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How to have difficult conversations
© Mark Norman, 2017, All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or
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of the copyright holder.
Cool DownManage your
emotions
Climb Down
Climb down the ladder of inference
and start get curious
Before having a difficult conversation
Reframe
Change your frame of reference
2
Before:
Cool Down
Manage your emotions
How to cool down• Ask your self two silent questions:
• What happened?
• What are my objectives?
• Breathe
• Relax
3
Check your thinking• What do I know about the situation? (stick to
the facts)
• What don’t I know?
• What inferences am I making?
• What inferences do I need to let go of?
Before
Climb Down
Manage your thought process
4
Before:
Reframe
Move out from under the blanket
Ask yourself:• What am I trying to build?(outcomes and relationships)
• What needs am I trying to meet? (business, personal)
• What are some of the qualities and contributions the other person brings to the table?
• What may be at stake for them?
• What would a good solution need to include?
5
During:
Engage with a collaborative
approachTake the steps to
create collaboration and solve problems
Build an inclusive picture of the situation rather than putting needs in opposition
Create agreements that include as many needs as you can
• Listen to decipher needs• Descriptively state what you need• Instead of arguing, ask more questions• Tie back to TTTBTBOU
• Start with an inclusive question (How can we meet both sets of needs?)• Try to build on ideas (How could we take that idea and also make it
work for…?)• Summarize your agreements while you proceed (So up to date, we
both…)
6
Use Focused DIALOGUE
Open
Frame the
conversation
appreciatively
State the objective
and importance of
the conversation
Share expectations
50-50 rule
Build Common
Understanding
Share all relevant
information
Ask questions to
clarify and
understand
Explain your
perspective clearly
50-50 rule
Generate
Options
Brainstorm
possibilities or review
ideas that meet
criteria
Assess and adjust for
Wisest Possible
Outcome
50-50 rule
Close the
Conversation
Review agreements
Determine follow-up
plan
Affirm trust
50-50 rule
7
On the receiving end of criticism?
Accept
Right size and accept
Ask more questions
Dismiss
Cool down
Reframe
Listen and learn
Accurate?
Partially accurate?
Unsure?
Inaccurate?
Key Skill: Ask good questionsControl Oriented Questions Questions that help move to understanding and resolution
Didn’t you know that…?• Discover their data
o What are you seeing that…
o “What’s your perspective on ….?”
Isn’t it obvious that…?• Seek Clarity Appreciatively
o Not “What’s your proof?” but “Help me understand your thinking on this.”
o “Do you see it differently?”
What were you thinking when you…?• Draw Out Their Reasoning
o “How does that relate to your other concern?”
Doesn’t your idea undermine…?• Test What They Say In Broader Contexts
o How would your proposal affect…”
o “Is this similar too…”
Why don’t you…?
• Examine solutionso What could we try that would satisfy both of our concerns?
o How could we make your idea work for both of us?
What are you going to do…?• Move to action
o What are we agreeing to do?
o How will we know our solution is working?
9
How can you prep? Some questions you can ask before dealing with tougher situations
Manage your inferences
• What do I know?
• What don’t I know?
• What inferences do I need to let go of?
Think of the situation
• What’s at stake for us?
• What do we need?
• What may be at stake for them?
• What may they need?
Think of the individuals
• What’s their style?
• What’s our history together?
Think of helpful options
• What could the ideal look like?
• What does our minimum look like?
• What are some options that could give us some traction?
Think of decision making
• What’s within our scope?
• What’s outside our scope?
• Who needs to be aware?
• What would the conditions be for escalation?
10
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