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TRANSCRIPT
Attract & Approach
Adam Lyons 2
Introduction 3
CHAPTER 1 It’s Not Your Fault 4
CHAPTER 2 What Are The Signs 7
CHAPTER 3 Be More Attractive 14
CHAPTER 4 Breaking The Ice 16
CHAPTER 5 Approach Anxiety 18
CHAPTER 6 What is Anxiety? 20
CHAPTER 7 Social Anxiety 22
CHAPTER 8 The 5-Step Method to Overcome Anxiety 24
CHAPTER 9 Overcoming Anxiety 28
CHAPTER 10 Remove Anxiety By Jumping In the Deep End 30
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Adam Lyons 3
Introduction
Spotting a girl that wants you is something most men can't do. But if you
understood the signs of attraction, not only would you know that a girl is in
to you… you would be trained to know exactly what to do to make her
come over and start talking to you.
These are the physical and psychological findings that have been
developed over the years and mastered by some, that are guaranteed to
help you Attract and Approach the women of your dreams.
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Adam Lyons 4
CHAPTER 1
It’s Not Your Fault
I have never, in my life, believed something simply because someone
said it was true. I needed quantifiable information about a topic before
incorporating it into my life. I would take the time to research and read
studies about the subject, gathering all pertinent information and applying
them to situations in my everyday life. I am proud to say that I am a geek
by nature. I have to understand things on a much deeper level in order to
master them. There’s no point trying to learn something if you don’t
understand why it works. That’s why I had to sit down and examine the
nature of attraction.
Here are some noteworthy results of scientific studies on attraction so
that we can dive into what is really going wrong out there.
Even though it is traditional for males to initiate and take
charge when courting a woman, the female actually tends to
control the early stages of courtship. (Givens 1978)
The study suggested that males who approach females - without the
female noticing them or exhibiting behavior that she is available for
solicitation - has a significantly lower chance of success. Basically, if you
approach a woman who is not showing signs that she wants to be
approached, you’re probably going to get shut down.
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This gives us evidence that timing is truly everything when it comes to
attraction. The same girl who might start flirting right away with you, could
also reject you brutally if approached at the wrong time.
Many males have a bias evaluation of female nonverbal
behavior and tend to see it as romantic when it may be just
friendliness. (Abbey 1982)
The findings of this study suggest that when we think a woman is
attracted to us, they are actually just being nice. This means two important
things:
1. Men are experiencing rejection not because there is something
wrong with them - but because they are approaching the wrong
women at the wrong times.
2. When a woman is attracted us, men are missing the opportunities
because they are looking for the wrong signs.
Basically, men are reading the signs wrong. My goal is to help fix
that major problem.
The main reason why individuals often fail to initiate a
romantic request is due to fear of rejection paired with a
pessimistic outlook. (Vorauer & Ratner 1996)
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This fear of rejection is
caused by the repeated attempts
of men who hit on women and get
turned down. Since they don’t
know that they are incorrectly
perceiving interest, this leaves
them feeling worthless and afraid to try again. A lot of times it creates doubt
and anxiety, amongst most men.
According to Vorauer & Ratner, the repeated misreading of female
signals has caused them to learn failure as the expected result.
No wonder men are afraid to make a move on a woman. We have
been suffering from a lack of understanding for decades now. That is why I
wanted to share these results with you. I want to make sure you
understand that…
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
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CHAPTER 2
What Are The Signs
Signs are the things women do when they are wanting to be
approached. Some of them are intentional but many are subconscious
behaviors that she might not even be aware of - yet they mean she is
waiting for you.
Now that we know most men have the wrong idea about when to
approach a woman, it is time to learn what the RIGHT signs are. Not only
signs that you should approach her, but once you have her attention, signs
that mean you’re on the right track.
Luckily for us, Monica Moore studied 200 females in a singles bar
and found 51 behaviors that increase in frequency when the female wants
to meet a male and when she is attracted to someone. Noticing when a
woman is doing some of these, means you’ll have a high chance of a
successful meet & greet.
1. Short Glance: This is when the woman quickly glances around the
room. It appears like she is skimming the room for someone that
catches her attention but she makes no direct contact with anyone.
2. Darting Glance: These are quick glances that are directed to a
specific man. She looks to him then looks away after holding her
gaze for less than 3 seconds. She may repeat this a couple times in
a row until she knows you saw her.
