Anger Management

OVERVIEW

Introduction

4 Keys

Summary

EXPERIENTIAL SEMINAR What you hear, you forgetWhat you see, you rememberWhat you do, you understand

INTRODUCTIONTitanic -The real story.

20%

80%Beliefs(Thoughts) & States (Feelings)

Actions & Behaviour(Results)

The Analogy of the Ice-berg

Thoughts / Belief System

- Paradigm

Paradigm -

A pattern of seeing the world based on held beliefs for your needs and wants.

NEEDS

Basic needs

Air, water, food, shelter

Psychological needs

Safety

Stability

Love

Belonging

Esteem

Self-actualisation

WANTSType of

Preferences

Likes/dislikes

Desires

Fancies

A Belief System at workStory of Wei Yang – “I'm a failure.” Fails English repeatedly.Reinforced unintentionally by people around him.Angry at the parents for sending him for tuition.Reason? Not his NEED and WANT!

What's Anger?

Amygdala –

Emotional Controller.

Gatekeeper.

Guard Dog.

Fight or flight or fright. Anger is Fight.

Whattriggers

Anger?

Trigger of Anger:

Injustice or incompetence

Injustice or incompetence?

1) A child whines waking up and going to school repeatedly.

2) A child demands a toy by stomping his feet and rolling about on the floor.

3) A child promises to do his household chores but fails on his promises repeatedly.

4) A child lies to you that he has gone to tuition when actually he did not.

Anger inPopular

Literature

Pent-up Anger

Exploding in Anger

Blowing up

Blowing your top.

Blowing off steam.

Volcanic rage.

What's Anger

Management?

Techniques and exercises by which the triggers, degrees, and effects of an angered emotional state can be controlled.

Anger Management

is all about control

As a 'hiss', anger has a warning effect.

At its climax, a 'bite' will make a bad situation worse.

“Anyone can be angry – that's easy.

But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – that's not easy.”

Greek Philosopher, Aristotle

#1: Keepan open mind

Paradigm: Who's correct?

The faces or the vase?

The duck or the rabbit?

The old or the young woman?

Children learn from their parents.

Daughters learn more from mothers

Sons learn more from fathers

Key #1 – Keep an open mind.

I misunderstood my child

To change others, first change yourself

Movie – 'Children see, children do.'

Shows adults as powerful examples to children.

The trappings of

an old Paradigm

- “It is impossible.”

Pencil through paper.

2 times.

Poke a hole through it while it's floating.

A New Paradigm

“Keep an open mind.”

Pencil through paper.

Swing your arm at it as soon as you let go.

Paper through pencil.

3 times.

Break the pencil into half using a piece of folded paper.

A New Paradigm

“Keep an open mind.”

Changing

YOUR

PARADIGM !!

Paper through pencil.

Swing your arm in one smooth motion without stopping.

Know that you will not be hurt as the paper is contacted first.

A New Paradigm

“Keep an open mind.”

1st Key:

Keep an open mind.

Seek to understand then be understood.

#2: UsePositive Words

“I am angry that you ALWAYS got home

late when you knew your curfew is

midnight! You're an IRRESPONSIBLE idiot!”

A bad situation made worse.

The power of words

Malcolm Gladwell

'Outliers'

Successful parents use the power of words to model beliefs for their children

The Power of Words Movie – 'Validation'

Use positive words Rule #1 – Avoid ...

Absolutist words – all, none, every, most, least, just.

Win-lose statements – never surrender, take it or leave it, just do it.

Positive words promotePositive thinking and

Positive actions

Rule #2: Might is mighty.

That might be true.You might be right.

This might be correct.

Positive words promotePositive thinking and

Positive actions

Rule #3 Words of affirmation:

Good try! Excellent!

Good effort! Well-done!

Great work! Keep it up!

You can do it!

Practice positive

words

Mum, i have not done my homework as I like to do it at night.

a) What happened?

b) Did you forget again?

c) What's so good about working at night?

d) Does it help you to focus better?

Practice positive

words

Dad, I don't think I want to go to the school camp, there're so many people I don't know.

a) How does that make you feel?

b) You don't have a choice.

c) It is only once a year, you should go.

d) It's good for you, you know.

2nd Key:

Use Positive Words.

Correct beliefs not behaviour.

#3: Practice Active Listening

With an open mind, Active Listening

allows you to understand

the thoughts and feelings - the child's belief system.

“The beginning of wisdom is listening. Listening that is empathic enables parents to hear the feelings that the words try to convey. Parents need to keep an open mind and open heart, which will help them to listen to all kinds of truths.” Haim Ginot, renowned Child Psychologist.

Quotes

Movie – 'I Not Stupid Too'Are they listening?

Facial Expressionsand Body Language

are part of Active Listening

Mirroring promotes listening.

Listening Skills How good is it?

Test:

Draw a house with these shapes - a rectangle, square and triangle.

3rd Key: Practice Active Listening

So you can understand your child.

#4: Fill the need

Fill the need

Apply effective listening and positive words with an open mind so you can fill a child's need.

Need – Life and well-beingFood, drink, clothing, shelter, rest. (Basic)

Mind and heartSafety, stability, love, belonging, esteem, Self-actualisation, respect (Psychological)

Needs vs.

Wants

Wants - Preferences,Likes, Desires, Whims.

Needs vs.

Wants

Eating Chinese or Italian food.

Transport by taxi, bus or car.

Relax by watching TV, playing games or going out with friends.

Needs or

Wants?

Anger Event:

Children wanted to

play computer games

but was refused.

Want:

Enjoyment

Need:

Rest

Anger Event:

Children wanted to

buy the latest

handphone but was

refused

Want:

Peer

Recognition

Need:

Esteem

Anger Event:

Child compares with

elder sibling and

wants to go out late

too.

Want:

Independence

Need:

Esteem, Love and Fairness

An open mind + Positive Words +

Effective Listening = Understanding beliefs &

fulfill need

Movie – Akeelah & the Bee

4th Key: Fill the need

with an open mind, Using active listening and positive wordsto build a happy child

THE BOTTOMLINE:For effective state management, first keep an

open mind, then use positive words andactive listening with the goal of understanding

the child's beliefs about his need thenfilling that need.

Thank you