April Fool’s 2015

1 0 0 % r e c y l c e d b y 1 0 0 % o f s t u d e n t s

The haT ChaT

FunkyGal1997 Frowning, ‘16

BEN WINDERMAN RUNS FOR OFFICE: “Where are my BFF’s?”

Simple curvature: SATs in Comic SansKarrotsCool Dance Moves, ‘17

Ben Winderman, AP government and civics teacher at HH, is now starting a new level of involvement with US politics. Winderman is running for United States pres-ident on the Democratic ticket. On any given day, you can find Winderman typing, reading or working with students on the third floor. In a classroom with a whole bulletin board dedi-cated to wolves and an excessive amount of cardboard boxes, one may not think that Win-derman may fit in with seasoned politicians. “I think I’m going to fit in fine. They [politi-cians] are just ostriches, they’re squawking at each other.” Without a doubt, Winderman is a dark horse candidate for the 2016 race. But voters will be able to relate to Winder-man’s ways - he lives exactly the way many Americans do. With a hatred of parking lots, a large array of warmly-colored flannel shirts and a red Prius, Winderman is out to represent the average American in the political rodeo. It’s his relatable nature and obscure terminol-ogy that make Winderman so engaging, and it will certainly play a role in how his campaign turns out. “In this race, we’re taking the com-

mon person on a hayride. We’re all going to wear overalls,” he said. The Democratic Convention will be held on July 25, 2015 in Philadelphia. “I’m going to ride SEPTA to the convention. Taking public transportation directly from home isn’t some-thing that every candidate will be able to do. I think that will be a great entrance for me, because it shows I really care about infrastruc-ture and environment, and how well air-con-ditioned SEPTA train cars are.” With time to prepare, Winderman has kept himself busy with his campaign and class. Desks are strewn from numerous class discus-sions, most recent discussion topic being the bureaucracy. “Politicians rarely know what they’re talking about,” he says solemnly. But having such a strong background in teaching political sciences will undoubtedly give Wind-erman the upper hand, but he doesn’t want to lose his roots in teaching. “I feel confident in what I know and what I’ve taught, but I don’t want the fame of pres-idency to go to my head. I’m really not into mass media coverage, but it made Clinton so

much more...saxophone-ish.” Winderman’s classes have been historic for their sporadic nature, and Winderman lectures often contain random details and tangents. The most popular example of Winderman’s engaging teaching style is the time in which he brought in an entire box of candy and de-clared it to be the only thing he had planned for the day. Alas, Winderman seems to have a habit of pulling something out of nothing - he seems to be constantly pulling names, dates, policy and the like out of the banks of his memory and providing it to students during lectures, which are enriched with vigorous hand movements. Winderman’s eccentric style will most defi-nitely lend a hand to the lifestyle of a politi-cian. “Remember when Dick Cheney shot his friend? That was weird,” he reflects, looking out along the sea of graded work and notes that make up his desk. “There’s a lot of weird things, especially in politics.” We wish Ben Winderman the best of luck at the convention, and as always, look forward to what he has in store.

SATs are hard. SATs are scary. Adults cram study tips down our throats like it’s an essential part of a balanced breakfast. We curse the point in human evolution when we started to vocalize thoughts. Little did they know that that crucial tipping point of human history would ultimately result in the dreaded SAT essay questions. And don’t even get me started on the ancient Greeks and their math. If they knew it would lead to the SATs, I’m sure they would’ve made it easier and just ignored the triangle all together. Don’t you just wish there was a way to make the SATs easier? I mean, studying and learning test takes tips might work, but that would require ef-fort. Effort that could be better used watching “Bob’s Burgers.” But you know what will really work to improve those grades and get your parents off your back? Comic Sans. That’s right, Comic Sans. The beautiful font that once riddled our elementary school essays that has all too often been disregarded. A new study from Schnitzburg University re-ported that students who took the SATs in Comic Sans had on average a 100% increase in their score. That’s right, 100%. That’s one way to get your par-

