seven habits

SKILL CARDS

Your client schedules an important meeting that conflicts with a personal

commitment you’ve made.

SITUATION 1

• There might be a way to do both.

• Let me explore all of my options.

• I choose to reschedule my personal commitment/ the client meeting.

Reactive Language:• Now I have to cancel my plans.

• This client makes me so angry! I always have to reschedule things for them.

Proactive Language

Someone important to you accuses you of

taking him or her for granted. He or she tells you that

you don’t say thank you enough.

SITUATION 2

• I’m sorry. I really do appreciate everything you do.

• You’re probably right. I will say thank you more often.

• I’m sorry. How could I better express my appreciation for all you do?

Reactive Language:• That’s not true! I always say

thank you.

• I can’t help it. It’s just not my style to say thank you.

• It’s not my fault you need to hear thank you so much.

Proactive Language

Your boss blames you for a report your

co-workers are responsible for.

SITUATION 3

• I’m sorry. I think there’s been a miscommunication with my team. Let me investigate and I’ll get back to you.

• Let me get the team that wrote the report together so that we can address the problems.

• If you have a minute to show me the problems with the report, I will communicate them to the team that is responsible for it.

Reactive Language:• It’s not my fault! Go talk to Jim.

• I can’t do anything about it. I didn’t write that report.

• I always get blamed for everyone else’s mistakes.

Proactive Language

Your boss just added three more deliverables

but won’t increase your resources.

SITUATION 4

• Let’s look at all our options to meet those deliverables.

• What resources do I have that I haven’t thought of?

• Let’s find ways to make this work rather than all the reasons we can’t.

Reactive Language:• There’s no way. I can’t do it.

• You always expect me to do more with less!

• Now I have to work even harder.

Proactive Language

You’re meeting a friend for lunch and she or he

is 20 minutes late... again. You are on a very tight

schedule and are becoming increasingly annoyed.

SITUATION 5

• I’ll order lunch for us and will take mine with me so I can spend some time with you.

• (You call your friend and say) What would you like for lunch? I’ll order yours so it’s here when you arrive.

• Let’s spend 10 minutes together before I head back to work.

Reactive Language:• You’re always late, and now I have

to rush my lunch!

• Now I don’t have time to eat because you are late.

• I have to skip lunch now.

Proactive Language

You are working with a co-worker on a project due at the end of the day.

You quickly realize he or she has not done the pre-work

necessary to complete the project on time.

SITUATION 6

• I’m concerned that this won’t get done by the end of the day. Let’s look at our options to get the information we need.

• Let’s focus on how this happened later. For now, let’s see how we can get this completed on time.

Reactive Language:• We’re going to miss our deadline

and it’s all your fault.

• You always do this! You are so irresponsible.

• There’s nothing we can do. There’s no way we can make it.

Proactive Language

You are stuck in traffic due to road construction. Because of this, you are going to be late for an

important meeting.

SITUATION 7

• Next time, I will check the traffic report and leave earlier.

• I can take this time to mentally prepare for the meeting.

• I can call ahead to see what other arrangements we can make.

Reactive Language:• Everything bad always happens

to me!

• It’s not my fault. I didn’t know about the construction.

• I am such a loser!

Proactive Language

After rearranging your meetings and taking transit across town, you

arrive at the dentist’s office to find they don’t have

your appointment in their schedule book.

SITUATION 8

• I am confident we can work this out.

• Let’s look at all our options. How could the dentist fit me in?

• Here’s what I think we could do.

Reactive Language:• It’s not my fault you can’t keep your

appointments straight.

• I have so much to do and I had to rearrange my whole schedule to get here.

• You are really frustrating me!

Proactive Language

YOUR SITUATION 1

Proactive Language

Reactive Language:

YOUR SITUATION 2

Proactive Language

Reactive Language:

My colleague repeatedly takes credit for my work.

(Emotion: Irritation)

SITUATION 1

(Reflect feelings and words.)

FEELINGS • Sounds like you’re irritated.

WORDS • Your co-worker is taking credit

for your work.

FEELINGS AND WORDS • What I’m hearing is that your

co-worker takes credit for your work and that upsets you.

Empathic Responses

I’m overwhelmed by the amount of work my

boss is giving me.(Emotion: Frustration)

SITUATION 2

FEELINGS • You sound frustrated.

WORDS • You’re overwhelmed by the

amount of work your boss gives you.

FEELINGS AND WORDS • You feel frustrated about the

amount of work you have.

Empathic Responses

My brother-in-law ruins every family get-together.

(Emotion: Frustration)

SITUATION 3

FEELINGS • You seem frustrated.

WORDS • You’re saying that your

brother-in-law ruins every family get-together.

