Volume XII

Issue 6

1 April

2014Trinity Preparatory School P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney AUS thetrinityvoice.com

IN THIS TISSUE April

LOL this happened

UPCOMING CONTENTSnews..............2opinions... .....8focus..............Xlifestyles.......12sports........ ...17etcetera........X

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Pam Stenzel makes her return - April 21

OPINIONS FOCUS LIFESTYLES SPORTS

APRILL2

It’s Thursday morning at 7:59 A.M. Long advisory. It’s quiet. Too quiet. The usual bus-tle of the quad has been replaced by an eerie silence. The small flocks of hacky-sack-ers scurry off to their respective advisories. Middle schoolers cower behind their boxes of Dunkin Donuts, shaking in terror as the bell tower rings eight long, dismal chimes. Last week’s student overthrow of the fac-ulty resulted in Alex Nebel declaring her-self dictator of Trinity Prep. She emerges from her nest on top of the library, dressed head to toe in a full tribal warfare out-fit. A sinister smile creeps across her clay painted face. The silence is broken by a soft whisper: “Let the games begin.” After successfully overthrowing the Craig-master in a fatal blood bath, Neebs de-clared that the surviving teachers would be thrown into the quad, now trans-formed into an arena of death and glory. The tributes have one last, cher-ished moment behind the security of their closed classroom doors as the bell tower makes its eighth, final chime. And they’re off towards the rock to col-lect their desired weapons. Arney’s in the lead, making swift retrieval of a meter stick and taking out Kanouse in the process. DeRosier is second to the rock. She grabs Darwin’s On the Origin of Species and re-peatedly chants to herself, “Adapt, migrate or die.” In a flash, Lali disappears from sight. All at once, everyone’s at the rock. The Burmeister clan. Gone. Ballard. Gone too soon. Ballard gasps for his last breath and wheezes, “Chuck Nadd, I have done you wrong.” Milsten looks over at the corpse and makes it his life’s duty to bring honor to Fiodor. Galindo tries to escape the scene with a stapler but is taken down by LeGuilloux with one swift move of an croissant. Speicher, what are you doing? Put down the Pride and Prejudice book! She boomerangs her novella towards Dr. P., but at the last sec-ond Dr. V. scampers by and is struck by the 397-page projectile. Another one is lost to the ruthlessness of Bingley & Co. Krueger and Garnett have a gentlemen’s quarrel by the south end of the quad. Mid-swing, Krueger loses his mojo and spots a Northern Goshawk as it soars directly above

him. Krueger, no! Students everywhere gasp in horror as they watch the scene from their loaner laptops. Garnett doesn’t miss a beat. As the first hour comes to a close, the bell chimes seventeen times, one for each fallen tribute. The whole middle school fac-ulty has been exterminated. The humani-ties teachers appear to have formed an alliance. Staking out the rock of salvation, they spray paint it with the message “th3 Oxf0rd c0mma liV3z.” Butrimas and Arney engage in a meter stick-cane brawl outside the south-east entrance of the library. Butri-mas, overpowering Arney, draws her cane back for the kill. Charging out from behind the bell tower, Bowden heroically pushes Ar-ney out of harms way and takes the blow for his BFFL. Bowden lies on the ground, ut-tering his last words slowly. “I just wanted to capture the moment,” he squeaks as his Nikon D3s made one last, final shutter. Click. “NOOOO!” screams Arney, spinning around to face Butrimas. He attacks, and after a two-minute battle, he corners her under the bell tower. His eyes brim with tears over the death of his comrade. Just as he raises his meter stick, Arney is dis-tracted momentarily by a figure leaping from the bell tower. It’s Dr. Boerth, clothed in full samurai attire. This second of hesita-tion is all Butrimas needs to impale Arney. The ruthless Butrimas turns towards D-Biz-zle, her next victim, but he is already half-

way across the quad, sprinting toward the deck. Where is he going? He leaps majesti-cally over the picnic tables on the deck and finds two cowering faculty members. He has targeted Pinson and Herron. It appears he is getting revenge for the countless cen-sored newspaper articles. He finishes them off quickly and effortlessly and retreats back into the darkness, the heart of darkness. Dusk settles in on the quad. A shaky, un-stable Epson projector displays the year-book pictures of fallen tributes in the black-ening night sky. We’re now down to the final few. The remaining tributes are giv-en their rations of food for the night. They dine on either a week-old chicken biscuit or a squirrel-ransacked sandwich from a ninth grader’s Vera Bradley lunch box. Butrimas creates a fortress of forensics tro-phies around the rock. Milsten and Garnett devour their chicken biscuits and proceed to survey the land. They seem to be wander-ing toward Mrs. Burmeister’s room to take shelter underneath the deck. A fatal mis-take. The wild cats, ravenous after a week without being fed, attack. The bell tower chimes twice. The clock is ticking as the last handful of tributes battle for the victory. Daybreak. Dr. P. is seen crawling towards the rock. He begs Speicher and Butrimas for mercy and hands them the water bot-tle as a peace offering. How nice. Butri-mas forces Speicher to try the water first,

Bloodshed con-tributes to school spiritNEwsies

Troy Deal V

MELMAN and EDNA STAFF SLAVES

APRILL APRILLL

and Speicher collapses, gagging and gasping for breath. Sue creaks, “I’ve been poisoned!” The bell tower chimes. Acting quickly, Butrimas pins down Dr. P. and through a tight headlock he sputters, “It was just the water from the lake!” Sam-ples from the AP Environmental class say this theory is highly probable. As the day progresses, the violence re-mains far and few between. We’re down to our fi nal two. Boerth and Butrimas. Butri-mas sits on her throne of trophies, surveying her kingdom. Dr. Boerth is nowhere in sight. Neebz grows impatient at the lack of bloodshed and releases a pack of ra-bid squirrels into the arena. An ago-nized cry sounds from the hollow halls of Holloway. In a moment of hamartia, Dr. Boerth attempts to befriend the pack of squirrels. The consequences are fatal. The last bell chimes. It appears we have a winner! Butrimas takes a victory lap around the quad and returns to her throne at the rock. Neebz is paraded out into the quad on a sedan chair supported by sixth grade students. But wait, what’s that in the tree? “No. No, it can’t be. It’s impossible,” whispers Neebz as she clenches onto her rainstick. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It’s Lali DeRosier! DeRosier, as graceful as a gazelle, pounces from her perch in a nearby tree and swoops in on Butrimas. She painstakingly climbs up

the side of the rock to where Butrimas sits, completely dumbfounded. DeRosier at-tacks, grappling with Butrimas as each tries to haul the other off the rock. Neebz watch-es impatiently as she waits for someone to be thrown to their death. “Release the middle schoolers,” she whispers ominously. The doors of the auditorium fl y open as a storm of middle school-

(itz about faith, frands and da hunga games)NEWZ

ers and their rolling backpacks fl ood the quad. “STAMPEDE!” hollers Neebz. The battle on the rock is getting in-tense. It appears Butrimas has lost her foot-ing! Butrimas slides off the side of the rock, grabbing onto DeRosier’s hand on the way down. “Lali,” she gasps, “help me.” DeRosier leans over the rock, and stares at the charge of middle school-ers rushing towards the Grille. “Let the strongest live and the weakest die,” she mutters in homage to Darwin. DeRosier ruthlessly releases Butrimas’s hand. Butrimas plunges into the stam-pede of starving middle schoolers, con-sumed in a cloud of dust. In the swarm of people, all that is seen is a single hand reaching for the sky. The fi nal bell chimes. A rabid, mud covered DeRosier takes her rightful place on the throne of the rock. Neebz parades over on her throne to award the victor with a crown constructed from forgotten student IDs and vibrant, green tardy slips. A muffl ed cheer erupts from the Upper Schoolers held captive in the auditorium. What a game, what a game! Such a suc-cess for the fi rst Trinity Prep Hunger Games! Stay tuned next week as we put freshmen into the arena. Happy Hunger Games!

