“dmi are simply brilliant!” dan gopal, chairman, childline ball … · 2018-03-27 · leil...

I had absolutely nothing to say except that I had absolutely nothing to say: One of the first things to bear in mind about conversing confidently is that what you

actually say is, happily, not too important. Sounds like an odd thing to suggest, but we shall tell you for why…

Small talk: American chat guru and author Leil Lowndes, points out that small talk is supposed to be small. She’s spot on! A conversation between strangers begins with

generalizations and clichés that carry a subtext. The subtext is what’s being communicated without being spoken and, in many social situations, is as simple as: ‘Are you friendly?’ or

‘Do you want to talk?’ Now, to some people this sounds nuts – but think about it...

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay! When someone says “Hi there! Nice day, isn’t it?” it is possible, of course, that they’re a friendless meteorologist with a desperate need to share their view of

the day’s weather. That is one possible explanation… But it’s an unlikely one! Light talk like this is precisely the kind of thing that has the simple subtext: ‘Want to chat?’

Your response, then, will also have a subtext and that subtext, broadly speaking, really carries only one of two subtexts: ‘Yes, let’s talk!’ or ‘No, let’s not!’ This can be communicated in dozens

of ways, though! They might include saying: “Yes, lovely! Are you off somewhere to enjoy it?” accompanied by open body language and a physical stopping to chat, maybe, or “Yeah, not

bad – enjoy it while it lasts!” along with an unbroken stride… These clichés simply connote a subtext, and it’s the subtext that matters!

What does all that mean, though? It means that we don’t have to worry about starting a conversation in clever, witty or scintillating ways! The reason that many people have lacked

confidence in conversation is because they assumed they’d not be able to say anything more than a lightweight cliché… Well, now we can appreciate that a lightweight cliché is exactly

what’s needed to start a conversation!

Smile, smile, smile! So the beginning of a conversation needs very little verbal substance. In fact, the best conversation starters aren’t things that you say at all… They’re a genuine smile

and open body language! These things come quite naturally as you become more confident in these situations, and only need a bit of help at first.

Leil Lowndes has some useful tips on this in her many informative books, too! To help, she says, you might simply imagine a person that you’re about to greet is an old friend. Really visualize

them that way; as a person whose company you’ve enjoyed enormously but with whom you’ve inexplicably lost touch... And now here they are! You can read more about this technique

in Talking the Winner’s Way, but even this potted version is a great way to relax your body language, smile and get a little eye contact.

Facts you need to know about High Definition!

Comedian Milton Berle once claimed that scientists had discovered the ‘shy gene’ – it took a while to find, he said, ’cos it was hiding behind a couple

of other genes in the kitchen… Happily, though, genetics isn’t the best place to start looking to gain conversation confidence: rather, if you’d like to find out

what not to say, what to say, how to steer a conversation, and how to do it all with confidence, then read on…

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“DMI are simply brilliant!” Dan Gopal, Chairman, ChildLine Ball Committee

Now I lay thee down to sleep…

CONFIDENTCONVERSATIONS


Look into my eyes, not around the eyes; into the eyes: Use good eye contact to establish a better connection with the people to whom you speak! Rather than counting the seconds that you make

eye contact, which some people suggest, try this: when you first meet someone and you’re shaking hands, make a point of noting the colour of your conversation partner’s eyes!

This requires you to make eye contact at what many perceive to be the most critical time. It also makes it easier to maintain eye contact as the conversation progresses! To practice this, give it a go when you’re in ‘no need’ scenarios: make eye contact with shop assistants and the like; people with

whom your exchanges are perfunctory, temporary and short… You can’t lose!

“And how is it that you know the clichés?” Now that it’s better understood how agreeable a cliché is to get underway, you can probably imagine how likely it is you have something in common with the person to whom you’re speaking – even if it’s that you’re both standing there wondering what

to say! Here are a couple of ways to break the ice and head for the common ground:

Introduce yourself (People tend to volunteer names when you do so yourself ) Ask about something relating to any common ground; e.g. what brings them here, how they know the host, etc.

“Listen very carefully… I shall say this only once!” Want to know the secret to moving on from this initial stage? It’s simple! Once you’ve asked a question, really listen to the other person’s answer!

