an adult fairy tale

8/2/2019 An Adult Fairy Tale

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AN ADULT FAIRY TALEBy

The Storyteller


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The time drew near for her to rule, but Princess Patina wanted nothing to do withthe grand palace or throne that would be hers once her ailing father died. Hissubjects called him Your Majesty King Pinwrick; King Pin, when his back wasturned. The Princess called him nothing at all. If she had it would have been'Stump' - the King having lost his lower extremity to a swamp gator mounted onthe dining room wall. His rotting leg left inside.Princess Patina ate alone in her room knowing her father's once mighty hawknose could no longer discriminate between foul scents and fair. Quite alright. Hehated company, especially hers, preferring to mock the gator; waving meat bonesand licking his chops as if the pitiful creature might leap off the wall and beg himfor a bite.When the gator was captured the King ordered the town taxidermist to put the lookof terror into it's eyes, leaving rigid lines of rigor mortis on its corpse, least theirown heads be bolted next to the beast's. And so the gator was hung; limbs askew,torso twisted, eyes as big as a fat man's plate.Princess Patina didn't object to her father's obsession with the gator. She hadother reasons to despise him; he smelled of mold. If that hadn't been enough, theskin on his boney ears would have been; thin yellow sheets flaking into specks,salting his morning mush.She'd masked-up once long ago and tried with the greatest diplomacy to discussthese matters with him. All to no avail. Allergic to his mold, the good princesscould only sneeze, mucking up her mask and any hope of improving her father'shygiene.One might think the old grub would have tried to win his only child's affection;clean himself up, admire her embroidery, at the very least teach her the rules ofroyalty. He'd done none of it. Itwas only the gator that intrigued him. Hewondered if the village dentist might not fit him with the gator's teeth, as his ownbegan to fall from their withered roots. He sat at the dining table, contemplatingthe possibility, thoughtfully tipping his behind to let his internal winds blow; afart so evil it made the gator's glass eyes water and set its fangs to rattling.King Pin would have liked to witness the gator's disdain. But it was not to be. Asfate would have it, the King fell head first into his plate. Too weak to lift himselfhe unceremoniously snorkeled a heap of sweet potato pie, then drowned.


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2When the princess was told of the King's demise, she ordered his body cleaned,dressed and displayed three days ina glass case. When none of the townsfolkcame to pay their last respects King Pin was taken to his grave, and buried withthe gator. The dining windows were opened and the stench of them both scrubbedfrom the palace walls.Not long following the king's death Patina's chamber maid, Heidi Heidiho cameto the Princess' bed chamber, seeking instructions for the royal coronation. Hersubjects were anxious for the mysterious beauty to rule. The maid was surprised tofind the princess de-gowned, donned instead in a pair of patched overalls. Adiamond studded tierra sat a top her mantel, with a woolen cap covering her longauburn curls."M'Lady! The chamber maid cried. Wha' tiz it ur' doin? Dressed like a peasant yeare! 'Ave ye lost yer mind?""Tell me about my mother," Princess Patina begged. " I'm off to find her and haveno time for ceremonies.""I know nothing of' er, only that your father, banned' er, when he could've ad' erhead fer wot she done.""And pray tell, what exactly was it that my dear mother did? Ask that he brush histeeth, remove the fleas from his armpits? Change perhaps his underwear more thantwice in one year? ""Twas none of me business!""I was never told anything about her, never shown a portrait, given a scarf tosmell her sweet perfumes ... not even given her name. Tell me her name, dearservant. Surely you remember having been in service all these years?""But forbidden like you, to 'member anythin of 'er, Mum.""Are you saying, there is no one, in all the Kingdom of Happenstance, who cantell me my mother's name?"


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3"Hai.""You, whom I've loved, who in her absence fed, guided, and protected mewould deny offering me even one small crumb of hope?"

