bandersnatch volume 41 issue 14

Wednesday, april 25, 2012 | Volume 41, issue 14- 1..

mischief managed since 1971. | WWW.bandersnatch.ca | Wednesday, april 25, 2012 | Volume 41, issue 14 .

Arts pg.

Entertainment pg. Opinions pg.

JACMUN? DoublePlusGood

Games pg.

News pg.

Sports pg.

Yasmine MosimannProduction Staff and Office Manager

Wingdings were deciphered, a goat-like man was screamed at, princess aliens arrived, and Quebec’s independence led to people in England protesting maple syrup shortages. Was it straight out of a dream? No it wasn’t... It was a Model United Nations Conference. John Abbott College hosted its second annual Model UN Conference on Saturday, April 14. The conference organizers, members of the United Nation John Abbott College (UNJAC), wanted to take their delegates into a fictional world, one which some may argue is not that fictional. Delegates from Marianopolis, Dawson and Vanier ar-rived at John Abbott College to find the classrooms of Hochelaga second floor covered in “Big Brother is Watching You” posters. This year’s JACMUN committee was based on George Orwell’s iconic novel 1984. The plot of the dystopian novel was thrown out, but the ideology and set-ting of the world inside were kept. For those who are unfamiliar with this politically charged piece of literature, the plot takes place in a world of per-petual war, persistent public mind

control and constant governmental surveillance, all of which is organized by a small elite group of people called the Inner Party. Half the conference’s delegates operated as the Inner Party Council, with their objective being the maintaining of total control. The only way they would lose control is if people awakened from their mind wash and there was an uprising. That’s where the other half of the conference came in. The Brotherhood Council functioned as a rebellion group, trying to cripple the Party and bring freedom to the people. In most Model United Nations (MUN) conferences, fiction-al committees are a less common occurrence. They are, however, a great treat to the lucky delegates who are able to attend them. JACMUN, being the last conference of the busy year for CEGEP students, was a plea-surable event, aimed at weaning off the average MUNer from the latest season of intense debate and rhetoric. Model United Nations conferences are simulations of the actual United Nations, and aim at educating the participants, or delegates, on current issues, diplomacy, and topics in inter-national relations. Delegates role-play diplomats, as well as NGO represen-tatives, discussing topics in a specific

UN organ. UNJAC is an internation-ally respected MUN club, which has won numerous awards. They have at-tended World MUN, McGill MUN, North America MUN, Secondary School United Nations Symposium, etc., as well as smaller CEGEP conferences such as Marianopolis MUN in the past. UNJAC will be ac-cepting new members into the club in the fall. M o d e l United Nations conferences really are a way of look-ing at our world and deciding for ourselves what the rights and wrongs are. It allows a lit-tle bit more understanding of the complicated is-sues that affect our lives and really forces the person to abandon their ignorance. After all, if 1984 really is a warning to us, it

clearly sends the message that knowl-edge is power and we the people should take the advantages we have to learn it, or as Orwell puts it, “If there’s any hope, it lies with the proles.”


BANDERSNATCHJohn Abbott College

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Sainte-Anne-de-Bellevue,

Quebec, Canada H9X 3L9

Phone: (514) 457-6610 ext. 5389

Fax: (514) 457-6091

Office: H-041

Web: http://www.bandersnatch.ca/

E-mail: [email protected]

Alexander Messina

Editor-in-Chief

Nevada McEniry-Hatajlo

Assistant Editor-in-Chief

Julianna Astorino

Campus Life Editor

Louisa Bielig

News Editor

Sierra Mon

Entertainment Editor

Jennifer Smiley

Arts Editor

Bee Clarke

Opinions Editor

Chloe Brynen

Games and Tech Editor

Henry Park

Sports Editor

Sarah Tayeh

Production Manager

William Mathieu

Assistant Production Manager

Laurent Thavarajah

Production Staff

Yasmine Mosimann

Production Staff and Office Manager

Zack Duma

Media Administrator

Adam Chan

Webmaster

Adam Chan

Banner Designer

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Dear Readers, It’s that time of the semester again and Volume 41 of Bandersnatch is f inally coming to a close. Along with all the schoolwork that invari-ably comes with the end of the winter semester comes the realiza-tion that these will be the last few weeks of my stay as a student here at John Abbott College. While these past two years have been fil led with challenge and hardship, it has been a blast to be able to participate in and then lead the production of this paper. I got to make a wonderful array of friends and acquaintances and to partici-pate in the day to day life here at the college. Bandersnatch was very much a refuge for me in the first weeks of school; I went to the meet-ings and helped out at production in order to meet new people. In it, I found an amazing network of sup-port in my daily student life, and as my predecessors left, I felt the obli-gation to give back what I had received. And so, as we near the end

of the semester, I can only hope that I fulfil led those obligations, and leave thanks to those who deserve it. First of all and most importantly is my brilliant staff of editors and writers. None of the 14 issues we published could have been complet-ed without their dedicated work and input, and they’ve set a great track record for future Banderites to live up to. I’d also like to thank Bill Mahon, Diane Boisvert and Jil l Gowdey at Student Activities for providing counsel and help in mat-ters in which we were inexperienced or uninformed. They do an amazing job and should get raises because they’re awesome. All the folks at shipping also deserve many thanks for letting us borrow a cart and using the eleva-tor. The newspaper would never have reached the stands without their help and getting to use the el-evators was immensely fun. And finally a thanks to all our readers. There would be no point in publishing the newspaper without you and I hope that we’ve

provided you with interesting and high quality content. Bandersnatch stands for the freedom of expres-sion of our student body and that was ultimately our objective throughout this volume. Whether it was supporting the right to protest, or fighting for our freedom of speech, we worked hard in order to ensure a fair bal-ance as a medium of communication in our community. That’s what Bandersnatch is, after all. And so, it is with great memories that I leave this school and newspaper. My experience here was one that I would replicate again if I could have the chance. I by no means leave without regrets, but I do leave happy of what I’ve done and that makes it all worthwhile.

Signed, Alexander Messina Editor-in-Chief

Letter from the Editor: Shnazz

Nelly-Ann Van Dorpe

Contributor

As part of their Integrative Seminar class, graduating students in the Creative Arts Literature and Languages program will be exhibiting in the Agora this Friday, April 27, the projects that they have spent countless hours working on in the last three months. In order to demonstrate the skills and abilities they have acquired in the competency based courses of the program, students in the Creative Arts program have produced projects in vari-ous mediums such as film, photography, animation, writing, and more, portray-ing themes of interest to them. They will be on display for all to see this Friday throughout the day and in the evening in our very own Agora—you know, that place you walk by at least a couple times a day? Come on in, don’t be shy! . Be prepared to be wowed by the creativity and diversity of student proj-ects with themes ranging from the Egyptian political and social unrest, to photography, art history, superheroes, tattoos, etc. Come support your peers and see what they’re capable of doing! See you there!

Hello Abbott students! SUJAC would like to con-gratulate the eight nominees who ran for the 5 SUJAC Executive positions 2012-2013: 3 for President:Ginger C astura , Alex Dub ois , and Antonio D’Opera; 2 for VP Internal: Ke nj a h B an f i e l d and Ad r i an a Cefis; 1 for VP Academic:Emily Roussos; 1 for VP Finance:Victor Mikolajczyk; and 1 for VP External:Roberta MacLean. The Elections took place on Monday, April 23, with Congress m e mb e r s h av i n g t h e r i g ht t o vote and a l l students welcome to attend. Keep posted on the S U J A C w e b s i t e ( w w w. s u j a c .c o m ) a n d t h e JA C O m n i v o x Portal where the names of your newly-elected SUJAC Executive m e m b e r s w i l l b e a n n o u n c e d . C o n g r a t u l a t i o n s t o t h e n e w Executive team 2012-2013.

You may have visited the SUJAC booths held in the Agora at both the diversity event as well as at Earth Day. Winners of the Water Quiz will soon be notified to come down to P-101 to pick up their prize—an eco-friendly SUJAC water bottle. Don’t forget, if you have a problem with a teacher or want to have a grade rev iewed, the SUJAC Office (P-101) is the place to come to speak with your VP Academic, Robyn Ochiai. The end of the semester is fast approaching and we encour-age you to stay strong. SUJAC wishes you the best of luck with your studies and your finals. Have a great summer!

