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Welcome to the BetterEssays.com College Admissions Essay Writing Guide. We have broughttogether our extensive essay writing and editingexperience to provide you with thisexcellent resource. The essay is a crucial part of the increasingly competitive collegeapplication process. This unique guide contains techniques and advice you won't findanywhere else.

1. Getting Started2. Attack the Question 3. Picking the Topic

4. Essay StructureA. The Introduction B. The Body C. The Conclusion

5. Revising your Essay

6. Quick Essay Tips

Getting Started

The college essay is a critical part of the college application. Every year, colleges receive

numerous applications from students with similar or identical grades, test scores, andextracurricular accomplishments. As a result, the essay has become the determiningadmissions factor in many cases. Whether or not your essay is outstanding can determinewhether or not you are admitted. Your essay must shine.

The purpose of the college essay is to provide the college admissions officers with a glimpseat the person behind the numbers and the awards. Your essay must be honest and truthful;the last thing an admission officer wants to read is a phony, contrived essay. It is alsoimportant to remember that your essay is just one in a towering pile of thousands of others.Unless your essay is interesting and engaging, you will lose an edge over the otherapplicants. With these guiding principles in mind, let's discuss the role of your essay in moredetail.

Because of the college essay's length (usually just a few hundred words) and its goal (todemonstrate that you are a special and interesting person), the best essays oftenincorporate some form of a brief, detailed personal narrative. In other words, your essayshould tell a short story that reveals something about you. Because the essay is so short, itis typically a good idea to describe one or two events in detail rather than trying to tacklebig issues or long chains of events.

Here are some general guidelines:

1. Good writers know how to "Show, Not Tell" (S-N-T). Vivid verbs and imagery will makeyour essay shine. Use details and dialogue to describe events and leave the reader to drawhis own conclusions; do not tell the reader what to think. For example, you should write an

interesting, detail-rich description that tells the story of your experience writing andperforming a song for the guitar rather than simply writing, "I have developed a keeninterest in composing and playing music." That conclusion will be implied in your description.If you find you are unable to S-N-T, then consider writing your essay from a third-personpoint-of-view. This technique often brings a new perspective into your essay.2. Your essay should be personal. This just means that the primary purpose of the essay isto let colleges see your true personality; it doesn't mean that you have to write about all theintimate details of your private life.3. Write about something you are passionate about. If you don't care about your essay, no
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one else will either.4. Your essay should tell a story.5. Have a point. Your essay needs to have a main idea, or thesis. The main idea of youressay should be something unique and interesting about your personality that you want thecollege to know. You do not need to state your main idea outright in the form of a thesisstatement; remember the rule of S-N-T.

6. Rewrite. You won't get it perfect on the first try.7. Double-check your spelling, grammar, and sentence mechanics.8. Have someone else review your essay. People who have personal relationships with you(for example, your parents and close friends) may not be able or willing to give youimpartial criticism, so make sure to have your essay reviewed by a professional anddisinterested critic, such as your English teacher or an editor at BetterEssays.com

Attack the Question

The real question behind all college essay questions is: Can you show us somethinginteresting and unique about you as a person? However, if the colleges asked that exactquestion, a lot of people would be stumped. So instead, the questions they come up with are

designed to aid you in answering the real question. All essay questions fall into a fewdifferent categories. If you are applying to a school that uses the Common Application, hereare the essay questions you have to choose from:

1. Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemmayou have faced and its impact on you.2. Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and itsimportance to you.3. Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.4. Describe a character in fiction, an historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music,science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.5. Topic of your choice.

You'll notice that the expression "on you" or "to you" appears in every question (except #5).That makes sense because the purpose of the essay is to reveal some of your personality tothe application readers. Most of the major essay question types are represented on theCommon Application. While one college may ask a more specific version of #2 by referringto a specific issue, or another college may make #5 more creative by asking you to submitpart of your autobiography or by supplying you with the essay's first sentence and askingyou to complete it, your essay question(s) will generally resemble one of these five.

A key exception is the multiple short-answer essay approach. Some colleges require you tocomplete several brief statements rather than one long one. This approach can be beneficialbecause it takes the stress off each individual answer, giving you more of an opportunity

both to take risks and to be conservative on your application. You should emphasizedifferent unique aspects of your personality in each short answer response. This rule is noless true in the case of colleges that require two or three long essays; use each essay as achance to show the college different unique aspects of your personality. If you write threeessays all describing how much you love painting, you will lead the college to believe thatthere is nothing else interesting or unique about you.

Read each essay question a few times, and then begin to think of topics for each answer.
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Picking the Topic

This topic map exercise is designed to help you come up with a topic:

Get a piece of paper and draw a circle in the center. Write your name in the circle. Next,

draw six more circles in the space outside of your circle. Make one circle represent each ofthe following: what you value most, the most significant events in your life, your favorites,your achievements, the people (fictional and real) that have had the most influence on you,and your major goals. List the five most important items that fit under each category. Yourfavorites should include a book, a movie, a person, a place, and a thing. In addition to yourachievements, list two significant failures. Beneath this topic map, make a list of the fivepersonality traits that define you.

Now, get another sheet of paper and start a list of topics. Go through each word or phraseyou have written down on the topic map and ask, "Why is this important to me?" Theanswer to that question can be a good main idea for your essay. But before you decide youressay will be about, be sure that you can answer "YES" to the following three questions:

1. Am I the only person that could write an essay on this topic?2. Is this topic something I feel passionate about?3. Will this essay be interesting to read and will I be able to write it well?

Here are some topics to avoid:

1. General, non-personal essays on international, political, social, or academic topics. Thesemake for boring, irrelevant essays.2. Your beliefs about controversial issues, such as abortion, affirmative action, the Middle


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East, etc. By writing about this sort of topic, you risk antagonizing whoever reads youressay.3. Information that is provided somewhere else on your application.4. Anything that casts you in a bad light. This is not the place to disclose your battle withheroin or how you've learned to manage your overwhelming anger. However, admissionsofficers do get tired of reading about perfect angels; describing a minor mistake or character

flaw is fine.5. Why you want to go to that college (unless this is the required essay).6. The college application process.7. A sports event that you participated in.8. Summer camp (unless you had a unique and interesting experience).9. Your trip abroad (also unless you had a unique and interesting experience).10. How you learned to love yourself

Essay Structure

The college essay, unlike the persuasive essays that you've probably been taught to write inschool, can be structured in a number of ways. The college essay is not generally the place

for the standard five-paragraph essay, three-paragraph essay, or signposting (a techniquealso known as "Tell 'em what you're gonna tell 'em, Tell 'em, Tell 'em what you told 'em").These essay formats are useful for straightforward exam essays and for brief persuasivearguments. They will not work well to reveal you and your personality to college admissionsofficers. However, this does not mean that college essays do not need structure.

Most essays can be roughly broken down into three parts:

A. The IntroductionB. The BodyC. The Conclusion

The Introduction

Your introduction must grab the reader's attention. If it isn't interesting, then the readerprobably will not pay any attention to the rest of your essay. If you can't think of a goodintroduction, consider waiting to write the intro until after you're done with the rest of theessay. In some cases, it's best to just jump right into the narrative without tacking on abelabored introductory sentence.

You should avoid an introduction that is too general ("From the dawn of history until thepresent day, mankind has produced music") or awkwardly rephrases the question ("If Iwere to describe a person who is important to me, I would pick").