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3. Gazing: This is when she holds a gaze
with direct eye contact for over 3
seconds.
4. Eyebrows Raised: This is when she
raises both eyebrows while looking at
you. This only lasts about 2 seconds before she looks down again.
5. Head Tossing: She might flip her head back to tilt her face upwards
for less than 5 seconds.
6. Hair Flip : This is when she raises one hand to her head and
pushes her fingers through her hair - or runs her palm along the
surface of her hair. She normally touches her hair multiple times
within 30 seconds. Playing with her hair is a classic symbol of a
woman being flirtatious.
7. Head Nod: At close distance, often during conversation, she will nod
her head as if in agreement.
8. Face To Face: If she is into the conversation, she will move her
head and face closer to yours - about 5cm away.
9. Neck Presentation: She tilts her head sideways to an angle so her
ear almost touches shoulder, exposing her neck. Occasionally she
strokes her neck with her fingers.
10. Lipstick Application: This is rare. She makes eye contact, then
slowly applies lipstick for up to 15 seconds or more.
11. Lip Lick: This is more common. She opens her mouth and runs her
tongue across one or both of her lips.
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12. Lip Pout: She has her lips placed together and protruded like she is
giving a pouty face.
13. Smiling: A real smile is when both corners of her mouth are turned
up and she is showing teeth. Don’t mistake a genuine smile with a
polite one.
14. Coy Smile: This is a half-smile but paired with a downward gaze or
brief eye contact for about 3 seconds, is a good sign.
15. Laughing: Often proceeded by a head toss.
16. Giggling: Less intense laughter
with her mouth more closed, softer
sounds.
17. Kissing: This is a rare move when
her lips pout forward to touch one of her
body parts.
18. Whisper: If she moves her mouth close to your ear and speaks
softly, she is trying to cause you pleasure. This is sometimes
accompanied by some body contact. The human ear is built from the
jaw of our amphibian ancestors. Hearing and touch are
interconnected and soft vocals are innately pleasurable for us.
19. Arm Flexion: This is when she uses her arm to wave, summoning
you to come towards her. Usually, we repeat this 2-3 times when
waving someone over to us.
20. Tapping: Tapping is used to get your attention. Usually, she’ll tap
your shoulder.
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21. Palming: This is when her hand is placed with her palm up. There
might be a lot of reasons she has her palm exposed but it
subconsciously means she open.
22. Gesticulation: This is when she talks with her hands - like the
Italians. It means she is enjoying the conversation and is her way of
showing you she is having fun while communicating.
23. Hand hold: This is one of the more obvious signs, but if she reaches
out for you to hold her hand, you’re doing good.
24. Primping: This is when she pats or smooths out her clothing - even
when there was no need of adjustment.
25. Skirt Hike: If she raises the edge or hem of a skirt to expose more
leg, she is trying to get your attention.
26. Object Caress: This is when she starts caressing or playing with
something - like her keys, jewelry or something on the table.
27. Caress Face/Hair: If a woman is attracted to you, she’ll move her
hand slowly up and down your face or neck area.
28. Caress Leg: This is if she starts stroking your thigh and inner leg.
29. Buttock Pat: Sometimes while standing or dancing, she’ll pat your
butt if she trying to show you she’s interested in being sexual with
you.
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30. Caress Arm: Most touching is a good sign; arms are a part of the
body some women reach for when
they are attracted to a man.
31. Caress Torso: Touching
your torso area is another touch
point for women.
32. Caress Back: Touching the
back is another comfortable way women use to get closer to you.
33. Leaning In: While seated, she’ll lean in towards you. This means
she is engaged and wants to get closer to you.
34. Brush: This is when she initiates contact by briefly brushing part of
her body against yours. This is subtle contact usually lasting less
than 5 seconds.
35. Breast Touch: Sometimes, women position themselves so their
breast makes contact with your upper body. This can be brief though
sometimes it can be incredibly prolonged.
36. Knee Touch: When your face to face with a woman, she’ll bring her
legs into contact with your knees or legs.
37. Thigh touch: Similar to the knee touch, if you’re sitting side by side,
she will move over so your thighs are touching.
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38. Footsies: Women love playing footsies when they are flirting. She’ll
start by resting her foot on top
of yours.