"Th b 'crumb' M ".. ere may e one ... crum run."Dare not keep me waiting old biscuit!""Scorpio, who dint come under the kings non-remembrance writ.""Where might I find this man, Scorpio?" The Princess asked."Not a man, a scorpion is wot "e is, with wings they say, though 'ave never seenme self.""A flying, arachnid that knows my mother's name, and possibly her whereabout's? I will go at once to fetch him.""The Witch of the Western skies, tiz the only one who can. Tiz said she stirs herpots in The Caves of the Crows Cardomen. Scorpio answers to none other but,erself.""Have the stable boy prepare my faithful steed, Ali Oop. I will leave at morningslight. And when I return, my mother will take her rightful place as Queen. Untilthen deliver food to the poor, shelter to the homeless and open our gardens to thegleaners. I will not go another winter hearing their cries."

****The roads to the Caves of the Crows Cardomen were rutted, yet rarely traveled.Ali Oop snorted in the cold wind, his breath swirling in the damp, and his flanksglistening with sweat. The woman on his back wasn't like others who'd taken him Toexercise; fools he could easily dislodge. No, the Princess rode him the way he wasborn to be ridden, and commanded him effortlessly. For this he flew through theforest winds for her, dodging low the limbs that crossed their path, waiting for herthighs to tighten and knees to grip before jumping the mighty boulders that wouldhave turned a days journey into a weeks delay.


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4When night fell the princess found a clearing, set Ali Opp' s saddle aside, and lethim graze un-hitched among the sweet grasses. He would have enjoyed a wordfrom her, perhaps a gentle pat on his rump. But she wasn't the sort to be patting,or making idle chat. All business this one he surmised, his lips tugging at thevelvety carpet below.In the distance, Patina gathered sticks and twigs for a fire. Soon Ali Oop's bellywould be full, and the fire would warm his bones as he rested near her. He found aplace to retire near the mound of sticks she'd gathered. After a few minutes histired lids fell like heavy curtains as he began to doze."Ethcuthe me," a lispy voice whispered. Ali Oop opened one lid. "You, horth,over here." Ali Oop opened his other eye, blinking.A woodland elf with half his body squeezed under a rock, cocked his head notmore than a foot away."I must be dreaming," Ali Opp snorted. "Either that, or ugly has returned to theforest with a fury."

The elf pulled the rest of himself from under the rock, straightened his stockingcap, dusted his vest and marched directly toward the mystified horse."Your inthults mean nothing" the elfhuffed, popping hand fulls of pine nutswith a cocky flick of his wrist."Must you speak with your mouth full?" Ali asked. " You are hard enough tounderstand with your ....""Speeth impethidement?" the elf inquired."Whatever it is that makes you thiss your words. But even if they were correctlypronounced in the Kings English, I couldn't bear being chatted up by even themost advanced linguist. I've traveled far today. Be gone.""Bunswiggle Begrundy, at thur thervise good horth. And you would be?"


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5"Exhausted," Ali sighed."My friends call me Buns," the elf curtsied, swishing away vines with his weewalking stick. "And just so you know, Qhueenie to be over there, ith about totortch the plath. Not ethen you are fatht enough to outrun the flames that littlemulti-tasther, ith about to set.""What can prevent this disaster?" Ali Opp lunged to his feet."Sneth me into your thaddle-bag tomorrow and leth me ride to the gaths of Limorawhere my dying twin thaks hiss last bweefs."

Ali considered and agreed. It would be a small price to pay for having theirlives spared.With that Buns began marching back and forth like an army drill Sargent,pointing his wee stick at the Princess. "She stacks dry twigs on top of sap,collected in pools, fermented above ground and below, ripe to ignite the fires ofhelL""You're not lisping," Ali observed."Turn it on and off to annoy the wife, eavesdropping over there in the willows.Quickly now, use your muzzel to disperse the sticks. Pee on the sap, defecateboldly on the branches, so that nary a spark may fly!"Ali Oop did as he was told. It looked to be a cold night in the forest."She will be angry, and call me bad horse," Ali sighed, pawing at the ground."Suck it up brother. ""I'm just sayin' ..."