Pay particular attention to anything else that they bring up as they speak. Here’s an example:

A: Hi, I’m Geoff; how are you? B: Good, ta; I’m Graham, this is Gary… A: (Geoff) Hi, good to meet you. You’re here for the seminar? B: (Graham) I am, yes – Gary’s here for a college project, though – he’s shadowing me…

So here’s a thing! Person B, Graham, is there for the seminar – you could talk about that… But he has thrown out a conversational ‘rope’ that clearly is of more interest to him…

Gary’s there for a college project: he’s shadowing Graham! Well, heck! It’s chit-chat manna from heaven! So follow that up with a question…

There are more questions than answers: The person who asks a question in a conversation is, knowingly or otherwise, the person who’s directing it! Many people don’t think much about this,

but etiquette requires us to answer reasonable questions… So, if you’re answering a question, you aren’t steering the conversation – you’re continuing it. If, though you answer a question and then

ask one of your own, you take control of the direction!



In the example above, Person A (Geoff, lest we forget!) asks how the strangers are – they respond and Geoff remains in control! He asks another question – “You’re here for the seminar?” and B,

Graham, answers ‘yes’ before expanding on that with more information…

Had Graham wanted to, he could’ve taken control of the conversation by answering ‘yes’ and then asking a question of his own: “What made you come along?” and Geoff would’ve been obliged to answer! This is how a dialogue begins; with a back and forth of not much substance throwing up

possible new directions with a little more meaning!

In the example above, though, Geoff remains in control of the conversation and it’s now up to him whether or not he pulls on the ‘rope’ that’s been dangled! Either way, if he wants to progress the

conversation, there’s likely to be further questioning…

“I keep six honest serving-men…” said Rudyard Kipling “They taught me all I knew; their names are What and Why and When and How and Where and Who.” Herein is a great tip for the wannabe

conversationalist! These six words and a sense of curiosity allow you to ask open questions – those that require more than a yes or no answer. They can be used to take conversation in whichever

direction you like! Use ‘What’, ‘Why’, ‘When’, ‘How’, ‘Where’ and ‘Who’ to form the basis of questions rather than the more closed types – “Are you having a good time?” is, for example, not as

likely to lead anywhere!

Repeat after me: “Repeat after you?” Yes! One subtle way to gently probe for more information without actually asking a question is to repeat a conversation partner’s answers or statements as

a question. “Repeat their answers as a question?” That’s right! It invites an expansion on what they said. “An expansion on what they said?” You get the idea! Don’t overdo it, but use it here and there...

In the example with Geoff and his new conversation, it’s almost certainly a good way to go! If you recall they’d had a short exchange, during which Geoff had introduced himself and asked a less

than ideal closed question in relation to some common ground – the seminar they were all at. This was sufficient to get the exchange to the point where he could ask an open question

or use this ‘repeat’ tip:

Geoff: Hi, good to meet you. You’re here for the seminar? Graham: I am, yes – Gary’s here for a college project, though – he’s shadowing me… Geoff: (To Gary) Shadowing him? Gary: Yeah… I have to spend a week following someone in the industry for part of my sociology project. Graham’s agreed, fortunately; he spoke about breeding newts earlier today and he’s shown me some public speaking tips for tonight!”

Well. It’s all chit-chat fodder, isn’t it? Really, Geoff’s spoiled for choice! First off, he could ignore the ‘ropes’ that have been dangled and simply ask how the two of them know each other, how they got

there or who asked them along – all ‘in common’ stuff! Better than that, though, he could now ask about the sociology project, the college, Graham’s interest in newts, the speech earlier or the public

speaking tips! They’re off! And you might notice that Geoff hasn’t, at any time, said anything that requires great wit, skill or confidence!



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Throw out the rope! Now, assuming you can see how little it takes to get something from nothing, here’s a tip that gives you classification for the ‘something’… We’ve used ROPE here as a reminder

of four areas that provide relatively safe common ground when you absolutely can’t think of anything to not only enquire about, but also allude to yourself, in order to get the small talk going:

Relatives: No man is an island! If they’re in front of you, there’s a huge chance they have, or have had, some family history that could be the source of chat! It’s not the safest topic to start with,

but if you listen for it, you might be surprised how often family members crop up ready to be asked after!