C.A.L.L Exhibition


Brendan McGarryStaff Writer

Last Thursday’s variety show, “Music Legends,” was direct-ed, produced and performed in by Abbott’s own talented students, Ally Brumer and Jill Ohayon. Impressed by the duo’s drive and talent, Bandersnatch has interviewed them, and we’ve determined that they defi-nitely have a lot they can put on their résumés. A large part of why we were interested in interviewing them was because, before the variety show be-gan, the Student Activities Manager, Bill Mahon, got up on stage and an-nounced that Ally and Jill had won the Quebec Entrepreneurship Award. They also won an Outstanding Student Service award for their pro-duction of Rent last semester, which was their first demonstration of their potential. When they first approached Bill asking him if he thought it would be plausible to do a produc-tion of the musical Rent, he said he didn’t think so. They asked the opin-ion of the theatre students, and they also said no. Nonetheless, the two girls loaned $1,800 from Student Services to buy the rights for the

script, then did the casting, direct-ing, production (which cost $500) and even performed in it. Ally’s part in the production was more acting-oriented, while Jill’s part focused on singing. Ally and Jill have been performing on stage since the ages of six and eight, respectively. Some performers in the variety show had also performed in the play, including Peter who played Roger, Michelle who played Joanna, and Catherine, who danced in both shows and helped with the choreography. The show was so successful that they oversold, and on two nights after adding seats, performed for over 450 audience members. They got a $400 rebate on the script rights, paid back the loan from Student Services and the production cost, and then donated $1,300 to FARHA, an organization combatting AIDS. They had been interested in putting on Rent because, in their last year of high school, the girls had di-rected and produced a benefit show called “Safe and Sound,” the pro-ceeds from which went to the Missing Children’s Network. They were approached by the Appointment Centre and were told that they were able to apply for

the Quebec Entrepreneurship Contest, which they did. It took them several weeks to complete the application, and it involved copious amounts of paperwork and applica-tion essays. Ally is going to the John Molson School of Business for the Marketing Co-op program, and

The girls behind the magic of the variety show

Louisa BieligNews Editor

Like many CEGEPs and High Schools, John Abbott College organizes a Variety Show every year to offer gifted and creative students the chance to show off their talent to the college community. The shows are usually a great success and really fun to watch, especially when you find out that some of the quiet people you have been attending Western Civ or Linear Algebra with are actually great singers, dancers and performers. Much talent lies hidden behind the faces that we rush by every day in the hallways, so I decided to attend the show this year for the second time to enjoy a night full of creativity, movement and especially music. I had already observed the art-ists rehearse in the Agora a couple of times on my way home and was quite im-pressed by the persistence with which they were practicing their songs and per-formances. Especially the two main producers of the show, Ally Brumer and Jill Ohayon, must have spent days in front of that stage, giving directions and rehearsing acts themselves – it is really impressive that two students organized

the entire evening basically by them-selves (see the interview below). Another good reason for com-ing was that all benefits of the show were going to the “Make-A-Wish” Foundation, and the donation from the show on Thursday, April 12th must have been im-mense; the entire Agora was filled by the time the stage was bathed in headlights. As the show’s title “Music Legends” gives away, it was going to be full of great mel-odies and rhythms, but it truly topped my expectations! The performers really went the extra mile to not only have the background music playing on speakers, but to get piano music (Brendan McGarry), a guitar (Russel Wolfe) and bongo drums (Nabèle Chbeir) to accom-pany them, in addition to playing along themselves on the piano (Brandon Roy) and on the ukulele (Mara Vitols, Jesse MacPhee). Interestingly enough, the ukulele was played more often than the guitar, and Nabèle Chbeir’s drum skills were straight up impressive! The costumes deserved atten-tion as well: especially Victoria McMillan’s cloak in her performance of Madonna’s “Like a prayer”. The costumes in the “Lady Marmalade” act were also very authentic. Two of the highlights for

me were definitely the tributes to African-American women; Anita Gurley showed some attitude in her perfor-mance of Aretha Franklin’s “Respect” and also performed “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” by the recently de-ceased Whitney Houston together with Michele Abrowka and Kaykeria Bernard. Some performers should also really be congratulated for their courage: Jed-Clyde Bermillo seemed to be quite nervous before his act, but sang an abso-lutely great version of Elvis’ “If I can Dream”, and though not visibly nervous at all, David Hawkins really showed that he has guts when cross-dressing and

dancing to “Believe” by Cher. I honestly must admit that he looked a hell of a lot better up there than I probably would ever during a performance like that! In the end, I really loved the show and would say it was nothing short of memorable. Cameron Troyer really was a hilarious host and made the al-ready short breaks between the acts even shorter, and all the performers showed a lot of enthusiasm and talent. I will defi-nitely keep lots of good memories from this evening, and hope that most of you will be back or come for the first time to see John Abbott’s talent up on stage next year.

A truly legendary show

would like to go into event-planning and to continue doing benefit shows. Ideally, she’d like to be an actress but knows that it’s difficult to make it big. Jill is going into philosophy, and once wanted to be a popular singer, even having released an album, but she’s not actively pursuing that field.


Student protests turn violentChloe BrynenGames & Tech Editor

Student protests turned dan-gerous in Montreal this weekend, marking a continuation in the escala-tion of violence. On Friday, demonstrations were held outside Palais des Congrès while Quebec’s premier, Jean Charest, was there to speak with business leaders about his proposed Plan Nord, a development plan aimed to pump 80 billion dollars over 25 years into the province’s northern region and create an alleged 500,000 jobs. Some protesters man-aged to break into the building, but were soon carried away by police decked out in full riot gear. Protesters hurled projectiles at police, including bricks and rocks, and barricaded the road with potted plants and chairs. Stun grenades and tear gas were used to ward the pro-testers off, and some have accused the police of using unnecessary bru-tality with them. Two police officers were injured during the altercations, as well as two protesters; seventeen

North Korea is at it againWilliam MatthieuUnion Page Editor

Last week North Korea’s weather satellite launch failed. It is believed that the rocket broke up into many pieces a few minutes after take off and crashed into the Yellow Sea. The launch was expected by nearby countries, and necessary preparations were taken in case the rocket turned out to be malicious in nature. The project was reported to cost the country close to a billion dollars. It was supposed to showcase the country’s technological ad-vancements and was one of the events in celebration of the 100th birthday of North Korea’s president and founder Kim Il-sung. The mis-sile was also the first big test for the country’s new leader Kim Jong-un. The failed rocket ended up being ex-tremely humiliating for the Kim regime and was received negatively by almost every western power. The launch came at a time of increased tension within the region. Since as early as 1990, North Korea has been frantically attempting to develop nuclear technology. Over the years the country has run nu-merous missile tests, some even of

the long range ballistic variety. The last test was in 2006. It involved long range missiles that were launched off the country’s east coast into the Sea of Japan. This test and last week’s have made the UN Security Council and western coun-tries very anxious, given that such a missile has the capability of hitting targets as far as the west coast of the United States. To add to the West’s concern, North Korea has conduct-ed what is believed to be two underground nuclear tests. North Korea’s intensions are unclear. However, it is easy to conclude that the combination of this missile and nuclear technology being within the country’s reach poses a grave threat to many people. Many western powers and their allies condemned the recent launch; among them were the United-States, South-Korea, Canada, Japan, the Group of Eight, and the UN Security Council, not to mention the UN secretary-general Ban Ki-moon. The UN Security Council says that the launch ignored sanctions that prevent the country from developing nuclear and missile technologies. The US responded by temporarily stopping the shipment

of food-aid to the impoverished country. Canada asked why the funding for this expensive rocket was not used to feed the starving nation. North Korean media did not hide the failed launch, which was a surprising move, given that its me-dia corporations are tightly controlled by the government and any information discrediting the Kim regime is usually quietly and swiftly dealt with. To add to the gov-ernment’s odd behavior, shortly after the launch and subsequent

arrests were made in total on Friday. Protests continued on Saturday during the second day of the Plan Nord exhibition, although they were quickly declared illegal and ninety arrests were made. There was only one injury on the second day of protests, and some cars in the area were reported as vandalized. Earlier last week activists had set off a smoke bomb in a Montréal metro, delaying travel. In addition, last Thursday, 151 people were arrested following a protest in Gatineau, where they released hundreds of crickets into a university library and knocked holes into walls. The protests come on the heels of rising tension regarding a tu-ition hike in the province, which would raise prices by $1,625 over the next five years. Charest further upset protesters by joking that “we could offer them a job ... in the North, as far (north) as possible.” Charest has called the violence unacceptable, and added that there have been ministers who have found “tanks of gas on their verandas” and “Molotov cocktails in

front of their offices,” as well as re-ports of death threats. His speech was delayed following the protests, which were again declared illegal. Charest has insisted that his government has twice “extended their hand” to students willing to sit down and discuss the tuition raises, but not all student groups have con-demned the violence. CLASSE (Coalition large de l’Association pour

une solidarité syndicale étudiante) has refused to either denounce or praise these latest protest tactics. Education minister Line Beauchamp has also refused to meet with them until they speak out against the vio-lence. A group of 18 prominent Quebecers, including a former cabi-net minister, have issued a statement asking the Charest government to put an end to this “social crisis”.

failure, western reporters were led by North Korean officials to a cere-mony where two large statues of Kim John-Il and Kin Il-sung where unveiled to the North Korean people. What North Korea is up to is unclear and the country’s rogue be-havior is expected to continue with a third underground nuclear test. Its disregard to international sanctions means it will probably not cease to conduct missile tests, even with the current added international pressure.


