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First thing Wednesday morning I was kneeling in the gravel next to the tracks, while a freighttrain went right by my head. Although its crossed my mind to throw myself under a train before,this wasnt the moment. I was busy pulling string with black turds on it out of the Chihuahuasthrobbing red arse, and thinking this was proof, as if any more proof were needed, that my lifewas in need of repair. Have you ever seen that embarrassed querying look dogs get whentheyre stuck with a turd half in-half out? They go sort of paralyzed squatting there, looking

worried. So I knew it was safe for me to leave the Chihuahua there while I got a piece of plasticout of the trash to use as an impromptu kleenex for the turd pulling exercise. She didnt move amuscle even when the freight train came. It was impossible to perform this maneuver withoutinvoluntarily thinking of the string of pearls sex toy, but theres not much of a carnal thrill in turdpulling from distressed Chihuahuas. In the end we were both relieved, so to speak, and went tobuy doughnuts at the Cafe. That piece of string was bad news.

I was only in town because Id seen the Dentist the day before. When Edie picked me up shesaid the dog puked. Lots of it. Uh oh. For the rest of Tuesday every time the dog ate, she threwit up a couple of hours later. We had our suspicions, and it wasnt too much bull penis either.

Rachel Feldman is a beautiful woman. We love Rachel. She lives in Orange County and shedbeen to stay for the weekend with Edie.She left on Sunday morning.Sometime during her visit she got her period.

Edie uses an antique steel bucket as a trash can in the bathroom: very Industrial Style.

I dont know that much about the way ladies choose to deal with their used menstrual gear. Itsnot something Ive wanted to stick my nose in. I gather theres a split of opinion: flush or trash.Rachels on the trash side. Ive known Rachel for years, weve shared houses. Were goodfriends, but Ive never thought to ask, while lolling in a hot tub with her, So Rachel, what do youdo with your used tampons? It never seemed like quite the right time.

Rachel doesnt have a dog. Shes probably not sensitized to the way dogs think about things.The Chihuahua, left to herself while the nasty people left her alone in the loft and wentshopping, could only have held out against the forces of temptation for so long. Lets face it,dogs have no shame, theyre a primitive form of life. How could she help herself? Alone, bored,mad at the people, and there in the bathroom she knew there was caviar: warm menstrual bloodon fresh cotton, just waiting.

By Tuesday night Edies gone mental. The dogs going to die. The Vet bill will be $1000. Shellhave to have surgery. Im massaging the dog. Im looking for blockages, trying to see if the dogsin pain and move things around a bit. Ive got her on the Ottoman sitting in front of me. Suddenlyshe looks at me wide eyed, in that way that only wide eyed Chihuahuas can look.

I turned her just in time.

I dont think Ive ever seen a tiny dog projectile vomit a whole tampon in a pile of half digesteddog food before.

The problem is that the modern feminine hygiene product is not made with the digestive systemof the dog in mind. I had the opportunity to contemplate this fact as Edie and I crouched like

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forensic scientists dissecting the tampon puke pile: it had stayed whole and opened up insidethe dog.

Gitana, which is Spanish for disgusting fat chihuahua, didnt even chew. She ate the fuckingthing whole.

So it was, that Wednesday morning found me beside the tracks. This was the critical defecation.Would things be back to normal? Ive got things to do, but I couldnt go home now because Imon Dog Death Watch. I only came into town to get my left lower molar checked. I was hoping toslide in and out of the neighborhood without encountering a random dog vomit disaster.

By midday, finally the dog looks alright. We got the tampon, we got the string: Job done. Wedodged a bullet there says Edie, sticking her bum out and whizzing her hand past. Thankgoodness I say, I can get back to some writing.

I walked over and sat down at my laptop. The dog follows me over and pukes another wholetampon-dogfood pile right next to my new shoes. Another one? For fucks sake, how manytampons can you fit inside a Chihuahua? Well, it was a surprise, so I involuntarily let out a cry.Whoa! I cried. Which brought Edie out of the bathroom where shed been eyebrowing and shegoes nuclear ballistic like the girl from the omen. Shes on the flush side of the debate.

Next thing Im down on my knees again doing another appalling forensic examination. I mean,its huge. This one had expanded to about 6 inches long, some of the string attached. And Ihave to say, from a purely scientific perspective, it was instructive. This must have been the firstone. It was starting to degrade into paper, polyester, cotton and I assume, ladies, variouschemicals you might not really want to have in your vaginal canal. Just thought Id mention that.But we dont know how many there are now. How many bits of string are there?

Theres no other way. I get some latex gloves on and go back down to the dumpster where

earlier Id carelessly tossed the black pearls, thinking I might not need a string of dogshit in thefuture. I thought pulling it out of the dogs arse in the morning was bad. But somehow, dumpsterdiving for dog poop encrusted tampon string seemed like a new low.

The dogs cheered right up.

The answer is 2.

You can fit 2 tampons inside a Chihuahua. Dont do this at home.

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