Troy Deal V

avril 2014ik

The Administration has always had to put up with the constant tension between the yearbook and newspaper staffs. Over the years, there have been constant insults, fights and practical jokes between both groups. This all started way back in 1968. It is fabled that two former students wanted to start the first club on cam-pus. Erin Miller, current 9th grade English teacher and faculty adviser of the news-paper, wanted to create the school newspaper and envisioned, the world fa-mous, Trinity Voice. Ryan Bowden, current photo tea-cher and yearbook advisor, wanted to start up the year-book and didn’t envision much. This put, founder of Trinity, Canon Reese Hay in a very sticky situation. Hay had to choose which club would start first, due to a lack of funding. He even-tually approved to start the yearbook before the news-paper, supposedly because it was “more relevant” for the student body to have a yearbook than a monthly newspaper. After a long and strenuous three-year wait, the school finally got its own newspaper in ‘71. Ever since the yearbook ruling, the “Pub Lab Civil War,” and yes the pub lab was around back in 1968, was born. Just to be clear, yearbook started this war. From the very start, Bowden made it his life’s goal to destroy all of Miller’s dreams. “Ryan has bullied me my entire life, especially back in my awkward days,” Miller said. According to Miller, Bow-

den bribed Hay to start the yearbook first. “This claim of bribery cannot be further from the truth and is disheartening to hear,” Bowden said.The war has been especial-ly relevant this year consi-dering Robert Simms (year-book staffer) and Alex Ne-bel (newspaper editor) are star-crossed lovers. Many don’t realize this, but Alex Nebel is actually Erin Mil-ler’s eldest daughter, and Robert Simms is Ryan Bow-den’s eldest son. Bowden and Miller’s children had always been forbidden to make contact with each other. But, as we all know, they are a rebellious duo. The rivalry has been a tou-chy subject this year more than any other due to the recent increased tension between Miller and Bow-den. The yearbook has been especially angry at the newspaper ever since the yearbook drive got mys-teriously deleted just weeks before the annual year-book assembly. However Senior yearbook editor, Kris-ten Reinert whom I suspect delusional downplayed the feud, refusing to admit the sheer hatred the yearbook has for the newspaper.“There is no rivalry, Roger, I have no idea what you are talking about,” Reinert said.Troy Deal, Senior News edi-tor, sees it very differently. Deal says he’s been in a multitude of fist fights over the pub lab situation. “At times, the constant bickering and fighting is hard to ‘Deal’ with, but in the end, I’ll do whatever it takes to defend the honor of the newspaper,” Deal said and he’s serious. To show his dedication, before the release of every new issue, Deal shows up to

Pub lab war ends in chaosschool in body paint. Deal not only loves the newspa-per, he loves to put down the yearbook. He attemp-ted to start a Facebook group titled “Yearbooks Are Meant For The Closet.” He also wears black on the eve of the yearbook assembly.The tension between the yearbook and newspaper reached an all time high in February. The day the newspaper was sending its issue to press, the year-book staff had a different plan. As usual, the newspa-per sent its most trustworthy staffers, Jack Meeks and Mi-chael Leiferman, to protect and send the February issue to press, but the yearbook staff had a different plan. According to the Meeks, the yearbook staff ambus-hed him. He claims that he and Leiferman were hiding in their usual safe haven (the catwalk above the au-ditorium stage) when sud-denly a gang of yearbook staffers led by Parker Place and Robert Simms swooped in. “I was outraged! They tied me up and rubbed peanut butter all over me. The rest I will never repeat, Hey! This is off the record right?” said the Meeker, crying as he recounted his ordeal.But the story doesn’t end there, not by a long shot. Senior newspaper staffer Zach Kobrin telepathically sensed Meeks’ distress calls. “Whenever Meeks is in trouble, I always have a sudden urge to watch a One Direction video. Safe to say he gets in trouble a lot,” Kobrin said. This time, Kobrin said he knew Meeks was in big trouble because the video he craved to watch was “Best Song Ever.” He figu-red the Meekinator must

have been kidnapped.He was right; the yearbook hooligans had taken Meeks, Leiferman and the February issue to their ultra-secret hi-ding location, Mr. Rhoads’ room. The yearbook staff refused to comment on the issue.Kobrin knew that this ‘des-picable act’ could not be tolerated and gathered an elite crew of newspaper staffers made up of Troy Deal, Toni Cross and Alex Nebel to rescue the kidnap-ped staffers and newspa-per. “We crawled above the ceiling tiles until we final-ly reached Mr. Rhoads’ room,” said Nebel.Once they finally reached the tiles above Mr. Rhoads room, they burst directly through the ceiling and screamed “FOR THE PUB LAB!” What happened next is ex-tremely difficult to explain. The yearbook and newspa-per staffs both started an all-out brawl. Punches were thrown, kicks delivered and hair torn out. The four news staffers were severely out-numbered against the enti-re yearbook staff but fought valiantly. “Surprisingly the news staf-

fers were actually winning,” said Greg from the Grille.Stuff got real when Mr. Rhoads stood up and be-gan levitating. Everyone stopped fighting, dropped their pitchforks, swords, grenades, and nail clip-pers and stood in awe, as Rhoads shouted, “STOP! This battle is not for all, the only two that are to be called are Bowden, Ryan and Mil-ler, Erin.” Miller and Bowden both walked out to the front lines. Rhoads continued, saying, “The Pub Lab is supposed to be a glorious place, not one of hatred or violence. I, the self-proclaimed, ‘King of the Pub Lab’ declare the ‘Pub Lab Civil War’ is offi-cially over.” That’s all that it took. On that historic February day, the Pub Lab was finally brought to peace, and all of the staffers from both groups lived happily ever after. Or so they thought. Dennis Herron saw all of the chaos and didn’t let the two staffs get away with the millions of dollars’ worth of damage they caused. He abolished the year-book and newspapers fore-ver.

Holla at ya boi

STAFF SLAVE

NEWS

avril 2014 avril 2014 bn

The school has taken a new and necessary initiative for drug testing for all students on cam-pus. The built trust between the students and faculty is now being replaced with hair clip-pings and cups of urine. An anonymous donor, most likely a parent fed up with being responsible for keeping tabs on his child’s lifestyle choices, gave the school the funds to adminis-ter the tests. Levels of sugar, caffeine and cholesterol will be tested twice a semester to ensure the quality of student life remains at an op-timum operating capacity. “We have found that many of the students, especially the middle schoolers, have been coming to school bouncing off the walls, and the level of energy needs to be toned down,” said Headmaster C-Money. By mo-nitoring glucose levels in blood, students can be held to their actions off-campus. Students will have two strikes before they face expulsion. “The last thing we want stu-dents to do is make healthy de-cisions on their own. The school should be a part of their lives on and off-campus,” C-Money added. Senior Jace Eliscu said, “I oc-casionally dabble with different blends of coffee, but after I fai-led my first drug test, I turned my life around.” Dean of Students Dennis Her Bear said, “The best way to deal with these junkies is to just remove them from our scho-ol environment. That way we won’t have to even deal with student guidance because they won’t be our problem any lon-ger. What they do off campus can still get them in trouble with

the administration. If it wasn’t our problem to begin with, we make it our problem and then remove him or her from our school. We need to make sure students keep their grades high.” More discreet substances, like Advil or second-hand tobacco smoke, will also be detectable. Parents’ concerns over the past years will finally be resolved about their students lifestyles. One parent commented, “I’m so relieved the school finally de-cided to take action. I’m tired of being responsible for men-toring my child. It’s about time the school started to do that for me.” Students seen at local hotspots for users will be reprimanded by the administration. Starbucks, Dunkin’ Donuts, and Panera will all be considered off-limits to seniors looking to get their fix between classes. A campus heroine, Jordyn Quinn, is protesting against the school’s latest actions.

The negatives of testing positve Deal or No Deal STAFF SLAVE

NEWS

“I don’t know why they are doing this to me!” Quinn said, “This is literally the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone ever.” Without her vente double from Starbucks, Quinn operates

at the highest level of irritability. The drug testing will certainly be a handicap to students’ so-cial lives, and groggy mornings without cups ‘o joe will continue here on campus.

Courtesy of The Printer

d abril 2014

Cntrl. Aull. Delete.