A corpse, a scandal and a rapid downfall A fatal night in Cartagena Up until recently, Bo Xilai was one of the most powerful politicians of China’s Communist Party. He held the highest office in the city of Chongqing and was discussed for a promotion in his party’s power re-shuffling that takes place every decade. Now, the 62 year old official has been stripped of all his political responsibility and his job, and his wife Gu Kailai is suspected of mur-der. Falls from grace seem to happen awfully quickly in Chinese politics. The man who caused Xilai’s downfall would certainly agree—if he were still alive. “Overconsumption of alcohol”, Chinese officials claimed as the cause of death for 41-year-old British business man Neil Heywood. After his death in Chongqing on November 15, 2011, his family decided to cremate him, but many of his friends were astonished about the cause of death, because Heywood was said to be a moderate drinker. On March 26, the UK government confirmed that it had asked China to re-open the Heywood case, just to hear on April 10 that Bo Xilai, the man that Heywood met in Dalian in the ‘90s , was stripped of all his posts and that his wife was now a main suspect. To add to the general confu-sion, popular Chongqing police chief Wang Lijun was released from his job in early February and fled to the US embassy. He seems to have lost Xilai’s support and was mentioning him in re-

When the sixth Summit of the Americas took place on April 14 to 15, the ex-colonial city of Cartagena once again re-sembled a fortress: both the coast and the sky around the city were heavily protected by submarines, ships and helicopters. Only the 33 heads of state and their associates were al-lowed to pass the walls of the old town where the summit was to be held. The host, Colombia, saw this meeting as a chance to improve its reputation after much violence and chaos in the 1990s. The US was especial-ly keen to present itself as a valuable economical partner to the attending coun-tries, considering that Brazil is slowly becoming an influential counterpart to their power. While the delegations and the mili-tary were therefore both very focused on their work, the lack of discipline displayed by some US Secret Service officers overshad-owed any political news from Colombia. Twelve officers, who were supposed to pro-tect US President Barack Obama, were put on administrative leave due to “allegations of misconduct” before the president even ar-rived in Cartagena. They had caught the attention of police officers after a dispute be-tween a Secret Service staff member and an escort spilt into the hallway of a luxurious beach hotel. The 24-year old single mother had met the group of agents and military personnel in Cartagena’s now infamous Pley Club together with approximately twenty other women. They were taken back to the hotel to spend the night with the agents for a considerable amount of money. In her case,

Dealing with divorce: new tensions arise between Sudan and South SudanYasmine MosimannFuture News Editor. Good luck!

Escalating violence and ag-gressive rhetoric have erupted between the newly independent nation of South Sudan and its former counterpart Sudan, raising fear of a full all-out war. Oil has been at the heart of conflict be-tween the two countries since South Sudan gains independence in July 2011, and the city of Heglig seems to be the battlefield. Tensions began when South Sudan shut down its oil fields in January, in protest of Sudan’s high pipe-line transit fees. Although South Sudan gained control over the majority of oil fields through the separation last July, it still needs to transport this oil through Sudan’s territory, relying on oil for 98% of the country’s revenue. On April 10, South Sudan ad-vanced into Heglig, an oil-rich town belonging to Sudan according to inter-national borders. This came after South Sudan claimed that it had been the target of Sudanese airstrikes and a ground incursion. South Sudan stated that they have occupied the area to

lation to the Heywood case. The Chinese Communist Party is now desperately trying to extinguish all fires, e.g. by hacking the US based Chinese website Boxun that was fre-quently posting articles about the Xilai affair and linked Heywood’s death to potassium cyanide. Nevertheless, the few and therefore precious details of the scandal involving China’s political elite slowly begin to leak not only abroad but also back into the country through the uncontrollable internet. If the scandal keeps unraveling at the same speed as for the last three months, a couple more heads will certainly be rolling soon.

the woman claimed in an interview with the New York Times, a price of $800 was agreed on, but the next morning, her client was only willing to pay $30. The following argument lasted several minutes until they were separated. The client and his group of agents certainly faced more serious consequences than the women since prostitution is legal in Colombia. At least three agents have left their elite team as the scandal is further investi-gated. The Secret Service has immediately apologized for the lack of discipline within its units, but it seems like too much damage is already done, and the Summit at Cartagena will be remembered rather for a prostitution scandal than for political negotiations.

prevent Sudan from launching any more attacks on their land. They also dispute the claim that the area of Heglig is Sudan’s territory, arguing that it is rightfully theirs. UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon stated that the seizure of Heglig “is an infringement on the sovereignty of Sudan and a clearly illegal act”, also calling “on the government of Sudan to immediately stop shelling and bomb-ing South Sudanese territory and withdraw its forces from disputed territories.” On Friday, South Sudan stated that they would be withdrawing their troops from Heglig. Soon after, Sudan claimed that it had regained control over the area. Whether South Sudan withdrew from the area because of amounting international pressure or because they were chased out by Sudanese troops is still unknown. On Sunday, however, officials have claimed that Sudanese armed troops have launched a fresh set of of-fensives into South Sudanese territory. Deputy Director of Military Intelligence for South Sudan, Major General Mac Paul, said that Sudanese ground troops

have launched three waves of attacks, which “have come deeply in the South’’ and were part of a “continuous provo-cation from the Sudanese Army.” A full-scale war has been drawing closer and closer in recent months over unresolved issues such as oil revenues and border disputes be-tween Sudan and South Sudan. Released satellite photos of the Heglig area show a great deal of inflicted damage on key oil pipeline infrastructure. Although it

is impossible to know from these im-ages who is responsible for this damage, each country blames the other. The fact is that if these pipelines are not fixed and the conflict continues, neither country’s economy will be able to sus-tain itself. A hasty resolution would be in the best interest of each nation. This, however, may not be a realistic out-come with the amount of bad blood accumulated over the past thirty years.


Alex MessinaEditor in Chief

I’ve only just realized that I can use the newspaper as a means to get re-lief from the many annoyances, or first world problems, that I seem to have. John Abbott is home to many of these, so I’d like to be able to complain about things before I leave the school for greener (see: more difficult) pastures. One of the greatest annoyances I’ve had here at Abbott was people clog-ging the hallways. It’s infamous, and it’s very much due to the overpopulation of the school; I know that we’ve already complained about it. But it’s still there. I like getting to places as quickly as pos-sible. I don’t run, but I walk at a pretty fast clip. But then I’m immediately halt-ed by a circle of people who’ve suddenly decided it’d be cool to just stand IN A CIRCLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HERZBERG HALLWAY. There are places designed for hanging out and catching up with peo-ple, but main hallways and arteries aren’t one of them. In this category are also the slow walkers and the large groups sitting on the floor. When I need to get to class on time and I’m slowed to

a crawl because of traffic for no better reason than your socialization, you’ll have to forgive my evil glances. Another annoyance that I’ve had, and this is something that only my generation of science students will ever understand, is that we won’t be able to enjoy our very own science building. When I first learned of it two years ago (incidentally in the very first issue of Bandersnatch), I thought to myself that the new building would be awesome only to later learn that I was never meant to enjoy its comforts.

