bed bugs from outer space! script
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SCREENPLAYTRANSCRIPT
BED BUGS FROM OUTER SPACE!
Written by
BRETT McCARTHY
Based on a story byNICOLE LETAW,ADAM HOLMES,BRETT McCARTHY
A frenzy of quick cuts - VAMPIRES attacking HUMANS. MEN YELL. WOMEN SCREAM. A VOICE is heard OFF SCREEN...
Fear grips the nation as a epidemic of vampire attacks sweeps the country.
The CAMERA pulls back and we realize that we are watching a NEWSCAST on a WALL MOUNTED TV. The narrator is a NEWSCASTER.
NARRATOR/NEWSCASTER As seen in this graphic cellphone footage, citizens have been victimized in a frenzy of violent assaults. In a game of macabre competition, cities from coast to coast claim to be the original 'hot zone' of the vampire outbreak.
(beat)In other news, watching too much television linked to restless leg syndrome...
CAMERA GOES WIDER YET - WE GET A BEARING ON OUR LOCATION:
INT. DARKENED LIVINGROOM -
We see JACK, dressed like a GHOUL. HE sits at an UPRIGHT PIANO, watching the NEWSCAST. He reacts in disgust.
He theatrically gestures to someone off screen. Disgusted.
JACKTurn it off.
An OFF SCREEN arm reaches out to the PIANO, grabs a REMOTE CONTROL and turns off the TV. Jack talks haughtily to the audience.
JACK (CONT’D)They claim to be the first. Imposters all. How do I know? Because this very house was ground zero, the epicenter for the murder and mayhem now sweeping this country. We haven’t seen this much sex and violence since the last Republican Primary. So sit back and listen if you dare to the truth about Bed Bugs from Outer Space.
Jack pounds the keys dramatically. MAIN TITLE flashes:
BED BUGS FROM OUTER SPACE!
EXT. SUBURBAN PARTY HOME BACK YARD - DAY
JACK, in his GHOUL costume, carries a lovely POTTED FLOWERING PLANT out the back door...
JACK (V.O.)It started out just like any other Halloween. I was hard at work, preparing for the evening’s soiree. I was in a fabulous mood.
EXT. BIG ROCK, NICASIO - DAY
A FLYING SAUCER FLIES high above this famous landmark.
JACK (V.O.)But then I didn’t know we’d have party crashers. Party crashes of the 6 legged kind.
EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
The SAUCER descends from the sky into a quiet suburban street, splendiferously decorated for Halloween. It glides by a 'PRIVATE NEIGHBORHOOD - RESIDENTS ONLY' SIGN.
EXT. SUBURBAN PARTY HOME FRONT YARD - DAY
...JACK tenderly places the PLANT in the front yard. Arranging it just so. The saucer flies behind him. JACK doesn't notice and starts to go inside--
JACK (V.O.)I had arranged and rearranged a frightening diorama...
EXT. SUBURBAN PARTY HOME FRONT LANDING - DAY
--But stops at a LARGE WITCH FIGURE. He takes her BROOM, sweeps away a dust ball. Replaces the broom. Goes inside.
JACK...and then proceeded to spend hours cleaning the house.
2.
EXT. SUBURBAN PARTY HOME SIDE YARD - DAY
The SAUCER glides over a fence with a "BEWARE OF DOG" SIGN. Approaches a METAL OUTDOOR HEATER. Its top looks UFO-ish. The saucer hovers near, emits ELECTRONIC BEEPS. Tries to communicate. No response. It moves on to a--
EXT. SUBURBAN PARTY HOME BACKYARD GARDEN - DAY
-- garden decorated with GARDEN GNOMES. SAUCER lands there.
INT. SUBURBAN PARTY HOME KITCHEN - DAY
JACK/Ghoul talks to SAMMY, a DACHSHUND. He's putting some kind of outfit on him.
JACK/GHOULThis party is going to rock. Unlike last year.
He's done dressing Sammy - it's a DEVIL COSTUME.
JACK starts to slice some VEGETABLES.
JACK/GHOUL (CONT’D)Jack loves his Sami.
Not watching what he's doing he slices his finger - OUCH!
Jack gets a RAG. Wraps his thumb up. Then takes off Sammy's outfit.
JACKDon't want you getting it dirty before the party.
Montage: with his BANDAGED HAND Jack party preps - starts the FIREPLACE; arranges a PUMPKIN CENTERPIECE; straightens a PICTURE on the wall; DYSON-CAM over the carpet.
Scared by the vacuum cleaner, Sammy bolts--
EXT. SUBURBAN PARTY HOME BACK YARD - DAY
--SAMMY exits house sniffs around. Here and there.