Kelly’s KornerWhat is Kelly Aull’s address?666 Trinity Prep Lane, Winter Park, FlWhere did Kelly meet her hus-band?The parking lot in front of Jo-Ann Fabric. What is Kelly’s favorite hobby?Cow tipping, discovering new grading curvesWhat was Kelly like in college?President of Kappa Delta, Corn QueenWhat are Kelly’s favorite things about kids?They trust too easily. Easy to brain drain. How many kids does Kelly have?Children don’t bring me any utils. What was Kelly’s childhood like?Imagine the Oregon Trail except with more corn. What is Kelly’s fashion state-ment?Retro Quaker

An inside scoop to Kelly Aull’s life

Kelly Aull MadLibsIt’s 4:55 in the morning, and Kelly Aull has just finished

______ (verb ending in -ing). Kelly puts on her ______, (noun) and she’s ready for the day. In her red Jeep and ____ (adj.) license plate, ____ (favorite Kelly Aull nickname) pulls into school at a sharp 6:27.65 am. She ____ (adverb) whips out of her Jeep and ____ (verb) to her classroom. On the way she runs into ____and ____ (two teachers). They compliment her on her ____ (noun). Kelly thinks to herself, “I should’ve _____ (past tense verb) last night. It’s time to ruin some kid’s day.” Kelly goes to the teachers’ lounge to retrieve her _____ (noun). The first period bell rings, and Kelly’s “favorite” student, ____ (insert your name here), walks into Mr. Presley’s room, “_____” (insert favorite K-Aull greeting). One student angers Kelly by _____ (verb ending in -ing) her. The bell rings, and K-Aull smiles _____ (adverb), because she knows it is now lunch time. She eats her favorite meal of _____ (adj) corn and ______ (noun). Kelly checks the TPS Voice for winning lotto numbers. She won 666 million dollars! Kelly feels _______ (insert emotion). Immediately she fulfills her lifelong dream of buying a______ (noun) and Kel-log’s Corn Flakes.

Zachary KobrinNot Jake Nebel

STAFF SLAVES

Favorite Kelly Aull quotes“There’s no such thing as a free lunch, unless you’re dead.

Everything is free in Heaven.” “Having children doesn’t present the best opportunity cost for

women. The best opportunity cost is only found in death.” “I’m in the teacher mafia.”

“I’m not your girl. I’m in a committed relationship with Satan.”“Nothing I have taught you will be on the quiz. Except for

everything I haven’t taught you.”“The curve for the test is a 13/50.”“Hashtag Death to Capitalism.”“When I lived in Iowa….corn….”

“I’m serious.” [pause][smile][Can I go to the bathroom?] “No.”

“Praxis due tomorrow.” “Econ is life. The rest is just a minor detail.”“My hair is wavier than a business cycle.”

“You only need one. Kidney. And roommate.”“My husband’s name? Depends which one you’re talking

about.” “My favorite part of the day? When I get to go home.”

“My students told me to swim in Lake Jesup.” “I live for the moments when nobody cares.”

Is Kelly related to Anne of Green Gables?Second cousin thrice removed. What is Kelly’s favorite hairstyle?Perm. What is Kelly’s favorite TV show?Big Love What is Kelly’s favorite quote?Mrs. Aull, I hate you.

Photos courtesy of Kelly Aull

Mr. and Mrs. Aull pose on their wedding day.

NEWS

%APRIL 2014

date the other team. When I spit my nasty rhymes, the competi-tion gets scared, really scared,” French said. French’s essential contribution to the success of his team dem-onstrates his abilities as a rap art-ist. In the context of his career, the competitive nature of bas-ketball gave French the confi -dence to participate in another arena, rap. So far, in his career, French has been enormously success-ful. Recently, he has performed at assembly, at a local church and Single Senior Citizen’s Night in Applebees. Without a doubt, our school is witnessing the rise of a rap deity. “He has the looks, the skills and the talent to make it in this no-toriously competitive industry,” said junior Vishal Bommineni, a devoted groupie. Yet, how can a college prepa-ratory school prepare you for a rap career? A fellow rapper, Sophomore Kyle Hongamen, ar-gues that prep schools are ac-tually designed for making rap-pers. “When I’m in the line to get a Saintsub and it takes forever, I get mad. When I see young chil-dren fi lling the halls with rolling backpacks so that I can’t walk, I get mad. When I see my lunch-box being harassed by hooligan squirrels, I get mad. All this anger creates rap music,” Hongamen said. In the media, rappers are usu-ally associated with crime and debauchery. Yet, rappers from our school have a tendency to be positive role models. Even though their music is root-ed in the pain and affl iction of a private school, the profi ts of the rhymes go to several helpful charities. “Yes lawd, I know I’m blessed

Some call him “The Audacious Benny B Double D Mystique.” Others call him the “the pale guy who raps at assembly.” Yet, even though he is a polariz-ing fi gure, no one can deny that he is a genuine talent when it comes to “spittin” some rhymes. On a dusty, sweaty Wednes-day afternoon, a young Ben French was walking through his “hood,”a gated community. While he was thoughtlessly wan-dering through the cold streets, his ears were attracted to a sound that changed his life. Beside a garage, a group of young “gangstas” listened to the 21st century Shakespeare, 2 Chainz. In the future rapper’s mind, 2 Chainz’s poetry defi ned intelligence and money-making capabilities. “I really look up to 2 Chainz. He is a convicted felon; so am I,” French said. For the “Audacious etc,” his passion for rap goes hand in hand with his drive for basketball. In fact, he believes that his rap skills provide an advantage over the Varsity basketball team’s op-ponents on the court. “I luv my brothas to death cuz we ball hard. But in the game, you need more than just ath-letic ability. You need to intimi-

with my talents. Yet, I know it’s my duty as a lyricist to give back to the people who don’t possess my gifts,” French said. In a communal effort, our school’s fi nest rappers(French and Hongamen) have decided to cooperate in a rap battle whose proceeds will go to a charity. The charity is called “Mittens for Monkeys” and it an focuses on providing primates, who live in zoos in the north, proper winter clothing. “It feels good doing what I love to help monkeys living in cold weather,” Hongamen said. Thus, we can see that Trinity rap-pers are quite decent people. However, the popular sentiment shifts greatly between genders. “Ladies dig my stench,” French said. However, a recent poll has shown that only 0.1% of women “dig” French’s rhymes. On the other hand, the same poll shows that 100% of men enjoy and ad-mire the junior’s quality verses. Strangely, the romantic hero that is Mr. French has a bigger market with the male population than with the female population of our school. “I don’t know, man, the poll is false. Falsehood. Any woman who doesn’t love my stench is not a real woman,” French said. Recently, in this article, Mr. French made a very serious ac-cusation. In a mental frenzy, French accused 99.9% of wom-en in our school of not being real women. Yet, in a bizarre turn of events, his ridiculous accusation has sky-rocketed his approval among women. “I think that his sense of defi -ance and confi dence make him very attractive to women,” said Troy Deal , women’s studies pro-fessor at the University of North Korea.

Indeed, Mr. French’s blunt dis-approval of reality has trans-formed him into a popular fi gure among the young people of our school, both male and female. At the end of the day, the rap-pers from our school are rising stars. Yet, to keep up the image required in the rap community, they don’t play by the rules. “Ye, I sometimes run in the hall-ways. I’m a bad boy,” French said. Truly, rap is a career that re-quires hustle. If you are not willing to make it a lifestyle, you won’t be succesful. However, today, rappers need more than just swagger to be competitive. In fact, rappers require a col-lege education in order to break into the industry. For example, the prestigious University of Southeastern Okla-homa is offering a doctorate in Rapping Arts. The college boasts famous alumni, including Dr. Dre. “In college, they teach you how to get ridiculous tattoos, diss other rappers, and commit crimes for no apparent reason,” Bommenini said, self-proclaimed rap enthusiast. In all honesty, Ben French and all other rappers deserve respect for their merit and humanity. Surely, the road to stardom is long and rough. Yet, with their masculinity and drive, Trinity rappers have glory within their grasp.