In an academic essay, the introduction is usually an entire paragraph, but in a short collegeessay, the introduction will only be a sentence or two. Below are some examples ofintroductions:

The Basic Intro

"Among all the fictional characters that have influenced me, the one that has had thegreatest effect on my life is Batman."
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The basic intro simply introduces essay in a logical way. This intro is often based on thequestion. The basic intro sets a straightforward tone, so the essay that follows this type ofintro is often short, sweet, and to the point.

The Narrative Intro

"As I raced down the street that hot August day, I saw it rising in the distance."

The narrative intro grabs the reader and pulls him right into your story. It can begin tellingthe story at the beginning, middle, or end. This technique for introducing a story, called inmedias res, has made for compelling reading since ancient times, and it is sure to generateinterest. Variations of the narrative intro include starting with part of a conversation or witha thought.

The Quote Intro

"Andrew Jackson once said, 'You are uneasy; you never sailed with me before, I see.' Irepeated that same quotation to my best friend just before the motorboat I was pilotingbegan to sink."

The quote intro begins with a quotation. Don't pick a quotation that is long, boring,irrelevant, or too serious. Also, do not focus on or analyze the quotation itself; it should onlybe used as a springboard into an essay about you. Do not pick an overly famous quotation(this rules out much of the Bible and Shakespeare). Do not use the quotation to try to soundsmart.

The "I" Intro

"I have always loved circus sideshows."

The "I" intro tells the reader something about the author. It doesn't always have to beginwith the word "I," but it often does. Apply this intro with caution because, by simply tellingthe reader something, it usually violates the rule of Show, Not Tell. The "I" intro can alsosometimes sound clich or trite. Make sure this intro really works with your essay if youconsider using it.

The Risky Intro

"It was around ten o'clock and I was sitting handcuffed in the back of the squad car."

The risky intro reveals something shocking or surprising about the applicant right from thestart. This intro is guaranteed to keep the reader reading. Any other type of introduction canbe made risky if it says something startling or jarring. Admissions officers get tired ofreading about what perfect little angels the applicants are because they know that isn't thetruth. Revealing a flaw or imperfection can be endearing. However, the next sentence in thisessay had better not be, "It was the second time I had gotten busted for dealing crack in asmany months." From a literary standpoint, this intro orients the reader for the rest of the


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story by providing the details of the setting and time. You want to come across as humbleand candid, not delinquent.

The Body

A good college essay can be structured in a number of ways. As we have mentioned,academic essay formats such as the five-paragraph essay are not generally well suited tocollege essays, unless you are specifically asked to present a logical, persuasive argument.No matter what essay format you choose, your essay should be personal (reveal a bit ofyourself and your passions) and it should tell a story. All essays should have a main idea,but the main idea does not need to be spelled out in the essay --it should be illustrated(show it, don't tell it).

Here are some structures that work well with college essays:

Standard EssayNarrative

Chronological NarrativeDescriptive Narrative

There are certainly other structures that will produce a quality essay. No matter whatstructure is used, the body of the essay must present a consistent, logical flow of ideas.

Standard Essay

This structure is very simple, and it is not much different from academic writing. You beginby stating the main idea of your essay, then you describe some evidence --typically 3points-- that backs up this idea, and then you bring everything back together with aconclusion. The conclusion must do more than just restate what has already been written. Ifyou are having trouble writing, consider writing in this format because it is usually theeasiest to work with. Even with this approach, remember that stories make for the mostinteresting reading. Consider making each of your evidence points a short story thatillustrates your main idea. Or, you can begin your essay with a brief narrative.

Certain essay questions sometimes call for the standard comparison essay, a variant of thestandard essay. In this essay, you will compare two things. As in the standard essay, youstate your thesis, provide evidence for that thesis, and then draw conclusions. However, inthe comparison essay, you discuss what two things have and don't have in common. Thistechnique is useful, for instance, if you are asked to compare yourself to a literary orhistorical figure.

Narrative

A narrative is a story. No matter what the topic of your essay is, incorporating a story intothe essay in some way is guaranteed to hold your reader's interest. A narrative can coverany length of time and describe any incident. The narrative can be incorporated into a moretraditional essay format, or it can stand on its own as the entire essay. A narrative can alsobe a precise, detailed description of a single person, place, thing, situation, or event. Your
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narrative should have a main idea, or theme. The theme of your essay should be somethingabout your personality that you want to reveal to the college.

Here are some tips about writing narratives:1. You should Show, Not Tell. Use vivid verbs and imagery.2. Use details.

3. Keep the story flowing.

Chronological Narrative

This structure works well for describing a single event. You tell the detailed story of whathappened, one thing after another, in chronological order. At the beginning of the essay youshould orient the reader by describing the setting (the time and place where the storybegins). Then you proceed through the story describing each new occurrence in detail. Donot include details for the sake of detail, however. Details should be relevant to the mainpoint of your essay. Remember, this story should illustrate something about you as aperson. You should Show, Not Tell. Using detail does not mean overusing adjectives andadverbs-using detail means describing things precisely. The best use of detail is achieved

through imagery (descriptions of things you can see, hear, taste, smell, and touch) andthrough vivid verbs (verbs that refer to a specific action-use 'sprinted' instead of 'ran veryquickly.') Chronological narrative essays should not cover too much time; do not try torecount your entire life's story in five hundred words.

Descriptive Narrative

This structure can be used to tell the story of a single object, situation, setting, or person ingreat detail. Rather than telling a story that proceeds through time (as the chronologicalnarrative does), this type of narrative tells a story that proceeds through space. Anexemplary descriptive narrative might reveal a person's personality through a detaileddescription of a work of art that he or she has made.

The Conclusion

Your conclusion should fit naturally with the essay that precedes it. Because of the shortlength of college essays, you may not need a full paragraph for a conclusion. As withintroductions, often a sentence or two will be enough. Many people are under the falseimpression that the conclusion should either (A) summarize what has already been said inyour essay, or (B) explain the meaning of your essay. Both of these approaches lead to poorconclusions. Consider this horrible piece of advice from the College Board:

"The conclusion can be a few sentences to nail down the meaning of the events andincidents you've described."

DO NOT follow that advice. If you need a few sentences to "nail down the meaning" of whatyou've described or if you need to repeat what you've already written, then there is aproblem with the body of your essay. Also, you do not need to (and should not) introduceyour conclusion with the phrase "in conclusion," or anything along those lines. Here aresome other things not to do:1. Don't contradict the main idea of your essay.2. Don't introduce new information.3. Don't use clichs (anywhere in your essay).


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4. Don't make it too long.5. Don't summarize your essay.

A good conclusion will flow naturally from the rest of the essay. It should provide a sense ofcompletion, a signal that the essay is now over. Although it should not be a restatement ofanything previously said, the conclusion should emphasize the main idea of the essay. Your

conclusion can be a place to broaden the theme you have explored in the essay. Goodconclusions leave the reader with a thought or idea to ponder after completing the essay,and they might also connect back to the introduction in some way to give the essay a senseof wholeness and completion.

Here are some tips that can make your conclusion shine:

1. Emphasize your main idea, but not by restating a previous remark.2. Connect back to the introduction.3. Broaden the theme addressed in your essay.4. Use the same tone that you have used throughout your essay.5. Leave the reader with something to think about.

Now that you've finished your essay, you should revisit your introduction. If you haven'twritten one, now is the time to do it. If you do have one, ask yourself if it is all you want itto be. Does it flow with the rest of the essay? Does it grab the reader's attention?

Revising Your Essay

Before you revise your essay, take a break for a day or two and go outside or watch TV. It isimpossible to do a good job editing a piece that you have just finished writing.