It is all the more bittersweet that I got to see it grow through two years’ construction and to cover its de-velopment as part of the Bandersnatch team. Leaving before it’s completely fin-ished and having had to live with the annoyances of its construction (we needed to move our meeting room for a couple weeks along with the closing of the Arctic Circle) is unfortunate be-cause of the missed benefits (less clogged hallways for one). I’ll be able to come and visit, but it wouldn’t be the same.

Another annoyance I’ve had is going to get a coffee at the cafeteria be-cause the munchbox didn’t serve the cheap one. I understand the franchising opportunities, I really do. Getting some extra money for only serving one type of coffee (or Coke having a monopoly on our beverages while I’m at it) makes perfect financial sense. Unfortunately, the Starbucks coffee offered at the Munchbox tastes like ass and is way too expensive. Also, since I mentioned the Coke monopoly, I’m going to add that to my list of annoyances. This has im-proved over the years, but the sheer difficulty of finding a drinking fountain definitely made me consider buying a Dasani water bottle from the vending machine. While you would argue that there are water fountains in most of the bathrooms, I would argue that that’s precisely why I don’t enjoy drinking from them. Well, that was my first and final two cents. Hopefully this has shed some insight on the workings of my thoughts. And who knows? Maybe some of these would have been dealt with if I’d shout-ed them out a year ago. Alas, I leave it to my successors to carry the torch.

First world problems

Zack DumaMedia Administrator

To my surprise and to any-one who hasn’t noticed, people are stil l protesting for the tuition hikes. They may have had a good cause but they had their time. Now it’s really just becoming a nuisance. I really had no idea it was stil l going on un-til last Sunday. Here’s what occurred. It was basically a regular Sunday for me I had some stuff to do and one of these tasks involved going down-town to fix a problem with my phone. Now I live real close to St. Catherine, so I went down to Place des Arts, came out of the metro and there was a problem. There had to be over two thousand protesters. The streets were blocked off. These penny pushing protesters were com-bined with the Earth Day people making a huge mob, where blue, red and even one or two green bands and clothes could be seen. Signs were around every corner saying ‘vote for you’ and ‘save our earth.’

Don’t get me wrong though, people are allowed to protest, what-ever and whenever they want. If you’re mad because you went to the bathroom at a Mickey D’s and your butt hurts because of it then go ahead make a sign and show your anger. The only problem I have is when people relentlessly come up to

you and tell you their life story as a way to guilt trip you into joining their cause. Some even get mad when you blow them off. Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t want to do something. If you read my past article about the tuition protests you’ ll know my thoughts on that, if not I’ l l give you the summary. It’s stil l cheaper than everywhere else so whatever. As far

Protest pesteringas going green goes, I’m all for it and I recycle and stuff but that day I got my dad to drive me to the met-ro to get down town and like I said I live down town so metro stations are like a 20 min walk from my house. My point is if I wanted to join your cause I would have al-ready. I can see the thousands of papers and cardboard signs (envi-ronment people). You coming up to me isn’t going to help anything it’s just going to piss me off and de-pending on my mood I may react differently. At first I was just like “sorry dude I don’t have time to protest” and then by the fifth or sixth person I just f lipped them off and walked away. I’m sorry if I have an attitude and time limit before I snap, maybe if I had time or if I cared enough I would join in. But seriously, people. Fine. Talk to me once, I understand, twice, maybe you have another sug-gestion, f ive times, I may punch you in the face.


Thomas RobinsonStaff Writer

Once again, there is very little to talk about when it comes to gaming news and highly-anticipated releases, so prepare yourself to read yet another self-indulgent article on one of my fa-vourite genres. This issue, I’m gong to focus on a type of game that is usually overlooked by those who lack pa-tience. These kinds of games require much more skill and finesse than your average shooter. At the same time, these games do away with the over-complexity that often burden “hardcore” RPGs. These games are stealth games, and they manage to rec-oncile several elements from different genres to create extremely gratifying experiences. The main draw of stealth games is that they deliver a kind of primal thrill. You know, that feeling you used to get-or still get-while play-ing hide and seek? The feeling when you can see others, but they can’t see you? That feeling that you’re some-where you’re not supposed to be, and nobody else knows that but you? Whether your infiltrating a military

How not to be seencomplex in Metal Gear Solid, blending into a crowd to avoid detection in Assassin’s Creed, or planning how to assassinate your target in Hitman: Blood Money, the feeling is always just as exhilarating as trying to steal cook-ies from the cookie jar when your parents aren’t looking. Stealth games also offer a large amount of satisfaction when you succeed. Instead of the instant gratifi-cation offered by most shooters, stealth games make you work for your reward, making you time every shot perfectly, check your surroundings constantly, and tread lightly all the time. Although this may seem boring, it actually offers a great challenge without being frustrating. When you get spotted in Metal Gear Solid, it al-most always feels like it was your fault, instead of the game’s fault. It makes you want to play more in order to im-prove. When you do improve and succeed, you feel great. There is no feeling like sneaking through an entire building in Deus Ex: Human Revolution without any of the enemy soldiers knowing you were there. It is also im-mensely fun to knock out a cook in Hitman: Blood Money, drag his uncon-scious body into a closet, change into

his uniform, walk into the kitchen, and then poison your target’s food, with no one being any the wiser. There are also a large variety of stealth games on the market. My personal favourite is the Metal Gear Solid series, which mixes up some great sneaking gameplay with a com-plex and moving story. There are also stealth RPGs, like Deux Ex: Human Revolution, which gives you the ability to upgrade your sneakiness. Finally there are games like Hitman: Blood Money and the Assassin’s Creed series, which give you a target to kill, then provide you with several options on

Playing art Chloe BrynenGames and Tech Editor

Games are art. I will never understand how that statement is controversial; peo-ple say that television is art, f i lm is art, music is art and comic books are art. Stil l, when you proudly pro-claim that video games are art you might get more than a few suspi-cious glances and a couple of scoffs. Being a film-buff is considered le-gitimate, but being a gamer is considered trivial; saying games are art sometimes insults people, as if it is demeaning to include games in the same breath as other artistic mediums. However, games are art. I am surprised that there are people who would disagree, al-though I’ve come from a life so inundated with the power of games that it can be hard for me to see the other side. It’s as if the word games is somehow lesser ; people mistak-enly equate games with something purely juvenile and frivolous. Instead, I see games as something else; I see them as experiences that let us occupy the lives and worlds of

different characters for a few min-utes or a few hours at a time. You can’t play a game with a story like Mass Effect’s or Heavy Rain’s and come out saying games don’t have powerful narratives that rival those of other mediums. Games can also be visually stunning, and their visual merits alone qualify them as art. Look at today’s game environments, charac-ter designs and beautiful scenes: from super stylized to the ultra-re-alistic, games look incredible. They also have the difficult task of having

to integrate gameplay in with graph-ics; unlike other mediums, games are played, they are stretched to their limits and designs have to make sure that everything is always functional. Games have to portray emotion, struggle, and all sorts of things, while always remaining fun; after all, if a game is no fun, then no one will play it. Think of the musical scores in games, too. Whether it’s the Mario theme inspiring nostalgia or a track from Skyrim making you feel nothing less than epic, game

music is incredible and is only get-ting better. Game music conjures up emotion and inspires awe, blending in seamlessly with the game itself. Just exactly how is that not artistic? Games are artistic experi-ences that are waiting to be played and discovered. Game isn’t a juve-nile or lesser word, it’s a great one; game is four letters that somehow manage to capture entire worlds and spectrums of human emotion. Games are wonderful, and they are art.

how to kill them…in the sneakiest way possible. There are several other stealth games out there that I have not named, but unfortunately they do not out-number the bland shooters and soul-crushingly hard RPGs that clut-ter the shelves of contemporary game stores. Stealth games create a happy medium between these two types of games, offering a challenging-but rarely frustrating-experience that brings great self satisfaction upon completion. They also taught me how to sneak up on unsuspecting newspa-per readers. BOO!


The door slams shut and I fall onto my bed. My sheets hold the smell of citrus and I breathe it in, as I wish that the last twenty four hours didn’t happen. I stop think-ing about today and start thinking about the future, which I seem to have done at least one day a week. Years from now, I’m sure all of this will seem insignificant and all I’ll have left is the bittersweet nostalgia of my time in this limbo.