3.
EXT. SUBURBAN PARTY HOME BACK YARD - DAY
SAMMY finds the SAUCER. Licks the metal - SLURP! An ALARM sounds and a FOUL CLOUD shoots from the ship, right into Sammy's face. He YELPS and runs off--
INT./EXT. SUBURBAN PARTY HOME FRONT YARD - DAY
COSTUMED GUESTS start arriving.
EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Turkeys trotting. Deer grazing. Idyllic. Off in the distance a sound is heard. It grows closer and closer.... the ominous roar of a MOTORCYCLE approaches.
A VIPER RED HARLEY SPORTSTER rockets into frame. 2 LEATHER JACKET-CLAD people on board.
MOTORCYCLE POV
A GLOVED HAND guns the THROTTLE - DEER and TURKEYS FLEE--
EXT. SUBURBAN PARTY HOME - DAY
--the Harley pulls onto the front lawn, knocks over the lovely POTTED PLANT. Parks.
The passenger climbs off, peels off her LEATHER JACKET. TIFFANY, in a CHEERLEADER OUTFIT, chews BUBBLE GUM as she takes in the surroundings. She's impressed.
TIFFANY/CHEERLEADERNice digs.
TODD, her BIKER boyfriend kills the engine.
TODD/BIKERI told you, baby. My brother is big time.
TIFFANY/CHEERLEADERYou sure this is okay? We didn't get an invite.
TODD/BIKERMere oversight, baby.
TIFFANY/CHEERLEADERDo you think he'll like me?
4.
He nuzzles her neck and makes devouring sounds.
TODD/BIKERWhat's not to like, baby? You're so hot. I could eat you up.
INT. SUBURBAN PARTY HOME DINING ROOM - DAY
Jack carefully arranges a PUNCH BOWL full of DRY ICE and plastic EYEBALLS on the TABLE. The doorbell RINGS.
INT. SUBURBAN PARTY HOME FRONT DOOR - DAY
JACK approaches the door and swings it open. No one is there. He sees the red HARLEY and the demolished POTTED PLANT. A moment of realization. Then concern.
TIFFANY leans into frame.
TIFFANY/CHEERLEADERTrick-or-treat!
TODD leans into frame from the other side.
TODD/BIKERDepends on who the trick is. Right, blood?
Jack is stunned, he doesn't know what to say. Todd pushes into the home. Tiffany follows. Offers her hand to Jack.
TIFFANY/CHEERLEADERI'm Tiffany. You know, like the glass.
TIFFANY(taking in the decor)
Wow. They don't have stuff like this at Walmart.
TODD/BIKERJacky here is big time. This is IKEA.
INT. DINING ROOM - DAY
AT PUNCH BOWL
Two PARTYERS - LUKE SKYWALKER and PRINCESS LEIA - fill their glasses and exit left and right to reveal:
5.
TODD and TIFFANY making out. They block the punch bowl and there's a LINE OF PEOPLE, thirsty and impatient.
Todd whispers to her.
TODDHey, let’s go upstairs.
They fill their GLASSES, toast and exit. JUNE - a WINGED FAIRY and KAREN, a Tippi Hedren-lookalike, step up.
JUNE/WINGED FAIRYI can't believe he's here.
KAREN/TIPPI HEDRENWhy?
JUNE/WINGED FAIRYLast Halloween he was doing another bimbo and they broke a vase.
Jack enters.
JACK/GHOULNot just any vase. Waterford.
June and Karen shake their heads, appalled. Beat.
JUNE/WINGED FAIRYFaboo party, Jack.
INT. STAIRS -
Sammy watches the amorous TODD and TIFFANY climb the stairs. Todd scoops him up. Sound effect - Sammy infecting Todd with bed bugs.
INT. BEDROOM -
They enter and flip on a light. Reveals a LARGE CANOPY BED.
TIFFANY climbs on the bed. TODD puts SAMMY on the NIGHT STAND. Joins Tiffany.
Tiffany's POV: Sammy's watching them. Sammy tilts his head - 'what are they doing'? Tiffany gets distracted.
TODD/BIKERFocus!
Tiffany refocuses. Gets into the moment. Beat. Then. She looks at Sammy. He wags his tail.
6.
TIFFANY/CHEERLEADERI can't. Not with the dog there.
TODD/BIKERC'mon, it will be hot.
TIFFANY/CHEERLEADERYou make me do a lot of weird shit but not this.
TODD/BIKERChrist. OK.
Todd puts Sammy outside the door. Turns back.
TODD/BIKER (CONT'D)Now, where were we?