First, go through your essay and remove all clichs and change the passive voice to theactive voice wherever possible. Replace any "thesaurus words" (words that you wouldn'tnormally use in writing). Slang and informal expressions should also be eliminated (except indialogue). Proofread for errors in spelling, punctuation, grammar, and sentence mechanics.

Next, read the essay to yourself to determine the following:1. Does the essay answer the question (if there is one)?2. Does the essay Show, Not Tell?3. Does the essay use vivid verbs and imagery?4. Does the essay tell a story?5. Is this essay unique and personal?6. Is this essay interesting?7. Does it grab the reader's attention from the start?8. Does it reveal a personal passion?

9. Does the essay make sense?10. Does the essay have a main idea and does it illustrate that idea without stating itoutright?11. Does the essay proceed in a logical order, with each idea leading naturally to the next?12. What would the admissions officer remember after reading this essay?13. Do the introduction and the conclusion fit naturally into the essay?14. Are the sentences varied in length?15. Are there any errors in spelling, punctuation, grammar, or sentence mechanics?


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If you answered "NO" to any of the 15 questions, then fix the problem(s). Maybe there issomething that just doesn't seem right. It is perfectly normal to significantly rewrite wholesentences and paragraphs several times during the process of revision.

Next, read your essay aloud to yourself. How does it sound? You will probably notice somephrases that sound awkward or grammatically incorrect. Fix these phrases. Proofread again.

Have someone else (preferably your English teacher) read your essay and makesuggestions. Take these suggestions to heart and revise your essay again. Proofread again

Quick Essay Tips

People are often confused about the college essay and make common mistakes or follow badadvice. Here's what not to do:

1. Do not follow an essay writing formula you were taught in school. The collegeessay is not the place for the five-paragraph essay, the three-paragraph essay, or the

signposting (a technique known as "Tell 'em what you're gonna tell 'em, Tell 'em, Tell 'emwhat you told 'em"). These essay formats are useful for simplistic exam essays and for brief,persuasive arguments. They will not work well to reveal you and your personal passions tothe college of your choice. It's better to stick with a detailed, personal narrative. You should,of course, use general writing rules that you were taught in school. Your essay should havea main idea and progress in a logical way.2. Do not explain your essay. Good writing stands on its own. Leave the reader to drawconclusions about your essay.3. Do not use clichs. Clichs are trite, stale expressions like "hard as a rock," "tough asnails," and "big as a house." Clichs make your essay boring and make you look unoriginal.4. Be careful with your parents' advice. Your parents may not know what makes a goodcollege essay. The college application process today is quite different than it was ageneration ago. Show your parents your essay once you have finished writing it, but be

careful about soliciting their help during the writing process. Your parents love you most andwant the best for you, but they may impose their voice on your work or turn your essay intoa self-congratulatory list of all your accomplishments.5. Do not use a thesaurus, smart friend, or parent to put big words into your essay.Rather than making you seem intelligent, these "thesaurus words" will often seem out ofplace and distracting. Write naturally.6. Do not use slang, informal, or vulgar expressions. The writing in your essay shouldbe respectful and sophisticated. Slang and informal expressions are not acceptable unlessyou are using dialogue or another consciously executed literary technique.7. Do not overuse the passive voice. The passive voice --verb phrases that combine aform of the verb "to be" with the past participle of another verb-- is often boring and wordy.8. Do not repeat the same word too many times. It is monotonous to read a paragraph

where every sentence starts with the word "I." It is acceptable to repeat words, but if youfind yourself using the same words over and over again, then something is wrong.9. Do not use gimmicks. Thinking of sending those clothes pins you decorated in secondgrade as part of your essay? Think again. Gimmicks will not help you get in. Some schoolsallow you to provide a personal statement in a form other than a written essay (such as adrawing). Only attempt this route if you are particularly talented in the relevant discipline.10. Do not write a resum. You will list your achievements elsewhere on your application.The essay is the place to reveal a bit of your personality.


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And now, here are some tips to make your essay shine:

1. Show, Not Tell should be the guiding principle behind your essay. Use imagery--that is, detailed descriptions of things that you can see, hear, taste, touch, or smell. Vivid,detailed description will keep your reader hooked, whereas dryly stating facts andconclusions will bore your reader. However, do not include irrelevant details for their own

sake.2. Tell a story. People read to be entertained, engaged, and intrigued. The best collegeessays are written in the form of stories (narratives).3. Write about something you are passionate about. Writing about a personal passionis a guaranteed way to make your personality show in the essay. Also, it is easiest to writeabout the things you like best.4. Proofread. If your essay is riddled with errors in spelling, grammar, and sentencemechanics, the college will think that you just don't care about your application5. Vary the structure of your sentences. Too many short sentences make an essay seemchoppy, and too many long sentences make an essay confusing and convoluted. Mix upshort, medium, and long sentences to achieve a nice rhythm.6. Use vivid verbs in the active voice. Vivid verbs describe an action precisely,eliminating the need for weak adjectives and adverbs. For example, use the vivid verb"sprinted" instead of the weak verb-adverb-adverb combination "ran very quickly."7. Have a point. The goal of your essay should be to convey something very specific aboutyour personality and your passions, something you want the college to know about you. Donot simply list events or accomplishments.8. Stick to the word limit. A longer essay is not necessarily a better essay. Obey theprescribed word limit. Do not be too brief, however; if the college gives you five hundredwords to work with, three short sentences is not going to cut it.9. Be positive. Colleges are looking for bright, productive people, not negative, cynical you-know-whats.10. Less is more. Make your essay clear and easy to understand by writing simply.Conversely, do not make your essay unnecessarily long by using wordy expressions.Straightforward writing is understandable writing.

Have your essay professionally edited at BetterEssays.com.Don't take any chances with your college essay and your future. Having your essayprofessionally edited can drastically improve your chances of admission. We will edit youressay and provide you with a written summary of the changes we made and the reasonswhy we made them. However, your essay will still be yours; our editors strive to preservethe ideas and the vision behind your work.

You have completed the BetterEssays Essay Writing Guide.

Thanks for using BetterEssays.com, and best of luck with your college applications.

-The BetterEssays Staff

2002 BetterEssays.com, College Entrance, Inc. All Rights Reserved.This document may be reproduced and freely distributed without modification.Any and all modification, revision, shortening, or otherwise alteration of this document is strictly prohibited.
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Free Sample College Essays and Samples of Our Work

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2. Sample Edit - College Essay #2- Average Original3. Sample Edit - College Essay #3 - Below Average Original4. Sample Edit - Law School Essay5. Sample Edit - Graduate School Essay

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Sample Essay - Accepted at Harvard.

Sample Essay - Accepted at Yale.

Sample Short Answer Questions - Accepted at Stanford.

Sample Essay - Accepted at Stanford.

Sample Essay - Accepted at the University of Chicago.

Sample Essay - Accepted at Brown.

Sample Essay - Accepted at the University of Pennsylvania.

Sample Short Essay - Accepted at Duke.

Sample Essay - Accepted at Northwestern.

Sample Essay - Accepted at Amherst.

Question:

There are limitations to what grades, scores, and recommendations can tell us about anyapplicant. We ask you to write a personal essay that will help us to know you better. In the past,

candidates have written about their families, intellectual and extracurricular interests, ethnicity

or culture, school and community events to which they have had strong reactions, people whohave influenced them, significant experiences, personal aspirations, or topics that spring entirely

from their imaginations. You should feel confident that in writing about what matters to you, you
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are bound to convey a strong sense of who you are. (As with the first essay, observe the 500-

word limit.)