Student Rappers Rack Up the Big BucksNEWS

DJ Slick Slacks

Radio Personality

APRIlll 20148

Graphics Editor: Christopher Burke

Editors-in-Chief: @SGadYo and Hannukah Mohan

Copy Editor: Natasha Hairy-Lam-Bus

Layout Editor: Lady Jessica Crawley

Faculty Adviser: Alex’s Doppelganger

News Department: Deal or No Deal (editor), Unleash the leash, DJ Slick Slacks, The Quiet One

Managing Editor: Jake Nebel’s little sister

Lifestyles Department: The Invisible Marc (editor), Melman,MADAME PRESIDENT, K-Shop, Kendal Roter

Sports Department: Thad Castle (editor), Holla at ya boi, Alex Moran, Clark Gordon, Captain

Photography Editor: Dantes Inferno

Online Editor: The Reverend Jack Business Manager: Marissa on the block

The Trinity Voice is produced by various unimportant nobodies at Trinity Preparatory School of Florida. Edi-torials represent the opinion of The Trinity Voice writer, but have been censored enough to be the views of the administratin, faculty, and the Board of Trustees at Trinity. The Voice welcomes letters to the editor and free-lance articles or photography. All submissions become the property of The Voice. Please send all correspondence to 5700 Trinity Prep Lane, FL 32792. The Voice may also be contacted via phone at 407-671-4140 and via e-mail at voice@trinityprep.org. For information regarding the purchase of advertising within The Voice, sucks for you because the studnts won’t make the effort to go and sell you advertising space. The Voice is a monthly publication during the school year (with the exception of Monday-Friday).

NationalScholasticPressAssociation

Focus Department: Gillian Quirkins(editor), Lexi Garcia, Quiet Two

Opinions Department: Zak Corbin (editor), Edna,The Annoying Leprechaun, Brain Min,Tonetta Stone

The Trinity Voice is a member of the Florida Scholastic Press Association and the National Scholastic Press Association.

OPINIONS

Something ticking you off ? Keep it to yourself. We’ve got 99 problems and can’t deal with yours too.

Michio Kaku’s hairstyle ticks me off. - Paul Reggentin, 12th grade

Missing the cornhole ticks me off. - Paul Reggentin, 12th grade

Post-Chipotle stomachaches tick me off. - Paul Reggentin, 12th grade

Articles in which I’m not quoted tick me off. - Paul Reggentin, 12th grade

Typos on Econ handouts tick me off. - Paul Reggentin, 12th grade

Bubburah’s ants tick me off. - Paul Reggentin, 12th grade

Service at the Sleeping Moon Cafe ticks me off. - Paul Reggentin, 12th grade

Lyme disease ticks me off. - Paul Reggentin, 12th grade

Wichita State ticks me off. - Paul Reggentin, 12th grade

It ticks me off when Dylan Havlicek is all talk. - Paul Reggentin, 12th grade

People that don’t respect Ben French tick me off. - Paul Reggentin, 12th grade

P-Dawg’s stories tick me off. - Paul Reggentin, 12th grade

Not being at Bonnaroo ticks me off. - Paul Reggentin, 12th grade

It ticks me off when people don’t appreciate Sai as much as they ought to. - Paul Reggentin, 12th grade

It ticks me off when there’s no joke in assembly. - Paul Reggentin, 12th grade

Being forbidden from running in the Bolles track meet ticks me off. - Paul Reggentin, 12th grade

Senior year spring comments tick me off. - Paul Reggentin, 12th grade

##APRILL 2014

1. If you had to wear one of these items to school, which one?a) crocsb) socks and sandalsc) snapbacks that say “obey”d) Ugg slipperse) barefootf) Heely’s

2. Favorite artist?a) Rebecca Blackb) Justin Bieberc) 2 Chainzd) Lordee) Passengerf) Taylor Swift

3. Saturday Night Plans?a) Netflixb) Ordering pizza for onec) Ouija Board with Friends and Dead Relativesd) Ragere) Reading to your plantsf) Tumblr

4. Your house is on fire, which hashtag do you use?a) #TheRoofIsOnFireb) #SomebodyCall911Shaw-tyFireBurninOnTheDance-floorc)#MyHouseMayBeBurntButIAmStillTurntd) #blessede) #Tragicf) #IsItHotInHereOrIsItJustMe

5. What is your preferred method of blocking the hall-way?a) Dropping your books and Starbucks Frappucino (Venti obvi)b) Making a human chain with your friendsc) Using your body mass to make sure no one can move pastd) Walking in a zig-zag pat-tern with earbuds in e) Having a stupid conversa-tion with your stupid friends

in the middle of the hallwayf) Admiring posters from the center of the hallway6. How do you disrupt as-sembly?a) Heckling middle school-ersb) Making an announce-ment that pertains to two peoplec) Bringing your entire team up on staged) Trying to be funny while making an announcemente) Arrogantly comment on everyone’s announcementf) Distracting your friends while they’re at the podium

7. Pick a tweet.a) Live life to the fullest! RT if you agree!!!!!!!!!b) Nobody understands mec) “If you can’t handle me at my best, you don’t de-serve me at my worst.”d) I love that song by [insert hipster artist here]e) OMG everyone go out-side the sunset is so beautifulf) *inside joke*

8. Favorite song?a) “Blurred Lines”b) “Drunk in Love”c) “Starships”d) “Royals”e) “Happy”f) “Diamonds”

9. Choose a college major.a) Theatreb) Theaterc) Pre-medd) Philosophy e) Freelance Writerf) Undecided

10) Choose a college major.a) Theatreb) Theaterc) Pre-medd) Philosophye) Freelance Writerf) Undecided

Mostly A’s

Cheesy: Soft and stretchy cheese-filled crust with a tast-ier cheddar flavour. You are fun to be around...sometimes. You try to fill your life with jokes that are usually a hit or miss. You tend to be really into gossip, theater and every-one else’s business. You are a little surprising, but for the most part people know what you’re about. You have some substance: at least you’re not all crust.

Mostly B’s

Classic Crust: Even crispier on the outside and still soft, light and fluffy on the inside. Not as thick as Deep Pan and not as thin as Thin ‘n’ Crispy. You definitely enjoy life, friends and family, but sometimes your personal issues get in the way. You are predictable, which may work in your fa-vor sometimes, but predict-ability makes you basic. You have problems forming your own opinions and are a ste-reotypical product of the pop-culture world. Everyone knows your tweets are from a text-post on Tumblr.

Mostly C’s

Deep Pan: Traditional deep pan crust is thick, hearty and tasty, not to mention crusty. You are the thickest crust known to mankind. Everything is always about you and usu-ally blown out of proportion. You have a knack for being annoying and making situa-tions much more difficult than they need to be. Headstrong and stubborn, you are going to prove everyone wrong, which only thickens the crust. Your thick shell makes it nearly

impossible to reason with you, and most people just ignore you after the first encounter, even though you continue to outdo yourself in ways to get attention.

Mostly D’s

Edge: The Edge with a cheesy garlic, buttery crust. You are sharp and to the point. You tend to know exactly what you want, are aware of your own crustiness, and have thus sharpened yourself to making sure your crust is actually ac-ceptable. For the most part, you have your stuff together.

Mostly E’s

Gluten-Free Base Crust. Much like the fact that you are glu-ten-free, you spend your life trying to find other things that the majority of people can’t identify with. This ranges from going out of your way to dis-cover an “underground” art-ist, spending time in nature even though you are at high risk of sunburn, and genuinely thinking that your restricted lifestyle makes you more im-portant and more interesting than everyone else.

Mostly F’s

Thin N Crispy: Wafer thin base is crispy all the way through and keeps its crunch to the very last bite. You are the weakest type of crust. Your personality comes off as flim-sy and basic, and you are constantly imitating others instead of remaining true to yourself. Some pity is taken on you, because you are not strong crust. Your unsureness comes off as stupidity, and you are destined to be a third wheel.

What kind of crust are you? (Sponsored by Dominos)OPINIONS

cm April 2014

Dear College or University,Having received many college rejection letters in the past few weeks, it pains me to say that, despite your college’s impressive qualifi cations and past experience in rejecting applicants, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your rejection at this time.