39. Placement: This is when she
directly picks up your hand and
moves it to touch a part of her.
40. Shoulder hug: This is when
she drapes her arm around your shoulder.
41. Hug: Hugs are a common form of endearment and could just be a
friendly gesture. Something lasting more than 10 seconds, with most
of her body touching yours is a good sign though.
42. Moves Under Your Arm: If she wants to get closer to you, she
might move so your arm is over her shoulders. This means she feels
safe with you and wants to mark her territory.
43. Frontal Body Contact: If she is standing in front of you, she will
move close enough so that her chest and thighs are resting against
or touching yours. It’s not quite a hug since she’s not embracing you
but she’s trying to feel close to you.
44. Hanging: She might initiate this by running and jumping into your
arms or sometimes just wrapping her
arms around your neck and you’ll lift
her off her feet. However it starts,
hanging is when you pick her up and
she wraps her legs around you and
her arms around your neck.
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45. Parade & Approach: The parade is basically her walking across the
room but she does so while exaggerating the swaying of her hips -
more like a strut. Coming within 2 feet of you is a good sign she
wants to be approached.
46. Request a Dance: When a woman is attracted to you, they are
known to ask for a dance.
47. Accept a Dance: Women
rarely agree to dance with a
man they are not attracted to.
If you ask for a dance and
she accepts, there’s a great
chance she’s interested.
48. Solitary Dancing: When a woman is moving to the beat of the
music, either while sitting or standing, it means she’s in a good
mood, enjoying herself and may be hoping you’ll request a dance.
49. Pointing at Her Table: If she looks at you and points towards her
table or a seat near her, she is granting you permission to join her.
50. Aid Solicitation: This is a classic move when the woman asks for
help with something.
51. Playing: Basically, this term refers to when the woman breaks
rapport. This sometimes shows up as a joke or playful game.
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CHAPTER 3
Be More Attractive
I’m not a fan of the “getting a girl” strategies that make a man change
everything about him just to be attractive to a girl. No one can keep that up
for the long run and eventually, if she doesn’t like the real you…she’s not
going to stick around. So be yourself. You’ll have to step out of your
comfort zone in the beginning, but you don’t have to wait until you have a 6
pack or have 7 figures in the bank before you can start approaching
women.
In case no one has told you…. you are good enough. Just the way
you are.
At the same time, you don’t want the obvious choice for the girl
you’ve been chatting up - to be the other guy. Small things can make a big
difference in the world of first impressions. Here are a few quick tips you
can use to be more attractive to women in general.
We have an area of the brain that responds exclusively to hand
signals. Both men and women are responsive to them. (Kandel 1991)
Women find hands and wrists attractive so
show off your arms with rolled up sleeves.
This sounds simple…but it works.
Some facial expressions warn women
that we are not safe - or not good guys.
Avoid having a clenched jaw, tight lips or a wrinkled forehead.
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Fitting in to the surroundings is a skill you should learn and master.
Diana Fossey chewed on tropical leaves and belched to calm gorillas while
studying in Rwanda. Don’t chew on leaves or belch, but put “fitting in” on
the top of your priorities while out in the game. If you look out of place, you
may accidentally make the girl feel uncomfortable.
Communicating with others makes you seem approachable and
friendly. This makes women feel more comfortable around you. While
communicating with someone nearby, be sure make a lot of facial
expressions and use a lot of hand gestures. This will appear less
threatening and make you easier to approach.
Other little tricks include tilting your head to one side or shrugging
your shoulder.
Regardless of your body shape or size, invest in a nice suit. It doesn’t
have to be too expensive, but make sure it fits you well. Suits work great
and give you a boost of confidence. When you look good you feel good.
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CHAPTER 4
Breaking The Ice
They call it “Breaking the Ice” because when you first meet someone,
they can often be cold. Once you get over that initial cold barrier, the
interaction often becomes a lot easier. In fact, it’s almost a downhill battle
from that point on. The issue is, of course, the initial breaking of the ice.
The easiest way to do that is to heat up the ice a little first.
There are many different methods you can use to speak to someone
whom you’ve never met before. Some have a better chance of success
than others but it’s probably fair to say the biggest concern you’re feeling is
the fear of actually approaching someone.
There was a girl in my drama class I secretly fancied for five years. I
had drama class once or twice a week and we were in the same group.