My first kiss smelled of orange tic-tacs, you know the ones that taste slightly tart. The first time I got drunk, all I can remember is the smell of the lemon Lysol cleaner in the bathroom, and my first lie to someone I loved tasted sour in my mouth. Oh! And my first “A” was a sweet and nice reminder of what I can accomplish. The first time I was betrayed, it stung for days.

Seems strange how all these important events happen here in limbo. This place where we are all just bidding our time, until we can get out and into the world. The walls and people here are like fruits in a basket.

I think most of us here are tangerines. We smell young and fresh, clean even. Most of us not yet ripe, we’re sour or we just like being that way. Or maybe we’re just sweet and tangy. We sting on an open cut and sometimes the sweet juice just slides over our fingers and we chase it with our eager tongues.

I don’t want to be one of those tangerines that sit in the fridge all day. Getting colder and colder until you can’t smell the tart and pungent smell from the skin, left in the cold, forgotten.

I want to be in that basket, waiting to be picked up and cut open. Exposed. Free into the world and unto somewhere new.

Laura Desneiges GauthierContributor

Anton

Adolescence Is The Smell Of Tangerines

Sarah TayehProduction manager


Waiting

Jennifer SmileyArts Editor

Come and Discover

India, Thailand Nepal and Bali

“Unique and exotic clothes, accesories, handycraft objects, gift items and

meditation objects.”

Salon De Sourcils

ThreadingEyebrowsWaxingFacial

By Appointment

60, Rue Sainte Anne

Sainte-Anne de Bellevue

514-993-7577

[email protected]

We would be pleased to welcome you!

Hello, Window - Spiderwebbed window. Black widow, Tiny black widow. Small black dot of night, Bathed in passing light. Little black widow,Shining by the window.

Window

Evan BuckwietzContributor


Dances with Goats

Alexander Messina

Angelina Jolie of catsNevada McEniry-Hatajlo

Charlie SheenLouisa Bielig

Doctor ShnazzJulianna Astorino

Gossip QueenBee Clarke

Zac Efron’s AbsChloe Brynen

Jenny from the blockJen Smiley

Perez HiltonSierra Mon

Not Don CherryHenry Park

The JokerSarah Tayeh

Paris HiltonYasmine Moisaman

Jim Carrey’s laughZack Duma

Leaping ChanAdam Chan

Camera lighterLaurent Thavarajah

Justin Bieber’s feverWilliam Mathiew

Slanderbatch is an insert that makes an appearance every seven (7) issues of Bandersnatch. Everything in this sec-tion is a complete work of fiction and satire. None of it is meant to be taken seriously. It seems like it’s obvious, but every year a few people get all worried about the crazy things they read here. Fools. Remember Sticks & Serag.

SlanderbatchSlanderous Events

Marriages

Are Awesome

Get the in depth dirt on our staff ’s wedding“I was there, and it was pretty cool, I enjoyed the food I guess.”“You’ll be surprised at how much I don’t care.”“I really appreciated all the farm animals.”


The JokerNude Dancer Director (If you know what I mean)

The life of paparazzi is a tough one. You must know at all times of the day, where the subject of your stalking is and where they will be next. My own personal targets are the staff of Bandersnatch. Why, you wonder? Aren’t I myself a member? The reason is sim-ple; by far the members of this elite group of quirky students are the most interesting peo-ple in the school. I joined myself to facilitate my stalking. Just watching them day by day as they go on with their school life, like the ce-lebrities they are, can fill up my day with a strange satisfaction like nothing else. I sit in my little corner and take pictures despite their protests and think to myself how lovely they will look on my ultra secret blog. I also ask them a lot of questions under the guise of small talk to find out what class they have next, to their homework assignments, what they did over the weekend and their celebrity crushes. They were a surprisingly easy group to penetrate despite what I had originally thought of the strange group of people in the basement of Abbott right across from the Oval. They are not the anti-social strange people you think they are. I would reveal to you the names of

those I am most interested in if I thought it wouldn’t hinder my ability to stalk them properly. Sometimes I wonder about what would happen if I were to reveal my true in-tentions to them. I have tried several times to tell them that the person outside their win-dows at night is me yet they all laugh it off, believing that I could not be capable of such a ruse. Would they be happy to know of my devotion? Of how I regard their prestige with awed and jealous eyes? Their beautiful smiles like sunshine as they speak about the mun-dane things in life? To live the life of a stalker one must be dedicated and able to preserver during harsh times to get the right scoop. The best times is when they are in action, in their own zone as they work hard to achieve perfection in their sections. Alas, now I don’t know what to say nor what I was trying to say. I have been blinded and become prey to the awe-someness of the Bander crew.

The sad life of a Bandersnatch stalkerGossip QueenTexter Extraordinaire

Gossip Queen here, bringing you the inside stories to the scandalous lives of Bandersnatch elite. Alex Messina, the Queen Bee of newspapers, was spotted eating chocolate during lent while rushing to complete his or-ganic lab report. Doing too much research into goats and advil? I think we have a TMI story on our hands here! Nevada, caught skipping class again? Our sources tell us that she’s been skipping all her Monday stories to spend time with small children. I feel like we may have a scandal on our hands. Will we ever find out or will she dance her way out of this one too? Jen and Chloe burning books? Certainly seems like they want to. Are they burning the evidence of their pouring over Zach Efrons abs or simply fed up with school? Because let’s face it, there are better parts of Efron’s body to pour over. If you know what I mean? Yasmine, switching programs? It feels like this girl can’t just make up her mind about anything, it’s like the carb story all over again. Will this work out for her, or will we be seeing her back in C.A.L.L after a semester? Bee Clarke? She says she’s engaged

but there’s no ring on her finger. Is it all a hoax to cover up her love affair with Sarah, or is it sincere? Her and her lovable hobo seem to be working out just fine, but what will the future hold? Sarah was recently caught red handed stalking her co-workers facebook pages. Despite her denial, we all know better. How else would she know where we live? How else would she know when we’re asleep? Keep an eye on her! Is Zach stealing Julianna’s spot-light? Will she be ousted as the campus queen as he leaves his loud marks all over it? Will Julianna be able to step up and stop this? Who can stand the heat? As the drama rises and the sun sets, who in Bander will get burnt? Does William think those braces will save him? Or does Louisa think her pile of homework will make her untouchable?

The inside scoop

Doctor ShnazzAnd stuff

Being an investigative jour-nalist is tough work, especially when your main news source has his hands down his pants all day and is showing up behind a different bar every second night. You try follow-ing that trail of prostitutes and peanuts. Anyway, what are you do-ing? Sitting down, studying? Yeah, good luck finding a real job with that. I digress. Through my many years of experience I have learnt a thing or two from the beautiful, broken people of Hollywood. I thought I’d share some of this col-lected wisdom with you. 1. When you’re rich, you can afford to spend all the money you have. I’m looking at you Nicolas Cage. No, do not be fooled, celebri-ties have an infinite supply of money. And when that seems to start to get a little too low, it just magically replenishes itself. Then they spend it again. 2. You guys, they’re real people too. Yup, underneath that plastic face and skin that I’m pretty sure is made out of money, there’s a

person inside there. A person who has more suitors on their arm than freckles, but a person nevertheless. 3. Famous people have all been bullied. Yeah, remember that time before the spotlights were on them? No? Well they sure do. And they will assure you that before they made it big, they were the most picked on kid in school. Thrown in garbage cans, teased, and pushed

around, they’ve seen it all and then some. Oh, you’ve been there? Don’t forget, they have too. 4. They all just want a nor-mal life. That’s why they only buy those three cars instead of the five they really wanted. They walk their dog, ride their bike, and buy tam-pons. Hey, sometimes they don’t even wear makeup. They’re all just really big dorks who are known by

The 7 things I’ve learnt about celebritiesthe world. But they really do make an effort, and it shows. 5. When you’re at a party with them, don’t say hi. You must understand that these people are at the top of our Winning Pyramid (meaning that they’ve won the most in life). They are infinitely more lucky, brilliant, and talented than you. So don’t have them waste their breath on you. Want to go give Paris Hilton a hug? Don’t. But like you would have wanted to anyway. 6. They all love everything, unless they don’t. Dogs are super cute. So are iguanas, and ugly dolls, and that Komodo dragon over there. But the second they get a weird looking food on their plate, it’s like the world gets turned inside out and thrown up by their pet cat, Princess. 7. They have the best hair. Celebrities are great. They provide endless hours of entertain-ment without so much as lifting a finger. No wonder they have money coming out their nose. No, in all se-riousness, I’m sure most of them are like this. Except Jennifer Lawrence. Darling, you are f law-less.