ents to quit their nagging! According to both a 2002 and a 2013 study done by the Carolina University of Table Tennis, 5 out of every 7 students who took the SAT’s in Comic Sans found a penny walking out of the exam room. Not only will that penny get you good luck, but also it will help you save up for those ridiculously expensive colleges that you’ll get into! Don’t believe me? Don’t believe the cold hard truth? Maybe Captain Nick Kelly, Senior at HH and Master Pun Teller will convince you. After taking the SATs in Comic Sans, he re-ported that, “It really helped. It made what they were saying relatable and easy to ready for us hip kids who were stressed.” Why does Comic Sans do this, you ask? It’s simple, really. According to SAT expert, Leroy Jenkins, your optical nerves easily pick up on the simple beauty and curvature of Comic Sans. This not only will help you in the math, critical reading, and writing portion, but also the “gold and white or blue and black” section. So forget study-ing; who needs it? The exaggerated roundness and overwhelming sophistication of Comic Sans will be the only help you’ll need. You’re welcome. Enjoy your Netflix in peace.

April Fools2 April Fools 3

LIST OF REJECTED CLUB IDEAS FOUND

Reid “I’ve seen it before” CeniviviWahbam!, ‘15

HAT CHAT STAFF MEMBERS SUSPENDED

Wears Boat ShoesUnpaid Intern, ‘17

Visual GorillaSurprise! ‘17

The “Hat Chat” editorial staff circa September 2014. The remaining editorial staff is working dilgently to ensure that positions will be filled. Not pictured, but exiled all the same: Entertainment editor Alana Karras, staff writers Vishal Gorawala and Nick Arbaugh and unpaid intern Ethan McInerney.

Joseph Kim, editorialssuspended after attempting to change his name to Broseph slim in order to pursue his “k-pop rap career” and engaging in unruly behavior. after stage diving into a mosh pit at his latest concert, he subsequently broke every bone in his body in a looney toons-esque cloud of dust, a direct result of the mayhem. he is currently awaiting a full body transplant. the combination of extreme in-juries and scandalous behavior prompted Kim’s release from “the hat Chat.” Kim was not available to comment.

ethan mCinerney, unpaid internsuspended after asking for outrageous sums of money, a total amount-ing to about $3.29, the same as a pack of skittles at CVs. he was last seen storming out of the surprise party that was his release from staff. the whereabouts of mcinerney are unknown, but undoubtedly in the vicinity of a CVs pharmacy. mcinerney was not available for com-ment. in unrelated news, a hat Chat position has opened up! Flexible hours, great staff, the chance of a lifetime. send an email to hatchat@gmail.com to apply. no payment.

BigFoot searCh team “He’s out there, and we will find him right here in Horsham.” Requests included subpar photography equipment, a fieldtrip to Mount Rainier, and various birdcall instruction booklets.

hatter ConspiraCy theory CluB “If I’m here, and you’re out there, WHO is knocking on the door?” Requests included mini flashlights and a key to “the third door in the lobby steps.”

senioritis anonymous no comments, no requests.

the red pass Brigade “Where are you headed to, hun?” requests included red construction paper and a laminator.

the BreaKFast CluB “We’ll be harshly offended if you haven’t seen this movie. it’s a ClassiC. a real ClassiC.” requests included John hughes and a loveable teenage cast.

Vishal goraWala, staFF Writerafter joining "the hat Chat” with seemingly good intentions, it was discovered gorawala was planning to overthrow senior editors in order to create a more biased publication, just to spite them. When his locker was searched by a K9 unit of teacup poo-dles, investigators were shocked to see that it was now a massive shrine, every square inch covered by pictures of biased news an-chors. once gorawala’s plan was uncovered to school adminis-tration, he was immediately suspended. gorawala was not avail-able to comment.