Occupation: “What keeps you busy?” is a question seldom heard that does, happily, offer people the chance to talk about either work or hobbies depending on their fancy! Alternatively, the

conversational ball can be made to roll along quite nicely if you raise the subject: “I came straight from work…” which almost inevitably coaxes the question “What do you do?”...

Pastimes: Who hasn’t got any hobbies or pastimes? The workaholics! In which case you have them covered with the topic of occupation! For the rest of the people, though, hobbies are a rich

source of conversation: asking questions here can be an extraordinary launching point.

Education: Finally, there aren’t many people that would claim to have had absolutely no education whatsoever! Get onto the subject of education and you’ll very likely be away.

Where everybody knows your name: ‘How to win friends and influence people’ is pretty much the daddy of all self-help books… Its author, Dale Carnegie, tasks us to: ‘Remember that a person’s

name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language.’ In other words, remember to use people’s names in conversation and personalize the chat that way.

It’s a small courtesy but – alas – a rare one!

What in the world? Further conversational grist for the mill is, in this day and age, more readily available than ever before! Since the advent of iPhones, Pods, Pads, smart devices, the internet and

mobile phones, it’s almost impossible to be completely ignorant of what’s going on in the world!

Make a point, if you’d like to ensure you’re chatting confidently and variedly, of knowing at least a little about the news. You don’t need to be the local equivalent of Henry Kissinger you understand:

just have enough of an awareness about what’s going on to solicit opinion!

“Don’t mention the war…” A gifted conversationalist seems to be able to take any subject and walk the extraordinarily fine lines that separate the lively and the outrageous, the tasteful and the

offensive; the intelligent and the condescending… But there are very few of these people around in real life, it has to be said!

For that reason, some topics are best avoided! They routinely appear in anecdotes about falling outs and fisticuffs, heated arguments and ruined events… Top of our ‘caution advised’

list are the following…



How awful things are: You might be in a loveless marriage, a worthless job or work for a complete idiot, but you’ll come over more whining than winning if everything you say is tinged with negativity. Closely related to this is the “You think that’s bad?” gambit; see below.

Politics and religion… Including sport! It’s not so much the subjects themselves, it’s the fervent views and extremity of some people’s beliefs in these areas that can lead to conversation hell! Steer clear if you can and, if the chat goes that way in spite of your wishes, find a way to be artfully vague or excuse yourself… See Exit, stage left!

Sex, Drugs and Money: Unless you’re lunching with Pete Doherty, you might think it unlikely that these things will crop up in polite conversation. Not so! Every so often, someone will bring up one of these topics… At best, it’s crass to raise them with people you scarcely know; at worst it’s extremely offensive.

Things that give people the creeps: Don’t mention how ill you’ve been, the pus your boil has produced, the impressiveness of a serial killer’s handiwork or how you always carry round a sack full of kittens for luck, etc. Save all that for the second meeting! You think that’s bad? An important component of many conversations that become more intimate or meaningful is personal commonality. “Me too!” moments can be giddying and intoxicating; it can start deeper conversations, love affairs and meaningful moments for many… It can also seem like one-upmanship at times and be completely shattering at others. Steer clear of the kind of thing that the following genuine examples typify:

A: “I’ve had a really long day – I’m shattered!” B: “Me too! I had to go to work early because…”

C: “I was up quite early this morning to catch the sunrise – quite remarkable!” D: “That’s nothing. I was in the Seychelles once and…”

E: “I thought you said you had children?” F: “Oh… Yes. Well, look; you’re right; I did… Two, but – no. Sorry. I’m sorry –I had a little girl… I don’t want to get upset; she died when she was very small…” E: “Oh, god; I’m so sorry – I can’t believe I just – I’m so sorry...God. I know just how you feel, though – our dog died last year. We’d had him years...”

Not the best moments in the annals of cocktail chit-chat and you can see how easily they’re avoided. Better not to ‘top’ stories in the first instance and, in situations where your conversation partner has had a bad experience, never make the assumption that you know how theyfeel or approximate a comparison.