This year, I was very fortunate to receive an exceptionally large number of college rejection letters. However, it is impossible for me to accept all such correspondence. For this reason, I was forced to reject the rejection letters of many qualifi ed institutions. Please understand that this is in no way a judgment of your college or institution’s reputation—with such a promising fi eld of candidates, it is diffi cult to distinguish between refusals and to decide which ones to accept and reject.As I emphasized before, this was not an easy task. Each rejection was carefully and objectively reviewed on an individual basis. Many factors were taken into account, such as the quality and character of the rejection letters, the social atmosphere of the college, and the reputation of the college. My rejection of your rejection does not necessarily mean that you don’t qualify for these factors—it just merely refl ects the high caliber of colleges competing for my acceptance of their rejection letters.I am aware of the disappointment that this decision may cause you. Making this judgment was not easy, but be assured that through my deliberations I kept in mind the importance of this decision to you. I wish it were possible for me to provide you with specifi c reasons for my determination of this decision, but unfortunately, it is not.Many rejections that I received were clearly qualifi ed as rejections, and it is surely my loss to have rejected them. But since all of the decisions have already been made and all available spaces have been fi lled, all decisions are fi nal. Therefore, I am sorry to say I will be joining the Class of 2018 at your college this fall. I look forward to seeing you and my future classmates there.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants,Applicant

Rejecting Rejection: Boo YahNatasha Hairy-lamb-busCOPY EDITOR

OPINIONS

<<Insert university here>><<Street Address>><<City, State, Zip>><<Country>>

11April 2014

1. Voice: Lorde’s range is incredible. The fact that she can scale six notes is unbelievable. Her half-octave is a force to be reckoned with: watch out Beyonce. She main-tains her monotone with such skill we almost for-get it’s not autotune! The fact that she can sing multiple harmonies at once is a true tes-tament to her talent. When she sings that Middle C in “Royals,” we all get chills. Forget Mariah’s whistle tone, Lorde’s unholy growl is so much better. We’ve never seen a diamond in the fl esh, until Lorde.

2. Songs: Lorde is not a one-hit wonder--she is here to stay. “Royals” is the anthem of our generation. The iconic lyrics remind us that it’s not the mate-rial things that mat-ter and we need to stop

obsessing over celebri-ties and start obsessing over

Lorde. This song proves that she is wise beyond her years.

Sixteen, more like 60. And let’s not forget “Team” which isn’t as good as “Royals” but is still ah-mazing. We love how you can’t understand what she says at the end of the opening verse be-cause she is so emotionally invested in the song. She tells the hard truth: “everyone’s com-peting for a love they won’t re-ceive.” She totally understands us. “I’m kind of older than I was when I rebelled without a care,” so there.

Praise the Lorde: Why the New Zealand teenager will be the music industry’s savio(u)r

3. Looks: Lorde is a cross be-tween Angelina Jolie and Gollum. Beyonce who? Lorde is actually fl aw-less. She defi nitely woke up like this. We love her curls, because just like her, they can’t be tamed. And when it comes to face struc-ture, she’s got it on lock. Her love of monotony doesn’t just end with her songs. She’s into the monochromatic (black soul, black fi ngers, black lips). Black is the new black. Her fashion sense is an inspi-ration to us all.

4. Dance Moves: Lorde combines the smooth moves of Ginger Rogers with the spunk of a zombie on “The Walking Dead.” Your fave could never. She puts Taylor Swift’s dance moves to shame, even though Taylor is the queen of club dancing. How is Lorde not exhausted dur-ing her live performances with that intricate cho-reography? Petition for Lorde to be on Dancing With the Stars.

5. Personality: Lorde is just sooooo down to earth, even though her music is out of this world! Her mes-sage is so positive and al-ways reminds us that there are more important things in life than money, money, and money like loneliness, death, and cruelty. She tru-ly makes her listeners feel like her friends. And let’s not forget her inspirational quotes that inspire us to go out and make the world

a better place. So modest.

Lorde’s unholy growl is so much better. We’ve never seen a diamond in the fl esh, until Lorde.

2. Songs: Lorde is not a one-hit wonder--she is here to stay. “Royals” is the anthem of our generation. The iconic lyrics remind us that it’s not the mate-rial things that mat-ter and we need to stop

obsessing over celebri-ties and start obsessing over

Lorde. This song proves that she is wise beyond her years.

Sixteen, more like 60. And let’s not forget “Team” which isn’t as good as “Royals” but is still ah-mazing. We love how you can’t understand what she says at the end of cause invested in the song. She tells the hard truth: “everyone’s com-peting for a love they won’t re-ceive.” She totally understands us. “I’m kind of older than I was when I rebelled without a care,” so there.

Dante’s Inferno

OPINIONS

A$AP tonI k.

ZKobz Internet Celebrity

April 2014&*

Free friends fangirl for local female artist The Bite

When dabbling in the land of vinyl and Starbucks coffee, you can only hope to find an artist like KShop. This local artist has her own unique sound: stick-ing to her pop roots while also exploring genres such as rap and country and incorporating them smoothly into her music. Her lyrics exemplify everything that “being free” stands for and encourage her listeners to be themselves. She may be young and a tad bit off the radar, but KShop is about to take the world by storm with her new, sophomore album Resurrection. Lucky for The Bite, KShop sat down for a cup of coffee to chat with us about her upcom-ing album, inspiration and per-sonal life at no cost at all. KShop is truly all about being free.

How is your sophomore album Resurrection different from your debut album Free to Be Me? Free to Be Me was more a re-flection of my inner self. As an aspiring artist, it was my first al-bum, so it was really personal and raw. Free to Be Me really highlights the past couple years of my life - all my struggles, tri-umphs and interests. It definitely has a special place in my heart. But Resurrection is the new me. That’s the inspiration behind the title. I disappeared for awhile after Free to Be Me to discover who I truly was and found myself as an independent, grunge-pop singer. Now I have returned, so truly this album is my own Resur-rection. The sound is really going to be darker, more grunge and edgier. Viewer discretion is ad-

vised. My new motto is all about freedom of full self and embrac-ing your animalistic qualities.

Tell us about your #freefriends community. My #freefriends are the ones that keep me going when I’m down in the dumps. I just type #freefriends in the search bar on Twitter and immediately I’m wel-comed with inspirational quotes directed to me. All the positivity keeps me grounded because I know that I was once an inse-cure, lost girl, but now I’m lead-ing a legion of beautiful #free-friends. They are my reason for waking up in the morning, the reason I stay in shape, the rea-son I keep writing when there’s no inspiration. Whenever I take a deep breath, it’s like they are giving CPR with all of their love. I just want to be a good role model and save as many people as I can from their dark times and

corporate pressures.

How did you get involved in mu-sic? Believe it or not, music was not in my horoscope. I was walking home from my liberal arts school in the city with my red trench, burgundy boots, skin-colored Prada sunglasses and thrift store lilac beanie--the one with the flower crocheted on it. My teacher had just told me I would never be a freelance writer nor make any money. This was the day the trees turned black and the sky fell to pieces. The pressures from cor-porate America started to sink in… I was a caged bird looking for a way out. But, suddenly, things took a turn for the free. I heard the rustling of the leaves, the sizzle of the scorching hot dogs on the street grills and the bees suckling the pollen. Though ordinary sounds, the melody of nature and the rhythm of the

city pointed me towards my destiny. I started to hum along, and whispers of my new motto fluttered into my mind. They said, “You are KShop, You are beauti-ful, You. Are. Free. To. Be. Me.” I gallivanted home as quickly as possible. As fate would have it, I saw a lonely song book sitting amongst the mud in a gutter. Much like me, it was on its last leg. I saved that song book’s life… [dramatic pause] or did it save mine? Anyways, once I got home, the lyrics flowed through my fingers faster than my white blood cells. This is the moment they talk about in movies, songs and novels: I was finally alive. I became….. KShop.

What do you do when you’re not being famous? Basically I just stay free. Free-dom isn’t just a persona I put on for the stage, I am truly a free-to-be-me person. Whatever my will is, I do. This includes sitting by the

All photos courtesy of Kshop’s Management

Kshop’s Management Publicist Kendall RotarManager Zach Kobrin

STAFF SLAVES

lIFESTYLES

April 2014 April 2014 fd

pool eating fondue, browsing the local record shop, spend-ing time with my nose in a good book, and of course engag-ing in my humanitarian efforts. I traveled to Honduras this year to help build houses: it was hard work, but luckily my strong, cal-lused guitar hands helped me through. My body was dirty, but my soul was clean. I sustained a foot injury after jumping into the river to live life to the fullest. YOLO!

Do you have any advice for people going into the music business? I mean, like I said before, music just came to me. If it comes to you, take it and run to the ends of the earth with it. Music fills my body with bubbles and makes me want to move. I feel like if someone is forcing themselves to make music, it’s not raw…. it’s not free. I want all music to be made as an ex-pression of one’s self, as mine is. [Voice raises and she stands] To all the broken, heart-wrenched and lonely out there, hear me roar: MUSIC WILL GUIDE YOU, FEEL THE BEATS OF THE STREETS, THE MOVEMENT OF THE WIND AND THE PASSION OF YOUR-SELF, AND YOU CAN FINALLY. BE-COME. FREE.