Brendan WaWrzyniaK, editorials Wawrzyniak has reportedly broken into a local pizzeria for a midnight snack run. the bumbling Junior tripped the silent alarm, leading to the entire police department attempting to thwart him. For five hours, Waw-rzyniak evaded police by using his superb wrestling skills, despite having at least seven live taser cords hanging from his chest. principal Williams was impressed according to some reports, but was forced to suspend Wawrzyn-iak, even after the hungry hero offered to steal an entire pizza pie for the principal. he was not available for comment.

gern paK, puzzlesFound to be intentionally omitting spaces in crosswords for his own twisted amusement, also laughing “hysterically, like a man pos-sessed” at confused and irritated students and teachers, according to one source. according to some witness accounts, the failure of vari-ous hh staff members failed to solve one of said crossword puzzles after 48 sleepless hours an internal investigation was launched. pak was not available for comment.

niCK arBaugh, staFF Writer nick arbaugh was found plotting a coup d’etat against the current staff members of “the hat Chat”. he planned to transform “the hat Chat” into the local Fox News affiliate’s newspaper. Arbaugh was unable to comment on his recent suspension as he is currently plotting his revenge and planning to start an independent newspaper titled “the right Wing.” the latest report on the progress of this publication remains largely unknown, besides the ru-mor that mrs. Cindy arbaugh’s famous blondies are being served.

tori sWiaCKi, editor-in-ChieFSwiacki has been suspended indefinitely for lying to the students of hatboro-horsham high school in the articles she had written. she had claimed that the thanksgiving pep rally had a record-breaking thirteen thousand students in attendance. “the hat Chat” inter-viewed swiacki and she was quoted as saying, “Counting is hard. i’ve always struggled with it and i don’t seem to understand why.” she was not available for comment. more information about the future of “the hat Chat” and its upper echelon of command will be released as soon as all details are finalized.

reed CeniViVa, Front page mistaken for the leader of a notorious local biker gang while walking into the building because of his menacing leather jacket. Ceniviva then de-cided he actually wanted to be the leader of a notorious local biker gang, and formed "gang green," a punny yet dangerous gang of thugs planning to run hatboro-horsham through mob rule. mr. Williams stated that this was absolutely unacceptable, leading to Ceniviva’s immediate suspension from “the hat Chat,” despite his protests that he didn’t choose the thug life. according to Ceniviva, the thug life chose him. he was not available for further comment.

After finding a way to get through browser security, a student who will remain anonymous came across information regarding discarded club proposals, as well as their summaries and requests. When asked about the information, the student told us: “i don’t know man, i would join these.” the following list reveals what hatboro horsham high school has been keeping out from the public and what they don’t want you to see.

NEWS IN BRIEF:the topics everyone’s talking about in easy-to-chew bite-sized

pieces. FunkyGal1997 Editor-in-Chief, ‘16

hh Fire drill is immense success

hhtV Van parked in stadium stolen out of 46 new promposals, only 42 are puns!

“We’re all safe from that metaphorical fire,” Horsham Fire Chief confirms. “Everyone found their class in a record time of ten minutes.”

in addition, only 60% of ideas were stolen off the internet - a record low!

Selfie Sunday Postponed to Monday One more day to find your best angle and download photoshop software.

a secondary van has embarked in the search to replace this historic hh monument.

tragic Backpack Beating15 sophomore boys suffered minor injuries after blocking the entrance to the auditorium before the 7:20 bell. “i said ‘excuse me’ about 20 times before i lost it,” perpetrator said.

April Fools 4

FunkyGal1997Former Editor-in-Chief, ‘16

THE TWO WAY: “HAT CHAT” STAFF REPLACED WITH KEYBOARD-MASHING MONKEYS?