Just then, Princess Patina returned with the last bundle of twigs. She looked atthe dispatched mound strewn hither and fro, and the large steamy pile


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6.topping the branches. She tilted her head, and mind you not without a stemlook toward the horse. Embarrassed, Ali Opp lowered his head, flashingrows of pearly whites."Bastard!" The Princess shrieked, loud enough to make the full moon shrivelto half its size."I know you're slinking around down there! Come out Buns before 1 smashyour bite-sized back side to bits!" She kicked the ground stomping like awoman gone completely mad."Hunh?" Ali Opp wondered, confused, yet relieved not be the target of herrant."Ahh, my precious," she said, finally turning to the horse, checking for elfresidue on the bottom of her boot. "Did that dastardly troll talk you into this?Of course he did," she said, gently kissing Ali's nose, and stroking his mane."He's been trying to scheme his way out ofElfville for years. Trouble with themissus. 1 should have warned you."Ali felt his tongue begin to ooze out the comer of his mouth like so many ropesof pulled taffy swaying in the pine scented breeze. Something in her touch, theplayful gouging of her slim fmgers kneading his flesh made him think he'dgladly be tricked a thousand times for this.The princess reconstructed the piles of twigs near by; all, save the brancheswith the dollops of dung. Bun's had the good sense to stay underground, andlisped away as his irritated wife collected their children and fed them a finerutabaga stew.The timid moon re-collected itself into fullness, sharing the night with athousand stars. Patina tucked herself beneath umbrellas ofEIms and Elders, asthe dying embers sizzled her to sleep.All during the night Ali Oop woke between fitful dreams; hazy mist images,black cloaked demons casting spells; the sting of leather whips and razor sharpspurs, puncturing his sides. He whinnied in despair, unable to wake himself, orescape the captors who had forced his spirit into a four legged frame of


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7reference as foreign to him as lobster bisque to a commoner.He had this dream before, had heard humans refer to them as 'nightmares' butthe only night mares he'd known were the ones who came to call in theevenings, inviting him to sire their young. He had no intention of doinganything of the sort, but checking his equipment knew he could ... if ever hechanged his mind.Morning came with the sun streaking through the trees, warming the forest. Alismelled sweet cinnamon cakes roasting on an open fire, and breathed in distantmemories of preferring cakes to clover. He vowed to forget those things. Hishorseness was after all his destiny.Princess Patina dusted the crumbs from her coveralls, put out the fire andchecked the saddle bags for stole away's. Itwould be easy for Bun's to flattenhimself to the leather seams or coil himself around the brass loops. After athorough inspection they were off. It would be ten miles to Beanville, where ifwelcomed by the villagers, they would have lunch.Along the way, the Princess sang songs to pass the time: "Old McDonald had afarm, E, I, E, 1,0. On his farm he had a duck, E,I,E,I,O. With a quack, quackhere, a quack, quack there, here a quack, there a quack,'; until she'd quacked,mewed and oinked every animal in the kingdom, then started again with theduck.As devoted as Ali was to the princess, he knew he could take no more. He puthis front legs down, arched his back, lowered his rear haunches and watchedher slide evenly over his head into the thicket."Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall?" she asked, disparagingly. Ali snortedhis disapproval.Picky-yunnie horse," she teased, then got up and quite out of character begandoing the most unusual thing. She cleared her throat, unhinged the left strap ofher coveralls, tossed the cap and shook her curls to her shoulders. Ali wasdumbfounded as she began gyrating her hips, singing with everything she had:" You shake my nerves, and you rattle my brain, too much love drives a ladyinsane, you break my will, but what a thrill, goodness, gracious, great balls of


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8fire!"Ali's tail began to swish like wipers during a monsoon."You kissed me Baba, woo feels good, I'm gonna love you like a lovershould." Patina was all over it, shimming up and down the bark of an excitedoak; her moves every bit as tantalizing as the palace pole dancer's her fatheronce fancied."That's what I'm talking about" Ali panted."Your fine, so kind, I want to tell the world that your mine, mine, mine,"she laughed throwing herself into a heap of leaves. "Better?" she askedtaking her final bows on her knees."If you only knew," Ali thought, wishing he could tell her. Itwas one thing tobe able to communicate with fairyfolk and woodland animals. Of course therehad been the stable spider, Charlotte somebody.but the only human he'd everconversed with was that Dorothy who blew in from Kansas with the gaudyshoes. He guessed the lion had taught her the lingo and wondered if she evergot back to her people.Re-energized by thoughts of the princess's dance moves, Ali high-stepped itover the brush, holding his head proudly crossing mountain streams, careful notto let one ounce of liquid dampen his passenger's heels. She could sing OldMac Donald until the cows came home for all he cared. He wouldn't hear aword with his mind racing back to the shakes and shimmies that oh baby, drovehim crazy ... goodness gracious.By noon the town of Beans ville opened before them like a scroll unfolding thewilderness. The townsfolk parted on each side, waving and cheering as Ali andthe Princess made their approach into the heart of the city. At the far end a manwearing a crown, [nobility no doubt] and his woman urged them forward."Welcome to Beanville" the Nobel said, when they reached him. "Allow me tointroduce my self, Beanie King, and my dear wife Lima.""So good to make your acquaintance, the Princess returned. I am Princess