Do you have any pre-concert rituals? Oh, of course. Since I haven’t really performed on stages yet and kept to the sidewalk crew, my “backstage” is the city. So, I have to do my riffs in a dark al-ley. I start out slowly saying “It’s me, Queen Free.” Then I prog-ress, and I get louder and more passionate until [soaring belt] “It’s me, Queen Free” rattles the tops of skyscrapers. Then, I order my management to bring me water, with a splash of okra juice and a packet of Splenda, can-dles and my toe warmers.

I always make time to put the world to rest before and crank out some tunes on my mp3. I listen to artists like, The Crying Water Bottle Warmer, Stars and Sneezes, and of course, Snaps of Free. Once I gear up with my gui-tar and meditate for seven hun-dred and twenty one seconds, I am ready to go. But, I think I am going to have to invest in a new warm up ritual for this tour.

What can we expect from the Resurrection tour? Well I don’t want to spoil any-thing [laughing], but I will tell you this concert is going to be a tour de force. Unfortunately, management couldn’t get me arenas in the States, but I will be outsourcing the concert to Zimbabwe and Thailand - I’m huge there. There are going to be three stages: the main stage (with a catwalk for me to strut my stuff), a stage at the back of the arena and a flying stage in the shape of a peace sign. I want everyone to see me and have me see them. The concert will begin the opening chords of “Resurrection” (the ti-tle track) played on a harp, with a spotlight on the tip of the cat-walk where a tombstone is posi-tioned engraved with “Here lies KShop...Queen Free.” Then out of the stage I shall emerge, the tombstone shatters

with a loud song effect. Pyro-technics. Then there I am, in the middle of the stage. Standing over the grave. “This is my resurrection!” And then the concert really gets started. I will be performing songs from my first album as well: expect an oldie… “Seven Two One” to be sung on the peace sign. On “Shoot like the stars, shine like the sun,” I intend to drop bucket loads of sparkles onto the audi-ence.

KShop was kind enough to show us one of her new songs and let us publish an excerpt!

Yesterdaze Party’s over, you said so are we Can you blame me for wanting to be free?Clouded vision, I can’t see Tunnel vision on what we used to be.

There was a time, you were the apple of my eye but now you just make me want to cry.

Lost in the haze of yesterdaze Loved you like crazy yes, no, maybe?Waiting for your gaze, I’m stuck in yesterdaze.

A picture from Kshop’s Sidewalk tour. Kshop recently released her clothing line called Freé in Taiwan.

Follow @KelseyShop721 on twitter for updates and everything KShop!

lIFESTYLES

The year Leo wins an Oscar14

With his charming good looks, exquisite range of acting abili-ties and legions of Internet fans, Leonardo DiCaprio has capital-ized on his position in Hollywood society. He’s the go-to choice when risky directors hope to fi ll movie theaters with patrons who are eager to drink in the gloriousness of DiCaprio’s gold-en face and shimmering smile. But DiCaprio’s power might be getting out of hand. After his fi fth Oscar nomination failed to garner a small golden boy for heartthrob/leading man/actual angel Leonardo DiCaprio, riots broke out across America...and throughout the whole world. Di-Caprio himself was the general of the rebel troops, which held strikes in Los Angeles and the bordering cities. DiCaprio’s name has become increasingly synonymous with perfection. He’s transformed from teenage idol to stunning actor with a heart—he’s an en-vironmental activist and philan-thropist alongside his incredible fi lm career. He’s the poster boy for suave, refi ned elegance. Every fangirl can agree that his sexy, romantic bod was perfect for the role of Romeo. But Leo did not just play Romeo in the movies. Leo is Romeo. DiCaprio’s anger allegedly began when his role as Jack Dawson in the 1997 fi lm Titanicfailed to attract Oscar voters. He was previously nominated for Best Supporting Actor in 1993’s What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.Fans of the Mighty Leo were sure he would at least garner a nomination for Titanic, as he spent days in the freezing cold water, eating a diet of raw fi sh and ice cream, to prepare for

the haunting raft scene (NOOO LEO, DON’T LET GO! THERE’S SPACE FOR BOTH OF YOU! And let’s be real. There actually was space for both of them.) Alas, Leo did not receive a nomina-tion, and from that moment on, he knew he was doomed to a life as “Oscar nominated/Pa-tron Saint/Possible God Leo Di-Caprio.” He tried to redeem himself. Films such as Gangs of New York and The Aviator scored him droves of new fans, but DiCaprio couldn’t see those fans through the tears of his own failures. He was her-alded for his work in Revolution-ary Road, Shutter Island and Inception, but the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Scienc-es was deaf to these accolades. DiCaprio grew sadder and sad-der, angrier and angrier—but he was powerless. He lost hope. That all seemed like it was go-ing to change. His role in The Wolf of Wall Street was sure to win him the Oscar. We knew it. Leo knew it. There was that dev-ilish glint in his eye again, the smile on his face was confi dent; he was ready; he was focused; he was alive. This may have also been the effect of the quaalu-des (illegal substances) from his time on the set of The Wolf of Wall Street. He had planned in his acceptance speech to wink and thank the Academy, may-be tear up a little to tug at our heartstrings and to just be the perfect prince that he is. And he subsequently watched his dreams slip away (yet again!) as that pooper scooper Mat-thew Mcconaughey accepted the coveted award. Leo was not “alright, alright, alright.” Tears in his eyes, blood pounding in his ears, he sprang into action and called upon his personal army to join him in his revolution.

Bow down, peasants: Prince Leo goes berserk

“My dear fans,” he shouted, standing atop the giant Oscar statue at the Dolby Theater. “Will you join in my crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me?” Hugh Jackman stood and sa-luted the actor. The rest of the celebrities within the theater stormed the statue to show their support for Leo (Jennifer Law-rence, alas, fell once again.)His army of peasants, who grovel at his feet, have made ban-ners and fl yers to show their sup-port for the boy who makes our hearts pitter-patter. Leo’s beau-tiful, dramatic, impactful, crying face is depicted on each ban-ner. In each tear shed by Leo, there’s another tiny face that is in the same desperate anguish that Leo so beautifully depicts. Sources close to the movie star/deity say that he has been having planning meetings in the mansion used to fi lm The Great Gatsby. He sits atop one of the infl atable zebras and evilly strokes its mane. He apparently proclaimed, “Critics may have hated on my movie, but we’re going to make sure they see the green light...even if it’s the last thing they do see.” His ominous threats have been the product of revenge lessons from Adele, who’s teaching him

the art of setting fi re to the rain. He was going to ask Taylor Swift for help, but he didn’t want a song written about him. Leo is currently investing in the technology shown in Inceptionto invade the dreams of Acad-emy voters and twist their votes in his favor. He also plans to pun-ish them for their sins by spin-ning the top and making them watch. Does it tip over? Is it still spinning? IS THIS THE REAL LIFE? OR IS IT JUST FANTASY, LEO!?!?!?! Many people have been questioning whether even Leo thinks his career has dried up. He has no movies currently lined up, and fans are becoming anx-ious. But our unnamed source (a friend of Leo’s masseuse’s sister) says, “While Leo is feeling down in the dumps, he is not fi nished with Hollywood. Once he fi nish-es his real-life Inception technol-ogy, he is going to start a new movie that will blow everyone’s minds. It’s Leonardo DiCaprio—what else would you expect?” If all else fails, DiCaprio has disclosed his now not so secret plan to kidnap all the Academy voters, put them aboard a re-modeled Titanic ship, and or-chestrate the sinking of the ship. HOW YOU LIKE DEM ICEBERGS, ACADEMY!

Sirisha Gaddi-sassyMarissa on the BlockLeo’s Worshippers

� e same Leo who Di’captured our hearts is now on an angry rampage. Hear him rawr.

