



7 7 7 7

!



WORTH THE WAIT

The winners of the Bloody Scotland Glengoyne Whisky

Short Story Competition 2012

7

Worth The Wait is published !or Bloody cotland by Blasted Heath, a cottish digitalpublisher o! superb crime !iction.

Blasted Heath authors includeE

4ay Ban"sigel Bird

Tony Blac"%erard Brennan%ary arsonH Hampson$ouglas ?indsayBrian Pendreigh$amien eamanAnthony eil mith?en &anner

9or details, visit BlastedHeath.com

http://blastedheath.com/?page_id=1287
























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