Go back to top.

Original essay:

Mr. McDonnell's voice was so powerful that all the windows in the hall would rattle when he

boomed an everyday "HELLO!" at you. He spoke with such authority that even the seniors on the

football team who knew him only by sight were frightened of him. He had the air of a militarydrill sergeant--only scarier. When I entered Mr. McDonnell's English class as an insecure, easily

intimidated freshmen, I honestly thought that he would kill English for me.

But appearance is never reality, and innocence is almost always overcome by experience. Mr.

McDonnell turned out be one of the most remarkable people I have ever met. His impact on mewill never fade--and not only because he scared the wits out of me that first day in class.

Mr. McDonnell loved teaching, and his enthusiasm for his subject was contagious. He certainly

made the Energizer Bunny look like he needed a good dose of Geritol! Reaching beyond the

boundaries of the curiculum, Mr. McDonnell taught me to appreciate Shakespeare by using songto teach the meaning of love inA Midsummer Night's Dream. We not only engaged in discussion

about the Greek or Chinese myths that we were currently studying but also debated current affairs

and scientific mysteries. He made English something that I would love for the rest of my highschool career and a body of knowledge that I would like to impart to others in a future teaching

career.

Mr. McDonnell was truly a role model on whom I could depend. He gave his time freely and

willingly to help others, and he gave advice and guidance to those who were willing to listen. Ihave him to especially thank for encouraging my forays into the world of published writing. I do

not know if I would have the confidence I do now about my written expression had it not been for

his support. He never entirely lost his military manner; whenever we did less then our best on anassignment, he would threaten us with the indignity of having to repeat his course, growling his

trademark phrase, "Two semesters!" When we did something especially well, however, he would

get a special twinkle in his eyes. It was a twinkle that we all strove to earn.

Only recently have I been able to recognize that this twinkle was the secret to Mr. McDonnell'sremarkable personality. He worked hard to earn our interest, and we therefore worked hard to

earn his approval. Hidden within his intimidating exterior was a man of genuinely good

character, and one that could encourage the good character of others to emerge. He taught me thatvirtue is not found in only a select few individuals; the elements of good character and the ability

to influence others lives in us all.

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Edited essay:
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The windows rattled when Mr. McDonnell boomed "Hello!" every morning to the students in the

hallways. With the demeanor of a drill sergeant, he even frightened the senior football playerswho knew him only by sight. On my first day in Mr. McDonnell's English class, I honestly

thought that he would kill English for me.

But I soon came to realize that my first impressions of Mr. McDonnell had little to do with thekind of teacher he actually was. He turned out to be one of the most remarkable people I haveever met, and he has had a lasting impact on me - and not only because he scared the wits out of

me that first day in class.

Mr. McDonnell loved teaching, and his enthusiasm for his subject was contagious. Reaching

beyond the boundaries of the curriculum, Mr. McDonnell taught me to appreciate Shakespeare byusing song to illustrate the meaning of love inA Midsummer Night's Dream. We not only

engaged in discussion about the Greek or Chinese myths that we were currently studying, but

also debated current affairs and scientific mysteries. He helped create in me a love for Englishthat I will carry through life; thanks to him, I plan on becoming an English teacher.

Mr. McDonnell was truly a role model on whom I could depend. He gave his time freely to help

others, and he gave advice and guidance to those who were willing to listen. I am especially

grateful to him for encouraging my forays into the world of published writing. I might not havethe confidence I now do about my writing skills were it not for his support. He never entirely lost

his military manner; whenever we did less than our best on an assignment, he threatened us with

having to repeat his course by growling his trademark phrase, "Two semesters!" When we did

something especially well, however, he would get a special twinkle in his eyes. It was a twinklethat we all strove to earn.

Only recently have I been able to recognize that this twinkle was the secret to Mr. McDonnell's

remarkable personality. He worked hard to earn our interest, so we worked hard to earn hisapproval. Hidden within his intimidating exterior was a man of genuinely good character who

had a keen ability to bring out the good character in others. He taught me that virtue is not found

only in a select few individuals; the elements of good character and the ability to influence others

live in us all.

Go back to top.

Editing Report:

Stephen, you have given a vivid portrayal of a high school teacher who obviously has had a

lasting influence on you. You have a firm command of prose writing, which gives the narrativetone a mature and relaxed affect. This essay demonstrates your intelligence and superior writing

ability.

Nevertheless, there are many ways to improve it. First of all, I am concerned that your essay is

too much about Mr. McDonnell and not enough about you. The essay prompt indicates that youshould compose a piece that helps the reader to "know you better," but you only give a few hints

about how you were shaped by your experience with Mr. McDonnell. You mention that you were
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only "an insecure, easily intimidated freshmen [sic]" when you entered his class, but you never

explain whether this changed. Once you got to know him better, you learned to love English, youwere charmed by him and regarded him as a role model, and you learned (for reasons not

altogether apparent) that everyone is virtuous. As you can see, it is hard to understand the

character transformation you underwent. Unless I am mistaken, you want to say that Mr.

McDonnell uses his toughness to set high expectations for his students. At first, theseexpectations had the effect of intimidating you, but over time you lived up to them. In the

process, you learned a lot about academic subjects, and now, perhaps, you have more confidence

in addressing such tough behavior from authority figures. That might not be exactly how yourtransformation happened; you are the only person who truly knows. You should tweak your essay

so that it explains your transformation along those lines, however. Try to communicate more

clearly how Mr. McDonnell affected you.

You could also improve your characterization of Mr. McDonnell. In the introduction, you say hehas the air of a military drill sergeant, but the only detail supporting this claim is that he shouts

hello. Try to include more details that explain why he seems to embody rigid authority.

Your second paragraph begins with two unqualified generalizations which you probably do notbelieve in, and even if you do they are not worth putting here. Whose innocence was overcome

by experience? You have established that you are a weak and puny freshman, but not that you are

innocent. You are better off simply sticking to the story.

In the third paragraph, the sentence, "He certainly made the Energizer Bunny look like he neededa good dose of Geritol!" seems out of place. More importantly, however, you have not described

what happened in Mr. McDonnell's classroom in enough detail so that a reader can understand

why he was such a special teacher. You are on the right track when you say, "Mr. McDonnelltaught me to appreciate Shakespeare by using song to teach the meaning of love inA Midsummer

Night's Dream." The only problem is that it's not clear what it means to teach you using song. Did

he sing a lecture to you? Make this clear; it sounds like an interesting anecdote. You take another

stab at explaining how special he was when you say, "We not only engaged in discussion aboutthe Greek or Chinese myths that we were currently studying but also debated current affairs and

scientific mysteries." But surely your teacher could have done this in a boring way. What was it

about his teaching style that made these discussions exciting?

The next paragraph seems like a place where you put all the rest of your ideas regardless of how

they fit together. You write about Mr. McDonnell being your role model, encouraging you towrite, and making you earn the twinkle in his eye. Narrow the focus of this paragraph so that

everything in it works toward explaining just one idea. In other words, all the details in this

paragraph need to be tied together.

The fifth paragraph is a good try at a conclusion because it broadens the perspective you have inthe rest of the essay. However, some of the claims you make seem unwarranted. "He taught me

that virtue is not found in only a select few individuals; the elements of good character and the

ability to influence others lives in us all," you write - but nothing you wrote before supports thisstatement. The whole essay is about how you had to try hard to live up to the high standards Mr.

