assertiveness, art of winning 090418
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PPT Assertiveness Workshop PKU 090418TRANSCRIPT
2008
Peiking University· April 18, 2009
Assertiveness, Art of Winning果断力 , 双赢的艺术
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Behavior Analysis
Leary’s Rose
Assertiveness
Becoming assertive
Assertiveness as a Basic Skill
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Ultimate excellence lies not in winning every battle,
but in defeating the enemy without ever fighting.
Art of War
“是故百战百胜 , 非善之善者也 ; 不战而屈人之兵 , 善之善者也 .”
Assertiveness as a Basic Skill
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Facing difficult situation, animals have two reactions:
FLIGHT 退让 Sub-assertive behavior
FIGHT 攻击 Aggressive behavior
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Facing difficult situation, human beings have more
responses:
FLIGHT 退让 Sub-assertive behavior FIGHT 攻击 Aggressive behavior Assertive 果断 Assertive behavior
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Assertive behavior :Aggressive and sub-assertive behavior are natural,
but assertive behavior is not automatic natural behavior.
It is a learnt skill.
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Take care of others’ interest, without respect for self Be good (polite and helpful) for others, doing others a favor Avoid conflict, make a “nice” world Do extra work Do not speak up what is inside……
Take care of self interest with respect for others Speak up what is inside you.Willingness to have dialogue……
Take care of self interest without respect for others Manipulating people Dominant, ignorance, arrogant……
Sub-assertive Assertive Aggressive
Three types of most common behaviors
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Thoughts/beliefs:Self-respect, and respect of othersPositive thoughts and beliefs about self and othersBelieves that she/he is responsible for thoughts, feelings and behaviorsConflict is seen as an opportunity for transformation and change
Feelings:Self-confidentPositive self-esteemComfortable and secure within selfAware of feelingsTrusting of self and othersConnected to self and others
1. I’m OK - You’re OK. Assertive/creative
I win - You win
Behaviors:Use “I” statementsMake eye contactListen to people directlyEngage with others Ask open questionsOpen body postureAsk for feedback from othersGive positive and constructive feedback
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Thoughts/beliefs:Lack self-confidenceLack self-respect
Feelings:Feel insecure in selfFeel miserableFeel not worthyFeel insignificant
2. I’m not OK - You’re OK. Sub-assertive /passive
I lose - You win
Behaviors:Hide from othersAvoid eye contactClose body postureDo not hear positive feedback or give it
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Thoughts/beliefs:Lack self-respect and respect for othersNegative thoughts and beliefs about self and othersBelieve others are to blameConflict is seen as something to win and others to lose
Feelings:Lack self-confidenceNegative self-esteemFeel insecure in selfLack of awarenessDistrust of self and othersDisconnected from self and others
4. I’m OK - You’re not OK. Aggressive/defensive
I win - You lose
Behaviors:Blame others (language)Avoid eye contactClose body postureInterrupts, talk over or shout sometimesMake statements rather than asking questionGive negative feedbackIs overly critical and judging of others
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Thoughts/beliefs:Lack self-confidenceLack self-respect and respect of othersNegative thoughts/beliefs about self and othersSuspicious and wary of othersSee conflict as something destructive
Feelings:Feel insecure in selfFeel resentful towards othersfeel undeserving of praiseFeel hopeless and depressed
3. I’m not OK - You’re not OK.Manipulative/divisive:
I lose - You lose
Behaviors:Avoid eye contactUse negative language to talk about Self and othersDo not hear positive feedback or give it
Effective behavior 有效行为
Non-effective behavior 无效行为
By effects, behavior:
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“Think for yourself and question authority.”
---Timothy Leary(1920.10.22---1996.5.31.)
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Leary’s Rose: Interaction and influencing difficult behavior
Aggressive Leading 攻击型 领导型 Ⅵ Ⅰ
Ⅳ Ⅲ
防御型 依赖型 Defensive Dependent
Above (强大)
Against(I) Together(We)
Bellow (柔弱)
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Leary’s Rose: Interaction and influencing difficult behavior
人之生也柔弱 , 其死也坚强 ; 万物草木之生也柔脆 , 其死也枯槁 . 故坚强者死之徒 , 柔弱者生之徒 . 是以兵强则不胜 , 木强则折 ; 强大处下 , 柔弱处上 .
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Ⅳ-2 -1Ⅰ competing leading 竞争型 领导型Ⅳ-1 -2Ⅰaggressive helping攻击型 帮助型
defiant cooperating反抗型 合作型Ⅲ-2 -1Ⅱ 回避型 依赖型 withdrawing depending Ⅲ-1 -2Ⅱ
Above
I (Against)
We(Together)
Bellow
Leary’s Rose: Interaction and influencing difficult behavior
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Leary’s Rose: Interaction and influencing difficult behavior
“I-oriented behavior” “I-oriented behavior” “we-oriented behavior” “we-oriented behavior”
“Up behavior” “Bellow behavior” “Bellow ” “Up”
“Non-activity leads to action by itself.” ---Tao “ 无为而无不为”—道德经
“ A good leader is the servant of his people.”---Tao“ 善用人者为之下”
Behavior incites behavior行为引发行为
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Assertive behavior is:
Choosing your behavior, not merely acting automatically on your feelings;
Balancing between your own interest and the other’s interest.