Dantes Inferno

Leo’s Styles

cxaPRiL 2014 lIFESTYLES

APril 20143f

Most influential albums of the centuryAh, the 21st century. What

a time to be alive and able to fully immerse yourself in the sometimes soothing, sometimes harmonic and always legendary musical work created by the brainchildren of the 2000s. The past 13-and-a-quarter years have provided us with some truly groundbreaking works of art. Few albums were completely flaw-less, but here’s a list of some of the most outstanding ones:

Global Warming (2012)PitbullInfluential Lyric: “You don’t get money woof woof (Mr. Worldwide!) / But I do I do” (“Don’t Stop The Party”)

Dale, Mr. Worldwide! Pitbull brings a danceable taste of the 305 right to our iPods in Global Warming. His album is largely bilingual, so you can confidently add Spanish to the “languages known” tab on your Facebook page after just one listen. “That chico nice!” (“Feel This Moment”) and “Que no pare la fi-esta!” (“Don’t Stop The Party”) may be the extent of our newfound Spanish vocabulary, but that’s all we’ll ever need to say anyways, right? Hopefully Pitbull’s future turns out to be just as bright as the top of his magnificently bald head.

Sorry For Party Rocking (2011)LMFAOMost Influential Lyric: “Wiggle, wig-gle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah / Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, yeah” (“Sexy And I Know It”)

The album was already destined for success with musical master-mind Will.i.am as its executive pro-ducer. Watch out, because LMFAO is gonna make you lose your mind! Instead of making you want to slam your head against a wall like its competitors, this album has you up and shuffling, shuffling! Rolling Stone even gave it some praise: “MC-DJs Redfoo and Sky Blu turn in some skillful hip-hop.” They may or may not have added that the two DJs “also get seriously stupid...over a cheesy pastiche of Eighties synths and pounding beats,” but we can forget about that for our purposes. Brace yourself because party rock is in the house tonight! THE E.N.D. (THE ENERGY NEVER DIES) (2009)Black Eyed PeasMost Influential Lyric: “I’m so three thousand and eight / You so two

thousand and late” (“Boom Boom Pow”)

Would there have even been an 8th grade Bar and Bat Mitzvah sea-son without this undeniably brilliant contribution to the music indus-try? (Mazeltov!) I can’t remember the last time one album produced so many hit tracks. With songs like “Imma Be” and “I Gotta Feeling,” this album provides the perfect background music for practically any situation life throws at you. The album’s catchy beats have an almost addictive quality that leaves any music-lover longing for more “digital spit.” Lucky for us, The E.N.D. didn’t signify the end of The Black Eyed Peas. We’re practically shaking in anticipation for what Fergie, Will.i.am and the other two come up with next.

Paris (2006)Paris HiltonMost Influential Lyric: “Every time I turn around the boys fighting over me / Every time I step out the house they want to fight over me / Maybe cause I’m hot hot today and I’m so so sexy / All the boys all the silly boys they want to fight over me” (“Fightin’ Over Me”)

With this album, Paris proves that she is more than a spoiled, bratty heiress. She’s also a multi-talented songstress. Not only are her vocals top notch, but this girl is seriously coy: “And when I get my eye on something it’s like search and de-

stroy” (“Not Leaving Without You”). Honestly, how could this world go on without Paris? The album reached #6 on Billboard 200, which proves that everybody loved the album, not just hotel clerks who also hap-pen to be dependent on her (mil-lionaire) daddy’s paycheck.

Take Me Home (2012)One DirectionMost Influential Lyric: “Oh, I just wanna show you off to all of my friends / Making them drool down their chinny-chin-chins” (“Kiss You”)

You can’t have a serious, deep discussion of albums that have broken musical barriers without mentioning One Direction’s Take Me Home. The album title is clearly symbolic of the band’s yearning for normalcy after months on the road living their extremely taxing and frankly exhausting popstar lives. Seriously, reality ruined these world-famous millionaires’ lives. (“I Would” reference.) Couple re-ally original pop beats with a few “crazy crazy crazy’s” (“Live While We’re Young”) and you’ve got yourself a hit. These guys are mul-titalented: not only can they sing, but they can play instruments as well! (Well maybe not all of them, but Niall played backup guitar dur-ing like two songs of the Take Me Home Tour, so that pretty much counts.) As John Dolan of Rolling Stone put it, the album is “actually pretty great—certainly better than it needs to be.” That “compliment”

reminds us of a certain Mean Girls scene in which Regina George compliments a girl’s skirt and pro-ceeds to tell the camera that it’s actually “the ugliest...skirt I’ve ever seen.” But I’m sure Dolan meant well...right?

Let Go (2002)Avril LavigneInfluential Lyric: “Sorry, girl, but you missed out / Well, tough luck, that boy’s mine now / We are more than just good friends / This is how the story ends” (“Sk8er Boi”)

Get ready to be fired up when you plug your headphones in to this al-bum, because Avril is really, really, really mad! Like really mad! We just get so much joy out of sitting through an Alanis Morissette-esque temper tantrum set to awesomely monotonous pop melodies. The original pop princess has us jam-ming along with her completely relatable lyrics—she’s really not dramatic at all. Our only problem is picking which track to play first. Oh Avril, why do you have to go and make things so complicated?

Clearly, the last 14 years have pro-vided us with some spectacularly stellar music. In what other century could you switch from Avril’s ang-sty ballads right on over to LMFAO’s quality dance tunes? The artists of the future will be hard-pressed to improve upon the last decade-and-a-half, but here’s to what’s coming up next!

Sarina SuttonMADAME PRESIDENT

lIFESTYLES

April 2014 π

Insert Funny Horse Title Here Horses have been among mankind since before anyone can re-member. The eocene Messahipus walked amongst the dinosaurs, the Trojans invaded the Spartans with a Trojan Horse, and Wash-ington crossed the Delaware River, yes, on a horse. Actually, he crossed the river on a boat, but it is one in the same. The question that has been surfacing within the Trinity community is, why can’t we have these valiant, majestic creatures at school? Several ad-ministrators have been working to change this. In 1972, Title IX changed the world of sports. This law gave women more opportunities to play sports at the high school and collegiate level. Title IX will have fi nally circulated through the Trinity gates this summer. A think tank consisting of Trinity coaches, the President of Kazakhstan, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, North Korean mascot Kim Jong-Un and two prime ministers of South East Asia (who requested to remain anonymous) have decided to alter Trinity sports. “We have decided to bring the football program to an end and replace the facilities with a Girl’s Equestrian program,” Abdul-Jabbar said. “We believe that [the school] has a core group of teachers and students that are interested in, what I believe to be America’s pastime.” Other teachers and administration have been rumored to be in the running for Head Equestrian Coach. Though it is not decided, the favorite to win the job is history teacher William Milsten. Milsten has been breeding show horses since he was a young lad and believes he is ready for the “Big Show.” “I feel that I am best suited for the job,” Milsten said. “I know, fi rst

Thad CastleBMS CAPTAIN AND LIVING LEGEND

hand, how a horse likes to be fed, washed and cared for.” Milsten is referencing the 1989 Kentucky Derby where he dressed up as racing horse Hawkster. Though Milsten only fi nished in a dis-appointing 5th place, he took it as a learning experience. “Billy was the fastest human, or horse, I have ever raced with,” said jockey Marco Castaneda. “It was an exhilarating experience that I will cherish forever.” Milsten looks to George S. Patton as an arch rival. “In 1912, I was on leave from my army base in Antarctica. I had been training for months for the decathlon when Patton swooped in and stole my spot. He spiked my Turkish Delight, and I forgot how to walk.” In a recent interview, the former World War general confessed his act of sabotage to world renowned actor Morgan Freeman. More than 100 years later, Milsten seeks revenge. He seeks to avenge himself by leading the Equestrian Team to a State Cham-pionship. He explains that other teachers have expressed desire to help. Coaches Kruczek, Wolfe and Nemec have all volunteered to move bales of hay prior to the competitions. Some students are a bit worried about the up-and-coming pro-gram. Former newspaper writer, Bradley Hull, expresses his opinion. “Ever since I was a young boy, I have been afraid of horses,” Hull said. “This fear has lost me friends, family and my collection of ‘My Little Pony’ merchandise.” Ultimately, students like Hull must not be neighsayers. He will have to get over his irrational fear of Seabiscuit before the fi rst match this fall, for he will be singing the National Anthem. Milsten and the girls will be Trinity’s new mane attraction. They hope to impress their proud sponsors, Orlando Glue Factory.

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Leonardo Da Vinci Leonardo DaCaprio

April 2014ӁӤ

The Perfect Predictions for the 2015 NFL Season: Everyone else is wrongAlex MoranBMS Backup Quarterback

Tebow doing his thing before a big game, MVP! Sanchez doing his thing as well.