McDonnell set, and once you succeeded the rewards are tremendous. Nothing about that implies

that everyone has good character. Also, you claim, "Hidden within his intimidating exterior was a

man of genuinely good character." This opposition between intimidating exterior and honorable


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interior does not make good sense, because you have not shown that Mr. McDonnell's

intimidating exterior has anything to do with his being a bad person. You have not yet ruled outthe possibility that Mr. McDonnell seems both intimidating and unyieldingly religious, for

example. But this is just a minor point.

As I said before, you are obviously very intelligent and a very good writer, so I am sure that youwill be able to make this already outstanding essay even better. Thank you for trusting your essayto BetterEssays and good luck with the college application process.

Sincerely,

Jeff Kessler

Editor, BetterEssays.com

Question:

Please write at least 150 words about yourself.

Go back to top.

Original essay:

During my early life as a kid and growing up to who I am today, I learned that you dont just

need to be smart to succeed, succeeding in life consists of having the heart that wants to succeed.Throughout grammar school I would score excellent grades and be on the high honor roll

continuously. I loved the feeling of making my family happy with my learning ability and being

able to be proud of myself. I am always active and always was. I played baseball, football and

basketball as a kid and ended up sticking with basketball through high school. I tried out in ninthgrade for the freshman basketball team and I was cut. Everyone on the team and many teachers in

the school thought I should have made it and I honestly believed I should have been on the court.

I still practiced and became a better player and tried out for the junior varsity team the followingyear. I made the team and after a few games I was starting as the shooting guard. I was very

proud of myself that I was able to forget about the past and move on to bigger and better things

and show the coaches what I can do.

After my sophomore year in high school my life took a twist in a way that I thought never could

happen. Everything was changing and I wasnt accepting the changes at first. I didnt know how

to accept them and what to do to overcome the changes. Every kid growing up hates hearing their

parents argue and thats what I was hearing and not understanding. My parents didnt argue allthat much so it still to this day doesnt make much sense why they got a divorce. The separation

of my parents which left my father an outcast in my life, affected me in such a way that it washard to cope with everyday life afterwards. The feeling of having a mother and father that cares

and loves you no matter what happens, is the most incredible feeling a kid can ever ask for.

While this was going on my grandfather, my mothers father, was in the hospital for open-heartsurgery. It was suppose to be an in and out procedure but it resulted in a devastating outcome. My

grandfather had a stroke and is now paralyzed on his left side and will live the rest of his life in a


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bed at a nursing home. My grandfather was the most incredible man in my life. The past year of

my life up to this date has been a bumpy road for my family and I. The tears, anger and happinesscome and go, which keeps me going. If it werent for my mother and my strong heart to succeed

in life I wouldnt be where I am today. Without having obstacles in life than there wouldnt be

anything to learn. You are put on this earth to overcome these obstacles and be able to succeed

while the world feels as if its on your shoulders. The weight of the world was on mine and Iovercame it.

Go back to top.

Edited essay:

Over the years, as I developed from being a kid into the person I am today, I have learned thatyou need more than just intelligence to succeed in life you also need to have a will to succeed.

Throughout grammar school I received excellent grades and made the high honor roll. I loved

and found pride in making my family happy with my success in school. I also succeeded in

athletics without much effort. I played baseball, football and basketball as a kid and ended upsticking with basketball through high school.

But when I tried out in ninth grade for the freshman basketball team, I was cut. Everyone on theteam and even a number of teachers thought I should have made the team, and I also believed I

should have been on the court. Instead of dwelling on not making the team, I practiced and

became a better player, and then tried out for the junior varsity team the following year. I madethe team and after a few games I was starting as the shooting guard. I was very proud that I was

able to forget about the past and move on with maturity to show the coaches what I could do.

After my sophomore year in high school, my life took an unexpected twist. Everything was

changing, and I wasnt accepting the changes because I didnt know how. Any kid would hate tohear his parents arguing. Mine argued, and I couldnt accept that my life might change because of

what I heard. To this day I dont entirely understand why they got a divorce, but I have realizedthat it is a change I have to live with.

The separation of my parents left my father as an outsider to my life, and affected me in such away that it became hard to cope with everyday life. Having a mother and father who care for and

love you no matter what is the most valuable asset a child can have, but this perfect arrangement

disappeared as I got older.

While the divorce proceeded, my grandfather went to the hospital for open-heart surgery. It was

supposed to be an in-and-out procedure, but instead it had a devastating result: my grandfather

had a stroke was paralyzed on his left side, and he has been living ever since in a bed at a nursinghome. My grandfather was the most incredible man in my life.

The past year of my life has been a bumpy road for my family. The tears, anger and happinesscome and go unpredictably, but I keep going because I know I must. If it werent for my mother

and my strong will to succeed in life, I wouldnt be where I am today. Without obstacles, there

would be nothing to learn from life. We are put on this earth to overcome obstacles and to try to


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succeed even when the world feels as if it is pressing down on our shoulders. The weight of the

world was on mine, and I am now more prepared to overcome it in the future.

Go back to top.

Editing Report:

Your essay is well-written and revealing, two very important qualities for a personal statement.

Its power comes from showing that you are a normal kid who has experienced pain many others

havent, that you are accustomed to adjusting to changes and moving on.

Reading the essay for the first time, I felt its major drawback is that despite telling us a lot about

yourself, you dont create an overall picture. After reading it a few more times I think Iunderstand that your experiences are meant to demonstrate your attitude towards difficulty and

change. But the experiences seem somewhat unrelated to someone who has not lived them. I

understand that this is an easy trap to fall into given the very general essay topics colleges often

require; you do tell about yourself in this essay. But an increased connection of your experiencescould tell much more.

By making the disappointment of your parents divorce and the tragedy of your grandfathersstroke relate more to you and to each other, you can better show how you dealt with a very

difficult time in your life. Doing so will show tenacity and endurance through hardship, but also

an understanding that life is unpredictable.

A great way to start would be to be more complete in your setup of yourself as an innocent kid at

the beginning. Success seemed to come naturally you show this, but it would be worthwhile tosay it directly. It seems that not making the freshman basketball team was one of the first times

you realized that life has its disappointments; making the team later after working harddemonstrates an important lesson youve chosen to live by, that perseverance is about adjusting

well.

But as you got older, the changes in your life got more serious than not making a team. I think

that the division into paragraphs I made should help show that you are creating a progressingstory. You could also specifically relate moving on from disappointment in sports to moving on

from the disappointment of your parents divorce: it is not easy to know what to do when human

relationships dont work out, whereas improving your basketball game makes sense.It may also help to reflect a bit more on how hard it is to register change and move on. If you

show in the third paragraph (when you discuss staying with basketball and eventually

succeeding) that you are the type of person who is able to cope with disappointment well, your

depression over your parents divorce will be more powerful when it follows. In the fifthparagraph, in which you talk about coping with the divorce, give some more details from your

experience. Did your friendships or schoolwork suffer?

While it must have been horrible to watch your grandfather suffer so much right after the divorce,

your reader has a hard time connecting the two incidents, except maybe through your separation

from your father and the fact that your grandfather was the most incredible man in your life.(By the way, it is very awkward to say such a thing about your grandfather after you finish telling


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a story about him you should explain his importance to you before you tell about his stroke, so

that the reader knows there is something to be sad about.) Did this tragedy make you realize onceagain how random lifes changes can be? Or did you recognize that because life is unpredictable,

we have to move on and live as well as we can while were healthy? You show your recent pain

well, but it would be good to tell exactly what it means to you in retrospect.