FEELINGS AND WORDS • You feel frustrated about your

brother-in-law’s behavior.

Empathic Responses

I just lost my job.(Emotion: Worry)

SITUATION 4

FEELINGS • You sound really worried.

WORDS • You lost your job.

FEELINGS AND WORDS • You sound really concerned

about losing your job.

Empathic Responses

It’s a waste of time to do these reports; nobody

even reads them!(Emotion: Annoyed)

SITUATION 5

FEELINGS • You sound annoyed.

WORDS • You’re creating reports

nobody reads.

FEELINGS AND WORDS • You feel annoyed that you are

spending time on reports nobody reads.

Empathic Responses

I made a mistake and my supervisor reprimanded me in front of the whole team!

(Emotion: Embarrassment)

SITUATION 6

FEELINGS • Sounds like you

were embarrassed.

WORDS • Your supervisor reprimanded

you in front of your team.

FEELINGS AND WORDS • You’re embarrassed that your

supervisor reprimanded you in front of your whole team.

Empathic Responses

I think my colleague may be stealing from the company.

(Emotion: Concern)

SITUATION 7

FEELINGS • You sound very concerned.

WORDS • You think your colleague is

stealing from the company.

FEELINGS AND WORDS • You’re concerned that your

colleague is stealing from the company.

Empathic Responses

I just got promoted to team leader.

(Emotions: Hesitation and concern)

SITUATION 8

FEELINGS • You sound a little hesitant

and concerned.

WORDS • You just got promoted to

team leader.

FEELINGS AND WORDS • You have mixed feelings

about being promoted to team leader.

Empathic Responses

YOUR SITUATION 1

FEELINGS

FEELINGS AND WORDS

Empathic Responses

YOUR SITUATION 2

FEELINGS

FEELINGS AND WORDS

Empathic Responses

Empathic Response: You sound defeated by the feedback you got on your presentation.

Speaker: Yeah.

I got some really tough feedback on a presentation

I gave last week.(Emotion: Defeated)

SITUATION 1

Clarifying Questions

(Stay with the subject the speaker brought into the conversation.)

• When you say you got tough feedback, what do you mean?

• Can you tell me more about that?

We just decided to make a big investment in this

project, and I think it’s a bad decision. (Emotion: Concern)

SITUATION 2

Empathic Response: You sound concerned about the decision to invest in this project.

Speaker: I am.

• When you say you think it’s a bad decision, what do you mean?

I’m having such a hard time with my family.

(Emotion: Worry)

SITUATION 3

Empathic Response: You’re concerned because you’re having a hard time with your family.

Speaker: Yeah.

• When you say you’re having a hard time, what do you mean?

None of the staff know how to use the database. We

need to do more training! (Emotion: Frustration)

SITUATION 4

Empathic Response: You sound frustrated that none of the staff know how to use the database.

Speaker: I am.

• When you say none of the staff know how to use the database, what do you mean?

• When you say we need to do more training, what does that look like?

My daughter has been skipping school. I’m

so angry with her! (Emotion: Anger)

SITUATION 5

Empathic Response: You’re angry that your daughter’s been skipping school.

Speaker: I am.

• When you say she’s been skipping school, what do you mean?

I think we’re going to lose money on this deal, but

Sales is running with it. (Emotion: Concern)

SITUATION 6

Empathic Response: You seem worried that Sales is running with this deal and you think we’ll lose money on it.

Speaker: Yeah.

• When you say you think we’ll lose money on this deal, what do you mean?

The customers are all mad at us, but no one

seems to care. (Emotion: Defeat)

SITUATION 7

Empathic Response: No one seems to care that the customers are mad at us.

Speaker: Yeah.

• When you say no one seems to care, what does that mean?

• When you say the customers are all mad at us, what do you mean?

I’m really concerned that our Marketing team

is not connected to our Sales force.

(Emotion: Worry)

SITUATION 8

Empathic Response: You sound concerned that Marketing and Sales aren’t connected.

Speaker: Yeah.

• When you say the Marketing team isn’t connected to the Sales force, what does that mean?

__________________________ __________________________ __________________________ __________________________ __________________________ __________________________

(Emotion: ______________)

YOUR SITUATION 1

Empathic Response: You feel about .

Speaker: Yeah.

YOUR SITUATION 2

__________________________ __________________________ __________________________ __________________________ __________________________ __________________________

(Emotion: ______________)

Empathic Response: You feel about .

Speaker: Yeah.

You are working with a client who consistently has unclear and changing expectations and then is

dissatisfied with your work. You’ve just worked

through the weekend to create a presentation

for them, only to find they had something else in mind.

You’re quite frustrated and worried this reflects

poorly on you.

Client: That’s not what I thought you’d come up with at all. I was hoping for something different.