Which meant that for five years, every time I went to drama class I saw this
girl. I’d also see her every lunch when I’d sit down designing geeky
characters to play in computer games – and I did nothing. I’d pass her in
the corridors at school, never said a single word. Not during after-school
activities, after-school events, additional
drama classes...in fact, not even when we
acted in performances that we put on after
school. I never said anything. It wasn’t just
that I didn’t tell her how I felt about her; I
didn’t even go out of my way to have an
initial, ordinary conversation with her.
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On the final day of high school, I said goodbye to drama girl. We were
all standing around collecting our grades for exams when we realized it
was the last time we’d ever see each other. Everybody was pretty tearful.
And there she was; in the middle of the crowd of people, my drama girl.
I went up to her just to say goodbye, realizing I’d never see her again.
She looked at me, she smiled, she hugged me. She looked me in the eyes
and said, “One of my biggest regrets is that I never really got to know you
better.” And then I cried. The entire school was standing around me crying
because they would never get to see their friends again and this was it; this
was a big change in their lives. And I was crying because I didn’t do
anything with regard to my feelings towards drama girl.
And that was it. I would never, ever get that chance to see or speak
to her again. It was then I made the decision to actually start talking to
people. You have no idea how often, from that day on, I would randomly go
up to people and ask them the time; not because I needed to know the
time. Not because I was curious about it or because I ever thought it would
go anywhere further than finding out what the time was.
No, it was because I wanted to make sure that if I ever wanted to
speak to somebody, I actually did something about it rather than let that
moment pass me by.
Whether you ask the time, directions, or crack a joke; hold your head
high and keep going. Simple conversation can lead to anything. Don’t be
afraid to be yourself and go with the flow, girls prefer to see the real you.
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CHAPTER 5
Approach Anxiety
Thousands of years ago humans used to live in small clans. In those
times, if a man approached the wrong woman (if she belonged to another
man or, worse, to the clan leader) the man could be killed. Approaching a
woman in ancient times was life threatening. That’s why men have
developed this fear of approaching woman.
One of the biggest problems people have when it comes to
approaching someone they’re attracted to is overcoming the fear of the
initial approach. I suspect every single person on the planet, with very few
exceptions, has at some time felt the familiar fear associated with the idea
of approaching someone they’re attracted to.
This fear is what many people
within the field of dating refer to as
“Approach Anxiety” - though this is
not defined by dating and seduction
experts. The root of anxiety and its
symptoms were explored a lot earlier
in our history by the psychological community at large, including such great
psychoanalysts as Sigmund Freud himself. We’re all familiar with the
symptoms: sweating, blushing, fear of being judged negatively. Some
people will actively search for signs of disapproval in others to convince
themselves that they shouldn’t bother speaking at all.
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What’s really funny is that starting a conversation is incredibly easy
when you know how. There are better ways to do it than just asking for the
time.
Men have a collection of fears when it comes to approaching women.
There’s the fear of rejection (“What if she says ‘No?’”), the fear of failure
(“What if she won’t give me her phone number?”), and the fear of social
criticism (“Everyone in the club will see me strike out!”). There are about 20
different fears of approach - and every man has one or more of them.
What we’re going to look at now are the symptoms of approach
anxiety and then the possible solutions that’ll enable you to approach
anyone you want at any time.
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CHAPTER 6
What is Anxiety?
Anxiety affects us on a psychological and physiological level. Its
symptoms include perceptual or cognitive components, physical
components, and even behavioral components. What this means is that not
only can we use proven psychological methods to identify the state of
anxiety but we can also use proven solutions to remove it as well.
First, let’s look at anxiety itself. Feelings of anxiety are far from
unusual for us as human beings. In fact, anxiety is a very normal reaction
to stress. It’s designed to help us respond to difficult situations, but in a way
better suited to an earlier evolutionary version of ourselves. Amongst other
things, anxiety sends a burst of adrenaline throughout our body to make us
hyper alert to danger and to help us fight or flee in response to that danger.
Unfortunately, anxiety still strikes today in response to psychologically
challenging situations that don’t really call for fighting or running away.
When anxiety becomes excessive, not only does it hinder us from
using the skills to handle the problem, it can prevent us from attempting to
solve our problems.