Todd unzips the left sleeve - ZIP! Then the right - ZIP! And for the finale pulls down his zipper on his fly - ZZZZIP!
Tiffany squeals with delight.
INT./EXT. DINING ROOM -
June looks at the full punch bowl. Glances around. No one is looking. She opens the door. Dumps the punch out.
INT. SUBURBAN PARTY HOME - DAY
SAMMY enters the house and we SAMMY-CAM through the PARTY. SAGE grabs Sammy.
SAGESAM-MY! You are the cutest. You're. So. Cute.
Sage kisses Sammy. He infects her with bed bugs.
INT. DINING ROOM - DAY
JUNE enters with the empty punch bowl.
JUNE/WINGED FAIRYHey Lestat, you're out of booze.
Jack enters.
JACK/GHOULBut there was plenty a few minutes ago.
7.
JUNE/WINGED FAIRYBetter hit Bev Mo. When people aren’t drinking they’re gonna start talking.
JACK/GHOULOkay, but please don't let anyone make a mess.
JUNE/WINGED FAIRYI don't know how he broke that vase.
JACK/GHOULAnd promise me you won't let anyone use the upstairs bathroom.
JUNES crosses herself.
JUNE/WINGED FAIRYCross my heart. Hope to die. Stick a needle in my eye.
He grabs his CAR KEYS and exits.
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
More GROANING and bed SQUEAKS from TODD and TIFFANY.
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
POV FROM THE BED: on TODD. He starts to twitch... body spasms... salivates... He drops out of frame.
TIFFANY/CHEERLEADERDon't stop. I was almost there.
DUTCHED CAMERA: he rises back into a frame - he's now a full on Vampire... and literally starts to eat TIFFANY... Her MOANS of ecstasy turn into SCREAMS of terror...
INT. DINING ROOM - DAY
KAREN stands at the punch bowl, looking bored. June enters. GROANS and SQUEAKS off screen. A CHANDELIER SWAYS.
TIFFANY's SCREAMS are mistaken for love making.
8.
JUNE/WINGED FAIRYSomeone's having the time of her life!
KAREN enters and puts her hands about a foot apart.
KARENI hear Todd has a BIG one.
JUNE/WINGED FAIRY'Big Head Todd Has a Monster'... in his pants?!
KARENI'd do him.
A CAR ENGINE STARTS off-screen.
KAREN (CONT’D)Jack's gone, hit the wine cellar. It's out in the garage.
JUNE/WINGED FAIRYYou should check out the upstairs bathroom. It's got a bidet.
JUNE and KAREN exit off in their own directions.
EXT. DRIVEWAY -
JACK drives off.
INT. SUBURBAN PARTY HOME GARAGE -
Single LIGHT BULB hangs from a cord. Furniture covered in SHEETS. Spooky. JUNE walks to the refrigerator.
INT. SUBURBAN PARTY HOME HALLWAY OUTSIDE BEDROOM -
The screams have stopped and all is silent. The bedroom door CREAKS open...
Out step TODD-VAMPIRE and TIFFANY-VAMPIRE. SAMMY yelps and runs off... The Vampires descend the stairs and go their separate ways.
INT. SUBURBAN PARTY HOME GARAGE -
TODD-VAMPIRE enters. Sees JUNE at the refrigerator. She riffles through the bottles, unaware death is closing.
9.
CU: on Todd-VAMPIRE's feet dragging along. June hears it.
JUNE/WINGED FAIRY(over her shoulder)
Karen, is that you?
No response. Back to the wine fridge, June finds a particular BOTTLE OF WINE. Pulls it out. Impressed.
JUNE/WINGED FAIRY (CONT'D)Petrus. '82. Nice.
She closes the fridge door. Reveals Todd-VAMPIRE. The bottle of wine shatters on the floor, followed by BLOOD.
EXT. LIQUOR STORE -
JACK exits carrying a box of BOOZE. He makes a phone call
JACKHey June, it’s Jack. I’m on my way back from the liquor store. Just checking to see if we need anything else. Call me back. Oh, and don’t let anyone use the upstairs bathroom. It is off limits. à tout à l'heure.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BATHROOM -
KAREN enters the main bathroom then the water closet.
INT. BATHROOM/WATER CLOSET -
KAREN sits on the commode.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE BATHROOM -
TIFFANY-VAMPIRE approaches. She pushes the door open..
INT. BATHROOM/WATER CLOSET -
KAREN on the commode, thumbing through a MAGAZINE. She hears an OFF SCREEN door creak.
KARENIs anyone there?
She opens the door to reveal... NO ONE.
10.
