assertiveness in action workbook - asia aus leaders · 2018. 3. 10. · doormats or a bullies....

Assertiveness in Action | Workbook

Workbook [Assertiveness in Action]

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Contents

Welcome! .......................................................................................................... 4

Asserting Yourself .............................................................................................. 5

Assertive Communication at work .................................................................... 7

Non-Assertive, Assertive & Aggressive Behaviour: Characteristics and

Consequences .................................................................................................. 9

Techniques to control your frustrations using Assertive Communication ........ 10

The assertive communication formula: ........................................................... 11

Body language related assertive behaviour .................................................. 13

Assertive Body Language: ............................................................................... 14

Check your Assertiveness as a Leader.... ........................................................ 15

Respect Yourself And Others ........................................................................... 16

Change your Mindset ...................................................................................... 16

Coaching questions to keep you accountable .............................................. 17

What’s Next? ................................................................................................... 17


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Welcome!

Congratulations on joining the AsiaAus Leaders network. It’s great to have you as

part of our global business community.

This program has been designed to provide you with as much information, tools and

resources as possible.


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Asserting Yourself

Assertiveness is behaviour that communicates leadership . I t can be tr icky

maintaining respect for others whi le asking for what you want; i t’s about

working with people, not against them. I t is a highly regarded

characterist ic of successful leaders where integrity and respect are core

values.

Assertiveness is based on the bel ief that whatever may have happened

in the past to influence your sense of self -worth, there comes a time

when you can choose to bel ieve that you are as important as any other

person.

Claiming your r ight to express your real feel ings and opi nions results in

you l iv ing the l i fe you want to l ive, not the l i fe that other people choose

for you.

Denying yourself this r ight costs YOU and leads to feel ings of:

Frustration

Resentment

Anger

Negative Stress

This results in you dealing with s ituations from a passive or aggressive

posit ion where your leadership is diminished . When people don’t trust

their leaders then you & your organisation are at r isk of creating a

culture of cynicism, a lack of commitment & reduced productivity .


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Notes

Exercise:

Think of a time when you expressed yourself as a leader with confidence.

Consider al l aspects of that s ituation eg the subject or issue you were

discussing, the people involved in the conversation, the tone, pitch, volume,

your feel ings & the responses you received .. .. What contr ibuted to you

expressing yourself so well?

What Holds You

Back From

Speaking Your

Truth?

Low self confidence

Lack of t ime

Bad mood

Fear of fai lure

Don’t understand

Low motivation – can’t be bothered

Notes

What holds

you back?


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Assertive Communication at work

In the workplace, assertiveness cult ivates cooperation, goal

achievement, healthy interpersonal communication and more respectful

work environments. You may be overlooked as a contender for larger

projects or job promotions i f you’re perceived as too passi ve or too

aggressive.

Leaders cannot afford to be perceived as

doormats or a bul l ies. Assertive leaders are

better equipped to move projects forward

and make things happen whi le improving

cooperation and respect from partners and

subordinates. Having an assertive atti tude

in the workplace can get you noticed as

someone with the potential to handle a

leadership posit ion professional ly.

Relationships

Require Trust &

Energy

Trust is a primary factor in how people work together,

the energy & commitment they bring to their job, the

way they l isten to one another, and bui ld effective

relationships. Yet many people are unaware of the

actions & communication that influence trust. Trust is a

crit ical l ink to al l good relationships, both personal and

professional.


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Exercise:

What sort of energy is exchanged in your workplace? For example, the vibes

you get from others.

How would you rate the trust in your team/workplace?

How do I contr ibute to the workplace culture?

What conversations need to happen?

What am I going to say?

When am I going to say it?

Notes

Notes


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Non-Assertive, Assertive & Aggressive Behaviour: Characteristics

and Consequences

Non-Assert ive Behaviour

Characterist ics include not expressing your own feel ings, needs, and ideas;

ignoring your own r ights; and al lowing others to infr inge

on them. This behaviour is usual ly emotional ly dishonest,

indirect, inhibited, and self -denying. The non-assertive

person al lows others to choose for them and often e nds

up feel ing anxious and disappointed with themsel f at the

time and possibly angry and resentful later.

Why do they do this? They hope to avoid unpleasant and r isky s ituations, to

steer clear of confrontation, tension, and confl ict. The problem with this non-

assertive behaviour is that they usual ly do not get what they need, their anger

bui lds up, and they do not feel good about themselves.

Assertive Behaviour

Characterist ics include expressing your feel ings, needs and ideas, and

standing up for your legitimate r ights in ways that don’t violate the

r ights of others. This behaviour is usual ly emotional ly honest, direct,

expressive, and self -enhancing. Assertive people make their own

choices, are usual ly confident, and feel good about themselves,

both whi le they are being assertive, and later on.