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9Patina Pinwrick, and this is my royal stud, Sir Ali Oop, .. Boop, Boop-Boop. 1call him Ali for short and you may do the same.""You must be hungry?" Lima inquired. "I had a feast prepared when BeanScout returned with news you were coming our way. The pots are full andbubbling!""Might 1 ask of what?""Well ... of the only thing we eat in Beanville; beans, beans and more beans!""That's nice," the princess grimaced, her intestines twisting into double knotsas every kind of bean in Beanville belched in their pots; kidney, bush, navy,green, black, pinto and refried all being prepared in her honor."You're very kind, but 1must tread on," she lied. "Thieves having heard of mysteed's sureness of foot and swiftness of gait oft ride the trails in the night tosteel him away." She hoped Lady Lima and Beanie King wouldn't beoffended.Three hours out of town the Princess pulled Ali off the road and led him to aclear mountain stream where they could rest and refresh. She needed to consulther map to be sure they were on course. She'd never been this far fromHappenstance. She wondered if every town they traveled on the way to theCaves of the Crows Cardamon would be a ville? Her question was answeredas she smoothed the map, tracing her finger along the dotted lines heading westto the next town. They would make it by dusk if they hurried.Four hours later, they crossed the city limits into Toomini Rules. At the liverystable she told the owner she'd be back in a few for Ali."Few, phooey! 1run a tight ship here, dot my I's cross my T's, early in, earlyout. Can't run a business willy-nilly. Protocols are properly pinned to the post.Read and sign. Committee approves, the horse stays.""Right," Patina nodded. "I think we're gonnajust mosey."She led her horse down the lane to No Loitering East, then turned left onto


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10No CanDo.She was tired and hungry and worst of all, ovulating. She didn't need any ofthis tonight. In the distance she saw soft golden lights streaming from thewindows of an oriental eatery. Good. She was in the mood for Chinese, andhoped a friendly Asian might have Kung Pao on the menu. Chicken, beef itdidn't matter. She was hungry enough to eat a rabid ring-tailed racoon by then.Patina looked over the menu and found the Kung Pao just as a waitress wearinga turquoise kimono came to her table."I'd like the Kung Pao shrimp, extra hot, side of sticky rice, double shot oftequila and hold the fortune cookies please," proud of her rapid-fire order. Itseemed that was the way things were done in Toomini.The waitress began writing on a thick pad. "How you want shrimp?""Excuse me?""Come ginger, seasoned salt, common salt, no salt.""Common salt," the Princess replied."Grill, boil, pan fry, pulverized, oven bake?"Patina considered her choices."Take too long. Skinny Kung Pao," she called over her shoulder to the cook."Maybe I'll just stick with the tequila," the Princess seethed."Darwinni, Fusca, Galapagoa, Latior?""What? No Jose Quearvo?""Past six, no Quearvo for you.""Latior then. Bring the whole bottle!"


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11" One shot. That it.""Bite me, " the Princess glared, storming out the door.The cook leaned over the counter as the door slammed behind her. "Whatmatter? He asked the waitress. "Lost appetite?"The next morning the Princess left on Ali's back, leaving behind a city withone less .., ring-tailed racoon.