Karen goes to the sink, bends down to wash her face. Stands up. TIFFANY-VAMPIRE is in the mirror! Karen SCREAMS. Drops the SOAP in the sink. Which is followed by BLOOD.
INT. GARAGE -
A BODY on the floor rises. It's June. Now a Vampire.
INT. BATHROOM -
A BODY on the floor rises. It's KAREN. Now a Vampire.
INT. BATHROOM -
Creaks opens to reveal KAREN-VAMPIRE.
INT./EXT. DINING ROOM - DAY
KAREN Vampire and JUNE Vampire meet. See unsuspecting PARTYERS on the patio. They attack...
EXT. STREETS -
JACK pulls up to a STOP SIGN. TRICK-OR-TREATERS cross. Taps his fingers anxiously. Dials his CELLPHONE...
HOCKEY MASK TRICK OR TREATERCandy corn? Yuck!
PUMPKIN MASK TRICK OR TREATERA penny.
HOCKEY MASK TRICK OR TREATERDude, times are tough all over.
PUMPKIN MASK TRICK OR TREATERWhat should we do now?
HOCKEY MASK TRICK OR TREATERYou guys want to come over and play X-box?
The trick or treaters cross the street. Jack drives on.
EXT. PATIO - DAY
Vampire MONTAGE - BODY PARTS EATEN, BLOOD FLOWS.
11.
In the background, an OFF-SCREEN PHONE RINGS. And rings.
INT. HOUSE -
CU: ANSWERING MACHINE - RECORDING THE CALL.
JACK/GHOUL (O.S.)June? Hello? Is anyone there? Why isn't anyone answering?
INT./EXT. CAR -
Jack jets along berating the answering machine.
JACK/GHOUL...I'm starting to get upset. If anyone makes a mess, I’m going to be really pissed off. I’m serious. If anything gets broken. If anything gets messed around. You’re dead, they’re dead, everyone’s dead.
EXT. PATIO - DAY
The recently deceased start to rise.
INT. HOUSE -
CU: ANSWERING MACHINE - RECORDING THE CALL
Blood drips on the answering machine.
JACK/GHOUL (O.S.)Hey June, I’m on my way home. You people better not be behaving like animals when I get home or there will be hell to pay when I get home. You hear me, June. Hell. To. Pay.
EXT. PATIO - DAY
An orgy of violence as the vampires have a feeding frenzy.
CU: ANSWERING MACHINE -
The answering machine is covered in blood. It starts to MALFUNCTION and the tape gets eaten.
12.
JACK/GHOUL (O.S.)Hell. To. Pay. Hell. To. Pay. Hell. To Pay....
EXT. HOUSE -
Todd and Tiffany Vampire are on the motorcycle. She lets out a fiendish laugh and they drive off.
Vampires stream out of the house feeding on body parts.
EXT. SUBURBAN PARTY HOME FRONT YARD -
JACK/GHOUL arrives. Sees the Vampires ambling off and corners FELIX, the Krishna, munching a severed arm.
JACK/GHOULHey guys. I’m back with the booze. Hey where you going? It’s early. Come on. Guys.
Felix pushes by. Grunts. Jack runs to the front door--
INT./EXT. SUBURBAN PARTY HOME FRONT YARD - DAY
2 PARTYERS run out screaming. Jack opens door to reveal JUNE Vampire munching on a FOOT. JACK sees the house is trashed.
JACK/GHOULWhat the fuck happened to my house!?
Seething with anger, he grabs the BROOM from the WITCH DISPLAY and uses it to shush June back.
JACK/GHOUL (CONT'D)Oh no. Not you. You get back in there. Get back. I cannot believe you let this happen again. Of all the times you have betrayed this friendship, this is the worst. I’ve been talking to my therapist about you. You are a toxic relationship, and you are totally co-dependent. Get back in there!
JUNE/WINGED FAIRY - VAMPIRE(cowers)
UGGGGH!
FADE TO BLACK.
13.
INT. ROOM -
The lights go up to reveal Jack. Big glass of wine on the piano.
JACKFriends. It's true. The outbreak of vampirism started at a humble party. What began as an evening of magic and merriment turned tragic and full of bloodshed. There were many casualties that night. But also some survivors. Survivors that work for cheap.
OTHER ANGLE
We see June-Vampire - in a CLEANING LADY'S UNIFORM and a MASK over her MOUTH.
He lifts the glass. June enters with a rag. Wipes up. She moves in jerking Vampire fashion, doing a bad job.
JACK/NARRATORDear, you missed a spot.
June-Vampire GRUNTS.
JUNE/VAMPIREMMMMRMMPH....
JACKDon’t make me get the holy water again.
Jack starts tinkling the ivories and we slow fade out...
14.