What in it for them? They usual ly achieve their goals - and even

when they don’t they sti l l feel good. Acting assertively reinforces

their good feel ings about themselves, improves their self -

confidence, and leads to freer, more honest relationships with others.

Aggressive Behaviour

Characterist ics include expressing your feel ings, needs, and ideas at the

expense of others; standing up for your own r ights but ignoring the r ights of

others, trying to dominate, even humil iates them. True, this behaviour is

expressive but it is usual ly defensive, hosti le, and self -defeating. The

aggressive person tr ies to make choices for themselves and for others and

they usual ly end up feel ing angry, self -r ighteous, and poss ibly gui lty later.

Why do they do this? I t is a way of venting their anger and sometimes they

achieve their goals, at least in the short run. The problem is, though, that they

distance themselves from other people and can end up feel ing frustrated,

bitter and alone.


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Techniques to control your frustrations using Assertive Communication

Broken Record

Be persistent and keep saying what you want over and over again without

getting angry, i r r i tated, or loud. Stick to your point.

Free Information

Learn to l isten to the other person and fol low-up on free information people

offer about themselves. This free informat ion

gives you something to talk about.

Self-Disclosure

Assertively disclose information about

yourself - how you think, feel, and react to

the other person's information. This gives the

other person information about you.

Fogging

An assertive coping ski l l is deal ing with

crit icism. Do not deny any crit icism and do

not counter-attack with crit icism of your own.

Agree with the truth

Find a statement in the crit icism that is

truthful and agree with that statement.

Agree with the odds

Agree with any possible truth in the cri t ical

statement.

Agree in principle

Agree with the general truth in a logical

statement such as, "That makes sense . "

Negative Assertion

Assertively accepting those things that are negative about yourself. Coping

with your errors.

Workable Compromise

When your self -respect is not in question, offer a workable compromise.

The Elephant in the

room

When you have unexpressed

frust rat ion toward another

person, i t i s l ike you are

both s i t t ing together with an

elephant between you.

Neither wants to

acknowledge the elephant ,

but i t s existence is defin itely

there between you.

The elephant acts as a

barr ier to real

communicat ion. I t al so

prevents construct ive

conversat ion f rom f lowing

between you and the other

person.

These problems can be

dealt with – i f people would

just talk about them.


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The assertive communication formula:

There are four parts to effective assertive communication:

I feel

I need

I want

taking responsibi l i ty for one's own feel ings

when When” What specif ical ly bothers you about the behaviour or

s ituation?

Because

what it is about the behaviour or i ts consequences that you

objects to

I want

offering a preferred alternative to the behaviour

Part 1: “I feel”— start by expressing how you feel about the behaviour. Stick to

one of the f ive or s ix basic emotions: “I feel overwhelmed” “ I feel angry,” “ I feel

hurt .”

Part 2 : When - What specif ical ly bothers you about the behaviour or s ituation?

Part 3 :“Because”— How does the behaviour affect you? Examples: “I feel

pressured to do something I really can’t do this year,” and “i t makes me feel

taken advantage of.”

Part 4 : “I want.” This is the tough part for people who feel gui lty s imply letting

others know what their needs are. What this real ly means is giving the other

person a clear s ignal of what you would l ike them to do differently so they

have an opportunity to change.

Examp le: “It’s unfai r to expect one person to continue to take the minutes at

our team meetings and I would l ike i t to be rotated across the team, as i t wi l l

al low everyone to contr ibute & take responsibi l i ty. I would l ike a roster to be

drawn up and everyone to al locate a meeting date to take the minutes.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/behavior_modification.html


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Exercise:

Describe briefly a s i tuation you would l ike to practice your assertive

communication formula. What would you say? .. . .

Does the formula work all the time?

Of course not, but i t works a high percentage of the time and it gives you a

much better tool to deal with the situation than using anger - which rarely

gets you the results you want.

I f i t doesn’t work at f i rst, try different variations by us ing your own words -

keep at it because sometimes people don’t immediately respond differently

to what you are saying because of your previous establ ished communication

patterns with each other.

Also make sure that your tone clearly conveys s incerity, clarity, genuineness,

and respect toward the other and his or her opinions.

Notes


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Body language related assertive behaviour

Assertive communication is the art of speaking in a reasonable tone with

good eye contact using “I” messages (as opposed to “you” or blaming

messages) whi le clearly stating your needs, feel ings, and requests. I f you are

an effective assertive communicator, you wil l also invite the l istener to work

toward a mutual ly satisfactory resolution of the problem or confl ict, without

offending them.

Speaking of offending, an important point to remember is that you won’t

offend people if you stick to communicating your feel ings, as opposed to

tel l ing others what they should or should not do!

