What came first, the chicken or the egg?

The egg.

Come on now.You know this.On the Origin of Speciesisn't hard to obtain. Google has several copiesfor free.

Where,pray tell,did the chicken come fromif not an egglaid by aproto-chicken?

Was it createddeepwithin the shadowy depthsof Monsanto?

Was the chickenwilledinto existence by an autisticboy staring into his snow globe?

Is it a vast conspiracy?Did the Colonelsimply rebrandturkey?

Unless you're willingto make up some far fetchedexplanation,stop asking the damnquestion.

I don't havethe timeto keep onridiculingyou.

Applebee's

Whatdo you meanyou're out of meatballs?

You have meat.You have balls.

Get in the kitchenand shape that meat into balls.Pour some cheese sauce on itand charge me the 15 dollars,

for a ball in the mouthis worth the withdrawal.

Easy Eggplant Parmesan (yield 4 servings)

Directions:In a medium-sized bowl, whisk together the freshly grated parmesan, garlic powder, salt, pepper, and panko bread crumbs. Sure, you can use pre-shredded bagged parmesan, but your friends will know... and they will mock you behind your back. Set this mixture aside.

Heat oil to 350ºF in a heavy pot and try not to burn yourself.

In another medium-sized bowl, pour in the flour and set aside. This is why you needed to clean the kitchen before you began cooking.

Slice the eggplant into about 8 disks using a mandolin. Yeah, you can use a knife instead--if you want to feed your friends uneven pucks of laziness.

Forgot the hand guard again, didn't you? Well, hurry up and run the to bathroom applying direct pressure to the area of your hand you just sliced off. Reach into the medicine cabinet and pull out the roll of gauze. Wash hands thoroughly. Apply 1/8 tsp anti-biotic ointment, and wrap with 12" of gauze. This wound should heal within 1 to 2 weeks, depending on the severity of the cut and the strength of your immune system.

Sanitize your work area and pick up the pace before your guests decide to re-enact the Donner Party.

Dredge the eggplant disk in the buttermilk. Normally you would soak it for a couple of hours, but you wasted too much time already, so we’ll have to skip that.

One at a time, remove the disks from the buttermilk with your non-mangled hand and coat in the bowl of flour. Re-dunk the floured disk in the buttermilk and toss in the bread crumb mixture.

Fry in the oil until brown and edible looking, then toss onto a plate. Cover it with enough red sauce that your guests don’t notice how big of an amateur you actually are.

Hang on!

A willow tree clings desperatelyto its lawn of shitflattened like fried plantains.

Its plunge into the rippling, fermenting, curdlingslime–inevitable,yet it keeps up the fight.

Hang on!

A willow tree clings desperatelyto its lawn of shitflattened like fried plantains.

Its plunge into the rippling, fermenting, curdlingslime–inevitable,yet it keeps up the fight.

His Holiness, Pope FrancisApostolic Palace 00120 Vatican City

Dear Pope Francis,I write to you today not as a Catholic, but as an idea man. I think we can both agree that church attendance is down, and continues to plummet. In today's day and age filled with iPads and extreme sports, people no longer enjoy the musty old ways of the Catholic church. What the Church needs is a new image. Let’s try to repaint the church as a young, hip organization. Replace communion wafers with communion Nilla wafers. Both melt in your mouth, so why not add a little sugar to the flesh of Christ? Do live Twitter® updates throughout the service. People like to see “Amen #jesusismyhomeboy #omghowlongisthisthingihavefootballtowatch #lol” as often as possible. It makes them feel important. And have you considered playing the bass guitar? Who doesn’t love a funky pope?

Sincerely,A Sympathetic Sinner

P.S.Or you could, maybe, address the rampant child abuse throughout your organization.

French pressed sludge

It slurms its way into the mugforming a line of sediment.

It sits there waiting--waiting for me to decide:

Do I drink it?It’s the epitome of bitteryet it’s still coffeeand I don’t wantto make any more.

Bottom's up!

Glen or Glenda?

Not a man of Earth,omniscient controllerdecides fates,pull the string.

His endless eyes hunting,despising,picking through the meat–the brainsof the person belowbelow:

A transvestite directorwith a keen eyefor B-moviesand angora sweaters.

He mixes potions–smoke begets new lifewhile the bones of old friendslurk in the shadows.

With a chucklethe old conjurer gives hisfinal warning:

Bevare,take care.

Bevare!

Customer Relations

Can I get a glass ofoh, what's that stuff called again?

It's clear,the Starbucks ladyputs it in myto-go tumbler.

Water?

No,the wet stuff.The tasteless liquidthat pours from mykitchen sink.

Yeah, water.GAHNO!It looks like spit,but it's not.

Look,I don't know

what you want from me,so I'm going to go

over here now.

Just the facts: Abraham Lincoln (1807-1865)

Abe Lincoln was born to a virgin.

He lost his virginity at age 22 to a woman named Eloise. She was a female boxer.

One night he got drunk and cut his chin on a barbed wire fence, leaving behind a scar. His chinstrap beard was grown to cover it up.

While in law school, Lincoln moonlighted as a professional wrestler. His nickname was "Abraharm."

The Gettysburg address was read by mistake. Lincoln meant to talk about his love for Ovaltine, but accidentally swapped speeches on the way there.

"The Lincoln" consists of three parts vodka blended with market spice tea and just a twist of lemon juice.

Always the prankster, Lincoln removed all the "W"s from the White House typewriters.

He used a modified grapefruit spoon to scrape the plaque from his tongue. Today's dental tool is an evolution of his invention.

Dude, Where's My Car? is based around a short story written by Abraham Lincoln. It is often credited as the first story to mention a drive thru restaurant.

His favorite sandwich consisted of pickles, oyster crackers, and jellybeans on rye.

Lincoln's campaign platform was a physical platform that he carried around with him. It was made of oak and had the words, "Looser women and lower rent!" painted on the side.

Tasteless

If you're going to resurrect stars from our past, give them the honor of going all out. Dig up Johnny Cash. Boil the Man in Black's preserved remains until the tender meat falls off the bone, then make a stew from his broth. Strip the flesh off of a pig and zip-tie it onto the cleaned bones. Use butcher's twine to articulate his joints. Tattoo a "13" on his fucking neck. Cram that Japanese voice-simulating robot into his face. Hammer hooks into his wrists, attach strings, and animate him on stage. Beats the hell out of a lame-ass hologram.

Swirlin’ REMIX

Check it!

Completing homework or getting paid?I do 'em both before I get laid.No herpes for me,I cover my wee!

Plenty of beautiful women to be foundOpen your eyes, just look around.Beauty is on the inside, you dirty hound!

This is my life, my parade.I never smoke, no time, no way!

Broccoli, steamedlentils and beansI eat everything on my plate, see?

Some people hate,but I won't berate,too busy each night with a responsible date.

Fluorescent lights,reasonable sounds,Back in Pullman for my senior round.