Slanderbatch


Obituaries

The JokerCamera director

It happened on an ordinary day like today, that our dear Louisa passed on from this world in the most expected yet unexpected manner we could think up of. After going on an hour long tangent about McGill’s University international students of-fice, while working on her dossier, our now dearly departed Louisa got a paper cut. Now this was no ordinary pa-per cut, as it would prove it to be later on. It was the start of a series of strange events that weren’t so strange to whom they were happening too. After looking down at her hand mid rant, Louisa in typical fashion fainted at the sight of her own blood oozing from her hand. Surprisingly she recovered quickly af-ter having her hand ridiculously bandaged up she was on her merry way once again…. However not an hour later she

got another paper cut and then another and the blood of her fist paper cut be-gan seeping through the bandage. She feinted once again and was sent to the hospital for sever blood loss. After an agonizing battle for her life against annoying nurse’s, over crowded rooms, other patients and in-competent doctors, Louisa finally made it out of the hospital victorious and ready to start on life after Bandersnatch. But that was not to be so, for no one goes on after Bander, do they??? Axe Warrior, Louisa’s rival from the past, came up from the shadows around the corner of the hospital and struck her down. With a mighty cry she passed on the steps of the hospital in the most dignified pose she could muster. The last of us living all mourn her loss and hope that you will all send your condolences to the remaining sur-vivors of Bandersnacth and send in articles to NEWS next semester in re-membrance of Louisa the great Axe Warrior.

Gossip QueenMaster texter

In a dark saloon, Adam Chan sat at a table, surrounded by his hoes, waiting for his bro-friend to arrive. He tilted his top hat down to shade his eyes and pulled out his pocket watch to check the time. That’s when he heard the saloon doors swing open. He looked up and saw three men there. He knew instantly they were not there to enjoy a good steak and to discuss fiscal policy. The saloon stayed quiet and tension grew thick. Adam quickly stood up and screamed “FUN!” as he kicked over a table. The three men drew their revolvers right as he ducked behind the table. He knew he had all the aggro and there was no help to be found from his hoes. As the three men, who Adam deduced were bounty hunters, reloaded, Adam jumped up and killed the first one on the left with shurikens and lightening. He then did a bullet-time action roll while screaming, “Get on my level!” The second man fell from a kick to the head by Adam’s man-boots. The third foe was much more wise. He pulled out a shotgun and began shooting the beams the held up the balcony above Adam. Soon, the balcony collapsed, and while Adam did avoid the massive wooden structure, all his hoes that were on the balco-ny unfortunately smothered him to death. His hoes then carried him out of the saloon and to a nice place in the woods nearby where they gave him the funeral he deserved. They tied 1000 diamond encrusted grenades to his body and catapulted him into the night sky where he exploded into a glorious constellation.

Leaping ChanHat God bearer

Today, we mourn the loss of for-mer editor in chief David Alexander. David was many things to everyone, a friend, a stu-dent in search of deeper thought, a leader. These were some of the things that made David such a wonderful person. However, what many people don’t know about David, was his lust for blood. While David was editor in chief, he insisted that his successor be decided by their ability to combat several armed bears, as was the age old tradition (ca. 2010). Due to sev-eral lengthy discussions, and some over looked loop holes, David’s successor was able to avoid this challenge entirely, a feat that did not sit well with him. David decided to take on this chal-lenge himself, both to prove his superiority, and just for fun. Like a majestic eagle piloting a blimp, David managed to best all 20 of the bears, each armed with grenades, automatic weapons and chainsaws for teeth. Sadly, what David didn’t know was that the couple of

scratches he received during the fight came from the one bear that had rabies. This caused David to run amok in a wild, rabies induced rage. While pillaging small townships, he constantly shouted un-intelligible things such as: “BEAR FORM! “E! Q! Q! W! R!”, “INFINITY EDGE!”, and “Oh look, there’s 600 gold right over there.” This went on for some time, until a team of hamsters with venomous mush-rooms finally managed to subdue him him tranquilizers. As David’s weakened body writhed on the cold hard ground, an uniden-tified, burly, shirtless man arrived to read explicit passages from the adult novel “BEARS”, in a sultry, suggestive tone. As David’s life came to an end, “Nooo! My Elooooo....” were the last words to escape his lips. The unidentified burly man promptly readjusted his suspenders and left just as mysteriously as he had arrived. For those wishing to pay their respects, David’s body will be thrown into the Walrus Pit this upcoming Friday. Good night sweet prince, and may a chariot of cat form angels sing thee to thy rest.

Dances with GoatsProfessional Loiterer

William Mathieu, also known as the “Ass. Prod. Man”, the “One With Many names” and the dedicated friend, William was a greatly loved member of the team, who also doubled as an awe-some scientist. In short, he had many awesome qualities and was awesome but ironically found his end at the hands of success. One night, while toiling on the newspaper as per usual, he had the glim-mer of a fantastic idea. It would change the world. As he got home, he set up shop and created a working time ma-chine because plot twists are fun. It would prove to be his one and only con-tribution to science as he travelled back before the time of invention of his ma-chine; a move that has been deemed as bad by his successors. That is, if they had ever existed. Because, you see, he trav-elled to the beginning of the universe to prove the Big Bang theory. What he didn’t and couldn’t have known, was that observing the big bang changed it be-cause that’s how quantum theory works. It was so awesome that it didn’t happen and he ended up cancelling reality. That’s a badass ending if I’ve ever seen one.

Laurent was a kind and hon-est member of the paper who helpfully gave a hand in production and also had time to be a good stu-dent. He was so good at keeping track of his work, that it never got lost. It was like one of those games

of tag where you’ve set up cameras around the house and placed gps trackers in your friend’s clothes if you’re a psychopath that is. Laurent was no psychopath though, and was actually the most grounded, smart individual I’ve known in my entire time here at Abbott. Unfortunately, just as the entire staff bit the bullet, so did he. He always seemed to do his job and call it a day. It was a charming trait that revealed a great deal of professionalism but it also spelt his doom. He was in fact, sav-ing orphans from floods and forest f ires. One day, while saving orphans from a hospital being struck by an earthquake, his dedication got the better of him and he went back in to save the children. He was never seen again.

Here was an editor who knew how to put down a section. Taking the reins of sports after years of misuse by people who only cared for it as an after-thought. He propelled the section into glory, what we now know as the awesome times. Alas, his time with it would soon run out. You see, Henry was a sports jour-nalist by day, but a web slinging crime fighter by night. I only reveal this to you post mortem, for his heroics must be told and his memory deified. He saved the en-tire city of Montreal from numerous alien attacks and even helped pacify a few hock-ey riots amongst other things. He was a true champion that he fell prey to his one and only weakness: an arrow to the knee.

Zac Efron’s AbsShirtless

We are sorry to announce that on April 23, 2012, Jennifer “JJ Smilez from the block” Smiley was found dead in her bedroom, surrounded by a pile of philosophy textbooks and course packs. Investigators are uncertain whether or not there was any foul play involved, but a toxicology report showed that there was an abundance of coffee in her sys-tem. “She hadn’t been sleeping much,” an anonymous source explained, “she kept waking up and screaming monads dur-ing the night.” Jennifer will always be remem-bered for her killer dance moves, manly voice and calm personality. “I am abso-lutely devastated,” Jennifer’s longtime boyfriend, Chad Michael Murray, said in an interview following the news, “Jen was my muse.” Fashion mogul and good friend Tyra Banks also spoke out about Jen’s death: “That girl really knew how to smize!” she said during a live web pod-cast only minutes after Jen’s untimely departure. Even Nicolas Cage released a statement, and tearfully announced that “the world has stole Jennifer from us, sort of like how I’ve stolen the declara-tion of independence but not as awesome.” He then rode off on a motorcycle. A funeral service will be held soon; mourners are encouraged to make a generous donation to Jen’s favourite charity, Hope for Victims of Liberal Arts, a fitting tribute to a girl we have so tragi-cally lost.