Each year the NFL changes. Teams can go from being the worst to the best and vice ver-sa. A lot of professional analysts make predic-tions for an upcoming NFL season, but most of the time they are wrong. The same thing will happen this year. People will make predic-tions and be wrong, except this article. Most of this was found on the Internet, and if it’s on the Internet, it has to be true. Things in the NFL are going to change next year. They always do. For instance, this past year the Kansas City Chiefs improved their 2-14 record from the previous year to 11-5 this year and earned a playoff berth. The same kind of turnaround can be expected for the franchise of the Jacksonville Jaguars. The Jaguars finished with a record 4-12 this year and even though they did not have the worst record, they have long been considered the worst team in the National Football League. They were awful. I mean absolutely terrible. But with just a new long snapper(snaps the ball on punts and field goals), they can easily have a perfect record next year. “Jeremy Cain[the team’s long snapper] was really holding us back this year. I feel like those twelve losses easily could have been W’s[wins] with a decent long snapper,” former backup quarterback Blaine Gabbert said in a recent press conference. I expect big things for this team. They will go on to have a perfect 16-0 record and go on to win the Superbowl. They would be the first team to ever accomplish this feat since the 16-game season came in to the NFL. There will be doubters, but the Jags will silence them and win the Superbowl. You read it here first and probably won’t read it anywhere else. The fact that I am probably the only Jaguars fan on the face of the planet had no effect on this decision. Each year the NFL gives out awards at the end of the year NFL award show. Here you will find the early predictions for those awards. We will start out with arguably the most important award, The Walter Peyton Man of the Year Award. That will be going to Aaron Hernandez, who was arrested this sum-mer in a murder investigation and is currently in jail. But, the NFL will certainly be impressed with his behavior. According to Wikipedia, this past summer in his cell, he began the “Aaron Hernandez Gun Awareness Association.” The league front office will have no choice but to give it to Hernandez. Literally they probably

won’t have a choice. The media was told to say nothing further than this. The offensive player of the year will be a close call. There are so many talented offensive players in the NFL. But the one who will have the best season next year is Mark Sanchez, New York Jets QB. Sanchez missed this past season due to a shoulder injury. He became famous for his incredible play in 2012 known as “The Butt Fumble.” The Butt Fumble was an amazing play, set up by Sanchez, in which Sanchez ran into his own lineman’s behind and fumbled the ball which gave the other team possession and a touchdown. What a classy guy, putting the other team before himself. Because of this stunning selfless act, he will receive good Karma in the future and have a great year. In fact, his good karma is already coming around. Sanchez has been given the oppor-tunity to play for an actual NFL franchise by being released by the dreaded New York Jets and play for the Philidelphia Eagles. Although he’s now going to the franchise that threw snowballs at Santa Clause, it’s still an upgrade. Many people will predict Richard Sherman, famous cornerback for the Seattle Seahawks, to win the defensive player of the year. But the defensive player of the year will obviously

be Eli Manning, quarterback for the New York Giants. After throwing a franchise high 27 interceptions this season, Manning will definitely throw more next year. Off of his predicted 233 interceptions next year, he will make 215 tack-les. That will break the NFL record for tackles in one season and easily make him the defen-sive player of the year, something his famous brother Peyton has never done. Score one for Eli. And finally, there is the MVP award. The MVP goes to the best player who had the most impact on the league in the particular season that they receive the award. This choice was a no brainer. Tim Tebow will be the next NFL MVP. This past fall, Tebow was hired by ESPN to be apart of their new “SEC Network.” Tim might not be in the NFL, but he will make such amazing calls and predictions on the SEC Network that the award couldn’t possi-bly go to anyone else. His amazing role in the documentary “Tim Tebow: On a Mission,” will be too amazing to be overlooked in the vot-ing for MVP. And then at the award show, he will give a 45 minute speech about how hard he has worked and will continue to work to be an NFL quarterback. Never give up dude. This is going to be a great NFL season!

AP Images The Gametape.com

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Evans commits to be a Phoenix Some might think committing to play a sport for an online school, consisting of mostly middle- aged adults, is embarrass-ing, and it is. But don’t tell Johnny Evans that. The 5 foot 10 inch YMCA regular, who accredits his knowledge of basketball to Air Bud and his football skill to Ryan Leaf, committed to the University of Phoenix last May, without the school’s knowledge. He weighs in at a whopping 120 pounds, and substitutes band workouts for heavy lifting, due to his steadfast belief in injury prevention. He stunned most with this decision. Full Sail, Devry Institute and Valencia were all in the running to acquire Johnny’s football prow-ess. All three schools have been quoted as saying they loved Johnny’s throwback style and his “enthusiastic approach to sitting the bench.” He’s not the best tackler, and in most of his highlight tapes he’s either, a) on the sideline giving water to the players, or b) running away from any sort of contact. You’re probably wondering how Mr. Football got to this point in his career, if you call playing old men in pickup basketball games a career. Actually, most of Johnny’s friends are old men due to his Benjamin Button-like condition, which makes his body look twice as old as he actually is. In fact, Johnny looks 50, but is only 17. This can also be seen during any sporting activity he participates in, frequently taking water breaks and faking injuries. Jake Bentley, the actual football player who Johnny follows around campus, had this to say about him. “Yeah, not gonna lie, I’ve thought about punching him before,” he said. “But then you gotta realize, he’s harmless.” Johnny was raised to believe in what Ricky Bobby told him many years ago, “You have to win to be loved.” This rings true whether its his friends, coaches or his family. Needless to say, he was deprived of af-fection as a tyke. But Jumpin Johnny never stopped. He kept trying out for the YMCA league, and he kept getting cut. He kept trying to play

t-ball, but kept getting cut. He kept trying to figure out the new lock his parents put on the front door, but he couldn’t get in. Jack Lilley, a knitting enthusiast and world-renowned catnapper, is Johnny’s closest confidant. He worries about Johnny some days, in between his vigorous knitting ses-sions. “Ol John Boy has a lot of demons in his past,” Lilley said. “I’ve never seen him catch a pass, or even make a tackle. It bothers him, it bothers him that he’s terrible.” The University of Phoenix has refused to comment on this topic, but the school added a short statement. “Who is Johnny Evans, and why is he committing to play football at an online school?” This sentiment is shared with everyone who is close to Johnny; but this is the story of Johnny’s athletic career, he’ll make you proud, he’ll make you cry, and he’ll make you laugh at how bad he really is.“I never really knew about Johnny’s skill until I saw him try to suit up on his first day of tackle football,” Bentley said. “He nev-

er once took the field, and when he tried, the coach would yell at him and drag him back to the bench.” George Raymond, Johnny’s two-on-two basketball partner at the YMCA, grew up watching Johnny develop his athleticism. He’s the one who can be credited with the life lessons of band workouts over weights, always stretching forearms and traps over hamstrings, and never letting a turtle-neck affect. “I’ve never been involved in Johnny’s career,” Raymond said. “ Did he tell you that? I never wanted to be associated with Johnny because he was so bad. And I never taught him any of that stuff, for the record. He learned that from Air Bud; I don’t know how he got those life lessons from that movie but he did.” The University of Phoenix really snagged themselves a diamond in the rough. What they found in Johnny cannot be duplicat-ed, whether it’s his tangibles or intangibles. The water-boy skills he brings to the field are really special. His actual potential, though, is yet to be seen.

Captain Professional Looter

Johnny Evans (seen above via Facebook) poses for ESPN with his newly sponsored college attire.

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Associated Press

AprIlllll 2014

Clark On the Radar

Every athlete needs top of the line training. Ellie Claire “Clark” Gordon is absolutely no excep-tion. Clark’s mom threat-ens her by not feeding her dessert on days she chooses to skip a work-out.

Clark sees rare playing time during her initial and fi nal stint with the lacrosse team. She had never run before, and the action scared her. Because of this, she continues to look for an afterschool hobby.

With every great ath-lete comes injury. Ap-parently that applies to very average athletes as well. To this day, Clark continues to deal with her foot issues. She is unable to read, write or bathe.

On her days off, Clark likes to hit up the club. She likes to wash away her sad week of athletics by eating fruity snacks, wearing low quality jew-elry and listening to the classic hits of Jason De-rulo.

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