******They made their way over the McCaw mountains where the Princess coveredAli's ears with her bandana and put in the ear plugs that Heidi Heidiho had sothoughtfully packed. They would have stopped for a snack of fire roasted coonsaved from the night before, but the racket drove them beyond their hunger. Bylate afternoon they had scaled the hills of Hunkerdown and by nightfall foundthemselves in the valley of The Virgins of Vengeance. This did not seem like ahappy place. The Princess told Ali they would hold up on the outskirts of townand leave in the morning after a nights repose.By the light of the fire Patina looked over her map and found their location.They were fifteen miles north of Drool, boasting swanky five star digs, publicbath houses and Mediterranean cuisine. Patina's pallet, coated with the gameycoon longed for Mediterranean. Spanakopita. Yes! She could almost taste thespinach, eggs, leaks and feta layered in phyllo. She would treat herself to a hotsoak in the town tubs tomorrow, enjoy a gourmet meal, and lodge for the nightat the Dew Dribble Inn. Perfect. Itmade the thought of having to foragethrough the forest for tonight's meal bearable.The Princess was a better shot with her bow than a bullet; glad now that she'dgone into the country side with Heidi Heidiho to collect berries and as a childlearnt differences between poisonous and edible ones. Her father had scoffed ather traipsing off with the help on their food gathering excursions but PrincessPatina knew without the skill and ingenuity of the help, the royals would havenever survived. They were in it together; one no better than the other and intheir hearts no different. She dreamed of a world that would pool theirresources, honor each others customs, and contribute to the whole by workingjobs they loved, rather than what earned them the greatest sacks of gold.


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12As the Princess finished waxing her bow she thought she heard somethingrustling in the bushes and began creeping toward it. She felt a twinge. Shedidn't like having to kill living things to survive. But this was no time to getphilosophical. She was hungry. There was something in the bushes. If she couldeat it, the sucker was dead.She drew the bow back past her shoulder when suddenly a woman wearing awhite gown with a face as pale as her garment stepped from behind the bush.HDonot shoot me," the woman said, her demeanor offering neither fear or relief.Instantly the Princess knew by the woman's catatonic affect that she was one ofthe Virgins of Vengeance."Why do you hide in the bushes?" The Princess asked, lowering her bow.HIwas ordered by Sister General to discover your gender and report back," shetold her. "We don't allow men in our village. They are to come no further thanthe Hunkerdown boarders.""May I ask why?""Men are idiots," the Virgin replied."That's all you got?" Patina asked in disbelief."They are stronger than we are. If they made their way into our village theywould try to control us.""Right," the Princess nodded, thinking the woman had never been properly laid."I will take your horse now," the Virgin told her, moving toward Ali Oop."Not going to happen!" Patina fired back.Just then, fifty pale faced Virgins, clutching blood-stained hatchets rose out ofthe forest like ghosts out of their graves."This is not good!" She called to Ali, springing to an overhanging limb.


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13Hatchets flew, barely missing the Princess as Ali charged under the limb. IfthePrincess failed to drop onto Ali's back at precisely the right moment, she wouldshare the same fate as the men who'd dared enter there.Shazam! The well coordinated plan paid off. Even without a saddle, Patinastayed solidly on Ali's back as he raced over hill and dale, past a herd ofharnessed Yaks. Yes, that's right, a herd of harnessed Yaks. No doubt those theVirgins had rode in on."Whoa," the Princess called to Ali, looking back to see if the Virgins were hoton their trail. None were in sight. Good. She would un-hitch and scatter themdiverting any chance of a chase. Little did she know that in the distance a VirginYack Tender was approaching, waving her arms.Ali whinnied to alert the Princess and just in time. She whirled around andgasped, but seeing that the Virgin was a hatchet-less child, exhaled, exclaiming,"Shit."The child flinched grabbing her left ear."Don't you know it isn't nice to creep up on people?" Patina scolded.The child put her head down and said, "Yes Mam, but if the Virgins come backand the Yaks are gone they will take me to the Curse Man.""Go, on ... the Princess encouraged her."And he will melt me with naughty words." The child brushed her hair back toshow Patina a tarry glob on her left lobe. "See what the'S' word does to Virginears.""I'm sorry," the Princess told her. "Will it heal?"As long as you don't say it three times," the child sobbed."1won't," Patina promised putting her arms around the trembling child.


