more than just the physical stuff…. what makes relationships work and what makes them fail? began...

More than just the physical stuff…

SEXUALITY & RELATIONSHIPS

What makes relationships work and what makes them fail?

• Began his groundbreaking research with married couples over 32 years ago

• The “Love Lab” at the University of Washington• Has studied thousands of couples over decades

(longitudinally)• Can predict with >90% accuracy which couples will

divorce• Categorizes couples into Masters (together & still like

each other) and Disasters (break up or stay together & miserable)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E94xTxEydN4

JOHN GOTTMAN

“What is your greatest hope or goal in life?”

• Both men and women give same: ‘to have a stable, loving relationship w/ a romantic partner

• Love is so important, but researchers have traditionally been criticized for trying to study it: “stay out of the bedroom!”

• Early research focused on defining love and distinguishing different types/taxonomies/styles – classification systems

• In last 25 years, made incredible strides in applying construct of love in understanding relationships, thanks John!

• Gottman & colleagues have brought thousands of couples into lab and recorded physiological and emotional responses

• By analyzing this data, he can predict with 90% accuracy which couples will be divorced within 3 years! Handout.

IMPORTANT FINDINGS ON LOVE

• Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (behaviors during conflict)

Criticism: Finger pointing; looking for the bad; “I’m perfect and you are defective…”

Defensiveness: Warding off the perceived attack from partner and launching the counter attack; also acting like an innocent victim. “oh yeah, well…you suck in bed!”

Contempt: The BEST predictor of divorce. Insults, feeling like you are better/above your partner; holding something over them. “You’re an idiot, what you’re saying is ridiculous…” Some people can be very creative…e.g., “Bless her heart; God love her...”

Stonewalling: Shutting down; the absence of the usual signals that a listener gives a speaker. Guys. Lesbians.

WHAT CAN GO WRONG? THE DISASTERS

• In conflictual situations, talk about what you feel and what you need

• Instead of being defensive, take responsibility for your part of the problem…”we have a problem to discuss, and I know it’s not all your fault…”

• Build a culture of appreciation and respect by paying attention to the SMALL moments. “You’re such a good dad, I admire you” Small things often.

• Masters may want to Stonewall, but they breathe, calm down, and stay connected.

• Ratio of Positive to Negative during Conflict: For Masters 5:1; and Disasters .8:1. Disasters try to balance, but Masters are saying WAY more positive things than negative things.

WHEN THINGS GO RIGHT: THE MASTERS

• Have positive everyday interactions: Look like GOOD FRIENDS!

• Handle conflict in gentle, positive ways• Know little things about one another &

build shared meanings• Share fondness, admiration, and respect• Continue to Communicate with Positive

perspective• Ask about Partner’s thoughts, dreams,

goals• Have a satisfying, healthy sex life• Have built solid foundation of trust &

loyalty• LAUGH a lot• They are a TEAM: an ALLY, a FRIEND

WHAT DO HAPPY COUPLES LOOK LIKE?

GOTTMAN

Communication is essential for good relationships!

Also plays important role in sexual satisfaction

putting it to practice with some exercises…

DISCUSSIONS

• Gender Groups: Tell us…when it comes to a) relationships; and b) sex:

What do men want?

What do women want?

DISCUSSIONS

Most difficult sexual topics

Write down “what is the hardest thing to say to your partner about sexual satisfaction?” and “what would

be the thing that is hardest to hear from your partner?”