SITUATION 1

Empathic Response:You’re disappointed because you expected something different.

State Your Point of View Using “I” Messages: • I’m sorry you are disappointed.

I’d like to take a minute to review my understanding of your expectations for this project. Could we do that?

• I feel confused, because I thought I understood your expectations for this project. I have a different point of view I’d like to share. May I?

You’ve organized the office party the past three years

and it’s a lot of work. You’re extremely busy with year-end

reports and would prefer not to do it again.

Boss: I’ve put you in charge of the office party again this year.

SITUATION 2

Empathic Response:You’d like me to be in charge of the party again this year.

State Your Point of View Using “I” Messages: • I feel concerned about being

assigned the party again with the year-end reports due. I’d prefer not to be in charge again this year.

• Thank you for your confidence in me. The party is a lot of work, and based on my experience, it will interfere with the timely submission of the year-end reports. I think it would be best if you assigned it to someone else.

A conversation is important to you, but

every time you begin to state your point of view,

you are interrupted.

Team member, interrupting: Yes, yes, I know. Here’s what I think we should do...

SITUATION 3

Empathic Response:I can tell you’re very excited about your idea.

State Your Point of View Using “I” Messages: • Before we go there, could

I finish my thought?

• I really appreciate your enthusiasm. Would you be willing to listen to my idea?

Every time you try to introduce new ideas about how to structure work flow,

you encounter a lot of resistance. This has been going on for some time

now, and you are reaching your limit!

Team members: But we’ve always done it this way.

SITUATION 4

Empathic Response:You are satisfied with the way we do it now.

State Your Point of View Using “I” Messages: • I’m disappointed with the

resistance I feel each time I share this idea. I believe we could significantly improve these processes. Would you be willing to hear me out before responding?

• I understand your point of view. I’d like to share mine too. Will that work for you?

One of the managers in your company often pushes for cost-cutting

measures, even when the project plans are within budget. You’ve got all

the research to show that the full-service option is both within budget and what the client wants, but you

feel like the manager isn’t listening to you.

Manager: I think the full-service option isn’t worth the cost. Let’s go with the standard version for this client instead.

SITUATION 5

Empathic Response:You’re concerned about cost.

State Your Point of View Using “I” Messages: • I’m concerned we haven’t fully

discussed the justification for the full-service option. Before we make a decision, may I share my point of view?

• Would you be willing to hear my recommendation before coming to a decision? The full-service option pays for itself within a year, and the client wants it. I think it would be a mistake not to use it.

One of your co-workers tends to gossip and thinks everyone agrees with him. This promotes a negative

and reactive work environment. You’ve just

completed The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and are

practicing being proactive. You’d like to be a

Transition Person and break the negative pattern.

Co-worker: I’m so tired of how everyone is treated differently here. It’s not fair! Did you hear about...?

SITUATION 6

Empathic Response:You think how people are treated here is unfair.

State Your Point of View Using “I” Messages: • I can see what you mean when

you say it feels unfair. I have a different point of view I’d like to share.

• I want to understand your point of view, even if I don’t share it. Would you be willing to hear my thoughts too?

Your department has been understaffed for nearly

a year, and your manager puts you off whenever you petition for a new hire. The stress is

affecting your physical health, and you’re afraid some of

your employees are on the verge of quitting.

Manager: Let’s wait until next quarter to decide whether it’s time to bring someone else on the team. I’m just too swamped right now to go through a bunch of interviews.

SITUATION 7

Empathic Response:You’re overwhelmed and would like to wait another quarter before addressing the understaffing issue.

State Your Point of View Using “I” Messages: • I understand that interviews

take a lot of time. Would you be willing to hear me out before you make this decision?

• I appreciate your thoughts. Could I share my concerns about the impact the chronic understaffing is having?

You’ve just completed your performance review,

and you’ve done really well for the second year in a row. You want to ask for a raise,

but you’re scared to advocate for yourself.

Supervisor: You’ve done a great job this year. Thanks for all you do.

SITUATION 8

Empathic Response:You’re really pleased with my performance.

State Your Point of View Using “I” Messages: • Thank you for your confidence

in my performance. Based on my positive performance review, I’d like to discuss increasing my compensation.

• I’m honored that you are pleased with my work here. I would like to discuss my compensation package. Would you be willing to listen to my proposal?

__________________________ __________________________ __________________________ __________________________ __________________________ __________________________ __________________________ __________________________

YOUR SITUATION 1

________________:

Empathic Response:You feel about .

State Your Point of View Using “I” Messages: •

YOUR SITUATION 2

__________________________ __________________________ __________________________ __________________________ __________________________ __________________________ __________________________ __________________________

________________:

Empathic Response:You feel about .

State Your Point of View Using “I” Messages: •

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