The moment anxiety affects our ability to take action, it becomes
known as a phobia. In the situations we’re discussing, if it were to prevent
us from approaching someone we were attracted to, then it would fall into
the category of phobia.
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Occasional anxiety is a normal part of life. You might feel anxious when
faced with a problem at work, before taking a test, or making an important
decision. But anxiety disorders involve more than temporary worry or fear.
– National Institute of Mental Health
Anxiety over meeting or interacting with people, whom we do not yet
know, is a very common stage of development in humans. In fact, in infants
it’s a normal part of growth and is known as stranger anxiety. Sometimes
this fear can persist into adulthood and develop into social anxiety or even
a social phobia. In adults, excessive fear of others that inhibits the ability to
interact with strangers is called social anxiety.
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CHAPTER 7
Social Anxiety
Social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is an anxiety
disorder in which a person has an excessive and unreasonable fear of
social situations. Anxiety (intense nervousness) and self-consciousness
arise from a fear of being closely watched, judged, and criticized by others.
The fear is often associated with all social interactions, however, in a
good deal of cases it can be specific to certain situations, for example, the
idea of approaching someone in the street to whom you’re attracted.
Social anxiety is characterized by physical components such as
sweating or blushing, perceptual components such as the belief that one
might be judged in a negative way, and finally by behavioral components
such as avoiding a “trigger” situation.
Some of the most common social fears or phobias are:
☛ Fear of Dating
☛ Fear of Eating and Drinking in Public
☛ Dealing With Authority Figures.
☛ Anxiety/Stage Fright During Performances Or
Public Speaking
☛ Using Public Toilets (“Bashful Bladder” Syndrome)
☛ Social Situations in General
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Clinical psychologists and researchers continue to investigate and
further define the problems of shyness, social anxiety and its related
manifestations. Many share similarities,
but may also have distinct differences,
which cause difficulties in de- fining
them; especially the difference between
anxiety and the positive feelings of
anticipation.
However, for our purposes, we
need only be concerned with whether or not we suffer from “approach
anxiety,” the fear of approaching, and its possible remedies.
“Some men storm imaginary Alps all their lives, and die in the foothills
cursing difficulties which do not exist.” ~Edgar Watson Howe
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CHAPTER 8
The 5-Step Method to Overcome Anxiety
There’s a simple five step method I’ve identified to guide you through
the process:
☛ Identify
☛ Understand
☛ Accept
☛ Exercise
☛ Overcome
Identify
Take the time to analyze what your fear/ social anxiety really is, allow
yourself to see how deep it goes. Is it speaking to people in public/person?
Meeting someone for the first time? The list goes on and on.
A good way to identify the
problem is by making a list of what
scares you and why. Taking a look
at how you are affected by certain
situations can give you insight as
to what action you could take to
lessen the fear and anxiety. Allowing you to attack the problem a chunk or
two at a time rather than overwhelming yourself and creating more anxiety.
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Understand
Take that list of your fears and dive deep. What is it that causes you
anxiety in social situations? Are you so worried about being so nervous that
you will act like a fool? Really look at why you feel this way. When you
understand that this fear is just a feeling and not actual danger, the anxiety
will start to melt away.
If you follow the advice in this book, you will know how to approach
someone you've never met before and have confidence in yourself to not
stumble around like a clown. Understanding that when you take the same
practices of talking to someone you already know and applying them to
new situations, can help ease your nerves and allow you to work in your
social skills.
Acceptance
In a metaphorical context, means suspending all judgment and bringing
awareness in – as if you are observing it for the first time. This will give you
a new perspective that may invite clarity as to what you can do next. Or, it
may deflate the whole problem. When we accept our anxiety we are giving
it a new meaning. Taking the power away from the monster and turning it
into something less scary and easy to manage. Acceptance doesn't mean
you have to like it, on the contrary the dislike can motivate you to change
and overcome the fear.
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Exercise
Develop an exercise to help you get over your fears. Focus your mind
on your breathing. Slowly count to ten, while slowly and steadily breathing
in and out. Concentrate on your own breathing, the sounds of your breath
and the motion of your lungs, instead of on the fearful situation at hand.
Feeling more relaxed, you will be able to take the steps to expose yourself
– gently – to fearful situations.
For example, let’s say your fear is approaching someone you’re
attracted to in a coffee shop. You want to start by choosing the least fearful
situation imaginable.