Louisa Bielig David Alexander

Adam Chan Jen Smiley William Mathieu

Laurent Thavarajah

Henry Park


Obituaries

Angelina Jolie of CatsCat collector

Born Timothy Gale on January 26, 1990, died December 15 2011 tragically by cute overload. Tim was on his way back from The Casual Sport when he received the first video through his phone. He was on the in-ternet later that night when his girlfriend bombarded him with adorable cat and other cute creature videos. His heart supposedly stopped when he opened the original sur-prise kitty video and shortly after he fell unconscious when the cat continued to purr. Forensics found that he might have tried to leave his room, looking for his roommate Serag, to help him. Neighbors in his apart-ment building heard him screaming for her to stop, but internet data says that she sent him over a thousand videos, most of which included purring and/or meowing kittens. The moment, however, of his demise was be-lieved to have been when he opened up a video of baby red pandas playing in the snow. Reporters have found that the supposed girl-friend tried to clear her browser history before police showed up, but surprisingly, the missing roommate, Serag Bulur, showed up at her house and confronter her. They fought to the death and in the end, the girlfriend whipped out her secret weapon: dogs reunit-ing with their owners who were returning

from Iraq as soldiers. Both Tim and Serag were put to rest a couple days later, side by side in matching mahogany coffins, and the supposed girlfriend is nowhere to be found.

Born July 8 1993, died early Sunday morning, JuliannaAstorino sud-denly passed away after she electrocuted herself while she was finishing up her IA as-signment. For her sciency class, she decided to make a human brain and failed to double check the electrodes she bought at her local sciency store. The electrodes were radioac-tive and while she was connecting each part of the brain together, she stuck her finger in the amygdala and in consequence, her heart was overwhelmed by the syntax of the science related special brain parts. The elec-trodes dispersed radioactive particles throughout her body and she stood there stunned and awaiting her new radioactive powers. Her last words were something along the lines of ‘for science!’ and she fell to the ground, foaming at the mouth. Her body disappeared soon, and her family was unaware of what happened to her. Throughout the city, Julianna-shaped holes can be seen throughout. She is expected to be wandering around, smashing anything in her way and shouting ‘I should have gone into C.A.L.L!’ She will be missed.

Jenny from the blockRock stalker

Unfortunately, the Games editior, Chloe Brynen has left this earth in an act of rebellion, brought on by her unrequited love of Nicolas Cage. After years of developing her own Neo-Marxist theory she brought it to the masses and proclaimed Nic Cage as the prophet destined to free the proletariat from their class strug-gle, and was condemned by team rocket because they wouldn’t be able to exploit pikachu theft funds with her theories in play. Unfortunately, by fighting for the honor of Nicholas Cage, she was sentenced to a Team Rocket style death. Her limbs were attached to separate rocket ships that were set off in different directions. A passive bystander observed that Chad Michael Murray tried to save her from her sentence, but she didn’t want him to ruin the rococo styled beauty of his face, so she gave herself up to the rocket ships. Her right arm remains on Mars; to this day, she is shaking her fist in revolutionary contempt.

The editors of this public pa-per have sent a basketball to mars, in honor of CMM’s noble attempt to save Brynen from imminent death, and so that she will forever be shooting hoops in space... which is her meta-phorical heaven. Her last words, before being blown into the sky, were passionate, and raging. This was her last attempt at proclaiming her love of Nicolas Cage to the masses. “I love you Nicolas Cage! My head is forever a part of the Game!”

Justin Bieber’s FeverElogy writer

His Imperial Excellency and Royal Majesty, Alexander Messina, Editor-in-Chief of Bandersnatch news-paper, MD, Biologist, Night of the Order of the Phoenix, Doctor of laws, Noted author and Poet, Lord of all the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, Goat tamer, Ninja, and Editor-in-Chief of Bandersnatch newspaper has passed last weekend. One lonely night, Alex was finishing his Nobel Prize ac-ceptance speech (he found the cure for super-duper-aids-cancer by the way, no biggie) at his private alpine research facility, when suddenly Bruce Lee crashed through the upstairs window scattering shards of glass all over his favorite classy-as-f**k rug. Overwhelmed with disapproval (Alex does not get mad) Alex spliced flying zombie genes with some farm animals he had in his lab for tests and stuff, don’t ask. The flying zombie farm ani-mals attacked Bruce Lee without hesitation killing him instantly and then turned on Alex. He was able to fight off the chickens because chickens are stupid and the cows were kind of slow and couldn’t fly very well. The sheep, however, pinned him down and slowly started eating him. Sheep are slow eaters so he was gradually

devoured from his feet-up over several hours and was conscious the entire time. He died very painfully. Alex leaves behind his wife, his 7.2 children, his 16 goats, and some flying zombie farm animals. So like, take cover.

Jim Carrey’s laughSleep Walker

It was supposed to be a normal day, the day Nevada McEniry-Hatajlo died. She woke up, did her morning routine and left for school. It may have been the smell in the air or it may have been something completely different. Something, however, about this day (April 19, 2012) didn’t feel right at John Abbott. Once she walked into the school, Nevada could clearly see what was so smelly about the situation. Pandas. Pandas were everywhere, crap-ping on peoples days, literally and figuratively. For some reason these pandas could talk and were yelling at everyone, telling them what to do and how to do it. This of course blew Nevada away. “Why are these creatures being so mean?” she shouted. “Why oh why?” It was only a few seconds before one spotted Nevada and exclaimed “join us and follow our ways or face the consequences!” Now Nevada doesn’t take this kind of talk from anyone so naturally she responded “No!” fol-lowed by some terms which cannot be uttered again. “You close minded fool!” said the oversized teddy bear. It came towards her with a roar and Nevada fled. She ran and ran all the way to the Bander room. Inside the office, from behind one of the paintings, the actual

Bandersnatch burst though to help and stand by Nevada against the panda bear onslaught. The battle was viscous, bloody and sure as hell pissed P.E.T.A off. In the end, the Bandersnatch stood tall over a thousand bloody panda corpses, unfortunately holding Nevada’s cold body which was unfortu-nately lost in the battle.

Tim Gale

Julianna Astorino

Chloe Brynen

Alex Messina Nevada McEniry-Hatajlo


with Sierra Mon

Sarah TayehProduction Manager

Just in case you hermits don’t know, Sugar Sammy is Canadian comedy from right here in Montreal, and was here at John Abbott last semester to do a short show for us in the Agora. This past Friday, on April 20, I had the pleasure of going to one of his shows at Olympia Hall. It was a fantastic show and very interesting to watch because it was the first time I’ve seen a practiced script of someone intentionally speaking both French and English. Normally we hear this every day here in Montreal, since it is a bilingual city, but we speak this way un-consciously, so this intentional use of it was strange, to say the least. While Sugar Sammy is a come-dian on an international level, the jokes in his “You’re Gonna Rire” show are mostly intended for the local residents here in Montreal. They get you interested in what other kind of jokes he puts in his shows in other places. Unsurprisingly tickets went fast for this bilingual show that was originally only meant to be an experiment and

shown once. However with such positive feedback one could only continue. Over 30 shows for “You’re Gonna Rire” sold out quickly and dates kept on getting added. This was how I was able to get tickets in the first place, and in such a great place too. You wouldn’t believe it, but my brother and by extension me got to be a little part of the act as he did one of his middle-eastern jokes with a little improvisation because of how close we were sitting. This was also the first time I bought a ticket and went to go see a co-median, and I was not disappointed by the experience: Sugar Sammy is very in-volved with his audiences and includedmany people into the jokes, weaving their names in and out of other practiced jokes. Always improvising, he came up with jokes about the sound of someone’s laugh, their name, age (my brother’s), arriving late and coming back after taking a phone call among other things. Did you know that Sugar Sammy was born on February 29 and also chose this day to debut his Franglais show, which was originally planned as a one

time thing for his birthday here in Montreal? Sugar Sammy isnow 36 years old and has toured in 5 continents. He has been very well received in not only other places in Canada but also in the U.S. where he has started to headline the clubs now, and everywhere else in the

You’re gonna piss tes pantalonsworld that he’s been touring, including England, South Africa, Ireland and Holland. There are bright and big things ahead for Sugar Sammy and I highly rec-ommend you go see one of his shows and get your tickets soon, it doesn’t look like there are much left.