And similarly, how did your mother help you move on? Your reader can believe that without

your father around she must have had to work very hard, especially during a time when her own

father was ill, but we need you to tell us how her strength or help affected you. What sort of anexample has she set? Your strong heart reads a bit strangely in a paragraph after your

grandfathers stroke; it may be better to replace this term with a word like passion or drive,

in both the first and final paragraphs. Tell your reader where you are today, how things improvedbecause of your good attitude. In other words, give a more complete and detailed story that

shows, not just tells.

It seems to me that your story is about perseverance and how you came to realize its importance.It is a powerful story and speaks well to your ability to survive in life and at college. The changes

I made and that I suggested should mostly serve to connect the experiences you share into a more

cohesive progression that shows how you have grown up during high school. I hope they arehelpful. Good luck with applications!

Sample Edited Law School Personal Statement

The edited essay below is one example of the BetterEssays Premier Service. The originalessay and essay question are reproduced as well.

Question | Original Essay | Edited Essay | Editing Report | Submit Essay Now!

Question:

Please provide a personal statement.

Go back to top.

Original essay:

Certainty at last! So many nights my body has begged for sleep but my mind has not been

indulgent. The hours I have daydreamed away pondering infinite possibilities. But now finally, Iknow exactly what I want to do. I want to study law and practice in the field of international law.

The strangest part is, I have been following this path all along. I studied languages, traveledexhaustively and interested myself in all legal issues. Everyone I know has suggested law school

at least once. You would be such a great lawyer, is a phrase that I often heard all too often. Yet,

I never wanted to make such a commitment without really being sure.
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When I was hired by the French government to teach English I knew it was a wonderful

opportunity, but not a career. It is for that very reason that I reluctantly declined their request toreturn for a second year. Upon returning to the United States I tried my hand in everything from

restaurant management to coaching tennis, but nothing seemed to fit.

So, I would stay up at night wondering why I could not decide what I wanted to be when I grewup. I imagined myself in thousands of different careers yet; I could make up my mind with any

degree of certainty. My family would tell me You can accomplish anything you set your mind

to. Yet, somehow that clich is rather discouraging whey you cannot find anything to set yourmind to.

Then all of a sudden I knew. No, I did not want to go to law school just because everyone saidthat I should. I wanted to start a career in an area that encompassed all of my interests and fortes.

For so long I searched for a career that incorporated my knowledge of different languages and

cultures as well as my interest in legal issues. It is amazing that I did not figure it out earlier. A

career in international law fits.

Fortunately, all of my belaboring is now in the past. Interestingly enough, I do not feel as if I

have made a decision. Rather, I am continuing on the path that I started on long ago. Now mydays are filled with purpose in place of reveries, and I am sleeping much better at night.

Go back to top.

Edited essay:

Certainty at last! After many sleepless nights and many hours of anxious daydreaming, I finallyknow what I want to do. I want to become a lawyer and practice international law. Without even

realizing it, I have spent most of my professional life preparing to be a lawyer. Almost all myteachers and friends have suggested that I go to law school. I studied languages, traveled

extensively and interested myself in legal issues. I frequently heard people say, You would besuch a great lawyer! Still, I was not certain.

Last year, I was hired by the French government as an English teacher. I had a wonderful time inFrance, but I sensed that my career was not in education. I declined the schools request to return

for a second year. Upon returning to the United States, I kept searching for my professional

calling. I experimented with many different kinds of jobs, from restaurant management to tenniscoaching, but nothing seemed to fit.

So I stayed up at night wondering why I could not decide upon a profession. I imagined myself in

many different careers, but I could not make a decision. My family would tell me, You canaccomplish anything you set your mind to. Although I appreciated this bit of encouraging

advice, it rang hollow since I did not yet know what I wanted to accomplish.

One night, I realized that what my friends and family had been telling me all along was exactly

right. I wanted to start a career which would allow me to capitalize on my intellectual interests

and strengths: foreign languages and cultures, travel, international policy, and history. Indeed, acareer in international law suits me well.


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Now that I plan to become a lawyer, I do not feel as though I have completely changeddirections. Rather, I am continuing on the path that I started on long ago. I have abandoned the

old fears about my future, and I am determined to live up to my vocation.

Go back to top.

Editing Report:

XXXXX, I can tell that you have worked hard on this essay. You have succeeded in telling aninteresting story that gives the reader a good idea of your background, previous professional

experience, and breadth of knowledge.

However, I am concerned that your essay does not convey exactly the right message to

admissions officers. Your essay explains that you have been tending toward becoming a lawyer

for years, although you were not aware of this until recently. Now that you have made this

discovery, you are ready to commit the rest of your professional life to law. The problem is thatyour essay does not adequately explain why you have chosen law. I am afraid that right now,

your essay gives the impression that the decision to become a lawyer is merely the latest in a slew

of misjudgments about your professional future, not an epiphany about who you are.In the first paragraph, the first two sentences indicate that you now know what you want to do,

but there is nothing that indicates how you found this out. First of all, the narrative here was a bit

too dramatic to be consistent with the tone of the rest of the piece (I changed it). But moreimportantly, there is nothing that shows why you were so confused. Instead, the paragraph simply

indicates that you were confused, and that now you are not. This leaves the reader begging for

more information: why were you confused? What events helped you decide? What other careersdid you consider?

When you explain why you think you have always been on track to become a lawyer, you claim,

I studied languages, traveled exhaustively and interested myself in all legal issues. This is avery vague description, and it makes me wonder, for instance, how did you interest yourself in

legal issues? What languages did you study (I assume this does not come up elsewhere in your

application)? Where exactly and why did you travel?

The same thing goes for your description about your job in France and your jobs in the United

States. For example, you never mention what specifically you liked about the job in France andhow you knew it wasnt the job you wanted for the rest of your life. Right now, this anecdote

would make just as much sense if you were talking about gardening in Vermont, for example,

instead of teaching in France. There must have been something special about this experience that

made you come to know yourself better.

Near the end of your essay, you state, Then, all of a sudden, I knew! This is the critical part of

your essay, yet there is no substance here. How did you come to know? What happened? It musthave been more than a sudden burst of knowledge. Explain what was going on in your head and

in your life to make you come to such a dramatic and important decision.

Since the goal of your essay is to explain how you have pursued your vocation without realizing


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it, it will be a challenge to persuade your audience that you really have found your vocation, and

that this job as a lawyer will be different from all the other jobs. You could reduce this challengeby recasting your essay so that it explains how you have spent your whole life preparing to be an

international lawyer. (Even if this is not true, it would make writing the personal statement a bit

easier.) If you prefer to keep the essay as a story of being unconsciously drawn to the legal

profession, then you must make a much stronger case that this is so. This essay would not changemuch if it were about medicine instead of law. This is a sign that you have not shown why law is

special to you. I do not know what your word limit is, but I suspect that it is higher than 400

words. If this is the case, then flesh out this essay with liberality.

I have tried to make your essay more concise. In general, remember to avoid unnecessarily long

phrases like, Yet I couldnt make up my mind with any degree of certainty. Why not just say,I could not decide?

Good luck with your essay and the rest of your law school applications.

Sample Edited Graduate School Personal StatementThe edited essay below is one example of the BetterEssays Premier Service. The originalessay and essay question are reproduced as well.

Question | Original Essay | Edited Essay | Editing Report | Submit Essay Now!