So perhaps begin by holding a longer conversation with the shop
worker. After this, move on to talking to an older person in the same line as
you. Then move on to talking to someone closer to your age and of the
same sex. Eventually, move on to someone you’re not attracted to of the
opposite sex, and then, finally, speak to someone you’re attracted to of the
opposite sex.
Even if, initially, the entire conversation only lasts 10 seconds,
eventually you’ll feel more comfortable talking to people in any coffee shop
at any time. This exercise helps because you are taking small steps rather
than large leaps. Slow and steady wins the race. Taking it slow is
beneficial, while others may crash and burn then give up, you will be able
overcome your anxiety.
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Overcome
Practice talking to strangers in environments that you feel
comfortable are a good place to start. Eventually going out of your comfort
zone and speaking to people on the street or in the grocery store. Simple
conversation or small talk goes a long way when you are first breaking out
of your shell.
Remind yourself that you can’t actually be hurt in the situation and
that you can handle the consequences. Once you make this realization,
you should find yourself calming down. Then you can begin to push
yourself further again. You should be able to repeat this process for any of
your fears and be able to overcome all of them.
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CHAPTER 9
Overcoming Anxiety
There are a number of different methods to remove anxieties. These
range from exposing subjects to their fears directly to some of the more
experimental methods of hypnosis.
Many psychologists agree that one of the best ways to remove an
anxiety or phobia is by a type of behavioral therapy known as Systematic
Desensitization. This type of therapy has its roots in Pavlovian therapy or
classical conditioning, and was developed by a South African psychiatrist
by the name of Joseph Wolpe.
This method is essentially a two-part therapy. The first part involves
teaching the subjects relaxation skills so that they can control their fears
and anxiety responses. These can be breathing exercises or focus games.
Something you can try is to simply regulate your breathing to match a slow
count of ten. By taking slow, concentrated breaths and monitoring your own
breathing patterns whilst exposing yourself to a fearful situation, you can
slowly begin to relax, even in the midst of a phobia.
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The second half of the therapy involves exposing the subjects to
fearful situations with an ever-
increasing hierarchy of fear,
starting by exposing them to the
smallest fear stimulus and then
slowly escalating it until they are ready
to face their fears in full.
The following is an example of such a hierarchy:
The process starts at the bottom of the hierarchy to reinforce the
person for engaging in this behavior, in this example, touching or handling
the stuffed animal. Once they master this level, they would then move to
the next level and repeat the same process.
The question still remains, however, how can you use this method to
help you overcome your fear of speaking to some- one you’re attracted to?
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CHAPTER 10
Remove Anxiety By Jumping In the Deep End
Another approach to removing anxiety is a bit more drastic. It is
commonly known as flooding.
Flooding is a psychotherapeutic method for overcoming phobias. This
is a method of ridding fears that is usually paired with systematic
desensitization. In order to demonstrate the irrationality of the fear, a
psychologist would put a person in a situation where they would face their
phobia at its worst.
Under controlled conditions and using psychologically-proven
relaxation techniques, the subject attempts to replace their fear with
relaxation. The experience can often be traumatic for a person, but may be
necessary if the phobia is causing them significant life disturbances. The
advantage to flooding is that it is quick and usually effective.
Flooding would involve throwing you, a person with arachnophobia,
into a bathtub full of spiders. When you eventually calmed down due to
exhaustion from the stress, you would find that the fear has basically
disappeared since exposure to the spiders hadn’t actually caused you any
permanent harm.
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Right now, I’m sure you’re thinking that being thrown into a bathtub full of
members of the opposite sex
doesn’t sound that bad. However,
unfortunately for the majority of you
reading this, don’t actually have a
fear of the opposite sex. Your fear
is, rather, one of approaching
them.
In that case the flooding solution would be to make the approach so
uncomfortable that once you did it and realized nothing too terrible
happened, the next time would much easier.
In the past, I’ve made students wear funny costumes, speak in funny
accents, and even begin the conversation using expletives, though I’ve
found the best way is to just wander up to someone and ask for their hand
in marriage. It’s a scary situation, incredibly awkward, but socially
acceptable enough not to give you too much trouble with a passerby who
may overhear you. The other benefit of doing this is that if the person says
yes, you’ve saved yourself the trouble of having to move on to the next
person, and you can finish your quest there after the one approach!
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