as usual, the greeks started it all;-)

1©2013 Chuck Papageorgiou. All rights reserved. Feb 2013 – The discipline of conversations

WHATTHE %^#%

DID YOU SAY?The Discipline of Conversations

Twitter @ChuckPapaGBlog http://chuckpblog.ideasphere.com

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As usual, The Greeks started it all;-)

Thucidides - THE MELIAN DIALOGUE (Circa 400BC)History of the Peloponnesian War


And the rest of the world followed! Business

Dialogue and TQM – mid-80’s A plethora of books on dialogue skills required for Total Quality

Mgmt Crucial Conversations - 2002

Over 20 months on Business Week’s Best Seller List Crucial Confrontations - 2005

New York Times Best Seller List Life

How to Win Friends and Influence People – 1936 In Paperback – 2009 - 7 months on Business Week’s Best Seller

List You Just Don't Understand: Women And Men In Conversation -

1990 Multiple editions in many languages


Absent the brain of a genius or the family fortunes of a mogul;

The ability to manage interactions, negotiations, tough

conversations, and touchy situations has been a

characteristic of successful people since the beginning of

time


And it’s not getting any easier! Increased pressure

Timely results require highly effective and efficient communication

Educational systems Do not deliver practical tools for effective, efficient,

high speed communications Multiculturalism and Globalization

New dimensions to “denotations and connotations” Political Correctness

Discussing tough subjects is a risky proposition


Business Conversations that matterWHAT’s at STAKE?HOW MANY OPINIONS?HOW DO WE FEEL ABOUT IT?

Only 10-20% of our daily conversations have meaningful organizational impact and are defined as the ones with:

High Stakes, with Many Differing Opinions, driven by Strong Emotions


Discipline of Conversations! Understand

“The Universal Model” Prepare

“The Six Primitive Interrogatives” Frame

“STATE” Tools

Rehearsal I Language Contrast Verbal Jiu-Jitsu


A UNIVERSAL MODELI See/Hear/Read Something

I Tell Myself a Story

I Feel an Emotion

I Choose an Action

SilenceViolence

Indifferen

ce


Actions and Reactions Silence

Physical – Stop talking Emotional – Retreat or

the Frozen Smile Political – Yes or Agree

to Disagree Behavioral – Ignore

person talking

Violence Physical – Violence

such as hitting or pushing

Emotional – Sarcasm or Intentional Hurtfulness

Political – Reframing of argument

Behavioral – Loudness or Chest Puffing

Indifference Physical –Shrugging, Not paying attention

Emotional – No feelings attached to response

Political – Defining as not-relevant, Ignoring Behavioral – Disengagement


First Things First! Know your natural tendencies

More often than not and generally consistent Depends on the stories we tell ourselves Outward display depends on the situation

Learn to recognize the reactions of others Regular Patterns or Disruption of regular patterns Cultural and Gender differences play a role

Manage these simultaneously when in conflict Yours and Theirs!


The Six Primitive Interrogatives Why?

Why am I having (planning to have) the conversation? What?

What do I want to get out of the conversation? How?

How would/should (not) the conversation progress? Who?

Who is/should be (not) part of the conversation? When?

When will/should (not) the conversation occur? Where?

Where will/should (not) the conversation take place?


The STATE Framework S – Share your facts

What did I see or hear? T – Tell your story

What are/could be my conclusions? A – Ask for their path

How do they see it? T – Tentatively propose

What if (solution)…?Where am I wrong? E – Encourage testing

Even if it is different from mine, what is your perspective?

Adapted from Crucial Conversations


Some simple tools (but not easy) Rehearsal

It prepares you for a variety of responses I-Language and Open Ended Questions

It helps avoid triggering defense mechanisms Contrast

It sets boundaries and avoids spiraling conversations ‘Verbal Jujitsu’

It helps you to redirect the unreasonable


Rehearsal Play the conversation out in your head

Imagine the dialogue, both yours and the other person’s

Say it out loud, test how it sounds Especially helpful in email conversations

Examine the path of the conversation Consider the other person’s viewpoints Follow/create alternate paths based on varied

responses Plan your responses

Respond don’t react! Avoid reacting to “fighting words,” triggers, or

surprises


I-Language - Open Ended Questions I-Language is a way to express how we feel

about a situation without triggering a defensive response

I feel….is neither defensive nor offensive There is only one person you can control, YOU

Open Ended Questions focus on the process What was the outcome? vs Did you do it? If the answer can be Yes or No, it’s closed ended

It’s not easy to DO every day and requires practice

It requires engaging brain before engaging mouth


Contrasting What I Want - What I Do Not Want

I want to understand why this term is included I do not want to re-negotiate our deal

What I Mean - What I Do Not Mean I want to review inefficiencies I do not mean to imply anything about competence I am asking, I am not challenging

What I Believe - What I Do Not Believe I believe your promotion was well deserved I do not believe we have set you up with the tools to

succeed


Verbal Jiu-Jitsu Help others to hear their unreasonable

statements Address generalizations or incendiary comments

‘They’re all incompetent’ ‘That will be a waste of billions of dollars’ ‘He/She/They are Evil’

Attach implied actions to unreasonable statements

Well, Let’s do something about it Let’s kill all the Lawyers

Requires ‘amused detachment’ Sometimes people are just funny! Take the work seriously, not yourself

Can be used to counter ‘sound bites’ But don’t engage in sound-bite-exchange


Why be disciplined about this? Tangible Costs Of Entry

Less friction in daily interactions More effective in reaching bottom-line objectives Reduces drama!

Intangible Leadership Qualities Become known as a “smooth operator” Build relationships as part of getting results on the

task at hand rather than “personality or social compatibilities”

Lower level of stress by avoiding over-reaction


And if you can only remember…. Conversations that occur in high-pressure

situations, can and will significantly impact your organization. Don’t take them lightly

The fundamental models have stood the test of time. Focus on creating a framework for conversation – the rationale, the dialogue, and the structure

Pick a number of techniques that work for you and can be used to diffuse high-pressure situations and to effectively engage and manage conversations

Your ability to influence, and your personal brand, are significantly impacted by your ability to effectively engage in conversation.


Q&A Session and Selected Quotes God gave me the stubbornness of a mule and a

fairly keen scent Albert Einstein

Management goes only so far, it stops a step short of genius

Fortune magazine 11/99 A visionary is supposed to have a vision of the

future. I think I was right most of the time Ted Turner 1997

Chuck, What the &*&# were you thinking?People, Frequently

as usual, the greeks started it all;-)

Documents

chuck papageorgiou

discipline of conversationsand

tough conversations

daily conversations

dialogue skills

melian dialogue

high stakes

influence people