Nevada McEniry-HatajloAssistant Editor-in-Chief

A while back, my boyfriend told me that a couple of his friends were in a band called The Comedy. I’m very open to any kind of music, so naturally I went on-line and downloaded their first album. Not only was I pleasantly surprised, the album became something I listened to every day. When I actually got to meet one of the members, Tom Fellows, I was even more in-trigued about the band. I jumped at the chance to interview them. There are too many things I want to write about them; it’s overwhelming. The Comedy consists of four very talented guys: Pasquale D’Alesio, their singer, Mitchell Brown, their guitarist, Tom Fellows, their bassist and Costa Kalafatidis, their drum-mer. They all met in high school and have been together as The Comedy since November 2010. Their first album is called “Deadlights” and you can download it for free off their website thecomedymusic.com until they launch their CD. (You can also like them on facebook at facebook.com/thecomedymusic.) The reason I love them so much is that usually, when you hear about a friend’s band, they’re either mediocre or not what you were expecting, but The Comedy have made music that is just phenomenal to

listen to. It’s music that teams with passion and emotion. It certainly shows when you ask them about it because they are all so concentrated, motivated and focused on working together. All of them agreed that concentrating on the success of the band has become something not only important, but necessary to them. It’s refreshing to see a band so driven and devoted to the sound and the feel of their music. But why ‘The Comedy’? Pasquale had a song called ‘The Comedy’ that they played at one of their first jams, and they liked the sound of the name. More impor-tantly however, their album has a mysterious and dark factor to it. They all liked the irony their name delivered because of that. They all agreed that Radiohead was a major influence for them. When asked about other influences, Pasquale said, “Whenever I get asked this question, a mil-lion names come to mind. We live in a society full of information nowadays. It’s not like it what it used to be for a musician. You really have influences everywhere. As soon as you pick up a Wagner score, you might find chords that are interesting, or a progression that’s interesting, or a texture that’s interesting that you can apply to your music. I’m really happy that I spent so much time studying that type of music because it gives me the outlet to finding these little things that we can apply to our songs.” “And

the other side is not only music. We’re kind of pop culture whores,” said Tom. Mitch clarified to me that ‘Deadlights’ is actually from the book It by Stephen King, a favorite author of his. Other influences include David Lynch, classical music and “The Matrix too, anything cool,” says Costa. “We usually just watch a movie and then we would jam.” The Comedy is constantly trying to one-up themselves. They told me that they

Local band you should check out: The Comedyreally don’t want to fall into a mould which is why they admire Radiohead so much. I really do applaud and appreciate them for that. The future will bring plenty of oppor-tunity for them. In the meantime, they are just constantly working on new things, add-ing, subtracting and cutting the fat with their producer and sound engineer, David ‘The Wolf ’ Traina. I would absolutely rec-ommend them to anyone. Go check them out as soon as you can!


Sports with Henry ParkInterview with Kelly Sudia of the Montreal StarsCasey DulsonStaff Writer

I had the opportunity to interview Kelly Sudia who’s the assistant captain of the Montreal Stars. They are part of the CWHL and they just recently won the Clarkson cup for the second straight year. The Clarksom cup is equal to wining the Stanley cup in their league. When Kelly isn’t playing hockey she’s working as an academic advisor at John Abbott. Q: How did you get involved in hockey? And how did your career begin?A: I started playing ringette, but I always wanted to play hockey. However there was no women’s hockey i Lakeshore at the time, so with a bunch of friends of mine and a parent, we convinced Lakeshore to have a team in 1994 when I was fourteen. I went to Saint Thomas HS and helped create the first wom-en’s hockey team there in 1995 and played for Saint Thomas from 95-97. Then I went to John Abbott and played for the women’s hockey team there, however there was no col-lege teams at the time so we played against university teams instead. After John Abbott I went to play for the Concordia Stingers from 2000-2005.Q: How long have you been working at John Abbott, how do you balance work and your hockey career?

A: I worked at John Abbott part time in 2000 to 2005 while I was in university. In 2005 I started working full time. Hockey is always at night and games are played on the weekends. I used my Vacation time when we were on the road and I planned the vacation through hockey.Q: How long have you been playing for the Stars and how long have you been assistant captain for the team?A: I’ve been playing for the Stars for seven seasons and I’ve been assistant captain for five seasons.Q: How does it feel to be assistant captain? What’s it like?A: I enjoy it. We have a lot of leadership in the lockeroom. Some people laed by example like Caroline Ouellette. I’m the middle man be-tween the players and the coaches.Q: What’s it like playing with players with Olympic experience?A: They bring so much to the game with their knowledge, they are like coaches and when it comes to champship they know what they are doing because they had experience.Q: Did you go to the IIHF women world champship in Burlington Vermont?A: I was there the whole week supporting my teammates. They were happy that we sup-ported them. They are part of the Montreal stars and are recognized at a national level as affiliates of the Montreal Stars.

Q: What’s your opinion on fighting in the NHL?A: It’s not necessary every game but some-times you have to scrap to take care of business and you need to set the tone of the game.Q: Who’s your favorite professional hockey player?A: Henrik Zetterberg and Jarome Iginla. My favorite female hockey player is Marie-Philip Poulin.Q: What’s the highlight of your career?A: It was winning the Clarkson cup for sure , actually it was wining three of them in a row.

The first one was in 2009(the very first Clarkson cup) and then again in both 2010 and 2011.Q: If the Canadian women’s hockey team asks you to play for Canada, would you say yes?A: No way. I love hockey but not that much. I don’t see myself at the gym ev-eryday and you have to watch your weight. If my full time job was playing for the Montreal stars, then yes. But I don’t have the commitment, the disci-pline, or the passion for the game that these girls have. You need to be at 125% all the time.

Salary Cap needed in Major League BaseballMatthew ShanahanContributor

Baseball is a very wealthy sport, primarily because of its ability to be played six to seven days per week as well as a large capacity crowd for each game. It has just about double the amount of regular season games compared to the NBA and NHL. Like in any circum-stance, when people are given a large sum of power, they will do almost ev-erything possible to keep and maintain that power. This truth highlights one of the biggest problems in baseball today, the absence of a salary cap. Of the four Major professional sports leagues, Major League Baseball is the only one that does not have a salary cap. Introducing the Salary Cap in the NFL, NHL and NBA has had tremen-dous benefits in balancing the teams and created a much better overall fair-ness and wealth in each league. There is no logical reason why Major League Baseball should not adopt the same method. Big Market teams have an au-tomatic unfair advantage because their cities have a larger population and often

teams with a generally higher reputa-tion and will thus produce higher revenue. However, the smaller market teams will not be able to generate as much rev-enue and since free agency is alive in baseball, top players will often sign with bigger market teams because they can offer them more money. If a salary cap is introduced, all teams would have lim-ited spending money on their players, thus the better teams will be the ones with better drafting as well as intelligent ownership and management. This is how baseball should be, with baseball knowledge being the cornerstone to a successful franchise and not money. For example, the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox are often amongst the best teams in baseball consistently ev-ery year, and the main reason for this is because they spend a ridiculously large amount of money on their players. The reason they can do this is because they are very big-market cities and have had a great reputation for years. To put this in better perspective, this is primarily the goal of the movie Moneyball. It truly exemplifies how baseball is unfair, for all the reasons I’ve mentioned. Not only in Moneyball, but

we have here our own brilliant example in Montreal. The Montreal Expos would still be here today if a salary cap had been instituted into baseball. The Expos had probably the BEST drafting in the entire league and because of that were able to compete on a certain level but look at all their players historically, and most left for free-agency once their con-tract expired, like Vladimir Guerrero. Just to put the Expos into perspective, they drafted: Cliff Lee, Brandon Phillips,

Grady Sizemore, Guerrero, Pedro Martinez, Larry Walker…just to name a few great players that have come from the Expos’ organization. There needs to be more fairness in Major League Baseball and the Salary Cap is the best way to provide Major League Baseball with that fairness. Only then will Montreal become a possibility to have pro baseball back in their city.


May 8th, 20121 - 4 pm

live musicoval garden (18+ ID mandatory)

airbrush tattoos

All activities on the Herzberg Oval in front of the College. In the event of poor weather, all activities will be moved to GYMS 1, 2, 3

ZERO TOLERANCE FOR DRUGS AND ALCOHOL. ALL ALCOHOL BROUGHT ON CAMPUS WILL BE CONFISCATED

inflatable games

relay races

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bandersnatch volume 41 issue 14

Documents

conferences delegates

actual united nations

marianopolis mun

tended world mun

mcgill mun

lucky delegates

fictional world

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