Question:

Please write a statement of your academic and future career plans as they relate to the university

department to which you are applying. Your statement should not exceed 1,000 words and mustbe written in English.

Go back to top.

Original essay:

"No pain, no gain," was a motto I often lived by as a young person. Starting at age seven, I beganformal studies in classical piano and violin and soon competed as a soloist and member of the

Central XXXXX Youth Symphony. By the time I turned 17, however, my health had degenerated

due to a neuromuscular pain disorder and chronic tendinitis, which unfortunately prevented me

from continuing my musical instruments.

This significant change in my life forced me to adjust to new physical limitations, but also helpedme to reconsider my priorities and develop a profound sense of independence and conviction todo well at school and take care of my health. After growing up as a sleepless perfectionist, I

assigned myself a new motto: "Overdo, youre through." And, after beginning my undergraduate

career at XXXXX College, I cultivated new interests, such as singing in the Handel Society, acommunity mass choir, and working as a computer animator.

By my sophomore year, I discovered a new musical voice in computer music composition. Since
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then, I actively participated in masters classes in electro-acoustic music, concerts, festivals, and

other activities at XXXXX Studios along with formal studies in music theory, computer scienceand vocal performance.

I graduated with a combined degree in Music Modified (by Computer Science) and headed to

XXXXX University to explore musical composition in the context of other media. During myfirst year at XXXXX, I worked on various multimedia projects while developing skills in video,

interactive programming, and real-time interactive video processing. I also studied theoretical,

philosophical and aesthetic aspects of digital "new media" and multimedia, covering writtenworks by Marshall Mcluhan, Theodor Adorno, Jacques Derrida, and Lev Manovich.

After my first year at XXXXX, I moved to Europe to expand the breadth of my musical, artistic

and intellectual growth. In June 2001, I lived in Barcelona, Spain, where I notated aesthetictrends in the electronic music, video and digital arts activities and studied and performed contact

dance improvisation with local artists.

In August 2001, I headed to Berlin, Germany to study at XXXXX University through a DAAD(Deutscher Akademischer Austausch Dienst) scholarship. I took courses in advanced German,

German history and culture and worked in Supercollider study groups at the Musikhochschule of

Berlin.

From September 2001 to June 2002, I resided in Paris, France where I attended the Centre de

Creation Musicale Iannis Xenakis. At CCMIX, I studied Xenakis' ideas and work regardingstochastic music and the transformation of sound through time and space and worked with Curtis

Roads, Jean-Claude Risset, Julio Estrada, and Carla Scaletti. With the programs diverse readings

in natural biology regarding shape and symmetry and applied physics and math, I found more andmore alternative ways to guide musical form and achieve temporal and parametric control over

video and musical sounds and processes. On my spare time, I explored tuning theory and history,

which included some beta testing of software on adaptive tunings by Bill Sethares.

Upon my return to US, I resumed formal studies in vocal performance and participated in a

summer CCRMA workshop, Digital Signal Processing for Audio: Spectral and Physical Models.

At XXXXX, I began planning a 40-60 minute theatrical monologue and multimedia art projectfor my Masters thesis, which is using real-time interactive video processing with Jitter set to new,

original computer music compositions. For this work, I will perform the role of a young woman

attempting to interpret her dreams and nightmares during a nights sleep. The set-design for thiswork is a bedroom with a video camera to track my movements, which will trigger sounds, video

clips and effects representing realizations of my dreams.

My Masters thesis presents some of my experimental and artistic ideas involving thecontemporary research in multisensory perception. Currently, I am developing techniques in

audiovisual composition, which makes use of perceptual influences between sight and sound.

Some of this research referred to in my work includes: visual illusions induced by sound, illusorycrossmodal aftereffects, and methods of organizing aural and visual attention in multimedia

works.

For the most part, my music attempts to create an evocative aural atmosphere, one that is

engaging or thought-provoking. Sometimes my work is delicate, other times, forceful and


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experimental, but it is always my intention to express sincere intimate or personal emotion or

musical thought. Despite having a variety of software and programming skills, I also strive foraesthetic or theoretical awareness of the ways in which technology is used to create my works.

Being a musician in the "Information Age," I am particularly interested in cultural forms of music

unique to user interactions and use of computers, and the influence of this medium on music

making.

At XXXXX, I wish to continue my growth as a composer by challenging myself with new

experiences and exploring various mediums to help realize my musical ideas. I look forward toproducing more audiovisual or multimedia performances, which emphasize story-telling, context-

based performance space, and narrative structures. Furthermore, I would like to continue

following multisensory perception research through independent studies and attendances to theInternational Multisensory Research Conferences. I hope my dissertation will be a major

culmination of such musical multimedia work, which relates the aesthetic, theoretical

significance of psychophysical research in crossmodal (multisensory) integration or cognition. In

the end, I hope my dissertation will be an orthogonal milestone for computer musicians andsound artists to explore relevant psychophysical perceptual issues when combining their work

with experimental video, animation, virtual reality, and film.

As a composer and artist, I hope the diversity of my skills and interests will help me pursue a

pedagogical career in media arts and technology. I truly wish to contribute to these types of

interdisciplinary programs with an emphasis in sound design, digital audio, computer musiccomposition and multimedia.

Finally, I hope to contribute to the XXXXX community by sharing research and critical thoughts,teaching and learning from others, offering technical help, providing a role model for women

interested in computer music, art and technology.

Go back to top.

Edited essay:

"No pain, no gain," was my motto as a young person. At age seven, I began formal studies inclassical piano and violin and soon competed as a soloist and member of the Central XXXXX

Youth Symphony. By age 17, however, my health had degenerated due to a neuromuscular pain

disorder and chronic tendinitis, which put an end to my performing days.

This profound change in my life forced me to adjust to new physical limitations but also helped

me to reconsider my priorities and develop a strong sense of independence and a conviction to do

well at school and take care of my health. After growing up as a sleep-deprived perfectionist, Iassigned myself a new motto: Overdo, youre through. And, after beginning my undergraduate

career at XXXXX College, I cultivated new interests, such as singing in the Handel Society, a

community mass choir, and working as a computer animator.

By my sophomore year, I discovered a new musical voice in computer music composition. Since

then, I actively participated in master classes in electro-acoustic music, concerts, festivals, andother activities at Bregman Studios, along with formal studies in music theory, computer science


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and vocal performance.

I graduated with a combined degree in Music Modified (by Computer Science) and headed to

XXXXX University to explore musical composition in the context of other media. During my

first year at XXXXX, I worked on various multimedia projects while developing skills in video,

interactive programming, and real-time interactive video processing. I also studied theoretical,philosophical and aesthetic aspects of digital "new media" and multimedia, covering written

works by Marshall McLuhan, Theodor Adorno, Jacques Derrida, and Lev Manovich.

After my first year at Brown, I moved to Europe to expand the breadth of my musical, artistic andintellectual growth. In June 2001, I lived in Barcelona, where I studied aesthetic trends in

electronic music and video and digital arts, and I also studied and performed contact dance

improvisation with local artists.

In August 2001, I headed to Berlin to study at XXXXX University through a DAAD (Deutscher

Akademischer Austausch Dienst) scholarship. I took courses in advanced German, German

history and culture and worked in Supercollider study groups at the Musikhochschule of Berlin.