Tiddles the MonkeyExtremely Talented, ‘89

Alas, dear readers, the day has come: the future of journal-ism has been gently passed on to a happier, cleaner and slightly screech-ier place. After the 42.78% rise in readership, the original human edito-rial staff of The Hat Chat has been officially replaced by fifteen monkeys for the sake of efficency. The reasons for doing so are plentiful: • one less pizza party a month, saving the school approximately $23 a month (which saves $276 annually, all of which will go towards a brand new turf for the main gym)• three hundred fewer exasperated sighs per month, which would reduce the amount of carbon dioxide in F209 by 0.0007%. • An 8777% increase in the amount of fertilizer available for the brand new gym turf • $43 in ink savings, monkeys don’t care about rough drafts! “The monkeys are so much faster. They don’t any distractions that we ran into with our human staff. They don’t even have a sense of social construct!” says Kimberly English-Murphy, the for-mer co advisor of the homo-sapien version of “The Hat Chat.” Stacy Soricelli, the second former co advisor to “The Hat Chat,”weighs in: “At least monkeys don’t have a scene phase. We’re witnessing the future, right here in Hatboro-Horsham!” The duties Murphy and Soricelli has yet to be decided - there has been a discussion of eradicating the position of advisor alto-gether because as previously discussed, monkeys don’t have a sense of social construct. But what about the opinion of the student body? The loyal readers who throw “The Hat Chat” in the recycle bin every month? “At least monkeys didn’t make ‘50 Shades of Grey,’” says Senior Marcus Peppel. On the opposing opinion, Sophomore Alana Karras said “I HATE monkeys,” after losing her position as Entertainment editor and “Earthiest Member of The Hat Chat” to Tiddles the monkey. “They scare me. I don’t like going to the zoo.” Karras declined a second interview. We were unable to get in contact with any of the journalist primates for an interview, partially because we were frightened by their piercing stares and confused pounding on school keyboards. However, Tiddles the monkey did find the time to write a piece for the purposes of the last human issue of “The Hat Chat.”

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Hatter’s Discovery Hour ProPosal: 15 rounD Prize FigHt

SteakMakes a great meatloaf, ‘16

As Hatters Discovery hour sweeps through the school, lighting the fires of creativity and open debate, its latest chapter has left even some of its staunch-est followers puzzled. The question that is on everybody’s mind is simple: “Why is the latest dis-covery hour a 15 round prize fight be-tween Bob Lochel and Joel Evans?” While tensions between the two rival Statistics teachers were known to be strained, a bare knuckles fistfight wasnt even on the table. “The big guy’s had it coming for years,” said Mr. Lochel. “I wanted to give him a good punch in the face since the day I met him.” Evidently, Mr. Lochel is taking the up-coming exhibition extremely seriously, and has been seen using P90x workout videos and chugging protein shakes to bulk up.

Mr. Evans, on the other hand, isn’t worried in the slightest. “I’ve seen Rocky IV at least three times,” he said, “And I’m looking forward to putting Lochel’s SPDC (State Plan Do Conclude) six feet underground.” Different teaching methods were the main contributors to the increase in ten-sions. The fight will undoubtedly decide whether Evans’ various methods, such as PHANTOMS and CUSS, or Lochel’s SPDC method is to be used in the future. When asked for comment on the validity of his method, Mr. Lochel stated “Evans is gonna be a PHANTOM when I’m done with him.” Lochel wasn’t the only statistics teacher spitting fire, with Evans claim-ing “SPDC makes too much sense to be true. One acronym for every problem in the book? No, I’m afraid that’s Bush League.”

The prize pool, which currently stands at $35, goes to the last man standing. Junior Brendan Wawrzyniak de-scribed the upcoming exhibition as “the fight of the century, between a legend and a beast,” and was finding it hard to pass the time until the big fight. Traditionally, Hatters Discovery Hours are designed for students to learn, but Mr. Lochel clearly has another thing on his mind, saying, “The only thing that will be learned here today is how a beast defeats a legend with superior tech-niques, aka SPDC.” There is clearly an immense amount of conflict between the two All-American Statistics teachers, which will surely lead to a great Discovery Hour. Join Mr. Evans and Mr. Lochel for the fight of the century on Friday, April 31st during 3D in the fourth floor LGI for a truly en-lightening experience.

Nick Arby’sFree at last, ‘16