An assertive leader is emotional ly honest, direct, self -enhancing, and

express ive. He/she feels confident, self -respecting at the time of his/her

actions as wel l as later.


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Assertive Body Language:

Eye contact and facial expression : Maintain direct eye contact; appear

interested and alert, but not angry.

Posture: Stand or s i t straight, possibly leaning forward sl ightly and directly face

the people to whom you are speaking.

Distance and contact: Stand or s it at a normal

conversational distance from the other.

Gestures: Use relaxed, conversational gestures.

Voice: Use a factual, not emotional tone of

voice. Loud enough for the people to whom

you are speaking to hear you and ful l of

conviction, but not overbearing.

T iming: Choose a time when both part ies are

relaxed. A neutral s ite is best.

Exercise:

What aspects of your body language do you need to be aware of to ensure you remain an

assertive leader?

Don’t wait for

someone to

recognise what

you want

You might be

waiting forever!


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Check your Assertiveness as a Leader....

✓ Tone of Voice: How do I sound?

Speak in a definitive and firm voice as if I really mean what I say.

No whining, pleading, or apologetic voice.

No stammering, undue hesitance, mumbling, or extraneous words eg er, ah, mmm.

No sarcasm, hostility, or yelling. If I am angry, express it directly rather than indirectly by a

hostile, sarcastic, or “cold” voice.

When I am talking to someone who is speaking rapidly in a loud voice, keep my voice low

and speak slowly.

Maintain my voice at a steady volume. When my voice becomes lower at the end of a

request or refusal, I may sound as if I am unsure.

✓ Guidelines for effective content: What I say in everyday non-threatening situations

Keep what I say concise and to the point; say what I want directly instead of beating

around the bush.

Be sure and state clearly the message I want the other person to hear, instead of expecting

them to infer it from other things I say

Try to use phrases, “I want”, “I don’t want”, instead of “I need”, “You should”, and “You are”.

Perhaps give one factual reason, but no apologetic behaviour or long-winded excuses e.g.,

“I’m so sorry, and well, you know you kinda, well, hurt my feelings when…”

When angry, express it directly rather than by attacking or threatening.

(Table taken from Eileen Gambrill in O’Donahue and Krasner, 1995, Handbook of Psychological Skills Training, p. 103 )

✓ Body Language: What do I look like?

Keep good eye contact; look at person I’m talking to instead of down at the floor or off to

the side. Lean forward slightly.

Try to keep my body relaxed, not rigid or tense. Breathing deeply may help to relax me.

Don’t fidget and move around excessively, wring hands, change feet, etc.

Don’t clench fists, hit, or pound on things. If I get angry, express it directly instead of indirectly

by clenching fists, etc.

Act serious; avoid laughing or inappropriate smiling when someone is trying to jeopardise my

rights.


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Respect Yourself And Others

Realise that you are worthy of being heard and that you

have something valuable to say, just as others do. You

have important ideas and suggestions that , after

respectful ly considering what you have to say, everyone

may benefit from. Recognise the things you do well and

feel good about yourself and your achievements, and

take gradual steps to improve in the areas you have

diff iculty with.

Assertiveness requires an understanding that whi le you

can make a request or state an opinion, others are well within their r ight s to

say no or disagree. You don’t get upset or angry when that happens. You stay

in control and work to come to some sort of compromise. When you’re

assertive, you understand that you might not get what you want. You’l l learn,

however, that it not only doesn’t hurt to ask, but actual ly helps to ask as wel l .

Change your Mindset

Remember that you have a r ight to

be heard and your opinions and

needs be considered when decisions

are being made. I f you are often

fearful of speaking up, ask yoursel f

“What is the worst thing that can

possibly happen i f I voice my feel ings

in a respectful manner?” More often

than not, you wil l discover your fears

were not real ity-based. You wil l

quickly calm down and feel more comfortable being assertive.

As a Leader, your assertive interpersonal ski l l wi l l demonstrate healthy

confidence and your abi l i ty to stand up for yourself and your r ights, whi le

respecting the r ights of others.

Take Action Now:

Understanding assertiveness

and learning how to

interact effectively as a

leader, both personally and

professionally, is a skill that

creates positive results for

everyone.


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Coaching questions to keep you accountable

Having completed the exercises in this workbook, what wi l l you do differently

in your communication style as a leader?

How wil l you know that your assertive approach is working for you as a

leader?

How wil l you ensure you stay focused on using powerful, confident

communication techniques?

What’s Next?

Assertive Communication is the key to effective communication in the workplace, at

meetings and with teams.

assertiveness in action workbook - asia aus leaders · 2018. 3. 10. · doormats or a bullies....

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