From September 2001 to June 2002, I attended the Centre de Creation Musicale Iannis Xenakis

in Paris. At CCMIX, I studied Xenakis' ideas and work on stochastic music and thetransformation of sound through time and space, working with Curtis Roads, Jean-Claude Risset,

Julio Estrada, and Carla Scaletti. With the programs diverse readings in natural biology

regarding shape and symmetry and applied physics and math, I found more and more alternativeways to guide musical form and achieve temporal and parametric control over video and musical

sounds and processes. In my spare time, I explored tuning theory and history, which included

some beta testing of software on adaptive tunings by Bill Sethares.Upon returning to the United States, I resumed formal studies in vocal performance and

participated in a summer CCRMA workshop called Digital Signal Processing for Audio: Spectral

and Physical Models. At XXXXX, I began planning a 40-60 minute theatrical monologue and

multimedia art project for my Masters thesis, which uses real-time interactive video processingwith Jitter set to new, original computer music compositions. For this work, I will perform the

role of a young woman attempting to interpret her dreams and nightmares during a nights sleep.

The set-design for this work is a bedroom with a video camera to track my movements, whichwill trigger sounds, video clips and effects representing realizations of my dreams.

My Masters thesis presents some of my experimental and artistic ideas involving thecontemporary research in multisensory perception. Currently, I am developing techniques in

audiovisual composition that make use of perceptual influences between sight and sound. Some

of this research referred to in my work includes visual illusions induced by sound, illusory

crossmodal aftereffects, and methods of organizing aural and visual attention in multimediaworks.

My music largely attempts to create an evocative aural atmosphere, one that is engaging andthought-provoking. Sometimes my work is delicate, and at other times forceful and experimental,

but it is always intended to express sincere personal emotion and musical thought. Despite having

a variety of software and programming skills, I also strive for an aesthetic or theoreticalawareness of the ways in which technology is used to create my works. Being a musician in the

Information Age, I am particularly interested in cultural forms of music unique to user


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interactions and use of computers, and the influence of this medium on music making.

At XXXXX, I wish to continue my growth as a composer by challenging myself with new

experiences and exploring various media to realize my musical ideas. I look forward to producing

more audiovisual or multimedia performances that emphasize story-telling, context-based

performance space, and narrative structures. I would also like to continue following multisensoryperception research by performing independent studies and by attending International

Multisensory Research Conferences. I hope my dissertation will be a culmination of such musical

multimedia work, which relates the aesthetic, theoretical significance of psychophysical researchin crossmodal (multisensory) integration or cognition. I hope my dissertation will be an

orthogonal milestone for computer musicians and sound artists to explore relevant

psychophysical perceptual issues when combining their work with experimental video,animation, virtual reality, and film.

As a composer and artist, I hope the diversity of my skills and interests will facilitate a

pedagogical career in media arts and technology. I truly wish to contribute to interdisciplinaryprograms with an emphasis in sound design, digital audio, computer music composition and

multimedia.

Finally, I hope to contribute to the XXXXX community by sharing research and critical thoughts,

teaching and learning from others, offering technical help, and providing a role model for women

interested in computer music, art and technology.

Go back to top.

Editing Report:

Your essay is a solid presentation of your background and experience in your field, and yourcredentials are no doubt strong and compelling. However, you do not address the actual question

posedto write about your academic and future career plans as they relate to the universitydepartment to which you are applyingin sufficient length or depth. No doubt it is more

difficult to write about future goals than about previous experiences, but in your current draft,

you devote only about 1/6 of the text to a treatment of your future plans, and only at the very endof your essay. Rather than dutifully marching through your resume in great detail before

unveiling your proposed plan of study at XXXXX, consider starting out with a compelling vision

of your future studies and aspirations while filling in the background later. I understand that yourbackground and personal history are essential to telling the story of your vision for your future,

but in your current draft, they overshadow what ought to be the focus of your essay, your

academic and future career plans.

I suggest you consider revising your essay using this general structure: 1) a broad discussion of

your aspirations and goals in your field, 2) your background, and 3) a more specific discussion of

what you want to accomplish at XXXXX. In your current draft, your discussion of your proposedplan of study at XXXXX grows organically out of and builds on your discussion of your prior

studies, but you should not delay at least a broad treatment of your future goals until the very end

of your essay. Begin the essay with a paragraph or two about why you find your field socompelling and special and a broad statement about what you hope to accomplish in it. And then


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write about the experiences in your life that have led up to where you are now, and then you can

speak more specifically about your proposed plans for XXXXX. Your tenth paragraph (Mymusic largely in my edited version), I think, holds the raw material for a compelling opening.

Also, what you stated in your note to us (I strive for my own, unique aesthetic, one that is

sensual and emotionally sincere and incorporates contemporary research in psychophysical and

multisensory perception.) is another great jumping off point. This statement is as direct andconcise as anything in your actual essayput this at the forefront.

As it stands, your essay, especially with its list-like presentation of your academic background,seems more dutiful than inspired. Undoubtedly the work you do and plan to do is interesting

indeed, it sounds very interestingbut you need to do more to convey a sense of excitement

about it. I think this can be accomplished through both addition and subtraction. Although it isimportant, to a certain extent, to scrupulously detail your previous studies, you should do away

with the laundry list of people youve worked with or whose works youve read or studied. You

should focus more on what youve studied than with whom, and I think you should give specific

examples of perhaps two or three of your most important formative intellectual experiences ratherthan dropping a dozen names. Keep the emphasis on how these experiences have affected your

aesthetic, musical, and intellectual value system rather than where they were or with whom. (Im

curious how you apply Derrida to digital multimedia!)Also, part of the reason why your essay seems a little inert is because much of your discussion of

your musical work is in the abstract. One of the most interesting parts of your essay is your

description of your Masters thesis, which is quite detailed and specific. Your work sounds quitepotentially interesting in the abstractIm sure its much more interesting in its realization and

incarnation.

You begin your essay with the motto No pain, no gain, yet your essay lacks a description of the

(implied) relentless practice/performance schedule that led to your injury. You should add this in.

Your description of this profound change to your life at age 17 is a little emotionally flat. You

need stronger language than unfortunately prevented and This significant change. Youradjustment, as you present it, seems to have been quite smooth, almost effortless. Was it? What

was your struggle, what was your agon during these years? Your mentioning of a new-found

conviction to take care of your health is a good observation, but did you not have a conviction todo well in school before all this? Also, how did this give you a new sense of independence?

Were you pressured to pursue your instrumental studies? Your second motto, Overdo, youre

through, is a little cornball and doesnt quite ring true, but if indeed it was your real motto, dokeep it. Otherwise, it seems a little too neat, too tidy. And perhaps you can tie these experiences

in with the conclusion of your essay to bring it full circle. Do you still ponder this change in your

life frequently? Does it still motivate you?

Your final two paragraphs also need work. They are a flat way to end an essay. Its fine to say

what you say in those paragraphs, but you need to say more. Why a pedagogical career as

opposed to some other? What can you contribute to your field in the academy rather than throughprivate or personal enterprise? Why are you drawn to the academic community? What have you

gained from your previous experiences in such communities? Why do you value them? Why do

you want to be a role model for women in these fields? Have you had role model yourself, orhave you yourself desired but lacked such a role model (are women underrepresented)?


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Perhaps another question you can answer in the final paragraphs is why XXXXX (as opposed to

another university)? What resources can you get there that you cant get anywhere else? Whatprograms, professors, facilities make XXXXX attractive to someone with your academic

interests? What can you bring to the department at XXXXX that it desires? Basically, why is

XXXXX the right place for you?

I hope these comments give you some idea of how to begin revising this already excellent essay.

Thank you for using BetterEssays, and good luck with the rest of the application.

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