Facts you need to know about High Definition!dmi productions


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“Actually, I think you’ll find...” Resist the temptation to correct people when they’re wrong about nothing in particular during the course of chit-chat! If it’s something that matters to you very much, venture “I understood it was XYZ” just the once and leave it at that… Difficult though it might be to resist the temptation to get things straight, it’s usually better to let your conversation partner feel listened to and conversed with than to, say, establish with certainty the Highway Code’s strict interpretation of flashing headlights!

It takes two to tango: As the penultimate tip, it’s worth reminding ourselves that, with all the confidence, tips and tricks in the world, you can’t have a conversation with someone else that

absolutely doesn’t want to engage!

Other people who have yet to understand ‘making small talk’ are probably doing their best, but if your conversation partner isn’t taking up any of the slack, then it might be better to quit while

you’re only slightly behind… In other words, if you find that it’s only you that’s trying to have a conversation, cutting your losses is always an option.

As an example, here are the details of a real life exchange between one of the DMI team and an unnamed ‘Other’. We’ve kept it anonymous to be kind, but it’s an accurate record! Note the use of

some of the tips in the sheet and – from the outset – what appears to be an evident unwillingness to engage…

DMIer: How’ve you been? Other: So-so… DMIer: What’s been keeping you busy, though? Other: This and that. DMIer: Such as? Other: The usual. DMIer: The usual? Other: Yeah. DMIer: Rrrright. Will you excuse me; I must catch up with Stuart…

If you sense that your attempts to converse are actively being shut down, feel free to get out of the conversation… Including yourself, you’ll be doing two people a favour! Some neat ways to extricate

yourself from a conversation follow…

“Exit – stage left!” Accepting that you’re not always going to be able to stick with it, there are some ways to leave the conversation gracefully. On these lines, one of the team here heard the advice that

walking around a party with two drinks was a clever way to exit a conversation…

If the going got tough, the trick, a young lady suggested, was to say: “I’m so sorry to break this up but I must deliver this drink – nice chatting!” and waltz off! White lie aside, this is quite clever and clearly works because, if the conversation was going well, the lady would simply stand there and

hold both drinks throughout…


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dmi productionsFacts you need to know about High Definition!

But therein lay the second flaw! In a later conversation, behind the lady’s back, someone said: “I’m a bit worried about her. She’s had two glasses on the go all evening!” So our first tip here is

don’t try to be too slick with your exits: tact and grace are what’s needed… Here are some thoughts:

First, as in the ‘It takes two to tango’ exchange detailed above, just excuse yourself in the literal sense. Say “Will you excuse me? I must do (something else!)”.

There’s no obligation on you to make an actual excuse if you don’t want to, though: “It’s been interesting talking with you, Ken. Do you have a business card?” has a certain finality to it; it’s

particularly handy for networking events at which a certain ‘move on’ subtext quite naturally exists.

Finally, as your confidence grows, you’ll soon find yourself able to pull off the technique of folding someone else into the conversation! It might be as simple as segueing into that

position from the last thing they said. Here’s an example:

Folding in: Them: “I’ve always admired Mussolini. Alright, he wasn’t all good, but he had some redeeming features…” You: “You know what? My friend Neil would be interested to hear you say that! Let me see if I can catch his eye…”

The thing here, though, is you absolutely must call the other person over to join you, and then excuse yourself. Too often it’s used as a way to escape, rather than exit, and that really isn’t on! This tip is best used by both the caller and the called throughout the evening so that, if either

party is struggling, there is an opportunity to help the other out!

If you’re interested to find out more about conversing with confidence, make sure you check out anything by Leil Lowndes and Dale Carnegie’s ‘How to win friends and influence people’. Any one of them will be useful to you and they’re all available for just a few shiny pounds at

Amazon or other fantastic book shops!

The boys and girls of DMI do an awful lot of research to bring the very best advice they can on any given subject. However, no responsibility can be accepted for the consequences of any action or inaction based on DMI’s Info

Sheets. The material herein is also protected by copyright, 2011. That might sound like we’re padlocking a dustbin, but remember: it’s our padlock… and it’s our dustbin!



“dmi are simply brilliant!” dan gopal, chairman, childline ball … · 2018-03-27 · leil...

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