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14"Do all Virgins melt when they're exposed to naughty words, or just the littleones like you?""All of us."~'I'd like to go back to collect my saddle and supplies. Will you stay with myhorse until I return?""Are you going to melt the Virgins with naughty words?" The child asked, herface taking on a rosy hue, her eyes as bright as diamonds."Would you like it if I did?" Patina returned dubiously. The child only smiled,then dashed to a saddled Yak and led it to the Princess. "You can ride him. He'smy favorite because he's the fastest.""Does your favorite yak have a name?""Seabiscuit" the child reported proudly ..... Interesting, Patina thought. "And what is yours?""Sister General named me Contemptible," the child said sadly, looking at theground."Doesn't suit you at all. I will give you a new name when I come back."The child began jumping up and down, clapping her hands.And so it was that Princess Patina raced for her things through the forest on theback of a Yak named Seabiscuit. The child had been right. He was fast. Theground shook with clouds of dust marking their passage.Meanwhile back at the Yak Yard Ali gently took the sweet grasses the childoffered him. He liked the kid. Having her along would mean the Princess' potty-mouth proclivities would be edited. A good thing if ever he wanted to share anauthentic version of their adventure with the forest fairy children.


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15Princess Patina found the Virgins on a path hoofing it back to their Yaks.Initially she'd only wanted to gather her things and be gone, but couldn't resistthe temptation to mess with the old hags. She hid behind a tree and in herloudest voice screamed "Shit!"Fifty Virgins grabbed their ears, stumbling into each other."You've behaved badly," Patina continued. "I SHIT you not!"The Virgins dropped to the ground rolling wildly, cupping their ears. Patinastepped out from behind the tree.

With their lives in the balance the Virgins peered from terrified eyes."Have I said it once or twice?" She asked, stepping over the not so holy rollers."I forget. SHHHH - "The Virgins screamed."SHEETS blowing in the wind Got cha!"With that the Princess gathered her things and left the Virgins to turn to gooanother day.That night the Princess held the child next to her, cradling her thin body andstroking her hair. Little Sister Contemptible couldn't remember a time whenshe had felt so safe and happy.The next morning all the yaks, save Seabiscuit were un-hitched and put topasture. The child would ride next to the Princess on the roads to Drool, but firstthere was the business of her name."Do you like the name, Bertha?" The Princess asked the impending Bertha tobe."Yuck," the nameless one replied."Maude or Hildagrad?


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16"Not so much," the child said, bunching her nose."What about Nancy-Nancy-Bo-Bancy- Banana-Fana-Fo-Fancy" Patina laughed."No thank you," the girl laughed back."You see those flowers growing out yonder?" The Princess pointed. "Those areLilly's of the Valley. They are the most beautiful and elegant flowers in all theKingdom, and because you are both beautiful and elegant, from this day on, Iwill call you Lilly."The child blushed and smiled lovingly into the eyes of her newly acquiredguardian."When we get to Drool we will have a nice bath and a most delicious supper,"the Princess told Lilly. "I hope you like Mediterranean and real beds withgoose down mattress' and room service?""We should not go to Drool," Lilly told her."What ever makes you say that?""Well there are plotting elf s in Elfsville, nothing but beans in Beanville and somany rules in Toomini. Can you imagine what we might find in Drool!""Have you been?""N0"Lilly said, "But my .... gift ... informs me," unsure she should share hersecret with the Princess. "I see things before they happen," she confessed. WhenI told the Virgin's they said my knowing and seeing came from the devilhimself.""Cover your ears Lilly," the Princess commanded, "At once!" And Lilly did."Bitches!"The Princess gave Lilly the signal that it was safe to uncover her ears.


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17"Someday I hope you use your gifts to tell me my future," the Princess saidkindly. "As far as Drool, we must stay at least one night. I am too tired andhungry to go further. Will you be brave and trust me to deal with whatever wemight find there?""Yes," Lilly smiled. "But we will not find your Prince in Drool.""My Prince?""The one I see kissing you a lot!" Lilly laughed."It is only my mother I search for," the Princess said distantly, looking awayfrom the girl."But your Prince .:"Left me many years ago. I will never love another. So let us think of happierthings, and dash to Drool to see what awaits."With that the Princess clicked her heels and the two of them raced to the glitzycity of Drool, one-hundred fifty miles north of The Caves Of the CrowsCardomen .... give or take.

******

What would they find in Drool? Would they get past the Witch of the WesternSkies? Would the flying Scorpion have news of Patina's mother? What aboutthe two-timing Prince? What did it all mean?Only the Storyteller knows.

an adult fairy tale

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