Effective, problem solving
“故其有使失利 , 其有使离害者 , 此事之失 .”
< 鬼谷子 : 决篇 >
果断行为作出 , 如果使自己失去利益 , 使他人遭受损害 , 这都是失败的行为
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Organization effects of Assertive behavior:
Contribute to the wellbeing of organization
Make corporate culture richer
Save time, improve effectiveness and profit
Make clear organizational communication
More inventive and open to new procedures
Can judge easier because of open mind
Point out to the new global world in which China and its
organizations play a prominent role, boosted by Olympic
Games
Make the West and East meet each other with a completely
new vision and understanding for each other’s cultures
Not challenge the leaders but challenging the competitive
environment in which they work
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Personal Results of Assertive Behavior:
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you feel good about yourself
other people know how to deal with you
reduce the level of interpersonal conflicts
reduce a major source of stress
feel free to express your feelings, thoughts and desires
know your rights
have a good understanding of the feelings of the other
person with whom you are communicating
have control over you anger
What is assertiveness?
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Low status
Not taking spaceNo eye contactConcentration on the otherNo matching (non-verbal)Restless and unnecessary movementsTouching the face all the timeStammering and low voiceShrinking yourself so that others won’t feel insecure around you
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High status
Lot of space Long lasting eye contact Concentration on the self No matching (non-verbal) No movements Poker-face Loud and steady voice Acting important so that others will feel insecure around you
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Behavior Expert
Has great skill in raising and lowering status Can cope easily with any situation by
changing status Can choose behavior assertively
Status is not what you are;
It is something that you do.
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Assertiveness is the competency to choose effective behavior according to one’s own situation; during the process, one must sustain his/her own interest and same time respecting other’s interest, in order to reach a win-win situation.
Assertiveness is a way of life, and a way of doing business, based on mutual respect and benefit.It is all about winning without war.
ASSERTIVENESS 果断力
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ASSERTIVENESS( 果断力 ) is a general science, which includes lots relevant competencies.
Confronting ( 应对矛盾的能力 )
Daring/Taking risks( 敢于承担风险的能力 Initiative: operating autonomously/proactively( 主动性 )
Autonomy ( 自主力 )
Authority, influence ( 影响力 )
Resistance to stress ( 压力管理的能力 )
Self Steering ( 自我驾驭能力 )
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Assertiveness has three phases:
Speaking up ( 敢于表达 )
Opening up ( 开诚布公 )
Standing firm ( 坚持立场 )
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Speaking up 敢于表达 The first basic phase is Being there . Communication starts with non-
verbal behavior, which goes through all phases:
Clothing/body: clean, without bad smell
Sit/stand/walk, body remains straight
Keep eye contact
Speak loud enough, change intonation
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Opening up 开诚布公Put down mask after on the stage. “ 唯天下至诚 , 为能尽其性 . 能尽其性 ,
则能尽人之性 .”
saying yes or no, when we want to
ask favors and make requests
communicate our feelings and thoughts in an
open and direct way
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Standing firm 坚持立场 The highest stage: “Standing up for yourself without needlessly
offending other people”
You have the right doing anything as long as it does
not hurt someone
You have the right to maintain your dignity by being
assertive –even if it hurts someone else (provided
you are not intentionally trying to hurt them i.e.
being aggressive.
You have the right to make a request from someone,
as long as you recognize that the other person has
the rights to say no.
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Using “I” statements
The word “I” is your personal visiting card for all different
kinds of relational situations.
I statement can be used to voice one’s own feelings and
wishes without expressing a judgment or blaming
Standing up for yourself starts by using the word “I”
Dispute resolution; conversation opener; constructive
criticism
State how one sees things and how one would like things to
be, without using inflaming language
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You Statements show a lack of respect for the other person put the blame on the other person can feel insulting or judgmental trigger defensive behavior undermine the other person’s self-confidence create resistance to change instead of
cooperation can be interpreted as a disciplinary action
I-I-You feedback by Marieta Koopmans
I I see/hear/read…
I I feel
You Involve the other person and ask:
Do you recognize/understand…?
Request what to be improved/changed.
Behavior Change( 行为改变 ) It is a complicated process, which takes long time.
Unfreezing( old habi
t )软化
Changing( new
behavior )形成
Freezing( new habi
t )固化
Through three ways:through thinking ( 通过思考 ) through feeling ( 通过感受 ) through doing ( 通过行动 )
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Assertive or Not ?
It is all up to you.
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