Assertive

Communication

It takes COURAGE to speak YOURSELF out.

By: Gul-e-Aqsa (MPhil)

4 basic communicating styles

• Passive communicating style

• Assertive communicating style

• Aggressive communicating style.

• Passively-aggressive communicating style

What is Passive Communication

• Passive communication is:

• Not speaking up for yourself, either because you think your views don’t matter or for reasons like trying to please everyone or ‘keep the peace’

• Putting your needs last to the needs of others

• Allowing yourself to be bullied or ignored

• Non-verbal signs: Often involves speaking quietly or with a hesitating voice, or with body-language like looking at the floor or shrugging the shoulders

• They may undermine your opinions with passive phrases such as: only if you don’t mind, or: but it really doesn’t matter that much to me

The internal conflict that can be created by passive

behavior can lead to:

• Feelings of victimization

• Stress

• Resentment

• Seething anger/ frustration.

• Desire to exact revenge

• If you use a passive communication style, others are more likely to ignore your needs, which may leave you feeling hurt or even angry with them for not treating you better.

What is Assertive Communication

• Assertiveness means expressing your point of view in a way that is clear and

direct, while still respecting others.

• Assertive communication is the ability to express your opinions in an open,

honest, and direct way. It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves

without judging or blaming others.

• Communicating assertively means expressing your ideas in a civilized way

without being too aggressive or too passive.

Assertive body language includes the following:

• a. Maintaining direct eye contact

• b. Maintaining an erect posture

• c. Speaking clearly and audibly

• d. Making sure you do not have a whiny quality to your voice

• e. Using facial expression and gestures to add emphasis to your words

Short term consequences of assertive

communication

• Increased heart beat

• Anxiety related symptoms like: increased pulse rate, palpitation, choking etc.

• Fear of getting misunderstood or over pressured.

• Feeling of giving up to stand up for your stance and temptation to go back

to your previous communication styles.

• Fear of being ridiculed or over powered.

(Long-term) benefits of assertive

communication

• Increased feelings of self-confidence/self-esteem.

• Increased feelings of self-worth.

• Positive reactions from others

• Create win-win situations

• Improve your decision-making skills

• Earn respect from others

• Reduced anxiety in social situations.

• Less somatic symptoms due to anxiety: headaches, stomach problems

• Improved communication with people .

What is Aggressive Communication

• Force your needs or opinions onto others.

• Often involves bullying or pushing others around.

• Only your needs matter.

• No compromise.

• Damages relationships.

• May lead to shouting or physical aggression to get point across.

• Damages self-esteem

The conflicts that can be created by aggressive

behavior can lead to:

• You may think that being aggressive gets you what you want.

• However, it comes at a cost.

• Aggression undercuts trust and mutual respect.

• Others may come to resent you, leading them to avoid or oppose you.

• Disturbed relationships

• Feeling of rejection

• Negative self-evaluation (negative self-interpretation)

• Depressive feeling inside due to internal and external condflicts.

What is Passive-aggressive Communication

style.

• If you communicate in a passive-aggressive manner, you may say yes,

when you want to say no.

• You may be sarcastic or complain about others behind their backs. Rather

than confronting an issue directly, you may show your anger and feelings

through your actions or negative attitude. You may have developed a passive-

aggressive style because you're uncomfortable being direct about your needs

and feelings directly.

Consequences of Passive-aggressive

Communication.

• Over time, passive-aggressive behavior damages relationships and undercuts mutual respect, thus making it difficult for you to get your goals and needs met in a long run.

• Internally you feel yourself low thus, Low self-esteem and self-confidence

• Negative self-evaluation

• Stress

• Feeling of being a “bad me”

• Complains of having somatic symptoms due to guilt and stress such as; headache, belly ache or numbness. “Feeling of sick inside”

Principles of assertive communication

• Remember the 3 C’s principle:

1. Confidence: state facts, step up to the challenge

2. Clarity: easy to understand, clearly articulated

3. Control: monitor your emotions, stay composed, repeat the

same message until understood (broken record)

Principle # 2

Practice, flexibility, skills, retreat and retry

• Assertive communication takes practice.

• * Flexibility: Match your style of communication to the situation/person

you are communicating with.

• * Skill, not personality: Communication styles are skills, not personality

styles. You can learn to become more assertive.

• * Retreat, think, return: Take a break from the conversation. Relax/rethink

and then try again.

Learning to be more assertive

Use polite words

• * Call a person by their name

• * Use humor: it breaks down negative emotions and will put tense situations at ease

• * Use appropriate words: “excuse me” “thank you” “I appreciate it”.

Begin you sentences with "I" instead of "you"

• * Using “you” puts the other person on the defensive

• * Prefer "I": “I think…” “I noticed…” “I didn’t like…” “I am concerned about…”

Learning to be more assertive

continued….

Say what you want, stay objective (not subjective), use metrics to substantiate your arguments

• * Don’t leave the other person in the dark

• * Show initiative

• * Present facts and data, not opinions and interpretations

• * Always get the facts right before you pass judgment

• * Let the person know your goal or possible solution

• * Handle the gossip by addressing the gossip (de-triangulation). How? connect the two individuals who share

the issue.

• * e.g.: “I heard that John complained about Rick.” => “Have you checked with John about this? Has he talked

to Rick about it?

Learning to be more assertive

continued….

Criticize the behavior, not the person

• * Don’t put the person down

• * Focus on their behavior when communicating

• * Instead of ”You're too slow!” say “I don’t think you are doing your share

of the work.”

• * Look at the person in the eyes

Learning to be more assertive

continued….

Repeat the problem back, articulate the issues

• * Keep on track

• * If other topics are introduced. Repeat the problem back

• * This indicates that you want to solve the original problem first

• * You can talk about other problems later

• * Stay focused on the issue – do not get distracted, defensive, or start justifying yourself

• * Get group validation

Learning to be more assertive

continued….

Make commitments where appropriate

• * For example: Who’s going to do what? Who takes the lead? When are they going to do it?

• * Everyone needs a clear understanding: Answer: who, what, when, where, how much, how many

• * Display strength and courage, and step up to the challenge

• * Own the results, the risks like the failure. Be honest about it.

Points to remember

• Other individuals have a right to respond to your assertiveness with their own wants, needs, feelings, and ideas.

• An assertive encounter with another individual may involve negotiating an agreeable compromise.

• Assertive behavior not only is concerned with what you say but how you say it. So, Assertive words accompanied by appropriate assertive “body language” makes your message more clear and impactful.

• Assertive behavior is a skill which is sometimes already present in people while sometimes we have to learn it through practice.

• Assertive communication is not just about words but non-verbal signs are also a part of this communication style.

SUMMARY

Assertiveness is about

• * Protecting your rights without violating the rights of others

• * To communicate with respect and to understand each other

• * To find a solution to the problem.

• * To take risk with others in the short run, but in the long run, relationships

grow much stronger.

SUMMARY

How to be skilled in assertiveness!

• * Prepare, practice, debrief

• * Maintain eye contact, listen and validate others

• * Confidence, clear, control, broken record

• * Polite but persistent, "I"-statements, use objective facts, criticize with style,

articulate problems, get group validation, make commitment

Assertive comm. Record sheet

(self-assessment rec. sheet)

• Record instances where you’ve communicated assertively and list the emotions you felt afterwards.

1. ____________________________________________________________________

Emotions: _____________________________________________________________

2. ____________________________________________________________________

Emotions: _____________________________________________________________

3. ____________________________________________________________________

Emotions: _____________________________________________________________